Hearts and Candy

Hearts and Candy (Photo credit: Rdoke)

I am taking these out of context because I don’t want to humiliate anyone. It is hard being vulnerable on an internet dating site. I almost wish I could just write_divorced, decent human being_and leave the rest of my profile blank. I keep seeing these profiles and I am simply blown away by what people write. Dating website profiles are one big character study for me.  These are all openings to dating profiles.  All of these men chose to start off their search for love or sex using these gems. Please do not msg me ANYTHING if you don’t have Pics…different State or Country … I am not looking for anything long-distance “based” connections … good luck. NY cats are always welcome for Miauuuuuuuu…sessions … no loud barking please (esp in bedroom area) So I am with the guy on the out-of-town messages, as they make little sense to me too, but the barking in the bedroom?  WTF?  Now you are making sexual requests?  Can we at least go out first, get a cup of coffee before we discuss our sexual preferences?  I mean really now. I’m a single dad who is looking for someone who is okay (well, more than okay) with my situation – or someone who is also a single parent. I am open to having another child someday – but not for at least five years. That is fairly specific, and that would also count me out!  Single dad, might be open to having another kid, but not for five years.  Those are some fairly specific and rigid guidelines that are just going to turn most women off. I live with my wife and our semi-permanent couch surfing gay. I purchased my wife through the “American Wifes” catalog and my couch surfing gay at a labour day sale event at Wallmart. I was originally planning to go for the more socially acceptable Russian or Asian mailorder brides, but with the current low value of the dollar, the American mail order bride alternative definitely seemed like the most value for my money… (I actually met my wife right here on OkCupid… amazing, eh? It actually works!) He probably thinks he’s hysterical, but in that one short paragraph he’s equated women with property and referred to a man as simply “a gay.”  He’s also married which might be fine for some women but I’m not so sure I want to start anything with a man with a live-in gay (his words), and a bad sense of humor. i’m too busy for “dating.” i’m a musician, and plenty of the stereotypes that come with that apply. broke often, not marriage material, etc. this site is pretty stupid, but so is hooking up with people in your social circles so if you wanna just meet up, drink, and make out when i’m not in rehearsals or on the road, then send me a message. I get it man you’re slutty, you don’t want any commitments but there are sites specific for those requests: Adult Friend Finder and tinder.  I admire your honesty but you’re aren’t going to get an email from me.  When I read a profile like that I just think of getting my cervix scraped after discovering you’ve given me HPV.  Sure you can get an STD from anyone but, the sluttier ones are almost advertising their higher risk status.  Also what kind of sentence structure or grammar is going on in those two sentences. Then there is this gem.  I don’t even know where to start here, obviously he is trying to be funny……

I appreciate inappropriate nakedness. pickles are my passion. breadnbuttaaaaaahhhh! sometimes i do cartwheels just to convince myself that i exist. i wish i was better at cracking my toe knuckles. i have been known to photograph my balls. dont judge me. i pee sitting down. im not ashamed of it. i like to have a soundtrack. i want to have dirty, painful-in-a-good-way sex with pandora. i enjoy being nice to girls. no, really. i have a car named yoshi. she is currently sickeningly clean. this does not feel natural to her. i once threw a pool party in my bedroom. i dont remember much of it. i have a blackbelt in napping. viva la siesta! i am partly responsible for the life of a hilarious four-year-old girl. she lives in california. she is a terrible phone conversationalist. i still love her. i possess no gumption concerning business skills. only the gods know how i keep my tiny business running. i rarely eat meat because i dont have to. i have witnessed entirely too much terrible karaoke for one man. i will doubtless be witness to so much more. i have a fat dingo called albus. he is slowly losing his mind. dont ever challenge me to a thumb wrestle… i will not take it easy on you. i am a relentless cuddler. hold me, touch me… let me be vulnerable.
listen… i just wanna love ya… and be who i am. I am bricka, bracka, and firecracka
So you have a four-year old child that lives in California and you sometimes talk to her on the phone!?!  WOW what a great dad.  Sign me up!  AND you take pictures of your balls?  How did I get so lucky to find you!?!
I think I am giving up again.

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