So this is re-posted from another old blog of mine, but since I am on a roll with this topic so to speak…

Because I am a freelancer and my social life revolves around the New York Burlesque and Alt-Comedy scenes, I don’t even KNOW a lot of men.  And I have a strict NO-COMEDIANS rule.  Which leads me to online dating.  I know it is hell out there trying to date in NYC.

Things that make me Cringe.

1. Semi-nude or posed shirtless photos.  I am not talking about hanging with your friends at the beach photos, but obviously staged photos of yourself as naked as possible, the “classiest” taken by yourself with a cell phone into a mirror.  Now would you walk up to a stranger and flex while half naked? Maybe you would.  Then you are not the boy for me.

2. Overly long profiles.  I don’t really bother if they are super long.  The photo tells me so much, if I am not attracted, I am not attracted and when I see a really long profile I just think “oh great work!” and I move on.  There are thousands of guys out there.  Keep it simple.

3. Overly ANGRY profiles! Don’t complain about all the other women you have dated in your profile!!!!  We have all been through the mill, who doesn’t bitch about an ex or two?  But please not on the profile!  It is also not a great place to tear down my entire gender.  You are looking for a WOMAN right? Then stop bitching about them.  And my favorite line so far “Be EMOTIONALLY AVAILABLE…leave your baggage at home, think positive and let’s have a good time”  And yes he used all caps.  So I need to be emotionally available for him, but I am not allowed to discuss my own problems.  Well at least he is straightforward.  HA!

4. Don’t lie about your age.  This one is fairly obvious, oh and pay attention to my age range, if you are 10 years over my limit….seriously???  And I think the magical age on these sites is 49, we all know you are not 49, who are you kidding?  If you are looking like my dad, we know you are NOT 49.

5. Sunglasses in your primary photo really? They warn you not to do this, and I can see why, they make you look incredibly pretentious and I can’t really see your face?   Brooding?  Sexy? Mysterious?  No.  I have over 200 in a search I am not going to take the time to see what lies beneath!

6. Don’t continually pester me repeatedly if I don’t respond to your “wink” I am doing you a favor, I am not interested, there are so many women out there.  And my least favorite tactic is when I spend all of 5 minutes checking my e-mail on there and I get a “Hey I see you are online, did you get my “wink”?, What is your number?  We should go out some time?”  This has happened more than once, so do these guys LIVE online?  Ready to pounce?  Creepy!!!

7. Less philosophy – Just the facts – Now some women may disagree but the more “crazytown this is how I see the universe” you get the more I want to hit that little X button at the top of your profile and never see your mug again.  I get it, but then I don’t get it.  And lines like “What can you expect from me….the unexpected!” or “Your Mr. Right is Right here!” honestly?  Does that work for anyone????

8. Limit on the Action/Adventure shots.  OK I get it you like Scuba diving, but one photo would have been enough, seven of you with goggles and I still can’t see your face!  And what is up with Scuba diving?  Maybe its fun, I don’t know I never tried it, but it isn’t exactly the sexist sport out there.  And I think I have seen hundreds of scuba diving photos at this point..hundreds!   Now a rowing, rugby or mountain climbing?  DAMN!  Those are sexy sports.  And even the classics like baseball, basketball, football or soccer can make you look good depending on the context of the photo.  But Golf?  Golf is so BORING, and it might but a joy to play but, still photos of you playing golf……are not exactly chick magnet material.  And OK so you run marathons, that is great, but can you include ONE photo where you are not covered in sweat, and wearing tiny little shorts?

9. Be realistic about distance – OK I live in BROOKLYN, dating someone in the Bronx would be considered a long distance relationship.  Philadelphia? Don’t they have women in Philadelphia?  I don’t want to move and that is just way too much effort if I don’t already know and love ya!

10. Try to look STRAIGHT! – Now this is probably the most controversial thing I am bitching about.  Because after all what is looking or acting straight?  I of all people should know, I married a gay man, HA!  We all know there are many shades to the rainbow.  But having all your photos be of yourself in clubs surrounded by beautiful men, perfectly manicured with stunning wardrobes and amazing haircuts, isn’t really screaming “I love women”!   I think I have sadly seen many a deep closet case looking for the wrong gender on these sites.  Sad.

11. Boys, be Realistic about YOUR age range. – So you are 45.  And your age range is 22-28?  Are you independently wealthy?  Are you devastatingly handsome?  Are you hysterical and loaded with wit and charm? Maybe you can bag a 22 year old, but my suspicion by the look of your photo/profile is that you have never dated in your life!  Come on!

12. I am MORE than a womb! – So I just saw a profile where all the guy talked about was wanting children.  He wanted 2 children and wanted to start trying in the next 1-2 years.  I am like DUDE!  Let’s go on a date first!  I understand his need to reproduce, but if your entire profile is about baby making.  YIKES!

13. Poorly written or Overly jokey profiles – If you entire profile reads as sarcastic, most people might think you are a jerk.  Lines like – “What is a typical Friday night for you?” and you answer – “Being completely awesome while I hunt for puppies and unicorns!”  I guess for some women, that might be perfect, but I will just think your crazy!  Or abuse of the written language such as: “R U the 1 for Me?”, or obvious misspellings.  Call me uptight, but it make me think you are of lower intelligence!  Yes I am a bit of a snob when it comes to language…..I am not the world’s greatest writer, and I will openly admit it!  But language is what separates us from all other SPECIES ON THE PLANET!  You don’t exactly see chimps writing novels, so USE SPELL CHECK, or open a DICTIONARY!

4 comments on “Dating Online – Things on a profile that completely turn me off

  1. goddessofwHine

    Hi Juliet, my name is Denise and I come from this teeny, tiny island in South East Asia called Singapore. Reading your articles were like having literature orgasms because I was screaming ‘oh my god, yes!’ so many times.
    Needless to say, I thoroughly enjoyed your articles. I think it is interesting to note that women, no matter which part of the world they are from, suffer similar problems when it comes to online dating. I recently had a run in with Mr Houdini and his actions really perplexed me too. I could not agree with you more that informing someone you are not interested anymore is just basic human decency, unfortunately the online medium is an enabler to Mr & Ms Houdini’s.
    Thank you for having the courage to share your thoughts on online dating because I am sure getting all those nasty emails are not fun.
    I also found your piece of “Online Dating 101, Don’t ignore the red flags” extremely helpful on how to improve my profile on okc. I don’t agree with the winker’s are wussies though. I use winks in my emails to indicate I am being cheeky or setting the tone for the email as sometimes sentences/intentions can be misconstrued. Perhaps you can write a post about how two parties have mis-understood each other completely? Have you had those experiences before?
    Anyway I am glad I bumped into your blog and I am looking forward to more of your post. Cheers!

  2. goddessofwhine

    Hi Juliet, my name is Denise and I come from this teeny, tiny island in South East Asia called Singapore. Reading your articles were like having literature orgasms because I was screaming ‘oh my god, yes!’ so many times.
Needless to say, I thoroughly enjoyed your articles. I think it is interesting to note that women, no matter which part of the world they are from, suffer similar problems when it comes to online dating. I recently had a run in with Mr Houdini and his actions really perplexed me too. I could not agree with you more that informing someone you are not interested anymore is just basic human decency, unfortunately the online medium is an enabler to Mr & Ms Houdini’s.


    Thank you for having the courage to share your thoughts on online dating because I am sure getting all those nasty emails are not fun.

    
I also found your piece of “Online Dating 101, Don’t ignore the red flags” extremely helpful on how to improve my profile on okc. I don’t agree with the winker’s are wussies though. I use winks in my emails to indicate I am being cheeky or setting the tone for the email as sometimes sentences/intentions can be misconstrued. Perhaps you can write a post about how two parties have mis-understood each other completely? Have you had those experiences before?
Anyway I am glad I bumped into your blog and I am looking forward to more of your post. Cheers!

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