So since I have been divorced I have tried a number of methods to try to date again, including online dating and speed dating, I recently got the following via email…I won’t mention the company who sent it.  I have edited it for length, but the general premise is still there.

Ever gone on a date that you thought was AMAZING only to this day still wonder why the guy/girl never returned your call for a second date? Meet 10-25 singles at “Tough Love” speed dating, where in the event someone does NOT select you as a “match”, you’ll actually receive feedback as to why via a post-event email summary of each daters constructive and honest comments . At the end of the day, ‘perception is reality’ and ‘knowing is half the battle

There are just so many things wrong with this concept.  For starters, there are _always_problems with market research.  Anyone in marketing can tell you that only a certain percentage of people actually take the time to fill out any survey, and the people who do tend to be skewed to specific personality traits.  Feedback tends to come from customers with an ax to grind.  Customers with the tendency to bitch, moan and complain will be more than willing to fill out surveys or questionnaires to their heart’s content, satisfied customers rarely bother.

Then there is also the concept of people not really knowing what they want until they see it before them.  For instance when surveyed people may say they would hate bubblegum flavored cupcakes, but once given a taste they devour them.  The same goes with dating.  We have all known potential partners who looked great on paper for us, but the minute we met them there was no spark, no chemistry, no reason to pursue them further.  Does this make them inferior and in need of improvement?  Of course it doesn’t, it is just a fact of life.  In the same vein we have all met someone who should have been incompatible for us, and become instantly smitten.  Dating is a strange world full of contradictions and things that simply don’t make logical sense.   We are all like puzzle pieces, some of us fit well together and some of us don’t.

I can’t help but think that a “tough love” speed dating round complete with feedback might attract the very people who like dolling out punishment, and that in a session of brief three-minute dates only the worst criticism would come out.   Some feedback could be useful but most of it would be extremely harmful, lets say out of 15 people you get…

  • You have bad breath – Problem easily solved, so that could be helpful
  • Sloppy or unkempt appearance – Also easily solved
  • You are creepy/crazy – What is a person supposed to do about that?
  • You talk too much or too fast – One man’s chatterbox is music to another man’s ears
  • You don’t talk enough – Not everyone is an extrovert
  • You are too short, tall, thin, fat, old, young – Again it is all relative
  • You aren’t attractive – Imagine getting that feedback from 15 total strangers

Most people in this situation would probably remain vague, especially if they themselves are also being graded and judged.  Most of the cards would probably include things like…

  • He/She isn’t my type
  • No chemistry
  • Not what I am looking for

And that happens to everyone, as if you get 20 people in a room the chances of any one person meeting a person they are attracted to is slim.   So what is the point of this anyway?   Socially awkward people picking apart socially awkward people, my head spins at the thought of such a disaster.  And then the poor man or woman who paid money to try to help increase their chances in the dating world now leaves defeated and broken.  How could this possibly help them?    And imagine going to a speed dating round like this soon after a divorce, and getting negative feedback, as if you needed more rejection and grief.

What I think might work better for anyone out there who is repeatedly going out on dates and can’t figure out why no one seems interested is this–sit down with trusted friends, people who care about you and aren’t making a buck off your misery, and ask your friends and loved ones what they think might help.  Because even the most socially awkward can and will find others who will fit them like a glove.   Your dating problems might be as simple as popping a breath mint, or combing your hair, and you don’t need scorecards from strangers or a “thick skin” to figure that out.

And don’t we all know a couple that is composed of two socially awkward, eccentric or even extremely odd partners?  Maybe instead of improvement or feedback, all they needed was to find another oddball that matched them to a tee.   Sometimes all someone needs to find is another person who really loves their version of being human.  Dating after a divorce is difficult and we all get creative, but personally I would avoid anything as potentially scarring as this.

5 comments on “Dating After Divorce – Do we really need Tough Love?

  1. Michael

    I agree that there are numerous potential pitfalls to this concept, but there are also great possibilities. The organizers would ‘hopefully’ have a responsibility to weed out the comments from those people who are obviously just complainers, and a venue like this would have no place for obviously hurtful, or spiteful comments. If the organizers provided an email summary…they could weed out the nonconstructive comments and hopefully provide feedback that makes a difference. Of course, lots of ‘ifs’ there. Oh, and unlike a random marketing survey, if the organizers don’t supply feedback to you unless you’ve submitted {worthwhile} comments on all your dates, then there is added motivation for complete submissions.

    On the other hand, relying on your friends alone to give you feedback has pitfalls as well. After all, for most people, their friends are more likely to build them up and support them. Brutal honesty, while a nice ideal, is not something you’ll often find from your friends. Also, in general, they already like you as you are…so they may not notice the things that are putting off others. In addition, I think most people act differently in a dating situation than they do in normal daily life. Ideally, this shouldn’t be the case, but in reality it often is. So it could be that my behavior on a date (which is influenced by my insecurities, my desire to impress you, attract you, etc) is quite a bit different than what my friends see (and bringing my friends in to observe the date probably puts me into the creepy category).

    Done correctly, the tough love speed dating concept could be a useful tool. Don’t want feedback? Don’t go. But if you’re wondering how other random datable people view you, it might be worth a try.

    1. julietjeske

      From what I could tell from the email anyone could sign up for this and there was no pre-screening involved. I have been critiqued this way many times in my career and I have found most of it to be useless. Sometimes someone is a bit odd, but feedback from friends or strangers isn’t going to help them, they just need to find another person who really loves their version of being human. I can think of so many couples who are made up of two fairly odd people, but it works for them. What I am trying to get across is that I don’t think people should treat themselves like a product and that not everything in this consumer based hell should be a product. Sometimes the odd pieces just need to find each other and all is good with the world.

  2. Michael

    I really love this comment: “…they just need to find another person who really loves their version of being human.”. It is so true and really is the crux of the whole dating issue. No relationship is going to work out if you have to be on your best behavior (or be someone whom you intrinsically are not) just to attract interest.

    An added point is that there is very little likelihood of matching odd pieces (and aren’t we all ‘odd pieces’?) connecting in any kind of speed dating environment? I think we’re more likely to connect when we’re being ourselves and doing something we love.

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  4. George Fine

    Hard to tell.. first thought after divorce could be never dating again or date with everyone.. both are ways to nowhere. i’ve read a good article once at http://divorcedatingpost.com and it helped me, but the prespective since then changed significantly. first person you need to fall in love after divorce is… YOU. otherwise no one can satisfy,

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