Erotic butt

This is a question that we all must ask ourselves at certain times of our lives.  Am I a potential girlfriend to this man who I am seeing?  Or am I just a another piece of ass?  These things can get blurry.  It seems men over 35 are less likely to just jump into a commitment right away.  This might appear to go against conventional wisdom as younger men have less responsibility and don’t want to settle down.  But younger men will at least bond quicker, men in their early forties are beaten up a bit and scarred.  Men who have lived a life, have also had their egos bruised, hearts broken, trust shattered so they are less likely to give their hearts and emotions over to a new woman as quickly as a younger man might.

Some men are upfront and tell you right away that they are not looking for a relationship or a commitment.  I respect men who are upfront.  I don’t date them, but I love the honesty.  If a woman wants to get involved with no major commitment, and maybe even see a few other guys on the side, it is her choice.  Not every woman wants a relationship, and this situation might be perfect for both parties.

But then there are men who realize that a woman won’t waste her time with a hook-up artist or a non-exclusive relationship.  This type of guy doesn’t want a relationship, but still wants a woman around.  Instead of being direct he will string the her along.  He’ll never say:

“This is a relationship”

but also never say

“This is just something casual”

Some don’t even realize what they are doing, they just want to keep seeing a woman but with boundaries that are comfortable for them.  So they will dodge and weave to avoid creating a situation that will lock them down or leave them emotionally vulnerable.

I got stuck in a bad relationship that was similar to this.  I hasten to even call it a relationship now.  Instead I say “I tried to date this guy” because honestly that is how it felt.   After what I went through I now look for the following warning signs that I am in that nether region of somewhere between girlfriend and a piece of ass.

  • Refuses to talk about what the relationship is or where it is going
  • Refers to you as a “friend” – even though you are sleeping with him
  • Won’t introduce you to his friends, or get you more involved with his life
  • Won’t talk about anything overly emotional
  • Only communicates via text message or email – no phone calls
  • Doesn’t show you any emotional vulnerability – unless complaining about his ex
  • Keeps conversations and correspondence about surface topics

I thought that my guy was an exception, because when I was actually with him, he was warm, affectionate and he treated me as if I was a girlfriend.  Snuggling up to a piece of ass might seem like a good idea, but it just ends up confusing the woman.  I really liked him, so it took me a while to figure out that is all I ever was, just a sexual plaything that relieved the boredom and gave him a thrill from time to time.  And even though I was corresponding with him on a daily basis, the correspondence was still just surface and it wasn’t emotionally satisfying.   I grew tired of hearing about his daily workout routines, and the occasional bitching about his ex-wife because that was mainly all he was open about.  He never set up dates, he never saw me on my terms and didn’t go out of his way for me in any way shape or form.

He did send me many mixed messages in regards to his two children, whom I never met.  He would tell me that his son liked a photo of me, or his daughter thought a dress I was wearing in a photograph was pretty.  He also kept me clued into their struggles, challenges and joys.  Talking about his kids just gave me a false sense of hope that I might become more important in his life.  What I misunderstood was his kids were important to him, where I was not.

Ultimately I was between the world of a casual fling and girlfriend.  I hated the existence so I broke it off.  I made excuses for this man for months, he was upset from his divorce, he was being overly cautious, he was afraid to get hurt and on and on.  Because I allowed him to contact me when he felt like it, and see me when it worked for him I was enabling his emotionally distant behavior.  I had become my own doormat, and he was walking all over me.

My last relationship lasted nine years.  Since then, I sort of forgot how to date.  The last time I was single I was only 27 and the process seemed so much easier, the men less complicated.  Now that I am older and wiser I have to learn to see these signs sooner and cut my losses.  If a woman just wants a sexual relationship with no strings attached, it is usually not incredibly difficult to find.  I am holding out for something bigger and more meaningful, and I have no idea if I will find it.  I do know though that I am never putting up with being treated like that again.

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12 comments on “Dating in NYC – Potential Girlfriend or just a Piece of Ass?

  1. Lee Block

    Dating after divorce is so hard. I can’t even tell you the times that I not only was the piece of ass, but used the guy for the piece of ass…which wasn’t so bad, now that I think about it! Times are so much different now then they were when we were younger and men are different too. Love your list of red flags, the problem is spotting them!!

  2. Laura S.

    This is coming from the perspective of someone who has been with the same person since age 22, so maybe I’m naive about the dating scene, but doesn’t it seem like if you have to ask yourself this question, it’s sort of a no-brainer? Are guys like this ever to be taken seriously as potential life-long partners?

  3. Anders

    The red flags list is great. It seems that finding a person who matches ones intended commitment level is difficult. This is regardless of which gender is looking and which is found. We have the “looking for a piece of ass dater” the “Stringing along dater”, “the locked jaws of possession dater”, “the clinger” and any number not so balanced approaches to finding a person to spend the rest of ones life with. From a male perspective there is a female dater to watch out for. The nest building dater
    She is trying to find the perfect handyman, which is a trap that most men fall into pretty easily. She comes in two flavors the real nester who will keep the guy and the faux nester. The faux nester only needs something to get done around the house/appartment and uses her desireability to make some poor shmuck do all kinds of things for her, but she has absolutely no interest in the guy other than the things he can do for her. Of course there is never any real intimacy neither physical or emotional. The faux nester is also called a user, Some real nesters turn into a domesticated version of the faux nester after the wedding. All these motivations for a relationship are one of wanting to use the other persons assets it could be physical attractiveness, finacial resources or actually labour. The problem is to understand what the other is up to in time.

  4. The T

    If I might offer a bit of man-view, I’d love to weigh in… first and foremost, if you don’t want to be qualified as a piece of ass, then let’s not give up the goods too early. It’s about the classic struggle of getting what you want while not giving away your foundation.

    Men wants someone who is more than just a piece of ass…well I will say “some men” those are the men you should want anyway…men who know what intimacy and satisfaction and how to give you both of those things when it’s time to bring the relationship to a new level. Too many girls give in way to easily and instead of going to the “friend-zone”, you’re trapped in the land of bootcalls. Escape by loving yourself enough to walk away or allowing your potential love interest to walk away. Let him know you’re not giving him anything which he hasn’t earned. Most girls that give into me simply because of who I am? I rarely call them….

    Girls who allow the glimmer to imagine that “she is quality-oriented” and capable of being loved? Those are keepers….those are women who inspire men in battle. To give of themselves freely due to the power of the thought of the woman of their dreams…

    So if you’ve gotta ask yourself if you’re simply a sex object, then my dearest girl, you probably are… know your footing…more importantly, you’re more than your vagina…those girls who want to give it up so easily are everywhere…they jump out at men thinking they’re being competitive… instead twist your thoughts to be the woman who inspires men to be better for the sake of loving you…or at least make them thankful such a woman like you exists…not just in the dating pool, but in their thoughts…

    The modern pirate…


    1. julietjeske

      I didn’t really go into too many details on this story to protect the other party. But I can assure you I didn’t “give it up” too early. This thing dragged on for months before he got a piece! Ha! Never assume that about anyone. He was just a very frustrating person who kept giving me mixed signals and I finally gave up on him. It happens, to both men and women. And I am a 38 year old woman, not a girl. It is a bit ridiculous to call me that.

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  6. Bret

    Dont give up and accept only the best. I like your post… to me it shows were you’ve settled, but your not sayisfied staying there! There is hope and when you find it… it will be so worth it!

  7. Sonya

    I liked the article & also appreciated T.’s response. I got involved with a guy (for nearly a year now), that I fell hard for. I am now trying to pick my heart up off the floor. Although we are good friends, I was the booty call. I had been married a long time & single a long time. Dating was something foreign. I had a hard lesson & frankly, it sucks. It hurts. He says he wants me in his life sex or no. Maybe that is his way to try to string me along, but I guarantee you, he wont be getting anything more from me! Maybe it is also nieve, but I figure if he means that, he can step up. Otherwise, it is his loss! I will survive.

  8. Pingback: Dating in NYC: Top 10 Tips for Dating Multiple People | julietjeske

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