This is a question that we all must ask ourselves at certain times of our lives. Am I a potential girlfriend to this man who I am seeing? Or am I just a another piece of ass? These things can get blurry. It seems men over 35 are less likely to just jump into a commitment right away. This might appear to go against conventional wisdom as younger men have less responsibility and don’t want to settle down. But younger men will at least bond quicker, men in their early forties are beaten up a bit and scarred. Men who have lived a life, have also had their egos bruised, hearts broken, trust shattered so they are less likely to give their hearts and emotions over to a new woman as quickly as a younger man might.
Some men are upfront and tell you right away that they are not looking for a relationship or a commitment. I respect men who are upfront. I don’t date them, but I love the honesty. If a woman wants to get involved with no major commitment, and maybe even see a few other guys on the side, it is her choice. Not every woman wants a relationship, and this situation might be perfect for both parties.
But then there are men who realize that a woman won’t waste her time with a hook-up artist or a non-exclusive relationship. This type of guy doesn’t want a relationship, but still wants a woman around. Instead of being direct he will string the her along. He’ll never say:
“This is a relationship”
but also never say
“This is just something casual”
Some don’t even realize what they are doing, they just want to keep seeing a woman but with boundaries that are comfortable for them. So they will dodge and weave to avoid creating a situation that will lock them down or leave them emotionally vulnerable.
I got stuck in a bad relationship that was similar to this. I hasten to even call it a relationship now. Instead I say “I tried to date this guy” because honestly that is how it felt. After what I went through I now look for the following warning signs that I am in that nether region of somewhere between girlfriend and a piece of ass.
- Refuses to talk about what the relationship is or where it is going
- Refers to you as a “friend” – even though you are sleeping with him
- Won’t introduce you to his friends, or get you more involved with his life
- Won’t talk about anything overly emotional
- Only communicates via text message or email – no phone calls
- Doesn’t show you any emotional vulnerability – unless complaining about his ex
- Keeps conversations and correspondence about surface topics
I thought that my guy was an exception, because when I was actually with him, he was warm, affectionate and he treated me as if I was a girlfriend. Snuggling up to a piece of ass might seem like a good idea, but it just ends up confusing the woman. I really liked him, so it took me a while to figure out that is all I ever was, just a sexual plaything that relieved the boredom and gave him a thrill from time to time. And even though I was corresponding with him on a daily basis, the correspondence was still just surface and it wasn’t emotionally satisfying. I grew tired of hearing about his daily workout routines, and the occasional bitching about his ex-wife because that was mainly all he was open about. He never set up dates, he never saw me on my terms and didn’t go out of his way for me in any way shape or form.
He did send me many mixed messages in regards to his two children, whom I never met. He would tell me that his son liked a photo of me, or his daughter thought a dress I was wearing in a photograph was pretty. He also kept me clued into their struggles, challenges and joys. Talking about his kids just gave me a false sense of hope that I might become more important in his life. What I misunderstood was his kids were important to him, where I was not.
Ultimately I was between the world of a casual fling and girlfriend. I hated the existence so I broke it off. I made excuses for this man for months, he was upset from his divorce, he was being overly cautious, he was afraid to get hurt and on and on. Because I allowed him to contact me when he felt like it, and see me when it worked for him I was enabling his emotionally distant behavior. I had become my own doormat, and he was walking all over me.
My last relationship lasted nine years. Since then, I sort of forgot how to date. The last time I was single I was only 27 and the process seemed so much easier, the men less complicated. Now that I am older and wiser I have to learn to see these signs sooner and cut my losses. If a woman just wants a sexual relationship with no strings attached, it is usually not incredibly difficult to find. I am holding out for something bigger and more meaningful, and I have no idea if I will find it. I do know though that I am never putting up with being treated like that again.
- It Would Be Super Awesome If (Some) Men Would Stop Being Giant Pussies (thoughtcatalog.com)
- THE TRUTH ABOUT MANTI TE’O: He Had A Real Girlfriend — She Just Lied To Him A Lot (businessinsider.com)
- On the Girlfriend Zone | 5 Things You’re Doing That Keep Him From Proposing (nadirahangail.com)
- Why Your New Girlfriend Might be Jealous of Your Mother, Sister (socyberty.com)
- Dating in New York: Mr. Spontaneous (julietjeske.wordpress.com)
- Thoughts on casual dating without getting into a serious relationship? (ask.metafilter.com)