Monthly Archives: February 2012

Life After Divorce: Dealing with Loneliness

Date: February 29, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating After Divorce, Dating Online, Depression, Divorce, New York City, Relationships, Straight Spouse, Uncategorized
Comments: 15 Replies
English: Lower Manhattan at late dusk.

Image via Wikipedia

I wish I could write snappy little sentences on this topic, compile a top ten list of things to combat the sense of being utterly alone.  I could give obvious tips like surround yourself with friends, or don’t hide up in your apartment by yourself.  But it would be disingenuous of me to give advice because I don’t have any answers.  I didn’t sign up for being alone in my late thirties: no children, no spouse and very little hope of change.  Someone from my distant past who I don’t know well, put the following on my facebook wall

“Why don’t you just learn to be happy without a man?”

He couldn’t understand that this ridiculously dismissive statement upset me.  Needless to say we are no longer friends. His declaration just seemed like a death sentence.  I should just resign myself to being alone the rest of my life, that somehow wanting a relationship is a weakness.  I can’t imagine someone going up to a man who had ended his marriage and telling him

Who needs a woman?  You should be happy on your own!

I guess some might, but it seems socially more acceptable to espouse this sentiment to a woman instead of a man.  Up until recently women had fewer choices in life than men, it was either get married or struggle on your own.  Now we have a myriad of variations of a healthy adult life.  I am not searching for a partner for a sense of financial stability or cultural acceptance.  I just prefer to live in a committed relationship and not have a series of short-lived affairs.  Not everyone likes the same flavor ice cream and not everyone likes the same lifestyle.  I don’t know how it is a weakness on my part to want to share my life with another.

There is some truth in his statement:  I should learn to love living on my own and I shouldn’t need a partner in my life.  But I am hardly 80 years old.  I don’t think I should accept my fate of a permanently single woman bereft of any romantic endeavors.  Some people tell me I am trying too hard, and I should just let nature take its course.  Well even though I keep trying to convince people otherwise; I really don’t meet anyone in my daily routine.  I work with children in my day job so I meet a lot of married dads, and at night I host burlesque and comedy shows.  Any men that I seem to attract from my performances are not attracted to me in a healthy way, in fact some of them have acted more like stalkers.  They aren’t seeing me, but a fragment of my personality heightened for the stage. These men tend to put me on such a high pedestal; I would have no way to go but down, if I actually tried to have a relationship with any of them.  I have no desire to end up with another comic and further complicate any professional ambitions in that field.  Online dating has been a bit of a fiasco for me, yet I still keep trying with no luck.  I feel entirely stuck.

I also get the criticism that I am not trying hard enough.  I should force myself to go out with nearly any man within reason, including men I have no attraction towards or are much older or younger than me.  I don’t know why I should have to put myself through that hell.  Even going out with age appropriate men I am reasonably attracted to is difficult enough.  Occasionally I will get my hopes up on someone only to quickly give up as they don’t feel the same way towards me, or I discover huge compatibility problems.  As I watch nearly everyone in my social group “couple up” at least temporarily I wonder –  What is it about me that is preventing this from happening?  Is that the trauma of my divorce and subsequent depression too glaring to hide?  Is it due to my lack of trust in other people I read as suspicious?  Do I just seem desperate?  Is it this blog? (So far at least one man has blamed it for changing his mind about a second date).  I don’t know.  I go through periods of not caring at all and then waves of feeling like it is never going to change.

The loneliness is stifling.  I am envious of women with children because at least they have someone in their life who is a part of them forever.  My marriage was little more than lies and deception, but at least I had someone to come home to every night.   My spouse was someone I thought was supporting me and with whom I could share my life.  Now it is just endless nights wondering if this is just the new normal.  I didn’t sign up for this when I committed my life to my husband.   As I watch my fellow single friends start dating people they care about, I know I won’t get to talk to them as often or see them as much.  I am happy for them, but it just makes me feel that much more alone.  I wish I had some sort of pep talk for myself and for readers of this blog.  I don’t.  I continue to hang out with friends who love and support me and reach out to loving family members, but the elusive romantic partnership seems lost to me forever.  The most searched for phrase for this blog is the following.

Why is it so difficult to date in your late thirties?

Although I might be lonely, I am definitely not alone.

Related articles

Follow me on Twitter https://twitter.com/JulietJeske

Add me on Facebook Juliet Jeske Facebook Fan Page

Why Enabling Depression is Impossible.

Date: February 18, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Addiction, Depression, Uncategorized
Comments: 31 Replies
Depression

Depression (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Someone searched for the following phrase on my blog, and it caused my blood to go cold.

How to stop enabling depression

The amount of misunderstanding in that one simple statement is enormous.   I just wrote a blog about addiction, and now I am back on depression.  So here we go.  Depression and addiction are often present at the same time in the same person. I am a rare example in that I’ve suffered from depression but I don’t abuse substances.  I wasn’t self-medicating my illness with alcohol or drugs.  A lot of depressed people think along the following lines:

“I am miserable and I need relief oh look there is a bottle of whiskey or there is a line of coke, that will make me feel better.”

They do the drugs, it makes them feel better for a short period of time, the euphoria wears off they use again.   The cycle gets worse until the cannot feel joy without the drugs.  That is the pattern of addiction, not depression.

An addict chooses to pick up a drink or use drugs. It is an active choice on their end to engage in this behavior.  A depressed person who is not an addict is not choosing that personal hell.  They have biological illness that is out of their control. Both diseases have genetic components and they’re both major medical problems.

Of course some emotionally manipulative people will use the label of depression to refuse to take responsibility for their hurtful actions or self-destructive ways. Not every person or situation falls neatly into any category, especially with mental illness.   During my depression I had many well meaning friends who blamed me for my illness.  I had text book depression:

  • Wild mood swings
  • Loss of appetite
  • Panic attacks – some so severe they would last for hours
  • Suicidal thoughts
  • Inability to sleep for any length of time – waking after just a few hours
  • Difficulties with concentration and focus
  • Complete loss of libido
  • Lack of joy

I was a mess.  However, I wasn’t in control of these symptoms.   I couldn’t simply turn on happy thoughts and stop it.  I knew whatever was going on in my brain was a physical problem because I had never had symptoms like that before, and the physical effects were so overwhelming.  Like everyone I had periods of feeling sad, but the panic attacks and inability to focus were acute and new to me.  My sleep patterns were all about two or three hours long and then I would be bolt upright.  It didn’t matter how much coffee I drank or didn’t drink or how many Melatonin pills or over the counter sleeping medication I took.  My body didn’t want to sleep more than three hours, that was a physical side effect and it’s considered text-book depression.  What I needed was medication, therapy and time to heal – not tough love.

There are also a lot of misconceptions about depression.  Some people seem to think that a depressed person

  • Is really just lazy
  • Isn’t motivated
  • Has a bad habits – such as sleeping too much, or dwelling on negative thoughts
  • Is just pessimistic or has a bad attitude.

Because it isn’t always obvious to tell a truly depressed person from an emotionally manipulative one, depression is a tricky illness.  After all mental illness isn’t something that’s visible to the naked eye, and the tests for it are largely inconclusive.   So someone who wants to give up and not take responsibility for anything they do could just label themselves depressed and wallow in their misery. It’s not always easy to know who is really suffering from a medical condition and who isn’t.

But at the same time a sufferer can learn to mask their illness.  I have known people with depression who held demanding jobs while raising children. Others who have outwardly seemed perfectly healthy yet when left alone descended into fits of despair.  I was extremely sick and yet I never missed a day of work.  Over time I learned I could hide my symptoms to appear functioning in some situations.   A busy schedule wouldn’t have changed my illness, it probably would have just prolonged my recovery.

To “enable” an alcoholic you must make it OK for them to drink, not point out to them that drinking is the real source of their problem, and allow them to treat you horribly in the process.   Most addicts emotionally attack those closest to them the entire time they are disintegrating.  When you stop enabling the addict you usually have to cut them off, stop talking to them and make them know that you think their addictive behavior is self-destructive.  The addict’s main purpose in life is getting the substance and using.  They will do nearly anything to keep alcohol or drugs their top priority including betraying friends, robbing from them, putting them in jeopardy and causing them harm.

By comparison a depressed person who is not using, is not going to act out in the same way.  Where is the source of depression coming from?  It could be a death, divorce, loss of job, medical bills, work related stress, tension in a marriage or just simple biology as in someone with bi-polar disorder or chronic depression. Should a friend confront a depressed person about giving up their disease?  Get in their face tell them they are causing their own pain, label them depressed and stop talking to them?  I would think that would be the absolute opposite of what you might want to do to a person who is probably suicidal.  Bi-polar disorder especially is clearly a biological illness that requires medication.  Thinking you can talk a person out of bi-polar disorder with happy thoughts or positive thinking is downright dangerous.  It would be about the same as thinking you could talk a person out of schizophrenia or any other type of psychosis.  Also a person with depression is not going to actively attack those around them in the same was as an addict.  For instance, a depressed person usually just shuts down.  They aren’t going to steal your computer to pay for their cocaine habit.

Addicts go to rehab, and usually some type of 12-step program to try to stop using. Depressed people get on anti-depressants, anti-anxiety medication and usually go into some type of therapy.  The difference is the addict is also willfully part of their own destruction.  Even though addiction is a disease and there are biological and genetic components to it, the addict is still an active participant in their demise.  No one is forcing them to use, they choose to pick up the bottle, down the pills, or shoot up.  The depressed person is not choosing to not get out of bed, to not eat, to not find joy in pretty much anything.  A depressed person should not be “cut off” or confronted for causing their own illness.

There is a fine line between being to the point of needing medical intervention and just a change in attitude.  But in general cutting off a person who is suffering from the real medical illness of depression in order to “help” them would bring about the opposite effect.   The depressed person would feel that much more isolated, unloved and alone. A depressed person needs compassion not “tough love”.  An addict will just continue using so when you cut them off they will return to their drug of choice, until of course they seek help.  Again since most addicts also suffer from an underlying depression the distinctions between these two illnesses get murky.

I’ve heard countless stories from readers of this blog about depressed relatives and loved ones who isolate themselves.  They verbally demean and attack anyone who tries to help them, and push away any hope they have for a recovery.   Again even in these situations, there is not much anyone can do for the depressed person.  A relative or loved one’s behavior is not going to change their mental illness.   If you’re in this situation, you’re NOT the cause of that person’s mental illness.  If they’re tearing you down, and constantly hurting you, the best thing for you to do is to disengage.   Try to get that person help, but not at the expense of your own emotional and mental well-being.  That’s not the same thing as enabling an addict.  People who give an alcoholic booze, or make it easier for the alcoholic to drink are enabling the addict.  A loved one or relative is NOT encouraging or making another person’s mental illness worse unless they’re either abusing that person or preventing them from getting medical help.

Unfortunately when I battled my disease I had a few friends who blamed me for being sick.  The people who helped me out the most, my friends who had also suffered from depression.  Instead of judging me they listened.  They knew I needed help and tried to get it for me.  I got books, recommendations on therapists, and patience.

I was not choosing to have panic attacks, run away anxiety, lack of sleep, loss of appetite, wild mood swings, black thoughts, suicidal tendencies or the inability to feel joy.  What happened to me was reactive depression due to a sudden and extreme trauma.  I was also suffering from bouts of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  I got better thanks to an anti-depressant, therapy and time.  What also helped in my recovery  was my active choice to not engage in self-destructive behavior such as drinking, or doing drugs.

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is one form of therapy that does help re-train a depressed person’s brain into a more positive outlook.  In his book “Feeling Good“, David D. Burns, MD touts the benefits of CBT but at the same time goes on extensively about the pros and cons of anti-depressants and anti-anxiety drugs.  He also does not tout CBT as an overnight cure as recovering from a serious depression takes time for anyone.   Some severely depressed patients respond positively to electroconvulsive therapy, which is fairly radical treatment directly on the brain, not exactly a 12-step program.  As scary as this treatment seems, ECT is quite effective in some patients.

With about 30 seconds of research I found this highly misguided group.

http://www.depressionanonymous.org/

From what I could tell the website hadn’t been updated in five years and they were no longer holding meetings. The entire concept of Depression Anonymous seemed to stem from one book, by one woman.   It certainly didn’t seem like the huge and organized group that is Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous.  And I know there are people who criticize both AA and NA for being ineffective as the success rate is low, but I have known many people who have greatly benefited from AA, NA and other 12-step programs, so I am not sure what to think.

I wish deep in my heart that people would stop misunderstanding what is probably one of the largest medical health problems of the past century, and will continue to be a problem in the decades to come.  I had no clue until I went through it myself, but my depression was so much more overpowering than any extended weekend of self-pity.  What I suffered from and what millions of others suffer from all over the world is a real medical condition that if left untreated can lead to intense suffering, and for some suicide.

I am eternally grateful to my many friends, relatives and loved ones that had the patience to see me through my bout with this horrible disease instead of deciding to stop “enabling” me and cut me off only to have me spiral downward.  What helped me the most was not rude interventions with scolding, tough love and lectures but when my friends sat me down and begged me to get medical help.  The friends that cut through the static in my head the most were friends who had struggled with depression themselves.   Had people decided to stop “enabling” my behavior and cut me off I might not be here right now to type this blog.

Related articles

Follow me on Twitter https://twitter.com/JulietJeske

Add me on Facebook Juliet Jeske Facebook Fan Page

Dating in NYC: What Men should NOT do on a first or second date.

Date: February 15, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating - NYC, Divorce, Relationships
Comments: 19 Replies
Texting on a qwerty keypad phone

Image via Wikipedia

I am adding the following disclaimer to all of my dating related blog posts.  I change details, and create composite characters when I write about dating archetypes such as “Mr. Houdini, Mr. Angry, etc.  I would hate it if someone wrote about a high energy blonde comedian negatively in a blog, so because of that I never include a person’s occupation or anything about their physical description.  I also change enough details that I doubt anyone I am referring to would even recognize themselves if they read one of my articles.   I have split one person into three, or taken several people and put them all into one example.  So simply put, I am very ethical on this blog.

A happily married friend suggested that I should write this list because as he put it.

Some men just have no clue

And because I get a lot of men on this blog searching for all sorts of knowledge about dating, I thought I would give it a shot.  So based on my experience and an extremely unscientific poll of feedback from my female friends, ranging in age from early 20’s to late 50’s I came up with this list.  Many of these are obvious and universal as they apply to both genders.  And mind you I am far from the “perfect” dater.  I make every mistake known to man…and then some.  But in the interest of the public good….here we go.

These tips apply to when you are actually on a date with a woman…not before.  Online dating tips are another thing entirely.

Tip #1 – Don’t forget to compliment the woman on her appearance.  You don’t have to say much but you had better believe that whomever agreed to go out with you or meet you for a drink has spent a great deal of time on their wardrobe, hair and makeup.  Even the less is more type of gal is going to want to impress, so a simple, “You look nice” or “You look lovely” will do.  It is always a huge mistake to say nothing, especially on date number one or two when you barely know the woman. When a man says nothing to me, I assume he is not that interested.

Tip #2 – Don’t look cheap – You don’t have to spend a lot of cash, it can be as little as a drink.  Under no circumstances go dutch.  It is just rude, especially on the first date and especially if you were the one asking her out.  You don’t need to buy an elaborate meal, and you don’t need to spend a small fortune.  But at least OFFER, she may decline but it is a nice gesture.   Even if you think that in 2012 you shouldn’t have to do this,  it is simple common courtesy to offer something even just a cup of coffee or a glass of wine.

Tip #3 – Don’t bitch about ex-girlfriends or ex-wives – I am extremely guilty of this one – just don’t do it!  It is best to keep things light.  You might mention the divorce or breakup, but then do not bash your ex or go on and on about her.  It just makes a woman feel completely ignored, and as if she is some type of free therapist…BAD FORM.  When men have done this to me, I might feel sorry for them, but I don’t take them seriously as a potential partner.

Tip #4 – Don’t complain about money, that you have no money, or that you are broke…even if you are broke.  Again, you need not be a Rockafeller to impress your date.  I know of countless lower income men who do quite well with the ladies.  When you bitch about your finances you might make the woman uncomfortable, or feel obligated to somehow take care of you.   It is a lot of pressure and totally inappropriate.  You can bring this up later, but when you first meet someone, it’s generally a bad idea.

Tip #5 – Don’t start talking about sex too soon – Now this one is true in most cases unless you met this woman on a hook-up site or for the express purposes of just having sex with her.  In most cases you will just freak out your date and she will want nothing to do with you. If she brings the topic up first, then its different.  Never assume however, that sex talk will lead to sex.

Tip #6 – Don’t text or talk on the phone in front of your date – If it is a work related or family matter, get to quickly and get back to the date right away.  It’s best to physically walk to the bathroom, or to another area when you do it, then apologize profusely and get back to you date.  Don’t make a habit of it, and don’t constantly check your email or text messages in front of your date.

Tip #7 – Don’t go on a bitch fest – So many times I have sat down at a table with a perfect stranger and they just go off on some rant about their landlord, their job, their neighbors or any number of things.  It makes a horrible first impression and it is best avoided.

Tip #8 – Don’t go down a laundry list of questions – Sure everyone loves to talk about themselves but you can make a person feel interrogated when you simply throw one question right after another.  A date is not a job interview relax, talk about something light like the weather.  Also wait for her answer.  I can’t tell you how many dates I have gone on where a man asks me a question, only to cut me off before I answered it.

Tip #9 – Avoid lightening rod topics – Again obvious, but you would be surprised what I have heard from friends: abortion, politics, rape, religion, avoid anything that might alienate you from your new potential partner.  It is one thing if you already have a good idea of the person’s religious or political beliefs from an online dating profile or if you know you have similar beliefs.  But this is not time to preach or convert, if you never want to see the woman again, then this is a sure-fire way to make that happen.   And don’t ask your date if she wants children on a first date – you are putting her on the spot and it is WAY too early to worry about that yet.

Tip #10 – Don’t ask about her former boyfriends or how many sexual partners she has had – This one is just plain rude.  A general rule of thumb is if you wouldn’t feel comfortable answering something don’t ask another person.  And although men might like to brag about how high their number of partners might be, women are usually the opposite.  There are always exceptions to this rule however as some of my female friends make no bones about having a plethora of partners.

Tip #11 – Don’t take her somewhere where you can’t talk – Movies are terrible as you won’t engage in much conversation, as are many music venues.  Keep it simple, but make sure you get to talk if this person is a relative stranger to you.  You might find that she will like you MORE if you actually talk.  Rather than taking her someplace impressive where you will barely share a few sentences between each other. Again if you are just intending on having a sexual relationship with her and not much more, than go ahead and take her to a loud club.  You might confuse or annoy a woman who is looking for a hook-up if you ask her to go on a traditional date.  She might just want to have sex with you and skip the formalities – but make sure you are both want the same thing, before assuming anything.

Tip #12 – Don’t bring up another woman you want to go out with – Think I am kidding on this one?  It just happened.  A somewhat nervous man trying to forward the conversation openly admitted to correspondence with another woman (one I happened to know) on an online dating website.  She happened to be a comedian.  He said he hadn’t gone out with her yet, but was hoping to eventually meet her because he found her fascinating.  I couldn’t make this one up….NEXT!  I have made the mistake of talking about past men, but never a man I wanted to go out with in the future – that is madness.  It’s also tacky to tell a petite woman how much you have a crush on a celebrity that is tall and curvy, the same goes with going on and on about how hot a tall and slender blonde celebrity is when you are on a date with a shorter curvy gal.  Like it or not she is going to make the assumption that whomever you are describing is what you prefer.  DON’T COMPARE YOUR DATE WITH ANOTHER WOMAN.   After you have been dating a while this kind of talk is fine. But when you are just getting to know someone just don’t go there, unless of course you are describing some celebrity your date happens to resemble then it’s not so bad.  I’m a taller than average athletic blonde, when some guy goes on and on about a curvy brunette who is 5’2″, my heart sinks.

Tip #13 – Don’t force her into a socially awkward situation – Don’t also try to meet up with friends, and then force your date to hang out with them.   Your date is essentially a total stranger to you, shoving her into a social situation with a new person, or a bunch of new people is just going to make her more anxious.  When you make the date, and force your date into meeting more new people because it is convenient for you, you are essentially telling your date that she is not that important.  It is a bad call, rude and it shows you have no game.  A first date is not the time for multitasking, if you blow it, you probably won’t get a second chance.  If you would rather see your out-of-town friends, then don’t plan the date on the same night, or end the date and then go hang out with your old friends.

Tip #14 – Don’t openly criticize your date – Look these situations are strange for everyone, for you and your date.  It might take a minute for you both to calm down and really start talking.  If you make a judgment on your date, she will most likely shut down immediately and just want to leave.  And no one wants criticism like this, especially from a virtual stranger and when they are vulnerable on a date.  If your date is being overtly rude to you, it might be time to just end the date and go home.   But if you WANT to see this woman again, don’t pick her apart.  This might seem like common sense, but it happens more than people think.   I have heard way too many stories and had my own experiences with this one.  Personal pet peeve – Hey I thought you were a comedian, why aren’t you funnier? – Well maybe because I am not ALWAYS working.  If I here that particular question one more time…

Tip #15 – Never assume you are going to have sex – This should be obvious but I thought I should write it anyway.  A woman is under no obligation to have sex with you, make out with you or even kiss you – even if you have paid for dinner and drinks.  You might think the date is going extremely well, while your date might never want to see you again.  Some women will go along on date out of a sense of politeness, some will send mixed signals, and some will be downright confusing – it’s all part of the game.  I’ve heard stories of women grinding into men on the dance floor, making out in bars, or kissing for hours in cars who will ultimately say no to sex. You only get to have sex with a woman if she agrees to it.  This is true regardless of the amount of time you spend with her, the amount of effort you put into the date, or even if you spend a fortune on the date.  No always means no.  If you just want to hook-up with a woman, you should make your intentions clear early on.  She may not want to go out with you on a traditional date anyway. Some women are perfectly fine with just sex, but communication is key.  Never assume anything without consent!

If anyone has more tips for me I will gladly add them.  🙂

Follow me on Twitter https://twitter.com/JulietJeske

Add me on Facebook Juliet Jeske Facebook Fan Page

Unconditional Love – Why it is such a bad idea

Date: February 13, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Depression, Divorce, Gay Husband, Relationships, Straight Spouse, Uncategorized
Comments: 8 Replies
unconditional.

Image via Wikipedia

I have a feeling this post might upset some people.  But I have thought that before and it hasn’t stopped me yet.  As Valentine’s Day approaches I think of the cliché line that is often uttered in Victorian novels, romantic comedies and tales of epic romances.

I will always love you, unconditionally

I find this statement not just unrealistic but downright dangerous.  The only vessels on this earth that should receive unconditional love are children and pets.  For one adult to pledge to unconditionally love another adult is a little fantastical.  As we all have conditions on lovers and their behavior.  Many a lifetime has been destroyed trying to live up to this myth that true love will conquer all, or that somehow no matter what the obstacles love will live forever.  I would agree that if the obstacles and stresses are external that this type of love should be striven for in every intimate relationship.  For instance, if one is stricken with a horrible disease it is noble and inspirational if their partner stays by their side through thick and thin.  That kind of unconditional love is a beautiful thing that we should all hope and strive for in this life.

But what if one partner begins to abuse, damage or hurt the other partner?    What if they have sexual relationships outside the relationship without the other partners consent?  What if one repeatedly puts their own needs before their partners?  What if one weaves a tapestry of lies and deception living a secret life without their partner’s knowledge?  Is it right to love them unconditionally despite this extremely destructive and hurtful behavior?  Abusive behavior should not be brushed aside due to some vow of “unconditional” love.  We should never become a doormat to an idea or notion that is unattainable.  I stayed in my marriage years longer than I should have because I thought that if I loved my husband enough, that it would save the marriage.  But my marriag,e constructed of lies more than anything else, was not salvageable.  I had no hope in keeping it together no matter what I did.

I know of some relationships that take great pride in the length that they have survived as a couple, yet some of these relationships are no more than two co-dependent toxic people who cannot live without each other.  I think of the example of the play Who’s Afraid of Virgina Wolf  in which Martha and George, have been together for over two decades in a relationship of constant bickering, fighting and mutual destruction.   The main forces keeping them together being fear, co-dependence and alcoholism.  Is that “unconditional” love?  We all know couples in our real lives that exist this way and they are nothing to envy.

I also used to find it romantic when a spouse would lose another due to death and then never remarry.  After my divorce I find that notion horribly depressing and sad.  Sad that the surviving spouse was never able to make that same kind of connection with another human being.   They should still love and honor their deceased partner, but with enough time to grieve should try to find someone new to let into their life.  As most partner’s would not want their surviving spouse to remain lonely forever.

Unconditional love  is ultimately self-destructive unless it is unconditional love for ourselves.  I am not saying that we should love ourselves in such a way that we don’t see our short-comings, poor choices or mistakes.  We should never see ourselves as anything but the flawed human beings that we are, but if anything we should have so much love for ourselves that we don’t allow another to treat us in such destructive ways.   And to hell to the silly novels, lame romantic comedies and articles in Cosmopolitan that tell us otherwise.  A healthy adult relationship should have boundaries and conditions.  To love someone who is abusive to you is not love, and it is nothing noble it is a form of self-loathing if nothing else.

Related articles

Follow me on Twitter https://twitter.com/JulietJeske

Add me on Facebook Juliet Jeske Facebook Fan Page

When you finally stop enabling and tell your friend to sober up.

Date: February 12, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Addiction, Depression, Uncategorized
Comments: 8 Replies
A Kranz (wreath) of Kölsch beer.

Image via Wikipedia

I wrote this months ago about a former friend.  I decided to not publish it because I worried that this former friend might see this and freak out.  At this point I doubt she reads my blog or cares what I have to say.  I don’t drink alcohol often, usually only a few times a year on special occasions.  I don’t drink because my extended family has not had the best history with addiction or alcohol use.  I have seen far too many dark examples of what happens when people let substances take over their lives, so I chose to not make substances a part of my life.  It is not easy, as most adult social situations center around alcohol and it is assumed by some that anyone who doesn’t partake is unusual, uptight  or anti-social.   With the recent passing of Whitney Houston (probably drug related) it made me want to publish this.  The rich and famous have handlers who will enable them all they way to the grave.  When an addict has so much money and people hired to please their every whim, it takes an extremely long time before they reach their rock bottom and get help.   It is why so many celebrities die from the disease, no one is there to stop them before they fall.

I don’t know who will read this but my depression entry gets tons of traffic so maybe an alcoholic seeking recovery or someone dealing with an alcoholic will stumble on this and it will help.  To protect this person’s identity I won’t reveal her name but for privacy purposes of this blog I refer to this friend as simply D.

I met D at a horrible time in my life, dealing with a rough divorce and an extremely painful depression  that followed it.  Throughout my recovery our friendship grew and I thought of D as one of my closest friends.  We started to work together and that is when the problems started.   On more than one occasion something I did seemed to upset D and she would completely react towards me in an irrational way.  Everything became blown out of proportion and several angry phone calls or emails would follow, but then D would eventually apologize or at least partly apologize.  It was exhausting.   D also admitted to me that she had a drinking problem, or that she thought she had a drinking problem.  She confided to me that she would drink alone by herself until the point of being intoxicated nearly every night.  She also thought her spouse also was an alcoholic.   She strung me and another sober friend along for weeks with promises of getting help and going to Alcoholics Anonymous. She never went to a meeting, she never sought help of any kind other than to call both of us repeatedly.

Then she finally decided to quit drinking for thirty days.  She did this without therapy, going to an AA meeting or rehab.   About a week shy of her goal she called me to tell me she was about to relapse.  I was actually on the phone with her as she walked into a bar and started drinking again.  I didn’t know what to tell her, as I am not an addict and I had no idea what to say to her that might stop her from drinking.  But it was heartbreaking on my end.  It was late at night and she was several miles from me, I don’t know if she expected me to jump in a cab and try to physically stop her, but I couldn’t afford to blow money on a cab, especially since I didn’t think it would do any good.

After her relapse she never again brought up her drinking problem.  Our relationship definitely changed after that as I felt I didn’t know how to bring up that topic, because I definitely thought she still had a problem.  Months later she lashed out at me while she was visibly intoxicated.   After much back and forth between the two of us I finally brought up that her drinking might have something to do with these erratic mood swings and her self-destructive behavior.   She had told me on multiple occasions that she had problems with feelings of paranoia especially when drunk.  So I didn’t think much of bringing up both to her because I had hit my breaking point.  Her reaction of course was to deny everything and then to attack me for every flaw she could find.  Somehow after telling me for months that she_thought_she had a drinking problem, then showing up drunk and becoming emotional I wasn’t supposed to even dare bring up the obvious.   I was supposed to suddenly develop amnesia about all the times previous she had gone on in detail about her problems with booze.

I am far from perfect, I have horrible demons in my past and bad habits and I make mistakes all the time when dealing with interpersonal communication.  I know this, but I don’t feel bad telling an alcoholic that they are an alcoholic and they need help.  I don’t regret losing a friend over this.  Because otherwise I would have slowly drifted away from her.  Eventually eroding my ties to her and she would never know why.   I would be yet another friend who cut her off without confronting her about her very real and serious problem.  She attacked me for being self-involved, yet I was the one who picked up the phone time after time with her breaking down on the other end about her addiction.

To any addict the whole world seems self-involved, because anyone who knows an addict knows that they view themselves as the center of the universe.  No one understands their pain except for them, no one is as tortured, as despondent, as complicated and as misunderstood.  When in reality the addict is like every other addict, sick, scared and in need of help.  And if she sought professional help she would find out that simple truth, that addicts are more alike than they are different and that they are all battling a difficult disease.   If left untreated they will take down everyone within their path until they get that help.   I chose to take a step back and get out of her way.  I am not going to get pulled down into her personal hell because she feels like taking spectators with her.  She can only cry out for help so many times and then slap me in the face for trying before I just give up.

If you have an addict in your life who is repeatedly begging for help but not changing their behavior.  Make the difficult choice and stop enabling them otherwise you will only get blamed for their mistakes and tragedies the alcohol has caused.  No one is perfect and everyone deals with their own hang-ups and flawed ways of dealing and coping.  But addiction is a real disease and sometimes the best thing you can do for a friend in crisis is to confront them with their problem.  I probably permanently destroyed my friendship with D, but I would have felt worse placating her and pretending to not see what was right in front of my face.   If had just smoothed things over and ignored her real crisis I wouldn’t have been much of a friend to her anyway.  I am fairly certain that she is still drinking to the point of intoxication nightly and that she will eventually destroy herself if she doesn’t get help.   My heart is still a little broken from the experience but I don’t regret my attempt at an intervention.

Related articles

Follow me on Twitter https://twitter.com/JulietJeske

Add me on Facebook Juliet Jeske Facebook Fan Page

Is Madonna Too Old for the Halftime show or is it just a Double standard?

Date: February 7, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Entertainment, Uncategorized, Women and Feminism
Comments: 9 Replies

I never watch the Super Bowl, normally I could care less.  But this year the NY Giants were playing and after their dramatic win to the 49’s in the playoffs I was excited enough to watch the game projected on a huge screen with a couple dozen of my closest friends down at Coney Island USA.   I knew Madonna was going to be in the halftime show but she wasn’t the reason I watched the game.  But like her or not, the production value alone to her half time show put many if not most prior attempts to shame.  I mean she started the whole affair with several dozen beefy marching men dressed as Roman gladiators and had male and female dancers all over her ever-expanding and changing stage.  It was so over-the-top that love her or hate her music it was one hell of a show.   The group of people I was sitting with sat mesmerized, again for the stagecraft if nothing else.  They have something like seven minutes to put it up and eight to take it down, it was beyond ambitious and it seemed to go off without a hitch.  And if it was anything like her concerts, Madonna was instrumental in how everything looked down to the last detail.

I wasn’t surprised that there was controversy surrounding her appearance as Madonna always seems to court controversy.  Some were upset that another female performer, M.I.A. flipped the bird and screamed an expletive.  I hardly noticed it and Madonna can hardly be blamed as the rapper did not do either in rehearsal and she cannot be responsible for the actions of a another.   What I have found depressing is how most of the criticism was about Madonna’s age.  And I thought to myself well wasn’t “The Who”, “The Rolling Stones“, and Paul McCartney recently in halftime shows?  Then I went and watched clips of previous performances and well lets just say when compared to the “Black Eyed Peas” appearance Madonna looked like an absolute genius.  Even the “Rolling Stones” played it extremely safe as it was just the band performing on a stage in the middle of the field.  Which is their prerogative of course, as the original halftime shows were just marching bands.

But just for the heck of it, I wanted to do an age by age comparison of the male performers who have also graced the halftime stage with Madonna.  I know there were some critics who said the male performers were also a bit long in the tooth, but there is something about our society that holds women to a higher standard.  Women can’t be past a certain age, and if they are then they can’t go to any extraneous methods to try to keep their appearance youthful.  If she didn’t get plastic surgery people would say she looked old, if she does get plastic surgery people will complain that she has had plastic surgery!  She certainly doesn’t look old!  It is just a blatant double standard.  So here we go by the numbers, the ages listed represent the ages they were when they performed, not their current ages.

So a person could argue that the men weren’t trying to be “sexy” at that Madonna was trying to pull off sex appeal at 53.  Well I don’t think most female fans of the men listed would agree to that, and I hardly think Mick Jagger considers himself a non-sexual human being.  Not even close!  He doesn’t exactly just stand there and sing…HA!

Love her or hate her everyone is entitled to their opinion.  But calling her too old doesn’t make a ton of sense especially since she is a decade younger than most of the men who have gone before her.  And if you want to compare, look at some of the previous performances…most were extremely straight forward.  Madonna was hardly boring.  And if the producer want to keep with the age as a theme…Cher is 65!  Just saying…that would be interesting!  🙂

And just for a bit of fun…here is the super bowl performance of the Black Eyed Peas

And here is Madonna

NO COMPARISON! Even if you don’t like Madonna her production was flawless….the Black Eyed Peas…well…I will just say I think they are a much better group than that performance.

Related articles

Follow me on Twitter https://twitter.com/JulietJeske

Add me on Facebook Juliet Jeske Facebook Fan Page