Monthly Archives: April 2012

Dating After Divorce: If my Online dating profile was Realistic

Date: April 23, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Divorce, Gay Husband, Straight Spouse, Uncategorized
Comments: 5 Replies

If my online dating profile was my inner monologue it would go something like this.

Divorced.  I am putting that first because some of you guys can’t handle it.  So there it is.  DIVORCED.  But hey at least I tried marriage, you are 40? 42? and never married?  So what’s up with that?  Maybe you moved around a lot, maybe you got out of something long-term but otherwise…seriously what’s up with that? And I ask because once you find out my story you will judge me, and oh yes you will…so here we go.

My husband was gay.  No really gay.  Yes we had sex, I am not an idiot.  But the sexual relationship became dysfunctional, and to be quite frank it happens in a lot of marriages.  A quick google search of “sexless marriages” will yield plenty.  And no, he didn’t act gay.  No one thought he was gay.  He wore beat-up clothing with stains on it, and cared very little about his physical appearance for the most part.  He was ripped though.  Should I have known from his buff physique and extensive work-out routines he was really on the down-low?

You might think that since I was married to a gay man that I don’t like sex or that I am asexual.  Oh what I won’t tell you, but that is hardly the case.  I am a one-man type of woman in that I like having one partner at at time, and I like to get to know my partners before having sex with them, which is hardly uncommon, especially for women.   I am not frigid or asexual, in fact I had plenty of perfectly normal relationships before I got married.  I was miserable living that way and I never want to go back.

But enough about him…but you will ask about him, because you will probably find my blog.  And then after you do you will freak out.  Look I am not going to write about you.  I dare you to find another person’s name on my blog other than my own….you won’t. I feel like I have to tell you about the blog, after you find out my name, thanks to powers of a google search.

I was a good wife.  Loyal and ridiculously faithful.   I bent over backwards to make my husband’s life as easy, and I was extremely supportive of his career.  Sacrificed my own career ambitions for him and in the process kind of painted myself into a corner.  This is my fault and I take responsibility for it, but I thought that is what a spouse is supposed to do.  I won’t do it again. Not sure if I would ever marry again…the divorce was so horrible.  Haven’t really dated much so the idea of re-marrying seems really crazy…anyway.

I hope you aren’t one of the many socially awkward types that I seem to go out with.  I don’t know why but it seems that most of the men I have been on dates with have difficulty having a normal conversation, so I am forced to blather on and reveal way too much.  Or they sometimes try to impress me with tales from their youth in which they did hardcore drugs.  Well drugs aren’t an accomplishment so much as a bad habit, so the drug stories don’t impress me.  Anyway, I am a bit awkward myself.  Please don’t be intimidated by the fact that I go onstage with a microphone, or the fact that I liberally use the “f-word” both on stage and in my every day life.  Don’t freak out that I wear a pink wig, don a huge pink polyester dress covered in applique and pay a crazed children’s performer for adults named Princess Sunshine.  Don’t lose it when you hear my song “Man Whore” or “Younger Piece of Ass”.  And everyone knows the accordion is the sexiest musical instrument, second only to the ukulele. I play both, how lucky are you!?!

Look I am fortunate in the genes department and I look 10 years younger than my actual age, I am naturally ripped and slender.  If you are into women with huge breasts and a sensuous curves, you will want to keep looking as that is not me.  But if you like an athletic build…I might be your girl.  And yes I am a vegetarian and I don’t drink alcohol often but that doesn’t mean I am an uptight shrew.  I used to cook meat for my ex-husband all the time.  I am so not uptight that I go out all the time to see my friends take off their clothing for fun.  That’s right…burlesque…I perform in that too…but as an emcee, not a dancer.  Not that there is anything wrong with being a burlesque dancer.  Sorry if that freaks you out, it probably does.  What can I say?  I am a total weirdo.

And to those of you who want babies and are worried I am 39 years old.  Well my grandmother had her last at age 42 and my aunts all had lots of healthy children.  No one in my family has had even the slightest problem with fertility.  And to the men who have kids and don’t want more…well I would have to meet yours and we could figure this out.  Kids love me.  Just don’t tell them about the “f*ck” part of my vocabulary or that I play whacked out characters all over New York.

And I am writing a book!  With a literary agent and everything…no deal yet…it is about being married to that gay clown…oh that’s right he was a clown too.  And I am sometimes a clown, trying to get out of it….but it is honestly how I make a portion of my income.  I dress up in a huge red skirt and go by the name Lulu.  Have you freaked out yet?  You probably have stopped reading at this point, or your just doing it out of curiosity.  I am a regular walking freakshow.  I have actually worked at the Freakshow, a few times…mainly as an emcee or comedian…down at Coney Island.

So if you aren’t a socially awkward man, and you don’t mind that I am a starving artist, and I don’t have a normal job.  Or that I was married to a gay man…and that I am out late when I am performing shows and all of that…we could be the perfect match. 🙂

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Everyone seems to be getting worked up over HBO’s “Girls”

Date: April 18, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating - NYC, New York City, Relationships, Uncategorized, Women and Feminism
Comments: Leave a reply

I don’t normally write reviews, but since I tend to write about women’s issues sometimes I felt compelled after seeing the highly anticipated “Girls“

HBO decided to green light a new program starring written and directed by a 25-year-old woman, Lena Dunham, called “Girls”   I think that might be too much to expect from a 25-year-old, despite her exclusive and expensive education at St. Ann’s in New York and Oberlin.  There is no substitute for life after all and most 25-year-old simply haven’t lived enough of it to fully understand its many complexities.  Reviews of the show have been glowing to scathing, and several writers have gotten worked up over the awkward and depressing sex scene in the pilot.

It breaks my heart to say it, as I should be championing a show written and created by a woman especially one that produced and set in Brooklyn.  However the show made my skin crawl.  I don’t think I am its intended audience as I am nearly 15 years older than the main character.  But I am a single woman struggling to make it in New York, why do I hate it so much?  I guess because the lead character comes across as an entitled whiny brat completely dependent on her parent’s allowance.  When her parents cut her off abruptly she flips out, quits her unpaid internship and ends up high on opium pod tea.  Her roommate complains of a boyfriend that is “too nice” and her roommate’s visiting relative from England discovers she is pregnant.

I do not come from a privileged background not even close, so I guess it might be why I can’t relate to these characters.  Not only is the creator, Lena Dunham from a certain level of privilege but one of her co-stars is the daughter of NBC reporter Brian Williams.  So two privileged girls created their little slice of New York that only they might find interesting.  I would love to see reviews of this show written by poor struggling New Yorkers, not well off reporters.  I didn’t find these characters sympathetic at all.  Dealing with real adversity actually makes people more interesting, and the obstacles these women are up against don’t seem that insurmountable.  I don’t think the creator of this program has experienced much outside of her privileged sheltered upbringing.  For example the roommate that complains about the boyfriend who is too nice, and has a proverbial vagina…comes across as completely unlikable.  What does she expect?  And how frequently is this really a problem for young women, especially in New York?  I have heard tales of both men and women treating each other horribly, not being too sweet or too nice.  Hook-ups, one night stands, sexually transmitted diseases and rude texts and emails are the norm, not overly dotting super committed boyfriends, especially at that young age.   I know a lot of women much younger than myself and I don’t think any of them has the “boyfriend that is just too nice problem”.  Not one in fact.

The apartment they live in looks to be in the Park Slope neighborhood of Brooklyn which is actually quite posh.  Their place is huge and for the most part well furnished. The rent is unbelievably low at $2100 a month as it appears to have at least three bedrooms. The furniture is beat up, cheap and secondhand…but at least they have furniture.   When I was just out of college in Chicago I slept on the floor because I couldn’t afford a bed, and I have met several New Yorkers who have little more than a mattress, yet these women have large and comfy queens with bed frames, matching bedspreads and cute little lamps, even framed art on the walls.   The characters are also obsessed with the television series “Sex in the City“ which is to be expected as the whole endeavor appears to be some type of younger homage to the characters.  I want to inform them that “Sex in the City” is more myth than reality as most single women in New York spend the majority of their time working, the rest alone.   We can’t afford weekly brunches, constant lunches out, trips to the Hamptons and $400 shoes.  And even the characters on “Sex in the City” saw themselves as fully flawed people, not as perpetual victims.

When the lead character quits her unpaid internship she protests about another intern who was then hired as a paid employee.  Her boss responds that the former intern turned employee knows Photoshop.  Most enterprising young women would then, try to learn Photoshop or other advanced software to better their chances in the highly competitive workplace.   Instead the lead character wanders off defeated.  As a person who taught myself numerous software programs and how to type after college, how to build a website, and various other office skills,  I just felt like sitting down with this young woman and giving her a lecture on growing up.   Then there is that sex scene that everyone is worked up about.  The way her boyfriend treats her and their awkward sex scene is just flat-out depressing.  He is disrespectful and cruel yet she doesn’t seem to notice and puts up with his poor behavior.

What drives this young woman?  She is trying to publish her memoir, that is the memoir of a 25-year-old woman.  Not a 25-year-old who got back from the Peace Corps, or volunteered with orphans in Africa, is a cancer survivor, traveled around the world, or is recovering from working as a street-walker or high paid escort.  No, just a 25-year-old that went to a prestigious prep school, elitist college  and worked as an unpaid intern.  I can’t imagine no matter how skilled a writer that the fictional memoir would be all that interesting.  I know we all think we are fascinating when we are 25 but we are really just pups waiting for life to knock us around a bit and make us into more complicated adults.  Unless of course we are truly exceptional in our early twenties, but most of us aren’t.  I think I might have more sympathy if she was writing a novel, historical fiction or even poetry something less self-obsessed.

Of course there are some issues that do face young adults are addressed in this show, overwhelming student debt, a poor job market, exploitative internships and complicated dating lives.  But I can’t help but grabbing the lead character by both shoulders and say…

Try being a kid who couldn’t afford to even work at an unpaid internship because their parents couldn’t afford to subsidize them – then try to apply for jobs that require intern experience.  Try having to suck it up and take any job, even jobs you don’t want but you know you need to pay your rent.  Try living in a crappy neighborhood in a barely furnished hell hole with broken plumbing and spotty electricity.  Try living next door to a drug dealer.  Try living without health insurance for years because you simply can’t afford the coverage.  Try being the kid with a high GPA from a state college who has to compete with graduates from Oberlin whose parents subsidize them.   Try having your phone shut off or not being able to pay your rent because you are working but not making enough.  Try living next to neighbors who can’t stop fighting morning, noon and night.  Try almost getting mugged in your elevator or grabbed on the street.

Would a truly realistic portrayal of young artists trying to make it in New York be a watchable program?  Perhaps?  I don’t know.  But let’s not create a fake harshness and call it compelling.  When entitled wealthy young women make art, this is what we get.  The day mommy and daddy finally cut you off, should be the first day of the rest of your life, not the end of it.  If Dunham is the “voice of her generation” I shudder for our nation.  If we have managed to produce a bunch of helpless, entitled whining self-obsessed dolts we really are in trouble.  Eating cupcakes in the bathtub of a huge apartment in Park Slope is not struggling.  Just stop by a trailer park in Missouri or a housing project in the Bronx if you want to see a real young woman fighting against the odds.

I really wanted to like this show, I really did…but I hated it.  Here is a link to the pilot episode, maybe you will love it and if you do, it’s all good.  We don’t have to agree upon everything, and again I don’t think I am the intended audience for the show.  I am sure there are many 25-year-old women who would hate the brilliant, nuanced, dark and surreal dramatic/comedy about a divorced man in his early forties “Louie” which is one of my favorites.  But then I am a 39-year-old divorcee who has been to hell and back, so “Louie” speaks to me in ways they would never understand.

Girls – Pilot Episode

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Stalking – Why it is no joke

Date: April 16, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating - NYC, New York City, Uncategorized, Women and Feminism
Comments: 6 Replies
Ted Bundy mug shot, Feb. 13, 1980.

Ted Bundy mug shot, Feb. 13, 1980. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I put a little sliver of my life on this blog, not my entire existence just fragments and pieces.  🙂  Due to some of my increased exposure as of late, I have had to deal with a problem of a few male “fans” who have crossed boundaries on various social media outlets.  What usually happens is they start commenting on everything I post, either on this blog or on Facebook.  Their correspondence gets increasingly personal and disturbing until I finally block them from my profile.  These men then respond with repeated vicious attacks using just about every means available to them.  I have received harassment on this blog, in my regular email, on Facebook, twitter and even once on an online dating website.  That particular man created not one, but two fake profiles with the sole purpose of harassing me.  In most cases, I have never met these men outside of cyberspace, nor have I had any personal history with them.

Immediately after a particularly bad episode with one male, a few of my friends posted the following joke on their Facebook pages.  I am not sure of the exact wording of the joke so I will paraphrase

“If a guy is unattractive he is a stalker, if he is good-looking then he is a secret admirer”

Women were gleefully posting comments as “so true” and the like.

I don’t know anyone who has had a “secret admirer” since grade school, maybe middle school.   When an adult male desires a woman, he will usually let her know and in the most direct way possible.  And in my 38 years on this planet I don’t know any woman who would find a stranger following them around in a car or hanging outside their apartment building or home, anything but a threat.  Even if the man is devastatingly handsome if he is lurking about on your property…how would that not be creepy?

Real stalking is a huge problem and it has only gotten worse with our privacy free world of the internet.  In most cases women are stalked by former boyfriends, or ex-husbands.  So conceivably at one time these women found their stalkers quite attractive.  Somehow the relationship went south and now the man is using stalking tactics to try to control, dominate and intimidate his former lover.   I have known several women who have had to get restraining orders against men who refuse to leave them alone.  And with background searches so easily and cheaply attainable any potential stalker can find out almost anything he wants about his would be prey.  A stalker can find where a woman works, where she lives, her phone numbers, friends, hobbies, and even her exact location thanks to those insane “check in” computer apps.

I have had men send multiple angry emails, at first begging me to write them back, followed by angry vitriol filled diatribes, and finally I will rue the day I snubbed them.  Why they feel the need to get so upset at someone they have no history with, and no shared experience is beyond me.   I won’t get into many specifics because I worry that if any of the men who have sent me threats read this, I would only be adding fuel to the fire by reprinting in detail what they have sent me.  But I have gotten the following two remarks included with sexually explicit degrading remarks.

“Maybe I will see you at a show sometime”

or

“You will really feel bad if I decide to show up at one of your comedy shows” 

I have a calendar on my website, as I am trying to promote my performances and help out the producers who have hired me.  I can’t really hide when I am going to appear onstage; and, producers are going to promote me anyway.

What a joke about stalking is really saying is that stalking isn’t a real problem.  That somehow women wouldn’t mind angry crazed emails on their blog, in their inbox and even in their online dating profiles if the man making them was attractive.  Getting nasty emails or letters filled with sexually threatening language isn’t exactly welcome from an older unattractive man, or a beautiful young man.  The physical appearance of the man sending the intimidating material is irrelevant.  A joke like this is yet another dismissive attack on women and the right for all women to lead independent lives.

According to the Stalking Resource Center – National Statistics for Crime

  • 3.4 million people over the age of 18 are stalked each year in the United States.
  • 3 in 4 stalking victims are stalked by someone they know.
  • 30% of stalking victims are stalked by a current or former intimate partner.
  • 10% of stalking victims are stalked by a stranger.
  • Persons aged 18-24 years experience the highest rate of stalking.
  • 11% of stalking victims have been stalked for 5 years or more.
  • 46% of stalking victims experience at least one unwanted contact per week.
  • 1 in 4 victims report being stalked through the use of some form of technology (such as e-mail or instant messaging).
  • 10% of victims report being monitored with global positioning systems (GPS), and 8% report being monitored through video or digital cameras, or listening devices.

The stalker “joke” reminds me of another poorly aimed attempt at humor that I have heard one too many times.

“He is only a rapist if he is ugly”

Well again, can’t really agree with that joke or find it funny.  After all Ted Bundy was an extremely attractive man, he was also one of the most prolific and brutal serial killers of our time.  He would not only strangle women but have sex with their corpses days sometimes weeks after he had murdered them.  His actions are not exactly funny or something to laugh about.   His attractiveness made him a more effective killer since women were less likely to suspect him, but according to his few surviving victims his sexual relationships weren’t consensual.   Bundy preferred to have sex with his victims after he killed them.

So call me politically correct, but I am going to disagree with anyone who thinks a “stalker” joke is funny or lighthearted.  Any woman, or man for that matter, who has had to deal with a stalker situation would never find it humorous.   My tactic for dealing with men who try to intimidate me on the internet is the following.

I stalk my stalkers.  I have the full names, emails, phone numbers, places of work, home addresses, criminal histories and even family members of the various people over the years who have threatened me.   If I have a flurry of activity from a stalker, I walk around with a hard copy of any threatening emails, and a background check of the person.  That way if they show up at a performance and try to harm me I will have more proof for law enforcement that this person has done more than just show up to see some comedy.  When I have stalker activity, I also don’t broadcast where I am going, or what show I might be attending on twitter, on facebook or in any other public forum.

I just want to live my life and this blog has improved mine immeasurably since I started it, so I am not about to shut it down.   And as I always say if you are really so worked up, write your own blog and get off of mine!  🙂  That is the more proactive approach now isn’t it.

And if you are experiencing a problem with someone who is stalking you.  I found an excellent resource in the Stalking Resource Center

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On Birth Control: A Plea to Republican Women

Date: April 12, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Uncategorized
Comments: 7 Replies
Français : Différents types de pilule contrace...

Français : Différents types de pilule contraceptive English: Different kinds of birth control pills. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

According to a recently widely publicized study, the vast majority of women use some type of artificial birth control.  For most women that birth control is hormonally based birth control.  Yet despite its wide-spread use Republican governors and representatives have been pushing legislation across this country that would make the most commonly used forms of birth control illegal or more difficult to obtain.

This is my plea to Republican women.  We may not agree on fiscal policy or the size of government.  We may not agree on states rights versus the role of the federal government.  We may not agree on unions or labor rights in this country.  We may not agree on the role of religious organizations in government. We may not have the same thoughts on foreign policy. We may not agree on gun control or funding for education.  We may not have the same views on the environment or sustainable energy.  We may not agree on how health care should be paid for and who should get it.  We may not agree on entitlement programs or how we should pay down the national deficit and debt.  We may have different feelings about corporate person-hood or regulation of the banking industry.  We may not agree on the our current tax system.  We may not share the same opinions on access to or the legality of abortion.

But nearly all of use birth control.  And we like using birth control because we think it is important to decide how many children we want to have, if any at all.  We like planning our families and spacing out our pregnancies.  We like being able to have a healthy sexual relationship with our spouses or partners and not risk getting pregnant every time we have sex.  We like being able to use birth control for therapeutic reasons such as heavy periods, Endometriosis or Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.   We like to concentrate our families resources on the children we do have rather than spreading them out over so many.   We aren’t all religious extremists and most of us see nothing morally wrong with using birth control.  We don’t all look to someone like Michelle Duggar with her nineteen kids and a reality show and think she is living the dream.

So I implore you if you are a Republican woman and you want to keep birth control available for all women of child-bearing age including yourself, that you let your Republican representatives, senators and governors know you aren’t going to stand for this.  Women in the democratic party are also fighting back, but those politicians know we wouldn’t vote for them anyway.  As a republican you have more pull on this issue as those republican representatives really do need your vote.  We don’t have to agree on every issue, but we are all women and we are indeed all in this fight together.  No one can tell half of the adult population in a free society that they are going to limit our choices and get away with it.   The political system in a democracy does not exist without citizens standing up and screaming for what they believe in.  And we will not always agree, on a lot of topics, but we are all women.  And our right to access and use birth control is something so near and dear to our daily lives that no political party or political agenda should threaten.

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Divorce: The Emotional Vampires

Date: April 12, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Depression, Divorce, Gay Husband, Straight Spouse, Uncategorized
Comments: 5 Replies

I am adding the following disclaimer to all of my dating related blog posts.  I change details, and create composite characters when I write about dating archetypes such as “Mr. Houdini, Mr. Angry, etc.  I would hate it if someone wrote about a high energy blonde comedian negatively in a blog, so because of that I never include a person’s occupation or anything about their physical description.  I also change enough details that I doubt anyone I am referring to would even recognize themselves if they read one of my articles.   I have split one person into three, or taken several examples and put them all into one example.  So simply put, I am very ethical on this blog. 

I just wrote a piece about emotional predators.  People who are just out for themselves and spend their time manipulating and  exploiting others.  The far more evil version of emotional predators is the emotional vampire.  The difference being a vampire will suck you dry until there is nothing left.  Most emotional vampires would probably be diagnosed sociopaths or borderline personality disorder.  They are extremely rare, but extremely dangerous.  Other human beings mean nothing to them, we are all a means to an end. What do they look like?

  • They sometimes resemble a younger version of the spouse
  • They are emotional and passionate, spontaneous and wild
  • They will say and do anything to get their prey.
  • Charismatic and extremely likeable
  • Masters of manipulation

Emotional Vampires are especially dangerous to a marriage.  The vampire decides your spouse is someone they want, and will do anything to be with them.  Your children, your marriage and even your spouses well-being and sanity are secondary.  The financial destruction that could also be in the wake of a broken marriage is also secondary.  The vampire wants what they want, and the rest of us had better not get in their way.   They use flattery, and passion as their main weapons.  They will tell your spouse he or she is the greatest thing on planet earth, that you don’t understand them, and that they were meant to be together.  A marriage which is already troubled or strained cannot sometimes weather these storms of infidelity.  The worst vampires don’t even care what happens after they get their prey.   They might destroy your marriage, win your spouse over and then drop their new conquest when the excitement is over.

My marriage imploded in part due to an emotional vampire.  In my case it was a man who set out to get financial and career advancement through my husband.  He actually did me a favor, because my husband was a closeted homosexual and finding out about this relationship gave me hard evidence to finally confront him and get out.  But in situations where all parties are straight or the same sexual orientation the aftermath is more difficult to navigate.  I know of marriages that have survived a someone who set out to destroy them.  In one case the marriage is stronger and children were born after the affair.  But in most cases the marriages crumble under the betrayal, lies and ongoing infidelity.  The emotional vampire becomes like a drug to the cheating spouse, and they will do anything to get that drug including destroying themselves in the process.

Because these people are so selfish, so single-minded and lack empathy they are difficult to fight back against.  If you can get your partner into counseling, if you can fight back hard enough through a mediator you might have hope.  The cheating spouse may wake up out of the fog and see the reality and havoc they are causing.  Or they may not, and then justify their self-destructive behavior.  And if you see someone like this hovering around your spouse, do not hesitate to see them for the snakes they are, and if you have any sway in the situation try to prevent them from sinking their claws into your husband or wife.  Never think you are immune to outside forces, no matter how strong you think your marriage.

Marriages are challenging as they are supposed to be life-long commitments.  And any relationship is going to evolve, grow and change throughout the years.  Sometimes the damage is beyond repair, sometimes the scars heal and the marriage is stronger for it.   That is usually the case only if both parties fight hard to keep it together.  One spouse cannot do it on their own.  If an emotional vampire decides that your spouse is what they desire, your marriage may not survive.  Your former partner however will then be stuck with a sociopathic selfish person who will most likely turn on them.   They will only want their new prize as long as it is exciting for them, or their achieved ambitions are met, be them professional or financial.

If this happens to your marriage take heart.  If you fight back with everything you have and still can’t keep your spouse, don’t beat yourself up on top of it.  We are all doing the best we can, and sometimes our best is not enough.  An emotional vampire might have done you a huge favor, in that they may have opened up your eyes to the person you have dedicated your life.   If your spouse is willing to destroy everything they have in life for this new person, and you do everything in your power to get them back, are the really worth it in the end?

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Dating After Divorce: The Emotional Predator

Date: April 11, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating - NYC, Divorce, New York City, Relationships, Uncategorized
Comments: Leave a reply
ventral side

ventral side (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I am adding the following disclaimer to all of my dating related blog posts.  I change details, and create composite characters when I write about dating archetypes such as “Mr. Houdini, Mr. Angry, etc.  I would hate it if someone wrote about a high energy blonde comedian negatively in a blog, so because of that I never include a person’s occupation or anything about their physical description.  I also change enough details that I doubt anyone I am referring to would even recognize themselves if they read one of my articles.   I have split one person into three, or taken several people and put them all into one example.  So simply put, I am very ethical on this blog. 

I think we all know this type all to well. Again, this one is universal, and post-divorce individuals are especially vulnerable to their charms. Really no one is really safe with an emotional predator, as the best are masters of manipulation and deception. They can be

An emotional predator will pick up on whatever weakness you have and exploit it. Their goal is usually to have a sexual encounter with you and they will do anything to reach that goal. They will lie about their past, their current living situation, their interests, goals, hobbies, whatever to transform into the person they think you would desire. The worst predators won’t stop at a one-night stand, they need to control and dominate their partner’s lives, and are truly insidious.They are highly skilled at figuring out what makes you tick and what will interest you on a deep level. They might use your insecurities or fears or play up on your strengths using flattery. I just dodged a bullet with someone I think may have been playing me, and playing me well.

I can think of someone from my not so distant past as an example.  He figured out that I was a brainy type, so instead of trying to impress me with flashier credits in his past he used more intellectual ones. He was charming, sweet and went out of his way to ask questions about my interests and ongoing projects, pretty much anything that was near and dear to my heart. He also mislead me about his intentions.  In doing so implying that he might be looking for more than a simple one-night stand.  What all of this amounted to was me allowing my guard down. But I am generally a hard nut to crack, as I have major trust issues and I am not 22. So I didn’t immediately succumb and agree to hook up with him, or go out with him. Instead I remained coy and uncertain and definitely gave him mixed signals.  Fast forward a length of time and he is curt, clipped and I discover that some of what he told me is blatantly false. What he was probably looking for was a meaningless fling, and even though people misunderstand me on this very topic, I am not against anyone having sexual encounters with virtual strangers. However I think both parties should know what they are getting into before they hook it up.  Implications of a longer term, more invested relationship should not be used in order to make the one night of passion happen. And when a person is showing interest in a deeper part of yourself, that can blur many expectations.  The funny thing is, had he been upfront about his intentions and what he wanted, he might have been far more successful in his pursuit of me.

In my case the example I use was a close call, as I was swooning over this man until I saw the other side of him. When that happened I simply cut him out of my mind like a dead tree branch, and added him to the list of many men who have been in that role before him. But I wasn’t so lucky in the time immediately after I left my husband. Blinded by grief I made some fairly huge mistakes when allowing people into my life. All it amounted to was more lack of trust, pain and anguish.

In some cases, emotional predators are just insecure conniving people who are self-serving and justify their actions as just a part of dating. But in others mental illness or addiction may play a role

Unfortunately for the rest of us some people are just so insecure that they fulfill that emptiness with sexual or emotional conquests.  They equate their personal value by how many people they can bed, manipulate or control.  An emotional predator is a person to avoid at all costs.  And the best way to do that is to take things slow, don’t rush into anything and try to see the forest for the trees.

  • How do they interact with others, including people of the gender they date – If they treat other potential partners badly it is a bad sign
  • Try to find out history or a back story about them, knowledge is power
  • If you are suspicious trust that instinct and don’t rush in.
  • When in doubt – Sleep on it.  Give yourself space and see what happens when you pull away

Sadly there is no fool-proof way of avoiding someone who will cause you great pain and emotional harm as some predator types are so damn convincing.  But if you have dealt with someone like this, take heart, as we all have.  In most cases, it is all about them and has nothing to do with you.  They played you and they will play other people in the future.  The good thing is they are rare as most people don’t view others as objects or toys.  But if you find yourself in these situations repeatedly, you might want to re-evaluate your dating style.  A true emotional predator knows how to pick his or her prey.  The balance is being vulnerable  enough to allow a new person into your life, while not being so open as to become someone’s next victim.

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Life After Divorce: Just Keep it Simple?

Date: April 6, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating - NYC, Divorce, New York City, Relationships, Straight Spouse
Comments: 2 Replies
I Want a Divorce

I Want a Divorce (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I am adding the following disclaimer to all of my dating related blog posts.  I change details, and create composite characters when I write about dating archetypes such as “Mr. Houdini, Mr. Angry, etc.  I would hate it if someone wrote about a high energy blonde comedian negatively in a blog, so because of that I never include a person’s occupation or anything about their physical description.  I also change enough details that I doubt anyone I am referring to would even recognize themselves if they read one of my articles.   I have split one person into three, or taken several people and put them all into one example.  So simply put, I am very ethical on this blog.

Online dating profiles are a window into a person‘s soul.  Most profiles don’t really tell you that much about a person, but the usually tell you enough to know when to send an email and when to keep moving.  One such profile popped up as a match on my OKCupid.com profile.  The man was generally attractive, age appropriate and seemed obsessed with cycling.  But he also had one overwhelming theme that was repeated throughout and that was

“When it comes to life, I believe in keeping it simple”

He said this around four times, including in the

“You should message me if….you believe in keeping it simple when living life”.

I hate to say it, but that was the final straw for me and I decided not to message him.  Sure we can all keep things simple in that we try to hang out with people who love and support us and avoid self-destructive behavior but if my divorce has taught me anything it is life is hardly simple.  His obsession with this premise just made me think he might be shallow or dim witted, and since I have sat through some fairly painful dates with both shallow and dim witted men I decided against contacting him.

Human relationships are nuanced and full of many shades of gray.  Life is in fact quite complicated, not simple at all.  My relationship with my ex-husband is complex to say the least.  Up until June 21, 2009 I considered him my best friend, my closest confidant, and then in an instant found myself staring at a man I hardly knew.  A bond and trust like that can’t be immediately severed, instead it took months and years for it to morph and change from overwhelming feelings of anger and resentment to a now familiar attachment that is difficult to describe.  What has been actually more troubling are the other relationships I lost when my marriage fell apart.  People I thought were as close as family just drifted away without so much as any real condolences or understanding.  In fact from some of them criticized me for being too hard on my ex.  If they only knew the layers of sacrifice and burden I had to endure for much of my marriage, the deception and betrayal they would never dare say something so profoundly uninformed to me.

As I witnessed many of my friends also go through difficult and painful divorces I experienced the extremely complicated nature of human relationships.  Some of my friends sabotaged their marriages with blatant infidelity or with downright abandonment towards their spouses.  Do I cut those friends off because of the way they treated their marriages?  Or do I understand the relationship was between those two people, and only they understand the torment and struggle they were going through.  Other relationships simply fell apart due to the every day wear and tear we put each other through, and any couple who has been together more than a decade or more knows, sometimes two people simply do grow apart.  And of course I had friends who were subject to cruelty and betrayal on extreme levels from their spouses.  Some of the stories still cause me to tear up when I think about them.  Married for twenty years only to be thrown away for a newer model and to find out the betrayal stretched on for the entire duration of the marriage?  Again anyone in a long-term committed relationship knows how much two people can go through in that time span especially when they have children together.  And then what of the children?  Damaged by the failure of a marriage and scarred up from the feeling of abandonment by one or both of their parents.  Not to say that the children won’t heal and might be better off in a divorced situation rather than a toxic household, but divorce is traumatic for all parties involved.  Or how about instances when one spouse is horribly treated by another then has to manage a healthy co-parenting relationship after the fact for years.  Life is not always so simple, and human relationships are hardly simple.  In fact they are quite complicated, and anyone who has survived a difficult divorce knows this truth all too well.

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Samantha Brick – Too Beautiful? Too Delusional?

Date: April 6, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Uncategorized, Women and Feminism
Comments: 13 Replies

A regular reader suggested I write about this so I thought I would give it a shot.  Samantha Brick, a columnist for The Daily Mail a newspaper in the UK created a bit of an internet firestorm with her article

The Downsides to Looking Pretty

I have a lot of mixed feelings on this very topic.  For starters I know that women can sometimes be cruel to other women for no other reason than another woman is younger and more attractive.  This does happen, and I experienced it when I was a much younger woman.  Disney movies come to mind with the perfect and beautiful princess and the older less attractive jealous queen or witch hellbent on destroying her younger rival.  The Disney films and many other pop culture references get their inspiration in part to the many of the classic Grimm fairy tales where this plot line is a common one.  However I don’t think it is as big as a problem as Samantha Brick espouses and I really don’t buy much of her story.

Too much of anything will invite envy, if someone is too smart, too rich, too physically fit, too confident, too funny, too talented, too lucky…someone will resent them for it.  Jealous is unfortunately a part of human nature for all genders and all ages.  We can all remember situations from our childhood when we were on either side of that fence.  When I was a child I was hated by some my bright platinum blonde hair, while others loved me for it and would make a big deal out of my ice blonde locks.  When colored contacts became common I was suddenly constantly asked.

“Are your eyes real?”

Of course my eyes are naturally blue, so this question always confused me.  Accused of both dying my hair and wearing colored contacts by people who barely know me, or think they know me well I can feel her pain.  What I don’t agree with her on however are some of her wild claims.   I won’t break down all of her tales of free alcohol, flowers and gifts from total strangers as they may or may not be true.   They do sound a bit fantastical to a taller than average, slim blonde who gets no such perks.   Here is one statement she makes in her article that might be the reason she is getting so much hate mail.

But there are downsides to being pretty — the main one being that other women hate me for no other reason than my lovely looks.

Perhaps as this happened to me from my late teens to early twenties.  Most of my friends in college were male, but that was only for the first two years or so, once I got more confident with who I was a person I gained more female friends.  The men hung around me hoping I would eventually sleep with them or date them.  I didn’t get along with women as well due to my own insecurities and awkwardness, not any overwhelming beauty although I think my looks played some part.  In most instances when I encountered a negative attitude once I opened my mouth and started talking to these hostile women it went away, not in every case of course but in most cases.    When the woman saw that I didn’t take myself very seriously and that I wasn’t obsessed with my appearance their impression changed instantly.

I’m not smug and I’m no flirt, yet over the years I’ve been dropped by countless friends who felt threatened if I was merely in the presence of their other halves. If their partners dared to actually talk to me, a sudden chill would descend on the room.

Personally I think she is projecting a bit.  If she is sitting there obsessing that this is happening, then it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.  But I have never met Ms. Brick and I have no idea what her personality is like, she may be quite lovely or she could just be so self-obsessed that women just find her annoying.   We don’t know but we start to get an idea from the rest of the article.

And most poignantly of all, not one girlfriend has ever asked me to be her bridesmaid.

I have been a bridesmaid once…only once but I don’t think it has much to do with my looks as most of my friends didn’t have huge weddings.  And I can’t imagine any bride thinks to themselves…wait that blonde woman will upstage me…it is nearly impossible to upstage a bride.  The bride is in a huge white dress that probably cost a fortune and the whole entire day is about her.  At my own wedding my extremely attractive tall and curvaceous sister was my maid of honor and two of my bridesmaids were my college aged, and drop dead gorgeous petite cousins…all of which were blonde.  Their appearance had absolutely nothing to do with their selection, the fact that they were all related to me and near to my heart had much more to do with the process.

You’d think we women would applaud each other for taking pride in our appearances.

I work at mine — I don’t drink or smoke, I work out, even when I don’t feel like it, and very rarely succumb to chocolate. Unfortunately women find nothing more annoying than someone else being the most attractive girl in a room.

Now we really see some of the self-absorption.  By making this statement about working out, eating well,  she is implying other women don’t.  And that is simply crazy.  As we all know women who never work out and are blessed with perfect figures anyway, just as we know women who work incredibly hard with diet and exercise and still struggle.  And the rarely succumb to chocolate line is a bit much…so any overweight woman is just a lazy pig who shovels chocolate down their throat all day?  Or perhaps she might have a few children that have affected her body type or made it difficult to maintain the daily work out routines.  Maybe some women might have a genetic predisposition to being slightly larger and are perfectly healthy at that weight.  Body type has more to do with genetics than any workout routine or diet regime on earth and avoiding chocolate might help but it won’t turn a curvy shorter gal into tall slender one.  When she makes this comment it just reeks of arrogance.

Take last week, out walking the dogs a neighbour passed by in her car. I waved — she blatantly blanked me.
 
Again even more self-absorption.  Why is everything about her?  People blank other people all the time, most people are lost in their own thoughts thinking about their own problems not obsessed with their neighbors overwhelming beauty.

I approached a mutual friend and discreetly enquired if I’d made a faux pas. It seems the only crime I’ve committed is not leaving the house with a bag over my head.She doesn’t like me, I discovered, because she views me as a threat. The friend pointed out she is shorter, heavier and older than me.

This just flat out didn’t ring true to me.  I can’t imagine that someone would say to another person.  Especially the specifics, shorter, heavier and older.  I know this might be shocking but not every man prefers someone taller, thinner and younger.  Especially in the height department.  As someone who is slightly above average in height I have found it has caused me more problems dating than being petite would, as some men don’t like dating women who are taller than them, or close to their height.  Put me in a pair of heels and well…it can get tricky.  Some men don’t prefer skinny or thin women either and the age thing varies from man to man as well.  Models are tall in part because they are walking clothes hangers.  Sounds harsh but in the fashion industry, the emphasis is on the clothing, not the models.   And a thin woman with few curves actually draws more attention to the clothing and less to herself.  So taller, thinner, younger is not always more desirable, just ask any man.
And women don’t want to hang out with someone more attractive than they are.

I would have to disagree strongly with this comment as a person who works in the burlesque scene in New York city all of my female friends are dressed to the nines nearly every time they leave their apartments.  Form-fitting vintage dresses, false eyelashes, makeup, hair, heels, fishnets, even glitter and they are all gorgeous.  No one gets excluded because they are “Too pretty” it is just unfathomable.  I am sure it happens, but I don’t see a lot of examples of it in my circle of friends, none actually.  I have seen women who are self-obsessed, bitchy or mean, get excluded though so again…she very well might get shut out of things, but it may have nothing to do with her beauty.  Since none of us know Ms. Brick personally we can’t really surmise, but I am finding some of her claims to a bit silly and her stories to a bit fabricated.

What I really found depressing about this article was that I think women trashing other women based on their appearance is a real problem, however I don’t think Ms. Brick makes a very good case of it.  She comes across as so arrogant and full of herself that she is just an awful spokesperson for this dilemma.  And I know nearly every critic has said this about her, but I would have to agree, she is moderately attractive and no stunning beauty.  And I say that not to knock her down a peg but because I know so many absolutely drop dead gorgeous women and most of them don’t seem to have this problem. Most attractive people both men and women usually have an easier time in life, not a more difficult one.  Here is an example of just one study that finds that attractive people have an easier time finding a job and another study that claims they earn more at their jobs.  If anything what is more destructive are articles like Ms. Brick’s just pit women against each other.  Do we really need more of the Disney stereotyping shoved down our throats?  And are jealous women really the main problem to women in the workforce or in our society? For instance to argue that female jealousy is the cause of the current birth control and abortion right debate would be lunacy.   I would argue most of the negative assumptions, prejudices and stereotypes towards women have to do with a boy’s club mentality, the constant sexual objectification of women and deeply engrained cultural traditions.  It would be nice to instead focus on strong women who are changing the world and are not obsessed with their hair, make up or avoiding chocolate.  Our current Secretary of State comes to mind as do many other powerful women.
And here is a photo of yours truly compare it to the one of Ms. Brick, we are close in age and in appearance yet I don’t get free perks of booze and train tickets wherever I go nor do I seem to have these same problems….which is the main reason I wrote this article.  Surely the lady does protest too much.
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Life After Divorce: Fighting off the Dread.

Date: April 3, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating - NYC, Depression, Divorce, Gay Husband, Relationships, Straight Spouse, Uncategorized
Comments: 5 Replies
One Is a Lonely Number

One Is a Lonely Number (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The other day someone I had met once, and really didn’t know at all said the following to me.

“I think there are more divorces in your future, you are going to die alone”

Or something to that effect, I am not really sure exactly what he wrote.  Glad he thinks I am getting married again, personally I can’t see that happening but you never know.  Now again, the person who said this didn’t know me at all.  I had barely interacted with him in any capacity online or in person.  He got upset because he thought it was perfectly acceptable to randomly pick a fight with me on my Facebook wall. It started with a positive comment on my part and ended with him calling me a “c*nt” making that remark and claiming I insulted him, which I never once did.  I simply stated that I didn’t really know him well, had never posted on his wall, and then asked if he even lived in NYC anymore.  I assumed he lived in LA, apparently he lived in NJ and took this as some sort of huge dig.  I thought if he lived in LA that it was weird that he was even bothering as that is just half way across the universe.  That is all I meant by my comment.  But I am just assuming it was the NJ reference as I never called him a name, and I never once insulted him.  I don’t know how I would insult someone I barely knew other than calling him angry and I didn’t even do that, I simply said I found it annoying when people I barely know post inflammatory things on my wall…and it is annoying.  But if he thought that comment would hurt me, he was way off.  As I don’t need random angry white males who know nothing about me making comments like about me when I have my own brain to do it for me.

You will always be alone, you will always be alone, you will always be alone

Sometimes I feel like everyone I have gone out on bad awkward uncomfortable dates with since my divorce is now having absolutely amazing romances.  Maybe they are, maybe they aren’t.  But the feeling of overwhelming dread is a constant fight I battle nearly every night.  In my darker moods, I will walk around the city and play back all snippets of every horrible date I have had in my mind.  Some weren’t so bad but there were still non-productive in that there was no connection and we both felt it.   So the dread creeps in there, usually at night, when I am trying to shut down my engines and finally give my brain a rest, I find it just goes into hyper-drive.

You will always be alone, you will always be alone, you will always be alone.

I know it isn’t rational, and I know it isn’t true but it bounces around regardless in my skull every night as I am trying to calm down.  I just don’t see much of an end.  Since I have started working on my memoir it has only gotten worse.  At least I have the work to distract me but now I am even more isolated than ever.  And I know so many others like myself, both men and women past their peak dating years and single.  I am not going to radically change the person that I am to the core of my being and suddenly start running around pursuing a polyamorous or promiscuous lifestyle.  I am a one-man woman who just feels stuck.  I could go out with someone 10-15  years younger than me, as I get a lot of offers but I find I rarely relate to men that much younger than me.

You will always be alone, you will always be alone, you will always be alone

I know it’s not rational thinking and I know I can control it.   And I try to use my Cognitive Behavior Techniques to try to shut it down.  All or nothing thinking, irrational thinking, of course that is not true, no one will end up always alone.  But then I think about a comment the total jerk made to me and it rings true, not just for me, but for every human on this planet.  As most people don’t actually die with their spouse or significant other.  Unless they are both killed in some type of accident, or die of the same disease at roughly the same time…most of us…do in fact…die alone.  We might spend years even decades by ourselves after a spouse has passed.  Or even if our spouses are alive when we go, most of us don’t always have those hallmark moments with loved ones surrounding us when we leave this earth.  Death comes in all sorts of ways, and many of them are hardly warm and fuzzy.  We might even have to face the horrors of watching our children or nieces and nephews die before us.  That is life, sometimes it is just that brutal.

You will always be alone, you will always be alone, you will always be alone.

So I guess I really shouldn’t dread that voice in my head or the occasional stab from some random stranger.  I put my vulnerability out there in the form of this blog.  I am the proverbial dog who has decided to bare its belly for the world.  So take your stabs, my skin is Teflon at this point.  At least I tried a long-term relationship and it failed.  But at least I am not drinking myself into oblivion every night or thinking I can fulfill myself from an audience because that is dragon chasing its tail if there ever was one.  Or thinking that a better job, more money, more exposure will somehow cure the insecurity inside of me, when it won’t.  Even if that dreadful thought becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy and I hope it doesn’t, it really isn’t so horrible as most of us deal with loss, loneliness and grief.  It is just a part of life, and at least I will admit that I am flawed and damaged without shame.  I have lost, will probably lose again and it doesn’t make me a horrible person, it only makes me human.

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