Monthly Archives: June 2012

Our broken Health Care system – My story

Date: June 28, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Politics, Scam, Uncategorized
Comments: 1 Reply
Front entrance of the old Cook County Hospital.

Front entrance of the old Cook County Hospital. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I graduated college at the age of 23.  I was living in Chicago Illinois and working as a stage actress.  My pay was low and my job did not provide health insurance, although it was a professional union theater.  I also had any number of part-time jobs but none of them provided me with health insurance.  Yet I was paying all my bills on time, and completely supporting myself.

My mother took me off of my father’s COBRA plan once I graduated from college.  She thought I could purchase an individual plan with no major problem.  She was wrong.  I applied for Blue Cross Blue Shield for a standard individual plan.  The costs were extremely high even back in 1996.  I was also being charged about double since I was a woman, I thought this was a bit absurd but it was explained to me that since women might need maternity I was paying in for myself and for all women.  A slightly twisted concept I thought since women can only get pregnant with the help of a man yet only women have to pay extra for other women.

I filled out the paperwork and waited, and waited and waited.   Finally after about six-weeks the insurer informed me that I had too many medical problems and they wouldn’t cover me.  I was 23 years old with no chronic conditions.  My asthma wasn’t even diagnosed until years later.  When I demanded to know specifically why I wasn’t covered they said it was because I hadn’t had enough healthy pap smears in a row, and because of a cervical  biopsy I had at the age of 22, I was deemed high risk.  Even though the biopsy showed no signs of disease and I didn’t even have an STD.  My exam was free and clear.  The biopsy was given to me because my pap smear was slightly off due to being on the tail end of my period.

I had only had two pap smears up until that point, which is perfectly normal for a college-aged woman.   Blue Cross said that I need five healthy pap smears in a row before they would consider insuring me.  A woman typically gets a pap smear a year, so what they were really telling me is that I had to wait five years.

I tried to apply for coverage with other insurers, I even went to an insurance broker who sat me down and told me what the real problem was, no other insurer would cover me at any amount.   My paperwork would get “lost”, phone calls were left on voice mails never answered, I would spend over an hour on hold, mail would be returned to me.  The broker told me that I was basically being blacklisted by Blue Cross Blue Shield, and yes he used those very words.  Blacklisted.  Somehow the fact that Blue Cross Blue Shield was denying me was showing up in my medical records and no other insurer would touch me due to the size of Blue Cross.  If an insurer that large wouldn’t cover me, it just made me look extremely high risk.

So we devised a plan.  I was able to get emergency only coverage for six months, that could be renewed but only for two years total.  So I couldn’t use it to go to the doctor, but if I got hit by a bus I could go to the hospital.  The coverage was lousy but better than nothing.   I also decided to get those five healthy pap smears and send them to Blue Shield, but my plan was to do it in half the time.  So every six months I went to Planned Parenthood and explained my problem.  The nurse practitioners sympathized with me and obliged me, even though they thought it was ridiculous.  So after getting and paying for five healthy pap smears in about 2 1/2 years I applied again, and was denied again.  The insurer cited health concerns again, but they wouldn’t give me a specific reason.

Meanwhile during this time I got sick, nothing major but I ended up at Cook County hospital twice.  Cook County was a no frills, bare bones public facility that could turn down no one.  The first time I went to Cook County I waited eight hours to see a doctor, and then got a free prescription, only waiting an hour to get the prescription.  The second time I went it was only a five-hour ordeal.   While waiting to see the doctor I sat in a waiting room of wooden benches along with the poorest of the poor and homeless people.  It was a rattling experience to say the least.  When I applied for the health insurance program through the state of Illinois I didn’t qualify.  Since I did not extend my COBRA coverage I was ineligible.  The cost of extending my father’s COBRA coverage was astronomical once I left college, but according to Illinois state in order to be eligible for their plan I had to extend my COBRA for as long as possible.  Of course I had no way of knowing any of this when my mother opted to stop covering me at the age of 23.

Finally my luck changed a bit and I ended up with a full-time job, at all places the American Medical Association.  When I was filling out my employment paperwork I noticed their health care plan was through Blue Cross Blue Shield.  I panicked, I thought surely they would deny me coverage.  The woman in HR told me that no one had ever been denied coverage.  Of course, they had employees with major chronic health problems, or children with chronic health problems, but in a large group plan it was efficient to cover everyone.   My application went through and I suddenly had insurance.  I went back and asked my friend the insurance broker what exactly had happened.

He explained it like this.   An insurer will most likely lose money on an individual plan.  They have to do the paperwork and claims for one person, a person who is paying their premiums themselves and is probably going to squabble over every charge.  The same person is probably going to use the insurance more often that they are paying a few hundred dollars a month for it.  Whereas a person in a group plan won’t fight over every bill and is more likely to use their coverage less often.   Group plans were just much more efficient and cost-effective both for the insurers and the employers.  That is why the cost of individual plans are so high and why insurers usually don’t want to deal with individual plans.

So given my experience, I can’t really get enthusiastic about a “market based” solution to health care.  In my case the market completely let me down.  I couldn’t get health insurance at any cost.   So my Libertarian friends can rant and send me links to websites denouncing reform, and my Republican friends can call Obamacare socialism and tell me to read this book or that email, but my personal experience is going to trump all of it.  I was a perfectly healthy 23-year-old female with no cancer in my background, no chronic medical conditions and no history of lapsed coverage for more than a few months, yet I couldn’t get coverage.  If an insurance company can deny a healthy 23-year-old, than just about anyone could be denied coverage.

And now that I live in New York state with its much tougher patient protections I don’t want to buy health insurance from a state with less.  New York state is one of the few that a patient cannot be denied coverage for medical reasons.  Some people actually move to New York state after being denied coverage in other states.  I don’t think Affordable Care Act is perfect as it still puts too much power in the hands of health insurance companies and we still have no single payer public option.  But at least now a person who has survived cancer or is born with some type of genetic problem is able to get health insurance.    And a perfectly healthy 23-year-old would be able to buy a plan on their own.  My personal experience has shaped how I view the health insurance fiasco in this country more than any political rant or speech ever could.  I am lucky in that I didn’t get anything serious in those years I went without coverage.   And if I had, I would have ended up in the emergency room with bills that were never paid and probably ended up on Medicaid which would cost everyone that much more.

If you don’t believe my story, then sit down and talk to some of your friends, especially anyone with chronic medical conditions, small business owners or the self-employed.  You are likely to hear similar stories of denied coverage, frustrations over claims, skyrocketing premiums and financial ruin.  I have heard stories much worse than my own with some blaming health insurance companies for the premature death of family members.  After all putting a profit motive into denying coverage can have deadly consequences.  Hopefully we will figure this mess out soon enough, I know I never want to end up without any options again.

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Why I Outed my Husband using Social Media, and why I would do it again! (I Didn’t Out my Husband)

Date: June 27, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Divorce, Gay Husband, Straight Spouse
Comments: 23 Replies
Truth lies

Truth lies (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I am writing this gem because I can tell what people type into a search engine to find this blog.  Today someone wrote the following.

Juliet Jeske – Why it was wrong of you to out your husband on Facebook

I could reply simply with….

Why it is wrong for gay men to marry straight women under false pretenses

It’s difficult to even know where to start with this.  It is true that in most circumstances a person’s sexual orientation is their own business.  I have no right to publicly declare the sexual orientation of a co-worker , neighbor, a relative, a friend or casual acquaintance.  Whatever they do in their personal life is of no concern for me, unless of course they are actively working against LGTB rights.   In nearly all circumstances, it’s just not my place to share such intimate information about another human being.

A marriage is something entirely different.  My marriage did not exist without me.  It was a shared experience between my ex and myself.  Does his right to privacy trump my own right to be honest about my life?  The only way I could have avoided “outing” my ex-husband was to create an elaborate lie.   I was robbed of an authentic union with an honest partner, I don’t know why I was supposed to create a false reality to further protect him.   I was paranoid that he would entrap another unsuspecting woman into a sham marriage, and I was not going to let that happen.

When we announced we were separating I was hit with overwhelming criticism for breaking up a “perfect” marriage.  I could continue the lies, and enable my ex-husband’s denial, or I could force him to deal with the reality that he had brought on himself.  If he was going to destroy our marriage and make my life a living hell, he was going to have to take responsibility for his actions.  He also desperately need to truly embrace his sexual identity.  A life in “the closet” is a life unfulfilled.

Most of my critics don’t know all the details of my marriage.  They don’t know that he was in the room when I said,

“You’re out and proud now, so I’m going to put this on Facebook.  Are you OK with that?”

He agreed, so I posted the status update that changed both of our lives forever.

My husband and I are getting a divorce.  I’ve just discovered that he is gay.  He is now living openly as a gay man.  I did not know this when I married him.  We are not getting back together.

To anyone who should judge me, I would urge them to see my perspective.  Try telling everyone you know that you married a gay man, not all at once but one at a time.  Imagine having that conversation 50-60 times.  Think of running into people six months, seven months, a year or two after you have left your husband and have them ask “How are you two doing?” and then have to re-live the entire saga again.  By doing it all at once, and so publicly, I helped both my ex and myself deal with our new reality.  I’ve never seen any shame in being gay.  I knew it would not hurt him professionally, and that New York City was one of the most open cities for LGTB people.  I also knew that his brother had been living as an openly gay man for over 20 years and was accepted by his family.   My ex and I had no children to consider, so it seemed like an easy solution for both of us.  We were both exhausted from the emotional turmoil disclosing this information was taking on us.  The status update was like one big emotional band-aid to rip off.

What my critics also don’t understand is that I could have been much worse.  Most of the specific details are still not publicly known and will probably never be disclosed.  All I really declared was that our marriage was over, and he was openly living as a gay man.

There is a phrase used in the straight spouse community that goes along these lines.

“Our spouses come out of the closet and we go into one”

Many straight spouses, especially those with children, find themselves having to lie for months sometimes years after disclosure. The irony is that the spouse who was loyal and honest now has to keep secrets for their ex. They have to keep track of lies and live a paranoid existence to cover up false realities their gay spouses have perpetuated.

What did the straight spouse do to deserve such a punishment?  They mistakenly married a person who in most cases lied to them from day one.   Although mixed orientation marriages run a spectrum, many closeted spouses have problems with narcissism and self-centered behavior.  They think nothing of forcing someone to act the role of a human prop.  In most mixed orientation marriages rampant infidelity, lies and betrayal are part of the fabric of these unions.  Some closeted spouses don’t cheat.  A few are open with their partners about everything.  A few marriages even survive disclosure and some figure out a way to stay together.  Good outcomes though are rare.

My critics also don’t realize there is a stigma living as a straight spouse.  People wonder if there is something wrong with me for having married a gay man in the first place.  I have to live with judgment for something I had no control over.  Some have claimed the only person suffering in a mixed orientation is the closeted homosexual.  I wonder if those people have ever been married?  If they had, then they’d know that both parties suffer greatly when they realize their marriage is over, regardless of the circumstances.  I do know of a few examples of mixed orientation marriages that are thriving and strong, but in all of those cases both parties knew what they were getting into from the beginning.  Yet even in open and transparent marriages, many cannot handle the many challenges that come with it.

If I were to turn back the clock to three years ago, I would indeed change many poor decisions I made in moments of extreme duress, stress and depression.  I made countless mistakes, but I am never going regret telling the truth.   At least now there are no more secrets and lies, and my ex and I can both live honest and authentic lives.  I also know that sharing my story helps many other straight spouses.   Sometimes the truth hurts but I would rather live an honest flawed life than be in a phony “perfect” marriage.

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Adam Carolla – So women aren’t funny?

Date: June 18, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Comedy, Uncategorized, Women and Feminism
Comments: 39 Replies

According to Adam Carolla, he wouldn’t place a bet on women being funny.  I am going to quote from the following interview from the NYPost.

The lesson you learned from a sexual harassment seminar was “Don’t hire chicks.” Do you hate working with women?

No. But they make you hire a certain number of chicks, and they’re always the least funny on the writing staff. The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks. If my daughter has a mediocre sense of humor, I’m just gonna tell her, “Be a staff writer for a sitcom. Because they’ll have to hire you, they can’t really fire you, and you don’t have to produce that much. It’ll be awesome.”

The “are women funny” debate has grown very contentious. You’re not worried about reactions to this?

I don’t care. When you’re picking a basketball team, you’ll take the brother over the guy with the yarmulke. Why? Because you’re playing the odds. When it comes to comedy, of course there’s Sarah Silverman, Tina Fey, Kathy Griffin — super-funny chicks. But if you’re playing the odds? No.

If Joy Behar or Sherri Shepherd was a dude, they’d be off TV. They’re not funny enough for dudes. What if Roseanne Barr was a dude? Think we’d know who she was? Honestly.

Well he managed to not only be misogynistic but racist in just a few statements.  He also implies that it is easier for a woman to get a job writing for a sitcom, or that women somehow have it easier in comedy based on their gender.  My head spins on that particular premise.   What Carolla misses is that we don’t all share the same sense of humor.  Comedy is subjective, and for many female comedians their audience is not guys like Adam Carolla.

Carolla is just expressing his opinion and he has every right to do so, but he made a huge mistake in singling out Roseanne Barr.  Love her or hate her comedy, Rosanne Barr had a hit TV show  Roseanne that ran for nine seasons on network television and attracted millions of viewers. At its peak it was the #1 show on American television.  She has been one of the most successful comedians in American history, not just one of the most successful female comedians.  The only other equally successful sitcoms created by and featuring a comedian would be Seinfeld and Everybody Loves Raymond both also ran for nine seasons on network television and were widely popular.

Other successful women in television include.

Lucille Ball –  She revolutionized the television.  Her show “I Love Lucy” is so popular that it is still in syndication all over the world and is considered a cultural icon by many.

Carol Burnett – Creator of The Carol Burnett Show originally ran on CBS for 11 seasons a total of 278 episodes.

Tracey Ullman –  She has had several popular and award-winning shows both in the US and the UK.

Jennifer Saunders – Creator of the highly successful British series Absolutely Fabulous another female based comedy.   Absolutely Fabulous is still broadcast all over the world.

Ellen DeGeneres – Creator and host of a hit syndicated talk show since 2008.  Also had a popular sitcom “Ellen” that ran for four seasons on network television.

Women also go to movies, the most recent phenomena being “Bridesmaids” a film made up of mostly female comedians and comic actresses grossed $288 million.  Some other female based comedies(I made a mistake earlier and only included domestic grosses for these fims, the new numbers reflect total worldwide grosses) My source was boxofficemojo.com

  • My Big Fat Greek Wedding – $368 million
  • Sex in the City – $368 million
  • Runaway Bride – $309 million
  • My Best Friend’s Wedding – $299 million
  • Miss Congeniality – $212 million
  • Nine to Five – $103 million (1980)
  • Mean Girls – $129 million

Adam Carolla has had a very successful career and according to the Guinness Book of World records the most downloaded podcast in history.  Carolla’s best known work would be “The Man Show” a popular television show on basic cable.  I would agree that it might not make much sense to have a female writer for a show like “The Man Show” designed and made for a primarily male audience. “The Man Show” although popular on Comedy Central would never survive on network television its content too controversial and its audience too specific.

And as far as Carolla’s claims that women have it easier in comedy, the LA Times blog reports on a recent study done by the Center for the Study of Women in Television and Film at San Diego State University, in which they took a look at the top 100 grossing films last year and found that women only accounted for 33% of all characters on-screen, while women currently make up 51% of the world’s population.  Another study shows that although minorities buy plenty of movie tickets, they are also underrepresented on screen.

Yet despite this, Mr. Carolla somehow thinks women have it easier in the entertainment industry and are given jobs out of some sort of “politically correct” atmosphere, when the opposite is actually true.  But when women can find and connect with their core audience, they can surpass their male counterparts.   We all find different things funny, I didn’t laugh once when watching “The Man Show” but then again I wasn’t its intended audience.  Some of the most successful comedians have been women, yet this stereotype is perpetuated.  I don’t know how many more Lucille Ball types will have to exceed their male contemporaries until this debate finally ends.  Had Carolla bet against someone like Carol Burnett, Lucille Ball or Tracey Ullman he surely would have regretted his pick.  All I know is that I would rather watch “I Love Lucy” over “The Man Show” any day.

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Life After Divorce: The 12 Foot wall of Ice

Date: June 14, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating - NYC, Depression, Divorce, Gay Husband, Relationships, Straight Spouse, Uncategorized
Comments: 5 Replies
English: Wall of Ice taken in an ice bar in St...

English: Wall of Ice taken in an ice bar in Stockholm, Sweden (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I have said many times on this blog, when a person is over 35 and still single they tend to fall into certain general categories

  • Those who never want to settle down – some people really are more content being alone
  • Those who are too immature to have a decent relationship
  • Those who are career driven and do not make dating a priority
  • Those who are broken from a divorce, or major break up – I would put myself in this category.

Of course not everyone fits so nicely into one of those four groups, and some people really just haven’t met the right person and are over 35.

I probably shouldn’t write about this.  This blog is making my dating life hard enough, although I think I have given up on online dating completely now.  Too many men will ask me out only to not follow through, and the dates I have gone on have mostly been miserable.  I have met some nice men, who weren’t exactly compatible with me, but nice men nonetheless.  Overall I have found the process very demoralizing.  I feel reduced to a commodity.  Everything about me placed on a mental check list, and since I have some fairly odd things in my background they all amount to deal breakers.  Which is fine since I haven’t met anyone online yet that has really felt like a good fit.

I joked last night that I have no “game” when it comes to dating, and it’s true I have absolutely no game.  I’ve lost the ability to flirt successfully, volley back and forth, seal the deal, manage advances, let a guy know I am interested….etc. When I was in my twenties I could make every mistake and still find guys who were interested in me.  For most young women, the game of dating is all too easy.  But something else has changed fairly fundamentally since my divorce and subsequent rebound implosions.  My apologizes to any of the men I may have dated since my divorce who might read this, but pretty much all of my relationships have been disasters.   I don’t think any of my former lovers would read this blog, in fact I am pretty sure they don’t.  If any of them are reading this, I blame myself more than anything for those failed attempts.  I was a mess, a complete and utter disaster, and I shouldn’t have dated anyone.

The newest change I have noticed now is I am just so guarded.  I am almost like a horse who has been overworked, it takes very little to spook me and make me bolt.  A misplaced phrase, the hint of a red flag, too many comparisons to an ex, a man mentioning wanting to get re-married, it doesn’t take much…and I kick my legs up and run.  It is as if a numbness has taken over me.  A profound deadness that I can’t seem to shake.  I often feel reduced to the  sum of my many faults: gay ex-husband, clown ex-husband, weird job, low-income, crappy neighborhood, uncertain future,  losing the ability to reproduce, and general emotional damage.  When I go on dates with strangers I can see the troubled look in their eyes as hints of my past invade their own neuroses.  The minute I notice it, I just want to go home.  Thanks to google I can’t hide anything, so I figure it is best to come clean least they discover the skeletons in my closet online.

When I meet someone I actually like I self-sabotage, I make excuses, I avoid actually going out with them, I create obstacles that don’t exist.  Although I am not really happy being alone, it is at least something I can manage and control.  I can also focus on work, which is extremely necessary now as I don’t have a ton of income.   I live with an imaginary 12 foot wall of ice around me.  It really feels like that sometimes, I have had a few glimmers of hope that it might melt but then something happens and it freezes up again.

When I first left my husband it was like stumbling out of a cocoon, I had absolutely no defenses.  Every slight, every injustice, every cruel action was massively compounded in my head.  It all just cut right through me until I was a pile of ribbons on the floor.  So the ice went up, formed slowly over time.  I had no choice but to protect myself.  But ice is transparent, and I can see right through it.  There is hope on the other side, I just have no idea when I’ll be able to cut through it.  I am not kidding myself that a unique person will simply show up with a blow-torch and my life will go back to normal.  I think instead I am going to have to change myself, or at least my outlook.  And as I mend those broken pieces I also have to try to protect what is left of me.  All the while opening enough for someone new to get close to me.  It is not at all easy.

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Life After Divorce: The Kinship of Divorce

Date: June 9, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Divorce, Gay Husband, Relationships, Straight Spouse, Uncategorized
Comments: 4 Replies
LOL Just divorced. And no, that's not my car.

LOL Just divorced. And no, that’s not my car. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A few months ago I had to make yet another trip to my bank to sort out some lingering financial ties with my ex-husband.  I had no idea when I set up our mutual funds as joint accounts, that getting them cut in half once divorced would be next to impossible.  Splitting mutual funds or any investment containing stocks requires such an overwhelming amount of challenging paperwork it isn’t even worth explaining here.   This trip to the bank was my third attempt, and the mutual fund company had given me the wrong information, again.

Sitting across from me, in one of those cubicles for private banking transactions was a manager, a small woman with dark hair and olive skin, maybe about 10 years older than myself.  She was firmly explaining that I would have to re-do my paperwork and bring in my ex-husband with me before they would sign the necessary form to get our joint account split.  I kept explaining what the mutual fund had told me, yet she wouldn’t back down.  It went back and forth like this for at least 20 minutes slowly escalating as I got more and more worked up, until finally I said simply.

“Do you know how hard these things are?  Do you understand why I don’t want to deal with my ex-husband with this?  Have you ever been divorced?”

To which she replied simply.

“Yes, I have and it was awful”

My mood immediately changed and I said.

“I’m sorry”

She then went on to explain to me how her husband had ruined her, she had managed to get full custody but through a ridiculous loophole on his part got no child support.  She wouldn’t go into too many details but said simply.

“I don’t care, I have my daughters and that is all that matters to me, I live paycheck to paycheck I am not sure how I am going to make it but I am free and I don’t care about his money, I just wanted out”

And I started crying.

She whipped out a box of kleenex and told me

“Look, this mutual fund is only for $2,000 don’t make yourself crazy over $2,000.  I know you want to put it in your IRA but it isn’t a lot of money and it isn’t worth this.”

I shook my head.

“I know, I just want it to be over.  I was ruined too, I lost everything even my ability to pay my rent.  I have looked for work and there is nothing out there, so I just do whatever I can to keep from starving, I used to work with my ex.  He is doing great and I can’t even buy food”

Then we just sat there for a few minutes sharing different parts of our stories.  In the end we got up and hugged each other before I left, as she gave me more specific instructions on exactly what I needed to do the next time to get my investment split.

I have had many other experiences like this since my divorce.  Perfect strangers instantly become friends the minute they say.

“I am also divorced”

I know many friends who have tried to empathize with me, with a long-term split that was not a marriage.  I have written before about the differences between a long-term relationship with cohabitation ending and a divorce.  In most cases a divorce is more traumatic, as both parties entered into a marriage thinking it was a lifetime partnership.  The wedding, family members getting much more involved, lifetime expectations are all different in a marriage than just a relationship.  Divorce is just so hellish, so terrifying and so life-altering very few things compare in terms of trauma.

But one of the strange unexpected side-effects is what I have found is the kinship I feel immediately between fellow divorced people.  It is immediate, and it doesn’t seem to matter how long the marriage or the reasons for their divorce.  We both understand each other in a way that non-divorced people don’t quite get.  I felt it with the bank manager as soon as she said she was also divorced and that her divorce was a difficult and painful one.  We became instant friends, the argument disappeared and I had empathy for her and her daughters immediately.   I didn’t have this before, in fact I didn’t really understand divorce as it is rare in my extended family.   It is as if going through the fires of hell and then surviving it, we form an army of battered souls.  Our fairy tales didn’t have a happy ending, in fact for some of us the entire dream was just a farce, a lie, a fraud.   So we aren’t going to see the world in the same way again, we aren’t going to have that sunny outlook necessarily on romance or romantic partnerships.  But we enter into an odd kinship with others who have been in the same place.

I tell anyone newly divorced to seek out fellow divorced people, sit down with them and talk.  Talk about everything and anything and most of us will listen.  I had another friend, who recently had a bit of a breakdown.  She had entered into a relationship immediately after her divorce and seemed really happy.  I marveled as she was the only person I knew that once divorced didn’t seem to go through the stages of self-destructive behavior or rebound romances that so many of my other divorced friends went through.   I didn’t know how she managed it, but she seemed relatively unscathed.  But a couple of years after the fact she finally melted down.  She called it a “ticking time bomb” that little by little let out its poison.  She had not yet mourned for the marriage and hadn’t allowed herself to heal properly and as a result the new relationship ultimately fell apart.  I really felt for her, I thought somehow she had escaped the torment by being in a healthy relationship right after her divorce, but I was wrong.  The demons caught up with her, and it was a little heartbreaking to here her talk about it.

Divorce really is one of the worst things an adult can survive, but we do survive and move forward.  Most of us worked hard on our marriages and never thought it would happen to us, but it did and now we have to live with our shattered lives.  If nothing else my divorce has caused me to become far less judgmental of other people’s situations.  It has also given me the gift of empathy of a depth that I really didn’t have before.  Unfortunately I have developed a wall of ice about 12 feet thick around me that doesn’t seem to allow a new partner anywhere near me, but I am working on that.  When I first left my husband I had no such defenses and got hurt horribly, so I learned to put that wall up.  A few months ago it was probably 20 feet thick, so in time it will melt away.   At least I hope it will, but at least I have this strange unexplainable kinship with anyone out there who has been through a divorce.  We will get better, but it will take time.  Solidarity to anyone out there recently divorced, you are far from alone.

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Oh John Mayer…The Douche Bag doth protest too much

Date: June 7, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Relationships, Uncategorized, Women and Feminism
Comments: 1 Reply
English: John Mayer at the Mile High Music Fes...

English: John Mayer at the Mile High Music Festival (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

In a recent interview with Rolling Stone John Mayer revealed he was upset that his former flame Taylor Swift, wrote a song “Dear John” that is most likely about him.  He confessed he was “really humiliated” and “I’m pretty good at taking accountability now, and I never did anything to deserve that. It was a really lousy thing for her to do.”

1. Why now John, why now? – Their affair was at least three years ago, the song debuted in 2010.  Could it be that Taylor Swift has sort of eclipsed you?  She went from being a bit of a child prodigy to a superstar, winning multiple awards and having legions of fans.  When was the last John Mayer hit?  I don’t even know.  John just released an album, which is at the #1 spot, perhaps that has something to do with suddenly expressing his feelings TWO YEARS after the fact. Gotta push that product! What better way than to diss an old girlfriend!  A true class act.

2. John, this is what happens when you date a 19-year-old – Three years ago, John was 31 and Taylor was 19.   I am sure that Ms. Swift overwhelmed by his looks, charm and celebrity plunged into a relationship without realizing what she was getting into.  Even a 19-year-old with a successful recording career is not going to successfully navigate the manipulations of a 31-year-old man.   Teenagers are emotional, vulnerable, insecure creatures who need much more attention than more sedate women in their early thirties.  Teenagers do best with other teenagers.   If you want drama, date a teenager!

3. John, this is what happens when you date another artist –  John, are you shocked that a singer/songwriter might have actually written a song based on their life?  Are you seriously surprised by this?  You can’t expect every former lover to pen love ballads in your honor.  This comes with the territory.

4. John, this is what happens when you date other celebrities. – I know it is a habit for most celebrities to date other celebrities, but not all of them do it.  Hollywood has plenty of examples of an A-list star with a non-famous spouse, or a maybe a significant other who is less high-profile.  If you want to date someone like Jessica Simpson, Jennifer Aniston, Jennifer Love Hewitt…you will have those who speculate about your very public romances.  Get over it.

5. John, Pot Kettle Black – I think this is the part that is what really gets under my skin about this dude.  And yes, I am calling him a dude.  Let’s just quote him here shall we?  And I found it all in one amazing source which I will gladly give credit to right here at CoEdMagazine John Mayer’s 16 Douchiest Quotes So Far   And I like how the author titled it “so far” as we know unless he loses the ability to speak…he will say more douche bag quotes in the future.  Oh joy!  And this other nifty slide show, of 9 of his Douchiest Quotes right here on the Huffington Post.

On Jessica Simpson – “That girl, for me, is a drug. And drugs aren’t good for you if you do lots of them. Yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me.” – I guess he meant this as a compliment, but what woman likes being compared to a potent drug that destroys people’s lives?  Plus, crack is cheap.  If you are going to use the analogy of a drug, at least compare her to cocaine or heroin something a bit less gutter trash.  Everyone knows crack is whack.

Or this quote about Jennifer Anniston “I met a girl one time in Vegas. Her name was Dimples, and the ’s’ in Dimples was a dollar sign… I have this weird feeling, a pride thing, for the people I’ve had relationships with. I still feel like I’m with them, in the sense that if I f—ed Dimples, what does that say about someone like Jen? I feel like it’s all connected. How could I ever cosmically relate these two people?” – What the heck is that about?  So you only have relationships with Famous people and not with people with stupid names, NO MATTER HOW HOT THEY ARE!  You have standards John and we love you for it.

And then of course we have racist John…“My dick is sort of like a white supremacist. I’ve got a Benetton heart and a fuckin’ David Duke cock. I’m going to start dating separately from my dick.” – Wow what do you even say to that? David Duke Dick?  I mean really.

John Mayer reminds me of the guy we all knew in college who had pretty much slept with nearly everyone.  At first his conquests thought they were the lucky ones, he was good-looking, charming, seemed to have it together…until later…they didn’t even want to admit they knew him.  Sell your albums John, and shut up! Although I think all of this buzz may have helped to sell some for Ms. Swift. I didn’t even know this song existed until John Mayer started whining about it.

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Is Living a Life in The Closet a Victimless Crime?

Date: June 4, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Divorce, Gay Husband, Relationships, Straight Spouse, Uncategorized
Comments: 6 Replies
A wall closet in a residential house in the Un...

A wall closet in a residential house in the United States. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I recently wrote a piece on the John Travolta sex scandal.   What surprised me more than anything were the comments condemning me for having disdain for “The Closet“.   I am not shocked by any comment as  I get all sorts of negative comments, some vicious, some personal attacks and some that are just downright baffling.  It really takes all kinds in the comment section of a Huffington Post piece! 🙂  In most examples people just project their own agenda or perspective on to my articles no matter what I have written.  In some cases they even put words into my mouth, or proclaim that I am making blanket statements when I am not.

But the comments that really floored me were in defense of a life lived inside “The Closet”.   One commenter got so worked up he referred to me as a bigot.  According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary a bigot is the following

Bigot – a person who is obstinately or intolerantly devoted to his or her own opinions and prejudices; especially: one who regards or treats the members of a group (as a racial or ethnic group) with hatred and intolerance.

I guess he might be right to a point, as I don’t really like liars.  I don’t know if I would say I treat them with hatred and intolerance, but I think adults are accountable for their actions.  If someone wants to hide their sexual orientation, it’s their right, but the minute they mislead someone else to keep their secret – they tend to lose my sympathy.

My critic didn’t mention anything about gay men and women marrying straight partners under false pretenses.  He was more upset that I had dared to say I had disdain for “The Closet”.  He claimed since I was openly criticizing those who choose to live a secret life, I was adding yet another stigma for gay men and women.  It was difficult to wrap my brain around this logic.  For instance if a gay man is living as a straight man, he has to lie to pretty much everyone in his life to keep up the illusion.  I also not sure what kind of intimate relationships a closeted person could have, if they tell no one about their sexual orientation.

In my piece I never advocated for forcibly “outing” anyone.  I mainly stated repeatedly that it is a shame that anyone would have to live in that personal hell.   And by hiding their true nature, closeted homosexuals are hurting the gay rights movement at large, to quote the late gay rights advocate Harvey Milk

Gay brothers and sisters,… You must come out. Come out… to your parents… I know that it is hard and will hurt them but think about how they will hurt you in the voting booth! Come out to your relatives… come out to your friends… if indeed they are your friends. Come out to your neighbors… to your fellow workers… to the people who work where you eat and shop… come out only to the people you know, and who know you. Not to anyone else. But once and for all, break down the myths, destroy the lies and distortions. For your sake. For their sake. For the sake of the youngsters who are becoming scared by the votes from Dade to Eugene. – source wikiquote

If every homosexual were out and proud, the harassment and discrimination would lessen, because nearly everyone would discover they have a close friend, co-worker, neighbor even family member who is gay.   If every homosexual were out and proud it would be obvious to everyone in the straight community that there are gays and lesbians in every facet of our lives, every occupation, every race, every religion and every socioeconomic level.

Many compare the civil rights movement to the current struggle for gay rights.  The obvious difference being that a black man or woman cannot pretend they are white.  They cannot for a moment hide their skin color.   They cannot simply marry a white person and try to pass as Caucasian.  They can’t live a sham life and then decide to live as black on the weekends, or go to black bars under an assumed name.   They can’t log onto a black website and to try to find other blacks to hang out with and secretly be black when it is convenient for them.  So although the struggles for racial equality and sexual orientation equality are similar that difference is pretty fundamental.  In fact, if gays had no option of hiding, would their movement be further along by now?  It is difficult to say as there are so many other factors that contribute to homophobia, but most other oppressed groups do not have the same form of “Closet” in which to hide.

Of course “The Closet” is subjective.  A gay person could tell their close friends but not their co-workers.  Or they could tell most of their family but maybe not announce it to their 92-year-old grandmother.   Of course not all aspects of a person’s personal life have to be so public, but any intimate partner should not be misled.

There are also examples of people who simply live their lives blatant and in the open but without ever really coming out and announcing their sexual orientation.  I can think of any number of celebrities that have lived with a same-sex partner, never declaring their orientation but never using a straight person as a cover.  It is as if they are in the closet but with the door open, everyone pretty much knows they are gay but they don’t make an issue out of it.  I know this frustrates some in the gay movement, as they want as many public figures as possible “out and proud”.  I understand their frustration, but for me as long as a gay person isn’t using someone to hide their orientation, I don’t see the problem.   In fact by living a quiet and tranquil life they are reinforcing the idea that being gay is simply another way of being human, and that gay relationships are sometimes just as boring and mundane as straight ones.

If you are gay, and you feel like there is no way to be honest with your family and friends, you truly have my sympathy.  But you might be surprised, as they may not react as negatively as you think.  Public attitudes towards homosexuality have gotten much more positive in recent years, and the trend is towards total acceptance for the entire GLTBQ community.  Hopefully with time, same-sex marriage will be legal in all 50 states, and anti-gay discrimination laws will be universal.   Regardless, if you are gay and feel the need to hide, please don’t fraudulently get another person wrapped up into your life.   Some mixed orientation marriages are happy and healthy, but almost always when they are based on honesty and open communication.

In an ideal world, anyone’s sexual orientation could remain private without controversy.  A child could openly talk about their two mommies at school and no one would think to call the principal in protest.  Two men could live in a quiet suburb and raise an adopted child without causing anyone concern.  A young gay teen could proudly take a same-sex partner to a dance without it making the local news.

I am not gay, but my life was nearly ruined by “The Closet”.  Damaged from my experience I will probably carry those scars for the rest of my life.   So anyone advocating for a life hidden safely inside a lie, I would say this.  A life in “The Closet” yeilds unintended consequences.  And if some gays remain in hiding, who is going to stand up to the bullying, the harassment, the discrimination and hate?  A life lived in fear and shame is no way to live.   If gay men and women want true equality, they can start by first burning that closet door down forever and never hiding again.  And doesn’t everyone want an intimate partner they can have a larger part of their family and social group?  Anyone living in “The Closet” can’t fully express their love for a same sex partner, in the same way that heterosexual could, and that’s tragic.

As a straight spouse I choose to not hide my past, in fact it is all over the internet.  Anyone can find my story and ridicule me for it, or maybe not ask me out on a second date because they just can’t handle it,or send me crazy angry emails.  By making my story so public,  I get some grief, but I would rather live my live in truth than try to hide my past in shame.

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