Truth lies (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
I am writing this gem because I can tell what people type into a search engine to find this blog. Today someone wrote the following.
Juliet Jeske Why it was wrong of you to out your husband on Facebook
Oh how I wish I knew who wrote that phrase. For starters I would answer
Why it is wrong for gay men to marry straight women under false pretenses
It is after all a marriage. And what is a marriage? A lifelong contract in which both parties do their best to keep the union together. In my case, my ex-husband lied to me before the marriage. Most of my critics don’t know all the details of my marriage and the evidence that indicated that my ex-husband’s sexual orientation, and they will never know these specific details. In fact they have no idea that I still hold on to fairly incriminating evidence that would be extremely embarrassing for me to post on the internet. I could put things on this blog. I could write in graphic detail things that I am sure my ex-husband would not want published. I could include names of individuals that might try to sue me, but honestly they wouldn’t have much to stand on depending how I worded my accounts. But I am not going to do any of that, I am not out to destroy him. I am only out for truth and transparency. He needed to deal with the consequences of his lies and he needed to face his true self.
There is a phrase used in the straight spouse community that goes along these lines.
“Our spouses come out of the closet and we go into one”
For many straight spouses, especially those with children, they find themselves having to lie for months sometimes years before the truth can come out. So you have a spouse who has been loyal and supportive of their partner who now has to watch what they say, keep track of lies and live a paranoid existence to cover up secrets and lies their gay spouses have perpetuated. It might be a difficult thing to imagine such an injustice, but it is reality for most straight spouses. What did the straight spouse do to deserve such a punishment? They mistakenly married a person who in most cases lied to them from day one. Most gay men and women who marry straight spouses are highly self-centered and narcissistic. They think nothing of forcing someone to act in the role as their human prop. In most cases rampant infidelity has gone on for years, including exposing the straight spouse to sexually transmitted diseases including HIV.
So when the straight spouse finds out the truth are they now supposed to delicately and tactfully keep this secret that has destroyed their marriage and deeply damaged them for the sake of their deceptive gay spouse?
I have no shame whatsoever in outing my ex as publicly as I did and would do it all over again. When we announced we were separating I was hit with so much overwhelming criticism for breaking up a “perfect” marriage. I could continue the lies, and enable my ex-husband’s denial of his true sexual orientation, or I could force him to deal with the reality that he had brought on himself. If he was going to destroy our marriage and make my life a living hell he was going to have to take responsibility for his actions and truly embrace his sexual identity.
I also told my ex I was going to do announce his true sexual orientation on facebook before I did it. He claimed he was now accepting his life as a gay man, and had no problem with me doing so. He has since even written a one-man show called “A Clown in the Closet“. He has no shame in being gay, and does not hide his sexual orientation in any way shape or form. And to anyone who should judge me I would also say the following. Try telling everyone you know that you married a gay man, not all at once but one at a time. Try having that conversation 50-60 times. Try running into people six months, seven months, a year or two after you have left your husband and have them ask “How are you two doing?” and then have to re-live the entire hell again. By doing it all at once, and so publicly I helped my ex rip that band-aid off as quickly as possible. Instead of having to sludge through every single relationship in his life and explain in detail this horrible mess, half of them knew it all at once. It was a huge relief for me to do it in this manner and I see nothing wrong with it. If we had children, for the sake of their privacy I probably wouldn’t have done it in such a way, but we didn’t have kids so the only people really effected by my choice were me and my ex. And since he had given me the green light I went for it.
Also trying living with the stigma of being a straight spouse. People judge me and wonder if there is something wrong with me for having married a gay man in the first place. I have to live with judgment for something I had no control over, and every straight spouse also shares this burden. To act as if the only person suffering in a mixed orientation marriage, is the gay spouse “coming out” is a farce. I do know of a few examples of mixed orientation marriages that are thriving and strong, but in all of those cases both parties knew what they were getting into before they got married. With a few exceptions is not the orientation that destroys the marriages, it’s the deception, betrayal and lies.
My ex has not received any threats of violence, or harassment from my decision, and his career exploded soon after our split. If anything his life has greatly improved since he embraced his true self. If my facebook status update damaged his relationship with family or friends I do not know. He needed to take responsibility for the havoc he caused my life and his own. Had he been honest with me from day one and himself he never would have gotten himself into that mess. He might have instead been living in a loving and supportive relationship with a man, and been much happier. No one should take any pride of a life lived inside “the closet”, a life of lying to family, friends and lovers, a life lived in shame. As I have written on this very blog before, if I could I would burn down the closet door for good. One day we will live in a society where being gay is as normal and ordinary as being straight. But we are never going to get there if gay men and women are in hiding.
And if I were to turn back the clock to three years ago, I would indeed change many poor decisions I made in my many moments of extreme duress, stress and depression. But I am never going regret telling the truth in a public manner. At least now there are no more secrets and lies and my ex can live a full and happy life as an honest and proud gay man.
Bravo! Good for you. It seems like you did all the appropriate things before revealing this information to the public, so I’m not sure why people have such a problem with you openly discussing this. It’s not like you have ripped him a new one. You’ve written about this in a very honest and direct, yet compassionate way. Don’t let the haters fluster you too much. Keep on keeping on. xoxo
What is funny is that most of them have no idea what I COULD have posted. Honestly…they really have no clue…and it would have been perfectly legal for me to do it. Most of his “team” including many that used to hire me have deserted me anyway, so I could have gone to a much darker place than I did.
Yeah, you kept it classy. People just like to have an opinion on everything (like us, ha!), but the only difference if we provide a reason for our opinions. Most other people are just trolls. Trying to stir up drama.
Juliet, this is another deep;y honest and moving post. You know, though, that at some point the healthiest thing for you will be to let this all go. I doubt the time for you to do this is right now, but the time will come and I’m sure it will feel liberating. I hope you reach the point where you can look back with healthy distance and point toward the future, embracing all the wonderful qualities that you are so fortunate to have. All the best and take care.
Great post. I cannot imagine what you had to go through. There are still a lot of people who are living this farce that certainly did not choose to do so. In the end it sounded a bit like you did him a favour. Was that your intention in any way?
I was in fact trying to help him, I pity him more than anything else. A life lived inside the closet is no life.
The real question is – when will you finally move on? It seems your whole life is focused on this one event. How many years has it been?
Three but I am writing a book about it do that might answer your question. Don’t know if you have ever written a book but it is a rather all consuming process. I also consider myself a straight spouse advocate other than Fran Dresher we don’t have much of a voice yet there are millions of us. I also write about plenty of other things but these are the posts that are read the most, other than the Adam Carolla piece. So my readers obviously like these pieces because they are the most popular my political posts are largely ignored.
I did in fact want to help him. Life int the closet is no real life
And now to even prove my point that much more…I posted something that was non-divorce related, non-dating in New York related and…it has a fraction of the readers that my usual posts get. So I could write to please you, one reader who doesn’t even have a blog herself and comes across as a fairly judgmental person. For all I know you are one of my many MALE critics that have actually harassed me online in various forms including this blog. That’s right although I make very little money I get harassed by angry males in my inbox, facebook, this blog, twitter and even dating websites. It comes with the territory I guess but it is really annoying and pointless. Some of these men have used aliases before, I have no way of knowing if you are one of them. Or if you are a friend of my ex-husbands when I googled your email address absolutely nothing came up, which is extremely rare. Most people have links associated with their addresses.
Or I could give the people what they want which is…articles about divorce and dating in New York. I think I am going to continue writing what people actually read, and not try to placate every single critic I have out there.
Reblogged this on ClosetedStr8Spouse.
I announced on facebook that we were splitting up, but I didn’t say why. I said that the people closest to me have known for a while and know why – others would just have to trust that we know what we’re up to. The reason I posted – like you, I don’t want to have to explain my life to those casual acquaintances we connect with on facebook – co-workers past and present, old friends from school, distant cousins, etc. Let the rumor go around now that husband and I are breaking up. So sad, yes, tragic, they seemed like they were in it for the long haul.. No one will question me now. (Actually, one twice-divorced high school acquaintance immediately posted that we should not do anything rash..)
As you said, he came out.. to me and his parents and a few others on a “need to know” basis, but he pushed us all into the closet at the same time. Fear of homophobia in his workplace and his community means that at the moment he can’t just be who he is. I don’t really mind so much (at this particular moment) so I won’t out him. OTOH, my sudden vehement opinions about the Boy Scouts or Chik-fil-A might have some people wondering what *I* am up to!
Kudos to you……BIG time, been there, and I can honestly tell you the pain lessens HOWEVER never to be forgotten!!!! It will be with you ALWAYS, and in some way (other relationships) will effect every male/female relationship you ever get into. You will always be looking for the signs you obviously “missesd” the 1st time around. Trust me it wasn’t you, it’s just because they are such good liars. I will tell you something that a very wise woman told me during one of my darkest moments though this, and it was……..My name, you’ll only ever know a person as much as they want you to know them………..Truer wors may never have been spoken!!!! Here’s wishing you the best, and please know you are NOT alone.