Cover of "He's Just Not That Into You: Th...

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After I left my marriage emotionally scarred and damaged, I have discovered that I am the world’s worst dater.  No really…I am the world’s worst dater.  I am terrible at it.  I talk too much, reveal too much, ramble on and on…and I think I come across as a neurotic idiot.  No, make that a desperate neurotic idiot.  If I am not into a guy I get bored and can’t really hide it, I stop asking him questions and just blather on about any nonsense.  Somehow my brain tells me if I just keep going then maybe something will click, when instead I should just make up an excuse and get out of the situation.  If a man is rude or insulting to me, I don’t think to just get up and leave, even though there were many times when I should have done just that.  And on those rare occasions someone sparks my interest, all I can think of is

“Please like me…please don’t think I am a weirdo…please don’t run away”

And call me crazy, but I think my inner monologue might be projecting…because so far the ones I seem to fancy…run away.

In my never-ending search for dating advice I turn to self-help books.  Books have always been my go-to when I need information about anything.  I own a couple hundred books on various subjects and have an entire shelf dedicated to the subject of “DATING”

One best-selling tome promotes a simple premise “He’s Just Not that Into You” by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo.  From what I know of the back story, a male comedian and writer came up with the premise for an episode of “Sex in the City“.  The episode was so popular that the concept transformed into a book and then a movie.  Millions in sales later it remains as a classic for women to turn to when we get so damn confused by men.

The wisdom contained in the book is simple

  • Men really aren’t that complicated
  • If a man wants you, he will stop at nothing to get you.
  • Don’t chase a man, or pursue them
  • Don’t waste the pretty if a man is treating you badly don’t put up with it.
  • If a man doesn’t want to commit, cut him off, don’t look back
  • There are quality men out there, but it may take a while to find one.

All of this is great advice and will help any woman to stop obsessing about every little move a man makes.  It also helps women to stop giving inconsiderate men second and third chances.

This is all great medicine, but like any medicine it comes with some side effects.  For instance, I have desperately tried to live by its ideals but I rarely go on second or third dates…I am starting to believe that “No one will ever be into you”  I have had to deal with…

  • Men I barely know try to booty call me even though I gave them no indication that I would be game for that
  • Ignored text messages, emails and phone calls
  • I have sent invites to my shows – only to have them ignored
  • Dated men that rarely if ever gave me a compliment
  • Been blown off completely – countless times
  • One man decided an ex-girlfriend was more important to follow on twitter than I was, even though he was emailing me every day…for months.

So when I apply the “He’s just not that into you” philosophy it leads me to the conclusion

  • There is something wrong with me
  • Who marries a gay clown? – A freak does
  • I repel men
  • I am a total weirdo and no one wants to stick around
  • I am a liability or an emotional wreck
  • They saw your blog, videos or stand-up and have decided your are not dating material

These are irrational fears that swirl about in my head, completely untrue but persistent nonetheless.  The more I seem to stick my neck out in the dating pool of sharks, the more I seem to get bitten.  I have honestly given up trying to figure this out, and I think I am finally done with online dating.  We are after all commodities on any dating site, and any potential suitor might think they can always find a shinier less damaged version out there.  I have had friends find the loves of their lives on online dating websites but whatever reason most of my dates end in tears.  If not immediately afterward I usually end up crying days later when I realize I am not going to hear from the guy.  Either I walk away somewhat disgusted or discouraged by the men that I meet or become crushed when I thought there was a connection and then I never hear from the guy again.  I have met some lovely men who were nice but I didn’t have any chemistry with or felt were more compatible as friends, but then that happens to everyone now doesn’t it.

I think I am going to throw the books away, get off the dating sites and hope that the universe releases me from this undeserved penance.  In a fit of self-protection I can feel a thick emotional callous forming around my heart and I don’t like it.


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7 comments on “Dating After Divorce: He’s Just Not that into You…no really he is just not that into you.

  1. tom dolak

    i liked this post, thanks.

    try some David Richo before you quit though: “How to be an Adult in Relationships.” it’s good.

  2. Marianne Lelieveld

    Great post! I had the same dating thing going on, Juliet. Because I’m so broken I’m a magnet for the wrong guys, so I’ve taken a healing sabbatical.

    Being married to a closeted gay man is confusing. I finally learnt that I needed to look well beyond the face value of the gayness. For years I’d been lied to, controlled, manipulated and held in place in a unworthy relationship. The fact of the matter was that I’d been in a pathological relationship with a emotionally unavailable narcissist. I turned to Sandra L. Brown’s for information and advice. And I highly recommend this book of hers:

  3. stilllearning2b

    I was so afraid to enter the dating scene. My ex was not gay, but he turned out to be a thieving bigamist (I was with this man since we were teenagers). I started dating fairly soon and I was certainly broken beyond hiding at the time. However, I was able to go into the encounters with no expectations other than learning something from each date. It took me out of the realm of “good” or bad,” it took the focus off of me and my “performance,” and it meant that I always came away with a little more knowledge and understanding than I had before. I learned about men, relationships, myself, and countless hobbies and interests. All of those lessons serve me well regardless of if he was into to me or not. Good luck!

  4. Blaria

    I like this post, J. Dating is definitely hard and I hate it. I’m lucky to have ended up with my current boyfriend. Someone will come around soon who will be great for you. In the meantime, be patient, which is hard to do. And take all pressure off any future dates. Instead of worrying if he will like you, worry about you liking him & just have as much fun as you can. 🙂

  5. Megan

    Here’s my experience:

    I supplemented my social life with on-line dating for several years to no avail. There were times when I thought something was wrong with me because of the men that I continued to run into–little to no education/ morals, had kids, and just a bunch of other characteristics that I find undesirable in a mate. To make a long story short, I decided to get offline for the purposes of dating before August 20 of this year regardless of who I met or didn’t meet. Around August 10, quality men seemed to be falling out of the sky. We would have a conversation and/or go out and I’d discover glaring character/personality flaws. For example, the last guy from on line was passive aggressive–angerous type of mate or even friend to have. I am convinced that the men falling out of the sky thing was Satan trying to keep me away from God’s plan for me by distracting me with men who were seemingly desirable mates. I stuck with my plan to end all of my online subscriptions by 8/20, and in that time, I have met several guys, two of which are quality men with no glaring personality disorders. The one that I am fairly interested in, I met at my gym, and we are going out next weekend. It’s an amazing feeling to actually be pursued by a physically fit and tall guy with no kids, degreed, gainfully employed, and who seems to have taken a genuine interest in me.

    My point is that while on-line dating works for some, it doesn’t work for everyone…perhaps you should go ahead with your plan to get offline and go out and and meet guys. And that thick emotional callous that you spoke of started to form around my heart too. However, I can honestly say that my whole outlook on dating has changed just in the brief time that i removed my self from online dating sites.

    Whatever you decide, I hope it brings you happiness!

  6. Anders

    The coldest hour on a winters night is just before dawn. One of the things, that being single for an extended period of time, and at a time when we feel hurt or betrayed and in need of comfort, does teach us is to value and hold the one that we eventually find.

    From the list of negative thoughts revolving the bullet line

    “ They saw your blog, videos or stand-up and have decided your are not dating material”

    Is really just a permutation of the “I am a total weirdo and no one wants to stick around” Because the sinister thought behind this line of reasoning is that there is a way to be right and a way to be wrong. I’m pretty sure I have said this before but I will say it again, if they can’t take your blog they can’t deal with you. So good riddens of them. Enjoy the single life, soon enough you will have to put up with someone that snores, picks his nose, farts loudly and doesn’t listen to a word you say because that’s what all men do, so there.

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