Monthly Archives: June 2013

Life After Divorce: The Fairy Tale is Dead! Long Live the Fairy Tale!!!!

Picture of the castle of Sleeping Beauty in Th...

Picture of the castle of Sleeping Beauty in The Efteling, the Netherlands (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The fairy tales we tell little girls and boys all seem to end with a wedding.  Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White never have to give up anything to keep their prince.   Somehow we are lead to believe that the sanctimonious wedding ceremony seals us for life and if our love is strong enough, everything will work out in the end.  The stories are of course, bullshit.

My fairy tale ended up being a fraud – based on lies and rotten to its core.  Now that I am on the other side of the rainbow, I now realize how much of myself I lost for the sake of that partnership.  Never again.  I urge anyone who has been in my situation to write a list of things that you REFUSE to give up for the sake of another.

  • I get onstage with a microphone – at times I tell a heightened exaggerated version of my life for laughs
  • I am not going to lose or gain weight for anyone – this is how I am – if I want to lose or gain weight it’s my business
  • I am not getting plastic surgery to please anyone – again this is how I am if you don’t like it, find someone else
  • I am opinionated and speak freely – we may not always agree
  • I am blonde, not short, not small and I do not speak softly
  • I tend to make people laugh without trying – I don’t need to be the center of attention but I am not a wallflower
  • I have a lot of followers on twitter, Facebook and this blog
  • I write a blog – sometimes it’s about my life
  • I have two cats and love them like children – I make no apologizes for this
  • I have an unconventional job, odd hours, inconsistent income but I will NEVER rely on you or anyone to pay my bills
  • I live in a crappy neighborhood – hopefully this one will change – I’m working on it.
  • I have a large dysfunctional family – they are very important to me
  • I have eccentric, artistic friends – gay, queer, transgender, polyamorous, and everything in between.  Some get nearly naked onstage for fun
  • I am a talkative person
  • I don’t get drunk often, I am not into drugs
  • I play the accordion and ukulele
  • I read a LOT of books – I’m nerdy and smart and dreadful at all sports
  • I am intense and passionate and have a bit of a temper – I try to control it – Usually comes out onstage
  • I absolutely have to have a creative outlet or I cease to function – sewing costumes, baking, writing, singing, playing instruments getting onstage…etc.
  • I will openly admit I am flawed and often make mistakes
  • I can be forced to watch a sporting event…but the only sport I really understand is baseball
  • I am straight forward and direct – almost too blunt but I have no idea how to manipulate or play games
  • I don’t eat meat and I probably won’t eat it any time soon but I don’t care if you do.
  • I prefer monogamy – I don’t judge other lifestyles but I know what works for me.  I am also very realistic about this subject no one is perfect.
  • I don’t cheat – I just don’t have it in me
  • I am politically left of center and insanely pro-union
  • I adore children – I have no idea if I will get to have any but they are simply amazing
  • Nothing pisses me off more than an unanswered text message
  • Once I commit to another human being I am fiercely loyal

None of these things are negotiable…I refuse to get swept up again into the false reality that a marriage or relationship will save me.  In my new fairy tale, the only person I rely on is myself.  If I end up with a loving partner, great but I will not sacrifice who I am to make that happen.  Write your own list, and don’t look back.  🙂

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Dating in NYC: Sorry stranger, I’m Not Meeting you for Breakfast

Egg Sandwich 5of7

Egg Sandwich 5of7 (Photo credit: Food Thinkers)

I have only been single for four years in New York but it seems like forty.  So far in my dating escapades I’ve been stood up, watched as my dates have had meltdowns, broken out into tears, ramble on about an ex, tell me they want to date one of my friends, insult me to my face and expect sex immediately.  I have had a few wonderful dates – only to never hear from the guys again for reasons I will never understand.  What can I say?  It’s been fun.

Lately the trend is a man who I have written about before on this blog – The Coward.  A coward will ask me out only to never actually make the date happen.  It run into cowards more often than actual dates now.  I would say for every date I actually go on, I get about 8-10 men who ask me out, but never follow through.  I tell them when I am free and the claim they are busy.  This goes back and forth a few times until I give up.  The newest ploy  is an invitation to a mid-week breakfast date.  I have gotten such an offer a few times, yet I have never taken such enticing bait.  A typical proposal goes like this,

Well I would love to see you but things are really bad at work for the next couple of weeks.  You seem awesome though, and I really love your pictures.  Do you really play the ukulele?  How about we meet for breakfast sometime next week.   That’s the best I can do.

Even if I had a normal 9-5 job.  It’s not as if New York City is a calm and tranquil place in the morning, and virtually no one has an easy commute.  So what would I have to do?  Get up at 5AM, get ready by 6AM to meet you some place at 7AM so I can rush get a cup of coffee and make it to my place of business by 8:00?  For that to work we would need to work pretty much in the same neighborhood, which is unlikely in a city with five boroughs and 8 million people.

Lets say I don’t have a 9-5 job.  So I am still going to have to get up at 5AM get ready.  Get on a crowded train to meet you near your workplace, where we fight to get a table, then rush to get a plate of eggs.  You go to work, and I go home.  Wow that sounds like fun!  I really don’t get enough time on a rush hour train from Brooklyn to Manhattan.

Or maybe you work in Brooklyn, but in an area that is going to cause me to take the Q train into Manhattan then transfer to an L to then walk several blocks in Williamsburg to meet you for that same plate of eggs and make the trek home.

I seriously want to ask these men.  Has anyone ever done this before?  Has it ever occurred to you why most dates are in the evening and on the weekends?  Do you think your God’s gift to women that I will crawl on hot coals to share a brief time in your presence only to have you decide I live too far away, have a weird job, and I am just not worth the effort.  And lets not get BRUNCH confused with BREAKFAST.  You didn’t ask me for a leisurely weekend morning activity in the East village filled with Mimosas, Bloody Marys and vanilla bean french toast.  Brunch is a morning after a drunken night New York tradition!   You asked me to breakfast – a meal many restaurants don’t even serve because why should they?  No one but tourists goes out for breakfast, unless it is a local place in a residential area of the city, and there is a 90% chance you don’t work on an area with cute little bistros on every corner.  Maybe by breakfast you meant a latte in an impossibly packed Starbucks in midtown, the neighborhood where every Starbucks is ALWAYS IMPOSSIBLY PACKED!

The weekday breakfast date is telling me one thing – I am not worth the effort.  I get it, as we are just strangers and the likelihood that this is going to be some match made in heaven is slim.  So I understand not wanting to jeopardize your job for the sake of a bad date.  Something tells me though you are still finding time to go out drinking with your buddies, and occasionally hooking up with random women.  You keep an OKCupid profile up more to tell yourself that deep down you really are looking for something with more substance.  I get it.  But you are probably going to end up liking one of the random women you hook up with, and you obviously couldn’t care less about some online blonde.  So instead of insulting me with a “breakfast date” just get off of the site and stop wasting my time.  Breakfast is normally the awkward meal you might feel obligated to have AFTER a date, not before!

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Rape Jokes: The Freedom of Expression goes both ways

English: A Sennheiser Microphone

English: A Sennheiser Microphone (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

If you are not a comedian, you may not have heard about a debate swirling like a tsunami of controversy all over the internet.  Is it ever OK to tell a rape joke?  Is it acceptable if the subject of the joke is the rape victim?

This whole thing started about a year ago at Laugh Factory during a set by Daniel Tosh.  A heckler responded to several rape jokes in a row by shouting at that stage, “Actually, rape jokes are never funny.”

Tosh snapped back with, “Wouldn’t it be funny if that girl got gang raped by like, five guys right now? Like right now?  Wouldn’t it be funny if a bunch of guys just raped her?.”

One thing every comedian should remember: nowadays most of the audience have some type of recording device in their hands and can share any joke or interaction with the world.  Comedy sets intended only for a small live audience can now go viral. This is not going to change anytime soon.  I am not a fan of things being taken out of context, or sets being uploaded to youtube without a comedian’s permission, but that is the world we live in.  In this case, Tosh’s interaction spread to the internet.  He eventually apologized saying his words were taken out of context.  Lindy West at Jezebel.com wrote the following article regarding the incident, How to Make a Rape Joke

To directly quote West:

In case this isn’t perfectly clear yet: You can say whatever you want.  You can say whatever you want. You can say whatever you want. You can say whatever you want.  You can say whatever you want.

In fact several times in her article she writes to the effect of, “You (comedians) can say whatever you want.”

West also goes on to show 4 clips of comedians telling rape jokes she thinks actually work – in each case the victim is not the subject of the joke.

Then this May, West wrote the another article about the topic, An Open Letter to White Male Comedians,

Jokes” about rape and gendered violence are treated like an inevitability instead of a choice; like they’re beyond questioning; like they’re somehow equally sacred alongside women’s actual humanity and physical sanctity. When women complain,however civilly, they’re met with condescension, dismissal, and the tacit (or, often, explicit) message that this is not yours, you are not welcome here. It’s fucked up, you guys. And I’m saying that as a friend with the best intentions.”
 
“Please. You are not being silenced. There is no “thought police.” Your freedom of speech is firmly intact. You are a member of the single most powerful political bloc on earth. Your voices and your perspectives saturate nearly all media. You are fine. We are just having a conversation about your art, and your art is what you care about the most, right? Right?”

Recently West participated in a live debate with comedian Jim Norton about the subject of rape in comedy.  Here is the link: Totally Biased: Extended Talk with Jim Norton and Lindy West

West said a lot of things in the debate but never once called for censorship.  The reaction on the internet was the following.

  • She received threatening emails and tweets
  • Many attacked her personally including her weight and appearance
  • Many comments were sexually threatening

Here is a link to West actually reading some of the threats out loud.

If Comedy Has No Lady Problem, Why am I getting so many Rape Threats?

It all seems like a circular argument.  If comedians want freedom of expression, they have to remember it’s not just a one way street.  Audience members can complain, heckle, boo, walk out, or blog about a joke they found offensive.  Everyone has a right to their opinion.  It is not if holding a microphone makes anyone immune to criticism.  Anyone who works as a stand-up comedian knows an audience will shout out whatever they want during anyone’s set.  The behavior is rude, but it has been around as long as stand-up has existed.  If anything our current navel-gazing lifestyle of Facebook, twitter and blogs has made things worse.

The men threatening West with rape and other sexual violence are actually giving her fuel for her side of the argument.  It is difficult to claim that rape jokes are not endorsing rape, and then turn around and use rape language to physically threaten and intimidate another person.  For all their cries of censorship they are basically trying to silence their critic through bullying tactics and degrading language.  Speech does have power – powerful rhetoric has swayed entire nations to do all sorts of wonderful and horrible things.  Many have paid the ultimate price for exercising their right to free speech and speaking out against those who might harm them.

Comedians are just like anyone else with an opinion.  Politicians face repercussions when they say something that offends people, as do actors, musicians, authors, pundits, and anyone else who voices their opinion publicly.  Instead of trying to ridicule and intimidate the random critic, a comedian should instead listen to their audience.  If night after night they are getting groans, hecklers and boos after a joke – instead of patting themselves on the back and telling themselves they are an edgy genius.  Perhaps they should reconsider the joke.  After all a white comedian can walk into a black comedy club and do nothing but a set of racially charged material but they run the risk of getting booed off the stage.  Women also have every right to respond in kind to a joke they think is not funny or inappropriate.

If we want true free speech we have to take it all forms.  A comedian can make rape jokes, and a blogger can write a critique of those jokes.  A disagreement should not result in intimidation or physical threats.  If a person has to resort to commenting on someone’s appearance, or threatening their physical safety – they don’t know how to make a point, and they don’t know how to debate.  West was never threatening any comedian with physical assault, or rape.  She wasn’t even calling for censorship.  Even West’s opponent in the debate, Jim Norton, has condemned the threats towards West as disgusting.  If white male comedians wanted to prove that they aren’t misogynistic and immature they just accomplished the opposite.  Since I work in comedy I know that these men are the exception, not the rule, but their treatment of West, is making the everyone in comedy look bad.

For instance in my article about Adam Carolla: Adam Carolla So Women Aren’t Funny?. I never once made a nasty comment about him personally, and I certainly didn’t wish for him any physical harm.  I simply disagreed with his point of view, and tried to make my best argument using specific examples.  I don’t know him, he is probably a lovely human being and I assume he is an excellent father.  The debate was about ideas, not about tearing him apart.

If a comedian is really confident in their material they shouldn’t care about a random blogger.  Comedians are always going to have critics.  The best way to deal with our critics is to prove them wrong by getting laughs on stage.  So grab those microphones and go for it.  If you have rape jokes in your set, then make those rape jokes!  Just don’t freak out if someone in your audience or a blogger dares to criticize you for it.  Freedom of speech goes both ways – get used to it!

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Texas Justice: Open Season on Sex Workers

Apparently in Texas life is cheap, especially if you are Craig’s List escort. If you haven’t read about it yet, here are the facts. Ezkiel Gilbert shot Lenora Ivie Frago.  Gilbert openly admits that he shot Frago because she wouldn’t have sex with him, and he wanted his $150 back.  The injury initially left her paralyzed but she died nine months later.  According to him she wandered around his apartment for 20 minutes and left to give the money to her driver, who ended up being her pimp/boyfriend.  Of course we don’t have her side of the story.  The link to the article is here.

Texas Jury Says It’s Cool to Kill Prostitutes For Not Having Sex with You

Here a few scenarios of what might have happened.

  • She could have arrived fully expecting to have sex with Gilbert – he brandished a gun – she got scared and tried to flee.
  • She might have intended on ripping him off of the $150 and the whole thing was a scam
  • She may never have agreed to sex with him in the first place, he misunderstood the situation, threatened her and she fled.
  • She could have agreed to sexual relations with him, but he wanted to engage in sexual acts – risky behavior – sex without a condom, anal sex, bondage, urination, defecation, blood, etc.
  • Maybe she agreed to oral sex, or fondling and he expected intercourse.
  • It may have been her protocol to give her boyfriend/pimp the money before engaging in any sexual activity with a client.

In any event she didn’t deserve to die for her actions.

He claimed he didn’t mean to kill her – yet he shot her in the neck.  He also claimed he was just trying to get back his property – $150 for an illegal act.

There is so much wrong with this case.  Was her only option to consent to being raped to avoid being killed?  Can a prostitute refuse a client she thinks is dangerous, violent or expecting more than what was mutually agreed upon?   Does that woman still have some basic rights of safety?  Because the act was illegal, the victim had no legal recourse if Gilbert threatened her, beat, raped or refused to pay.  Gilbert knew and understood that basic fact. Even if it was a legally binding contract with boundaries written out in detail she backed out of the deal – he shouldn’t have been able to act as judge, jury and executioner.   Sex is not like every other commodity.  It not as if she was selling a motorcycle, took his money, and drove off.  If she feared for her safety or her life, it is reasonable that she might bolt.

The Texas law allows people to use force not just in self-defense, but also to protect their property.  Because this case involved an illegal transaction – Texas has just set a precedent.  Drug dealers should not have to face charges if they murder anyone as long as the murder involved property.  The mafia could have a field day in Texas and avoid most murder charges.  And what is to stop any number of bogus claims of late night robberies to justify cold-blooded murder?

All that being said, what is not spoken here is that the woman’s life had little value in the eyes of the state.  I can’t imagine the same outcome over a disagreement between two men and a nonsexual crime.  Many women in the sex trade enter into it out of desperation – some are undocumented, drug-addicted, or victims of violence.   The sex industry couldn’t possibly exist if it wasn’t for the marketplace of men willing to pay for sex.  The state of Texas may not agree with the idea of prostitution but it isn’t going to go away any time soon.  No woman should die for refusing to have sex with a man, not even a sex worker.

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