Someone recently said I should write a piece about the type of man that I wanted to date. At this point, I have honestly completely given up any specifics. Sure, I tend to like tall lanky men who look like they could use a sandwich or two, but honestly I am not that specific. I don’t date fellow comedians for obvious reasons and I would prefer someone close to my age. But when asked, without thinking I wrote simply, someone who follows through on a date and returns text messages. That’s it. Just show up and acknowledge my existence. That’s all I’m really asking for, but it seems next to impossible. I have had this problem with most of the guys I have attempted to date, even causally date. They repeatedly cancel on me at the last-minute but then won’t bother to reply to the least committal text messages.
I have a joke in my stand up that once men figured out they could rely on text messages – all phone conversations between men and women would cease forever. Which is sadly pretty much true. I don’t call anyone often besides family members. The telephone is just too personal and it takes too long. Texting is so much easier. The problem of course is that a lot is lost in non-verbal communication. Most of the times my sarcasm is misunderstood. Or when I am being serious people think I’m joking. Recently I sent something along the lines of “You should learn how to fellate yourself.” The man who received this message thought I was kidding. I did add that he should take some yoga classes, as well as a sword swallowing session or two to help him in that task. To be honest I was half joking. What I really meant is that I was not going to fellate him, and he could basically go fuck himself. He thought I was flirting, until I pointed out that it would be kind of gay for him to give himself oral sex. He might be sucking his own dick, but he would still be sucking dick.
The recipient can also not really understand tone. Most men tend to take me way too seriously in that I tend to write in a very blunt manner. They sometimes think I am upset, when I’m not. I once sent a “I’m disappointed” type of message to a man who thought I was basically screaming at him, when in reality I was calm and not even remotely angry. I was in fact, disappointed, not a raving lunatic.
Then there are the guys who don’t realize I am mad, no matter what I send them. It is almost as if I have to type profanity repeatedly in order to get my point across. A few fucks, motherfuckers, and are you fucking kidding me? Texting might be quicker, but the communication has certainly gotten worse. The abuse of the English language is at an all time high and some misspellings are so poor that I have no idea what the person was trying to say. Textspeak causes me to physically cringe, especially since now we have little keyboards on our phones and texting is much easier. My favorite subsitution was “KK” for “OK” I couldn’t help but think, it’s still two letters – have we gotten that lazy? Text language has gotten so bad, that I honestly think words could one day be replaced with symbols or actual photographs. We will simply get a photo of a penis, then a vagina, then a home followed by a question mark. We will move on to a form of sexting and hieroglyphics. When someone sends me a message like “U R Hot? Lol. Do U want 2 C me 2night?” I just want to scold them, not get it on.
I can’t help but think if I was someone they wanted more, they would at least return a simple “What’s up?” My new strategy is to send them nothing. I try as much as possible to avoid starting a text messaging thread. I just can’t handle the silence on the other end. Sure they might be working, or in a situation where they can’t answer a text, but in my mind I picture them looking at their phone, sighing and then debating if they should even answer me.
There are times I almost want to call a man when they send a text. Not to actually speak, but to scare the crap out of them. How could they claim they didn’t get my call when they just sent me a text message? They could say they aren’t in a good position to call me back, but most of the time they can’t think of a decent lie to get out of it. I just get voicemail, and then I delete them from my phone. 🙂
Of course I can’t help but wonder if they really wanted to see me would they call me? Would they answer text messages back quickly? Or is this all part of the disposable culture of constantly having new potential partners. Why bother with the woman who is blunt when i can find one that won’t challenge me. I don’t know, but I am waiting for my pictogram cock shot any day now.