Hello my name is

Hello my name is (Photo credit: maybeemily)

Dating profiles are little windows into a person’s psyche.  They say so much while saying so little at the same time.  I’ve tried nearly every service from eHarmony, match.com, OkCupid, chemistry to even Jdate.  I’m not Jewish but I live in New York City so I thought – why not?  So far nothing has worked.  I’m like a curious bystander staring at a crime scene or car accident, no matter how pathetic my online dating experiences have been, I just can’t tear myself away from the sites.  Pursuing profiles is like a huge sociology experiment.  If I have any advice on here to ANY MAN it would be this.


I would repeat that three times for emphasis but I like to keep my word count under 1000 on this blog.

One of the things I learned quickly in regards to emails on OKCupid – A guy’s name says so much.  I get email all day on those sites. If a guy has a crazy name, I know it isn’t even worth opening anything until the next day.  Sometimes a name can actually ruin everything, in one case a man emailed me with a name that was a creative spelling of spermbank, yet when I looked at his profile he seemed perfectly normal.  I just couldn’t imagine though, going out on a date with a man who thought SPERMBANK was an appropriate name for a dating profile.  I write this with the intention of helping guys who are well intentioned but have no clue about how a name like, HappyHuggerGuy might come across to a woman.  The more extreme names like Slave4URFeet or BigSugarDaddyLvr will always be there, and easy to disregard.  But if you are a guy and you aren’t sure why your profile isn’t getting more email, or if your a woman and want to see some of the most tragic names I could find…this article is for you!  Most names fall into the following categories.

Sexy Names – must contain one or more of the following

  • 69
  • Deep, Long
  • Big, Huge,
  • Pulsing, Thorbbing
  • Girthy, Girth, Thick, Wide
  • Xrated
  • NSFW
  • Beast
  • Pervert, Perv
  • Naughty
  • CunnyLover
  • ThreeWay
  • Casual, NoStrings, Discrete
  • Honorable Mentions:
  • SpermBank
  • WellHungForFun
  • Youlllovemy
  • NiceGuyButNot
  • Longrider888

I Think the only thing I have to offer is MY MONEY 

  • SugarDaddy
  • Richboy
  • Ferrari, Lexxus, Porsche, Benz
  • HighRoller
  • BigPlayer
  • $$$$

I’m a Sensitive guy – these made my skin crawl more than any other category

  • Cuddles
  • Snuggles
  • Sweet4U
  • SensitiveLover
  • Sweetboy
  • Gentle
  • Lover, Loves, Lovey
  • Friendly
  • Huggs, Huggable, Hugger
  • Kisser, Kisses, Kissy
  • Lonely
  • Honorable Mentions
  • GentleLover4U
  • Mr.Cuddles
  • SnuggleBearLover
  • Soft_N_Gentle

The following are subcategories that depending on the woman could work.  After all, we are all quite different and if a woman specifically seeks a squirrel loving guy who is into BDSM and has a foot fetish – A name like SquirrelDomFootLuv – might be just the thing.  If you are into kinky and this is what you are looking for, by all means don’t hide it.  It’s always better to NOT surprise a potential partner

I’m Kinky or a have a Fetish

  • BDSM
  • Kinky, Kink,
  • Slave, Master, Slavery
  • Submissive, Sub, Dom, Dominant
  • Beat Me, Wimpy, Wimpee
  • LoveFeet, LoveBig, LoveCurves, TallChaser
  • Fisty – Couldn’t make that one up
  • Honorable Mentions
  • SlaveMasterDomme69
  • Mr.Wimppee
  • McFisty
  • WhipMeGuy4U
  • SlapSlaveAssMan

Spiritual – Again these would repulse me, but if you are a mystical sort seeking a similar type of gal, they could be perfect

  • Soul, Soulmate
  • Peaceful, Peace
  • Spirit, Spirit Guide, Searcher
  • Hippie
  • Mystical
  • Seeker, Visionary, Visions,
  • Dreamer, Dream,
  • SunGod, Goddess Seeker,
  • Healer
  • Evolved

Alternative Lifestyle Names – Again for the right girl, these could be just the thing

  • Vegan – probably the #1 I see in theis category.  I get it, as they are probably seeking another vegan.
  • Veggie, Veg
  • Yoga
  • Meditate

I might be Dangerous!

  • Rebel
  • Rogue
  • NoRules
  • Fire
  • Danger
  • Animal
  • Pirate
  • Spicy
  • HarleyMan888
  • Untamed
  • Maverick

Proud to be me

  • Geek, Geeky
  • Nerdy
  • Treker
  • Trekie
  • Robot
  • Gamer

The Classics – These are total cliches.  They aren’t terrible, just massively overused.

  • Guy4U, Guy4Ya, YourGuy
  • Mr.RightNow
  • PrinceCharming, Knight, Prince
  • GreatCatch
  • StopLooking, SearchEndsHere
  • I’mTheOne, TheOne
  • Popeye – I have no idea why this one is popular but I see it a lot
  • NormalGuy, GuyNextDoor, FavoriteGuy, Regular, Average
  • Smiler, Smiles, Smile
  • Boy, Boyz,
  • Johnny or Joe – both extremely popular
  • Happy, Nice, Fun
  • MacGyver – A LOT of guys make variations on that joke
  • Honorable Mentions
  • AllUNeedIsMe
  • AverageJoe4U
  • FoundIt
  • DoneSearching

Animals – Used a lot, not sure why.  

  • Ram
  • Tiger
  • Phoenix
  • Dog or Dawg
  • Monkey – extremely common – I have no idea why names like MonkeySmiler would help a guy out, but to each his own.

Inexplicable names – I have no idea what they were thinking…honestly I don’t.  These are all real names, I’m not kidding.

  • TurtleLover
  • SquirrelBoy
  • Beeswax
  • FrankenChicken
  • BreadPudding
  • BloodDonor
  • PumpkinHeart
  • Mudrunner – Could mean you’re into off-roading, but a woman probably won’t get the reference – this one is iffy.
  • Plopgasm
  • PappyAss – Personal favorite, as what the hell does it mean?  And how would it attract women?
  • MarriednDating

Boring Names – Include things like

  • Occupation
  • Hobby
  • Location – NY, SF, ATL
  • Age – 1973, 1984, 1968

I usually get attracted to a photo, and then I read the profile.  Those are the two things that grab me, a boring name will NOT turn me off.  My own name on the site is fairly boring.  However a super cheesy, overly sexual, creepy, cuddly name could hurt you.  So when in doubt just call your self NYCGuySohoDentist – You’ll probably get more email!

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8 comments on “Dating Online: What’s in a Name?

  1. Megan

    I hear what you are saying and can appreciate your position, but I disagree with you. Screen names tend to be a wonderful way to weed out men who aren’t looking for the same thing as you and/or who you just wouldn’t be compatible with anyway because perhaps they may be socially/emotionally retarded. I believe in knowing someone’s intentions upfront (so that I don’t waste my time even reading his message) and screen names often give a hint of someone’s true intentions. For example, if a guy has a screen name containing the word “girth”, I would feel very comfortable deleting without reading his message instead of reading his message and then becoming annoyed with its contents.

    1. julietjeske

      I totally agree with you, and I think most guys who name themselves something really obvious like MnsterGirth69 or MasterCeeingSlave will always be on there, and easy to avoid. I just get so much email, and comments from what I find are well-meaning but clueless men. Guys who will name themselves things like MacGuyverFerrari and not realize they look silly. Or I just got one from MotherSmurfer and again, the guy looked fairly normal but what was he thinking with that one? He just looks crazy. I think most of these men aren’t total idiots, just clueless. But your comment makes me want to go back and amend my piece just to drive that point home, because I honestly think it. I’ve even had a few guys email me and ask for advice on their profiles, most of them seem nice enough they just have no idea how they come across to women.

  2. Barry Lyons

    First of all, I knew a woman who would have helped with my Match profile (she never offered; I never asked) but my fear is she would have made it sappy. I mean, really: who’s NOT looking for someone who is kind, sincere, and can make me laugh?

    You know what makes me stop reading? “Spiritual but not religious.” I asked a male atheist friend what he thought this inane phrase was all about. “It means they kinda know religion is hokum, but for social and Pascal’s Wager and wishful-thinking reasons, they keep a toe in.” That sounds about right. In my Match post I said I was looking for a woman who identified with a line from “Speak, Memory”: “The cradle rocks above an abyss, and common sense tells us that our existence is but a brief crack of light between two eternities of darkness.” And I actually added the following in my profile: “Isn’t that beautiful? And isn’t that deeper than any of the mawkish and sentimental gibberish inflicted on us by Christianity?” You have good reason to not read a profile when you see an offensive name, but I’d like to know how many women fled when they saw me say Christianity is a load of gibberish. Tons, no doubt.

    But because being an atheist is important to me (the subject of my next book), I continued on this theme. I had one woman tell me my profile was the best she had ever read. Maybe it was because of this:

    “It amazes me that people (not just women) think the universe exists for us. Does anyone need reminding that Earth is just a spec of dust in a ho-hum corner of the universe and that if the planet disappeared in ten seconds the universe wouldn’t even notice it was gone? This isn’t nihilism. This is the state of our cosmic “insignificance,” scare quotes because while we are most certainly insignificant in terms of what our presence “means” to the universe, we are significant to each other. But the world does not need a “redeemer” or a “lord” or, worst of all, a “messiah”. What we need is compassion, empathy and common sense. We need reason and knowledge, not faith and belief. And when we want “transcendence,” well, that’s why we have sex, nature, and the arts.”

    Right? Sex, nature, and the arts. Who the fuck needs religion when you have those three?


    PS: I can see why “SnuggleBearLover” would make you cringe. “Plopgasm”? Umm… no.

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  4. carlykbad

    Seriously, what’s with monkey names?! Thanks for the pingback. Here’s to better dating days…

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