English: stamp with the words "Fail"...

English: stamp with the words “Fail” and “attention to detail” (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’ve written about this before in my article What Men should NOT to do on a First or Second Date, but I decided I needed a shorthand version – a cheat sheet if you will.  Also ladies, consider this shorthand for extremely negative behavior.  If some guy is doing several of the things on this list…RUN!!!!!   I’m making this specific to online dating because I think it’s a fairly unique way to meet people, and fraught with peril.  If you totally want to sabotage a date early, here are a few sure-fire ways to do it:

Say any one or more of the following phrases:

  • My bitch, crazy, psycho, ex-wife or ex-girlfriend – I get it, you had a bad breakup.  This is not the time for a festival of bitching.
  • I’m still in love with my ex-wife or ex-girlfriend – This has happened to me more than once…no joke.
  • I have to pay way too much child support – Well maybe you think you do, but would you rather have your kids live in a box on the street?
  • How many guys have you slept with? – Are you kidding me?

The following will make you look like a liar, even if that wasn’t your intention. 

  • I lied about my age on my dating profile
  • Oh by the way, I have a girlfriend – This information should have been on your profile
  • Oh by the way, I have kids – This information should have been on your profile
  • Oh by the way, I’m married – This happens more than you would think…and of course…this should have been on your profile

How to look rude

  • Make frequent text messages
  • Receive phone calls or make calls
  • Constantly check your phone in front of your date
  • Never ask your date any questions about herself, just give her a non-stop biography
  • Take your date to an expensive restaurant and then ask her to split the bill – If you are on a budget do coffee or drinks
  • Insult your date – You would be surprised how often this happens
  • Discuss politics or religion – Unless of course you know 100% it’s OK to go there, it’s not exactly romantic
  • Show up late or cancel at the last-minute – things happen but if some catastrophe occurs, contact your date immediately and BEG for forgiveness.

How to freak out your date

  • Assume it’s time to start making out, when your date has given you no indication that it’s cool do go there
  • Drink to the point that you’re a drunken sloppy mess
  • Assume your date does drugs, and then tell her it’s a deal breaker if she doesn’t
  • Force your date into a social situation with a ton of people she doesn’t know
  • Have an emotional breakdown and then treat your date like a therapist
  • Focus the conversation on sex, and ask intimate sexual questions right off the bat – The only exception to this is if you both agreed ahead of time it’s a casual sex type of encounter, or you met your date on a hook-up site.
  • Get angry when it’s obvious your date doesn’t want to have sex with you – Even if you met her on a hook-up site or with the expectation that you would have sex.  You might have freaked her out, she might have changed her mind.  No always means no, so chill out and let it go.
  • Send your date a dick pic – Although I love making fun of these in my act, dick pics are rude, goofy, and way too forward.  Your date could cancel completely, scream at you or threaten to call the police.  The only exception is if your date has asked to see your business…otherwise DO NOT DO THIS!

My personal #1 Pet Peeves

  • I’ve always thought I was funny, I bet I could do stand-up.  Could you help me get started in comedy? – If you want to get started in comedy then go to an open mic or take an improv or stand-up class…and never ask me that question again.  🙂
  • Get competitive with me about comedy.  Insist your are funnier or try to one-up me with jokes – Unless you really are a comedian…please just stop…no really just stop
  • Never laugh once during the date
  • Demand I tell you jokes, or want to see my act, right there out of context, while on a date – I basically hate you now.
  • Proclaim that you can’t stand cats – When then say that I know 100% that it isn’t going to work out.
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6 comments on “Dating Online: Advice for Men – How to completely mess up the First Date

  1. Barry Lyons (@lyonsnyc)

    I did Match and OkCupid this past summer, and while there was at least one pleasant get-together, there was no stirring in the loins, and so nothing came of it. (Yikes: I see the unintended pun there. I’ll leave it.)

    But how did I fare in my comportment on the basis of this guide? Let’s go to the memory bank!

    1) I said zip about ex-girlfriends.
    2) Little alcohol, and while I do love marijuana (I’m a very light smoker), and have a book on out on the awful War on Drugs, I said little about this (my book) — except to one woman who agreed with me on my position (that the War on Drugs is criminal) and wanted to talk more about it.
    3) Emotional breakdowns?!? Who are these men, Juliet, that you are dating?
    4) I have slept with [censored] women.
    5) I’m single, not married, and, again, I don’t have kids (maybe cuz I was never married).
    6) Okay, there was one date where we split the bill. She seemed to have insisted. Maybe it was her way of saying that nothing would develop carnally? I have no idea.
    7) “Insult you date” — Again, Juliet, just who are these men?
    8) I confess: I’m a sapiosexual. I cannot NOT talk (eventually) about politics and religion (yeah, I’m a “strident” atheist). The world of ideas turns me on. Let other men talk about their silly sports. I will never, EVER watch ANY sporting event of ANY kind. Truly: I do not give a shit about sports (a T-shirt idea: “Sports Are for Children; Real Men Read Books”).
    9. Dick pics. Wow. I don’t know what to say. Has “asked to see your business”. Funny.
    10. I went on about four dates. Was it five? Can’t recall. Zippo on the making out department because there was never any genuine chemistry (alas).
    11. “Never laugh once during a date.” What’s a date without laughter? What, have all your dates been Stasi interrogations? I did have one date without laughter. I could tell within seconds that this woman had no sense of humor. Early on I said something ironic and she took me seriously. Wow. So that date didn’t go well. If I sense a woman’s uptight (can’t tell the difference between nerves and shyness), I become uptight in response, and then it’s a date that goes downhill real fast.
    12. Who doesn’t love cats? I love cats (and dogs). Stupid men, or at least the one you’ve been dating.
    13. “You’ve agreed ahead of time that this is a casual sex kind of encounter.” Only in my porn dreams could I ever imagine doing this. Do people actually arrange to have casual sex before time? I’m past 50 and so I guess I’m a tad old-fashioned in this regard. This doesn’t mean that I’m not open to having agreed-in-advance casual sex. I just don’t know how that’s done. I’m utterly and totally clueless and inept (and shy) in this regard.
    14. No, I won’t compete with you about comedy, but it occurs to me as I type this that you might be good for a comedy “pilot” (just a short video) that I’m working on with a friend. A not-quite-famous but recognizable woman (hint: she has a small part in a Netflix series) will be involved. If you’re curious to hear more, you can reach me via Twitter.
    15. I don’t want you to tell me jokes. I want you to tell me about Kant’s Categorical Imperative. (That’s a joke.)

    So am I a catch? Well, let’s tally this up, people. Am I funny? Yes. Intelligent? You bet. However, gold diggers can look elsewhere (the struggle to “make it” in the city goes on).

    So, if you subtract my annoying financial issues (this living on a week-to-week basis has really got to stop), and that I don’t look like Jon Hamm (but I’m better looking than Moe Howard), I think I’ll give myself an A-, if that’s okay by you.

  2. Megan

    Yes, this blog posting is a cheat sheet, which makes me ask the question, “why give someone the answers?” For me, all of the things that you mentioned (with the exception of your personal pet peeves) are pretty much indicative of emotional/social immaturity. When a guy is really into you for the right reasons, he will not want to engage in any of these behaviors. I mean seriously…an adult needs to be informed that it’s rude to send text messages or bring up sex while on a date? If he/she doesn’t recognize that the things you mentioned constitute poor behavior, what else doesn’t he recognize? Perhaps he/she has to be told to chew with his mouth closed or to make sure that he doesn’t leave a trace of urine on the toilet when he is finished using the restroom at your house. These undesirable behaviors go far beyond someone just being clueless.

    I would rather a guy engage in any of these behaviors during the first date/conversation so that we can immediately part ways versus masking these behaviors and revealing them a month or so later because these behaviors imply that he has other character flaws and issues…I don’t like to waste my time.

    1. julietjeske

      I would completely agree with you. I don’t think those guys would actually take my advice anyway…but this is sort one way of telling women…if you see or hear these things…RUN!

      Some men just are awkward and make stupid mistakes…so I do feel for them, but an emotional child won’t take advice from a woman anyway…so I’m not worried!

    2. julietjeske

      I think I will add that note! 😉 Because again, self-centered emotionally stunted men aren’t going to just say oh look here is a blog written by some random woman…she’ll know what to do. In fact I get a lot of hate mail from those guys…I do think I have helped a few socially awkward ones…but they are a whole different other issue.

  3. Mark

    Hi Juliet,

    This point caught my attention…

    “Insult your date – You would be surprised how often this happens”

    The more I observe people around me, both in and out of relationships, the more I witness this very thing. The majority of people have lost the ability to communicate without insulting or gossiping about another person. It’s quite disturbing, and a little amusing, once you tune into it. So I completely agree with you – guys and gals, please avoid doing this on a date (and after you’ve left the dating scene). Treat your partner with respect and honesty and you’ll be amazed at what they reflect back to you.

  4. Pingback: Dating in NYC: The Honest Sinner vs. The Phony Saint | julietjeske

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