LGTB Community

Can we please stop bashing LGTB people?

I’ve been accused of the past of being homophobic.  To say I was angry about this would be an understatement.  My life was irrevocably harmed by a gay man, and yet I fight with everything I have inside of me for further LGTB understanding and acceptance. This dichotomy might seem strange to some but my relationship with the LGTB community is a long and complicated one.

In 2000 I met the man of my dreams, or so I thought.  We were married two years later and went on to work together onstage and off for seven years.  I eventually discovered that not only was my ex-husband secretly gay he was lying to me from the first day I’d met him.  He admitted in therapy that he knew he was gay since he was 8 years old.  He also admitted that he never really wanted to be with me as husband and wife.  I was a human prop or shield to mask his doubts and fears about being gay.   I think he also liked working with me as a partner onstage but he’d already replaced me in that role before the marriage was over.

Meanwhile his older brother was openly gay and had been for over 20 years.  His brother was not rejected by the family and had an extremely close relationship with his parents.  My ex was not in a field or part of the country that was especially anti-LGTB, in fact as a performing artist in New York City he was in one of the best places he could live as an openly gay man.

To add the cherry to the top of my sundae of despair, I found out the truth regarding my ex-husband in the middle of Chelsea (A gay neighborhood in Manhattan) the week before Pride week.  As we stumbled out of that therapist’s office I was surrounded by gay pride rainbows and flags being sold in every direction, and large Pride banners hung from every light post.  Our couple’s therapist largely ignored me in our one session and instead focused on my soon to be ex-husband.  The lies, deception and betrayal I’d just suffered was ignored, while my soon to be ex was given deference, sympathy and an overwhelming amount of empathy by this horrible therapist.  I was literally suicidal and she couldn’t remember my name during the session.

You’d think after all of this, that I would be on a mountain top bashing gay men, decrying their perversion and deviance in the loudest way possible.  I’ve had several people assume that was the case, because I do not care for or have a relationship with my ex-husband in any way shape or form.   Instead I have championed gay men and the acceptance and normalcy of the LGTB community.  .

I have done this because I know that just as I am blonde, my ex-husband is gay.  It’s simply in his wiring to be attracted to and want to have relationships with other gay men.  My ex-husband doesn’t get off the hook for all of the many horrible things he did and said to me.  He doesn’t get a free pass because he lied to me repeatedly and mislead me into a fraudulent marriage.   At the same time he DOES NOT represent all gay men. He is only responsible for his own actions.  Some gay men in his position have had the courage and conviction to be open and honest with their partners.  Although those types of marriages are rare, they do exist and the outcomes are usually much better than what I and millions of others have been through.  The larger LGTB community does not bear the burden of accounting for my ex-husband’s many transgressions.  I have many kind and caring gay male friends who have supported me through this hellscape when some straight people have not.

The most important reason however that I promote the idea that being gay is just as benign as being blonde is that it gay normalization is the ONLY way we are going to cut down on mixed orientation marriages.  I also believe deeply in my heart that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with being gay.

There is a school of thought that believes we can shame, correct and cure homosexuality. Even though those methods have been denounced by the mainstream medical and psychiatric community,  these ideas persist.   Conversion therapy (converting people from gay to straight) is considered abuse by most medical experts and is banned in 9 states and several municipalities.   There are also those who falsely conflate being gay with pedofilia, something that has been researched at length and debunked numerous times over a period of decades.  To quote the American Psychological Association 

Studies on who commits child sexual abuse vary in their findings, but the most common finding is that the majority of sexual offenders are family members or are otherwise known to the child. Sexual abuse by strangers is not nearly as common as sexual abuse by family members. Research further shows that men perpetrate most instances of sexual abuse, but there are cases in which women are the offenders. Despite a common myth, homosexual men are not more likely to sexually abuse children than heterosexual men are.

Most of the current research into pedophilia has pointed more towards brain damage, or brain defects as the cause.   The current scientific movement in regards towards pedophilia is for effective treatments and prevention of crimes against children.  No one but a few depraved pedophiles themselves are calling for acceptance of these depraved acts.

The demonization and shaming of LGTB people accomplishes nothing than more people retreating to the closet. I’ve written about this before at length.  The more we try to shove people back into that dark place, the more likely they will drag others with them. The more gay people try to suppress their orientation the more straight spouses like myself will find themselves in tragic mixed orientation marriages.

I’m proud to know many loving and caring gay parents.  I’m proud to have many gay men in my life as co-workers, friends, confidants, and shoulders to cry on.  I feel eternally blessed to have so many amazing supportive, creative, kind and brave LGTB people around me.   Because I feel so strongly about this, and I want to end misconceptions about LGTB people I’ve provided several links, to reputable non-biased sources that back up my beliefs and opinions.  I will support both straight spouses and the LGTB community until my last breath.   I want straight spouses and sham marriages to be a thing of the past.  We aren’t going to win this battle with superstition, hate and bigotry.  Knowledge is power and there is a wealth of information out there.  Of course there are conflicting opinions regarding the LGTB community but they largely come from religious organizations.  Everyone can make their own conclusions, but as a non-religious person I’d defer to experts on the human mind and body.  I prefer data, research and peer-reviewed clinical studies over passages from ancient texts or pseudoscience.

To quote the American Psychological Association

Since 1975, the American Psychological Association has called on psychologists to take the lead in removing the stigma of mental illness that has long been associated with lesbian, gay and bisexual orientations. The discipline of psychology is concerned with the well-being of people and groups and therefore with threats to that well-being. The prejudice and discrimination that people who identify as lesbian, gay or bisexual regularly experience have been shown to have negative psychological effects. This pamphlet is designed to provide accurate information for those who want to better understand sexual orientation and the impact of prejudice and discrimination on those who identify as lesbian, gay or bisexual.

Myths about Being Gay

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From a Straight Spouse: Some People are Gay…Get Over It!

SPAGGOI_edited_1

When I learned that the shooter in the Orlando massacre showed signs of being a latent or closeted homosexual my heart dropped in my chest.  It somehow hurt even more to know that part of what drove him to murder 49 innocent people was his own deep-seated self-hatred. I do not pity the shooter.  I pity a culture that reinforces the notion that being gay is a shortcoming, weakness, defect, perversion or a sin.  I pity his hateful father who admonished homosexuality days after the massacre.  The same man who used to insult his son by calling him gay and taught him to hate himself.   I pity him because he’s a pathetic excuse for a human being who will only be remembered for raising someone capable of such a horrific act.  My deepest sympathies go to the friends and families of the fallen, and every LGTB person who will feel less safe as a result of such an attack.

Despite the outpouring of support from people all over the country, I knew there would be a backlash.  It wasn’t enough that worst shooting in US history targeted the LGTB community, the critics of homosexuality had to get their digs in before the bodies were cold..  The first blow came in the form of a tweet by Dan Patrick the fiercely anti-LGTB Lt. Governor of Texas just two hours after the shooting.

Do not be deceived, God will not be mocked.  A man reaps what he sows.

He claimed the bible verse was randomly selected beforehand but he also posted it on his Facebook account three hours later even after numerous complaints on his twitter feed.

Then there was the video of a fringe Baptist Pastor Roger Jimenez

‘What if you asked me, “Hey, are you sad that 50 pedophiles were killed today?” Um, no, I think that’s great,’ he told his followers, some of whom laughed. ‘I think that helps society. I think Orlando, Florida, is a little safer tonight. The tragedy is that more of them didn’t die. I’m kind of upset that he didn’t finish the job

Twitter was ablaze with homophobic rants and rhetoric.  ThoughtCatalog compiled a list of the worst.

One simply stated

At least it was gays this time and not innocent people

The blood of the victims was probably still fresh on the ground when these comments were made.  I get worked up about this topic because my life has been negatively affected by homophobia.  My ex-husband was a self-loathing closeted gay man who thought he could change himself.  I was unaware of his struggle with his sexual orientation and became collateral damage in his war with himself.   Instead of living his life authentically and honestly, he lived a miserable existence in hiding.  If he felt he could have lived his life happily and fulfilled as a gay man,  we both would have been much better off.  There are millions of other straight spouses like myself, and children who have been through the emotionally wrenching experience of a mixed orientation marriage. The hatred of LGTB people extends much further out than just the LGTB community.  It hurts their families, friends, and our culture as a whole.  Although LGTB men and women have made great strides in recent years, incidents like the massacre in Orlando prove we have a long way to go before true acceptance is possible.

I am not sure if I’ll reach anyone in my intended audience with this article, but I’m just so sick of the hate.  No one wins when LGTB men and women are shamed, labeled as sinners or treated like second-hand citizens. Homophobes use all sorts of reasoning to justify their hate, so I’ve compiled the most common ones here and intend to challenge all of them.

Homosexulaity and sin – Everyone has a right to their own religious views, but we live in a country with a multitude of faiths and belief systems..  I won’t break down every religion, religious text or reasoning for the condemnations of homosexuality.  That wouldn’t just be a blog article, it could fill several volumes.  In a secular nation, one person’s religion does not trump another person’s civil rights.   I don’t know how love can be sinful, and I know many loving LGTB couples.  Many of them are also devoted parents.  I’m agnostic myself, but it’s hard to imagine how any loving God would be against a healthy, happy, loving relationships between two consenting adults.

Gay people cannot be changed or converted through therapy.  – I could write several hundred pages on this, but instead I’ll just provide this handy link and quote about the widely derided conversion therapy.

To quote the Southern Poverty Law Center 

Conversion therapy – sometimes known as reparative or “sexual reorientation” therapy – is a dangerous practice based on the premise that people can change their sexual orientation, literally “converting” from gay to straight. Conversion therapy has been discredited or highly criticized by virtually all major American medical, psychiatric, psychological and professional counseling organizations.

People who have undergone conversion therapy have reported increased anxiety, depression, and in some cases, suicidal ideation.

Being gay is not a sickness or a mental illness – The medical community hasn’t believed that since 1973.  To quote psychiatrytoday.com 

In 1973 the American Psychiatric Association’s Board of Trustees removed homosexuality from its official diagnostic manual, The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Second Edition (DSM II). The action was taken following a review of the scientific literature and consultation with experts in the field. The experts found that homosexuality does not meet the criteria to be considered a mental illness.

Openly gay people are not a sign of the collapse of society  – LGTB men and women have been around since the dawn of humanity and have always been a part of the spectrum of human sexuality.  LGTB people have existed even in places where the punishment for homosexual behavior was death.   In some Native American tribes homosexuality and gender fluidity was not only tolerated, it was revered.   To quote http://www.dancingtoeaglespiritsociety.org/

It is told that women engaged in tribal warfare and married other women, as there were men who married other men. These individuals were looked upon as a third and fourth gender in many cases and in almost all cultures they were honoured and revered. Two-spirit people were often the visionaries, the healers, the medicine people, the nannies of orphans, the caregivers They were respected as fundamental components of our ancient culture and societies

Homosexuality is not unnatural. –  A common argument is that since homosexual sex does not lead to procreation then it must be against the laws of nature.  Homosexuality is also expressed in over 450 different animal species on this planet.  Obviously humans aren’t the only species that has non-reproductive sex.

HIV is not a plague sent to wipe out gay men  – Sexually transmitted diseases are not limited to the LGTB community. Although HIV rates are higher among gay men than the general population, anyone under the right circumstances can contract HIV.  HIV is also not the killer it once was, as most patients live long lives if they get early treatment.   Daily medications like PreP also can prevent the spread of the virus.   It’s also not the only potentially lethal STD. From the 15th century until the discovery of antibiotics Syphilis infections ravaged Europe.  Even today if left untreated Syphilis can cause disfigurement, brain damage, and eventually death.  HIV isn’t a plague to wipe out any specific group, it is simply another nasty sexually transmitted pathogen.

Gay men are pedophiles who abuse children and turn them gay –  Every time I hear this one I slightly lose my mind, so I’m going to write this in all caps!  THIS MYTH HAS BEEN WIDELY DISCREDITED MULTIPLE TIMES!  IN STUDY AFTER STUDY OVER THE COURSE OF DECADES RESEARCH DOES NOT LINK HOMOSEXAULITY TO PEDOPHILA!!!!!  To quote the Southern Poverty Law Center 

According to the American Psychological Association, children are not more likely to be molested by LGBT parents or their LGBT friends or acquaintances. Gregory Herek, a professor at the University of California, Davis, who is one of the nation’s leading researchers on prejudice against sexual minorities, reviewed a series of studies and found no evidence that gay men molest children at higher rates than heterosexual men.

 

The Child Molestation Research & Prevention Institute notes that 90% of child molesters target children in their network of family and friends, and the majority are men married to women. Most child molesters, therefore, are not gay people lingering outside schools waiting to snatch children from the playground, as much religious-right rhetoric suggests.

When children see a same-sex couple holding hands, kissing or locked in a loving embrace it won’t scar them or cause them to turn gay.  – If two adults are showing affection in a fairly conservative way – holding hands, walking arm in arm and kissing – it’s not going to harm anyone else around them.  A child is not going to suddenly think they are gay after observing two gay adults.  Sexual orientation is deeply rooted into a person’s psyche.  If you were to ask most LGTB people when they knew they were gay they would answer it’s something they’ve always known.  No event flipped the switch in their heads from straight to gay.  If anything young adults who come out sooner as LGTB are less likely to get married to a straight partner.  They are less likely to live a confused and tortured existence.   If a child who will ultimately grow up to be gay sees a loving same-sex couple together, they are more likely to grow up without self-hatred.

There is no “gay agenda” – I can’t even humor this one.  The only “agenda” LGTB people have is to live like anyone else.  They aren’t out to recruit the rest of the world or change anyone else’s sexual orientation.

Homophobia claims many victims –  LGTB youth are more than twice as likely to try to commit suicide than their straight peers. Studies have shown that 15 to 43 percent of LGTB people as well as 90 percent of transgender men and women have faced some sort of harassment or discrimination in the workforce.  In 28 states it’s still perfectly legal to fire someone because of their sexual orientation.  Even in 2016 children are still rejected by their families for coming out.

LGTB men and women are not going to go back into hiding.  No amount of hateful rhetoric, bullets or bombs that will stop anyone from being gay.  We need to come out of the dark ages and accept people for who they are.  I want to grab the father of the shooter and every other homophobe by both shoulders, look them dead in the eyes and scream

The real sickness in our culture is not homosexuals but the hatred and bigotry expressed towards them!

All the hate in the world can’t stop love, and sexual orientation is much more than just sex.  LGTB men and women love their partners with the same intensity and devotion as any straight person would.   Some people are gay, and the haters should just get used to it.

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I can’t believe I’m saying it, but I feel sorry for Kris Jenner.

Kris-Jenner

I don’t “Keep up” with the Kardashians.  I’ve never watched a single episode of the original or the many spin-off shows about the most obnoxious American family.  I purposefully try to ignore any Kardashian news entirely but it still seems to filter through.  I know it all started with an “accidentally” leaked sex tape, a friendship with Paris Hilton and the O.J. Simpson trial. There was also a wedding and brief marriage that may have just been for the endorsements and publicity.  The family is rich, shameless and made their fortune by doing not much of anything.

Kris Jenner is the woman at the helm of this narcissistic empire, and she’s not exactly likable.  In some ways she’s the ultimate Disney villain – an aging yet glamorous woman obsessed with looking youthful, concerned about style over substance, dressed in the best clothing money could buy, and paranoid that her star will eventually fall.  I will confess I’m not a fan, but I can’t help but feel a kinship towards her.  I’m not rich, I don’t have reality show or any plastic surgery, but my ex-husband was a closeted gay man.  When I made the discovery six years ago, my sanity, and financial wellbeing fell off a cliff.  I’ve since met countless other straight spouses and some of them, like Kris, found out their husbands were secretly transgender.  For many they discovered their husbands wanted to change their gender, but had also changed their sexual orientation and were now having sex with men.  To use the word devastating to describe such situations would be a huge understatement. Even phrases like ‘soul crushing’, or ‘life destroying’ don’t really capture the personal torment these women go through.

Now before you exclaim “BUT KRIS KNEW BEFORE THEY WERE MARRIED!” you might want to hear what she had to say about it.

“Why would you want to be married and have kids if this is what you wanted since you were a little boy? Why would you not explain this all to me?

 

“He was married to me, and he wasn’t who he wanted to be, so he was miserable,” she said. “It was the most passive-aggressive thing I think I’ve ever experienced.”

 

“This was a conversation that took place in the early ’90s. So, what he was telling me happened a decade earlier, and he never really explained it,” she said. While Caitlyn said she had B cup breasts at the time, Kris said she thought it was a “man boob situation … there wasn’t a gender issue. Nobody mentioned a gender issue.”

According to an interview with Buzz Bissinger Caitlyn insists that Kris was very much aware of his struggle.

“Jenner is emphatic that he told Kris he had taken hormones in the late 1980s up until the year they met, and was equally emphatic in saying there were other side effects besides breast growth,” Bissinger writes.

 

“He finds it implausible for her to suggest she was not aware of his gender struggle. But he does concede that ‘probably a mistake I made was maybe not having her understand—not the severity of it but that this is a condition you cannot get away from. From that standpoint maybe I blew it away a little bit, sort of ‘This is what I do.'”

From my experience, I’d say with full confidence, that in about 90% of these unions the straight spouse had no idea their partner was gay or trans before the marriage..  Caitlyn’s second wife Linda Thompson revealed that Jenner also didn’t disclose her dysmorphia until after their two sons were born.  Caitlyn may have believed that she could control her inner conflict, or that it might eventually go away.  Being transgender in many ways is much more difficult than being gay.  A gay man can have sex with another man, even if he hates himself for it, or has to lie to do it.  A transgender person looks in the mirror and sees a stranger staring back at them.   It would be quite difficult to remedy the disconnect in your mind, especially 30 or 40 years ago when less was known about transgender people, and the topic wasn’t openly discussed.

I’ve seen the press bash Kris Jenner as being selfish, emasculating, narcissistic, and cruel towards her former spouse.  Some of this might be true, but no one but the two people in the marriage have any idea what really happened.   Most of what we know about their marriage is from a highly edited, manipulated and partially scripted reality show.  The tabloids also chime in and they have never been known for their accuracy or ethical reporting.

Caitlyn has publicly said that her divorce was 80% because of poor treatment by Kris, and 20% because of her gender identity.  I’m sure Kris would most likely have a far different opinion.  It’s common for many closeted spouses to say very similar things after a split.  They rarely blame their orientation, even though living a lie or in constant psychological torment is definitely going to affect a marriage.   Kris didn’t marry a trans woman, she married a man.  It’s incredibly difficult for the wives and husbands of transgender people to suddenly accept their partner’s new identity.  For some it does work out, and both spouses learn to love the new normal, a few marriages even grow stronger.  But for the vast majority of marriages it’s just too much. A straight woman may no longer be attracted to her husband now that she’s a woman, or the transition could be so overwhelming the marriage just can’t handle the strain. Transitioning is a long intense and expensive process that puts both partners on an emotional roller coaster.   When a trans woman also proclaims she wants to date men, what’s left for her straight wife?  I know infidelity did not play a role in the divorce of Kris and Caitlyn but I bring it up, because it’s so incredibly common in these situations.

We can celebrate Caitlyn for her bravery and strength without trashing her ex-wife.  I’m not here to demonize Caitlyn or minimize what she has done for the trans community, but I get sick to my stomach when I see people dragging Kris through the mud over this.  I can’t help but see my own divorce and remember the misguided nonsense I endured.

  • You turned him gay. (No one can turn a person gay)
  • You need to have more compassion for your ex-husband. (After 9 years of lies and betrayal)
  • How did you not know? (Because he lied to me from day one)
  • I can’t believe that you didn’t know you had to have known. (I had to assume my husband was a liar?)
  • You used your ex-husband (My ex-husband used me)
  • Your marriage was an arrangement (Yes, and that’s why will pulled our families into it, just to hurt as many people as possible)
  • You somehow prevented him from coming out sooner (His struggle was his own, and had nothing to do with me)
  • You are still using your ex-husband for publicity (No I’m actually doing this to help other straight spouses)

The tabloids will continue to rip into Kris without much concern.   She’ll return to play the part of the over-bearing matriarch of a self-obsessed brood.   We can’t forget that she’s not a cartoon character, but a human being.  She just found out her former husband of 24 years is now a woman, and that’s never an easy thing to go through.  Ironically thanks to the actions of Caitlyn, we might be closer to a world where a transgender person can be open and honest about themselves well before three marriages, 10 kids, multiple grandkids and their 65th birthday.  As much as I can’t stand the Kardashian empire, I do have empathy for Kris Jenner.  Caitlyn needed to come to grips with her identity by herself, and Kris had no control over any of it.  Maybe they had a bad marriage, maybe they didn’t, but it has nothing to do with Caitlyn’s decision to live an open and authentic life.  We can celebrate Caitlyn Jenner without trashing Kris.  It would make a great reality show plot to have the straight person as the evil oppressor and the trans person as the ever suffering hen-pecked victim, but reality shows are not real life.  In actual marriages things are far more complicated.

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