After a three-year stint of completely avoiding the dating scene in New York City I dared to venture back into the fray. I’m probably going to opt out again any day now as it’s just as screwed up as it’s ever been. Here are my handy tips if you’ve hit the wall and nearly given up hope.
1. If your date actually shows up you are halfway there – It’s next to impossible to get a man to actually agree to a date. Expect nothing. When I say nothing I mean exactly that. Will your date show up? Maybe! He might look completely different from the person in his photos. You might get a cancellation as late as several minutes into your planned encounter. He might meet you briefly and then drag you into a social situation full of strangers. Once on a second date I was introduced to an entire dinner party full of friends along with my date’s teenage daughter. The two of us clicked right away because neither one of us wanted to be there. Her first words to me were about how her mother had been arrested in an European airport for throwing a temper tantrum. Needless to say that I didn’t end up dating her father.
Pro-tip – If your date doesn’t show up order a dirty martini and just start talking to random strangers. You’ll probably end up with a new gay male best friend. That’s what’s happens to me anyway.
2. Cyberstalk the shit out of the person – Not only do I advise doing this, I think you’d be reckless to not google them. I’ve found articles and images my dates didn’t know existed. I’ve made the mistake of telling complete strangers what I’ve found on them. Men tend to misread this one. I’m just making sure they’re not married, a serial killer or using an alias.
Pro-tip – Do NOT scroll through the comments section. The comments section on any social media account will reveal too much. I’ve figured out who is an ex-girlfriend, who might want to be the next girlfriend and even exact dates of breakups. If you want to leave some mystery feel free to scroll through the images, just avoid the commentary. If a person wants privacy they wouldn’t be putting these images online. I don’t know how many people I’ve had to point this out to before. If you put it on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook or any other social media app we can all see it. If you want privacy then change the privacy settings for those accounts.
3. Avoid initiating all correspondence after a date – New Yorkers like their partners silent and hassle free. If you contact them at all for any purpose whatsoever you risk being branded a “Crazy clingy psycho” even if you only text them a handful of times. Don’t call them on the actual phone, I you do that you’ll freak them out so much they’ll probably notify the police. If you are unconventional like myself and contact someone via email or on social media they might move to another state to avoid your stalker ways. I’m strange in that I tend to interact with most of my friends on social media. I’ve found when I do this to men I barely know or have never met they completely misread it.
Pro-tip – As soon as you walk away from the date immediately delete his number. I wish I was actually capable of this but I’d still strongly suggest you try it.
4. Become a semi-professional pornographer – Like dick pics? Well it’s your lucky day, you’ll get plenty! Worried about having nude or semi-nude photos of yourself floating around the internet for all of eternity? What are you some kind of uptight prude? Buy some lighting, get a good camera and Photoshop out any tattoos that might reveal your identity. Fall in love with close-ups of your genitalia because people you’ve hung out with for less than two hours will come asking for them. You’ll sometimes get these requests before your first date.
Pro-tip – You never know where those photos are going to end up. Send them a photo of a cat or Dick Cheney. Fuck with their head. Give them nothing.
5. Learn to love spontaneity – Like planning more than a day in advance? Have an unusual schedule that can be difficult to plan around? Well then you’re never dating anyone. If you won’t jump up at a moment’s notice and meet some guy you barely know in a dive bar in the Lower East Side, you’re never getting laid again. Get used to meeting up with men when they’re already half drunk. You might be the second or third woman they’ve texted that night. Once I showed up to a bar only to meet another woman who was also beckoned. He’d made a mistake and didn’t realize we might both show up. He didn’t get laid but I’m still friends with the woman to this day.
Pro tip – Find someone with the same batshit crazy schedule as yourself. It might seem impossible which why I also suggest learning to love YouTube clips from “Mad Men” watching images of Jon Hamm might just be enough, it usually is for me anyway.
6. You’ll be judged harshly for all of your life choices up until this point – Did you go to state college? Did you major in the arts? Do you live with five roommates? Are you divorced? Have you ever lived with anyone? How many stupid jobs have you had? Bernie Bro or HRC? If you call yourself a moderate you basically are admitting you’re a Neo Nazi. You will be judged, cataloged and written off for the slightest offense or sign of eccentricity.
Pro-tip – Judge back. Go deep. If he gives you grief for having three cats shame him for not opening his life and apartment up to one of the millions of unwanted animals languishing in shelters. How dare he live his life WITHOUT a cat. So what if he’s allergic there are LIVES TO BE SAVED HERE!
7. Expect lazy dates – Would you feel comfortable going over to a stranger’s apartment for a glass of wine for a first date? Why not? Maybe you don’t like being dismembered, date raped or being trapped in an apartment with a drunken fool. I’ve been asked out for that exact scenario more than once. I know I’m such an uptight bitch for insisting on a public location full of potential witnesses but I’m old fashioned that way.
Pro-tip – Always insist on a public place for a first date and when in doubt make up an annoying texting friend so you can leave whenever you want.
8. Find the right slut balance – The Madonna/Whore complex runs deep in the urban male. Men will expect and hope that you will have sex with them minutes after you meet them. If you decide to take the plunge too early you’ll be branded a worthless slut and discarded accordingly. If you try to hold out for a second or third date you might be considered a sexless puritanical old maid. If you’ve survived date one without putting out then you enter the dangerous territory of the space between date one and two. Will you have to whip out your own personal Penthouse level quality snapshots? Or will you be expected to sext, flirt or engage in XXX Instant Messaging. Have a web cam? All the better just don’t go full porn star or you’re not likely to hear from him again. The only exception of course is if you’re in the polyamorous group. Then there are no rules. The slut balance is your balance.
Pro-tip – I’ve got nothing. Use condoms. You’re still going to get at least three strains of HPV with condoms anyway but you’ll hopefully avoid The Clap or maybe some new antibiotic resistant strain of Gonorrhea doctors won’t be able to treat yet.
9. Dates will ask for full disclosure – Where do you live? That’s probably priority #1 because no one wants to put any effort forth. If they live in Bushwick and you live in Bay Ridge the chances of a second date are slim to none. If you meet someone who lives in another borough it had better be a 15-20 minute commute or it’s never going to happen. You can live more than 30 minutes away but it had better be on the same train line and not require a transfer. How much do you make? Who did you vote for in 1992? Were you old enough to vote in 1992? What do you do for a living? How many kids do you want to have? Do you have kids? What is your drug history? What drugs do you do on a regular basis? Don’t be surprised if your date asks you about specific sexual preferences or peccadilloes.
Pro-tip – Tell them everything. Declare things they never even asked about. Reveal your last boyfriend’s dick size and shape. Why not? They’ll probably find it out while cyberstalking you anyway.
10. Practice Self-Care – Find a beautiful spot in nature such as a park, beach or flower garden. Pick up a mason jar, hold it closely in your hands. As you hold meditate and manifest all the things you’d love to find in a good partner. Visualize everything down to specific details. Feel their touch of their hands, hear the sound of their voice, and smell their scent. Then open the jar, put it close to your mouth and let out a long and passionate gutteral scream. Seal the jar and bury it. That’s the last time you’ll be able to express any real emotion. Emotion is for suckers. If you want to successfully date in New York City you need ice water in your veins.
Pro-tip – Expect to have breakdowns. If you’re going to try to date in this town you’re going to have breakdowns. When in doubt get a cat. I have three. I still have breakdowns.
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