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Dating Online: The Coward

The Cowardly Lion as pictured in The Wonderful...

The Cowardly Lion as pictured in The Wonderful Wizard of Oz by L. Frank Baum (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This particular problem is not relegated to any gender, sexual orientation or age group.  Cowards  in the dating world are sadly universal.  I would bet that even prehistoric men and women scratched their heads over this dating archetype.   What is a coward?

A person who asks someone out on a date, only to then:

  • Cancel last-minute
  • Stand-up a date
  • Constantly reschedule
  • Make themselves consistently unavailable
  • Claim they never made the date in the first place – Act as if it was somehow a misunderstanding

I want to emphasize the distinction here, a coward is the person who sets up the date in the first place, and then blows it off. That is a huge difference, because plenty of people might bail on a date for any number of reasons.  Life is complicated, misunderstandings are common and people really might need to cancel.  They may also not be that interested and bailing on a date is a passive aggressive way of saying as much.  However if a man or woman asks someone out on a date, the need to do everything in their power to follow through.  A coward sends the mixed signal of

I want to go out with you, only I DON’T actually want to go out with you.

I hear these stories all the time from both men and women.  It has happened to me more times than I can count, and I will admit that one gentlemen strung me along like this for months.  I didn’t quite have my post-divorce self-confidence back yet so for reasons I still don’t quite understand, I put up with it.

Over half the men that ask me out on online dating sites do this.  The scenario goes something like this:

  1. They send the first email asking me to go out.
  2. I respond saying I would love to go out with them.
  3. Then they either cancel at the last second, blow me off completely, or never get around to actually planning anything.

I used to give these types the benefit of the doubt, but now I don’t.  If they can’t get it together for one date, they probably aren’t going to get it together for much more.   I used to think it was due to my blog, so I stopped using my name in any correspondence online.  Multiple friends of both genders have said this exact scenario plays out with them repeatedly.  Why do people do this?  I am not sure why but it might be

  • Fear of Failure – They are worried they will be ultimately rejected so they avoid the date, thereby avoiding rejection.
  • Fear of Success – If your date does actually go well, then they might have to deal with some type of dating situation this freaks them out, so they self-sabotage.
  • Intimacy Issues – They would rather have some type of fantasy of you than actually deal with another human being.
  • Seeing someone else – It is all a game to them, you are merely a pawn for their ego.
  • Ego Boost – They asked a person out just to see if they would say yes, never intending to go out with them.
  • Living in a Virtual Reality – A person becomes so accustomed to relationships online social networking etc, that a real one is just too much for them to handle.

Faking out dates is almost rampant behavior nowadays.   It seems completely irrational as asking a person out on a date is a bold move, and makes a person quite vulnerable.  It is such a problem with online dating, I could almost bet half the guys who end up in my inbox will never follow through with an actual date.

Actions really do speak louder than words.  If a person is not making you a priority in their life, then they are letting you know that you are not really that important to them.  Asking you out, only to then flake is rude, inconsiderate and downright baffling behavior.  If someone really wants to see you, they will move heaven and earth to make that happen.  Don’t waste your time on a coward.

 

Dating Online: Rejected by eHarmony? – Share your stories here!

So the title says it all. I had a horrible situation with eHarmony and I blogged about it. Then about a year later they sent my email an “icebreaker” from some user called “Craig”. I found that a bit crazy.  I had no account with them, so why was I getting an “ice breaker.”

This is exactly what they sent me, a member who hasn’t been active for a year.

Your profile just made Craig smile.

Breaking the ice is a fun way to start a conversation. Log in to check out Craig and decide if you want to make the next move.

“ I am most passionate about helping others … i like to see others succeed … where I have failed. ”

– Craig, 42 from , Lindenhurst, New York

So what is going on here? Poor Craig from Lindenhurst thinks I am on the site.  When I tried to unsubscribe, the link sent me to a page to re-activate my account.  Now that I have continued to blog about this, some unknown user harassed me on this blog.  Right after I basically shut that mess down, I had eHarmonyJack try to follow me on twitter.  I blocked him immediately.

eHarmony is either still using my account without my consent, or this “Craig” person doesn’t exist. I feel sorry for anyone who thinks I am still on the site.  It is really unethical for eHarmony to use defunct profiles as some type of bait for active members.

I think it is really sad that so many companies take advantage of people looking for love.  And why harass me or any other blogger?  The good folks at eHarmony should expect some dissatisfied customers.  Anyone who has had a bad experience should have every right to share it with the rest of the world.  Match.com, OKCupid and Jdate never sent me emails like this.

I have heard that eHarmony likes to tell people they are undesirable. Well consider this your forum.  If eHarmony deemed you unacceptable, or if you had a bad experience on the site, please share your stories here!