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Top 10 Rules for Dating in New York City – If you’re completely over it and don’t give a shit anymore.

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After a three-year stint of completely avoiding the dating scene in New York City I dared to venture back into the fray.  I’m probably going to opt out again any day now as it’s just as screwed up as it’s ever been.  Here are my handy tips if you’ve hit the wall and nearly given up hope.

1. If your date actually shows up you are halfway there – It’s next to impossible to get a man to actually agree to a date.  Expect nothing.  When I say nothing I mean exactly that.  Will your date show up?  Maybe!  He might look completely different from the person in his photos.  You might get a cancellation as late as several minutes into your planned encounter.  He might meet you briefly and then drag you into a social situation full of strangers.  Once on a second date I was introduced to an entire dinner party full of friends along with my date’s teenage daughter.  The two of us clicked right away because neither one of us wanted to be there.  Her first words to me were about how her mother had been arrested in an European airport for throwing a temper tantrum.  Needless to say that I didn’t end up dating her father.

Pro-tip – If your date doesn’t show up order a dirty martini and just start talking to random strangers.  You’ll probably end up with a new gay male best friend.  That’s what’s happens to me anyway.

2. Cyberstalk the shit out of the person – Not only do I advise doing this, I think you’d be reckless to not google them.  I’ve found articles and images my dates didn’t know existed.  I’ve made the mistake of telling complete strangers what I’ve found on them.  Men tend to misread this one.  I’m just making sure they’re not married, a serial killer or using an alias.

Pro-tip – Do NOT scroll through the comments section.  The comments section on any social media account will reveal too much.  I’ve figured out who is an ex-girlfriend, who might want to be the next girlfriend and even exact dates of breakups.  If you want to leave some mystery feel free to scroll through the images, just avoid the commentary.  If a person wants privacy they wouldn’t be putting these images online.  I don’t know how many people I’ve had to point this out to before.  If you put it on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook or any other social media app we can all see it.  If you want privacy then change the privacy settings for those accounts.

3. Avoid initiating all correspondence after a date – New Yorkers like their partners silent and hassle free.  If you contact them at all for any purpose whatsoever you risk being branded a “Crazy clingy psycho” even if you only text them a handful of times.  Don’t call them on the actual phone, I you do that you’ll freak them out so much they’ll probably notify the police.  If you are unconventional like myself and contact someone via email or on social media they might move to another state to avoid your stalker ways.  I’m strange in that I tend to interact with most of my friends on social media.  I’ve found when I do this to men I barely know or have never met they completely misread it.

Pro-tip – As soon as you walk away from the date immediately delete his number.  I wish I was actually capable of this but I’d still strongly suggest you try it.

4. Become a semi-professional pornographer – Like dick pics?  Well it’s your lucky day, you’ll get plenty!  Worried about having nude or semi-nude photos of yourself floating around the internet for all of eternity?  What are you some kind of uptight prude?  Buy some lighting, get a good camera and Photoshop out any tattoos that might reveal your identity.  Fall in love with close-ups of your genitalia because people you’ve hung out with for less than two hours will come asking for them.  You’ll sometimes get these requests before your first date.

Pro-tip – You never know where those photos are going to end up.  Send them a photo of a cat or Dick Cheney.  Fuck with their head.  Give them nothing.

5. Learn to love spontaneity – Like planning more than a day in advance?  Have an unusual schedule that can be difficult to plan around?  Well then you’re never dating anyone.  If you won’t jump up at a moment’s notice and meet some guy you barely know in a dive bar in the Lower East Side,  you’re never getting laid again.  Get used to meeting up with men when they’re already half drunk.  You might be the second or third woman they’ve texted that night.  Once I showed up to a bar only to meet another woman who was also beckoned.  He’d made a mistake and didn’t realize we might both show up.  He didn’t get laid but I’m still friends with the woman to this day.

Pro tip – Find someone with the same batshit crazy schedule as yourself.  It might seem impossible which why I also suggest learning to love YouTube clips from “Mad Men” watching images of Jon Hamm might just be enough, it usually is for me anyway.

6. You’ll be judged harshly for all of your life choices up until this point – Did you go to state college?  Did you major in the arts?  Do you live with five roommates?  Are you divorced?  Have you ever lived with anyone?  How many stupid jobs have you had?  Bernie Bro or HRC?  If you call yourself a moderate you basically are admitting you’re a Neo Nazi.  You will be judged, cataloged and written off for the slightest offense or sign of eccentricity.

Pro-tip – Judge back.  Go deep.  If he gives you grief for having three cats shame him for not opening his life and apartment up to one of the millions of unwanted animals languishing in shelters.  How dare he live his life WITHOUT a cat.  So what if he’s allergic there are LIVES TO BE SAVED HERE!

7. Expect lazy dates – Would you feel comfortable going over to a stranger’s apartment for a glass of wine for a first date?  Why not?  Maybe you don’t like being dismembered, date raped or being trapped in an apartment with a drunken fool.  I’ve been asked out for that exact scenario more than once.  I know I’m such an uptight bitch for insisting on a public location full of potential witnesses but I’m old fashioned that way.

Pro-tip – Always insist on a public place for a first date and when in doubt make up an annoying texting friend so you can leave whenever you want.

8. Find the right slut balance – The Madonna/Whore complex runs deep in the urban male.  Men will expect and hope that you will have sex with them minutes after you meet them.  If you decide to take the plunge too early you’ll be branded a worthless slut and discarded accordingly.  If you try to hold out for a second or third date you might be considered a sexless puritanical old maid.  If you’ve survived date one without putting out then you enter the dangerous territory of the space between date one and two.  Will you have to whip out your own personal Penthouse level quality snapshots?  Or will you be expected to sext, flirt or engage in XXX Instant Messaging.  Have a web cam?  All the better just don’t go full porn star or you’re not likely to hear from him again.  The only exception of course is if you’re in the polyamorous group.  Then there are no rules.  The slut balance is your balance.  

Pro-tip – I’ve got nothing.  Use condoms.  You’re still going to get at least three strains of HPV with condoms anyway but you’ll hopefully avoid The Clap or maybe some new antibiotic resistant strain of Gonorrhea doctors won’t be able to treat yet.

9. Dates will ask for full disclosure – Where do you live?  That’s probably priority #1 because no one wants to put any effort forth.  If they live in Bushwick and you live in Bay Ridge the chances of a second date are slim to none.  If you meet someone who lives in another borough it had better be a 15-20 minute commute or it’s never going to happen.  You can live more than 30 minutes away but it had better be on the same train line and not require a transfer.  How much do you make?  Who did you vote for in 1992?  Were you old enough to vote in 1992?  What do you do for a living?  How many kids do you want to have?  Do you have kids?  What is your drug history?  What drugs do you do on a regular basis?  Don’t be surprised if your date asks you about specific sexual preferences or peccadilloes.  

Pro-tip – Tell them everything.  Declare things they never even asked about.  Reveal your last boyfriend’s dick size and shape.  Why not?  They’ll probably find it out while cyberstalking you anyway.

10. Practice Self-Care – Find a beautiful spot in nature such as a park, beach or flower garden.  Pick up a mason jar, hold it closely in your hands.  As you hold meditate and manifest all the things you’d love to find in a good partner.  Visualize everything down to specific details.  Feel their touch of their hands, hear the sound of their voice, and smell their scent.  Then open the jar, put it close to your mouth and let out a long and passionate gutteral scream.  Seal the jar and bury it.  That’s the last time you’ll be able to express any real emotion.  Emotion is for suckers.  If you want to successfully date in New York City you need ice water in your veins.

Pro-tip – Expect to have breakdowns.  If you’re going to try to date in this town you’re going to have breakdowns.  When in doubt get a cat.  I have three.  I still have breakdowns.

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NYC Dating – Men of NYC – I’m just not that into you.

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One of the main reasons I hate online dating is that it throws off the traditional straight male and female dynamic.  I don’t care what study or survey claims to the contrary – straight men HATE it when women are aggressive.  There are exceptions to this rule of course but they are few and far between.

As a woman with a somewhat dominant personality I know this all too well.  I speak plainly.  I say exactly what I’m thinking.  There is very little subtext in anything I do or utter.  I don’t even know how to operate in a manipulative way.  The whole idea of saying one thing while meaning something else completely baffles me.  I realize this trait of mine is unusual.  It tends to get me in trouble when it comes to dating.

Most straight men want to pursue a woman.  They want to woo her and win her over as if she is some sort of rare albino gazelle on the grasslands of Africa.  The pursuit feeds their ego, it makes them feel like the woman is some sort of rare gem, and it makes them feel like they’re in control.  Any woman who makes it known too early that she is also actively pursuing a man is seen as less desirable, desperate or pathetic.

Here’s the thing gentlemen of the city that never sleeps.  Despite being 45 years old and being far from perfect I can still get just about any man.  If all I’m looking for is no strings attached sex it’s not a problem.  If I only want to have sex with the man once and never see him again it’s even easier.  I’m not including married men and men in committed relationships when I say that, although I get plenty of offers from men who aren’t exactly single.   I’m not bragging.  I’m not unique or exceptional.  Nearly any woman within a reasonable age range can bed just about any single and available man.   Men pay for the privilege of getting sex.  They spend hours in strip clubs in a sexually charged environment.  Some will waste most of their leisure time watching porn.  Sex for men can be difficult to come by but for most women sex is easy.  It’s almost too easy.  There’s no challenge in it.  There’s no game.  Simply be willing and able and give no signs that you expect anything but sex and most women can bed whomever they please.

This is where online dating comes in.  The dynamic of men pursuing women gets completely thrown off because half the apps make it next to impossible for men to start the ball rolling.  I understand why this is as most women get inundated with sexually explicit requests when there are no safeguards.  What happens instead is now the woman have to make the first move.  It might seem great in theory but it tends to make men think we are far more interested than we actually are.  I honestly have incredibly low expectations for any man I meet online.  I don’t expect much because I’ve been on so many bad dates.  The whole thing is a crapshoot.  Most times it’s just two strangers awkwardly trying to figure out a way to bolt and go home.  It’s no one’s fault, it’s just how dating random people tends to work out.

I never want to get married again.  I don’t want to move in with someone.  I’ve given up on having children. So rest assured I’m not planning our wedding.  I’m certainly not wondering how I’ll re-arrange my life when we move in together and I’m not naming our future children.  What I do want is to physically go out with someone and see them on a semi-regular basis.  My bar is low.   I don’t think any man is perfection personified.  I’ve been married and divorced.  There’s no way I would ever fall for anyone instantly.   If you are a decent human being, treat me well and we have even scant chemistry I’ll probably want to go out with you again.  That’s it.  That’s as deep as this ocean gets when I barely know someone.

Since I’ve been single I’ve had more requests for virtual sex than the real thing.  I’ve been asked to drop everything on a moment’s notice to hookup with some guy in the middle of the night.   I get solicitations for nude photos before I’ve even been intimate with a man.  I guess that’s just expected now since we all have mirrors and we all have phones.  

I AM BEYOND SICK OF THIS NONSENSE.

Your offers of no strings attached casual sex are about as common and inviting as the blackened pieces of chewing gum pounded into any subway platform.  I love sex but I also like knowing the person a little before I have sex with them.  I want to go see movies, have a meal or maybe go for a hike.  I want to share my day with them and ask them how their day went.  That’s it.  I’m not asking for much here.

When I’ve tried to just park it and let men take the lead on those dating sites basically nothing happens.  No one asks me out.  I get no email.  I just wonder why this got so difficult.  I don’t know what happened to dating.  I don’t understand how I’m supposed to interact in a world full of confusing text messages, sexting and booty calls.

I just want and crave actual human interaction more than I could possibly express here.  So sorry men of New York City I’m not really into you.  I don’t care how much money you make or where you work.  I don’t give a rat’s ass if you have some sort of award or if you’re famous.  The fact that you are published or work for a hedge fund does not impress me.  I’d rather watch clips of Adam Driver or Jon Hamm and let my imagination wander than put up with this dehumanizing endeavor.   Why is this so hard?  I’ve given up trying to figure it out.  I’m just screaming into the void at this point.  Dating as we know it is dead and for some reason I just keep going to funerals expecting the corpse to jump up and start dancing.

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