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Dating in NYC: The Pepe Le Pew Syndrome

Pepé Le Pew

Pepé Le Pew (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Pepe Le Pew, the classic Looney Toones character is a love struck skunk and hopeless romantic.   In every episode he is featured, Le Pew incorrectly believes that a female black and white cat is actually another skunk and pursues her with vigor.  No obstacle is too great for Le Pew as he confidentially skips along after his chosen mate espousing his affection as he does so.  In some episodes the pursued cat might drink a love potion and a turnaround occurs.  The cat becomes enamored with Le Pew and now the skunk is running away as if his life depended on it.  The dreaded turnaround, just when the skunk gets his prey he decides he doesn’t want it anymore.

I have lived this very experience and heard countless stories from female friends who have gone through the exact same thing.  I have never encountered a love-sick skunk, nor am I a cat mistaken for a skunk, but I have dealt with many men who have played out this exact scenario.

A guy will become mildly infatuated with a woman and do anything to get her to go out with him.  Countless text messages, emails, instant messages and phone calls all to win her heart.   Although as soon as the man has the woman literally in his grasp he becomes disillusioned.  She is not the fantasy he had is his head, she is not fulfilling his every emotional and physical need and on top of it this same woman has emotional needs of her own and multiple flaws.  Soon after he has his conquest the turnaround begins.  The same man who was never too busy to send countless emails all day long, and text messages is suddenly busy.  He won’t return calls, he won’t answer emails and he would never think to text.  By now the woman may have become attached and just wonders what the hell happened.

Women call it the classic male “freak out”.   Countless dating advice books tell women to manipulate men to prevent this from happening.  Personally I hate manipulation, partly because I am downright terrible at it, and it just seems like one big constant lie.  And do I really want to “trick” someone into sticking around with me, by constantly making him feel that I have one foot out the door at all times?

I have sat down with my straight male friends to try to figure this out and I get answers like:

“Well sometimes you don’t really know until you know”

“I just get excited by the chase but once I have a girl, I don’t know something happens”

“I don’t know why I do it, I just know that I have done it before”

Talking to men about this might seem like a good idea, but it just leaves me more confused.  So now instead of trying to figure out why some men do this, I do everything I can to prevent it from happening in the first place.  There is a fine line between the genuine real excitement of a brand new budding relationship and a false hyped up hysterics of a Pepe Le Pew type.   The red flags to look out for:

  • He says things like “I have never had a blonde girlfriend before” and he hasn’t even met you yet
  • He talks about things way into the future and you barely know him
  • He speaks in blanket statements – you are somehow supposed to make his life complete
  • He says things like – You will keep me sober – Indicating that you will somehow save him from himself.
  • He is so insecure about your first date so he will call, then email and then send you a text to make sure you are coming
  • He speaks about you as if you are an object – talks more about your physical attributes, hair color, height, weight, etc. than your personality or who you are as a person
  • In general if he is acting head over heels and you haven’t yet met, that is a huge warning sign that he has already idealized you in his head.

Sometimes I feel more like a trophy than an actual human being, as if the man is more excited about showing me off to his friends than he is actually spending time with me.  I have written on this blog so many times before, when something seems too good to be true, or you gut instinct is telling you to bolt, trust that instinct.  Proceed with caution,  don’t get too involved with a man like this until you feel that his feelings are coming from a real place and not some fantasy in his head.  But if this does happen to you, don’t beat yourself up about it.  It seems to happen to all women.  I don’t know why women appear more enticing to men when they can’t have us, but there are things about the male psyche that I will never understand.  Don’t let his temporary excitement sweep you off your feet just so you can later get slammed to the ground when he drops you.   Sure it might feel romantic to have some man move heaven and earth to win us over, but it feels even worse when our love struck skunk turns out to be one scared little mammal who has left us with little more than his lingering scent.

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Dating After Divorce: The What the Hell was I thinking? Stage of a break-up

Photograph of blue sky

Photograph of blue sky (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I am adding the following disclaimer to all of my dating related blog posts.  I change details, and create composite characters when I write about dating archetypes such as “Mr. Houdini, Mr. Angry, etc.  I would hate it if someone wrote about a high energy blonde comedian negatively in a blog, so because of that I never include a person’s occupation or anything about their physical description.  I also change enough details that I doubt anyone I am referring to would even recognize themselves if they read one of my articles.   I have split one person into three, or taken several people and put them all into one example.  So simply put, I am very ethical on this blog.

One of the stages of a break up is my personal favorite the “What the hell was I thinking, I am trying not to laugh, why did I date you again?” stage.

I am using myself and a former lover here as an example but this of course applies to both genders and every sexual orientation out there.  The post breakup “see the light” moment is universal.  Everyone can relate to this.

Not every break up leads to this epiphany as some are just too painful.  And you probably will never reach that level in a divorce since most marriages are so much more overwhelming than a dating situation.  But when you finally reach that point post-breakup it is a bit exhilarating. And if you are able to reach this with a former spouse then kudos to you!

Since some of my regular readers know at least one person I have dated in the past I want to clarify that none of you know who I am talking about.  From my past mistakes I have learned to keep some things to myself and none of my friends actually ever met this man.  And that is all I am going to write about it.

But I just thought I would share this blog entry since last night, something reminded me of how wonderful the feeling is, and I know we have ALL BEEN HERE.  Men and women alike, gay, straight and bisexual we have all wasted time pining away for a lover that was just no good for us.  I also won’t comment further on the nature of the relationship or breakup but I don’t think he was really crushed when I broke things off.

Stages of a break up.

1. I really can’t be with you anymore, this has become toxic we have to break up

2. Did I do the right thing…maybe I want you back?

3. What if situations could have been different – run through all of  the scenarios in your head

4. I can’t see him, I don’t want to be around him too painful

5. What the hell was I thinking?  The man is a weirdo a loser and I am better off. 

You finally get to a point where you feel like nothing he says or does will touch you because you just don’t care anymore and it is wonderful.

No matter what stunt, or dig your ex tries to throw your way you just laugh it off and think to yourself…LOSER

No matter who he ends up dating, even if he tries to shove it in your face you think to yourself poor girl he is a …LOSER

If he insults you, to your face, you merely laugh…try to not insult him back and think again…LOSER

If he posts things on Facebook, Twitter or other social media trying to get you upset you only think…pathetic LOSER

You are finally free, free of the demon of regret that haunted your mind.  You finally woke up and decided that you broke up for very good legitimate reasons and you are truly happier and healthier apart.  And it wouldn’t matter when you dated or the place you were in your lives you are simply not compatible.  Or you realize your former partner was just not a very nice person and did not treat you well.  It may take a few days, it may take months it may even take years but once you reach that nirvana it is indeed pure bliss.  I hope if any of my readers out there are lamenting about a former lover that you one day end up at that special place.

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Dating in NYC: How to self-sabotage a date

English: (ship) half-submerged and sinking.

English: (ship) half-submerged and sinking. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Anyway this is meant as self-deprecating humor.  I am after all a comedian.  I am a lousy dater because for my entire adult life I have been a serial monogamist so I really don’t know how to do the date thing.  I talk to much, I reveal too much, and I am too hyper…but I am hardly nasty and I have heard so many stories from both genders of people being extremely mean or shallow on these dates…so please anyone reading this…the piece was meant as satire, self-parody…don’t take it so seriously!  YIKES! 

Dating is not marriage, dating is one big job interview after another.  Marriage is trying to keep the job you have had for years already have interesting and exciting.  Going from a long-term marriage to the dating pool is rough, I have no idea what I am doing, but I do know when a date is clearly not going to work out.  And to avoid having “the talk” with some guy I barely know, I tend to instead self-sabotage the whole endeavor.   The “talk” is the short brief chat about why I don’t think we are compatible as a romantic couple.  I don’t like getting “the talk” from a man who isn’t interested in me, and I hate giving it.  Since I date mostly men I meet online, it is a total crap-shoot.  I can’t really tell much from a profile, and I have no idea if I will end up having any type of connection with the person.  Most of the time I don’t, and that is not their fault, but merely the nature of the beast.  I don’t get offended or upset when I can tell a man is not viewing me as a potential match.  It is the meeting of two total strangers, it is rare when sparks fly.

I don’t really understand what makes attraction work, but I do know that on a few dates I wanted to crawl over the table and start making out with a guy I had just met.  I didn’t publicly make-out with a total stranger, but in the two times that I have felt that right away, I ended up briefly dating those men.   The two suitors looked nothing alike and had totally different personalities, I can’t explain why both of them were appealing to me, but there it is.  When the initial attraction is not there and the conversation is forced or awkward, then it is time to have “the talk” or resort to self-sabotage.

There are generally two methods of self-sabotaging a date.  The first I call the super clingy needy crazy girl, sometimes the super clingy needy girl act can backfire, and it also makes you look crazier.

  • Talk about marriage immediately
  • Talk about babies immediately, wanting to have babies, your friends babies etc. anything about babies
  • Discuss with your date things that you will do in the far future, things like “I can’t wait to hang with you at Christmas!”
  • Ask way too many super personal questions right off the bat, such as “How many women have you slept with?”, or “How many girlfriends have you had?”
  • Talk about how much you love the man’s neighborhood and would love to live there

The dark torpedo – my preferred method and honestly I do this a bit subconsciously when I don’t even mean to go there.

  • Go on and on about my divorce
  • Talk about being on medication for my clinical depression due to my divorce
  • Ramble on about every ex-boyfriend I have had, or my ex-husband
  • Don’t ask the man any personal questions about himself
  • Discuss politics, history, world wars or something incredibly dark or horrible
  • Lament on all of my family drama and dysfunction
  • Say things like “I really shouldn’t be dating anyone right now”

The torpedo of darkness usually works, and the sad thing is that it sort of comes on me automatically.  It isn’t that I have a master plan and want to be mean, I just don’t watch my bad habits if I am not really into a guy.  And if he isn’t getting the hint I tend to lay it on even thicker.  I would rather have him think that I am broken and not available than to think it is something about him that I don’t like.  Because usually I don’t know why I am not attracted to the guy, I couldn’t tell you if you put a gun to my head.  It is just a quality that can’t be explained, but if it is not there, then it is not there.   I know I have gone through the opposite myself.

Some of my worst dating stories involve the following

  • A date who got noticeably offended and disgusted when I revealed I was from Missouri
  • Another man who bitched about an ex-girlfriend from….20 years ago.
  • A date who said his ex-wife was a bitch in the first five minutes
  • A date who proclaimed  “I don’t get emotionally attached” and then kept trying to steer the conversation to sex
  • A date who told me how much he missed his ex and hoped they would get back together
  • A man who openly told me he wanted to date a friend of mine – and yes this did happen.

If you are stuck in a situation where you think a guy is a decent fellow but you don’t really feel the urge to take the relationship further, use this as a simple guide to drive him away.  So far it has worked every time.  I accidentally learned these techniques from having one horrible date after another and trying to date too soon after I got divorced.   And if you meet a guy you actually want to see again, I strongly suggest you avoid doing any of the above, because you really want to look your best and not like a crazy clingy woman or a dark cloud of doom.

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Dating Online – The Insult Approach

insults [default recourse of the ignorant]

insults [default recourse of the ignorant] (Photo credit: the|G|™)

So online dating is a window into a portion of humanity that both fascinates and repulses me.  I have met people from walks of life I never would have normally.  Some of the interaction is positive as I get a fair share of compliments from men from all walks of life.  That part is extremely interesting to me, but since I am dealing with human beings of course there is a negative side as well.

The Insult Approach

I really don’t understand this one.  Here is a recent email I got on JDate.com.  The website I joined with the fewest members yet where I am most popular.  I guess it is the Shiksa effect.  I removed his name to protect his identity, but really what the hell was he thinking?

I just love everything you have to say, well perhaps not the 2 cats in a small apartment … and although being a classic liberal jew, not a big fan of unions … I can explain 

Would love to speak to you about it.

I mention in my profile, that since both of my parents were union for most of their careers, that I am a lifelong democrat.  And I am extremely pro-labor, probably more pro-labor than most democrats.  I also briefly mention that I live in a small studio apartment with two cats.  Meant as a slight self-deprecating joke, but true.  I actually prefer to live in a small space if I am living alone anyway.  I am not exactly a materialistic person.  I buy most of my clothing off of ebay and I ALMOST NEVER PAY RETAIL. I also don’t have cable, have a working television or a car.  I live simply and I like it that way. 🙂

So what is this idiot thinking?  If this was his attempt at humor, he missed the mark completely.  I have learned the hard way that sarcasm is difficult to pick up on in written form.  TRUST ME!  I still get in trouble with this all the time.  HA!   I have what I like to call “Foot in mouth disease!”  And I couldn’t even count how many times an attempt at a joke on Facebook or in an email missed its mark.  So when I communicate with complete strangers online, I try to leave the sarcasm out!

So what is he doing? Insulting me for living in a small apartment?  Insulting me for owning cats?  Well I am not giving them up for anyone, the only exception being if I had a child that was allergic.  I certainly wouldn’t give them up for a relationship!  I did that once and I would never do it again.  I am sorry I am not wealthy, I guess I need to step it up and get that bigger apartment in this dreadful economy as a working artist.  And then he bashes unions?  Well sir I don’t care if you are a big fan of them or not, I put that on my profile to weed out the libertarians and republicans.  Sure I have plenty of friends that are both, but I would usually avoid dating one.  I can’t say I would never date someone with different political leanings, but relationships are hard enough, and I am passionate about politics, so there is no way I am going to have THAT fight repeatedly for the rest of my life!  And what did he mean that

“I don’t like unions…I’ll explain”

What was he planning on some lecture on his view of economics?  SNORE!

I have also gotten things like, and these were all from men I DID NOT CONTACT in any way, these comments just showed up in my inbox.

  • I can’t believe you like the Beatles, that is so typical (I have nearly every song memorized!)
  • I guess you are just one of those bitches that only emails the mean boys – (I wasn’t even sure what this meant)
  • Why would you like nerdy smart guys?  What is wrong with you? (There is a problem with liking smart people?)
  • Why are you so uptight about your age range? – My age range is 33-43 (That is 10 years!)
  • I guess you have a basis against older men, you should really be more open-minded. (From a 55-year-old)
  • Vegetarians are losers! (Wow, well now that you said that total stranger bring on the bacon!)

I have heard that men get the same treatment.  Does this ever work?  Do men or women respond positively to the random insult?  Are some people secret masochists that think,

Hey now this is my kind of woman/man!  They already hate me!

Or maybe some folks out there who like a dominating partner, and this kind of

  • Let me tell you something sister…
  • Let me tell you how to live your life…
  • Or what you don’t understand is…

I guess some people like that sort of treatment, I can’t stand it. Generally speaking, if I want advice I ask for it, I absolutely hate unsolicited advice as I think most people do!

The passive aggressive approach of men and women who, resentful of a person they think may not respond to them otherwise, figure that getting a negative reaction is better than no reaction.  Sort of like the man on the street who will cat call a woman and then immediately insult her.  I remember one such instance, as I was crossing the street in Washington Heights, no makeup, my hair in a pony-tail while wearing big baggy jeans and a puffy coat, I hear this from a car waiting for the light to change.

Hey Sexy!”

When I don’t show any response, about 5 seconds later I hear

“Fat Ass!”

And  I am certain he couldn’t even see my ass, as my coat was covering it.  But whatever, sort of the same effect.  I did respond to Mr. let me insult your apartment, your cats, and unions.  I won’t print my response here, but it was something to the effect of

Sir, if this was your attempt at humor, you blew it.  You are blocked.

Oy Vey!

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