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Online Dating: We just aren’t that into you

Photoboothedit

This is for everyone who tries online dating.  I’m going to write it from a woman’s perspective, but I’ve heard numerous stories from men about this very universal problem.

On the first or second date a lot of guys assume the following

  • I’m madly in love with him
  • I want to have sex with him as soon as possible
  • I have an overwhelming desire to make-out or touch him
  • I’ve somehow had this long-enduring crush on him and FINALLY got up the nerve to ask him out
  • I’m completely sold, my date is the man of my dreams
  • I think he is my next husband, or I’m already dreaming of our nuptials
  • I just called my mom to tell her about how excited I am about this date

None of this is true.  I’m sure there are some women who really do think that when they go on dates with men they’ve met online.  There are always crazy people out there, but honestly most of women that I’ve talked to about online dating feel the following:

  • He doesn’t look like a serial killer
  • He’s alright, I hope he looks like his photos
  • I guess I could go out with him you never know
  • He sorta looks OK
  • He has nice eyes
  • He isn’t allergic to cats and lives in Brooklyn

That’s about as deep as it goes.  HONESTLY.  And this is usually what goes through my mind before a first date with a guy I met online:

  • Don’t let this date stretch on forever
  • I can’t spend a lot of money
  • I hope he isn’t psycho
  • I’m not sure if I even want to go through with this
  • I don’t want to put too much effort into this because most of these dates dont’ work out
  • Please don’t stalk me after this date
  • Maybe it’ll work out and I’ll go on date #2 with this one.

I actually do try to keep things positive, but this isn’t my first time at the rodeo.  I keep my expectations nice and realistic.  So when I meet a man online and he decides to take things physical way too soon, I just hate him.  A hookup site such as Tinder or Adult Friend Finder might be quite different, but most people don’t regard dating websites in the same way. If they are just looking for casual sex, they usually indicate it on their profile, or they should.  Because I’ve never had strong feelings towards a first date, I usually assume they don’t have strong feelings towards me.  No one really knows if there is actual attraction or chemistry until they physically meet.

I have had guys grab my hands, or put their arms around me when I have no real attraction to them, and it just makes me uncomfortable and I’m never sure how to handle it.

Where does this misperception come from?  I’m not sure, but I think it’s people of both genders assuming online dating is like regular dating.  When you were 20 years old, the sight of the cute boy in your biology class could make you weak at the knees.  The two of you would chat a bit and eventually the guy would finally make his move and ask you out.  Within hours you were cuddling in the booth of a diner asking about his favorite food, and his nickname in high school.  Online dating is just not like that. It’s two total strangers who thought from a few questions and photos that they MIGHT be attracted to each other.  With online dating you don’t even get the sense of physical chemistry you might get when meeting a guy in a bar.  It’s just so inorganic and actually goes against our instincts in almost every way.

Sure we know beforehand that the guy isn’t allergic to cats, lives near us and also likes goofy comedies, but at the end of the day that information isn’t going to make us weak in the knees when we are around them.  I’ve equated the whole endeavor to a crap shoot.  Sometimes you get lucky after the first roll of the dice, but most of the times you are both out of luck.  So fear not if your date seems bored and you just want to go home 15 minutes into it.  It’s not you, it’s not necessarily your date, it’s just random luck.  So gentlemen of online dating – please see these dates for what they are – two strangers just trying their luck at a seemingly impossible task. This isn’t college and you aren’t the cute boy in Biology class, but it’s OK.  We can’t go back to that simpler time in our lives, we just have to keep rolling the dice and hope that we eventually hit the jackpot.

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Dating Online: What’s in a Name?

Hello my name is

Hello my name is (Photo credit: maybeemily)

Dating profiles are little windows into a person’s psyche.  They say so much while saying so little at the same time.  I’ve tried nearly every service from eHarmony, match.com, OkCupid, chemistry to even Jdate.  I’m not Jewish but I live in New York City so I thought – why not?  So far nothing has worked.  I’m like a curious bystander staring at a crime scene or car accident, no matter how pathetic my online dating experiences have been, I just can’t tear myself away from the sites.  Pursuing profiles is like a huge sociology experiment.  If I have any advice on here to ANY MAN it would be this.

PLEASE HAVE A TRUSTED FEMALE FRIEND, WHO IS NOT YOUR MOTHER, LOOK OVER YOUR PROFILE BEFORE YOU PUBLISH IT.

I would repeat that three times for emphasis but I like to keep my word count under 1000 on this blog.

One of the things I learned quickly in regards to emails on OKCupid – A guy’s name says so much.  I get email all day on those sites. If a guy has a crazy name, I know it isn’t even worth opening anything until the next day.  Sometimes a name can actually ruin everything, in one case a man emailed me with a name that was a creative spelling of spermbank, yet when I looked at his profile he seemed perfectly normal.  I just couldn’t imagine though, going out on a date with a man who thought SPERMBANK was an appropriate name for a dating profile.  I write this with the intention of helping guys who are well intentioned but have no clue about how a name like, HappyHuggerGuy might come across to a woman.  The more extreme names like Slave4URFeet or BigSugarDaddyLvr will always be there, and easy to disregard.  But if you are a guy and you aren’t sure why your profile isn’t getting more email, or if your a woman and want to see some of the most tragic names I could find…this article is for you!  Most names fall into the following categories.

Sexy Names – must contain one or more of the following

  • 69
  • Deep, Long
  • Big, Huge,
  • Pulsing, Thorbbing
  • Girthy, Girth, Thick, Wide
  • Xrated
  • NSFW
  • Beast
  • Pervert, Perv
  • Naughty
  • CunnyLover
  • ThreeWay
  • Casual, NoStrings, Discrete
  • Honorable Mentions:
  • SpermBank
  • WellHungForFun
  • Youlllovemy
  • NiceGuyButNot
  • Longrider888

I Think the only thing I have to offer is MY MONEY 

  • SugarDaddy
  • Richboy
  • Ferrari, Lexxus, Porsche, Benz
  • HighRoller
  • BigPlayer
  • $$$$

I’m a Sensitive guy – these made my skin crawl more than any other category

  • Cuddles
  • Snuggles
  • Sweet4U
  • SensitiveLover
  • Sweetboy
  • Gentle
  • Lover, Loves, Lovey
  • Friendly
  • Huggs, Huggable, Hugger
  • Kisser, Kisses, Kissy
  • Lonely
  • Honorable Mentions
  • GentleLover4U
  • Mr.Cuddles
  • SnuggleBearLover
  • Soft_N_Gentle

The following are subcategories that depending on the woman could work.  After all, we are all quite different and if a woman specifically seeks a squirrel loving guy who is into BDSM and has a foot fetish – A name like SquirrelDomFootLuv – might be just the thing.  If you are into kinky and this is what you are looking for, by all means don’t hide it.  It’s always better to NOT surprise a potential partner

I’m Kinky or a have a Fetish

  • BDSM
  • Kinky, Kink,
  • Slave, Master, Slavery
  • Submissive, Sub, Dom, Dominant
  • Beat Me, Wimpy, Wimpee
  • LoveFeet, LoveBig, LoveCurves, TallChaser
  • Fisty – Couldn’t make that one up
  • Honorable Mentions
  • SlaveMasterDomme69
  • Mr.Wimppee
  • McFisty
  • WhipMeGuy4U
  • SlapSlaveAssMan

Spiritual – Again these would repulse me, but if you are a mystical sort seeking a similar type of gal, they could be perfect

  • Soul, Soulmate
  • Peaceful, Peace
  • Spirit, Spirit Guide, Searcher
  • Hippie
  • Mystical
  • Seeker, Visionary, Visions,
  • Dreamer, Dream,
  • SunGod, Goddess Seeker,
  • Healer
  • Evolved

Alternative Lifestyle Names – Again for the right girl, these could be just the thing

  • Vegan – probably the #1 I see in theis category.  I get it, as they are probably seeking another vegan.
  • Veggie, Veg
  • Yoga
  • Meditate

I might be Dangerous!

  • Rebel
  • Rogue
  • NoRules
  • Fire
  • Danger
  • Animal
  • Pirate
  • Spicy
  • HarleyMan888
  • Untamed
  • Maverick

Proud to be me

  • Geek, Geeky
  • Nerdy
  • Treker
  • Trekie
  • Robot
  • Gamer

The Classics – These are total cliches.  They aren’t terrible, just massively overused.

  • Guy4U, Guy4Ya, YourGuy
  • Mr.RightNow
  • PrinceCharming, Knight, Prince
  • GreatCatch
  • StopLooking, SearchEndsHere
  • I’mTheOne, TheOne
  • Popeye – I have no idea why this one is popular but I see it a lot
  • NormalGuy, GuyNextDoor, FavoriteGuy, Regular, Average
  • Smiler, Smiles, Smile
  • Boy, Boyz,
  • Johnny or Joe – both extremely popular
  • Happy, Nice, Fun
  • MacGyver – A LOT of guys make variations on that joke
  • Honorable Mentions
  • AllUNeedIsMe
  • AverageJoe4U
  • FoundIt
  • DoneSearching

Animals – Used a lot, not sure why.  

  • Ram
  • Tiger
  • Phoenix
  • Dog or Dawg
  • Monkey – extremely common – I have no idea why names like MonkeySmiler would help a guy out, but to each his own.

Inexplicable names – I have no idea what they were thinking…honestly I don’t.  These are all real names, I’m not kidding.

  • TurtleLover
  • SquirrelBoy
  • Beeswax
  • FrankenChicken
  • BreadPudding
  • BloodDonor
  • PumpkinHeart
  • Mudrunner – Could mean you’re into off-roading, but a woman probably won’t get the reference – this one is iffy.
  • Plopgasm
  • PappyAss – Personal favorite, as what the hell does it mean?  And how would it attract women?
  • MarriednDating

Boring Names – Include things like

  • Occupation
  • Hobby
  • Location – NY, SF, ATL
  • Age – 1973, 1984, 1968

I usually get attracted to a photo, and then I read the profile.  Those are the two things that grab me, a boring name will NOT turn me off.  My own name on the site is fairly boring.  However a super cheesy, overly sexual, creepy, cuddly name could hurt you.  So when in doubt just call your self NYCGuySohoDentist – You’ll probably get more email!

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Online Dating: Advice for Men – How to Pick a Good Photos for Your Profile

Scuba diver. Found at Plongée sous-marine & ob...

Image via Wikipedia

I am writing this because I just keep seeing the same thing over and over and it is making me crazy. I know most dating websites have general tips and tricks on picking the best profile photos.  I am not sure who is reading the advice given because I just checked my Match.com profile and in one day saw so many great examples of what NOT to do…I felt compelled…the blog must come out.

The absolute first thing you should do before publishing your profile or emailing anyone is: Have a trusted female friend look over your photos, your essay and everything else.  I cannot stress this enough.  Your mother doesn’t count.  You need a woman close to your age who knows you, and has your best interest at heart.  An ex-girlfriend is perfect, as long as you are on good terms.

Here are a few bad photo trends that I see repeatedly:

#1 – Bathroom Mirror Self-portrait – If you are really going to the full cliché then take every photo of yourself without a shirt.  Just make sure we can see the cell phone in the photo, and make it clear that you are in your bathroom.  Some men have nothing but shot after shot of themselves flexing in the mirror.  If you want to look like a Jersey Shore type of douche bag – this is the perfect way to make that happen.

#2 – A photos of yourself with an ex-girlfriend with the woman’s face blacked out –  When there is a big black box over the face of a former lover it speaks volumes. It says a lot about what you think of that person, and what it is saying is not very nice.  The same goes for the artful crop, that is we can tell that you have carefully cropped out a former girlfriend.  It’s fine on one photo but not so cool if all of your photos are like this.

3. Every photo is a group photo. – You would think this one would be obvious.  It says something about you if every single photo is a group photo…and what it is saying is that yes, you have friends..BUT you are hiding something…not good.

4. All of your photos are taken from a far distance. – I don’t get the landscape photos, or photos from vacation that include no humans whatsoever.  A photo of a nice sunset is lovely, but it says very little about what you look like.  When I see this, I just assume the man is married, or hideous.  It seems shady.  Don’t do it.

5. Really old photos – Some guys take this to the extreme, I have seen photos from the 1970’s complete with the yellowed sepia film and obvious hair and wardrobe choices that are clearly not from this decade.  It’s great if you had a wonderful bushy stash in the year in which I was born….but I would like to see what you look like now.

6. Nudity – The only exception to this rule is if you are looking for hook-ups or casual sex and you are making that very clear on the rest of your profile.  Then by all means…show the goods.  But there are sites for that sort of thing.  Generally speaking on most dating sites, nudity will get you kicked off and your photos will be taken down.  It is also probably not going to work as well as you think it is.  Women like a nice looking male body, but you run the risk of repulsing a lot of women.  It’s kind of like going up to a stranger and flashing them.  If you are at a swingers club, this behavior could be extremely welcome.  But if you are just standing on the street – women are libel to just run away from you.  Most women just aren’t wired in quite the same way as the average male. Also your body might not be as smoking hot as you think it is.  When in doubt – show a female friend and she what she thinks.

7. Scuba Gear – I have seen so many profiles in which the majority of photos are a man in scuba gear.  Not one photo, but every photo.  To me that says the man is either married, not confident in what he looks like, or embarrassed by being on an online dating site.   Well get over it and show your face!  Scuba gear gets its own category because it is nearly an epidemic online.  I have no explanation for it, but it drives me crazy!

8. Sports – Sure some women love sports maybe even more than you do, but if every single photo of yourself on your profile is one of you playing a sport, it might be a turn-off for some.  It’s not the worst thing you can do and it does say to any potential date…”I love sports!”  But you might want to throw in a straight shot of yourself just hanging out, instead of having every single shot in tiny running shorts covered in sweat.

9. Ironic boa, dress, women’s clothing – WHY? WHY? WHY do I keep finding these?  It’s just confusing unless cross dressing is your thing.   In one man’s profile,  half of his photos were in full drag, while the other half were in mens clothing.   He was open about being a cross dresser and I had to give him kudos for that.  Sure, he will turn off most women, but for the women who are actually seeking a cross-dresser the profile will be a magnet for them.  I all for honesty!  If you are cross dressing as an ironic joke, women who don’t know you may not get your sense of humor.

10. All Body shots, none of the face – This one just makes me think – married man. I’ve actually found numerous profiles like this where the man explains he is married and cheating on his wife.  One even said he was specifically not in an open marriage, nor was he polyamorous – he was just looking to cheat.  If you aren’t married, then why not show your face?  Nearly everyone tries online dating at some point.  There is no shame in looking for love online, and I have actually encountered a few men online with fairly high profile jobs.  Don’t hide.  If you want to look suspicious having no face shots is an easy way to do it.

11. Pay attention to your backdrop and details – I’ve seen many photos with men still wearing their wedding rings.  They could be old photos, but they are definitely sending a mixed message.  The married man who boasted about cheating on his wife had a baby fence behind him in one of his shots.  Sure it could have been for a dog, but it looked absolutely dreadful.

12. Only one shot – You can’t be bothered. And it increases the likelihood that you won’t look like this one photo.  I have found a good rule of thumb is 5-6 but it never bothers me when a man has 20, as long as 10 of them aren’t landscape shots. 

I know men read this blog, because I can tell when they search for it.  Hopefully some of them might re-think their online profile photos after they read this, but maybe not.  I want everyone to find the love of their life out there, so put your best face forward…and please show your freaking face!

Dating Online: Rejected by eHarmony? – Share your stories here!

So the title says it all. I had a horrible situation with eHarmony and I blogged about it. Then about a year later they sent my email an “icebreaker” from some user called “Craig”. I found that a bit crazy.  I had no account with them, so why was I getting an “ice breaker.”

This is exactly what they sent me, a member who hasn’t been active for a year.

Your profile just made Craig smile.

Breaking the ice is a fun way to start a conversation. Log in to check out Craig and decide if you want to make the next move.

“ I am most passionate about helping others … i like to see others succeed … where I have failed. ”

– Craig, 42 from , Lindenhurst, New York

So what is going on here? Poor Craig from Lindenhurst thinks I am on the site.  When I tried to unsubscribe, the link sent me to a page to re-activate my account.  Now that I have continued to blog about this, some unknown user harassed me on this blog.  Right after I basically shut that mess down, I had eHarmonyJack try to follow me on twitter.  I blocked him immediately.

eHarmony is either still using my account without my consent, or this “Craig” person doesn’t exist. I feel sorry for anyone who thinks I am still on the site.  It is really unethical for eHarmony to use defunct profiles as some type of bait for active members.

I think it is really sad that so many companies take advantage of people looking for love.  And why harass me or any other blogger?  The good folks at eHarmony should expect some dissatisfied customers.  Anyone who has had a bad experience should have every right to share it with the rest of the world.  Match.com, OKCupid and Jdate never sent me emails like this.

I have heard that eHarmony likes to tell people they are undesirable. Well consider this your forum.  If eHarmony deemed you unacceptable, or if you had a bad experience on the site, please share your stories here!

 

Dating Online – The man with no photos

So this one is as old as online dating itself, the man with no photos on his profile.  I have a firm warning on my profile that I basically don’t take a profile without photos seriously.  Nor should any woman.  The reason?  Well there are many but the main reason is that most men that are on online dating websites that won’t show their face are either married or involved with someone and looking to cheat.   Why wouldn’t they show their face?  It makes little sense.  So many people are on online dating sites now, that if a married man blatantly had a profile seeking another woman, chances are that friends or co-workers  of his wife or girlfriend might stumble upon his profile.  Openly putting yourself out there on a dating website when married is a very dangerous thing to do.  But take the photos off, change a few details about your occupation, change your age,  where you live and bingo, you have no created a new identity.  Maybe a woman who is naive enough to think that some unseen man has nothing to hide will fall for the ruse.   Most men use their occupation as the reason why they can’t show their face.  All of these are specific examples that I have gotten sometimes multiple times…

  • My job is very high-profile, it would be embarrassing for me to be on here –
  • It could potentially hurt my firm’s reputation if I am seen on a dating website – REALLY?  If they only knew how MANY people are on websites like Match.com at this point, there is hardly any shame in it anymore.  Or that somehow a business deal will go south because a potential client saw you on a dating website and decided you were unstable or something?  Well then what are they doing on the site in the first place?
  • I am a psychologist and it could make my relationship with my patients strained. – Do you think your patients are secretly in love with you or something?  What kind of piece of work writes that?

I have been on dates with people who I met online who have VERY high-profile jobs in their fields.  I won’t comment further, to protect others privacy  but the high-profile job excuse is poppycock.

One man tried to send me photos privately.   And I still have no idea what that was supposed to prove?  OK so I see what he looks like, but again he isn’t willing to expose himself on the site itself, so NO DICE!  I sent him a polite, sorry this doesn’t cut it email and he went off on me in an angry tirade full of venom and vitriol.  I know I can come across as too blunt in written form, but I think I dodged a major bullet with that psycho!  Not only was he probably married, but he had some anger issues!

I am sure that there are women doing the exact same thing on dating websites.  Although since men tend to be more visually orientated than women, I wonder how effective the no photo approach would work.  They probably pull the same tactic, of I will send you photos privately.  It is hard to believe that people would fall for that, but loneliness can really pull a person down into despair, after a while any glimmer of hope starts to look promising.

One no-photo man recently contacted me and because I was in a slightly angrier than usual mood, I sent him a blunt reply basically saying that no woman would take him seriously without photos.  He posted photos within the hour of opening my email!  He wasn’t my type, so I didn’t feel like I missed the boat on that one after scolding him for not showing his mug.

And when in doubt, even if you meet someone online with photos and you buy their story about being single or divorced IMMEDIATELY google their full name when you get home, and if they claim they are divorced google their name and the word wife.  You would be surprised how much information is readily available on the internet at no cost whatsoever.  In one case, I googled a man’s name found his ex-wife’s profile on Facebook and found her listed as single.  That made me feel a million times better, but if it had said married, he would have never heard from me again.  You really can never be too careful, the nature of online dating makes it far too easy for men and women who want to cheat.

Dating Online – The Super Negative profile

English: Angry cat

English: Angry cat (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So I did another search on Match.com tonight and at first glance this guy seemed all right but then I read this…and I am going to break it down into sections…

  • Professional looking for a modern, emancipated, attractive, sane (!!), affectionate, feminine, open-minded, sexy, and sexual woman.

So OK, the sexual part is a bit off-putting as it can come across as kind of creepy.  And he did write it twice, sexy and sexual, so we get it, you are a man who likes sex…shocking!  And sane?  Well who really thinks they are insane?  I think insanity is a relative term.  I dress up in wigs and yell into microphones all over the city for about $40-75 a show and during the day I perform for children as Lulu the clown or paint faces of the extremely rich and privileged.  All in hopes that I might one day get a comedy, voice over or commercial career.  Many would call that insanity.  Even I call it insanity, but I digress.

  • She should be down-to-earth and comfortable in the local diner as much as in a 5 star restaurant. No prude goody-two-shoes or Manhattan socialites, please. I can meet those any day in the city…I am European, liberal, very open-minded and am looking for my match.

OK dude I am with you!  But European causes some red flags in my head.  Are you going to want to move back?  Are you looking for a green card?  It is not a HUGE red flag, but it is something to mention as I love living in New York and I NEVER WANT TO MOVE!  And no goody-two-shoes?  What does that mean?  I don’t drink, smoke or do drugs so some might call me a goody-two-shoes, but I also perform extremely raunchy adult themed material both in stand-up and in the burlesque community.  So I don’t know if in this guy’s book I would be a goody-two-shoes or not!  I guess I ride that Madonna/Whore conflict in my persona a bit on the razor’s edge.  I would definitely not call myself a prude…if you listen to any of my song lyrics…the word prude wouldn’t really come to mind.   But then he wrote this, and any lingering desire I had to wink at him or send him an email disappeared.

After a few weeks on here, I’d also like to add:

  • if you have pictures of you cuddling with your dog/ cat
  • excessive nature pictures
  • pictures of gardens of cherry-blossoms
  • write that you “like the finer things in life”
  • carry around a tiny dog, like a chihuahua, in a luxury bag and refer to it as your “baby”
  • had so much plastic surgery that you start to look like the cat woman
  • every one of your kids is from a different father
  • we are NOT a match. Guaranteed.

Dude!  It is one thing to bitch about these things on a blog, and another thing entirely to put these on your profile where you think potentially interested women might read it…HA! 🙂

I get him on the gold digger hints, the multiple baby daddies…those are obvious red flags.  Although babies and baby daddy situations can be tricky, so it is hard to put a blanket statement out there like that.  As I have know some very stable men and women who might have children with more than one partner.  But in general it is a red flag, I will give him that.

But I call my cats my babies and treat them almost like they are my children.  So what?  And what is wrong with nature shots?  I don’t have any on my profile and they are a bit odd, but who cares?  And he doesn’t like people cuddling with their pets?  That is strange, why would that illicit such a negative reaction in a person?

My hunch is that he is angry and frustrated from the dating process.  Maybe he is the sweetest man on the planet, but online dating is not like ordering a sandwich.  Sure I would prefer someone age appropriate, at least my height, not in the entertainment business and stable…so I get it.  But to put an angry laundry list ON YOUR PROFILE?  I am sure he is still getting multiple emails from multiple women with the very things he describes.  And at the same time driving women like myself away.  Because most people don’t read your profile, yet the slightly more “sane” women do.   So way to go Mr. Angry European for making my online experience that much more entertaining and draining.  HA!  🙂

5/26/11

I just got this one today and I had to add it.  I really felt for this guy as I have been ignored countless times from men online after I sent a short email or wink, so I get it.  But this man shouldn’t have this on his profile, I can’t imagine any woman would send him an email after reading this.  I felt so strongly that I actually sent him a short note basically saying, look, if you only knew what women go through on these sites.  I have had more men personally attack me for no reason than I can to mention.

The first thing I need to say to any woman who reads my profile and is interested in meeting me: SAY SO. Send me a message and invite me to meet you.  I’ve sent several hundred messages to several hundred women of all different types, from all kinds of backgrounds. Each one of them was at least 95% match, 85% friend, and less than 10% enemy. Most were over 98% match.

Aside from ONE woman, I have been utterly ignored.
No “no thank you,” no “you’re not my type, sorry.”

In the words of Steve Buscemi from Fargo: “TOTAL FUCKING SILENCE”

And I ask you, who would respond positively to a profile that starts out like that?  I can’t imagine.  I really do empathize with his situation, but his profile is not helping.   What is that phrase again?  “There is a reason why they are single”

Dating Online: eHarmony is useless!

This has got to be an eHarmony date.

This has got to be an eHarmony date. (Photo credit: David Reber’s Hammer Photography)

eHarmony – The reasons why I absolutely loathe your site.  

Too many suburban matches – I honestly felt bad for these guys because many of them tried to contact me, and I didn’t see the point.  I live in a city with 8 million people, I shouldn’t have to date someone in the suburbs when I have no reliable way of getting to them on a regular basis.

Too many matches that did not meet even minimum criteria – location, height, religion, political affiliation, etc.  Sending me multiple “matches” that were well below my own height?  Sure some guys might be fine with this but many don’t like dating women more than a couple of inches taller than them.  Also I clearly said all over the questionnaire that I was agnostic and NOT RELIGIOUS! I would rather have fewer matches that actually fit my criteria rather than have hundreds of men that did not come even close to what I had indicated in my preferences.  I could just get that from a non-premium free site.  I also questioned the validity of a questionnaire that sent me men with CAT ALLERGIES!

Long process to delete a match – To get rid of a match is a two-step process.  It doesn’t seem so bad but when a person has so many bad matches, it’s an extremely tedious process to get rid of them.

Too many matches with no photo – eHarmony is hardly cheap.  If I am paying a premium for the service, I should not have to waste my time with profiles that don’t have at least one photo.

High Cost – The lock you into a three-month contract and have auto-renewal, I made sure my account did not auto-renew, but it is difficult to make sure that it doesn’t happen.

No Gays Allowed – I didn’t know that when I signed up.  And had I known it, I probably wouldn’t have signed up.  I am not gay but I don’t see anything wrong with being gay.

Questionable matching process – Suburban cops?  REALLY?  I am a creative stand-up comic, emcee and singer with a degree in Theater and Music, call me crazy but I don’t think a COP is probably my best match. I don’t think most suburban cops would think I was their best match.  The amount of law enforcement matches was baffling to me.

Unethical practices – eHarmony recently sent me an email completely out of the blue claiming a member was sending me an “icebreaker”. I found this highly shady since I hadn’t been a member now for a year.  I went to “unsubscribe”, but the link took me to a page to re-register my account.  I could find no way to contact the company other than to sign up again for a service which I absolutely hated.  So they are either using phony profiles to try to lure old members back to their site, or they are using deleted and deactivated accounts as bait for current members.  I responded to their email basically saying there were committing fraud and threatened to expose them on this very blog.  I decided to not wait for a response, as the whole experience really made my skin crawl.

The Incident that made me shut down my account 

I went on eHarmony to answer an email from a “MATCH!”  On eHarmony I get a ton of matches, but most of them live extremely far away, or are horrible.  Despite their claims of superior matching abilities eHarmony doesn’t seem to pay attention to things like height, or religion as they have sent me more than one 5’2″ devout Christian. A man’s height is not a deal breaker but a deeply religious man is definitely a bad match for an agnostic, at least this agnostic.  I find it all very frustrating since I spent an hour filling a long questionnaire when I signed up.

I finally had one member contact me who lived in Manhattan.  I really didn’t have strong feelings for him as he was average looking and his profile didn’t say much.  He lived in Manhattan though and wasn’t a cop!  eHarmony loves matching me with members of suburban law enforcement.  I have no idea why!

I thought, let’s try this so I started to do their whole question back and forth thing.  On eHarmony unlike other sites has a very rigid way of communication.  We had to go through a series of questions before setting up a date.  He asked for my top favorite albums of all time, and the last five albums I listened to recently. It get why he might think that was important, but it seemed rather trivial.  Asking about one’s favorite bands was something we did in college right?  Like most people, I don’t buy full albums very often but I managed to cobble a list for him. He also asked me to type random things about myself and I obliged.  I became aggravated because after several steps, and a lot of time and energy, I still knew next to nothing about this person.

His response, over a week later was to tell me he was allergic to cats.  I wondered why eHarmony matched us in the first place since I think I had indicated strongly my cats and I were a packed deal. Things really got strange when he attacked me personally for my accordion, my ukulele and my use of punctuation.   I admit maybe my punctuation wasn’t perfect, but it was online correspondence and he had asked for random things.  I think I just gave him a list, and I was trying to write in these tiny boxes that eHarmony uses for its forms.  I’m sure I wrote in fragmented and run-on sentences.  Compared to the writing style I usually see on dating websites my prose was on par with Hawthorne or Poe.  I guessed what upset him is that from the time he first emailed me until his second response, I had tried to shut down my account.  I wasn’t that interested anyway and I hadn’t heard from him in over a week. He must have taken this personally or as some type of snub and thought his best defense was a good offense.  I had gotten hostile reactions from men online before, but it was a little unsettling to get it on an expensive premium site, especially one that brags about it’s screening process.

So I told Mr. What are your favorite albums where he could stick it.   During my three-month membership I went on zero dates and found most matches inappropriate or unpractical.  I honestly couldn’t imagine dating someone in central New Jersey, Long Island or Connecticut as I would never see them.

Overall I would never recommend the site.  If they’ve matched people it’s by luck and not their expensive service.

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Dating Online: I am a Closet Case Magnet!

A wall closet in a residential house in the Un...

A wall closet in a residential house in the United States. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I have horrible and lingering doubts about if I will ever have a significant relationship with a heterosexual man.  I know this is paranoid thinking, but is it? I don’t know or meet a lot of age appropriate men that I would want to date in my social or professional circles.  So like a lot of people in my situation I turned to online dating.  Match.com, OKCupid and eHarmony, and I hate to admit it but…..I seem to be a closet case magnet.  Something about me must attract men who are not quite sure or their sexual orientation, desperate to cover it up.  Is it my take no prisoners personality?  My blonde hair?  My obnoxious stage persona?  I have no idea. So far I have been extremely passive on the sites, I usually don’t go out looking for men, instead I wait for the men to come to me.  I get anywhere from 1-10 emails a day.  Out of the men that have emailed me or “winked” at me I have seen the following….. Photos of them dressed in the following

  • A feather boa
  • A tiara
  • A skirt or dress
  • Women’s wigs
  • Pink Leotard – It was a ballroom dancing photo and he looked quite happy wearing it.

Of course there is nothing wrong with a man who wears pink, or dons a tiara as a joke, and many cross dressers are actually straight men.  But when a profile looks and reads like a gay man’s profile – that’s a red flag. My favorite profile is another man’s description of himself (I edited it a touch to protect his identity)

I love watching old movie classics, listening to music and singing (especially Nat King Cole)good conversations about “great” literature (Les Miserables, Sister Carrie, Anna Karenina and modern history,dining out, wine tastings, going for long walks in Central Park, doing impersonations, watching plays (I have acted off-broadway), learning historical trivia & sharing it, learning languages, going shopping with a date and helping her select and buy a new dress (and all she needs to wear with it)!!
I wanted to grab this man by both shoulders, look him directly in his eyes and say – “You’re GAY!  You know you’re gay.  You’ve probably known since you were very young that you like other boys.  Maybe you think you can run from it, hide it or suffocate those feelings.  But I KNOW DEEP IN MY HEART, that you will be so much happier when you just accept who you are and celebrate it.  Stop trying to live a lie and start living!”
And then today there was this, the man only had two photos of himself and this was one of them.
Nothing gay about a unicorn pissing a  rainbow with a hot male human ass?  I think he thought it was funny, but it just sent a huge mixed message.
Online dating seems to attract men who have had problems dating in real life.  I would be the amount of closeted homosexuals on dating websites is actually higher than the general population.  Out of frustration and a deep desire to live as someone they’re not, they turn to the internet to order up a girlfriend or a bride.  Despite their attempts to mask their true sexual orientation, it’s usually quite apparent.  Of course there is a spectrum, and they could be bisexual or just very feminine men, but in most cases I would suspect these guys are just kidding themselves.
I got stuck on an actual date with a man who had claimed he was 43 on his profile only to admit he was 51 on our date.  He had every stereotypical mannerism of a gay man, but he really convinced me of his inner self loathing when he made a homophobic remark.  One of the ways I pay my rent is by working as a face and body painter. He wanted to see some photos of my work on my phone.   When he got to one of a gay man he said, “That’s gross.  I don’t like that design.  He looks ridiculous”  I had shown that same photo to countless people and never had that reaction.  It was completely clear to me he really hated himself, and was just projecting his own self-loathing onto another human being.  Online dating isn’t going to fix anyone’s sexual orientation.   I wish these men would learn to love themselves as they are, and embrace their homosexuality.  Until then I’ll avoid the boa wearers, the men who claim their love for Madonna, and the self-loathing homophobes.
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Dating Online – The Dick Pic

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So what is a Dick Pic aka Cock Shot?  A photo usually sent via text or email, where a man shows off his penis. Some are close-ups of just the genitalia, others are full nude body shots.  The boldest dick pics include a face usually with a sexy expression.  Most are selfies taken with a mirror and a camera phone, but I’ve even got a few professionally done artistic shots in my inbox.  It’s such an epidemic, that nearly every single woman I know has gotten dick pics and often from men they’ve never even met.  Although I’ve never asked for one, I collect the photos I’ve gotten in a secret album in my phone.  I call it my dick pic collection and I openly mock it in my stand-up act.

Men who send dick pics must think: What would I really love to see about a woman I don’t know?

HER VAGINA!

And really bravo to men who like vaginas!  I know most straight men love them, and it is beautiful when men get excited about the wonderful universe that is female genitalia!

Women aren’t as visually stimulated as men are sexually.   If women really loved disassociated penises, we would just spend our days flipping through photo after photo of dick picks.  There would be websites and magazines dedicated to cock shots and dick pics.  Sure someone did dedicate a tumblr account to the anaconda between Jon Hamm’s legs, but for the most part pornography for women is much less graphic or visual.  Women consume porn is in the form of romance novels, erotica and soft core cable television.  If women desired the same type of visual stimulation and graphic sex that men did, then our country would be littered with strip clubs filled with naked men grinding on poles and doing lap dances.  Sure a few exist but they are mostly a novelty and nowhere near as prevalent as clubs geared towards straight men.  Men and women just aren’t wired in the same way.

An unusually large penis is not necessarily attractive to all women.  Just because something looks mighty and large doesn’t mean it’s a lot of fun.   As with many skills in life, it is not so much the tool as it is the technique. An erect penis is just so intimidating.  It says only one thing – this is the size of my dick.  It doesn’t indicate if a man is a good lover or a boring one. and it doesn’t let a woman know if he’ll be selfish or a bore. Good sex is much more than a big penis.

In our virtual world of streaming porn and instantly downloaded images of just about anything, the dick pic has become almost mundane.  Until recently they even showed up on online dating profiles.  In the past couple of years most sites have gotten better about filtering them out, but I did come across a few profiles that puzzled me. The primary photo was usually an erect penis covered only by briefs a towel, but then the rest of the profile read completely normal, as if the man was looking for a serious relationship.

“I just want to meet a nice girl who I can hang out with”

“My friends say I am one of the sweetest guys you’ll ever meet”

“I’m really close to my family and my mom.”

“I just want to meet a nice girl who will want to watch movies with me.”

“I would love to meet someone who sees the world in the same way I do, who is kind and caring and has a sweet heart.”

“My favorite books and movies are…”

When reading this profiles I couldn’t help but be distracted by their throbbing manhood.  It trumped everything.  I can understand using a cock shot in a hook-up site like Adult Friend Finder or tinder, but it just seems like overkill if a guy is really looking for something more.

If a woman just wants an emotionally detached sexual experience, she doesn’t need to know what your favorite movies are or that you are close to your mom.  Actually the fact that you brought your mother up at all when your main photo is of a cock is not only weird, it’s downright creepy.

f the men who post cock shots and dick picks are just looking for a hook-up situation, I understand why they would want to show off their sex organ. But then their profiles should convey as much. For instance in the About Me section, they should just write.

I am looking to hook up with women who live near me, I live in Williamsburg and I love oral sex.

That kind of profile goes with a Dick Pic, but

“I am just looking for the right girl, are you out there?”

That doesn’t really go with LOOK AT MY ERECT PENIS!

But now I wonder, what is a female Dick Pic?  Not in a literal sense of course, but what would men consider a red flag on a woman profile.  What would be something that might indicate a jump from zero to sixty?

  • Typing long-winded descriptions of our perfect man
  • Putting photos of our cats in our profile
  • Writing about biological clocks ticking
  • Smiling while wearing a wedding dress with a caption that reads – I want to get married so badly!
  • Mentioning our emotional problems, mental illness or therapy
  • Writing about past relationships
  • Posting a photo of yourself wearing sweats and eating ice cream
  • Having men in our of our photographs
  • Writing about past substance abuse problems

I’m sure some women out there get excited about dick pics.  After searching through so many boring faces, they stumble along a giant penis and think to themselves – FINALLY!  But I feel safe in saying, for the majority of straight women we would rather see one after we get to know you.

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