Dear Stranger from out of town, I’m not an unpaid prostitute.


Online dating is the social experiment that keeps on giving.  I’m always amazed at hidden agendas it reveals.  If I select that I’m looking for casual sex in my profile, I will literally get over 100 emails in a 24 hour period.  Men are looking for no strings attached sex, but few will be completely open about their intentions.  One of the strangest phenomena are men from out-of-town who seek sex with New York City women.  My inbox overflows requests like these, yet nothing on my profile indicates that I’m looking for hook-ups.  A typical email goes like this:

I think you’re hot. I’m going to be in New York City next week and I’d love to hook-up if you’re game for that sort of thing. If you aren’t, then my apologizes.

The straight forward approach is a bit unnerving, but they are easy enough to dismiss.   I always admire anyone who has the courage to ask for what they want.  As I’ve said many times on this blog, I wish more men were open and honest.  For every email like that one, I get about 10 of these:

I really think we have a connection. Even though we haven’t met, I can tell from your profile that you’re a caring and loving woman. Something about your eyes, and smile are so inviting to me.  I also think we have a lot in common, and we’d have a great time together.  I’ll only be in town for a week, and I really need someone to show me around the city. I know I could just sit in my hotel room in between my work, but I’d rather spend it with someone special like you.

Those make me want to vomit. It’s also an obvious cut and paste.  A guy will send the same email to dozens of women hoping one will bite.  My profile is mostly random movie quotes.  A savvier man will comment on the films I’ve quoted, or at least acknowledge that my profile is slightly unconventional.  Talking about my eyes, smile or the many things we have in common is intentionally vague.  Every woman has eyes, and most are smiling in at least one photo – so I guess a few might fall for complete drivel like that.  Others might realize the guy is a total phony but they think he’s attractive enough for a one-night stand.

Then we have the truly slime inducing ones:

Look, I’m going to be in New York City next week.  I’m going to be extremely busy.  Maybe if you’re hot enough in person, I’ll make some time for you.  You won’t regret it but you’d better be hot, or forget it.  I’ve got nine inches of pure manhood and I love to make hot chicks moan.

Luckily men like this are rare.  When I’ve gotten emails like these I’ve responded, “Why aren’t you on tinder” or “Hire a prostitute” or “I don’t need an out-of-town STD.”

Usually the men who proposition me for such liaisons aren’t exactly drop dead gorgeous, but a few have been.  I’ve still never taken the bait.  I’m not comfortable with these situations for a number of reasons.

  • Are these men married? Who knows?
  • Safety issues – Theft, sexual assault or worse
  • Drugs – Will I be slipped something that will knock me out?  Will the man be blazed out of his mind?
  • Privacy – Photographs, video, webcams – technology has gotten so small anything is possible
  • Unusual requests, unexpected kinky sex, inappropriate boundaries

The last one is in all caps for a reason.  Sex with strangers is like rolling the dice, you really have no idea if you are going to have a steamy, hot night of passion or an awkward, uncomfortable evening of disappointment.  Simply put sex with a total stranger, is sometimes not just mediocre but downright scaring.  Most of the time when men have sex, they’ll at least have an orgasm.  Any woman knows we aren’t always as lucky.  A selfish or unskilled lover can make the entire enterprise one long night we wish we could forget forever.

Women also get hit up for free sex all the time.  If I want no strings attached sex I can probably get that from someone I already know and trust a bit.  I also don’t need a girlfriend or wife tracking me down weeks or months later when they’ve discovered an “affair” which was really just a random hook-up.

Overall these requests make me feel like I have no value.  A sex worker might put up with strange sexual requests, a selfish one-sided lover or an uncomfortable experience.  A prostitute at least gets paid, and usually quite well for their services.  Of course some women love the turn on of having sex with a total stranger who they will never see again.  However most women who want hot sex from out-of-town men are on hook-up sites like Adult Friend Finder and Tinder.  It’s a bit of a leap for any man to assume all women want this type of sexual experience.

Basically. if you want to buy shoes, don’t go to a hat store.  Plenty of women are waiting for your emails you just need to look for them on sites specific to your search.  Sex workers are also always available, they might be pricy but there’s nothing wrong with an agreed upon transaction between consenting adults.  Never assume the average gal on OKCupid or is waiting for your “Nine inches manhood.”  We know it’s probably closer to six inches anyway. 🙂

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Dating – The Old Carrot and Stick Approach

Carrot & Stick, is an idiom that refers to a p...

Carrot & Stick, is an idiom that refers to a policy of offering a combination of rewards and punishment to induce behavior. Türkçe: Havuç ve sopa, İngilizce deyim. İyi davranışı ödüllendirme, kötü davranışı da cezalandırma anlamına gelir. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)


So if you are not familiar with the phrase “Carrot and Stick” I don’t know the origin but it refers to the act of getting  a donkey to move by placing a dangling carrot on the end of a stick near his nose to temp forward motion.  The act is somewhat cruel in that the donkey keeps thinking it will get the carrot, but no matter how hard it tries, the carrot is always just out of its reach.


I have really been out of the dating pool for almost a decade, and I can’t say I am doing well in my attempts at dating in any capacity.  I attract lots of age inappropriate men, both too young and too old.  I also attract plenty of men who just want to have a sexually based relationship with as little emotional attachment possible.  And I attract stalker types, which are the most distressing.


But since I have been out of it for so long, one change that I have seen since my twenties is the “carrot and stick” approach so many men use when trying to win me over.  Sometimes there are subtle and sometimes they are not so subtle.


  • I could get you voice over work
  • You know I could open up some professional opportunities for you
  • I could get you a job in my office
  • I could record your demo in my recording studio
  • I would be your sugar daddy (And yes, that was the exact phrase )


Now as someone who has worked in the entertainment industry, I can assure you the casting couch is alive and well.  Sometimes it is subtle such as


  • “I think we need to spend some time together before I take you on as a client, can I take you out for a drink?”


and sometimes not so subtle


  • “If you sleep with me, I will make sure you get a part in my next project.”


Most of western culture has been set up this way for centuries.  Up until recent history women were relegated to little more than another piece of property to barter and trade.  So since women are in some ways still viewed as a commodity, some men think they need to offer up something in return for our companionship and loving devotion.  And women do this too, not only do they play into these informal bargaining agreements, they also openly sell their wares in the form of prostitution or they many variations of relationships that have some direct monetary incentive involved.  Straight women, gay women, gay men, straight men, bisexuals and transgendered there are examples of this across the spectrum.  I don’t judge others actions or life choices.  If this type of situation works out for both parties, then it really isn’t my concern.  But this is not what I want in a relationship.


For me I just see it has a profoundly insecure thing to do on the part of the man.  I mean when do these situations work out well?  And wouldn’t they want a woman to like them for who they are rather than for what they may or may not give them?  Some guys go out of their way to become sugar daddies, thinking that the more money, power and influence they can throw around the more USDA prime pussy they can attract.  But to most of the outside world, the older man with the much younger and more attractive woman is something to pity, not envy.   Even men will comment on how pitiful some of these situations appear.  We can never say what is actually going on in any relationship like these because maybe the woman is indeed attracted to man’s winning personality.  A twenty year age difference? Maybe.  It really does depend on the specific individuals.  But a thirty or forty year age difference?  Isn’t it just obvious that the younger party is in it for something more than the sparkling personality, charm and sex appeal of the older partner?


Typical scenarios include the young widow suing the rest of the family for a larger share of her inheritance, the much younger bride openly carrying on with the pool boy, the younger wife murdering her wealthy husband for the insurance money and inheritance.  The stepchildren annoyed and humiliated by the new spouse who is only a couple of years their senior.  The gold digger who publicly degrades the entire families reputation.  And then there is the celebrity or wealthy businessman that keeps trading in wives every few years for the younger version.


What is a relationship anyway?  Just another extension of our capitalistic based religion of free markets and constant never-ending growth?  Are spouses and partners merely an extension of how well we are doing in the world?


I was briefly what is commonly described as a “trophy girlfriend” many years ago.  At first it was exciting to date someone with a high paying fast-moving career, but then the shine wore off.  After all a trophy is just supposed to sit on the shelf and look pretty.  It isn’t supposed to have a point of view, or talk, or decide its own future, its own destiny or have any obligations whatsoever except to the person who put it on the shelf.  So after that brief relationship I adopted a new rule, a person doesn’t have to be overly ambitious or well off.  My only criteria is that they not be as bad off as myself.  And I make next to nothing, so that includes nearly every man I know.  🙂


I don’t trust the “carrot” and I wish men would stop pulling this crap on me.  I want to make my own money, and control my own life.  Right now I am in a bit of a funk and maybe that is what is really causing this phenomena.  They see a weakness and pounce.  I would rather meet someone who just liked me and supported what I did, and didn’t try to win me over with promises of materialistic and monetary glory.   Don’t we all want that?  Someone who will support us, not overly judge us, and not try to change or mold us into some idealized version of perfection?  Maybe I am just naive in thinking that this isn’t just how things go, or maybe guys in their twenties simply didn’t have anything to offer, and that is why this is all new to me.   In any event I find it rather sleazy.  I want to grow my own carrots and eat them when I feel like, and have a partner that is perfectly OK with that situation.  Is that really so crazy a concept?




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