Anyway this is meant as self-deprecating humor.  I am after all a comedian.  I am a lousy dater because for my entire adult life I have been a serial monogamist so I really don’t know how to do the date thing.  I talk to much, I reveal too much, and I am too hyper…but I am hardly nasty and I have heard so many stories from both genders of people being extremely mean or shallow on these dates…so please anyone reading this…the piece was meant as satire, self-parody…don’t take it so seriously!  YIKES! 

Dating is not marriage, dating is one big job interview after another.  Marriage is trying to keep the job you have had for years already have interesting and exciting.  Going from a long-term marriage to the dating pool is rough, I have no idea what I am doing, but I do know when a date is clearly not going to work out.  And to avoid having “the talk” with some guy I barely know, I tend to instead self-sabotage the whole endeavor.   The “talk” is the short brief chat about why I don’t think we are compatible as a romantic couple.  I don’t like getting “the talk” from a man who isn’t interested in me, and I hate giving it.  Since I date mostly men I meet online, it is a total crap-shoot.  I can’t really tell much from a profile, and I have no idea if I will end up having any type of connection with the person.  Most of the time I don’t, and that is not their fault, but merely the nature of the beast.  I don’t get offended or upset when I can tell a man is not viewing me as a potential match.  It is the meeting of two total strangers, it is rare when sparks fly.

I don’t really understand what makes attraction work, but I do know that on a few dates I wanted to crawl over the table and start making out with a guy I had just met.  I didn’t publicly make-out with a total stranger, but in the two times that I have felt that right away, I ended up briefly dating those men.   The two suitors looked nothing alike and had totally different personalities, I can’t explain why both of them were appealing to me, but there it is.  When the initial attraction is not there and the conversation is forced or awkward, then it is time to have “the talk” or resort to self-sabotage.

There are generally two methods of self-sabotaging a date.  The first I call the super clingy needy crazy girl, sometimes the super clingy needy girl act can backfire, and it also makes you look crazier.

• Talk about marriage immediately
• Talk about babies immediately, wanting to have babies, your friends babies etc. anything about babies
• Discuss with your date things that you will do in the far future, things like “I can’t wait to hang with you at Christmas!”
• Ask way too many super personal questions right off the bat, such as “How many women have you slept with?”, or “How many girlfriends have you had?”
• Talk about how much you love the man’s neighborhood and would love to live there

The dark torpedo – my preferred method and honestly I do this a bit subconsciously when I don’t even mean to go there.

• Go on and on about my divorce
• Talk about being on medication for my clinical depression due to my divorce
• Ramble on about every ex-boyfriend I have had, or my ex-husband
• Don’t ask the man any personal questions about himself
• Discuss politics, history, world wars or something incredibly dark or horrible
• Lament on all of my family drama and dysfunction
• Say things like “I really shouldn’t be dating anyone right now”

The torpedo of darkness usually works, and the sad thing is that it sort of comes on me automatically.  It isn’t that I have a master plan and want to be mean, I just don’t watch my bad habits if I am not really into a guy.  And if he isn’t getting the hint I tend to lay it on even thicker.  I would rather have him think that I am broken and not available than to think it is something about him that I don’t like.  Because usually I don’t know why I am not attracted to the guy, I couldn’t tell you if you put a gun to my head.  It is just a quality that can’t be explained, but if it is not there, then it is not there.   I know I have gone through the opposite myself.

Some of my worst dating stories involve the following

• A date who got noticeably offended and disgusted when I revealed I was from Missouri
• Another man who bitched about an ex-girlfriend from….20 years ago.
• A date who said his ex-wife was a bitch in the first five minutes
• A date who proclaimed  “I don’t get emotionally attached” and then kept trying to steer the conversation to sex
• A date who told me how much he missed his ex and hoped they would get back together
• A man who openly told me he wanted to date a friend of mine – and yes this did happen.

If you are stuck in a situation where you think a guy is a decent fellow but you don’t really feel the urge to take the relationship further, use this as a simple guide to drive him away.  So far it has worked every time.  I accidentally learned these techniques from having one horrible date after another and trying to date too soon after I got divorced.   And if you meet a guy you actually want to see again, I strongly suggest you avoid doing any of the above, because you really want to look your best and not like a crazy clingy woman or a dark cloud of doom.

Related articles

• Date Me, Not My Uterus (bycommonconsent.com)
• Sex After Divorce: The Do’s And Don’ts Of Having Casual Sex After Divorce (huffingtonpost.com)
• Post-divorce rebound: A requisite heart pummeling (wealthysinglemommy.com)
• Tales From The NYC Dating Scene (huffingtonpost.com)
• Love snobs killing shot at happiness (dailytelegraph.com.au)
• Vulnerability Alert: Thoughts on Dating (managingfibro.net)
• Don’t sabotage your relationships (ramsonmumba.wordpress.com)
• Tips for Dating After Divorce (herstontennesseefamilylaw.com)
• Dating Online: The Coward (julietjeske.wordpress.com)

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