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Dear Stranger from out of town, I’m not an unpaid prostitute.

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Online dating is the social experiment that keeps on giving.  I’m always amazed at hidden agendas it reveals.  If I select that I’m looking for casual sex in my profile, I will literally get over 100 emails in a 24 hour period.  Men are looking for no strings attached sex, but few will be completely open about their intentions.  One of the strangest phenomena are men from out-of-town who seek sex with New York City women.  My inbox overflows requests like these, yet nothing on my profile indicates that I’m looking for hook-ups.  A typical email goes like this:

I think you’re hot. I’m going to be in New York City next week and I’d love to hook-up if you’re game for that sort of thing. If you aren’t, then my apologizes.

The straight forward approach is a bit unnerving, but they are easy enough to dismiss.   I always admire anyone who has the courage to ask for what they want.  As I’ve said many times on this blog, I wish more men were open and honest.  For every email like that one, I get about 10 of these:

I really think we have a connection. Even though we haven’t met, I can tell from your profile that you’re a caring and loving woman. Something about your eyes, and smile are so inviting to me.  I also think we have a lot in common, and we’d have a great time together.  I’ll only be in town for a week, and I really need someone to show me around the city. I know I could just sit in my hotel room in between my work, but I’d rather spend it with someone special like you.

Those make me want to vomit. It’s also an obvious cut and paste.  A guy will send the same email to dozens of women hoping one will bite.  My profile is mostly random movie quotes.  A savvier man will comment on the films I’ve quoted, or at least acknowledge that my profile is slightly unconventional.  Talking about my eyes, smile or the many things we have in common is intentionally vague.  Every woman has eyes, and most are smiling in at least one photo – so I guess a few might fall for complete drivel like that.  Others might realize the guy is a total phony but they think he’s attractive enough for a one-night stand.

Then we have the truly slime inducing ones:

Look, I’m going to be in New York City next week.  I’m going to be extremely busy.  Maybe if you’re hot enough in person, I’ll make some time for you.  You won’t regret it but you’d better be hot, or forget it.  I’ve got nine inches of pure manhood and I love to make hot chicks moan.

Luckily men like this are rare.  When I’ve gotten emails like these I’ve responded, “Why aren’t you on tinder” or “Hire a prostitute” or “I don’t need an out-of-town STD.”

Usually the men who proposition me for such liaisons aren’t exactly drop dead gorgeous, but a few have been.  I’ve still never taken the bait.  I’m not comfortable with these situations for a number of reasons.

  • Are these men married? Who knows?
  • Safety issues – Theft, sexual assault or worse
  • Drugs – Will I be slipped something that will knock me out?  Will the man be blazed out of his mind?
  • Privacy – Photographs, video, webcams – technology has gotten so small anything is possible
  • Unusual requests, unexpected kinky sex, inappropriate boundaries
  • BAD SEX

The last one is in all caps for a reason.  Sex with strangers is like rolling the dice, you really have no idea if you are going to have a steamy, hot night of passion or an awkward, uncomfortable evening of disappointment.  Simply put sex with a total stranger, is sometimes not just mediocre but downright scaring.  Most of the time when men have sex, they’ll at least have an orgasm.  Any woman knows we aren’t always as lucky.  A selfish or unskilled lover can make the entire enterprise one long night we wish we could forget forever.

Women also get hit up for free sex all the time.  If I want no strings attached sex I can probably get that from someone I already know and trust a bit.  I also don’t need a girlfriend or wife tracking me down weeks or months later when they’ve discovered an “affair” which was really just a random hook-up.

Overall these requests make me feel like I have no value.  A sex worker might put up with strange sexual requests, a selfish one-sided lover or an uncomfortable experience.  A prostitute at least gets paid, and usually quite well for their services.  Of course some women love the turn on of having sex with a total stranger who they will never see again.  However most women who want hot sex from out-of-town men are on hook-up sites like Adult Friend Finder and Tinder.  It’s a bit of a leap for any man to assume all women want this type of sexual experience.

Basically. if you want to buy shoes, don’t go to a hat store.  Plenty of women are waiting for your emails you just need to look for them on sites specific to your search.  Sex workers are also always available, they might be pricy but there’s nothing wrong with an agreed upon transaction between consenting adults.  Never assume the average gal on OKCupid or Match.com is waiting for your “Nine inches manhood.”  We know it’s probably closer to six inches anyway. 🙂

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Dating Online: The Body Experiment

Anyone who knows me and knows this blog understands my complicated relationship with online dating websites.  For the most part I loathe the entire online dating experience, but when I go offline I rarely meet anyone appropriate.  I noticed that my online dating profile was becoming a magnet for the most pretentious men in New York City. My inbox filled up with book long diatribes full of ostentatious vocabulary and self-aggrandizing biographies.  I had no idea what was attracting these men.  I just knew it had to stop.

I wiped my profile clean and started over.  My current dating profile has next to no information on it.  I mention that I am a performer, I live with two cats, I am a vegetarian, I am a liberal and little else.  My profile redesign gave me an idea.  I decided to create a blatantly sexual, shallow and slutty profile and see what kind of mail I would get.  I was not shocked by what I found, but the numbers were overwhelming.

I won’t mention the dating website I used for fear that they will have me banned for life.   For the purpose of this article I will refer to my alternate profile as “German Girl”.

My actual profile.

Age 39, Vegetarian, Cat owner, Agnostic, Bachelor’s degree in the arts.  My regular profile has 10 photos on it, but for space I will include only three representational photos here.


One performance photo, one from a wedding and one of how I look while at home writing.

German Girl – The Body profile

Originally I had these two photos associated with the profile but they were taken down for violating the rules of the website for being “extreme close-ups”

I am a pear-shaped athletically built woman with a small bust and wide hips.  So I decided to go with my best assets…my abs.  I also used somewhat blurry photos on purpose, to hide my identity and to cover up any flaws.  I don’t think I have a perfect physique or anything, and I am not 25.

The following three were perfectly acceptable and approved for use on the site.

The lingerie shot, the abs shot and the bikini shot were the three photos that made up German Girl.  I made myself one inch taller at 5’8″ and six years younger.

My profile went along the following lines.  I am editing it for length.  .

The first things people usually notice about me

My eyes. I am not showing my face for a number of reasons. But I am blonde and most people would find me attractive. I might send you a photo, if I like yours.
1. Sex
2. Creativity
3. Music
4. Intellectual stimulation
5. Open minded people
6. Freshly baked bread.
Finding men that are compatible with me. I am a bit strange. I like them smart and nerdy. The nerdier the better.

You should message me if

You aren’t a total jerk.

I added freshly baked bread as a bit of a joke, as I keep seeing bread references on nearly every other profile.  German Girl was also a vegetarian, atheist and non-drug user.  I also gave her a Masters degree in the “Arts”.  My alter-ego was childless like myself, but without pets.

Here is what happened.  In the course of two weeks time, here is how these two profiles did in a head to head competition.

Regular Profile – Total emails – 15

German Girl – Total emails – 541

The headless photos of myself…got 36 times the email that my regular profile.

Here are just a few of the breakdowns of the emails sent my headless body.

  • 193 – Quick simple one sentence message
  • 92- Emails that just said simply Hi
  • 43 – Used humor in their emails
  • 32 – Asked for more photos
  • 27 – Asked for Sex Directly
  • 18 – Referred to me as gorgeous, cutie, adorable, beautiful  – (I am not sure how a body can be “adorable” but their words not mine.
  • 13 – Sent a mild insult
  • 12 – Were also profiles of photos of male bodies with no face.
  • 11 – Sent a several paragraphs
  • 11 – Sent a message that was obviously a cut and paste that is sent to dozens of women
  • 9 – Requests for BDSM Sex
  • 8 – Asked the simple question where is your face?
  • 1 – Told me I had a nice smile
  • 1 – Called me curvy (I wish I was curvy but I found that compliment to be way off especially with my flat abs and B cup breasts)  I have hips but I don’t exactly have curves.

German Girl got email from men of all ages, demographics and parts of the New York Metro area.  The profile even got email from out-of-town men who asked to meet up for a drink or sex for the brief time they would be in New York.  My favorite comment that I got repeatedly was “I can tell by your profile we have so much in common” which was especially funny since there was next to nothing on the profile.

About a week into my experiment I got a strange email from one of the founders of the company urging me to answer some of my hundreds of emails.  It felt like a mild threat, as they seemed to know that my profile was fake.  I decided to send some responses but I did so in the weirdest way possible.  A few of the several hundred men got one or two-word cryptic answers.  For instance:

Man: “Hey there!  I like your body what are you doing this weekend?”

German Girl: “Weekend?”

Or if they would say something like

Man: “Girl, you are hot I would love to get to know you”

German Girl: “Know me!”

My bizarro answers would deter some but most men would still try to chat with me anyway.  I was only answering a few emails so the site wouldn’t kick me off.   I didn’t want to lead anyone on.

In the case of the handful of men that emailed both profiles they tended to write a lot more to my actual profile. German Girl was lucky to get a sentence.  Nearly 200 emails simply said…”Hi!” or “Hey there”.  It gave me amazing insight on communication with men.  When they are thinking of you as a just a piece of meat, they won’t bother with much chit-chat.  When they are hoping for a girlfriend…they might send several paragraphs.

In the case of the men who emailed both profiles, if sent German Girl an email I didn’t take them seriously on my regular profile.  The whole thing acted like a screening process.  A few men that I knew, looked at German Girl but did not contact her, a fact that I found reassuring.  Not every man took the bait.  I am sure many found German Girl tacky and vacuous.  A few guys I had gone on dates with didn’t recognize me and sent German Girl an email.  These were men I had just had a drink with and nothing else.   They hadn’t exactly seen my body!

I also got several emails from men that looked exactly like German Girl – all photos were of body shots and no head.  So a headless body was sending another headless body email begging to hook up.  I actually respected the direct hook-up requests seeing as German Girl herself was fairly straight forward.

When I briefly added another shot of my mostly obscured face, the flood of emails slowed down.  I would love to do another experiment with one profile with a face and one without and see which one gets more mail.  Somehow a face made me too intimidating, it was easier to send mail to a detached body.

I am not surprised by the outcome of this experiment.  I knew the body shot profile would get more attention and more email.   Any woman seeking casual sex and posting bikini photographs is going to have a full inbox. What shocked me were the overwhelming numbers.  I have had multiple friends find partners, even spouses online.  I am beginning to feel though that their success had more to do with sheer luck than anything else.  If I ever decide to just start hooking-up with random strangers though, I might just resurrect Ms. German Girl and give it ago.  Maybe I will get some freshly baked bread out of it, or an STD.  For now, I will just stick to my profile with a face and hope I get lucky.