I didn’t want to get into it with the article that I just posted on the Huffington Post, but I am so tired of all of the “blame the victim” comments in regards to my divorce. Maybe 5% of the readers will end up at my website and then actually go to this blog, but I still want to print this as the Huffington Post doesn’t let me respond to comments.
I plan to take this post down in the next couple of days, as it really doesn’t serve much of a purpose but I would like to clarify one thing before everyone jumps down my throat about how I should have stuck around and tried to make my marriage work. First off, you don’t know much about me and you don’t anything about my marriage, so it is extremely presumptuous for you or anyone to tell me what I should have or should not have done regarding my divorce. But I have the absolute best reason to have terminated the marriage. Drum roll please….
My husband was a closeted homosexual. I had no idea and he was in denial when we got married, and after nine years together I found hard evidence to the fact and left him. We are on good terms, all things considered, and he lives openly as a gay man now. He is much happier living as a gay man, but it has been hard on both of us for obvious reasons.
So to the strangers who feel compelled to lecture me on “giving up on my marriage”…you don’t know enough about my situation to tell me that. And I mean that with the deepest sincerity. If the hell that I have been through for the past two years has taught me anything it is to be less judgmental of other people’s divorces. Because no one ever really knows what goes on in another person’s marriage, and I am living proof of a marriage that most people deemed as ideal, was in reality a total fraud.
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- Divorce Causes: 23 Reasons Marriages End In Divorce, According To Divorced People (huffingtonpost.com)
- Life After Divorce: Would You Have Married Your Spouse If You Knew It Would End In Divorce? (huffingtonpost.com)
- Fox News Runs Photo Of Lesbian Couple In Story About Traditional Marriage (buzzfeed.com)
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It is sad that people choose to judge, but such is the self righteous nature of this country we live in. We are so far behind other progressive countries. I think it took a lot of guts for you to share your inner most thoughts and you deserve admiration for that. I don’t think I would have had the guts to be that truthful and open. I think you have just gained a ton of readers.
i am sorry people latched onto the divorce and not the empowerment and enlightenment you undoubtedly gained through the experience. as someone who recently ended a 10-year relationship, i identified with your description of the dating “game”. i also identified with your description of yourself as naturally frank, thereby unsuited to the games. i found your blog delightful and unexpected, as most people seem to thrive much better in the shark tank that is dating. keep being who you are; it helps the rest of us who don’t want to collect broken hearts and neuroses just to find someone to love.
My now ex wife of 24 years surprised our 3 sons and myself the week of Christmas 2008 with a divorce. I never understood how devastating it was to learn about the one you loved was completely different than.who they had portrayed themselves to be. I also find it hard to date with the current rules prevailing about sex first and see how we feel in the morning. My marital sexual relationship was more to me than just the physical enjoyment. I loved who she was, not just lusting for her looks. I hope to find someone like you one day that shares my feelings and desire to be in a monogamous, loving relationship.
I can’t believe people were so insensitive and thoughtless as to tell you that you should have stuck at your marriage. Whether or not they know the details, who are they to judge? Every couple and every relationship is different and so the issues and events which can make or break a relationship are unique to that couple. We all have different boundaries and levels of tolerance but knowing your husband or partner is homosexual isn’t something you can just brush aside for the sake of the relationship. When i discovered that my partner of eight years, the man I’d hoped to one day marry, had been hooking up with guys from the internet, life as i knew it would never be the same again. Like you, i was the subject of some harsh and at times cruel judgment from those around me. What i found particularly upsetting was that some of my female work colleagues almost rejoiced in my misery, they were sort of smug i think because something which i had considered beautiful and something to be cherished had been destroyed.to some extent, their cruel and cold response to my break up hurt me almost as much as the break up itself, so i can understand why people’s thoughtless comments about your divorce hurt so much. But shame on them. Don’t let it detract for a second how far you have come and the positive steps you have taken as you try to rebuild your life. As one person commented, you are so brave to blog about your feelings like this.the fact that you are still standing and making a go of your life is of credit to you and despite what anyone might think, i still think it’s better to be alone than in a marriage which has broken down, whatever the reason. At least with the former, there is still hope of finding some happiness in life 🙂
Not to be insensitive, but you are gorgeous and talented. Sort of a louder, version of Nicole Kidman, but with less baggage…and a happier ex.
Straight men are falling in love with you every day. A few of them can probably handle you. All is well. Relax already.
Juliet, don’t worry about your detractors. There are a bunch of people out there who troll because of their own insecurity and/or boredom. You should also know, we don’t have a lot of smart people in the US. Look how many people would rather watch sports (not to entirely dismiss the entertainment value of sports) then learn about and choose the people who rule our country. Not really a lot of smart people in the whole world for that matter. So don’t worry. Most of the morons took a shot at you because you’re cool.
I did enjoy your post in the Huffington Post. As a double divorve offender, I know your pain. A bit. I have always felt women get the yucky end of the stick when it comes to divorce. Men have less social pressure when it comes to divorce or sex. You have my sympathies. But don’t worry, there is indeed someone out there for everybody. Especially funny attractive women who can pull off a good goth girl impression. 😉
fuggit, if a relationship doesn’t work and is not fixable – get out. all i really ever want to hear is that a person does his/her work afterwards to recognize the unconscious motivations which led to picking that inappropriate partner. so… have you done much therapy/study/introspection?
The guys you describe sound immature and self-absorbed. You need someone worthy. Don’t let yourself down by settling for less.
Also, criticism from internet nut jobs isn’t worth your anger. These overly-opinionated, slack-jawed half-wits don’t represent intelligent thought.
Good luck.
It sounds like to me you are going after men who are super macho just to make sure you are not burned again.
BTW, you were linked on fark.
http://www.fark.com/comments/6538229/For-divorced-women-its-Survival-of-Sluttiest
I think your article in the Huffington Post is very insightful. It took me along time to stop searching for women in the wrong places, women who had no interest in a real relationship. I think your intelligence and your awareness is far beyond most and maybe you will realize that that will always be the case. Most people simply aren’t very aware.
Many marriages, maybe even most, are like yours that you mentioned, you know, not really fitting too well. I’ve heard many stories of couples who spent their whole lives together and never really communicated. Maybe in some way it partly is supposed to be that way. But it would be nice to have a soulmate, if I may use such a term.
Juliet, you have absolutely nobody to answer to. All that matters is you made the right decision for you!
Even if you had tried to make your marriage work, it would have eventually fallen apart. Straight men and straight women have totally different needs to those who are gay.
So please hang in there, the right guy is out there for you!
Michael F
(New Zealand)
I read the Huffington article because I was interested in what pressures my own daughter will face when dating when out on her own, although she just started college. Then I was impressed with your multiple talents and your personality on your webpage. Then, reading questions answered, I thought I would post because we have something in common – I was married to a gay woman. In a way, the divorce was easier because I realized that it never had a chance, but It was still very difficult because we were close. Since then, I married a loving woman and we have had a couple of terrific children. I think that if you stand by your convictions you will find the right man.