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A good friend of mine recently confided in me his frustration with his man whore lifestyle. It seems he was now back with his on and off again girlfriend of several years. I don’t want to reveal his identity so I will leave out a lot of specifics. After a little back and forth he basically said, “I really have to get over being a man-whore, I am trying to work things out.”
To which I replied, “Look you aren’t 25 years old, there is only so long you are going to be able to pull off the man whore thing. You don’t make a ton of money, you aren’t drop dead gorgeous and even if you were, your looks will fade anyway. Don’t be an idiot. Try to make this work. You don’t know until you have lived without it, how painful it is to live without love. You guys obviously care for each other or you wouldn’t end up back together all the time. For me it has been over three years, and it feels like I am slowly dying.”
Sex is easy. Love is hard. Part of the reason I don’t really get into the hook-up culture is that for most women having casual sexual affairs is like shooting fish in a barrel. It is simply too easy. If I want no-strings attached sex from a man I can get it, any night of the week. The sex might be dull, and the partners unexceptional, but if I just want sex, it is never a problem. Sexual dynamics have never been equal for men and women. There are some rare men that are so physically beautiful, charming or wealthy that they have a high success rate with the opposite sex but for the vast majority of men, the hook-up game is much more difficult.
But even when getting sex is easy, it doesn’t always work out. My last hook-up was a total comedy routine. It should have been fine. The man aggressively pursued me at a bar. He was much younger, didn’t live in New York City and once I relented we both had clear cut expectations. But he also didn’t realize he was allergic to cats…and since I live with two gorgeous felines…it was all over before it really began. So much for my New York wild single life. I tried to warn him before we got here…anyway.
Every time I try these scenarios, I am left wanting more. It feels kind of like eating a cookie when I am really famished for a meal. The decadent treat might temporarily satisfy but it does nothing for my deeper hunger. Plus none of us can survive on a diet of just sweets. As I tried to point out to my friend, his man whore lifestyle is only sustainable for so many years. An aging millionaire rock star can still get a 25-year-old when he is in his sixties, a wealthy banker might have a trophy wife and a bevy of mistresses on the side. For most of us, we get old, we don’t look as hot and we don’t have the economic resources to attract as many partners. Before we know it we are at the age where we might end up permanently alone. As I told my friend in my usual overly blunt way,
“Look dude do you want to end up with the kind of woman who would date a poor musician who screwed around for most of his life? Or do you want to be a man and work at a relationship with a woman who you love, and who loves you. She doesn’t care that you are don’t make a lot of money, she loves you anyway as you are now…don’t be an idiot.”
Fear of being alone shouldn’t be the primary factor in any relationship, but like I pointed out these two actually do have a strong emotional connection. My friend is just being neurotic that somehow he might be happier if he is chasing every woman in New York City. He knows it isn’t true, but being self-destructive leaves him torn between what is good for him, and what feels good in the moment.
I have had to condition myself to live without a partner in my life, and it has been extremely difficult for me. Even before my marriage I was always a serial monogamist. Casually dating multiple partners feels like another game entirely and one that I am not very good at playing. I have dreadful dating skills. I am nervous, insecure, blather on and reveal way too much. Avoiding discussing my divorce is especially difficult since my marriage was such a huge part of my adult life. I simply don’t have the skill set, I was just half of a couple for too long. I can live by myself and be perfectly happy, but I don’t want to live like this forever.
I honestly hope my would be reformed man whore heeds my advice. From my perspective he is incredibly lucky to have a woman who will keep trying to make something work with him. Chasing the next best thing could lead him down a dead-end path with no way out.
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