Same Sex Marriage (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
The current court struggle against the Defense of Marriage Act in the US Supreme Court could help decide the fate of same-sex marriage in this country. If the federal government decides that limiting marriage to one man and one woman is unconstitutional, opportunities for same-sex marriage legislation could open up in states that have banned such unions. Any laws currently on the books in states that violate the US constitution will be basically nullified. We have seen examples of this same thing in regards to civil rights and access to abortion. The marriage equality battle has in many ways reached a tipping point.
Opponents of same-sex marriage claim that letting gays marry will cause some sort of destruction of our society. If we allow gays to marry the institution of marriage will erode and locusts and frogs will drop from the sky, maybe the rivers will run with blood. Biblical plagues aside, preventing gays and lesbians from entering into legally binding marriages does have real life consequences. Marriages that are not recognized by the state face all sorts of legal obstacles – child custody, inheritance, citizenship, tax penalties even health insurance. One group of collateral damage that is largely ignored – straight spouses and their families.
When I use the label straight spouse, most people have no idea what I am talking about. As a group we are mostly hidden. A common saying in straight spouse groups is “As our spouses come out of the closet, we go into one.” We are not small in numbers, according to many sources including the Straight Spouse Network there are approx. two million Americans who end up in a mixed orientation marriage. It might be hard for many to believe that the problem is so prevalent, but straight spouses exist in every region in the United States crossing every racial, cultural and socioeconomic boundary. We are everywhere, and a direct result of prejudice and hatred for homosexuality. Ironically we were all one half a traditional marriage that was wrecked by homophobia.
In most situations a gay man or woman enters into a marriage with a straight partner under false pretenses. They want children, a stable home life, white picket fences and apple pie dreams. What they usually end up with are broken families and deeply damaged relationships. No one can live a lie for an extended period of time and not do great destruction to themselves and everyone around them. Some are in denial of their true orientation for years, while others actively pursue a full-blown homosexual life for the duration of their sham marriages. A few mixed orientation marriages are successful. However they are the exception not the norm. In most cases both partners knew they were entering a non-traditional relationship. The vast majority of mixed orientation marriages leave a path of destruction across generations.
No laws are going to stop human sexuality. Even in countries where homosexuality, promiscuity and adultery are punishable by death the behavior still occurs. Homosexuality, bisexuality, transgendered identity have been around as long as humans have been on this planet. Instead of subjugating GLBT people into second class citizens and forcing them to live a life of shame, we should embrace them as they are and end this insane marginalization. Sexual activity between two consenting adults should not be an issue of the state or anyone.
Had my former spouse, and countless others felt they had the option to marry and raise children with a same-sex partner the plight of many straight spouses like myself, could have been much different. When opponents of same-sex marriage cry that these partnerships will be a threat to traditional marriage, I have to think of my own wrecked life and question their logic.
The damage that I have suffered as a result of my marriage and subsequent divorce has been devastating. Even four years after the fact I have difficulty trusting and bonding with intimate partners. I have yet to have a decent, stable relationship for any length of time. Yet I am one of the luckier ones: I didn’t contract HIV, I didn’t have to go through a divorce with children, I didn’t lose everything, I didn’t have to bury my spouse from AIDS, and I didn’t commit suicide.
We need marriage equality NOW, so that in a few generations there will be no such thing as a straight spouse. Every man or woman should have the same expectations for a loving legal partnership that is recognized by the state and society. Forcing people to live in rigid narrow constraints leads to nothing but suffering. Gays, lesbians, bisexuals and transgendered people are simply part of humanity. It’s about time we accept them as full-fledged members of the human race and not buy into bigotry and superstitious nonsense.
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Preaching to the choir, Juliet! While some gay men and women will marry regardless, I truly believe that societal acceptance of homosexuality will decrease the number of us straight spouses left broken in the wake of deceit.
With all due respect, your problem is that your husband was a narcissist, a liar, and a user, not that he didn’t have other societal outlets to pursue his sexuality.
He liked the benefits of having you as his beard, but he was uncaring of how this would damage your life. I am sure there are many shades of grey in your unfortunate tale, but you were treated very, very badly by a man who knew better. You certainly deserved better.
Gay marriage is a great step forward for civilization, but plenty of closeted gay men will continue to wreak havoc on straight women’s lives for very convoluted moral and psychological reasons -and that goes double in places like the Bible Belt.
I would submit that men who legitimately want to marry other men and men who marry women when they are in fact gay are two very different groups with little overlap. Hence, while I hope the Supreme Court does the right thing, I don’t think it will spare many women from your own unjust fate.
Much empathy and support to you as you continue to heal.
You are completely correct in that most straight spouses are narcissists. Both men and women who do this to their spouses are usually the same personality types. The worst in my opinion are the liars who won’t even admit to reality when caught red-handed. I can think of one example of a wife who in my opinion has lied to her ex about pretty much everything. They are divorced but she still controls him emotionally, and she does it in part by saying “I never cheated on you…blah, blah, blah.” This person believes her…but I don’t. And it has been a real tragedy to watch from the outside.
For me a spouse like that is just a piece of garbage. No one would destroy their marriage on a hunch. I am sure she cheated, probably multiple times, but she doesn’t want to deal with being labeled a “bad guy” or take real responsibility. My ex lied too, claims he didn’t cheat on me. I don’t believe him and never will. I am not an idiot. So he can say whatever he wants but…I know the truth.
Narcissists are usually quite charming and charismatic people and they seek out nurturing co-dependent types like myself.
Narcissism may be growing in leaps in bounds, but assuming that “most” spouses are narcissist is a very extreme view point.
Most of the world is broadly sane and moral. I hope you find some of those people very soon and include them in your life.
Warning: Sane and moral people may not be sufficiently entertaining or interesting to you. Therein lies the rub, huh?
Let me clarify…MOST GAY MEN AND WOMEN WHO MARRY STRAIGHT PEOPLE ARE NARCISSISTIC. I have heard so many stories at this point, they all sound the same. I don’t care if someone disagrees with me, I am making that blanket statement. Most gay people aren’t narcissistic, but most gay people don’t marry straight people….those that do are a special group…not my favorite.
So how is this not judgmental? Your quote “Sane and moral people may not be sufficiently entertaining or interesting to you.” That is extremely judgmental. Sorry but you should really be spending your time writing your own blog, and then you can deal with comments like your own. I am an unusual person with a strange job, and lifestyle. A computer programmer is probably not going to be compatible with me, nor will he find me all that interesting. He might do better with another computer programmer. Some people are boring, or dull and these same people think I am weird…it takes all types. But I don’t even date much at all, so I am not looking for immoral (subjective) or insane human beings. Honestly that is just ridiculous.
So I just did a background check on your email…and yes I can do that. It doesn’t appear that your email address comes up ANYWHERE else…which is highly suspicious. Please stop commenting…
I will happily do so, but if Amazon.com contacts me there (and you can too) I’m not sure what nefarious implications having a yahoo account has.
Again, sorry to offend you. Why not just delete everything I have posted?
Most emails can be traced all over the internet, to other links and profiles, blogs, social media etc….yours doesn’t show up ANYWHERE. That is extremely unusual. I have had a serious problem with cyber-stalkers…I am just going to assume you are another one.
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If nothing else,your story should be put to rest the absurd arguments coming out from the religious right the past couple of weeks about how gays and lesbians do have the right to marry someone of the opposite sex,that the feelings will go away etc etc.
Here’s the truth,they don’t and all it does is subject everyone involved to misery.
I do activism for ex-gay rights. Your ex-husband had dad problems early in his life. “Gay” is NOT inborn–that’s a Leftist lie. Really.
You can find out the real information at http://www.narth.com. In particular, see “Fathers of Male Homosexuals” and “The Meaning of Same-Sex Attraction.”
This is preventable and treatable. Transgenderism, too.
–Sharon Kass
Washington, D.C.
Well I would completely disagree with you that is not inborn. I won’t debate you on it here, as I don’t want to waste the time and energy. The Pray away the gay treatments are not effective, and the psychiatric and medical community wouldn’t agree with your opinion either. In fact since 1975 they have declassified it as an illness…so you can believe whatever you want…but you are in the fringe minority and the tide of public opinion is against you. http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/sexual-orientation.aspx
You can also believe that God’s prophet, a man who married a 9 year old and had sex with her, ascended to heaven on a white winged horse, over a billion people believe that. People believe all sorts of things.
Sharon, Homosexuality is neither preventable OR treatable…nor does it need to be either. Perpetuating this myth is damaging on several levels — it suggests that something is fundamentally wrong with being gay, and it gives false hope to those who, for whatever reason, are struggling to come to terms with their homosexuality. Research has debunked this ex-gay propaganda. Please stop spreading false information.
Thanks, I know things like this have made me hate religion because that is where most of this stuff comes from. I have many friends who are deeply religious and I don’t hate them, but I just can’t get down with the institution of organized religion. And even Jesus Christ had absolutely nothing to say about homosexuality, not one verse about it can be attributed to him in any of the four gospels.