Dating

Dating After Divorce – Rebounds and Supernovas

Date: October 13, 2011
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating After Divorce, Divorce, Gay Husband, Relationships, Straight Spouse, Uncategorized
Comments: 9 Replies
English: Pleiades Star Cluster

Image via Wikipedia

I don’t know why they call them rebound relationships.  When I think of a rebound I think of a ball bouncing off of a wall, which is a fairly tame thing.  I now call the first major relationship after leaving my husband the supernova – a collection of stars exploding all at once vaporizing everything in their path, burning bright, hot and fast.  It was a force of nature – so much bigger than a rebound.

I left my husband when I discovered he was a closeted homosexual.  He had been lying to me and to himself for our entire nine-year relationship.   When I left him I was devastated, although the relationship had grown dysfunctional, I was still deeply in love and a dedicated wife.

My marriage had been celibate for a prolonged period of time, and I desperately longed for a relationship with a straight man.  I found it almost too easily and only four months after leaving my husband.  He was a man who I had known casually in my social group of friends.  He was handsome, charming, and we had a lot of the same interests.  We sort of discovered through mutual friends that we both had a crush on each other, so it seemed inevitable that we would end up together. He even remembered the moment we first met years earlier, which was fuzzy to me, but he could recall it in startling detail.  And he resembled a taller, younger version of my husband.  It was as if I had found the straight version of the man I had just left.

I knew it was a dangerous situation and I avoided getting involved at first.  I had so many fears–Was it too soon? Would this end up making my depression worse? Was it because he reminded me of my ex?

But it happened, the universe finally put us together, and for a brief period in my life it was pure magic.  I thought I was the luckiest girl in the world to have fallen from that complete and utter disaster that was my divorce into something that felt so perfect.  And he seemed just as excited as I was; it felt like the ideal love affair.  But the cracks started to form almost immediately.  I was deeply depressed, a depression that is almost too difficult to describe now.  I couldn’t sleep through the night, had difficulty eating, cried constantly, suffered panic attacks, general anxiety, overwhelming fears dominated my thoughts, and my moods would turn on a dime.  I lost 20 pounds and dropped two dress sizes in a few months, had frequent asthma attacks, and was constantly sick; physically, and emotionally I was falling apart.

I also wasn’t used to dating, I was used to being married.  Dating is not anywhere near being married.  I didn’t know how to make the transition; I was suffocating, smothering and desperate for his affection.  I will never know his motivations but I can’t blame him for walking away from an obvious train wreck.  He had his own problems as everyone does, and I was just a disaster of a human being. When it ended it felt like being dropped off an emotional cliff.  I was already so damaged from my divorce and now my first attempt at love was an implosion of epic proportions.

For months I tormented myself over the whole affair beating myself up for all of the mistakes I had made.  I tried to start another relationship only to have that blow up in my face almost the exact same way.  I kept blaming myself, what if I had waited?  What if I had been healthier?  Would either relationship have worked out differently?  Eventually I convinced myself that it didn’t matter.  I would never know that alternate reality and life doesn’t work with a reset button.  The damage was done; the trust was shattered on both sides and couldn’t be repaired.  Feelings were hurt, egos bruised, expectations destroyed and there was no way I could repair any of it.  And I needed to move forward anyway as the whole affair was just collateral damage of my state of mind at the time.  Being clinically depressed is not the best time to start a relationship.

The real source of my anguish was my divorce, so either it would have been this one painful affair or a series of short meaningless flings, but the outcome would have been the same.  I was eventually going to hit rock-bottom.   After an agonizing eight-hour long anxiety attack and three days of very little sleep, I finally bottomed out, and then I got into therapy, briefly went on antidepressants and little by little, month by month, the horrible twisted vice of depression released its grip and I began to have my mind back.  It took nearly two years from the day I left my marriage to finally feel like myself again.   Friendships tarnished and other aspects of my personal and professional life have been negatively affected, but I try to live with a positive outlook and not look back.  Cognitive behavioral therapy is one tool that worked for me and I try to use its tips and tricks every day.

I say it all the time now to anyone newly divorced and I say it even if they are not listening.  Don’t do it.   Give yourself time to heal before you suck someone else into the personal torment that you are inevitably going to experience.  Of course not every divorced person goes through this, as some are happy to leave their spouse, and for them divorce is a new beginning.  But if a person is emotionally crushed, they should avoid getting involved in a serious intimate relationship for a while.

The most important thing that I learned from my supernova experience is that no one else could save me.  No one person has enough love or strength to pull another out of a free fall, especially in a brand new relationship.  I had to do it on my own.  I couldn’t really be available emotionally to another partner when I couldn’t even take care of myself.

Sometimes a person gets lucky and has a perfect love affair immediately after a divorce, but from my own, and most of my friend’s experiences this hasn’t been the case.  So fight the force of nature, hang out with your friends and work on yourself.  Things will get better, but the main thing that you need is time, not another lover.

Related articles

Follow me on Twitter https://twitter.com/JulietJeske

Add me on Facebook Juliet Jeske Facebook Fan Page

Dating After Divorce – Bad Boys and Psycho Bitches

Date: October 9, 2011
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating After Divorce, New York City, Relationships, Straight Spouse, Uncategorized
Comments: 7 Replies
English: The American actress Tara Reid. Franç...

English: The American actress Tara Reid. Français : Actrice américaine Tara Reid. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

One subject that comes up a lot in the comments section of my articles run along the following lines.

“Well logically most men wouldn’t be as interested in dating a divorced woman in her late thirties for a number of reasons”

Something about the words logic and dating together didn’t sit well with me.  Sure, I understand that generally speaking men might be attracted to younger women with less baggage.  And in theory, both men and women seek out mates that are healthy, mentally stable, and kind.  Logically a potential partner should make us feel good about ourselves, make our lives easier or improve it in some way.   This is all true, but I tend to find many adults don’t always use logic when looking for a partner.

And since dating since my divorce baffles me, I can’t help but think of the following two categories of people who always seem to attract mates–Bad Boys, and Psycho Bitches.

The Bad Boy – Has more than one of the following qualities, if not all of them

  • Unstable income or no income – sometimes wealthy
  • Criminal history
  • Serial Cheater
  • Physically Attractive – although not always
  • Initially charming
  • Children with multiple partners or unknown children
  • Engages in reckless behavior, drug or alcohol abuse, dangerous hobbies, sports
  • Brooding, mysterious and or emotionally unavailable
  • Example – Kevin Federline, ultimate bad boy – Charlie Sheen

The Psycho Bitch – The female equivalent of the Bad Boy

  • Unstable or no income
  • Criminal history
  • Serial Cheater
  • Physically attractive – although not always
  • Children with multiple partners possibly with unknown paternity
  • Engage in Reckless Behavior, drug or alcohol abuse, dangerous hobbies, sports
  • Hyper emotional, dramatic and wild
  • Example – Tara Reid, ultimate psycho bitch – Casey Anthony

Of course a person can have one or more of those traits and be emotionally balanced and healthy, but to have several probably indicates they are a hot mess.   And yet both bad boys and psycho bitches are rarely alone.  What is so attractive about either?  Logically the craziest and cruelest among us should be the least desirable partners, but that isn’t often the case.

I know of one woman who I would put in the “psycho bitch” camp.  She tells somewhat unbelievable tales of her former relationships to anyone and everyone.  Her past couplings have included physical and emotional abuse, police intervention and even attempted murder.  She will also freely admit to past drug addiction, being institutionalized, mental problems, and medical issues so severe that she survives in part, on disability.  She openly advertises her craziness to the universe and yet she hasn’t gone for more than a few months without a boyfriend or husband.  She is not young and beautiful and she is hardly charming.  I don’t get it.  Do these men not see the multiple red flags flying in the breeze as they approach her?  How much louder could she scream “I am a train wreck”

And then there are the ultimate bad boys, men on death row, convicted of horrible vicious crimes finding sympathetic female pen pals.   One of the most disturbing and prolific serial killers of our time, Ted Bundy even had one admirer relocate to Florida to be closer to him during his trial.  She eventually married him and gave birth to his child, while in full knowledge of his stunningly horrific crimes.  And she was only one of many, apparently Bundy received loads of fan mail from adoring women.

I read about a theory into the evolutionary reason to why some women are attracted to “bad boys”.  It was along the lines of bad boys are risk takers, and risk takers were advantageous during the time of hunting and gathering.   Once humans developed agriculture, stable and secure men, were more advantageous and won the upper hand.  I didn’t really buy into this theory since most bad boys I have known, usually lived off of a woman, either a girlfriend, wife or mother — not exactly risk takers.   And so far as I can tell no one has bothered to study why men would be attracted to such volatile women.   Mommy issues?  Masochism?  Love of drama?  I have no idea.

Is it the sex?  Are bad boys and crazy bitches great in bed?  From my own experience and from that of my friends I don’t think that is always the case.  I have heard many tales of seemingly passionate bad boys being a snooze fest and of crazy bitches who just lie there.   So although sex might play a factor in some of the bad boy, psycho bitch success, they are not always incredible lovers.

Does any of this make any logical sense?  For some, taming the wild shrew or the getting a Casanova to commit is the ultimate achievement.  For the people who love dating bad boys and psycho bitches, romance has to be full of pain, drama and passion.

Since the overwhelming disaster of my divorce I crave a  stable and calm relationship.  I don’t need to soothe the raging beast of some wild man-child.  But I keep seeing examples of it all around me in both men and women.  So I have to laugh a bit when someone points out the logic in dating.  Just like so many other aspects of human behavior, who we choose to date isn’t always so logical.

Related articles

Follow me on Twitter https://twitter.com/JulietJeske

Add me on Facebook Juliet Jeske Facebook Fan Page

Weekend Sunrise Interview – Dating After Divorce in a City of Sluts

Date: September 26, 2011
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating After Divorce, Dating Online, Gay Husband, Huffington Post, Relationships, Straight Spouse
Comments: 1 Reply

Below is a clip from an interview I did on Morning Sunrise, Australia‘s #1 Breakfast talk show.  It is their equivalent of the Today Show or so I am told.  They interviewed me based on my Huffington Blog post “Dating After Divorce in a City of Sluts”

The link to the article is here.  It was ridiculously popular having something like 7,000 people “like” it on Facebook and 1400 comments.  I am an unknown, unsigned comedian so the whole thing has been mind-blowing.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/juliet-jeske/dating-after-divorce-in-a_b_944133.html

So they didn’t tell me beforehand that they were going to even mention my ex-husband’s homosexuality.  That was a complete shock to me, they also veered from the script.  I have dealt with the press before so I wasn’t really shocked by that.  The saddest thing is that the interviewer actually says

“In your book”

When in reality it was just one article, no book.  Although I am currently trying to make that happen.  I have no idea how to do it, but I am looking into it.  If I end up getting published you know I am telling everyone on the planet.  🙂

My working title for my book is “Dating in a City of Sluts” or something like that.  I never thought I would write a book in a million years but since I have gotten so much overwhelming positive feedback to go for it, I thought I would give a shot!

Follow me on Twitter https://twitter.com/JulietJeske

Add me on Facebook Juliet Jeske Facebook Fan Page

Dating After Divorce – Wife Shoppers & Baby Momma Math

Date: September 25, 2011
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating After Divorce, Dating Online, Gay Husband, New York City, Straight Spouse
Comments: 7 Replies
English: A sleeping male baby with his arm ext...

English: A sleeping male baby with his arm extended (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I always thought I would have kids, my husband and I planned to eventually have a family, but at the age of 36 I discovered my husband was a closeted homosexual.  My marriage immediately ended and I entered the dating pool past my prime reproductive years.   I knew it would eventually take time to have healthy relationships again, and I definitely felt like my biological clock wasn’t just ticking but banging loudly like Quasimodo’s bells through my entire body.

Because I am over 35, some men view me as a lousy match if they want to have kids.  I didn’t think it would be this bad, but in my age range I tend to find hook-up artists who never want to settle down, men messed up from a break-up or divorce, extremely socially awkward men with no dating experience and the men I refer to as wife shoppers.   A wife shopper is usually the following

  • Over 40
  • Never Married – No children
  • At the peak of their professional career
  • About to buy property or has just bought property

Wife shoppers are men searching for the future mother of their children.  They make no bones about wanting to start a family and many won’t consider women over the age of 35.  Women do lose reproductive capacity after 35, and in health terms pregnancies in older mothers are deemed higher risk.  Yet none of my extended or immediate family members have had to use any extraordinary means to get pregnant.  In fact, most got pregnant almost too easily, my aunt and my grandmother both having babies in their forties.  So do I have to print out my medical history and that of my extended family and bring it to dates?  Should I put it on my online dating profiles?  Something tells me that bringing up fertility on a first date would cause most men to bolt.

I have discovered most wife shoppers through online dating websites.  Something about online sites just make it too easy for them.  Men can sort of pick the traits they prefer, height, build, eye color, hair color, age, and if a woman wants children.  On dates, a wife shopper will bring up reproducing almost before they have ordered their first drink.  One of the habits I have noticed is something I call baby momma math.  My date will look at me, ask me my age again, and then I watch them adding up how long we would have to date before trying to start a family, and they aren’t exactly subtle about it.  I have also gotten questions right off the bat such as

  • What neighborhood do you think you would want to live in?
  • Private or Public School?
  • How much debt do you have?
  • How many kids would you want to have?
  • Do you have a good relationship with your family?

I don’t remember this ever happening to me when I was in my twenties.  Maybe it’s something about the personality traits of any man who waits until they are at the peak of their career before getting married and having kids.  In their mind they have a checklist and once they have gone down everything else they want to accomplish in life they move on to starting a family.

Having my marriage end the way it did has given me major trust issues to begin with, so the idea of running down the aisle with a man hell-bent on becoming a father is terrifying.  Divorce is hell on earth and the thought of having another divorce only the second time with children is especially nightmarish.  Rushing into a situation in order to have children with a partner I barely know seems like a recipe for another divorce.

Of course women have been doing this sort of thing for ages.  It is almost a cliché of the single woman over a certain age talking about eggs, biological clocks and running out of time.  When I meet a wife shopper, at first I think it is a good sign because at least this man isn’t like the multitudes who just seem to want to get laid and nothing else.  But then I start to feel like little more than a womb.  Keeping a healthy marriage together especially one with children is extremely difficult.  The union between the two adult partners should be the most important thing, communication, lifestyles, goals, and temperaments must work in harmony before the added stress and pressures of children are added to the mix.  I have accepted that having a biological child may not happen for me, as I would rather not bring children into a haphazard marriage situation.  I just wish I could find something in between the hook-up artists and the men who think nothing of ordering up a wife they way they would a sandwich.

Related articles

Follow me on Twitter https://twitter.com/JulietJeske

Add me on Facebook Juliet Jeske Facebook Fan Page

Dating After Divorce – Do we really need Tough Love?

Date: September 8, 2011
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating After Divorce, Dating Online, Relationships, Uncategorized
Comments: 5 Replies

Since I have been divorced I have tried a number of methods to try to date again, including online dating and speed dating, I recently got the following via email…I won’t mention the company who sent it.  I have edited it for length, but the general premise is still there.

Ever gone on a date that you thought was AMAZING only to this day still wonder why the guy/girl never returned your call for a second date? Meet 10-25 singles at “Tough Love” speed dating, where in the event someone does NOT select you as a “match”, you’ll actually receive feedback as to why via a post-event email summary of each daters constructive and honest comments . At the end of the day, ‘perception is reality’ and ‘knowing is half the battle

There are just so many things wrong with this concept.  For starters, there are _always_problems with market research.  Anyone in marketing can tell you that only a certain percentage of people actually take the time to fill out any survey, and the people who do tend to be skewed to specific personality traits.  Feedback tends to come from customers with an ax to grind.  Customers with the tendency to bitch, moan and complain will be more than willing to fill out surveys or questionnaires to their heart’s content, satisfied customers rarely bother.

Then there is also the concept of people not really knowing what they want until they see it before them.  For instance when surveyed people may say they would hate bubblegum flavored cupcakes, but once given a taste they devour them.  The same goes with dating.  We have all known potential partners who looked great on paper for us, but the minute we met them there was no spark, no chemistry, no reason to pursue them further.  Does this make them inferior and in need of improvement?  Of course it doesn’t, it is just a fact of life.  In the same vein we have all met someone who should have been incompatible for us, and become instantly smitten.  Dating is a strange world full of contradictions and things that simply don’t make logical sense.   We are all like puzzle pieces, some of us fit well together and some of us don’t.

I can’t help but think that a “tough love” speed dating round complete with feedback might attract the very people who like dolling out punishment, and that in a session of brief three-minute dates only the worst criticism would come out.   Some feedback could be useful but most of it would be extremely harmful, lets say out of 15 people you get…

  • You have bad breath – Problem easily solved, so that could be helpful
  • Sloppy or unkempt appearance – Also easily solved
  • You are creepy/crazy – What is a person supposed to do about that?
  • You talk too much or too fast – One man’s chatterbox is music to another man’s ears
  • You don’t talk enough – Not everyone is an extrovert
  • You are too short, tall, thin, fat, old, young – Again it is all relative
  • You aren’t attractive – Imagine getting that feedback from 15 total strangers

Most people in this situation would probably remain vague, especially if they themselves are also being graded and judged.  Most of the cards would probably include things like…

  • He/She isn’t my type
  • No chemistry
  • Not what I am looking for

And that happens to everyone, as if you get 20 people in a room the chances of any one person meeting a person they are attracted to is slim.   So what is the point of this anyway?   Socially awkward people picking apart socially awkward people, my head spins at the thought of such a disaster.  And then the poor man or woman who paid money to try to help increase their chances in the dating world now leaves defeated and broken.  How could this possibly help them?    And imagine going to a speed dating round like this soon after a divorce, and getting negative feedback, as if you needed more rejection and grief.

What I think might work better for anyone out there who is repeatedly going out on dates and can’t figure out why no one seems interested is this–sit down with trusted friends, people who care about you and aren’t making a buck off your misery, and ask your friends and loved ones what they think might help.  Because even the most socially awkward can and will find others who will fit them like a glove.   Your dating problems might be as simple as popping a breath mint, or combing your hair, and you don’t need scorecards from strangers or a “thick skin” to figure that out.

And don’t we all know a couple that is composed of two socially awkward, eccentric or even extremely odd partners?  Maybe instead of improvement or feedback, all they needed was to find another oddball that matched them to a tee.   Sometimes all someone needs to find is another person who really loves their version of being human.  Dating after a divorce is difficult and we all get creative, but personally I would avoid anything as potentially scarring as this.

Related articles

Follow me on Twitter https://twitter.com/JulietJeske

Add me on Facebook Juliet Jeske Facebook Fan Page

Dating after Divorce – The Fairy Tale is Over

Date: July 30, 2011
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating After Divorce, Uncategorized
Comments: 11 Replies

I tell my mother almost every time we speak.

“Mom, dating is just a different game when you are divorced and over 35″

I left my husband because after a total of nine years together, seven of which were as a married couple, he came out as a homosexual.  I really had no choice but to end the marriage, and one of the worst things since leaving him has been what feels like a life sentence of being alone.  Again, I know that sounds bleak, but dating in New York is difficult, dating in New York after being divorced and over the prime years of your life is next to impossible.

The real differences that I see are in my friends that are about a decade or so younger than myself.  Many of which are now getting engaged, married or moving in together.  They have that youthful giddiness and excitement that is rare in people past a certain age.  Not to say that being 38 is old, because it is not, but it isn’t the same as being 28.  My friends who are approaching marriage all believe that they will beat the odds.  They look at their partners with that look of pure love and adoration in which all of their problems will be solved through this perfect mate.  Both men and women get like this and it is a sweet thing to see.   But the same quality is rare in those of us who have lived a little bit longer, and had what we thought was the relationship to last forever, crumble before our eyes.

Even though I don’t look my age, I openly admit that I am 38 to anyone who cares to know.  I know as a performer I should try to keep this secret, but since my career consists mainly of performing in bars, I don’t really worry about the public knowing the year of my birth.  It’s not like I am losing jobs because of my age, as I am not getting much of anything offered to me to begin with.  And I look at it this way; I have lived a life, I am not a young kid and I don’t hide it.

My problem with dating, is that at first I had the expectation that it would be just like when I was in my twenties.  Men would be more excited and enthusiastic about wanting to date me, they would have higher expectations about the relationship and once committed it might last at least a few months.  But what I have found is men that are too wrapped up in their own divorce dramas, too busy raising children from a previous marriage, too involved in their jobs, or just too jaded to feel vulnerable enough to commit to another person.   I can only speak of my own experience, but I hear the same thing from men about divorced single mothers, or divorced women.

And then of course there are those that I have written about before on this blog.  The men and women who are just not the committed relationship partner type, and never will be.   They are in their early forties and have never lived with a partner much less been married or engaged.  For multiple reasons such as, personal preference, demanding jobs, lifestyle habits, personality problems, or simply the love of being single they will never marry or commit to one partner for any length of time.  Then there are all of those age appropriate men that are married or in a committed long-term relationship and aren’t going to be single any time soon, if ever again.

So given this, I have had to readjust my expectations of dating.  It is an extremely difficult adjustment for me but now when trying to date I have come to expect the following

  • Expect to see the person less, than I would like.
  • Expect the relationship to fall apart with very little warning – It seems the older people get, the quicker they will abandon a relationship they don’t think is working.  At least that has been my observation from my own experience and my friends.
  • Realize that a potential partner might be overwhelmed with caring for children, so much so that I don’t get the attention I used to getting in a relationship
  • Have to help the partner deal with their own sense of loss from a divorce
  • Help the partner deal with anger or an ongoing war with their former spouse or girlfriend.
  • Learn not to rely on a partner for as much emotional support as I was used to in my marriage
  • Expect more guarded, and wounded people in the dating pool

With all of these obstacles it just comes down to a position of how much can a person deal with, and what is worth it for the bigger picture.  So a new guy may not call me every day, but is that so horrible?  And I may only get to see him once a week or even less, but as I am a busy person myself, do I need to see them more?  I have to take every man on a case by case basis, what is tolerable and what is unacceptable.

And honestly when I look around at my circle of friends I tend to see this pattern over and over again.  The younger couples have the excitement I remember from my early to mid-twenties.  While the older couples seem more practical and subdued, they also seem to date less.

It is as if as a divorced person we don’t believe in fairy tales anymore because our own fairy tale for whatever reason was destroyed.  So a partner may not consume our lives and hearts and minds as they did when we were younger.  I no longer expect a man to fall “head over heels” in love with me anymore.  And I don’t know if I necessarily want that anyway, because at one point in my life it is how I felt about my husband.  And that enthusiasm is exactly what blinded me to reality that he kept so carefully guarded.

I know there are exceptions, and some people really do get amazing romances the second or third or even forth time around.  I haven’t seen a lot of evidence that it is going to happen for me and I am not expecting it anymore.  But I can’t completely give up hope, at least I am not looking at the situation with rose-colored glasses.   And as I say all the time

“Dating in your late thirties after a divorce is just a different game”

I just have to learn how to play it.

Related articles

Follow me on Twitter https://twitter.com/JulietJeske

Add me on Facebook Juliet Jeske Facebook Fan Page

Dating in NYC – A city of SLUTS

Date: May 4, 2011
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating After Divorce, Relationships, Uncategorized
Comments: 39 Replies
New York City

New York City (Photo credit: kaysha)

This is the earlier version of a post that I submitted to the Huffington Post.  So it might seem familiar to you if you read the shorter more streamlined version.  I just wanted to point that out in case anyone was confused.  Basically after I wrote this one, and got overwhelmingly positive feedback from it I was encouraged to submit to HuffPo.  Although I have posted in the comedy section before the divorce editor did not know me from Adam, and I didn’t even know if they would publish me much less feature me.  So to any bloggers out there who want more traffic and a larger audience, just do what I did, and you might get lucky.  I love how the internet has a level of democratization to it.   You don’t have to go to an expensive Ivy league school or know the right people…anyone can self-publish!  So do it!  I had to cut this post in half, as the Huffington Post suggests 500-800 words, this was something like 1600.  🙂

It seems since I left my husband I have been unable to do a number of things, I won’t list them all here, but the most frustrating lost skill is the ability to date.  That is, date anyone for any significant length of time.   Admittedly it is a bit of a problem because I am out of practice as I was with my husband for a total of nine years.  And after nine years together in a committed relationship I have extreme difficulty navigating the nuanced dance that is dating.    One can not be too direct, overly eager, needy, desperate, clingy, emotional, commitment pressuring, or baby daddy seeking.  And at the same time not be too cold, aloof, bitchy, mean, shallow, negative or distant.  And never shit talk an ex in front of anyone, or even talk about an ex in any capacity, even if the past nine years of your life was living and working with him!!!!   Then there are the crazy games of when to text, email or call, when not to get back to a person and when to answer immediately, when to act interested and disinterested and when to completely blow them off in the hopes that they will come running back after you have ignored them a while.  The last tactic being one I absolutely loathe as it goes against everything about me.   As a person who is by nature very direct and to the point, dating is a mystery wrapped in an enigma to me.

I am also straight edge in that I don’t drink alcohol often and I do absolutely no drugs.  Now mind you I hang out with a bunch of artistic types so this can really make life difficult for me, as the majority of my friends use at least one if not more substances on a regular basis.   I am not judging anyone, and I have no problem with my friends that are regular pot users or heavy drinkers.  I am perfectly comfortable for the most part hanging with my friends, but it can make me a less than attractive partner in some eyes because of my drug and alcohol-free lifestyle.  Add to that my vegetarian diet of over 20 years and my two cats, and for some that is just too many deal breakers to handle for many men.

But the most distressing behavior that I really can’t justify or figure out in New York is the casual sex hook up mating habits that I frankly have no desire to engage in.  Yes, I know I get on stage and joke and tell a blue streak of obscenities and adult themed humor, but in my personal life I am a committed relationship type of gal.  I make no illusions to being anything but this, and I do not judge others for their behavior.  If a poly amorous life of multiple lovers works for a person, then I say go for it.   Or if a string of emotionally detached one-night stands with perfect strangers is what makes a person happy then great.  But I know there are others like me that aren’t wired this way, and seek something more substantial and with some level of greater commitment both emotionally and sexually.  I have a myriad of friends who complain all the time

“I am not slutty enough for this city”. 

And I can relate.

I have made failed attempts at living a Sex in the City style life of hooking up with partners for something casual, and every time I have tried it the results have been disastrous.   I either am disgusted by the man, or the man won’t stop calling.  I had one man who kept calling me for months afterward, another who rudely told me about his other women, and yes there is a polite way to handle this, and yet another who had what I would call a mild breakdown in my apartment about how he couldn’t handle the “gray area”.  So I realized, I am not this person, I need to be true to myself so I went back to my serious relationship commitment roots.   But no matter how much I keep trying to go for a traditional path, the hook-up scenario keeps rearing its ugly head.

Just the other night an attractive man was coming on to me HARD.  He was so obnoxious and obvious about it that a bunch of my friends noticed and even some of his friends were trying to set us up.  But I had never met this man in my life and to be quite honest his overly aggressive approach was off-putting.  He was also over a decade younger than me and was a bit of a jock.  Not exactly the brainy nerdy guys that I normally find much more compelling.  I like a man who can intellectually stimulate me, plus pretty boy jocks tend to get women easily, and as I always say….

He who gets the pussy easily, does not treat the pussy well.

And that tends to be true.   So I was mildly deflecting his advances when a much younger and age appropriate woman arrived on the scene.  Eventually Mr. Meathead instantly moved on to her, I had no idea if she knew the show he was putting on in front of me or how aggressive he had been.  Would it have mattered to her?  I doubt it.  She was young, she hadn’t learned some basics about men yet.  That any guy who is that attractive and that aggressive towards women is not what you would call relationship material.  And maybe to her credit that wasn’t what she was looking for anyway.  I couldn’t care less.  I knew I wasn’t going to sleep with him or do anything else with him that evening so if she wanted the pretty boy jock she could have him.  And part of my ego was stroked anyway in that he approached me first, and I was 16 years her senior.  So for bragging rights, at least I have that!  She went up to him.  He went up to me!  I have to take what I can get!  HA!  The same girl was chatting up another male friend of mine earlier in the night.  So much so that I thought they might be dating.  Little did I know, it seemed she may have been looking for whatever was the best option available that evening.  Or maybe she just met her future husband last night.  I don’t really care.   Whatever works for her!!

I find this all the time when dating.  It is just sort of expected by many that you start the physical part of the relationship first, and then see if either partner wants to continue after you have had sex.  Sort of a try before you buy situation.  Sex before emotional attachment, sex before any form of relationship, sex before everything.  Or  what I like to call how to be treated like something in between a booty call and a girlfriend.   And as a person who doesn’t like being treated poorly, these setups are not usually to my liking.

  • The guy will call or text when he wants to hookup but that is about it.
  • You are supposed to be on call to wait for the opportunity and then run to see him
  • Don’t reveal too much about yourself, but listen to him complain about his trials and tribulations
  • Don’t expect commitment, or exclusivity
  • Don’t expect any emotional bonding
  • Don’t expect much effort on his part to impress you, or make you feel like you are important in his life.

Not exactly what I call fun, but again everyone is different and for some people this situation is ideal.   What I find frustrating is that if you really want to get to know a guy first before having sex with him, it seems like there is no end to the women who will jump into bed with them.   And this isn’t to say that only men do this, as women engage in the same behavior.  But I didn’t think that in order to try to have a healthy sustained relationship with a person I am supposed to have sex with them hours or even minutes after meeting them.  It seems more like long-term relationship suicide.   Sure the sexual relationship might be great at first, but sex doesn’t really hold much together as far as compatibility in concerned.  Sex is usually the mortar between the bricks but the bricks have to line up or the whole thing collapses.

I know there a plenty of men and women who are frustrated like myself out there.   I hear it all the time from my friends, sometimes they think the fast life of hookups and one-night stands, friends-with-benefits, or fuck-buddies is working for them.  But they soon grow tired of it and want something steady with one person.  But what are we supposed to do when everyone around us seems to be whoring it up?   If a guy can so easily get no-strings attached sex, and then never see the woman again if he chooses, then why would they try for anything else?  And when a man is tired of the hook-ups himself, how does he then make the transition to getting to know a woman when he has been hooking-up for years?  Of course the same goes for women, and people of all sexual orientations and persuasions.    When do you decide to stop and settle down?  And when you do settle down, then what?

And in the online dating field, I will occasionally get a man from out-of-town send me an email announcing he will be in New York city in a couple of weeks and would love to “have coffee” with me.  As if “having coffee” has turned into the ultimate euphemism for anonymous sex with a stranger.  Funny how drinking a hot caffeinated beverage is somehow the equivalent of sex with no strings.    Again I am sure some women will go for it, but what kind of women? How likely are they to look like their actual photo? Or not be a total psycho?  Or not be a scam artist?  I bet some men have tried these arrangements only to wake up in a strange hotel room hours later missing their computer, their wallet and anything else of value.

Is it survival of the sluttiest?  I have friends that are in committed relationships and seem happy and most of them didn’t meet by having sex with total strangers.   There are no real rules with relationships and sometimes sleeping with a someone you barely know leads to years of coupled bliss.  This city doesn’t make things easy and I have trust issues on top of everything due to my divorce.  I ask myself this question almost daily…

Do I have to change who I fundamentally am as a person in order to survive the dating scene in New York city?

I keep answering, no, but I am not so sure how much longer I can live like this.

Related articles

Follow me on Twitter https://twitter.com/JulietJeske

Add me on Facebook Juliet Jeske Facebook Fan Page

Dating Online – The man with no photos

Date: April 27, 2011
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating Online, Relationships, Uncategorized
Comments: 52 Replies

This one is as old as online dating itself, the man with no photos on his profile.  I have a firm warning on my profile that I basically don’t take a profile without photos seriously.  Nor should any woman.  The reason?  Well there are many but the main reason is that most men that are on online dating websites that won’t show their face are either married or involved with someone and looking to cheat.   Why wouldn’t they show their face?  It makes little sense.  So many people are on online dating sites now, that if a married man blatantly had a profile seeking another woman, chances are that friends or co-workers  of his wife or girlfriend might stumble upon his profile.  Openly putting yourself out there on a dating website when married is a very dangerous thing to do.  But take the photos off, change a few details about your occupation, change your age,  where you live and bingo, you have no created a new identity.  Maybe a woman who is naive enough to think that some unseen man has nothing to hide will fall for the ruse.   Most men use their occupation as the reason why they can’t show their face.  All of these are specific examples that I have gotten sometimes multiple times…

  • My job is very high-profile, it would be embarrassing for me to be on here –
  • It could potentially hurt my firm’s reputation if I am seen on a dating website – REALLY?  If they only knew how MANY people are on websites like Match.com at this point, there is hardly any shame in it anymore.  Or that somehow a business deal will go south because a potential client saw you on a dating website and decided you were unstable or something?  Well then what are they doing on the site in the first place?
  • I am a psychologist and it could make my relationship with my patients strained. – Do you think your patients are secretly in love with you or something?  What kind of piece of work writes that?

I have been on dates with people who I met online who have VERY high-profile jobs in their fields.  I won’t comment further, to protect others privacy  but the high-profile job excuse is poppycock.

One man tried to send me photos privately.   And I still have no idea what that was supposed to prove?  OK so I see what he looks like, but again he isn’t willing to expose himself on the site itself, so NO DICE!  I sent him a polite, sorry this doesn’t cut it email and he went off on me in an angry tirade full of venom and vitriol.  I know I can come across as too blunt in written form, but I think I dodged a major bullet with that psycho!  Not only was he probably married, but he had some anger issues!

I am sure that there are women doing the exact same thing on dating websites.  Although since men tend to be more visually orientated than women, I wonder how effective the no photo approach would work.  They probably pull the same tactic, of I will send you photos privately.  It is hard to believe that people would fall for that, but loneliness can really pull a person down into despair, after a while any glimmer of hope starts to look promising.

One no-photo man recently contacted me and because I was in a slightly angrier than usual mood, I sent him a blunt reply basically saying that no woman would take him seriously without photos.  He posted photos within the hour of opening my email!  He wasn’t my type, so I didn’t feel like I missed the boat on that one after scolding him for not showing his mug.

And when in doubt, even if you meet someone online with photos and you buy their story about being single or divorced IMMEDIATELY google their full name when you get home, and if they claim they are divorced google their name and the word wife.  You would be surprised how much information is readily available on the internet at no cost whatsoever.  In one case, I googled a man’s name found his ex-wife’s profile on Facebook and found her listed as single.  That made me feel a million times better, but if it had said married, he would have never heard from me again.  You really can never be too careful, the nature of online dating makes it far too easy for men and women who want to cheat.

Related articles

Follow me on Twitter https://twitter.com/JulietJeske

Add me on Facebook Juliet Jeske Facebook Fan Page

Dating After Divorce – Why is it so difficult in your late thirties?

Date: April 20, 2011
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating After Divorce, Divorce, Relationships, Uncategorized
Comments: 52 Replies

I decided to re-write this blog post because it was one of the single most popular articles I have ever written.  As I noticed how many reads it was getting everyday I decided that I hated it and wanted to redo it.  Until I got divorced,  I was completely unaware of the realities of dating in New York city after age 35.  It is tough out there, for both genders but it is especially difficult for a divorced person.  Going out on dates is nothing like coming home every night to a spouse.  I think the original piece was so popular because there are so many lonely people wondering why something that seemed so easy when we were younger is now next to impossible.

When I was in my twenties, dating seemed so much easier.  Men and women didn’t have such exact standards, long-term compatibility issues weren’t discussed and everyone seemed so much charmed by each other.  I see it now in my friends who are about 10 years younger than me.  There is a look of hope and optimism in their eyes that is rare in most of us pushing 40.  Even if they have had major heartache,  a younger person is less likely to have had the soul crushing experience of a divorce.  And very few 25 year olds have had long-term relationships, most are simply too young to have had dated anyone for 10 years or more.  People in their twenties are generally more innocent and less jaded, so they are willing to take more risks and have greater hope in another person.  Then ten years later they get divorced, or break off a long-term committed relationship and end up single again and soon discover how things have changed.  When I go out with age appropriate men I find that for some of them,  everything becomes a deal breaker.

Deal Breakers

  • Undesirable neighborhood
  • Lives too far away
  • Occupation
  • Past marriage or marriages
  • Social group or friends – not compatible
  • Pet allergies
  • Drinking habits – or in my case that I am not much of a drinker
  • Diet, exercise habits, hobbies etc.
  • A date reminds them too much of their ex.

I have to admit I do it myself, I am no longer so idealistic or starry-eyed when faced with a potential mate.  When I was 25 I could see myself dating someone who worked in a bookshop and had ambitions of becoming a playwright.  Now if I meet the same man at age 38 I am more concerned about why he hasn’t gotten his act together.  If he has had plays produced then that is one thing, but if he is still dreaming of the “day” when this will all happen I can’t really take him seriously.

Personality Problems

  • Socially awkward to the point that they have extreme difficulty connecting with others
  • Too selfish and self-centered and have never had a long-term relationship
  • The type of person who doesn’t want a relationship and wants to stay single
  • Severely damaged from past relationships
  • So set in their ways to allow another person to become a part of their life
  • A serial cheater or abuser who goes through partners like kleenex
  • Too immature to have a relationship

Children

To some men, once women hit their late thirties they are simply less desirable because they are less fertile.  It is especially frustrating for me as I have had multiple female relatives reproduce without extreme medical intervention into their forties.  What makes things even more difficult is that many men and women in their late thirties have children from a previous relationship.  So one partner might be completely finished having children and never want more, while another partner is desperate to have children of their own.  And of course compatibility issues arise with a new partner if the partner does not get along with their children.

Work

Generally speaking as we get older our jobs and lives get more demanding, not less.  So the man who worked in a bookshop in his twenties is now working at a publishing house pulling 60 hours a week with staff underneath him.  Everything is more complicated and the free time needed to nurture a new budding romance is almost nonexistent.   Or if one person keeps nontraditional hours, they will have a difficult time trying to date someone who is 9 to 5.

I now totally understand how a 45-year-old can look into the eyes of a 25-year-old and think they have found heaven on earth.  Sure they won’t have much in common and the age difference may eventually drive them apart, but instead of seeing a realistic mirror of themselves back they see a romantic ideal.  The younger person is simply less likely to see huge compatibility issues before they start.  How could that not be intoxicating?   Of course there are always exceptions, with wise 22 year olds and total naïve idiots who are 50.  I don’t mean to brush with that broad of a stroke, but there is a reason the average age of marriage in the United States is 27 for women and 29 for men.  The late twenties are the perfect time to start a family and to build a life, and still be idealistic enough to think that it will all work out.

A depressing as all of this is, I must find hope.  Before I would get wrapped up in someone knowing very little about them only to discover they weren’t right for me.  Now I have age and experience, I know what kind of man I am looking for and what I can offer to a new partner.  The problem is finding that other person.  Armed with a microscope instead of a rose-tinted lens I am more likely to make better choices for myself.  It just makes finding that needle in a haystack so much harder.

Related articles

Follow me on Twitter https://twitter.com/JulietJeske

Add me on Facebook Juliet Jeske Facebook Fan Page

Dating Online – The Super Negative profile

Date: April 10, 2011
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating After Divorce, Dating Online, Relationships, Uncategorized
Comments: 6 Replies
English: Angry cat

English: Angry cat (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I did another search on Match.com tonight and at first glance this guy seemed all right but then I read this…and I am going to break it down into sections…

  • Professional looking for a modern, emancipated, attractive, sane (!!), affectionate, feminine, open-minded, sexy, and sexual woman.

So OK, the sexual part is a bit off-putting as it can come across as kind of creepy.  And he did write it twice, sexy and sexual, so we get it, you are a man who likes sex…shocking!  And sane?  Well who really thinks they are insane?  I think insanity is a relative term.  I dress up in wigs and yell into microphones all over the city for about $40-75 a show and during the day I perform for children as Lulu the clown or paint faces of the extremely rich and privileged.  All in hopes that I might one day get a comedy, voice over or commercial career.  Many would call that insanity.  Even I call it insanity, but I digress.

  • She should be down-to-earth and comfortable in the local diner as much as in a 5 star restaurant. No prude goody-two-shoes or Manhattan socialites, please. I can meet those any day in the city…I am European, liberal, very open-minded and am looking for my match.

OK dude I am with you!  But European causes some red flags in my head.  Are you going to want to move back?  Are you looking for a green card?  It is not a HUGE red flag, but it is something to mention as I love living in New York and I NEVER WANT TO MOVE!  And no goody-two-shoes?  What does that mean?  I don’t drink, smoke or do drugs so some might call me a goody-two-shoes, but I also perform extremely raunchy adult themed material both in stand-up and in the burlesque community.  So I don’t know if in this guy’s book I would be a goody-two-shoes or not!  I guess I ride that Madonna/Whore conflict in my persona a bit on the razor’s edge.  I would definitely not call myself a prude…if you listen to any of my song lyrics…the word prude wouldn’t really come to mind.   But then he wrote this, and any lingering desire I had to wink at him or send him an email disappeared.

After a few weeks on here, I’d also like to add:

  • if you have pictures of you cuddling with your dog/ cat
  • excessive nature pictures
  • pictures of gardens of cherry-blossoms
  • write that you “like the finer things in life”
  • carry around a tiny dog, like a chihuahua, in a luxury bag and refer to it as your “baby”
  • had so much plastic surgery that you start to look like the cat woman
  • every one of your kids is from a different father
  • we are NOT a match. Guaranteed.

Dude!  It is one thing to bitch about these things on a blog, and another thing entirely to put these on your profile where you think potentially interested women might read it…HA! 🙂

I get him on the gold digger hints, the multiple baby daddies…those are obvious red flags.  Although babies and baby daddy situations can be tricky, so it is hard to put a blanket statement out there like that.  As I have know some very stable men and women who might have children with more than one partner.  But in general it is a red flag, I will give him that.

But I call my cats my babies and treat them almost like they are my children.  So what?  And what is wrong with nature shots?  I don’t have any on my profile and they are a bit odd, but who cares?  And he doesn’t like people cuddling with their pets?  That is strange, why would that illicit such a negative reaction in a person?

My hunch is that he is angry and frustrated from the dating process.  Maybe he is the sweetest man on the planet, but online dating is not like ordering a sandwich.  Sure I would prefer someone age appropriate, at least my height, not in the entertainment business and stable…so I get it.  But to put an angry laundry list ON YOUR PROFILE?  I am sure he is still getting multiple emails from multiple women with the very things he describes.  And at the same time driving women like myself away.  Because most people don’t read your profile, yet the slightly more “sane” women do.   So way to go Mr. Angry European for making my online experience that much more entertaining and draining.  HA!  🙂

5/26/11

I just got this one today and I had to add it.  I really felt for this guy as I have been ignored countless times from men online after I sent a short email or wink, so I get it.  But this man shouldn’t have this on his profile, I can’t imagine any woman would send him an email after reading this.  I felt so strongly that I actually sent him a short note basically saying, look, if you only knew what women go through on these sites.  I have had more men personally attack me for no reason than I can to mention.

The first thing I need to say to any woman who reads my profile and is interested in meeting me: SAY SO. Send me a message and invite me to meet you.  I’ve sent several hundred messages to several hundred women of all different types, from all kinds of backgrounds. Each one of them was at least 95% match, 85% friend, and less than 10% enemy. Most were over 98% match.

Aside from ONE woman, I have been utterly ignored.
No “no thank you,” no “you’re not my type, sorry.”

In the words of Steve Buscemi from Fargo: “TOTAL FUCKING SILENCE”

And I ask you, who would respond positively to a profile that starts out like that?  I can’t imagine.  I really do empathize with his situation, but his profile is not helping.   What is that phrase again?  “There is a reason why they are single”

Related articles

Follow me on Twitter https://twitter.com/JulietJeske

Add me on Facebook Juliet Jeske Facebook Fan Page