Dating After 35

Dating Online: The Coward

Date: February 18, 2013
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating After Divorce, Dating Online, Relationships, Social Media, Uncategorized
Comments: 23 Replies
The Cowardly Lion as pictured in The Wonderful...

The Cowardly Lion as pictured in The Wonderful Wizard of Oz by L. Frank Baum (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This particular problem is not relegated to any gender, sexual orientation or age group.  Cowards  in the dating world are sadly universal.  I would bet that even prehistoric men and women scratched their heads over this dating archetype.   What is a coward?

A person who asks someone out on a date, only to then:

  • Cancel last-minute
  • Stand-up a date
  • Constantly reschedule
  • Make themselves consistently unavailable
  • Claim they never made the date in the first place – Act as if it was somehow a misunderstanding

I want to emphasize the distinction here, a coward is the person who sets up the date in the first place, and then blows it off. That is a huge difference, because plenty of people might bail on a date for any number of reasons.  Life is complicated, misunderstandings are common and people really might need to cancel.  They may also not be that interested and bailing on a date is a passive aggressive way of saying as much.  However if a man or woman asks someone out on a date, the need to do everything in their power to follow through.  A coward sends the mixed signal of

I want to go out with you, only I DON’T actually want to go out with you.

I hear these stories all the time from both men and women.  It has happened to me more times than I can count, and I will admit that one gentlemen strung me along like this for months.  I didn’t quite have my post-divorce self-confidence back yet so for reasons I still don’t quite understand, I put up with it.

Over half the men that ask me out on online dating sites do this.  The scenario goes something like this:

  1. They send the first email asking me to go out.
  2. I respond saying I would love to go out with them.
  3. Then they either cancel at the last second, blow me off completely, or never get around to actually planning anything.

I used to give these types the benefit of the doubt, but now I don’t.  If they can’t get it together for one date, they probably aren’t going to get it together for much more.   I used to think it was due to my blog, so I stopped using my name in any correspondence online.  Multiple friends of both genders have said this exact scenario plays out with them repeatedly.  Why do people do this?  I am not sure why but it might be

  • Fear of Failure – They are worried they will be ultimately rejected so they avoid the date, thereby avoiding rejection.
  • Fear of Success – If your date does actually go well, then they might have to deal with some type of dating situation this freaks them out, so they self-sabotage.
  • Intimacy Issues – They would rather have some type of fantasy of you than actually deal with another human being.
  • Seeing someone else – It is all a game to them, you are merely a pawn for their ego.
  • Ego Boost – They asked a person out just to see if they would say yes, never intending to go out with them.
  • Living in a Virtual Reality – A person becomes so accustomed to relationships online social networking etc, that a real one is just too much for them to handle.

Faking out dates is almost rampant behavior nowadays.   It seems completely irrational as asking a person out on a date is a bold move, and makes a person quite vulnerable.  It is such a problem with online dating, I could almost bet half the guys who end up in my inbox will never follow through with an actual date.

Actions really do speak louder than words.  If a person is not making you a priority in their life, then they are letting you know that you are not really that important to them.  Asking you out, only to then flake is rude, inconsiderate and downright baffling behavior.  If someone really wants to see you, they will move heaven and earth to make that happen.  Don’t waste your time on a coward.

Related articles

Follow me on Twitter https://twitter.com/JulietJeske

Add me on Facebook Juliet Jeske Facebook Fan Page

Dating Online: The Liar – A Hall of Famer!

Date: December 9, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating After Divorce, Dating Online, Hall of Fame, New York City, Relationships, Uncategorized
Comments: 15 Replies

pants-on-fire

I am launching a new category on this blog: The Hall of Fame.   Anyone I place in the online dating Hall of Fame will be a person who expresses the most extreme traits of an already established archetype.  To protect this man’s identity  for the purposes of this article I will simply call him, “The Pretty Boy”.

It started out innocently enough.  Tired of my inbox filling up with 22-25 year olds trolling for cougars, and geriatric men who lie about their age, I did a quick match search.  My query was simple, men who live in New York City ages 32-47.  After scrolling through dozens of profiles I ended up emailing exactly two men.  One was an extremely attractive man, almost too pretty for my taste.  Most of his photos were professionally done, and he had one shot of himself holding a guitar in front of a large crowd of what looked like several thousand people.  The caption read “I was a rock star…about 10 years ago”

This photo was the first red flag. I questioned why he would put something like that on his profile.  I also wondered if this man might be promiscuous; as the lifestyle of most professional musicians isn’t exactly one of steadfast fidelity.  My roommate looked at his photos and said immediately.

“He is probably gay, he is way too pretty to be straight”

I disagreed as I have met many pretty straight men.  I was more concerned with, “How could a man this good-looking really have much of a problem getting a date, especially if he was a rock star at some point in his life?”

I have come across many extremely attractive people on dating websites.  However this man was model good-looking.  He was gorgeous, and that is rare on dating sites.  I wasn’t really interested as I am really attracted to bookish nerdy guys or artistic types; but, his profile was so over the top I felt compelled to contact him.

I sent him a brief one sentence asking him for a “drink or something”, to which Pretty Boy responded.

“When you said ‘or something’ did you mean sky diving?  Or a book reading? Something a bit more exciting?”

I found his response rather annoying.  Here I was a total stranger sticking my neck out to ask him out and he is scolding me for not being bold enough in my request.  So I responded…

“No actually I meant just coffee.  I would hate to ruin an experience like sky diving with a total stranger, not to mention it is rather expensive.  If we went to a book reading we wouldn’t get a chance to talk much and well…you are a total stranger so it is better to actually get to know you”

And then the first shoe dropped and I get this response.

“Well I would love to meet for coffee but I actually live in Los Angeles but I will be moving to New York soon…so that is why I have New York on my profile.  I will be in town on Dec. 10th if you want to hang.”

I wish I could say this is the first time I found an inaccurate profile, but unfortunately a lot of guys lie about living in New York.  I guess we New York gals have a bit of a reputation for being fabulous.  I have no idea.  I should have just walked away; but, for reasons I don’t understand, I shot back

“Hey man if you live in LA you should say you live in LA.  And if you are moving here soon, maybe you should focus on moving here before you try to date anyone.  If that is what you are looking for, I am not sure.  Anyway good luck to you, New York is a really difficult city to date in.  I wrote an article about it, trust me it is hell.”

And because I thought this would be the end of the conversation I sent him a link to my #1 hit as it were, “Dating After Divorce in a City of Sluts.”  I have no idea why I did this.  I had never done it before.  I guess I meant it as a nice parting gesture.  I was just trying to give him my perspective on dating in this city. I just forgot how opinionated and worked up people got about that article.

About twenty minutes later I get this long rambling response written mostly in text speech with the letter “u” substituting for the word “you” and some of the worst grammar and spelling I have ever seen in my life.  I would have just ignored it but his tone set me off.  The line that pushed me over the edge “I disagree with the very notion of writing about it in the first place.”

Plenty of people disagree with me, and I don’t mind a healthy debate.  However telling me I shouldn’t write about any subject was incredibly disrespectful and insulting.  It was also incredibly difficult to respect his opinion since he couldn’t write in complete sentences, spell simple words or even make his opinions clear.  My writing is not perfect, but his writing was simply abominable.

I will paraphrase as our correspondence got somewhat heated and long-winded.  My first tactic was to  defend my article.

“Look you may not agree with me, but I have every right to write about whatever I want.  This is my personal experience so you may disagree with my point of view, but I wrote it from the heart.  I got hundreds of new followers on twitter, it was shared thousands of times on the internet, and I even did interviews based on the article.  So you may not agree with me but a lot of people did.  I am not bashing men as this is a universal problem.   As I stated in the article: women, men and people of every sexual orientation and gender identification deal with this predicament”

His next response is when things really got weird.  As he took my attempt at defending my piece as me bragging about my accomplishments.  His response was to try to out-brag me…again paraphrasing for length.

“Look I have sold millions of records, I have been on TV, was voted one of the most beautiful people in the world and I have been married for 15 years I am just on a hiatus and I have four children”

Well this is news now isn’t it?  He hadn’t indicated on his profile that he was MARRIED, nor that he had FOUR CHILDREN!  I was floored, and kept reading. He may have not realized the verb tenses he used but the words “have been married for 15 years” implied he is still married.  Also the use of the word “hiatus” made me feel he was not even legally separated much less divorced. He went on,

“And because of all of this, I have had a lot of experience with women…all over the world”

And I started doing the math in my head.  So if he is 38 and married for 15 years, and is probably still married…if he was screwing a bunch of women 10 years ago when he was in a band, then he was cheating on his wife.  Wow, this man was a catch.

“And so what about your article who cares?  I also know I am attractive.  Why?  Because thousands of people have told me so.  Including millions of readers in a certain popular magazine that called me one of the most beautiful people in the world.”

At this point I started cackling.  Yes this man was attractive, but obviously he had put a lot of his self-worth into what he looked like as I had not brought up his physical appearance.  I realized he misunderstood my defense of my article.  I wasn’t actually trying to brag, just point out that yes my piece was controversial but plenty of people loved it.  Now it seemed he was hoping that I would rue the day that I had snubbed him.  After all he was one of America’s Most Beautiful people, a fact he mentioned twice in his rant. If he only knew how many other pompous beautiful men I have turned down over the years.  I finally ended this madness and wrote.

“Well if you are so famous and attractive, then why have you resorted to online dating to try to meet women?”

And then I blocked him from contacting me.  I was kind of insulting myself  and everyone else on dating website when I wrote that.  I didn’t mean to diss everyone on a dating website as plenty of people find love online.  I just thought it was funny that this man who kept bragging about how he was so beautiful, had appeared on television and sold millions of records was trying to find a date on a free dating website.

I WILL NOT reveal this man’s identity on this blog but after a fairly quick google search I found out he had what looked like one big hit and a couple minor hits about a decade ago.  I didn’t recognize him or his musical partner, nor had I ever heard any of their music.  It was bland light pop and I am sure they had a loyal following for a brief time.

I have been on and off OKCupid now for over two years and I have never found a profile that proved to be so blatantly fraudulent.  He had no mention of children, still being married or living in a totally different city.  He tried to defend his actions by saying he was only looking for “friends and activity partners”.  That was the only honest thing he had written, but  I can’t imagine his wife would be overjoyed if she found his profile.  This was the ultimate liar, and from the looks of his ranting a fairly insecure liar.  Perhaps he should try to find some groupies who might still be starstruck.  He will learn soon enough, most New York women won’t give a damn that a popular magazine called him a beautiful person.  If he wants casual sexual encounters he will have no problem getting them, he just shouldn’t pretend he would rather go skydiving instead.  Had he been honest from the start, he would have saved us both a lot of trouble.

Related articles

Follow me on Twitter https://twitter.com/JulietJeske

Add me on Facebook Juliet Jeske Facebook Fan Page

Dating in NYC: The Snob

Date: October 26, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating After Divorce, Dating Online, New York City, Relationships
Comments: 7 Replies

We have all been on a date with a person like this.  No matter what you say, or what you have accomplished in life, to a snob, it won’t be good enough.  Who is the snob?  And why are there so many of them in New York City.  I am going to use a male example here as that is my personal experience, but I know that this category especially has no gender specific qualifications.  The snob can also just as easily be a woman as a man.

The Snob

  • Any Age
  • Profession – Something high-profile – they have done press, interviews, written books, etc.
  • Advanced Degrees or Ivy League degrees
  • Enjoy hobbies and sports average Americans know nothing about – i.e. Squash, Polo, Sailing
  • Few live in Brooklyn or Queens and if they do this fact is a source of embarrassment  (Park Slope exception)
  • They have well-connected friends, constantly name drop
  • Brag about accomplishments
  • Blather on about expensive travel all over the world
  • Best paired with other snobs

A typical date with a snob will feel more like a job interview than anything romantic or fun.  They will judge where you live, what you do for a living, your background, where you grew up, the amount you have traveled and even your ethnicity.  Some snobs like the idea of “trolling”: going out with someone they believe far beneath them.  You have to watch out, because a snob will never really respect you or what you do.  You might just be another eccentric accessory he can show off to his friends.

Probably the biggest indicator of acceptance by a snob is education.  According to the most recent census, the percentage of Americans with college degrees is at an all time high of 30%.  So even though you may have had to work two jobs while getting your diploma and might have had to resort to a combination of college loans, the Pell grant and scholarships to go to school none of this will impress the snob.  If you don’t at least have a masters degree, or some type of ivy league affiliation you are simply not good enough.  Even though with a BA you are still doing better than 2/3 of the general population.

One snob that I had the displeasure of going out boasted of the extremely prestigious school of Oxford on his dating profile and his Facebook page.  Although in reality, he had only gone to Oxford for one year before he dropped out of a masters program.  His BA from an Ivy League institution and perfect grade point average is not enough, so he brags about a school he couldn’t hack.

I had another date where the man kept grilling me over my “life plan”.  I tried my best to answer him but other than working on my memoir and getting on stage as much as possible I don’t really have specific life goals.  Perhaps I should, but most of my energy is spent just trying to survive each month.  The whole experience just made me feel like I was defending my life, and every choice that I had made up until that point.  Never mind that I just went through a devastating divorce, have worked in an artistic profession for the past decade, and come from a blue-collar background.  This person ignored the success of this blog, the press that I have done for my articles on the Huffington Post and the huge body of work I have done on stage.  Needless to say the date made me feel crushed and about an inch tall.

Why are so many men like this in New York City?  My bet it is just insecurity on their part.  They may have worked extremely hard for all that they have accomplished and worry that if they date anyone beneath their status that it will somehow lower theirs.  What they fail to realize is that most of us work extremely hard at what we do, but we don’t all come from privileged or even middle class backgrounds.  Race, gender and socioeconomic factors are all at work against many of us, despite out best efforts.  The workforce is not exactly an even playing field.

A snob also might believe that their advanced degrees and their overflowing bookcases actually make them a superior person, someone society should value greater than a humble janitor or preschool teacher.  No one will ever live up to their standard, because they don’t live up to their own.  A snob is most critical of themselves than they are anyone else.  Their projection of arrogance towards you is just a symptom of their own feelings of inadequacy.  A person who was truly happy with their lives would never waste energy looking down on others.

Snobs exist everywhere but are especially a problem in New York City because of the many elite colleges on this little island, and the cultural and financial makeup of its residents.  As the city attracts the best and brightest many view significant others as an extension of what they have accomplished.  It is not enough to a snob that you are intelligent, well read, beautiful, young, creative, in amazing shape, have a great sense of humor, have a kind heart, or an open-mind. In addition to any number of positive qualities you must also have a résumé that rivals theirs.

So if you see the signs of someone who doesn’t think you are good enough for them…BOLT.  Try to find the inner strength to get up and walk out.  Point out to this person that they are being a jerk.  I can’t write how many times I have wanted to tell one of these jokers off and haven’t.   No person is better than any other, the distinction only lives inside their mind.  Don’t put up with it, just get back on that saddle and try to find someone who will appreciate you for all that you are.  The snob can sit and wait for Mr. or Mrs. Perfect.

Related articles

Follow me on Twitter https://twitter.com/JulietJeske

Add me on Facebook Juliet Jeske Facebook Fan Page

Dating After Divorce: Mr. or Ms. Angry

Date: March 22, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating Online, Divorce, Relationships, Uncategorized
Comments: 3 Replies
Raiva-Ager-Icon

Raiva-Ager-Icon (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I am adding the following disclaimer to all of my dating related blog posts.  I change details, and create composite characters when I write about dating archetypes such as “Mr. Houdini, Mr. Angry, etc.  I would hate it if someone wrote about a high energy blonde comedian negatively in a blog, so because of that I never include a person’s occupation or anything about their physical description.  I also change enough details that I doubt anyone I am referring to would even recognize themselves if they read one of my articles.   I have split one person into three, or taken several people and put them all into one example.  So simply put, I am very ethical on this blog.

We have all been out with someone like this, and I will freely admit that I have been this exact person.  I am writing this in part, because I need to remind myself of this bad dating habit.  🙂  And as always all of my examples will remain confidential and I will change certain details to protect the not-so-innocent.

Mr.or Ms. Angry

  • Usually over 35 (Or any age)
  • Any occupation
  • Any socioeconomic background
  • Any level of physical attractiveness from gorgeous to hideous

Bad behavior

  • Immediately starts complaining about something on a date
  • Bitches about their ex
  • Goes on and on about something negative
  • Gets angry with you over nothing
  • Shows disrespect to a server or another service based employee
  • Says horrible things about their family members
  • Plays the Victim with no shades of gray

I will openly admit that I have been extremely guilty of being a “Negative Nellie” while on dates.  In my case I am more of a Ms. Morbid or Ms. Negative than Angry but they are really just different shades of the same color.  A date with a “Mr. Angry” will usually go something like this…

You meet somewhere for a quick bite or drink and your date immediately starts into a rant about something horrible in his or her life.  It could be one of any of the following, divorce, breakup, finances, politics, mortgage, lease, problems at work, hatred of something, even a former lover.

Mr. or Ms. Angry starts his or her first conversation with a virtual stranger with a complaint of some sort.  Are they justified?  They very well might have plenty of reason to rant, but doing so on a first date is a terrible idea.  I know I have a bad habit of talking about my divorce but it is difficult for me to avoid this topic since I am currently writing a book about it, I blog for the Huffington Post in the Divorce section and has been the single most traumatic and transformative event in my life.  It is difficult to not speak of the elephant in the room.  But try I must, because when I’m meeting a person for the first time and I find myself  just ranting about some injustice the red flags are blowing in the wind and sirens are going off, Danger, Danger…RUN!

One man insisted on calling me before our date.  I hate calling men on the phone I haven’t met, but we had a mutual friends so I agreed to it.  He started our conversation with a 20 minute rant on how much he hated living in Los Angeles.  He then went on about an illegal sublet and an unfair landlord, and spoke at length about his complicated realtionship with his ex-wife.  Which he said and I quote “Any woman is just going to have to DEAL with it, but I still love her!”  Why I didn’t get off the phone is beyond me, but he topped off the conversation by referring to  Kermit the Frog as a “Pig F*cker”.   And he said as much with pure venom.  I won’t get into what this man did for a living to protect his privacy, but his job was sort of related to children’s entertainment.   Most examples of Mr. and Ms. Angry will complain about a former partner, as complaining about an ex seems to make sense to a new potential mate.  I’ve done it myself, but I wish I hadn’t.  As I have said many times on this blog and in my stand-up.

Any man who trashes his ex in front of a new woman, don’t be surprised if you are next on his list.

And of course this goes for women as well.  We have all dated psychos and some of us have experienced extremely bad behavior – cheating, deception, physical violence, disrespect, obsessiveness, controlling or manipulative behavior .  We may feel completely justified in our rants, but listing our grievances presents us in the absolute worst light to a new suitor.  It is also a huge red flag is EVERY former partner of a Ms. or Mr. Angry is:

  • Crazy
  • Psycho
  • Abusive
  • Addict or Alcoholic

You have to ask yourself, what is the other side of the story?  And why does this person keep picking unstable or cruel people as partners? Some are real victims as bad relationships happen to nearly everyone, but if literally EVERY former lover is pure evil…chances are these situations have far more shades of gray then Mr. or Ms. Angry will let you in on.

When Mr. or Ms Angry starts off with a bitch fest, they are also letting you know that any new person in their life is a dumping ground for emotional baggage.  If you end up dating that person, you will become the new rubbish bin.  Of course we all complain about our lives to our friends and lovers but it should only be part of the relationship, not the main part.  Ideally you go on dates to get to know a new person, find things you share in common and if you are really lucky discover the intangible and elusive connection.  Your date is not your therapist, and you shouldn’t let someone treat you like one either.  I outta know, I know of where I speak on this one. 🙂  I have been both accidental therapist AND the ranting lunatic.

Related articles

Follow me on Twitter https://twitter.com/JulietJeske

Add me on Facebook Juliet Jeske Facebook Fan Page

Life After Divorce: Dealing with Loneliness

Date: February 29, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating After Divorce, Dating Online, Depression, Divorce, New York City, Relationships, Straight Spouse, Uncategorized
Comments: 15 Replies
English: Lower Manhattan at late dusk.

Image via Wikipedia

I wish I could write snappy little sentences on this topic, compile a top ten list of things to combat the sense of being utterly alone.  I could give obvious tips like surround yourself with friends, or don’t hide up in your apartment by yourself.  But it would be disingenuous of me to give advice because I don’t have any answers.  I didn’t sign up for being alone in my late thirties: no children, no spouse and very little hope of change.  Someone from my distant past who I don’t know well, put the following on my facebook wall

“Why don’t you just learn to be happy without a man?”

He couldn’t understand that this ridiculously dismissive statement upset me.  Needless to say we are no longer friends. His declaration just seemed like a death sentence.  I should just resign myself to being alone the rest of my life, that somehow wanting a relationship is a weakness.  I can’t imagine someone going up to a man who had ended his marriage and telling him

Who needs a woman?  You should be happy on your own!

I guess some might, but it seems socially more acceptable to espouse this sentiment to a woman instead of a man.  Up until recently women had fewer choices in life than men, it was either get married or struggle on your own.  Now we have a myriad of variations of a healthy adult life.  I am not searching for a partner for a sense of financial stability or cultural acceptance.  I just prefer to live in a committed relationship and not have a series of short-lived affairs.  Not everyone likes the same flavor ice cream and not everyone likes the same lifestyle.  I don’t know how it is a weakness on my part to want to share my life with another.

There is some truth in his statement:  I should learn to love living on my own and I shouldn’t need a partner in my life.  But I am hardly 80 years old.  I don’t think I should accept my fate of a permanently single woman bereft of any romantic endeavors.  Some people tell me I am trying too hard, and I should just let nature take its course.  Well even though I keep trying to convince people otherwise; I really don’t meet anyone in my daily routine.  I work with children in my day job so I meet a lot of married dads, and at night I host burlesque and comedy shows.  Any men that I seem to attract from my performances are not attracted to me in a healthy way, in fact some of them have acted more like stalkers.  They aren’t seeing me, but a fragment of my personality heightened for the stage. These men tend to put me on such a high pedestal; I would have no way to go but down, if I actually tried to have a relationship with any of them.  I have no desire to end up with another comic and further complicate any professional ambitions in that field.  Online dating has been a bit of a fiasco for me, yet I still keep trying with no luck.  I feel entirely stuck.

I also get the criticism that I am not trying hard enough.  I should force myself to go out with nearly any man within reason, including men I have no attraction towards or are much older or younger than me.  I don’t know why I should have to put myself through that hell.  Even going out with age appropriate men I am reasonably attracted to is difficult enough.  Occasionally I will get my hopes up on someone only to quickly give up as they don’t feel the same way towards me, or I discover huge compatibility problems.  As I watch nearly everyone in my social group “couple up” at least temporarily I wonder –  What is it about me that is preventing this from happening?  Is that the trauma of my divorce and subsequent depression too glaring to hide?  Is it due to my lack of trust in other people I read as suspicious?  Do I just seem desperate?  Is it this blog? (So far at least one man has blamed it for changing his mind about a second date).  I don’t know.  I go through periods of not caring at all and then waves of feeling like it is never going to change.

The loneliness is stifling.  I am envious of women with children because at least they have someone in their life who is a part of them forever.  My marriage was little more than lies and deception, but at least I had someone to come home to every night.   My spouse was someone I thought was supporting me and with whom I could share my life.  Now it is just endless nights wondering if this is just the new normal.  I didn’t sign up for this when I committed my life to my husband.   As I watch my fellow single friends start dating people they care about, I know I won’t get to talk to them as often or see them as much.  I am happy for them, but it just makes me feel that much more alone.  I wish I had some sort of pep talk for myself and for readers of this blog.  I don’t.  I continue to hang out with friends who love and support me and reach out to loving family members, but the elusive romantic partnership seems lost to me forever.  The most searched for phrase for this blog is the following.

Why is it so difficult to date in your late thirties?

Although I might be lonely, I am definitely not alone.

Related articles

Follow me on Twitter https://twitter.com/JulietJeske

Add me on Facebook Juliet Jeske Facebook Fan Page

Dating Online: Rejected by eHarmony? – Share your stories here!

Date: January 20, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating Online, Relationships, Uncategorized
Comments: 13 Replies

So the title says it all. I had a horrible situation with eHarmony and I blogged about it. Then about a year later they sent my email an “icebreaker” from some user called “Craig”. I found that a bit crazy.  I had no account with them, so why was I getting an “ice breaker.”

This is exactly what they sent me, a member who hasn’t been active for a year.

Your profile just made Craig smile.

Breaking the ice is a fun way to start a conversation. Log in to check out Craig and decide if you want to make the next move.

“ I am most passionate about helping others … i like to see others succeed … where I have failed. ”

– Craig, 42 from , Lindenhurst, New York

So what is going on here? Poor Craig from Lindenhurst thinks I am on the site.  When I tried to unsubscribe, the link sent me to a page to re-activate my account.  Now that I have continued to blog about this, some unknown user harassed me on this blog.  Right after I basically shut that mess down, I had eHarmonyJack try to follow me on twitter.  I blocked him immediately.

eHarmony is either still using my account without my consent, or this “Craig” person doesn’t exist. I feel sorry for anyone who thinks I am still on the site.  It is really unethical for eHarmony to use defunct profiles as some type of bait for active members.

I think it is really sad that so many companies take advantage of people looking for love.  And why harass me or any other blogger?  The good folks at eHarmony should expect some dissatisfied customers.  Anyone who has had a bad experience should have every right to share it with the rest of the world.  Match.com, OKCupid and Jdate never sent me emails like this.

I have heard that eHarmony likes to tell people they are undesirable. Well consider this your forum.  If eHarmony deemed you unacceptable, or if you had a bad experience on the site, please share your stories here!

Related articles

Follow me on Twitter https://twitter.com/JulietJeske

Add me on Facebook Juliet Jeske Facebook Fan Page

Dating After Divorce – Dating Online – The Liars

Date: January 16, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating After Divorce, Dating Online, New York City, Relationships
Comments: 11 Replies

I should really call this more adventures in NOT online dating because I am online, but I am not really going on any dates.  Why?  Well most of the guys that email me have what I would call not so desirable profiles, live way to far away or are way out of my age range .  Then the men that I send quick “Hey I would love to go for coffee” emails don’t email me back.  Most men and women go through the “email blow off”, I have learned to let it roll right off of me, as it is just part of the game.  But I just had a few men email me in a row that had such crazy profiles I felt the need to share them with my regular readers.

The Liar – A man or woman who is clearly making stuff up out of whole cloth and sticking on their profile, although sometimes reading these profiles are highly amusing.

  • No photos
  • Photos where you can only see body parts or slivers of their face
  • Wearing sunglasses in every single photo
  • Their occupations or history seem fantastical
  • Their profile it is essentially blank

To be more accurate there are two kinds of liars on-line.  The ones who lie by omission in that they tell you nothing (probably married) or the who create fantasy profiles.  I am going to focus on one of the craziest profiles I found the other day.  This guy was so out-there that I was actually laughing out loud when I read it.

I will change some specifics to protect the man’s identity but he was average looking and claimed to be 30 years old and 5’9″ in height.  He also had photos that looked like professional acting headshots.  The problem was that the headshots appeared about 15-20 years old.  His hair, clothing and the style the photos screamed early 1990’s.  He also had one heavily photo-shopped image of himself dressed as a pilot with no explanation given other than “I am a patriot”. But here I will just breakdown his other ridiculous claims on his profile

Worked as a professional actor for 16 years having done multiple shows and films – OK, so he was some type of child actor since he would have had to start acting at age 14 if that were true or even younger if you believe what he later claims is his current profession.

Worked as a professional model having done several major magazines – Again as a person who knows a thing or two about the modeling industry that is complete horse shit.  He “might” be able to model at 5’9″ if he had an absolutely perfect ripped muscular body, and then he would do underwear or possibly commercial print.  But here is the thing the minimum height for a male model is 5’11”.   Not to mention the guy was hardly good-looking, and he was slightly stocky.  And his terminology was way off, a model wouldn’t say they have done major magazines unless they have done the cover…and how often do you see male models on the cover of magazines?  They are usually on mens magazines and look a lot like the fitness type model I described earlier.  In fact nowadays most magazine covers feature actors and athletes, not models.  If had really booked work modeling he would say ad campaigns, catalog, print work or runway.  He obviously inventing all of it!

I currently work as a Federal law enforcement agent….I wish I was kidding…but no, according to him being a major model and actor for 16 years somehow qualified him to work in federal law enforcement.  I am not sure how you get that lucky break?  Getting a job in federal law enforcement isn’t exactly easy, and there is some training involved that would take time.  So when did he quit modeling/acting?  And wouldn’t it be a huge pay cut?  I mean if he was so successful as an actor/model why quit?  And what is he anyway a SPY?  How daring and bold.

Trained in martial arts for over 25 years…OK so he may have started at age 5 but that seems a little far-fetched given the rest of his profile.

Professional Reflexologist – Which is a person who massages and applies pressure to feet….and then he added that he had a foot fetish.  OK, OK, OK…..gross that he mentioned the fetish ON HIS PROFILE but come on dude, if you really get sexually aroused by women’s feet, then wouldn’t it be sort of impossible to do that for a living?  I mean if it is an actual profession for you, in addition to federal law enforcement and modeling blah, blah, blah…wouldn’t getting an erection all day long make your job kind of difficult.  And again, that would take some training…and how could it fit it in with all the martial arts, modeling, acting and federal law enforcement he is doing!?!  And all at the tender age of 30?  AMAZING!

I am betting this dude lives with his mother and wouldn’t even follow through on a date…and I don’t think it was a joke profile because the email he sent me was very long and equally ridiculous, plus it was on a paid site.   I can’t imagine anyone would spend money for that kind of humor when there are so many free sites out there.   I did send a response as I blocked him basically telling him his entire profile looked like a farce and he might want to try telling the truth if he wants to get a date.

If nothing else these sites are comedy gold.  I just wish they were dating gold!  HA!!!

Related articles

Follow me on Twitter https://twitter.com/JulietJeske

Add me on Facebook Juliet Jeske Facebook Fan Page

Dating in NYC – Potential Girlfriend or just a Piece of Ass?

Date: December 2, 2011
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating After Divorce, Divorce, New York City, Relationships, Uncategorized
Comments: 12 Replies

Erotic butt

This is a question that we all must ask ourselves at certain times of our lives.  Am I a potential girlfriend to this man who I am seeing?  Or am I just a another piece of ass?  These things can get blurry.  It seems men over 35 are less likely to just jump into a commitment right away.  This might appear to go against conventional wisdom as younger men have less responsibility and don’t want to settle down.  But younger men will at least bond quicker, men in their early forties are beaten up a bit and scarred.  Men who have lived a life, have also had their egos bruised, hearts broken, trust shattered so they are less likely to give their hearts and emotions over to a new woman as quickly as a younger man might.

Some men are upfront and tell you right away that they are not looking for a relationship or a commitment.  I respect men who are upfront.  I don’t date them, but I love the honesty.  If a woman wants to get involved with no major commitment, and maybe even see a few other guys on the side, it is her choice.  Not every woman wants a relationship, and this situation might be perfect for both parties.

But then there are men who realize that a woman won’t waste her time with a hook-up artist or a non-exclusive relationship.  This type of guy doesn’t want a relationship, but still wants a woman around.  Instead of being direct he will string the her along.  He’ll never say:

“This is a relationship”

but also never say

“This is just something casual”

Some don’t even realize what they are doing, they just want to keep seeing a woman but with boundaries that are comfortable for them.  So they will dodge and weave to avoid creating a situation that will lock them down or leave them emotionally vulnerable.

I got stuck in a bad relationship that was similar to this.  I hasten to even call it a relationship now.  Instead I say “I tried to date this guy” because honestly that is how it felt.   After what I went through I now look for the following warning signs that I am in that nether region of somewhere between girlfriend and a piece of ass.

  • Refuses to talk about what the relationship is or where it is going
  • Refers to you as a “friend” – even though you are sleeping with him
  • Won’t introduce you to his friends, or get you more involved with his life
  • Won’t talk about anything overly emotional
  • Only communicates via text message or email – no phone calls
  • Doesn’t show you any emotional vulnerability – unless complaining about his ex
  • Keeps conversations and correspondence about surface topics

I thought that my guy was an exception, because when I was actually with him, he was warm, affectionate and he treated me as if I was a girlfriend.  Snuggling up to a piece of ass might seem like a good idea, but it just ends up confusing the woman.  I really liked him, so it took me a while to figure out that is all I ever was, just a sexual plaything that relieved the boredom and gave him a thrill from time to time.  And even though I was corresponding with him on a daily basis, the correspondence was still just surface and it wasn’t emotionally satisfying.   I grew tired of hearing about his daily workout routines, and the occasional bitching about his ex-wife because that was mainly all he was open about.  He never set up dates, he never saw me on my terms and didn’t go out of his way for me in any way shape or form.

He did send me many mixed messages in regards to his two children, whom I never met.  He would tell me that his son liked a photo of me, or his daughter thought a dress I was wearing in a photograph was pretty.  He also kept me clued into their struggles, challenges and joys.  Talking about his kids just gave me a false sense of hope that I might become more important in his life.  What I misunderstood was his kids were important to him, where I was not.

Ultimately I was between the world of a casual fling and girlfriend.  I hated the existence so I broke it off.  I made excuses for this man for months, he was upset from his divorce, he was being overly cautious, he was afraid to get hurt and on and on.  Because I allowed him to contact me when he felt like it, and see me when it worked for him I was enabling his emotionally distant behavior.  I had become my own doormat, and he was walking all over me.

My last relationship lasted nine years.  Since then, I sort of forgot how to date.  The last time I was single I was only 27 and the process seemed so much easier, the men less complicated.  Now that I am older and wiser I have to learn to see these signs sooner and cut my losses.  If a woman just wants a sexual relationship with no strings attached, it is usually not incredibly difficult to find.  I am holding out for something bigger and more meaningful, and I have no idea if I will find it.  I do know though that I am never putting up with being treated like that again.

Related articles

Follow me on Twitter https://twitter.com/JulietJeske

Add me on Facebook Juliet Jeske Facebook Fan Page

Dating in NYC: How to self-sabotage a date

Date: November 15, 2011
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating After Divorce, Dating Online, Divorce, Relationships, Uncategorized
Comments: 13 Replies
English: (ship) half-submerged and sinking.

English: (ship) half-submerged and sinking. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Anyway this is meant as self-deprecating humor.  I am after all a comedian.  I am a lousy dater because for my entire adult life I have been a serial monogamist so I really don’t know how to do the date thing.  I talk to much, I reveal too much, and I am too hyper…but I am hardly nasty and I have heard so many stories from both genders of people being extremely mean or shallow on these dates…so please anyone reading this…the piece was meant as satire, self-parody…don’t take it so seriously!  YIKES! 

Dating is not marriage, dating is one big job interview after another.  Marriage is trying to keep the job you have had for years already have interesting and exciting.  Going from a long-term marriage to the dating pool is rough, I have no idea what I am doing, but I do know when a date is clearly not going to work out.  And to avoid having “the talk” with some guy I barely know, I tend to instead self-sabotage the whole endeavor.   The “talk” is the short brief chat about why I don’t think we are compatible as a romantic couple.  I don’t like getting “the talk” from a man who isn’t interested in me, and I hate giving it.  Since I date mostly men I meet online, it is a total crap-shoot.  I can’t really tell much from a profile, and I have no idea if I will end up having any type of connection with the person.  Most of the time I don’t, and that is not their fault, but merely the nature of the beast.  I don’t get offended or upset when I can tell a man is not viewing me as a potential match.  It is the meeting of two total strangers, it is rare when sparks fly.

I don’t really understand what makes attraction work, but I do know that on a few dates I wanted to crawl over the table and start making out with a guy I had just met.  I didn’t publicly make-out with a total stranger, but in the two times that I have felt that right away, I ended up briefly dating those men.   The two suitors looked nothing alike and had totally different personalities, I can’t explain why both of them were appealing to me, but there it is.  When the initial attraction is not there and the conversation is forced or awkward, then it is time to have “the talk” or resort to self-sabotage.

There are generally two methods of self-sabotaging a date.  The first I call the super clingy needy crazy girl, sometimes the super clingy needy girl act can backfire, and it also makes you look crazier.

  • Talk about marriage immediately
  • Talk about babies immediately, wanting to have babies, your friends babies etc. anything about babies
  • Discuss with your date things that you will do in the far future, things like “I can’t wait to hang with you at Christmas!”
  • Ask way too many super personal questions right off the bat, such as “How many women have you slept with?”, or “How many girlfriends have you had?”
  • Talk about how much you love the man’s neighborhood and would love to live there

The dark torpedo – my preferred method and honestly I do this a bit subconsciously when I don’t even mean to go there.

  • Go on and on about my divorce
  • Talk about being on medication for my clinical depression due to my divorce
  • Ramble on about every ex-boyfriend I have had, or my ex-husband
  • Don’t ask the man any personal questions about himself
  • Discuss politics, history, world wars or something incredibly dark or horrible
  • Lament on all of my family drama and dysfunction
  • Say things like “I really shouldn’t be dating anyone right now”

The torpedo of darkness usually works, and the sad thing is that it sort of comes on me automatically.  It isn’t that I have a master plan and want to be mean, I just don’t watch my bad habits if I am not really into a guy.  And if he isn’t getting the hint I tend to lay it on even thicker.  I would rather have him think that I am broken and not available than to think it is something about him that I don’t like.  Because usually I don’t know why I am not attracted to the guy, I couldn’t tell you if you put a gun to my head.  It is just a quality that can’t be explained, but if it is not there, then it is not there.   I know I have gone through the opposite myself.

Some of my worst dating stories involve the following

  • A date who got noticeably offended and disgusted when I revealed I was from Missouri
  • Another man who bitched about an ex-girlfriend from….20 years ago.
  • A date who said his ex-wife was a bitch in the first five minutes
  • A date who proclaimed  “I don’t get emotionally attached” and then kept trying to steer the conversation to sex
  • A date who told me how much he missed his ex and hoped they would get back together
  • A man who openly told me he wanted to date a friend of mine – and yes this did happen.

If you are stuck in a situation where you think a guy is a decent fellow but you don’t really feel the urge to take the relationship further, use this as a simple guide to drive him away.  So far it has worked every time.  I accidentally learned these techniques from having one horrible date after another and trying to date too soon after I got divorced.   And if you meet a guy you actually want to see again, I strongly suggest you avoid doing any of the above, because you really want to look your best and not like a crazy clingy woman or a dark cloud of doom.

Related articles

Follow me on Twitter https://twitter.com/JulietJeske

Add me on Facebook Juliet Jeske Facebook Fan Page

The Myth of the Magic Vagina

Date: November 11, 2011
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating After Divorce, Divorce, Relationships, Straight Spouse, Uncategorized, Women and Feminism
Comments: 14 Replies

I used to perform as Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty at birthday parties for little girls.  Something about re-telling the stories to these young impressionable females got to me, and suddenly one day I just couldn’t do it anymore.  The high budget films watched repeatedly are far more influential to them, but I still didn’t want to be part of the problem.  We teach little girls that something magical happens when they fall in love.  The monster can be tamed (Beauty and the Beast), the dead can rise from the grave (Snow White, Sleeping Beauty) the poor destitute girl can become a princess (Cinderella) and all the evils of the world can be overcome.  Don’t all fairy tales end with the phrase

“Happily ever after”

Reality and fantasy are worlds apart, yet the fantasy remains firmly entrenched into our cultural psyche.  Every culture has myths and stories, an idealized vision of reality, where good deeds are rewarded and evil-doers are punished. The adult equivalents of fairy tales are films, television, books and stories about celebrities.

One movie that I couldn’t even stomach when I was a teenager, the blockbuster and award-winning “Pretty Woman“ in which a street-walker captivates and wins the heart of a wealthy business man.  A total farce of epic proportions, as in reality a common low paid prostitute would be drug addicted, abused, disease ridden and most of her clients would be lowbrow.  No conversations would occur beyond basics for the transaction and the sex would happen in a car, an alley, or an hourly rate motel, not a luxury suite.    Yet as far-fetched as this film’s premise was, it became an international sensation.  Something about us wants to believe in a story so ridiculous.  The message of the myth is: if you are pretty enough, sweet enough and sexually skilled you can overcome your socioeconomic background and marry a wealthy man despite the odds.  And of course this does happen, but how often?  I call it the myth of the magic vagina.

Not only can a magic vagina get you wealth and security but it can also turn a bad boy good.   For instance the motorcycle mechanic Jesse James repeatedly cheated on his movie star wife Sandra Bullock with multiple random women.  Yet his latest fiancee, Kat Von D somehow thought that even though he has cheated on every other woman in his life, she would somehow be the exception.  Was anyone shocked when she was not?

A serial cheater will inevitably blame the woman he cheated on.

  • She didn’t understand me
  • She wasn’t there for me emotionally
  • She was too concerned about her career.

All of these reasons lead to the end result of his penis finding a new woman.  And yet, he was able to convince a new partner–this time things will be different.  A good rule of thumb I try to follow is the following.

“If he is trash talking all the women who came before you, you will be next on the list”

I have been guilty of this same mistake.  Not so much with serial cheaters but with emotionally unavailable men.  If I just give him enough time he will come around, he is just scared, wounded, and on and on.  Nonsense.  He is just emotionally unavailable and he will remain emotionally unavailable until he decides to change, and he may never change.   The bad behavior will continue no matter what woman is in his life.  The same goes for substance abuse.  An addict will only get clean when they themselves decide to do so.   The bottle or drugs will always win over sex, romance, children, careers, even financial stability.

Many of us have gone through it or at least known a friend who has tried and failed at the same quest,

  • I can change him
  • He is misunderstood
  • He really loves me deep down
  • He understands me, when no one else has

The reality is we are all broken people with flaws and faults.  People should be taken as they are, and not as the subject of your next attempted metamorphosis.  Sexual prowess will not convert him, your never-dying devotion will not turn him around, nothing will change the man he is fundamentally.  Taking care of his every whim, desire and need, will only enable him to treat you worse.  A good manipulator will play into this myth and convince you that you are indeed the one who will cause his transformation.

Although the vagina is a beautiful and wonderful thing capable of sexual pleasure and the beginning of new life, it cannot transform anyone.  The only person who can understand the conflicting emotions and self-destruction is the person self-destructing, and even they can’t understand their own behavior–that is why we have therapists.

Now I am not advocating for telling little girls only harsh fairy tales like “The Little Matchbook Girl”, in which a poor abused child dies of exposure.  Nor would I recommend reading from the crime section of the newspaper for bedtime stories.  But can’t we get past the fantasies once we grow up and realize that the only person we can truly change is ourselves.  As women we have to take responsibility for getting caught up in the myth, bad boys can only survive and thrive if we keep encouraging them.

Related articles

Follow me on Twitter https://twitter.com/JulietJeske

Add me on Facebook Juliet Jeske Facebook Fan Page