Dating – NYC

Life After Divorce: The 12 Foot wall of Ice

Date: June 14, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating - NYC, Depression, Divorce, Gay Husband, Relationships, Straight Spouse, Uncategorized
Comments: 5 Replies
English: Wall of Ice taken in an ice bar in St...

English: Wall of Ice taken in an ice bar in Stockholm, Sweden (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I have said many times on this blog, when a person is over 35 and still single they tend to fall into certain general categories

  • Those who never want to settle down – some people really are more content being alone
  • Those who are too immature to have a decent relationship
  • Those who are career driven and do not make dating a priority
  • Those who are broken from a divorce, or major break up – I would put myself in this category.

Of course not everyone fits so nicely into one of those four groups, and some people really just haven’t met the right person and are over 35.

I probably shouldn’t write about this.  This blog is making my dating life hard enough, although I think I have given up on online dating completely now.  Too many men will ask me out only to not follow through, and the dates I have gone on have mostly been miserable.  I have met some nice men, who weren’t exactly compatible with me, but nice men nonetheless.  Overall I have found the process very demoralizing.  I feel reduced to a commodity.  Everything about me placed on a mental check list, and since I have some fairly odd things in my background they all amount to deal breakers.  Which is fine since I haven’t met anyone online yet that has really felt like a good fit.

I joked last night that I have no “game” when it comes to dating, and it’s true I have absolutely no game.  I’ve lost the ability to flirt successfully, volley back and forth, seal the deal, manage advances, let a guy know I am interested….etc. When I was in my twenties I could make every mistake and still find guys who were interested in me.  For most young women, the game of dating is all too easy.  But something else has changed fairly fundamentally since my divorce and subsequent rebound implosions.  My apologizes to any of the men I may have dated since my divorce who might read this, but pretty much all of my relationships have been disasters.   I don’t think any of my former lovers would read this blog, in fact I am pretty sure they don’t.  If any of them are reading this, I blame myself more than anything for those failed attempts.  I was a mess, a complete and utter disaster, and I shouldn’t have dated anyone.

The newest change I have noticed now is I am just so guarded.  I am almost like a horse who has been overworked, it takes very little to spook me and make me bolt.  A misplaced phrase, the hint of a red flag, too many comparisons to an ex, a man mentioning wanting to get re-married, it doesn’t take much…and I kick my legs up and run.  It is as if a numbness has taken over me.  A profound deadness that I can’t seem to shake.  I often feel reduced to the  sum of my many faults: gay ex-husband, clown ex-husband, weird job, low-income, crappy neighborhood, uncertain future,  losing the ability to reproduce, and general emotional damage.  When I go on dates with strangers I can see the troubled look in their eyes as hints of my past invade their own neuroses.  The minute I notice it, I just want to go home.  Thanks to google I can’t hide anything, so I figure it is best to come clean least they discover the skeletons in my closet online.

When I meet someone I actually like I self-sabotage, I make excuses, I avoid actually going out with them, I create obstacles that don’t exist.  Although I am not really happy being alone, it is at least something I can manage and control.  I can also focus on work, which is extremely necessary now as I don’t have a ton of income.   I live with an imaginary 12 foot wall of ice around me.  It really feels like that sometimes, I have had a few glimmers of hope that it might melt but then something happens and it freezes up again.

When I first left my husband it was like stumbling out of a cocoon, I had absolutely no defenses.  Every slight, every injustice, every cruel action was massively compounded in my head.  It all just cut right through me until I was a pile of ribbons on the floor.  So the ice went up, formed slowly over time.  I had no choice but to protect myself.  But ice is transparent, and I can see right through it.  There is hope on the other side, I just have no idea when I’ll be able to cut through it.  I am not kidding myself that a unique person will simply show up with a blow-torch and my life will go back to normal.  I think instead I am going to have to change myself, or at least my outlook.  And as I mend those broken pieces I also have to try to protect what is left of me.  All the while opening enough for someone new to get close to me.  It is not at all easy.

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Dating After Divorce: The Man-Child

Date: May 4, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating - NYC, New York City, Uncategorized
Comments: 16 Replies
The Xbox "S" controller.

The Xbox “S” controller. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Trying to date men who are age appropriate in the roughly 35-45 age bracket it shocks me how many men in this category still exist.  We know them well, by their habits and ways…but what exactly is a “Man-Child?”

  • Age – at least over thirty
  • Occupation – usually something with no real career advancement but flexible hours
  • Economic Background – Any level but a man with a large trust fund can live like this indefinitely
  • Wardrobe – Dress like they are at least 10 years younger than their actual age – Aging Hipster
  • Bad habits – smoking, frequent heavy drinking, drug use
  • Almost always promiscuous – avoid commitment
  • No real plans for the future
  • Emotionally unavailable
  • Lives cheaply or barely within his means – has no savings

Now if the man who I just described is 25 years old, it is no real cause for concern.  As a man under the age of thirty is trying to work things out.  The exception being an aspiring actor, writer, musician, or artist.  Anyone pursing a creative profession might have one or more lower paying flexible dead-end jobs while they pursue their greater passion.  But a man who does not have these ambitions, and is this unfocused past a certain age, one has to wonder about.

The typical pad of a Man-Child is either a tiny filthy studio or a large sprawling space with multiple roommates.  A large flat screen TV and Xbox will be the centerpiece, some secondhand furniture, while used take out containers line the room along with various porn DVDs.  The refrigerator will contain nothing but alcohol, and a bong filled with ashes will be strewn about the floor along with some smokey one-hitters.  Again, an apartment like this is not too alarming if the man in question is under 30 years of age, but once over 35 its a huge red flag.   The Man-Child usually doesn’t want to “tie themselves” down to one woman, so they are constantly on the hunt for new conquests.  I met a great example of this type the other day who said within five minutes of meeting me.

“New York City is all about getting as much pussy as possible”

He claimed he was 36 years old but I suspected he was older.  His co-workers informed me that he has claimed 36 as his age for several years now.  They also told me to run, not walk away from him.  I obliged as I could practically feel the slime oozing off of him.   So what becomes of an aging Man-Child?  As I have entered my late thirties myself the prognosis is not so great.  The lifestyle of constant detached hook-ups, late night drinking binges and drug fulled parties gets more and more difficult to sustain.  A somewhat out-of-shape man over forty is not going to attract the same amount of women he did in his twenties, no matter how charming he might be, and especially if he is broke.  What I find most amusing about these men is their overwhelming fear of commitment.   As if they commit to one woman surely someone better will be just around the corner.  Even though with each passing day the likelihood of someone better showing up gets less and less.

So what is a gal to do if you encounter a man-child?  If you see a diamond in the rough, good luck to you.  Personally haven’t had the best of luck in transforming anyone but occasionally a dyed in the wool man-child will have a change of heart and turn into a full-fledged man.  But chances are you will just end up taking care of him, emotionally and possibly financially as long as you are with him.

Of course there is the female equivalent.  A woman who lives for the day, has no savings, no plan and spends all their time, money and effort trying to snag a man who will take care of them.  She might get lucky, but once past a certain age, her prospects will diminish.  Or maybe she is simply on the hunt for multiple sexual partners and wild times.  Not so surprising if in their early twenties, but rather sad once past a certain age.

New York city enables this behavior well past its appropriateness because the lifestyle here feeds off of the myth that living like a twenty year old is always sustainable.  In very few parts of the country can a person make the income off of a dead-end job as they can in New York.  Plus the New York City nightlife is dominated by others looking for a cheap thrill and those who make a profit promoting that lifestyle.  Unfortunately for those us who want to grow up, as the more stable and grounded people get married, the dating pool becomes filled with Man-Child types.  If you don’t want to end up being a surrogate parent to a man or woman who just wants to perpetually live like a child, then avoid these people like the plague.  After all, our late thirties should be a time of personal growth and professional advancement, not the time to take care of a deadbeat loser.

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Everyone seems to be getting worked up over HBO’s “Girls”

Date: April 18, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating - NYC, New York City, Relationships, Uncategorized, Women and Feminism
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I don’t normally write reviews, but since I tend to write about women’s issues sometimes I felt compelled after seeing the highly anticipated “Girls“

HBO decided to green light a new program starring written and directed by a 25-year-old woman, Lena Dunham, called “Girls”   I think that might be too much to expect from a 25-year-old, despite her exclusive and expensive education at St. Ann’s in New York and Oberlin.  There is no substitute for life after all and most 25-year-old simply haven’t lived enough of it to fully understand its many complexities.  Reviews of the show have been glowing to scathing, and several writers have gotten worked up over the awkward and depressing sex scene in the pilot.

It breaks my heart to say it, as I should be championing a show written and created by a woman especially one that produced and set in Brooklyn.  However the show made my skin crawl.  I don’t think I am its intended audience as I am nearly 15 years older than the main character.  But I am a single woman struggling to make it in New York, why do I hate it so much?  I guess because the lead character comes across as an entitled whiny brat completely dependent on her parent’s allowance.  When her parents cut her off abruptly she flips out, quits her unpaid internship and ends up high on opium pod tea.  Her roommate complains of a boyfriend that is “too nice” and her roommate’s visiting relative from England discovers she is pregnant.

I do not come from a privileged background not even close, so I guess it might be why I can’t relate to these characters.  Not only is the creator, Lena Dunham from a certain level of privilege but one of her co-stars is the daughter of NBC reporter Brian Williams.  So two privileged girls created their little slice of New York that only they might find interesting.  I would love to see reviews of this show written by poor struggling New Yorkers, not well off reporters.  I didn’t find these characters sympathetic at all.  Dealing with real adversity actually makes people more interesting, and the obstacles these women are up against don’t seem that insurmountable.  I don’t think the creator of this program has experienced much outside of her privileged sheltered upbringing.  For example the roommate that complains about the boyfriend who is too nice, and has a proverbial vagina…comes across as completely unlikable.  What does she expect?  And how frequently is this really a problem for young women, especially in New York?  I have heard tales of both men and women treating each other horribly, not being too sweet or too nice.  Hook-ups, one night stands, sexually transmitted diseases and rude texts and emails are the norm, not overly dotting super committed boyfriends, especially at that young age.   I know a lot of women much younger than myself and I don’t think any of them has the “boyfriend that is just too nice problem”.  Not one in fact.

The apartment they live in looks to be in the Park Slope neighborhood of Brooklyn which is actually quite posh.  Their place is huge and for the most part well furnished. The rent is unbelievably low at $2100 a month as it appears to have at least three bedrooms. The furniture is beat up, cheap and secondhand…but at least they have furniture.   When I was just out of college in Chicago I slept on the floor because I couldn’t afford a bed, and I have met several New Yorkers who have little more than a mattress, yet these women have large and comfy queens with bed frames, matching bedspreads and cute little lamps, even framed art on the walls.   The characters are also obsessed with the television series “Sex in the City“ which is to be expected as the whole endeavor appears to be some type of younger homage to the characters.  I want to inform them that “Sex in the City” is more myth than reality as most single women in New York spend the majority of their time working, the rest alone.   We can’t afford weekly brunches, constant lunches out, trips to the Hamptons and $400 shoes.  And even the characters on “Sex in the City” saw themselves as fully flawed people, not as perpetual victims.

When the lead character quits her unpaid internship she protests about another intern who was then hired as a paid employee.  Her boss responds that the former intern turned employee knows Photoshop.  Most enterprising young women would then, try to learn Photoshop or other advanced software to better their chances in the highly competitive workplace.   Instead the lead character wanders off defeated.  As a person who taught myself numerous software programs and how to type after college, how to build a website, and various other office skills,  I just felt like sitting down with this young woman and giving her a lecture on growing up.   Then there is that sex scene that everyone is worked up about.  The way her boyfriend treats her and their awkward sex scene is just flat-out depressing.  He is disrespectful and cruel yet she doesn’t seem to notice and puts up with his poor behavior.

What drives this young woman?  She is trying to publish her memoir, that is the memoir of a 25-year-old woman.  Not a 25-year-old who got back from the Peace Corps, or volunteered with orphans in Africa, is a cancer survivor, traveled around the world, or is recovering from working as a street-walker or high paid escort.  No, just a 25-year-old that went to a prestigious prep school, elitist college  and worked as an unpaid intern.  I can’t imagine no matter how skilled a writer that the fictional memoir would be all that interesting.  I know we all think we are fascinating when we are 25 but we are really just pups waiting for life to knock us around a bit and make us into more complicated adults.  Unless of course we are truly exceptional in our early twenties, but most of us aren’t.  I think I might have more sympathy if she was writing a novel, historical fiction or even poetry something less self-obsessed.

Of course there are some issues that do face young adults are addressed in this show, overwhelming student debt, a poor job market, exploitative internships and complicated dating lives.  But I can’t help but grabbing the lead character by both shoulders and say…

Try being a kid who couldn’t afford to even work at an unpaid internship because their parents couldn’t afford to subsidize them – then try to apply for jobs that require intern experience.  Try having to suck it up and take any job, even jobs you don’t want but you know you need to pay your rent.  Try living in a crappy neighborhood in a barely furnished hell hole with broken plumbing and spotty electricity.  Try living next door to a drug dealer.  Try living without health insurance for years because you simply can’t afford the coverage.  Try being the kid with a high GPA from a state college who has to compete with graduates from Oberlin whose parents subsidize them.   Try having your phone shut off or not being able to pay your rent because you are working but not making enough.  Try living next to neighbors who can’t stop fighting morning, noon and night.  Try almost getting mugged in your elevator or grabbed on the street.

Would a truly realistic portrayal of young artists trying to make it in New York be a watchable program?  Perhaps?  I don’t know.  But let’s not create a fake harshness and call it compelling.  When entitled wealthy young women make art, this is what we get.  The day mommy and daddy finally cut you off, should be the first day of the rest of your life, not the end of it.  If Dunham is the “voice of her generation” I shudder for our nation.  If we have managed to produce a bunch of helpless, entitled whining self-obsessed dolts we really are in trouble.  Eating cupcakes in the bathtub of a huge apartment in Park Slope is not struggling.  Just stop by a trailer park in Missouri or a housing project in the Bronx if you want to see a real young woman fighting against the odds.

I really wanted to like this show, I really did…but I hated it.  Here is a link to the pilot episode, maybe you will love it and if you do, it’s all good.  We don’t have to agree upon everything, and again I don’t think I am the intended audience for the show.  I am sure there are many 25-year-old women who would hate the brilliant, nuanced, dark and surreal dramatic/comedy about a divorced man in his early forties “Louie” which is one of my favorites.  But then I am a 39-year-old divorcee who has been to hell and back, so “Louie” speaks to me in ways they would never understand.

Girls – Pilot Episode

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Stalking – Why it is no joke

Date: April 16, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating - NYC, New York City, Uncategorized, Women and Feminism
Comments: 6 Replies
Ted Bundy mug shot, Feb. 13, 1980.

Ted Bundy mug shot, Feb. 13, 1980. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I put a little sliver of my life on this blog, not my entire existence just fragments and pieces.  🙂  Due to some of my increased exposure as of late, I have had to deal with a problem of a few male “fans” who have crossed boundaries on various social media outlets.  What usually happens is they start commenting on everything I post, either on this blog or on Facebook.  Their correspondence gets increasingly personal and disturbing until I finally block them from my profile.  These men then respond with repeated vicious attacks using just about every means available to them.  I have received harassment on this blog, in my regular email, on Facebook, twitter and even once on an online dating website.  That particular man created not one, but two fake profiles with the sole purpose of harassing me.  In most cases, I have never met these men outside of cyberspace, nor have I had any personal history with them.

Immediately after a particularly bad episode with one male, a few of my friends posted the following joke on their Facebook pages.  I am not sure of the exact wording of the joke so I will paraphrase

“If a guy is unattractive he is a stalker, if he is good-looking then he is a secret admirer”

Women were gleefully posting comments as “so true” and the like.

I don’t know anyone who has had a “secret admirer” since grade school, maybe middle school.   When an adult male desires a woman, he will usually let her know and in the most direct way possible.  And in my 38 years on this planet I don’t know any woman who would find a stranger following them around in a car or hanging outside their apartment building or home, anything but a threat.  Even if the man is devastatingly handsome if he is lurking about on your property…how would that not be creepy?

Real stalking is a huge problem and it has only gotten worse with our privacy free world of the internet.  In most cases women are stalked by former boyfriends, or ex-husbands.  So conceivably at one time these women found their stalkers quite attractive.  Somehow the relationship went south and now the man is using stalking tactics to try to control, dominate and intimidate his former lover.   I have known several women who have had to get restraining orders against men who refuse to leave them alone.  And with background searches so easily and cheaply attainable any potential stalker can find out almost anything he wants about his would be prey.  A stalker can find where a woman works, where she lives, her phone numbers, friends, hobbies, and even her exact location thanks to those insane “check in” computer apps.

I have had men send multiple angry emails, at first begging me to write them back, followed by angry vitriol filled diatribes, and finally I will rue the day I snubbed them.  Why they feel the need to get so upset at someone they have no history with, and no shared experience is beyond me.   I won’t get into many specifics because I worry that if any of the men who have sent me threats read this, I would only be adding fuel to the fire by reprinting in detail what they have sent me.  But I have gotten the following two remarks included with sexually explicit degrading remarks.

“Maybe I will see you at a show sometime”

or

“You will really feel bad if I decide to show up at one of your comedy shows” 

I have a calendar on my website, as I am trying to promote my performances and help out the producers who have hired me.  I can’t really hide when I am going to appear onstage; and, producers are going to promote me anyway.

What a joke about stalking is really saying is that stalking isn’t a real problem.  That somehow women wouldn’t mind angry crazed emails on their blog, in their inbox and even in their online dating profiles if the man making them was attractive.  Getting nasty emails or letters filled with sexually threatening language isn’t exactly welcome from an older unattractive man, or a beautiful young man.  The physical appearance of the man sending the intimidating material is irrelevant.  A joke like this is yet another dismissive attack on women and the right for all women to lead independent lives.

According to the Stalking Resource Center – National Statistics for Crime

  • 3.4 million people over the age of 18 are stalked each year in the United States.
  • 3 in 4 stalking victims are stalked by someone they know.
  • 30% of stalking victims are stalked by a current or former intimate partner.
  • 10% of stalking victims are stalked by a stranger.
  • Persons aged 18-24 years experience the highest rate of stalking.
  • 11% of stalking victims have been stalked for 5 years or more.
  • 46% of stalking victims experience at least one unwanted contact per week.
  • 1 in 4 victims report being stalked through the use of some form of technology (such as e-mail or instant messaging).
  • 10% of victims report being monitored with global positioning systems (GPS), and 8% report being monitored through video or digital cameras, or listening devices.

The stalker “joke” reminds me of another poorly aimed attempt at humor that I have heard one too many times.

“He is only a rapist if he is ugly”

Well again, can’t really agree with that joke or find it funny.  After all Ted Bundy was an extremely attractive man, he was also one of the most prolific and brutal serial killers of our time.  He would not only strangle women but have sex with their corpses days sometimes weeks after he had murdered them.  His actions are not exactly funny or something to laugh about.   His attractiveness made him a more effective killer since women were less likely to suspect him, but according to his few surviving victims his sexual relationships weren’t consensual.   Bundy preferred to have sex with his victims after he killed them.

So call me politically correct, but I am going to disagree with anyone who thinks a “stalker” joke is funny or lighthearted.  Any woman, or man for that matter, who has had to deal with a stalker situation would never find it humorous.   My tactic for dealing with men who try to intimidate me on the internet is the following.

I stalk my stalkers.  I have the full names, emails, phone numbers, places of work, home addresses, criminal histories and even family members of the various people over the years who have threatened me.   If I have a flurry of activity from a stalker, I walk around with a hard copy of any threatening emails, and a background check of the person.  That way if they show up at a performance and try to harm me I will have more proof for law enforcement that this person has done more than just show up to see some comedy.  When I have stalker activity, I also don’t broadcast where I am going, or what show I might be attending on twitter, on facebook or in any other public forum.

I just want to live my life and this blog has improved mine immeasurably since I started it, so I am not about to shut it down.   And as I always say if you are really so worked up, write your own blog and get off of mine!  🙂  That is the more proactive approach now isn’t it.

And if you are experiencing a problem with someone who is stalking you.  I found an excellent resource in the Stalking Resource Center

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Dating After Divorce: The Emotional Predator

Date: April 11, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating - NYC, Divorce, New York City, Relationships, Uncategorized
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ventral side

ventral side (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I am adding the following disclaimer to all of my dating related blog posts.  I change details, and create composite characters when I write about dating archetypes such as “Mr. Houdini, Mr. Angry, etc.  I would hate it if someone wrote about a high energy blonde comedian negatively in a blog, so because of that I never include a person’s occupation or anything about their physical description.  I also change enough details that I doubt anyone I am referring to would even recognize themselves if they read one of my articles.   I have split one person into three, or taken several people and put them all into one example.  So simply put, I am very ethical on this blog. 

I think we all know this type all to well. Again, this one is universal, and post-divorce individuals are especially vulnerable to their charms. Really no one is really safe with an emotional predator, as the best are masters of manipulation and deception. They can be

An emotional predator will pick up on whatever weakness you have and exploit it. Their goal is usually to have a sexual encounter with you and they will do anything to reach that goal. They will lie about their past, their current living situation, their interests, goals, hobbies, whatever to transform into the person they think you would desire. The worst predators won’t stop at a one-night stand, they need to control and dominate their partner’s lives, and are truly insidious.They are highly skilled at figuring out what makes you tick and what will interest you on a deep level. They might use your insecurities or fears or play up on your strengths using flattery. I just dodged a bullet with someone I think may have been playing me, and playing me well.

I can think of someone from my not so distant past as an example.  He figured out that I was a brainy type, so instead of trying to impress me with flashier credits in his past he used more intellectual ones. He was charming, sweet and went out of his way to ask questions about my interests and ongoing projects, pretty much anything that was near and dear to my heart. He also mislead me about his intentions.  In doing so implying that he might be looking for more than a simple one-night stand.  What all of this amounted to was me allowing my guard down. But I am generally a hard nut to crack, as I have major trust issues and I am not 22. So I didn’t immediately succumb and agree to hook up with him, or go out with him. Instead I remained coy and uncertain and definitely gave him mixed signals.  Fast forward a length of time and he is curt, clipped and I discover that some of what he told me is blatantly false. What he was probably looking for was a meaningless fling, and even though people misunderstand me on this very topic, I am not against anyone having sexual encounters with virtual strangers. However I think both parties should know what they are getting into before they hook it up.  Implications of a longer term, more invested relationship should not be used in order to make the one night of passion happen. And when a person is showing interest in a deeper part of yourself, that can blur many expectations.  The funny thing is, had he been upfront about his intentions and what he wanted, he might have been far more successful in his pursuit of me.

In my case the example I use was a close call, as I was swooning over this man until I saw the other side of him. When that happened I simply cut him out of my mind like a dead tree branch, and added him to the list of many men who have been in that role before him. But I wasn’t so lucky in the time immediately after I left my husband. Blinded by grief I made some fairly huge mistakes when allowing people into my life. All it amounted to was more lack of trust, pain and anguish.

In some cases, emotional predators are just insecure conniving people who are self-serving and justify their actions as just a part of dating. But in others mental illness or addiction may play a role

Unfortunately for the rest of us some people are just so insecure that they fulfill that emptiness with sexual or emotional conquests.  They equate their personal value by how many people they can bed, manipulate or control.  An emotional predator is a person to avoid at all costs.  And the best way to do that is to take things slow, don’t rush into anything and try to see the forest for the trees.

  • How do they interact with others, including people of the gender they date – If they treat other potential partners badly it is a bad sign
  • Try to find out history or a back story about them, knowledge is power
  • If you are suspicious trust that instinct and don’t rush in.
  • When in doubt – Sleep on it.  Give yourself space and see what happens when you pull away

Sadly there is no fool-proof way of avoiding someone who will cause you great pain and emotional harm as some predator types are so damn convincing.  But if you have dealt with someone like this, take heart, as we all have.  In most cases, it is all about them and has nothing to do with you.  They played you and they will play other people in the future.  The good thing is they are rare as most people don’t view others as objects or toys.  But if you find yourself in these situations repeatedly, you might want to re-evaluate your dating style.  A true emotional predator knows how to pick his or her prey.  The balance is being vulnerable  enough to allow a new person into your life, while not being so open as to become someone’s next victim.

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Life After Divorce: Just Keep it Simple?

Date: April 6, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating - NYC, Divorce, New York City, Relationships, Straight Spouse
Comments: 2 Replies
I Want a Divorce

I Want a Divorce (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I am adding the following disclaimer to all of my dating related blog posts.  I change details, and create composite characters when I write about dating archetypes such as “Mr. Houdini, Mr. Angry, etc.  I would hate it if someone wrote about a high energy blonde comedian negatively in a blog, so because of that I never include a person’s occupation or anything about their physical description.  I also change enough details that I doubt anyone I am referring to would even recognize themselves if they read one of my articles.   I have split one person into three, or taken several people and put them all into one example.  So simply put, I am very ethical on this blog.

Online dating profiles are a window into a person‘s soul.  Most profiles don’t really tell you that much about a person, but the usually tell you enough to know when to send an email and when to keep moving.  One such profile popped up as a match on my OKCupid.com profile.  The man was generally attractive, age appropriate and seemed obsessed with cycling.  But he also had one overwhelming theme that was repeated throughout and that was

“When it comes to life, I believe in keeping it simple”

He said this around four times, including in the

“You should message me if….you believe in keeping it simple when living life”.

I hate to say it, but that was the final straw for me and I decided not to message him.  Sure we can all keep things simple in that we try to hang out with people who love and support us and avoid self-destructive behavior but if my divorce has taught me anything it is life is hardly simple.  His obsession with this premise just made me think he might be shallow or dim witted, and since I have sat through some fairly painful dates with both shallow and dim witted men I decided against contacting him.

Human relationships are nuanced and full of many shades of gray.  Life is in fact quite complicated, not simple at all.  My relationship with my ex-husband is complex to say the least.  Up until June 21, 2009 I considered him my best friend, my closest confidant, and then in an instant found myself staring at a man I hardly knew.  A bond and trust like that can’t be immediately severed, instead it took months and years for it to morph and change from overwhelming feelings of anger and resentment to a now familiar attachment that is difficult to describe.  What has been actually more troubling are the other relationships I lost when my marriage fell apart.  People I thought were as close as family just drifted away without so much as any real condolences or understanding.  In fact from some of them criticized me for being too hard on my ex.  If they only knew the layers of sacrifice and burden I had to endure for much of my marriage, the deception and betrayal they would never dare say something so profoundly uninformed to me.

As I witnessed many of my friends also go through difficult and painful divorces I experienced the extremely complicated nature of human relationships.  Some of my friends sabotaged their marriages with blatant infidelity or with downright abandonment towards their spouses.  Do I cut those friends off because of the way they treated their marriages?  Or do I understand the relationship was between those two people, and only they understand the torment and struggle they were going through.  Other relationships simply fell apart due to the every day wear and tear we put each other through, and any couple who has been together more than a decade or more knows, sometimes two people simply do grow apart.  And of course I had friends who were subject to cruelty and betrayal on extreme levels from their spouses.  Some of the stories still cause me to tear up when I think about them.  Married for twenty years only to be thrown away for a newer model and to find out the betrayal stretched on for the entire duration of the marriage?  Again anyone in a long-term committed relationship knows how much two people can go through in that time span especially when they have children together.  And then what of the children?  Damaged by the failure of a marriage and scarred up from the feeling of abandonment by one or both of their parents.  Not to say that the children won’t heal and might be better off in a divorced situation rather than a toxic household, but divorce is traumatic for all parties involved.  Or how about instances when one spouse is horribly treated by another then has to manage a healthy co-parenting relationship after the fact for years.  Life is not always so simple, and human relationships are hardly simple.  In fact they are quite complicated, and anyone who has survived a difficult divorce knows this truth all too well.

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Life After Divorce: Fighting off the Dread.

Date: April 3, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating - NYC, Depression, Divorce, Gay Husband, Relationships, Straight Spouse, Uncategorized
Comments: 5 Replies
One Is a Lonely Number

One Is a Lonely Number (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The other day someone I had met once, and really didn’t know at all said the following to me.

“I think there are more divorces in your future, you are going to die alone”

Or something to that effect, I am not really sure exactly what he wrote.  Glad he thinks I am getting married again, personally I can’t see that happening but you never know.  Now again, the person who said this didn’t know me at all.  I had barely interacted with him in any capacity online or in person.  He got upset because he thought it was perfectly acceptable to randomly pick a fight with me on my Facebook wall. It started with a positive comment on my part and ended with him calling me a “c*nt” making that remark and claiming I insulted him, which I never once did.  I simply stated that I didn’t really know him well, had never posted on his wall, and then asked if he even lived in NYC anymore.  I assumed he lived in LA, apparently he lived in NJ and took this as some sort of huge dig.  I thought if he lived in LA that it was weird that he was even bothering as that is just half way across the universe.  That is all I meant by my comment.  But I am just assuming it was the NJ reference as I never called him a name, and I never once insulted him.  I don’t know how I would insult someone I barely knew other than calling him angry and I didn’t even do that, I simply said I found it annoying when people I barely know post inflammatory things on my wall…and it is annoying.  But if he thought that comment would hurt me, he was way off.  As I don’t need random angry white males who know nothing about me making comments like about me when I have my own brain to do it for me.

You will always be alone, you will always be alone, you will always be alone

Sometimes I feel like everyone I have gone out on bad awkward uncomfortable dates with since my divorce is now having absolutely amazing romances.  Maybe they are, maybe they aren’t.  But the feeling of overwhelming dread is a constant fight I battle nearly every night.  In my darker moods, I will walk around the city and play back all snippets of every horrible date I have had in my mind.  Some weren’t so bad but there were still non-productive in that there was no connection and we both felt it.   So the dread creeps in there, usually at night, when I am trying to shut down my engines and finally give my brain a rest, I find it just goes into hyper-drive.

You will always be alone, you will always be alone, you will always be alone.

I know it isn’t rational, and I know it isn’t true but it bounces around regardless in my skull every night as I am trying to calm down.  I just don’t see much of an end.  Since I have started working on my memoir it has only gotten worse.  At least I have the work to distract me but now I am even more isolated than ever.  And I know so many others like myself, both men and women past their peak dating years and single.  I am not going to radically change the person that I am to the core of my being and suddenly start running around pursuing a polyamorous or promiscuous lifestyle.  I am a one-man woman who just feels stuck.  I could go out with someone 10-15  years younger than me, as I get a lot of offers but I find I rarely relate to men that much younger than me.

You will always be alone, you will always be alone, you will always be alone

I know it’s not rational thinking and I know I can control it.   And I try to use my Cognitive Behavior Techniques to try to shut it down.  All or nothing thinking, irrational thinking, of course that is not true, no one will end up always alone.  But then I think about a comment the total jerk made to me and it rings true, not just for me, but for every human on this planet.  As most people don’t actually die with their spouse or significant other.  Unless they are both killed in some type of accident, or die of the same disease at roughly the same time…most of us…do in fact…die alone.  We might spend years even decades by ourselves after a spouse has passed.  Or even if our spouses are alive when we go, most of us don’t always have those hallmark moments with loved ones surrounding us when we leave this earth.  Death comes in all sorts of ways, and many of them are hardly warm and fuzzy.  We might even have to face the horrors of watching our children or nieces and nephews die before us.  That is life, sometimes it is just that brutal.

You will always be alone, you will always be alone, you will always be alone.

So I guess I really shouldn’t dread that voice in my head or the occasional stab from some random stranger.  I put my vulnerability out there in the form of this blog.  I am the proverbial dog who has decided to bare its belly for the world.  So take your stabs, my skin is Teflon at this point.  At least I tried a long-term relationship and it failed.  But at least I am not drinking myself into oblivion every night or thinking I can fulfill myself from an audience because that is dragon chasing its tail if there ever was one.  Or thinking that a better job, more money, more exposure will somehow cure the insecurity inside of me, when it won’t.  Even if that dreadful thought becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy and I hope it doesn’t, it really isn’t so horrible as most of us deal with loss, loneliness and grief.  It is just a part of life, and at least I will admit that I am flawed and damaged without shame.  I have lost, will probably lose again and it doesn’t make me a horrible person, it only makes me human.

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Dating After Divorce: Mr. or Ms. Angry

Date: March 22, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating Online, Divorce, Relationships, Uncategorized
Comments: 3 Replies
Raiva-Ager-Icon

Raiva-Ager-Icon (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I am adding the following disclaimer to all of my dating related blog posts.  I change details, and create composite characters when I write about dating archetypes such as “Mr. Houdini, Mr. Angry, etc.  I would hate it if someone wrote about a high energy blonde comedian negatively in a blog, so because of that I never include a person’s occupation or anything about their physical description.  I also change enough details that I doubt anyone I am referring to would even recognize themselves if they read one of my articles.   I have split one person into three, or taken several people and put them all into one example.  So simply put, I am very ethical on this blog.

We have all been out with someone like this, and I will freely admit that I have been this exact person.  I am writing this in part, because I need to remind myself of this bad dating habit.  🙂  And as always all of my examples will remain confidential and I will change certain details to protect the not-so-innocent.

Mr.or Ms. Angry

  • Usually over 35 (Or any age)
  • Any occupation
  • Any socioeconomic background
  • Any level of physical attractiveness from gorgeous to hideous

Bad behavior

  • Immediately starts complaining about something on a date
  • Bitches about their ex
  • Goes on and on about something negative
  • Gets angry with you over nothing
  • Shows disrespect to a server or another service based employee
  • Says horrible things about their family members
  • Plays the Victim with no shades of gray

I will openly admit that I have been extremely guilty of being a “Negative Nellie” while on dates.  In my case I am more of a Ms. Morbid or Ms. Negative than Angry but they are really just different shades of the same color.  A date with a “Mr. Angry” will usually go something like this…

You meet somewhere for a quick bite or drink and your date immediately starts into a rant about something horrible in his or her life.  It could be one of any of the following, divorce, breakup, finances, politics, mortgage, lease, problems at work, hatred of something, even a former lover.

Mr. or Ms. Angry starts his or her first conversation with a virtual stranger with a complaint of some sort.  Are they justified?  They very well might have plenty of reason to rant, but doing so on a first date is a terrible idea.  I know I have a bad habit of talking about my divorce but it is difficult for me to avoid this topic since I am currently writing a book about it, I blog for the Huffington Post in the Divorce section and has been the single most traumatic and transformative event in my life.  It is difficult to not speak of the elephant in the room.  But try I must, because when I’m meeting a person for the first time and I find myself  just ranting about some injustice the red flags are blowing in the wind and sirens are going off, Danger, Danger…RUN!

One man insisted on calling me before our date.  I hate calling men on the phone I haven’t met, but we had a mutual friends so I agreed to it.  He started our conversation with a 20 minute rant on how much he hated living in Los Angeles.  He then went on about an illegal sublet and an unfair landlord, and spoke at length about his complicated realtionship with his ex-wife.  Which he said and I quote “Any woman is just going to have to DEAL with it, but I still love her!”  Why I didn’t get off the phone is beyond me, but he topped off the conversation by referring to  Kermit the Frog as a “Pig F*cker”.   And he said as much with pure venom.  I won’t get into what this man did for a living to protect his privacy, but his job was sort of related to children’s entertainment.   Most examples of Mr. and Ms. Angry will complain about a former partner, as complaining about an ex seems to make sense to a new potential mate.  I’ve done it myself, but I wish I hadn’t.  As I have said many times on this blog and in my stand-up.

Any man who trashes his ex in front of a new woman, don’t be surprised if you are next on his list.

And of course this goes for women as well.  We have all dated psychos and some of us have experienced extremely bad behavior – cheating, deception, physical violence, disrespect, obsessiveness, controlling or manipulative behavior .  We may feel completely justified in our rants, but listing our grievances presents us in the absolute worst light to a new suitor.  It is also a huge red flag is EVERY former partner of a Ms. or Mr. Angry is:

  • Crazy
  • Psycho
  • Abusive
  • Addict or Alcoholic

You have to ask yourself, what is the other side of the story?  And why does this person keep picking unstable or cruel people as partners? Some are real victims as bad relationships happen to nearly everyone, but if literally EVERY former lover is pure evil…chances are these situations have far more shades of gray then Mr. or Ms. Angry will let you in on.

When Mr. or Ms Angry starts off with a bitch fest, they are also letting you know that any new person in their life is a dumping ground for emotional baggage.  If you end up dating that person, you will become the new rubbish bin.  Of course we all complain about our lives to our friends and lovers but it should only be part of the relationship, not the main part.  Ideally you go on dates to get to know a new person, find things you share in common and if you are really lucky discover the intangible and elusive connection.  Your date is not your therapist, and you shouldn’t let someone treat you like one either.  I outta know, I know of where I speak on this one. 🙂  I have been both accidental therapist AND the ranting lunatic.

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Online Dating: Advice for Men – How to Pick a Good Photos for Your Profile

Date: March 8, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating - NYC, Dating Online, New York City, Relationships, Uncategorized
Comments: 4 Replies

I am writing this because I just keep seeing the same thing over and over and it is making me crazy. I know most dating websites have general tips and tricks on picking the best profile photos.  I am not sure who is reading the advice given because I just checked my Match.com profile and in one day saw so many great examples of what NOT to do…I felt compelled…the blog must come out.

The absolute first thing you should do before publishing your profile or emailing anyone is: Have a trusted female friend look over your photos, your essay and everything else.  I cannot stress this enough.  Your mother doesn’t count.  You need a woman close to your age who knows you, and has your best interest at heart.  An ex-girlfriend is perfect, as long as you are on good terms.

Here are a few bad photo trends that I see repeatedly:

#1 – Bathroom Mirror Self-portrait – If you are really going to the full cliché then take every photo of yourself without a shirt.  Just make sure we can see the cell phone in the photo, and make it clear that you are in your bathroom.  Some men have nothing but shot after shot of themselves flexing in the mirror.  If you want to look like a Jersey Shore type of douche bag – this is the perfect way to make that happen.

#2 – A photos of yourself with an ex-girlfriend with the woman’s face blacked out –  When there is a big black box over the face of a former lover it speaks volumes. It says a lot about what you think of that person, and what it is saying is not very nice.  The same goes for the artful crop, that is we can tell that you have carefully cropped out a former girlfriend.  It’s fine on one photo but not so cool if all of your photos are like this.

3. Every photo is a group photo. – You would think this one would be obvious.  It says something about you if every single photo is a group photo…and what it is saying is that yes, you have friends..BUT you are hiding something…not good.

4. All of your photos are taken from a far distance. – I don’t get the landscape photos, or photos from vacation that include no humans whatsoever.  A photo of a nice sunset is lovely, but it says very little about what you look like.  When I see this, I just assume the man is married, or hideous.  It seems shady.  Don’t do it.

5. Really old photos – Some guys take this to the extreme, I have seen photos from the 1970’s complete with the yellowed sepia film and obvious hair and wardrobe choices that are clearly not from this decade.  It’s great if you had a wonderful bushy stash in the year in which I was born….but I would like to see what you look like now.

6. Nudity – The only exception to this rule is if you are looking for hook-ups or casual sex and you are making that very clear on the rest of your profile.  Then by all means…show the goods.  But there are sites for that sort of thing.  Generally speaking on most dating sites, nudity will get you kicked off and your photos will be taken down.  It is also probably not going to work as well as you think it is.  Women like a nice looking male body, but you run the risk of repulsing a lot of women.  It’s kind of like going up to a stranger and flashing them.  If you are at a swingers club, this behavior could be extremely welcome.  But if you are just standing on the street – women are libel to just run away from you.  Most women just aren’t wired in quite the same way as the average male. Also your body might not be as smoking hot as you think it is.  When in doubt – show a female friend and she what she thinks.

7. Scuba Gear – I have seen so many profiles in which the majority of photos are a man in scuba gear.  Not one photo, but every photo.  To me that says the man is either married, not confident in what he looks like, or embarrassed by being on an online dating site.   Well get over it and show your face!  Scuba gear gets its own category because it is nearly an epidemic online.  I have no explanation for it, but it drives me crazy!

8. Sports – Sure some women love sports maybe even more than you do, but if every single photo of yourself on your profile is one of you playing a sport, it might be a turn-off for some.  It’s not the worst thing you can do and it does say to any potential date…”I love sports!”  But you might want to throw in a straight shot of yourself just hanging out, instead of having every single shot in tiny running shorts covered in sweat.

9. Ironic boa, dress, women’s clothing – WHY? WHY? WHY do I keep finding these?  It’s just confusing unless cross dressing is your thing.   In one man’s profile,  half of his photos were in full drag, while the other half were in mens clothing.   He was open about being a cross dresser and I had to give him kudos for that.  Sure, he will turn off most women, but for the women who are actually seeking a cross-dresser the profile will be a magnet for them.  I all for honesty!  If you are cross dressing as an ironic joke, women who don’t know you may not get your sense of humor.

10. All Body shots, none of the face – This one just makes me think – married man. I’ve actually found numerous profiles like this where the man explains he is married and cheating on his wife.  One even said he was specifically not in an open marriage, nor was he polyamorous – he was just looking to cheat.  If you aren’t married, then why not show your face?  Nearly everyone tries online dating at some point.  There is no shame in looking for love online, and I have actually encountered a few men online with fairly high profile jobs.  Don’t hide.  If you want to look suspicious having no face shots is an easy way to do it.

11. Pay attention to your backdrop and details – I’ve seen many photos with men still wearing their wedding rings.  They could be old photos, but they are definitely sending a mixed message.  The married man who boasted about cheating on his wife had a baby fence behind him in one of his shots.  Sure it could have been for a dog, but it looked absolutely dreadful.

12. Only one shot – You can’t be bothered. And it increases the likelihood that you won’t look like this one photo.  I have found a good rule of thumb is 5-6 but it never bothers me when a man has 20, as long as 10 of them aren’t landscape shots.

I know men read this blog, because I can tell when they search for it.  Hopefully some of them might re-think their online profile photos after they read this, but maybe not.  I want everyone to find the love of their life out there, so put your best face forward…and please show your freaking face!

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Life After Divorce: Dealing with Loneliness

Date: February 29, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating After Divorce, Dating Online, Depression, Divorce, New York City, Relationships, Straight Spouse, Uncategorized
Comments: 15 Replies
English: Lower Manhattan at late dusk.

Image via Wikipedia

I wish I could write snappy little sentences on this topic, compile a top ten list of things to combat the sense of being utterly alone.  I could give obvious tips like surround yourself with friends, or don’t hide up in your apartment by yourself.  But it would be disingenuous of me to give advice because I don’t have any answers.  I didn’t sign up for being alone in my late thirties: no children, no spouse and very little hope of change.  Someone from my distant past who I don’t know well, put the following on my facebook wall

“Why don’t you just learn to be happy without a man?”

He couldn’t understand that this ridiculously dismissive statement upset me.  Needless to say we are no longer friends. His declaration just seemed like a death sentence.  I should just resign myself to being alone the rest of my life, that somehow wanting a relationship is a weakness.  I can’t imagine someone going up to a man who had ended his marriage and telling him

Who needs a woman?  You should be happy on your own!

I guess some might, but it seems socially more acceptable to espouse this sentiment to a woman instead of a man.  Up until recently women had fewer choices in life than men, it was either get married or struggle on your own.  Now we have a myriad of variations of a healthy adult life.  I am not searching for a partner for a sense of financial stability or cultural acceptance.  I just prefer to live in a committed relationship and not have a series of short-lived affairs.  Not everyone likes the same flavor ice cream and not everyone likes the same lifestyle.  I don’t know how it is a weakness on my part to want to share my life with another.

There is some truth in his statement:  I should learn to love living on my own and I shouldn’t need a partner in my life.  But I am hardly 80 years old.  I don’t think I should accept my fate of a permanently single woman bereft of any romantic endeavors.  Some people tell me I am trying too hard, and I should just let nature take its course.  Well even though I keep trying to convince people otherwise; I really don’t meet anyone in my daily routine.  I work with children in my day job so I meet a lot of married dads, and at night I host burlesque and comedy shows.  Any men that I seem to attract from my performances are not attracted to me in a healthy way, in fact some of them have acted more like stalkers.  They aren’t seeing me, but a fragment of my personality heightened for the stage. These men tend to put me on such a high pedestal; I would have no way to go but down, if I actually tried to have a relationship with any of them.  I have no desire to end up with another comic and further complicate any professional ambitions in that field.  Online dating has been a bit of a fiasco for me, yet I still keep trying with no luck.  I feel entirely stuck.

I also get the criticism that I am not trying hard enough.  I should force myself to go out with nearly any man within reason, including men I have no attraction towards or are much older or younger than me.  I don’t know why I should have to put myself through that hell.  Even going out with age appropriate men I am reasonably attracted to is difficult enough.  Occasionally I will get my hopes up on someone only to quickly give up as they don’t feel the same way towards me, or I discover huge compatibility problems.  As I watch nearly everyone in my social group “couple up” at least temporarily I wonder –  What is it about me that is preventing this from happening?  Is that the trauma of my divorce and subsequent depression too glaring to hide?  Is it due to my lack of trust in other people I read as suspicious?  Do I just seem desperate?  Is it this blog? (So far at least one man has blamed it for changing his mind about a second date).  I don’t know.  I go through periods of not caring at all and then waves of feeling like it is never going to change.

The loneliness is stifling.  I am envious of women with children because at least they have someone in their life who is a part of them forever.  My marriage was little more than lies and deception, but at least I had someone to come home to every night.   My spouse was someone I thought was supporting me and with whom I could share my life.  Now it is just endless nights wondering if this is just the new normal.  I didn’t sign up for this when I committed my life to my husband.   As I watch my fellow single friends start dating people they care about, I know I won’t get to talk to them as often or see them as much.  I am happy for them, but it just makes me feel that much more alone.  I wish I had some sort of pep talk for myself and for readers of this blog.  I don’t.  I continue to hang out with friends who love and support me and reach out to loving family members, but the elusive romantic partnership seems lost to me forever.  The most searched for phrase for this blog is the following.

Why is it so difficult to date in your late thirties?

Although I might be lonely, I am definitely not alone.

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