Dating Online

Dating Online: Rejected by eHarmony? – Share your stories here!

Date: January 20, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating Online, Relationships, Uncategorized
Comments: 13 Replies

So the title says it all. I had a horrible situation with eHarmony and I blogged about it. Then about a year later they sent my email an “icebreaker” from some user called “Craig”. I found that a bit crazy.  I had no account with them, so why was I getting an “ice breaker.”

This is exactly what they sent me, a member who hasn’t been active for a year.

Your profile just made Craig smile.

Breaking the ice is a fun way to start a conversation. Log in to check out Craig and decide if you want to make the next move.

“ I am most passionate about helping others … i like to see others succeed … where I have failed. ”

– Craig, 42 from , Lindenhurst, New York

So what is going on here? Poor Craig from Lindenhurst thinks I am on the site.  When I tried to unsubscribe, the link sent me to a page to re-activate my account.  Now that I have continued to blog about this, some unknown user harassed me on this blog.  Right after I basically shut that mess down, I had eHarmonyJack try to follow me on twitter.  I blocked him immediately.

eHarmony is either still using my account without my consent, or this “Craig” person doesn’t exist. I feel sorry for anyone who thinks I am still on the site.  It is really unethical for eHarmony to use defunct profiles as some type of bait for active members.

I think it is really sad that so many companies take advantage of people looking for love.  And why harass me or any other blogger?  The good folks at eHarmony should expect some dissatisfied customers.  Anyone who has had a bad experience should have every right to share it with the rest of the world.  Match.com, OKCupid and Jdate never sent me emails like this.

I have heard that eHarmony likes to tell people they are undesirable. Well consider this your forum.  If eHarmony deemed you unacceptable, or if you had a bad experience on the site, please share your stories here!

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Dating After Divorce – Dating Online – The Liars

Date: January 16, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating After Divorce, Dating Online, New York City, Relationships
Comments: 11 Replies

I should really call this more adventures in NOT online dating because I am online, but I am not really going on any dates.  Why?  Well most of the guys that email me have what I would call not so desirable profiles, live way to far away or are way out of my age range .  Then the men that I send quick “Hey I would love to go for coffee” emails don’t email me back.  Most men and women go through the “email blow off”, I have learned to let it roll right off of me, as it is just part of the game.  But I just had a few men email me in a row that had such crazy profiles I felt the need to share them with my regular readers.

The Liar – A man or woman who is clearly making stuff up out of whole cloth and sticking on their profile, although sometimes reading these profiles are highly amusing.

  • No photos
  • Photos where you can only see body parts or slivers of their face
  • Wearing sunglasses in every single photo
  • Their occupations or history seem fantastical
  • Their profile it is essentially blank

To be more accurate there are two kinds of liars on-line.  The ones who lie by omission in that they tell you nothing (probably married) or the who create fantasy profiles.  I am going to focus on one of the craziest profiles I found the other day.  This guy was so out-there that I was actually laughing out loud when I read it.

I will change some specifics to protect the man’s identity but he was average looking and claimed to be 30 years old and 5’9″ in height.  He also had photos that looked like professional acting headshots.  The problem was that the headshots appeared about 15-20 years old.  His hair, clothing and the style the photos screamed early 1990’s.  He also had one heavily photo-shopped image of himself dressed as a pilot with no explanation given other than “I am a patriot”. But here I will just breakdown his other ridiculous claims on his profile

Worked as a professional actor for 16 years having done multiple shows and films – OK, so he was some type of child actor since he would have had to start acting at age 14 if that were true or even younger if you believe what he later claims is his current profession.

Worked as a professional model having done several major magazines – Again as a person who knows a thing or two about the modeling industry that is complete horse shit.  He “might” be able to model at 5’9″ if he had an absolutely perfect ripped muscular body, and then he would do underwear or possibly commercial print.  But here is the thing the minimum height for a male model is 5’11”.   Not to mention the guy was hardly good-looking, and he was slightly stocky.  And his terminology was way off, a model wouldn’t say they have done major magazines unless they have done the cover…and how often do you see male models on the cover of magazines?  They are usually on mens magazines and look a lot like the fitness type model I described earlier.  In fact nowadays most magazine covers feature actors and athletes, not models.  If had really booked work modeling he would say ad campaigns, catalog, print work or runway.  He obviously inventing all of it!

I currently work as a Federal law enforcement agent….I wish I was kidding…but no, according to him being a major model and actor for 16 years somehow qualified him to work in federal law enforcement.  I am not sure how you get that lucky break?  Getting a job in federal law enforcement isn’t exactly easy, and there is some training involved that would take time.  So when did he quit modeling/acting?  And wouldn’t it be a huge pay cut?  I mean if he was so successful as an actor/model why quit?  And what is he anyway a SPY?  How daring and bold.

Trained in martial arts for over 25 years…OK so he may have started at age 5 but that seems a little far-fetched given the rest of his profile.

Professional Reflexologist – Which is a person who massages and applies pressure to feet….and then he added that he had a foot fetish.  OK, OK, OK…..gross that he mentioned the fetish ON HIS PROFILE but come on dude, if you really get sexually aroused by women’s feet, then wouldn’t it be sort of impossible to do that for a living?  I mean if it is an actual profession for you, in addition to federal law enforcement and modeling blah, blah, blah…wouldn’t getting an erection all day long make your job kind of difficult.  And again, that would take some training…and how could it fit it in with all the martial arts, modeling, acting and federal law enforcement he is doing!?!  And all at the tender age of 30?  AMAZING!

I am betting this dude lives with his mother and wouldn’t even follow through on a date…and I don’t think it was a joke profile because the email he sent me was very long and equally ridiculous, plus it was on a paid site.   I can’t imagine anyone would spend money for that kind of humor when there are so many free sites out there.   I did send a response as I blocked him basically telling him his entire profile looked like a farce and he might want to try telling the truth if he wants to get a date.

If nothing else these sites are comedy gold.  I just wish they were dating gold!  HA!!!

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Dating in NYC: How to self-sabotage a date

Date: November 15, 2011
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating After Divorce, Dating Online, Divorce, Relationships, Uncategorized
Comments: 13 Replies
English: (ship) half-submerged and sinking.

English: (ship) half-submerged and sinking. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Anyway this is meant as self-deprecating humor.  I am after all a comedian.  I am a lousy dater because for my entire adult life I have been a serial monogamist so I really don’t know how to do the date thing.  I talk to much, I reveal too much, and I am too hyper…but I am hardly nasty and I have heard so many stories from both genders of people being extremely mean or shallow on these dates…so please anyone reading this…the piece was meant as satire, self-parody…don’t take it so seriously!  YIKES! 

Dating is not marriage, dating is one big job interview after another.  Marriage is trying to keep the job you have had for years already have interesting and exciting.  Going from a long-term marriage to the dating pool is rough, I have no idea what I am doing, but I do know when a date is clearly not going to work out.  And to avoid having “the talk” with some guy I barely know, I tend to instead self-sabotage the whole endeavor.   The “talk” is the short brief chat about why I don’t think we are compatible as a romantic couple.  I don’t like getting “the talk” from a man who isn’t interested in me, and I hate giving it.  Since I date mostly men I meet online, it is a total crap-shoot.  I can’t really tell much from a profile, and I have no idea if I will end up having any type of connection with the person.  Most of the time I don’t, and that is not their fault, but merely the nature of the beast.  I don’t get offended or upset when I can tell a man is not viewing me as a potential match.  It is the meeting of two total strangers, it is rare when sparks fly.

I don’t really understand what makes attraction work, but I do know that on a few dates I wanted to crawl over the table and start making out with a guy I had just met.  I didn’t publicly make-out with a total stranger, but in the two times that I have felt that right away, I ended up briefly dating those men.   The two suitors looked nothing alike and had totally different personalities, I can’t explain why both of them were appealing to me, but there it is.  When the initial attraction is not there and the conversation is forced or awkward, then it is time to have “the talk” or resort to self-sabotage.

There are generally two methods of self-sabotaging a date.  The first I call the super clingy needy crazy girl, sometimes the super clingy needy girl act can backfire, and it also makes you look crazier.

  • Talk about marriage immediately
  • Talk about babies immediately, wanting to have babies, your friends babies etc. anything about babies
  • Discuss with your date things that you will do in the far future, things like “I can’t wait to hang with you at Christmas!”
  • Ask way too many super personal questions right off the bat, such as “How many women have you slept with?”, or “How many girlfriends have you had?”
  • Talk about how much you love the man’s neighborhood and would love to live there

The dark torpedo – my preferred method and honestly I do this a bit subconsciously when I don’t even mean to go there.

  • Go on and on about my divorce
  • Talk about being on medication for my clinical depression due to my divorce
  • Ramble on about every ex-boyfriend I have had, or my ex-husband
  • Don’t ask the man any personal questions about himself
  • Discuss politics, history, world wars or something incredibly dark or horrible
  • Lament on all of my family drama and dysfunction
  • Say things like “I really shouldn’t be dating anyone right now”

The torpedo of darkness usually works, and the sad thing is that it sort of comes on me automatically.  It isn’t that I have a master plan and want to be mean, I just don’t watch my bad habits if I am not really into a guy.  And if he isn’t getting the hint I tend to lay it on even thicker.  I would rather have him think that I am broken and not available than to think it is something about him that I don’t like.  Because usually I don’t know why I am not attracted to the guy, I couldn’t tell you if you put a gun to my head.  It is just a quality that can’t be explained, but if it is not there, then it is not there.   I know I have gone through the opposite myself.

Some of my worst dating stories involve the following

  • A date who got noticeably offended and disgusted when I revealed I was from Missouri
  • Another man who bitched about an ex-girlfriend from….20 years ago.
  • A date who said his ex-wife was a bitch in the first five minutes
  • A date who proclaimed  “I don’t get emotionally attached” and then kept trying to steer the conversation to sex
  • A date who told me how much he missed his ex and hoped they would get back together
  • A man who openly told me he wanted to date a friend of mine – and yes this did happen.

If you are stuck in a situation where you think a guy is a decent fellow but you don’t really feel the urge to take the relationship further, use this as a simple guide to drive him away.  So far it has worked every time.  I accidentally learned these techniques from having one horrible date after another and trying to date too soon after I got divorced.   And if you meet a guy you actually want to see again, I strongly suggest you avoid doing any of the above, because you really want to look your best and not like a crazy clingy woman or a dark cloud of doom.

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Weekend Sunrise Interview – Dating After Divorce in a City of Sluts

Date: September 26, 2011
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating After Divorce, Dating Online, Gay Husband, Huffington Post, Relationships, Straight Spouse
Comments: 1 Reply

Below is a clip from an interview I did on Morning Sunrise, Australia‘s #1 Breakfast talk show.  It is their equivalent of the Today Show or so I am told.  They interviewed me based on my Huffington Blog post “Dating After Divorce in a City of Sluts”

The link to the article is here.  It was ridiculously popular having something like 7,000 people “like” it on Facebook and 1400 comments.  I am an unknown, unsigned comedian so the whole thing has been mind-blowing.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/juliet-jeske/dating-after-divorce-in-a_b_944133.html

So they didn’t tell me beforehand that they were going to even mention my ex-husband’s homosexuality.  That was a complete shock to me, they also veered from the script.  I have dealt with the press before so I wasn’t really shocked by that.  The saddest thing is that the interviewer actually says

“In your book”

When in reality it was just one article, no book.  Although I am currently trying to make that happen.  I have no idea how to do it, but I am looking into it.  If I end up getting published you know I am telling everyone on the planet.  🙂

My working title for my book is “Dating in a City of Sluts” or something like that.  I never thought I would write a book in a million years but since I have gotten so much overwhelming positive feedback to go for it, I thought I would give a shot!

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Dating After Divorce – Wife Shoppers & Baby Momma Math

Date: September 25, 2011
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating After Divorce, Dating Online, Gay Husband, New York City, Straight Spouse
Comments: 7 Replies
English: A sleeping male baby with his arm ext...

English: A sleeping male baby with his arm extended (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I always thought I would have kids, my husband and I planned to eventually have a family, but at the age of 36 I discovered my husband was a closeted homosexual.  My marriage immediately ended and I entered the dating pool past my prime reproductive years.   I knew it would eventually take time to have healthy relationships again, and I definitely felt like my biological clock wasn’t just ticking but banging loudly like Quasimodo’s bells through my entire body.

Because I am over 35, some men view me as a lousy match if they want to have kids.  I didn’t think it would be this bad, but in my age range I tend to find hook-up artists who never want to settle down, men messed up from a break-up or divorce, extremely socially awkward men with no dating experience and the men I refer to as wife shoppers.   A wife shopper is usually the following

  • Over 40
  • Never Married – No children
  • At the peak of their professional career
  • About to buy property or has just bought property

Wife shoppers are men searching for the future mother of their children.  They make no bones about wanting to start a family and many won’t consider women over the age of 35.  Women do lose reproductive capacity after 35, and in health terms pregnancies in older mothers are deemed higher risk.  Yet none of my extended or immediate family members have had to use any extraordinary means to get pregnant.  In fact, most got pregnant almost too easily, my aunt and my grandmother both having babies in their forties.  So do I have to print out my medical history and that of my extended family and bring it to dates?  Should I put it on my online dating profiles?  Something tells me that bringing up fertility on a first date would cause most men to bolt.

I have discovered most wife shoppers through online dating websites.  Something about online sites just make it too easy for them.  Men can sort of pick the traits they prefer, height, build, eye color, hair color, age, and if a woman wants children.  On dates, a wife shopper will bring up reproducing almost before they have ordered their first drink.  One of the habits I have noticed is something I call baby momma math.  My date will look at me, ask me my age again, and then I watch them adding up how long we would have to date before trying to start a family, and they aren’t exactly subtle about it.  I have also gotten questions right off the bat such as

  • What neighborhood do you think you would want to live in?
  • Private or Public School?
  • How much debt do you have?
  • How many kids would you want to have?
  • Do you have a good relationship with your family?

I don’t remember this ever happening to me when I was in my twenties.  Maybe it’s something about the personality traits of any man who waits until they are at the peak of their career before getting married and having kids.  In their mind they have a checklist and once they have gone down everything else they want to accomplish in life they move on to starting a family.

Having my marriage end the way it did has given me major trust issues to begin with, so the idea of running down the aisle with a man hell-bent on becoming a father is terrifying.  Divorce is hell on earth and the thought of having another divorce only the second time with children is especially nightmarish.  Rushing into a situation in order to have children with a partner I barely know seems like a recipe for another divorce.

Of course women have been doing this sort of thing for ages.  It is almost a cliché of the single woman over a certain age talking about eggs, biological clocks and running out of time.  When I meet a wife shopper, at first I think it is a good sign because at least this man isn’t like the multitudes who just seem to want to get laid and nothing else.  But then I start to feel like little more than a womb.  Keeping a healthy marriage together especially one with children is extremely difficult.  The union between the two adult partners should be the most important thing, communication, lifestyles, goals, and temperaments must work in harmony before the added stress and pressures of children are added to the mix.  I have accepted that having a biological child may not happen for me, as I would rather not bring children into a haphazard marriage situation.  I just wish I could find something in between the hook-up artists and the men who think nothing of ordering up a wife they way they would a sandwich.

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Dating After Divorce – Do we really need Tough Love?

Date: September 8, 2011
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating After Divorce, Dating Online, Relationships, Uncategorized
Comments: 5 Replies

Since I have been divorced I have tried a number of methods to try to date again, including online dating and speed dating, I recently got the following via email…I won’t mention the company who sent it.  I have edited it for length, but the general premise is still there.

Ever gone on a date that you thought was AMAZING only to this day still wonder why the guy/girl never returned your call for a second date? Meet 10-25 singles at “Tough Love” speed dating, where in the event someone does NOT select you as a “match”, you’ll actually receive feedback as to why via a post-event email summary of each daters constructive and honest comments . At the end of the day, ‘perception is reality’ and ‘knowing is half the battle

There are just so many things wrong with this concept.  For starters, there are _always_problems with market research.  Anyone in marketing can tell you that only a certain percentage of people actually take the time to fill out any survey, and the people who do tend to be skewed to specific personality traits.  Feedback tends to come from customers with an ax to grind.  Customers with the tendency to bitch, moan and complain will be more than willing to fill out surveys or questionnaires to their heart’s content, satisfied customers rarely bother.

Then there is also the concept of people not really knowing what they want until they see it before them.  For instance when surveyed people may say they would hate bubblegum flavored cupcakes, but once given a taste they devour them.  The same goes with dating.  We have all known potential partners who looked great on paper for us, but the minute we met them there was no spark, no chemistry, no reason to pursue them further.  Does this make them inferior and in need of improvement?  Of course it doesn’t, it is just a fact of life.  In the same vein we have all met someone who should have been incompatible for us, and become instantly smitten.  Dating is a strange world full of contradictions and things that simply don’t make logical sense.   We are all like puzzle pieces, some of us fit well together and some of us don’t.

I can’t help but think that a “tough love” speed dating round complete with feedback might attract the very people who like dolling out punishment, and that in a session of brief three-minute dates only the worst criticism would come out.   Some feedback could be useful but most of it would be extremely harmful, lets say out of 15 people you get…

  • You have bad breath – Problem easily solved, so that could be helpful
  • Sloppy or unkempt appearance – Also easily solved
  • You are creepy/crazy – What is a person supposed to do about that?
  • You talk too much or too fast – One man’s chatterbox is music to another man’s ears
  • You don’t talk enough – Not everyone is an extrovert
  • You are too short, tall, thin, fat, old, young – Again it is all relative
  • You aren’t attractive – Imagine getting that feedback from 15 total strangers

Most people in this situation would probably remain vague, especially if they themselves are also being graded and judged.  Most of the cards would probably include things like…

  • He/She isn’t my type
  • No chemistry
  • Not what I am looking for

And that happens to everyone, as if you get 20 people in a room the chances of any one person meeting a person they are attracted to is slim.   So what is the point of this anyway?   Socially awkward people picking apart socially awkward people, my head spins at the thought of such a disaster.  And then the poor man or woman who paid money to try to help increase their chances in the dating world now leaves defeated and broken.  How could this possibly help them?    And imagine going to a speed dating round like this soon after a divorce, and getting negative feedback, as if you needed more rejection and grief.

What I think might work better for anyone out there who is repeatedly going out on dates and can’t figure out why no one seems interested is this–sit down with trusted friends, people who care about you and aren’t making a buck off your misery, and ask your friends and loved ones what they think might help.  Because even the most socially awkward can and will find others who will fit them like a glove.   Your dating problems might be as simple as popping a breath mint, or combing your hair, and you don’t need scorecards from strangers or a “thick skin” to figure that out.

And don’t we all know a couple that is composed of two socially awkward, eccentric or even extremely odd partners?  Maybe instead of improvement or feedback, all they needed was to find another oddball that matched them to a tee.   Sometimes all someone needs to find is another person who really loves their version of being human.  Dating after a divorce is difficult and we all get creative, but personally I would avoid anything as potentially scarring as this.

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Dating Online – The man with no photos

Date: April 27, 2011
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating Online, Relationships, Uncategorized
Comments: 52 Replies

This one is as old as online dating itself, the man with no photos on his profile.  I have a firm warning on my profile that I basically don’t take a profile without photos seriously.  Nor should any woman.  The reason?  Well there are many but the main reason is that most men that are on online dating websites that won’t show their face are either married or involved with someone and looking to cheat.   Why wouldn’t they show their face?  It makes little sense.  So many people are on online dating sites now, that if a married man blatantly had a profile seeking another woman, chances are that friends or co-workers  of his wife or girlfriend might stumble upon his profile.  Openly putting yourself out there on a dating website when married is a very dangerous thing to do.  But take the photos off, change a few details about your occupation, change your age,  where you live and bingo, you have no created a new identity.  Maybe a woman who is naive enough to think that some unseen man has nothing to hide will fall for the ruse.   Most men use their occupation as the reason why they can’t show their face.  All of these are specific examples that I have gotten sometimes multiple times…

  • My job is very high-profile, it would be embarrassing for me to be on here –
  • It could potentially hurt my firm’s reputation if I am seen on a dating website – REALLY?  If they only knew how MANY people are on websites like Match.com at this point, there is hardly any shame in it anymore.  Or that somehow a business deal will go south because a potential client saw you on a dating website and decided you were unstable or something?  Well then what are they doing on the site in the first place?
  • I am a psychologist and it could make my relationship with my patients strained. – Do you think your patients are secretly in love with you or something?  What kind of piece of work writes that?

I have been on dates with people who I met online who have VERY high-profile jobs in their fields.  I won’t comment further, to protect others privacy  but the high-profile job excuse is poppycock.

One man tried to send me photos privately.   And I still have no idea what that was supposed to prove?  OK so I see what he looks like, but again he isn’t willing to expose himself on the site itself, so NO DICE!  I sent him a polite, sorry this doesn’t cut it email and he went off on me in an angry tirade full of venom and vitriol.  I know I can come across as too blunt in written form, but I think I dodged a major bullet with that psycho!  Not only was he probably married, but he had some anger issues!

I am sure that there are women doing the exact same thing on dating websites.  Although since men tend to be more visually orientated than women, I wonder how effective the no photo approach would work.  They probably pull the same tactic, of I will send you photos privately.  It is hard to believe that people would fall for that, but loneliness can really pull a person down into despair, after a while any glimmer of hope starts to look promising.

One no-photo man recently contacted me and because I was in a slightly angrier than usual mood, I sent him a blunt reply basically saying that no woman would take him seriously without photos.  He posted photos within the hour of opening my email!  He wasn’t my type, so I didn’t feel like I missed the boat on that one after scolding him for not showing his mug.

And when in doubt, even if you meet someone online with photos and you buy their story about being single or divorced IMMEDIATELY google their full name when you get home, and if they claim they are divorced google their name and the word wife.  You would be surprised how much information is readily available on the internet at no cost whatsoever.  In one case, I googled a man’s name found his ex-wife’s profile on Facebook and found her listed as single.  That made me feel a million times better, but if it had said married, he would have never heard from me again.  You really can never be too careful, the nature of online dating makes it far too easy for men and women who want to cheat.

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Dating Online – The Super Negative profile

Date: April 10, 2011
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating After Divorce, Dating Online, Relationships, Uncategorized
Comments: 6 Replies
English: Angry cat

English: Angry cat (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I did another search on Match.com tonight and at first glance this guy seemed all right but then I read this…and I am going to break it down into sections…

  • Professional looking for a modern, emancipated, attractive, sane (!!), affectionate, feminine, open-minded, sexy, and sexual woman.

So OK, the sexual part is a bit off-putting as it can come across as kind of creepy.  And he did write it twice, sexy and sexual, so we get it, you are a man who likes sex…shocking!  And sane?  Well who really thinks they are insane?  I think insanity is a relative term.  I dress up in wigs and yell into microphones all over the city for about $40-75 a show and during the day I perform for children as Lulu the clown or paint faces of the extremely rich and privileged.  All in hopes that I might one day get a comedy, voice over or commercial career.  Many would call that insanity.  Even I call it insanity, but I digress.

  • She should be down-to-earth and comfortable in the local diner as much as in a 5 star restaurant. No prude goody-two-shoes or Manhattan socialites, please. I can meet those any day in the city…I am European, liberal, very open-minded and am looking for my match.

OK dude I am with you!  But European causes some red flags in my head.  Are you going to want to move back?  Are you looking for a green card?  It is not a HUGE red flag, but it is something to mention as I love living in New York and I NEVER WANT TO MOVE!  And no goody-two-shoes?  What does that mean?  I don’t drink, smoke or do drugs so some might call me a goody-two-shoes, but I also perform extremely raunchy adult themed material both in stand-up and in the burlesque community.  So I don’t know if in this guy’s book I would be a goody-two-shoes or not!  I guess I ride that Madonna/Whore conflict in my persona a bit on the razor’s edge.  I would definitely not call myself a prude…if you listen to any of my song lyrics…the word prude wouldn’t really come to mind.   But then he wrote this, and any lingering desire I had to wink at him or send him an email disappeared.

After a few weeks on here, I’d also like to add:

  • if you have pictures of you cuddling with your dog/ cat
  • excessive nature pictures
  • pictures of gardens of cherry-blossoms
  • write that you “like the finer things in life”
  • carry around a tiny dog, like a chihuahua, in a luxury bag and refer to it as your “baby”
  • had so much plastic surgery that you start to look like the cat woman
  • every one of your kids is from a different father
  • we are NOT a match. Guaranteed.

Dude!  It is one thing to bitch about these things on a blog, and another thing entirely to put these on your profile where you think potentially interested women might read it…HA! 🙂

I get him on the gold digger hints, the multiple baby daddies…those are obvious red flags.  Although babies and baby daddy situations can be tricky, so it is hard to put a blanket statement out there like that.  As I have know some very stable men and women who might have children with more than one partner.  But in general it is a red flag, I will give him that.

But I call my cats my babies and treat them almost like they are my children.  So what?  And what is wrong with nature shots?  I don’t have any on my profile and they are a bit odd, but who cares?  And he doesn’t like people cuddling with their pets?  That is strange, why would that illicit such a negative reaction in a person?

My hunch is that he is angry and frustrated from the dating process.  Maybe he is the sweetest man on the planet, but online dating is not like ordering a sandwich.  Sure I would prefer someone age appropriate, at least my height, not in the entertainment business and stable…so I get it.  But to put an angry laundry list ON YOUR PROFILE?  I am sure he is still getting multiple emails from multiple women with the very things he describes.  And at the same time driving women like myself away.  Because most people don’t read your profile, yet the slightly more “sane” women do.   So way to go Mr. Angry European for making my online experience that much more entertaining and draining.  HA!  🙂

5/26/11

I just got this one today and I had to add it.  I really felt for this guy as I have been ignored countless times from men online after I sent a short email or wink, so I get it.  But this man shouldn’t have this on his profile, I can’t imagine any woman would send him an email after reading this.  I felt so strongly that I actually sent him a short note basically saying, look, if you only knew what women go through on these sites.  I have had more men personally attack me for no reason than I can to mention.

The first thing I need to say to any woman who reads my profile and is interested in meeting me: SAY SO. Send me a message and invite me to meet you.  I’ve sent several hundred messages to several hundred women of all different types, from all kinds of backgrounds. Each one of them was at least 95% match, 85% friend, and less than 10% enemy. Most were over 98% match.

Aside from ONE woman, I have been utterly ignored.
No “no thank you,” no “you’re not my type, sorry.”

In the words of Steve Buscemi from Fargo: “TOTAL FUCKING SILENCE”

And I ask you, who would respond positively to a profile that starts out like that?  I can’t imagine.  I really do empathize with his situation, but his profile is not helping.   What is that phrase again?  “There is a reason why they are single”

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Dating Online – The Insult Approach

Date: April 2, 2011
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating Online, Relationships
Comments: 1 Reply

Online dating is a window into a portion of humanity that both fascinates and repulses me.  I have met people from walks of life I never would have normally.  Some of the interaction is positive as I get a fair share of compliments from men from all walks of life.  That part is extremely interesting to me, but since I am dealing with human beings of course there is a negative side as well.

The Insult Approach

I really don’t understand this one.  Here is a recent email I got on JDate.com.  The website I joined with the fewest members yet where I am most popular.  I guess it is the Shiksa effect.  I removed his name to protect his identity, but really what the hell was he thinking?

I just love everything you have to say, well perhaps not the 2 cats in a small apartment … and although being a classic liberal jew, not a big fan of unions … I can explain 

Would love to speak to you about it.

I mention in my profile, that since both of my parents were union for most of their careers, that I am a lifelong democrat.  And I am extremely pro-labor, probably more pro-labor than most democrats.  I also briefly mention that I live in a small studio apartment with two cats.  Meant as a slight self-deprecating joke, but true.  I actually prefer to live in a small space if I am living alone anyway.  I am not exactly a materialistic person.  I buy most of my clothing off of ebay and I ALMOST NEVER PAY RETAIL. I also don’t have cable, have a working television or a car.  I live simply and I like it that way. 🙂

So what is this idiot thinking?  If this was his attempt at humor, he missed the mark completely.  I have learned the hard way that sarcasm is difficult to pick up on in written form.  TRUST ME!  I still get in trouble with this all the time.  HA!   I have what I like to call “Foot in mouth disease!”  And I couldn’t even count how many times an attempt at a joke on Facebook or in an email missed its mark.  So when I communicate with complete strangers online, I try to leave the sarcasm out!

So what is he doing? Insulting me for living in a small apartment?  Insulting me for owning cats?  Well I am not giving them up for anyone, the only exception being if I had a child that was allergic.  I certainly wouldn’t give them up for a relationship!  I did that once and I would never do it again.  I am sorry I am not wealthy, I guess I need to step it up and get that bigger apartment in this dreadful economy as a working artist.  And then he bashes unions?  Well sir I don’t care if you are a big fan of them or not, I put that on my profile to weed out the libertarians and republicans.  Sure I have plenty of friends that are both, but I would usually avoid dating one.  I can’t say I would never date someone with different political leanings, but relationships are hard enough, and I am passionate about politics, so there is no way I am going to have THAT fight repeatedly for the rest of my life!  And what did he mean that

“I don’t like unions…I’ll explain”

What was he planning on some lecture on his view of economics?  SNORE!

I have also gotten things like, and these were all from men I DID NOT CONTACT in any way, these comments just showed up in my inbox.

  • I can’t believe you like the Beatles, that is so typical (I have nearly every song memorized!)
  • I guess you are just one of those bitches that only emails the mean boys – (I wasn’t even sure what this meant)
  • Why would you like nerdy smart guys?  What is wrong with you? (There is a problem with liking smart people?)
  • Why are you so uptight about your age range? – My age range is 33-43 (That is 10 years!)
  • I guess you have a basis against older men, you should really be more open-minded. (From a 55-year-old)
  • Vegetarians are losers! (Wow, well now that you said that total stranger bring on the bacon!)

I have heard that men get the same treatment.  Does this ever work?  Do men or women respond positively to the random insult?  Are some people secret masochists that think,

Hey now this is my kind of woman/man!  They already hate me!

Or maybe some folks out there who like a dominating partner, and this kind of

  • Let me tell you something sister…
  • Let me tell you how to live your life…
  • Or what you don’t understand is…

I guess some people like that sort of treatment, I can’t stand it. Generally speaking, if I want advice I ask for it, I absolutely hate unsolicited advice as I think most people do!

The passive aggressive approach of men and women who, resentful of a person they think may not respond to them otherwise, figure that getting a negative reaction is better than no reaction.  Sort of like the man on the street who will cat call a woman and then immediately insult her.  I remember one such instance, as I was crossing the street in Washington Heights, no makeup, my hair in a pony-tail while wearing big baggy jeans and a puffy coat, I hear this from a car waiting for the light to change.

“Hey Sexy!”

When I don’t show any response, about 5 seconds later I hear

“Fat Ass!”

And  I am certain he couldn’t even see my ass, as my coat was covering it.  But whatever, sort of the same effect.  I did respond to Mr. let me insult your apartment, your cats, and unions.  I won’t print my response here, but it was something to the effect of

Sir, if this was your attempt at humor, you blew it.  You are blocked.

Oy Vey!

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Dating Online – Things on a profile that completely turn women off

Date: February 11, 2011
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating After Divorce, Dating Online, Uncategorized
Comments: 4 Replies

So this is re-posted from another old blog of mine, but since I am on a roll with this topic so to speak…

Because I am a freelancer and my social life revolves around the New York Burlesque and Alt-Comedy scenes, I don’t even KNOW a lot of men.  And I have a strict NO-COMEDIANS rule.  Which leads me to online dating.  I know it is hell out there trying to date in NYC.

Things that make me Cringe.

1. Semi-nude or posed shirtless photos.  I am not talking about hanging with your friends at the beach photos, but obviously staged photos of yourself as naked as possible, the “classiest” taken by yourself with a cell phone into a mirror.  Now would you walk up to a stranger and flex while half naked? Maybe you would.  Then you are not the boy for me.

2. Overly long profiles.  I don’t really bother if they are super long.  The photo tells me so much, if I am not attracted, I am not attracted and when I see a really long profile I just think “oh great work!” and I move on.  There are thousands of guys out there.  Keep it simple.

3. Overly ANGRY profiles! Don’t complain about all the other women you have dated in your profile!!!!  We have all been through the mill, who doesn’t bitch about an ex or two?  But please not on the profile!  It is also not a great place to tear down my entire gender.  You are looking for a WOMAN right? Then stop bitching about them.  And my favorite line so far “Be EMOTIONALLY AVAILABLE…leave your baggage at home, think positive and let’s have a good time”  And yes he used all caps.  So I need to be emotionally available for him, but I am not allowed to discuss my own problems.  Well at least he is straightforward.  HA!

4. Don’t lie about your age.  This one is fairly obvious, oh and pay attention to my age range, if you are 10 years over my limit….seriously???  And I think the magical age on these sites is 49, we all know you are not 49, who are you kidding?  If you are looking like my dad, we know you are NOT 49.

5. Sunglasses in your primary photo really? They warn you not to do this, and I can see why, they make you look incredibly pretentious and I can’t really see your face?   Brooding?  Sexy? Mysterious?  No.  I have over 200 in a search I am not going to take the time to see what lies beneath!

6. Don’t continually pester me repeatedly if I don’t respond to your “wink” I am doing you a favor, I am not interested, there are so many women out there.  And my least favorite tactic is when I spend all of 5 minutes checking my e-mail on there and I get a “Hey I see you are online, did you get my “wink”?, What is your number?  We should go out some time?”  This has happened more than once, so do these guys LIVE online?  Ready to pounce?  Creepy!!!

7. Less philosophy – Just the facts – Now some women may disagree but the more “crazytown this is how I see the universe” you get the more I want to hit that little X button at the top of your profile and never see your mug again.  I get it, but then I don’t get it.  And lines like “What can you expect from me….the unexpected!” or “Your Mr. Right is Right here!” honestly?  Does that work for anyone????

8. Limit on the Action/Adventure shots.  OK I get it you like Scuba diving, but one photo would have been enough, seven of you with goggles and I still can’t see your face!  And what is up with Scuba diving?  Maybe its fun, I don’t know I never tried it, but it isn’t exactly the sexist sport out there.  And I think I have seen hundreds of scuba diving photos at this point..hundreds!   Now a rowing, rugby or mountain climbing?  DAMN!  Those are sexy sports.  And even the classics like baseball, basketball, football or soccer can make you look good depending on the context of the photo.  But Golf?  Golf is so BORING, and it might but a joy to play but, still photos of you playing golf……are not exactly chick magnet material.  And OK so you run marathons, that is great, but can you include ONE photo where you are not covered in sweat, and wearing tiny little shorts?

9. Be realistic about distance – OK I live in BROOKLYN, dating someone in the Bronx would be considered a long distance relationship.  Philadelphia? Don’t they have women in Philadelphia?  I don’t want to move and that is just way too much effort if I don’t already know and love ya!

10. Try to look STRAIGHT! – Now this is probably the most controversial thing I am bitching about.  Because after all what is looking or acting straight?  I of all people should know, I married a gay man, HA!  We all know there are many shades to the rainbow.  But having all your photos be of yourself in clubs surrounded by beautiful men, perfectly manicured with stunning wardrobes and amazing haircuts, isn’t really screaming “I love women”!   I think I have sadly seen many a deep closet case looking for the wrong gender on these sites.  Sad.

11. Boys, be Realistic about YOUR age range. – So you are 45.  And your age range is 22-28?  Are you independently wealthy?  Are you devastatingly handsome?  Are you hysterical and loaded with wit and charm? Maybe you can bag a 22 year old, but my suspicion by the look of your photo/profile is that you have never dated in your life!  Come on!

12. I am MORE than a womb! – So I just saw a profile where all the guy talked about was wanting children.  He wanted 2 children and wanted to start trying in the next 1-2 years.  I am like DUDE!  Let’s go on a date first!  I understand his need to reproduce, but if your entire profile is about baby making.  YIKES!

13. Poorly written or Overly jokey profiles – If you entire profile reads as sarcastic, most people might think you are a jerk.  Lines like – “What is a typical Friday night for you?” and you answer – “Being completely awesome while I hunt for puppies and unicorns!”  I guess for some women, that might be perfect, but I will just think your crazy!  Or abuse of the written language such as: “R U the 1 for Me?”, or obvious misspellings.  Call me uptight, but it make me think you are of lower intelligence!  Yes I am a bit of a snob when it comes to language…..I am not the world’s greatest writer, and I will openly admit it!  But language is what separates us from all other SPECIES ON THE PLANET!  You don’t exactly see chimps writing novels, so USE SPELL CHECK, or open a DICTIONARY!

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