Gay Husband

Life After Divorce: The Kinship of Divorce

LOL Just divorced. And no, that's not my car.

LOL Just divorced. And no, that’s not my car. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A few months ago I had to make yet another trip to my bank to sort out some lingering financial ties with my ex-husband.  I had no idea when I set up our mutual funds as joint accounts, that getting them cut in half once divorced would be next to impossible.  Splitting mutual funds or any investment containing stocks requires such an overwhelming amount of challenging paperwork it isn’t even worth explaining here.   This trip to the bank was my third attempt, and the mutual fund company had given me the wrong information, again.

Sitting across from me, in one of those cubicles for private banking transactions was a manager, a small woman with dark hair and olive skin, maybe about 10 years older than myself.  She was firmly explaining that I would have to re-do my paperwork and bring in my ex-husband with me before they would sign the necessary form to get our joint account split.  I kept explaining what the mutual fund had told me, yet she wouldn’t back down.  It went back and forth like this for at least 20 minutes slowly escalating as I got more and more worked up, until finally I said simply.

“Do you know how hard these things are?  Do you understand why I don’t want to deal with my ex-husband with this?  Have you ever been divorced?”

To which she replied simply.

“Yes, I have and it was awful”

My mood immediately changed and I said.

“I’m sorry”

She then went on to explain to me how her husband had ruined her, she had managed to get full custody but through a ridiculous loophole on his part got no child support.  She wouldn’t go into too many details but said simply.

“I don’t care, I have my daughters and that is all that matters to me, I live paycheck to paycheck I am not sure how I am going to make it but I am free and I don’t care about his money, I just wanted out”

And I started crying.

She whipped out a box of kleenex and told me

“Look, this mutual fund is only for $2,000 don’t make yourself crazy over $2,000.  I know you want to put it in your IRA but it isn’t a lot of money and it isn’t worth this.”

I shook my head.

“I know, I just want it to be over.  I was ruined too, I lost everything even my ability to pay my rent.  I have looked for work and there is nothing out there, so I just do whatever I can to keep from starving, I used to work with my ex.  He is doing great and I can’t even buy food”

Then we just sat there for a few minutes sharing different parts of our stories.  In the end we got up and hugged each other before I left, as she gave me more specific instructions on exactly what I needed to do the next time to get my investment split.

I have had many other experiences like this since my divorce.  Perfect strangers instantly become friends the minute they say.

“I am also divorced”

I know many friends who have tried to empathize with me, with a long-term split that was not a marriage.  I have written before about the differences between a long-term relationship with cohabitation ending and a divorce.  In most cases a divorce is more traumatic, as both parties entered into a marriage thinking it was a lifetime partnership.  The wedding, family members getting much more involved, lifetime expectations are all different in a marriage than just a relationship.  Divorce is just so hellish, so terrifying and so life-altering very few things compare in terms of trauma.

But one of the strange unexpected side-effects is what I have found is the kinship I feel immediately between fellow divorced people.  It is immediate, and it doesn’t seem to matter how long the marriage or the reasons for their divorce.  We both understand each other in a way that non-divorced people don’t quite get.  I felt it with the bank manager as soon as she said she was also divorced and that her divorce was a difficult and painful one.  We became instant friends, the argument disappeared and I had empathy for her and her daughters immediately.   I didn’t have this before, in fact I didn’t really understand divorce as it is rare in my extended family.   It is as if going through the fires of hell and then surviving it, we form an army of battered souls.  Our fairy tales didn’t have a happy ending, in fact for some of us the entire dream was just a farce, a lie, a fraud.   So we aren’t going to see the world in the same way again, we aren’t going to have that sunny outlook necessarily on romance or romantic partnerships.  But we enter into an odd kinship with others who have been in the same place.

I tell anyone newly divorced to seek out fellow divorced people, sit down with them and talk.  Talk about everything and anything and most of us will listen.  I had another friend, who recently had a bit of a breakdown.  She had entered into a relationship immediately after her divorce and seemed really happy.  I marveled as she was the only person I knew that once divorced didn’t seem to go through the stages of self-destructive behavior or rebound romances that so many of my other divorced friends went through.   I didn’t know how she managed it, but she seemed relatively unscathed.  But a couple of years after the fact she finally melted down.  She called it a “ticking time bomb” that little by little let out its poison.  She had not yet mourned for the marriage and hadn’t allowed herself to heal properly and as a result the new relationship ultimately fell apart.  I really felt for her, I thought somehow she had escaped the torment by being in a healthy relationship right after her divorce, but I was wrong.  The demons caught up with her, and it was a little heartbreaking to here her talk about it.

Divorce really is one of the worst things an adult can survive, but we do survive and move forward.  Most of us worked hard on our marriages and never thought it would happen to us, but it did and now we have to live with our shattered lives.  If nothing else my divorce has caused me to become far less judgmental of other people’s situations.  It has also given me the gift of empathy of a depth that I really didn’t have before.  Unfortunately I have developed a wall of ice about 12 feet thick around me that doesn’t seem to allow a new partner anywhere near me, but I am working on that.  When I first left my husband I had no such defenses and got hurt horribly, so I learned to put that wall up.  A few months ago it was probably 20 feet thick, so in time it will melt away.   At least I hope it will, but at least I have this strange unexplainable kinship with anyone out there who has been through a divorce.  We will get better, but it will take time.  Solidarity to anyone out there recently divorced, you are far from alone.

Follow me on Twitter https://twitter.com/JulietJeske

Add me on Facebook Juliet Jeske Facebook Fan Page

Is Living a Life in The Closet a Victimless Crime?

A wall closet in a residential house in the Un...

A wall closet in a residential house in the United States. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I recently wrote a piece on the John Travolta sex scandal.   What surprised me more than anything were the comments condemning me for having disdain for “The Closet“.   I am not shocked by any comment as  I get all sorts of negative comments, some vicious, some personal attacks and some that are just downright baffling.  It really takes all kinds in the comment section of a Huffington Post piece! 🙂  In most examples people just project their own agenda or perspective on to my articles no matter what I have written.  In some cases they even put words into my mouth, or proclaim that I am making blanket statements when I am not.

But the comments that really floored me were in defense of a life lived inside “The Closet”.   One commenter got so worked up he referred to me as a bigot.  According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary a bigot is the following

Bigot – a person who is obstinately or intolerantly devoted to his or her own opinions and prejudices; especially: one who regards or treats the members of a group (as a racial or ethnic group) with hatred and intolerance.

I guess he might be right to a point, as I don’t really like liars.  I don’t know if I would say I treat them with hatred and intolerance, but I think adults are accountable for their actions.  If someone wants to hide their sexual orientation, it’s their right, but the minute they mislead someone else to keep their secret – they tend to lose my sympathy.

My critic didn’t mention anything about gay men and women marrying straight partners under false pretenses.  He was more upset that I had dared to say I had disdain for “The Closet”.  He claimed since I was openly criticizing those who choose to live a secret life, I was adding yet another stigma for gay men and women.  It was difficult to wrap my brain around this logic.  For instance if a gay man is living as a straight man, he has to lie to pretty much everyone in his life to keep up the illusion.  I also not sure what kind of intimate relationships a closeted person could have, if they tell no one about their sexual orientation.

In my piece I never advocated for forcibly “outing” anyone.  I mainly stated repeatedly that it is a shame that anyone would have to live in that personal hell.   And by hiding their true nature, closeted homosexuals are hurting the gay rights movement at large, to quote the late gay rights advocate Harvey Milk

Gay brothers and sisters,… You must come out. Come out… to your parents… I know that it is hard and will hurt them but think about how they will hurt you in the voting booth! Come out to your relatives… come out to your friends… if indeed they are your friends. Come out to your neighbors… to your fellow workers… to the people who work where you eat and shop… come out only to the people you know, and who know you. Not to anyone else. But once and for all, break down the myths, destroy the lies and distortions. For your sake. For their sake. For the sake of the youngsters who are becoming scared by the votes from Dade to Eugene. – source wikiquote

If every homosexual were out and proud, the harassment and discrimination would lessen, because nearly everyone would discover they have a close friend, co-worker, neighbor even family member who is gay.   If every homosexual were out and proud it would be obvious to everyone in the straight community that there are gays and lesbians in every facet of our lives, every occupation, every race, every religion and every socioeconomic level.

Many compare the civil rights movement to the current struggle for gay rights.  The obvious difference being that a black man or woman cannot pretend they are white.  They cannot for a moment hide their skin color.   They cannot simply marry a white person and try to pass as Caucasian.  They can’t live a sham life and then decide to live as black on the weekends, or go to black bars under an assumed name.   They can’t log onto a black website and to try to find other blacks to hang out with and secretly be black when it is convenient for them.  So although the struggles for racial equality and sexual orientation equality are similar that difference is pretty fundamental.  In fact, if gays had no option of hiding, would their movement be further along by now?  It is difficult to say as there are so many other factors that contribute to homophobia, but most other oppressed groups do not have the same form of “Closet” in which to hide.

Of course “The Closet” is subjective.  A gay person could tell their close friends but not their co-workers.  Or they could tell most of their family but maybe not announce it to their 92-year-old grandmother.   Of course not all aspects of a person’s personal life have to be so public, but any intimate partner should not be misled.

There are also examples of people who simply live their lives blatant and in the open but without ever really coming out and announcing their sexual orientation.  I can think of any number of celebrities that have lived with a same-sex partner, never declaring their orientation but never using a straight person as a cover.  It is as if they are in the closet but with the door open, everyone pretty much knows they are gay but they don’t make an issue out of it.  I know this frustrates some in the gay movement, as they want as many public figures as possible “out and proud”.  I understand their frustration, but for me as long as a gay person isn’t using someone to hide their orientation, I don’t see the problem.   In fact by living a quiet and tranquil life they are reinforcing the idea that being gay is simply another way of being human, and that gay relationships are sometimes just as boring and mundane as straight ones.

If you are gay, and you feel like there is no way to be honest with your family and friends, you truly have my sympathy.  But you might be surprised, as they may not react as negatively as you think.  Public attitudes towards homosexuality have gotten much more positive in recent years, and the trend is towards total acceptance for the entire GLTBQ community.  Hopefully with time, same-sex marriage will be legal in all 50 states, and anti-gay discrimination laws will be universal.   Regardless, if you are gay and feel the need to hide, please don’t fraudulently get another person wrapped up into your life.   Some mixed orientation marriages are happy and healthy, but almost always when they are based on honesty and open communication.

In an ideal world, anyone’s sexual orientation could remain private without controversy.  A child could openly talk about their two mommies at school and no one would think to call the principal in protest.  Two men could live in a quiet suburb and raise an adopted child without causing anyone concern.  A young gay teen could proudly take a same-sex partner to a dance without it making the local news.

I am not gay, but my life was nearly ruined by “The Closet”.  Damaged from my experience I will probably carry those scars for the rest of my life.   So anyone advocating for a life hidden safely inside a lie, I would say this.  A life in “The Closet” yeilds unintended consequences.  And if some gays remain in hiding, who is going to stand up to the bullying, the harassment, the discrimination and hate?  A life lived in fear and shame is no way to live.   If gay men and women want true equality, they can start by first burning that closet door down forever and never hiding again.  And doesn’t everyone want an intimate partner they can have a larger part of their family and social group?  Anyone living in “The Closet” can’t fully express their love for a same sex partner, in the same way that heterosexual could, and that’s tragic.

As a straight spouse I choose to not hide my past, in fact it is all over the internet.  Anyone can find my story and ridicule me for it, or maybe not ask me out on a second date because they just can’t handle it,or send me crazy angry emails.  By making my story so public,  I get some grief, but I would rather live my live in truth than try to hide my past in shame.

Follow me on Twitter https://twitter.com/JulietJeske

Add me on Facebook Juliet Jeske Facebook Fan Page

On being a Straight Spouse – Broken Memories

I am normally a comedian, but anyone who knows comedians know we tend to be a little morose from time to time.  For some reason it seems to help me get past some of these dark moods when I write them down and put them on my blog.  Don’t worry regular readers there are some things I wouldn’t never put on this blog, they are just too personal or might unintentionally hurt someone, so they stay on paper never to make it to cyberspace.

The other day a relatively new person in my life wanted to know the specifics of my ex-husband‘s realization that he was gay.  Most people assume at some point in our marriage, my ex simply found the courage to finally be honest with himself and me.  I wish that were the case, but I was not given that consideration.  Like many straight spouses, instead of the truth being revealed to me,  I had years of lies, excuses and finally betrayal.  It wasn’t until I found hard evidence of his true sexual orientation that I could finally move on.  Even with this proof right in front of his face, and all pretense removed, he still tried to deny reality.  In the weeks that passed he finally admitted his inner-deception.  I was then faced with the harsh realization that on some level my entire marriage was a fraud.   The depths of deep sorrow are hard to describe, and the confusion of others towards me never really ends.  Many cannot contemplate how insidious the wound of being a straight spouse, cuts right through a person.  Meaning well they will flippantly try to reassure me with lines such as…

Well at least he didn’t cheat on you with a woman
 

All I can think is, well if he cheated on me with a woman at least I could understand that.  Infidelity is common in many marriages and some even survive the trauma.  If he had cheated on me with a woman we might still be together. Depending on the specific circumstances I might have been able to forgive him and move on.  Marriage is a lifetime commitment and a lifetime leaves plenty of chances to make some fairly big mistakes. As it stands I have to live with the knowledge that he never really wanted me.  That realization is horrifically painful.

You know he really loved you. He couldn’t help he was gay

I guess but, if he really loved me he wouldn’t have used me in this way.  He knew what he was doing to me, he knew his was keeping secrets, he knew he was lying.  I don’t quite understand the concept of “The Closet” as he has admitted he has known since he was a child, and then in the same breath tried to reconcile his relationship with me.  So which was it?  I can’t help but think he was just suppressing what he knew was there all along and I was his collateral damage – nine years of a life, years of sacrifice and compromise, and romance that wasn’t real.

The suicide rate for straight spouses is three times higher than those in a traditional divorce.  A straight spouse has to deal with a lot: damaged sexuality, loss of trust, social stigma, and wounded self-esteem.  To make matters worse, a straight spouse cannot even look back to happier memories, as even they become tainted.  My happy memories are broken like crumpled photographs that cannot be flattened properly no matter what method I try.   As if the photographic images have scratches ground into them permanently across smiling faces.  The first time I met my ex, our first kiss, and of course my entire nine years of sex with a man who didn’t really want to be there.  Our first apartment, our first Christmas, every memory is now clouded and defamed.   And I wonder what are these memories like to him?  I can’t imagine and I don’t really care.  He generally acts like he was never married.  I don’t exist.  It was just a bad dream.  

My feelings for him have changed so much, he was once so important so central to my being and now he is just someone who knows me so well but I really never knew at all.

Our entire wedding haunts me now, as one big farce.  I had an absolutely beautiful ceremony, perfect weather, supportive families, and a wonderful, gorgeous celebration.  I look back at it now and want to erase it from my brain.  I’m not angry anymore as I gave up on the anger a while ago.  The rage was doing nothing more than grinding me down, so I released it.  But I still feel a deep sadness that will flare up from time to time at times completely unexpectedly.  I will find myself staring off thinking about one aspect of it, and others around me will comment that I look sad or lost.  I don’t realize I’m doing this, it is as if my mind just takes over for a few minutes and I sink back into the sorrow if only for a moment.  My trust issues are tantamount, I can’t fathom being married again, it is just so foreign a concept after what I went through.

I could have chosen to keep it hidden, continued the secret to protect him and protect myself from judgment and labels but since “The Closet” nearly destroyed me I would rather leave its door in charred splinters and not continue the pretense one more day.

Now I live with the shame and the invasive questions along the lines of…

How did you not know?

As if there is something wrong with me, as if I somehow brought this upon myself with a shortcoming or character flaw.  Not that I was just prey for a self-serving person who needed, a partner to hide his secret life.  I know there are some that laugh at me and mock my situation.  They aren’t surprised that this happened to me, as if it is a joke, or I am not worthy of a normal relationship.  Somehow my fiercely feminist bent lead me to a gay emasculated husband.  Even though my ex is an extremely strong personality who dominated our relationship and marriage.  He was hardly a push-over or hen-pecked wimp.  He was the center of everything all the time. He didn’t mince about or act effeminate, he didn’t lisp or act in a flamboyant manner. He was just a man who acted if anything somewhat asexual rather than overtly gay.  We had a sex life that was normal, but it slowly become dysfunctional.  A decreased sex life is not unheard of in traditional marriages.  I begged my husband to seek treatment for what he claimed was erectile dysfunction, and the more I pushed the worse things got.

So I look for solace, calm, and peace and I am beginning to find it.  But in order to move on I have to wipe out whole sections of my past.  Every memory is now clouded and opaque.  I have to instead focus on how much stronger I have become after nearly being destroyed.  How I have gained compassion and empathy towards others and courage I didn’t know I had in me.  I have learned to forgive myself for all the damage that I wrought in the aftermath of the fall.   If anything this personal hell has taught me that no one has it easy in life, even those who seem to have everything they want.  Their loved ones die for no real reason, they suffer loss, disappointment and tragedy.  We can choose to wallow in the muck or pull ourselves up out of it.  I strive every day now, to move forward. As painful as it is for me to write some of these blog posts, I know it is helping other people.  For whatever reason when I throw these demons into cyberspace they grow quieter in my head.

One thing that has helped me in my recovery are the many straight spouses that read this blog and have shared their stories with me.  No one really understands this torture except someone who has gone through it.  And we will survive it, it just takes time, patience and a world of strength.  Solidarity to anyone who found this blog who is going through the same thing.  It will get better.  🙂

For more help a wonderful resource – Straight Spouse Network – Chat rooms, discussions, stories and you can even find local support groups in your area.  I am a semi-regular member of the NY city chapter.  You will rarely find people that truly understand our unique situation.  I can’t say enough good things about this organization.

Related articles

Follow me on Twitter https://twitter.com/JulietJeske

Add me on Facebook Juliet Jeske Facebook Fan Page

julietjeskeblog.com  Thanks for reading!