Straight Spouse

Life After Divorce: The Emotional Prism

Date: January 28, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Depression, Divorce, Straight Spouse, Uncategorized
Comments: 4 Replies

English: Human Experiences, depression/loss of...

One of my most popular blog posts is about the illness of depression. A well-meaning friend just posted something on Facebook basically with the following sentiment, I will paraphrase for length

Don’t be negative or sad, we have all had tough times.  And I have had a lot of tragedy in my life but I refuse to go down that negative path. I will keep it positive.

A nice straight forward message really but it just struck me as overly simplistic and naive.  I know someone else who commonly expounds a familiar message yet is usually sedated with alcohol or marijuana for most of his waking hours.  So I don’t know how well the philosophy is working out for him if he is always drunk or stoned in order to “keep it positive” especially since both of his drugs of choice have a sedative effect.  What really stuck in my craw though in the statement was the assumption that somehow since he had also had tragedy, his pain and life experience was somehow the equivalent of another person’s experience and that his “power of positive thinking” was keeping him from going down a spiral.  For the most part I would agree with him completely, except in the example of the mental illness of depression.

As a person who struggled with a massive reactive depression (due to my divorce) a sentiment like that just rings hallow. I wish it were that easy, and all it would take was to “keep it positive” and that every person out there could be helped with nothing more than a pep talk.  But human beings are like snowflakes in that no two of us are alike. We might be similar in that we all desire food, comfort, companionship and safety and we would all react similarly to basic stimulus or dangers. But even in my immediate family each of my siblings, with similar DNA, raised in the same home by the same parents do not respond to crisis or stress in the same way. We see the world through the prism that our life experience has created for us.

For instance if you had two identical twins, one who grows up as an abused child in a poverty-stricken family and another brought up as a privileged child with a healthy and supportive family.  Neither experience guarantees that one person will necessarily be more positive or negative than the other, but since their formative years were so vastly different they will evolve into two very different adults.  We are all made up of a patchwork of pain, scars, joys and accomplishments with different traumas and experiences so of course issuing a blanket statement such as

I have had it rough too, so I can relate to your pain…

Well maybe, but you aren’t me and I am not you so you don’t really know what I am going through.  We can try to understand each other but no one really can see inside another person’s head.   And that is without even mentioning the mental illness of depression.  The words depression and depressed are thrown around so often in our culture, that the real disease of depression is mitigated to every day blues.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  Getting some bad news and mulling over it for a few days is not depression.  Clinical depression is a biological disorder that impedes every bodily function from eating and sleeping to getting basic every day tasks accomplished.  It is why people are sometimes hospitalized for it, and why some even receive successful Electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) for depression. ECT is actually quite effective for patients with extreme cases of depression.  So if positive thinking could over come it, why does it take electrical currents inducing a seizure to help cure the patient?   Depression is a type of brain sickness that is not cured by simply snapping out of it or thinking positively.   It is also why so many people commit suicide while struggling with the disease, as it completely takes over them and they can’t see logically, they can’t see hope.

As the brilliant Dr. Sapolsky says in his lecture on Depression

Depression is the inability to feel pleasure

And that is pleasure in anything, food, comfort, a pet, music, any activity that used to be enjoyable ceases to bring joy.  Now that I am two years out of my personal hell I know exactly what he is talking about.  I still struggle with anxiety and mood swings but I am able to feel real joy now in any number of things.  I didn’t know how bad off I was until I was completely healed from it.

We can have empathy for each others struggles and we can relate to another’s pain but the only person who really understand their suffering is the person going through it.   I am not one to argue that no one has any control over their moods and emotions, or that clinical depression is a hopeless malady.  And I would agree that run of the mill pessimism and negative thinking is counter productive to leading a happy life.  However it is foolish to assume someone struggling from a major depression simply has a case of the blues or is just feeling sorry for themselves.  The fine line between the two does exist, and there are many that wallow in their own misery committing acts of self-destructive behavior rather than get help.  But after I went through a major depressive episode I will never be so blithe as to accept that a person is choosing their illness or emotionally weak as a result.

And here again is the lecture that I believed put me on the path to recovery.  For the first time I realized what was happening to my brain was medical and not something I could just snap out of.  Just as it would be insensitive to go to a person with schizophrenia and tell them to “Stop hearing those voices” it is just as cruel to tell a depressed person to simply “Get Happy“.

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Divorce – The Blame Game and the many shades of gray

Date: January 10, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Divorce, Gay Husband, Relationships, Straight Spouse
Comments: 9 Replies

Marriage

So I am starting this one worked up again, as that is usually what compels me to write.  One of the things that kind of drives me crazy with divorce is the “blame the victim” mentality.  That is, for some there is never a victim in a divorce, that both sides of the conflict must share the blame of the split and they won’t budge from that viewpoint.  Another blogger, who I absolutely won’t mention as I don’t want to give him publicity or attention cherry-picked one of my articles.

This is how he quoted me.

By her third sentences, she regrets having acted as she tells others they should not — “but not completely.” Why? you may ask. No need: Her run-on sentence goes on to say that she was “mad, extremely mad at my husband who had been…” blah, blah, blah.

Those blah, blah, blahs….that he left out were in fact quite important.  I wrote the following.

I was mad, extremely mad at my husband who had been lying to me for years and living as a closeted homosexual. I had nine years of sacrifice and struggle to keep a relationship together that was ultimately a fraud at its core.

My critic also goes on to criticize me for basically taking none of the blame of my divorce.  And to quote him directly, he claims

“I was 100% right and he was 100% wrong” story.

I hate to break it to this self-proclaimed divorce expert, but sometimes…divorces really are that lopsided.  I can think of my example, and most straight spouses.  A straight spouse is someone who was misled by a closeted homosexual into believing that they entered a marriage with a heterosexual partner.  In some cases, the straight spouse may know beforehand that their partner is gay, has gay tendencies or a gay past and they choose to marry them anyway.  However usually the closeted partner will go to extreme lengths to hide their sexuality.  When the truth is finally revealed what is the straight spouse to do to save the marriage?  Continue to live a lie?  Live a non-traditional marriage perhaps having new sexual partners, but remaining in a sham marriage? My ex-husband begged me to stay with him, work out an arrangement, live with him in a fraud, he was willing to do almost anything to keep me.  I didn’t want to live a lie anymore so I left him.

The only exception I can think of is that if a gay partner and a straight partner choose to stay in a relationship and everything is above-board and honest.  I know of a few examples of non-traditional relationships that work quite well.  But in my situation deception was the only thing keeping my marriage together.  And I knew that by keeping my ex-husband in the closet would ultimately destroy him.  Because “the closet” is a horrible, miserable existence.

If anything by leaving my husband I released him from this destructive self-loathing.   So I am not going to take half of the blame for my divorce.  I was fully committed to my husband, I never had an extramarital affair and that was even after my marriage became celibate.   I put up with lies and excuses because I was dedicated to making my marriage work.

There are other examples of blame not going evenly to both partners, such as

  • One partner is physically abusing the other or abusing the couples children
  • One partner is a serial cheater and has not been faithful to their spouse and cannot be faithful to any partner
  • One partner is leading a secret life that puts his or her family in jeopardy.  i.e. criminal activity without the other partners knowledge
  • One partner is mentally ill and refuses to get treatment
  • One partner has a substance abuse problem and refuses treatment
  • One partner marries the other for a green card or other fraudulent reason

I know it might seem impossible for my critic to admit that there charming yet nefarious people out there who have absolutely no intention of keeping their marriage vows, but these situations are quite common.  I blame myself for picking the wrong partner, but I won’t take responsibility for his lies.

In some marriages both parties have made multiple mistakes, or perhaps entered into the union before they were ready.  They may have both been emotionally abusive to one another or had extramarital affairs.  Financial or lifestyle issues and lack of communication might tear them apart.  Or they simply could have grown into two very different people than when they entered the marriage.  In these cases there are many shades of gray.  Even infidelity sometimes occurs because one partner simply wants out desperately and is looking for any excuse to end it.  They have an affair, admit it immediately and their marriage is over.  Not exactly a serial cheater who lied for years, but a desperate person looking for and end to a broken marriage.  I have had friends go through nearly every scenario, and in most cases the reasons for a split is very murky.  Neither side can blame the other without taking some blame themselves.  But when one spouse enters into a marriage with a secret and lies, there is little the other spouse can do to change that.

Human relationships aren’t so neat and tidy or democratic.   So to those who insist that I or any other spouse like myself should accept responsibility for a person who repeatedly lied during the marriage I say they are way off base.  The best thing we can do is avoid picking another deceptive partner and move forward.

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Life After Divorce – Kiddie Table Banishment

Date: December 7, 2011
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Divorce, Gay Husband, Relationships, Straight Spouse, Uncategorized
Comments: 2 Replies

English: Saying grace before carving the turke...

No one likes to talk about it.  But I have heard from a few friends that post-divorce this problem is quite common.  There is some real estate that is downright coveted come holiday time.  And sometimes post-divorce you lose your stake at it.  And that real estate would be getting a seat at the adult table during holiday meals.  This doesn’t apply to everyone, as not everyone has a huge extended family.  Or if they do they at least have a big enough table so that everyone can sit together.   But for many families, it is simply not possible to put all the adults together and there comes a point when you just don’t want to sit at the kiddie table anymore.

It usually goes like this, when you are married and you come home for the holidays no one would dream of putting you at the kids table.  Just as it is assumed that you will also be expected to send out Christmas or Chanukah cards now that you are a married adult, it is also assumed that your spouse will not be forced to sit and eat with your nine-year old niece.  So things are done, seating arrangements adjusted so that your new addition to the family will not suffer the fate of being treated like a child.  When you get divorced however, everything can change.  Especially when a new member of your generation gets married that year.  Suddenly you find your status lowered.  Much like a single person with no date at a wedding, you are not going to get prime seating.  You instead end up at the table with misfits, and in this case the misfits have bibs, braces or acne.   Or worse yet, it is all of your fellow divorced adult cousins or siblings.  The table of rejects, the table of shame.

Well I say instead of coveting a seat with the adults, look at it this way.  Sure it is the table where wine is openly served but the conversation can drift to octogenarians complaining about their medications and health problems, or a crazy uncle trying to convert everyone to his conspiracy theory political beliefs so look on the bright side.  You now get to sit with the fun crew.  They might even break out into song or start a food fight.

The holidays are horrible anyway when you are newly divorced because even if you wanted desperately out of the marriage it seems every single thing around you is sending a message that you are somehow broken and sad because you are no longer one half of a couple.  Instead of being defeated by your new status of adult child, just think about the perks.

  • No one will expect a holiday card from you this year or one of those annoying family photo cards
  • You get to hang with children where you can openly mock everything without judgment
  • You can bring your own bottle of wine and drink it all by yourself
  • No one will judge you for what you eat or how fast you eat it
  • You can learn about video games, cartoons and comic books
  • Everyone at the kiddie table will eat pie, so just bask in the joy of eating pie with children!

I never understood why people always dreaded the holidays until I got divorced, and now I understand the holiday dread all too well.  But instead of being defeated by it, I am just going to party with my nine-year old niece and bask in the joys of being a misfit at the table of freaks!

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Divorce: My ex-husband the Clown

Date: November 29, 2011
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Clowns, Divorce, Gay Husband, New York City, Relationships, Straight Spouse, Uncategorized
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Joel Jeske

Joel Jeske (Photo credit: Prehensile Eye)

I remember telling my parents when I first met the man who is now my ex-husband.  I started with the positives– he was college educated, worked with the touring company of Chicago’s acclaimed Second City, studied with the Cambridge Footlights in England and had toured the world a few times over as a performer.   Then I finally let the cat out of the bag so to speak and said.

“He is a clown”

My parents were oddly accepting, I think they had grandchild in mind and half-clown grandchildren were better than no grandchildren.

As far as clowns go, my ex was quite accomplished.  He has been nominated for two Drama Desk awards, performed with every major circus in the country and has also performed extensively in Europe and Asia.   I always say

“He is kind of a big deal…if you are a clown”

But being married to a clown, even a semi-famous one is not a barrel of fun.  For starters there were the other clowns, many of which were extremely snobby.  The pecking order went something like this

  • Theater Clowns – Well trained, college degrees or higher, performances not always comical, sometimes only entertaining to other clowns.  Considered the most artistic.
  • Circus Clowns – Some join the circus straight out of high school, have skills such as juggling, stilts, acrobatics, etc, always funny, have a reputation for being rough around the edges
  • Birthday Party Clowns – Derided by Theater and Circus clowns, yet some birthday party clowns make more money than any other type of clown
  • Hobby Clowns – Amateurs who dream of one day becoming circus clowns, a few even follow circuses around like groupies.
  • Gospel Clowns – Clowns who view clowning as a “calling” rather than a job, use clowning to proselytize.  Many don’t believe in getting paid.
  • Rodeo Clowns – Work with animals rather than people:  in a category all their own.

To the rest of the population, a clown is a clown.  So a highly skilled theatrical clown like my ex is the same as a hobby clown named Sparkles–A man wearing a rainbow wig, scary make up, a dirty costume, and plastic shoes who twists balloon animals in the park for tips.

As a result of this common misconception about clowns, the clown world is full of rules and standards.  In order to be a “real” clown one had to study with Lecoq in France or Commedia dell’arte.  Clown college, which was run by Ringling Bros., was shut down in 1997, so any circus clown that came after that time was viewed as having lesser training.

So imagine marrying a highly regarded member of the red nose mafia.  They weren’t exactly the most welcoming group, and what made my situation worse was when my ex decided that I should become his partner-in-crime.  I thought that working as a clown might be better than as a mostly out-of-work actress, so I took the plunge and attended a brief clown school in Manhattan.  I liked the training, but found some of it to be completely inane.  In one class we were told to shout obscenities and throw tennis balls at each other, it was beyond useless.

My ex and I made great clown partners, but for years no matter how many gigs I booked, and no matter how many huge audiences I entertained, I never felt completely accepted.  I often felt treated like the Yoko Ono of clowning.  I was even accused of influencing my husband to not work with certain people or to only work with me.  It was all nonsense.  I never had any aspirations of running away with the circus or becoming a famous clown.  By joining my spouse in his passion,  I was trying to make my marriage stronger, as this art form was so important to him.  But I made a mistake many spouses make and put his dreams before my own.  By subjugating my own desires and needs for his, I was making our lives too interdependent.  His happiness became more important than my own and I would ultimately pay the price for this.   When the marriage fell apart, I not only lost my partner but my ability to earn an income.

Most of the clowns cut me off immediately.  I went from working all the time to nothing.   I tried to get traditional employment but in this competitive job market I had no luck.  I have joked that being a clown for nine years is the same as working in the sex industry, it is the stain that won’t wash off.   And thanks to the internet I can’t hide my past, so I stopped trying to go straight and went back to clowning.  I had to build up my own clients and relationships with new entertainment agents but I am slowly pulling myself up.

Now that it is all over, I am the one with the strange occupation trying to explain to people how I got myself into this line of work.  It is never easy to say to new people, especially potential dates

“I am a clown, my ex-husband got me into it”

A shocked expression usually flashes over their faces, as if I am about to start some type of joke.  Sadly I am not.

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Dating after Divorce: How NOT to use Social Media

Date: November 13, 2011
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating - NYC, Depression, Divorce, Gay Husband, New York City, Relationships, Straight Spouse, Uncategorized
Comments: 1 Reply
facebook

facebook (Photo credit: sitmonkeysupreme)

I would love to write that post-divorce I handled my online social media profiles with grace, restraint and dignity, but that it would be a total and utter fabrication.  What I did instead was to vomit my personal hell and torment over the internet, and was unapologetic about it.  In some ways I regret it, but not completely as I was mad, extremely mad at my husband who had been lying to me for years and living as a closeted homosexual.  I had nine years of sacrifice and struggle to keep a relationship together that was ultimately a fraud at its core.   The torrent of emotions was overdue and I had this new forum called…FACEBOOK.

This type of  social media is relatively new to everyone and correct Facebook etiquette, manners and rules haven’t been firmly established.  However I have learned quite a bit from my mistakes and I would love to share them.  I didn’t do everything on this list, but from my own and others mistakes I have discovered the hard way what is just a bad idea.

1. Don’t use your Status Updates to seek and destroy – Never post a status update hoping that your ex will see it, or as a direct attack against your ex – they might see it, they might not, but you will just make most of your friends concerned with you and your mental health.

2. Get rid of old Comments – Remove any and all comments that were made on a the profile or photos or your ex of a loving, kind or playful nature.  Comments such as “There is my sweetie!” or “I love my husband” can come back to haunt you when starting a new relationship and the new boyfriends stumbles upon these little notes.   It can also cause problems for your ex and his new relationships.   Basically it is confusing for everyone involved and if you can easily remove things, remove them.

3. Learn to love the BLOCK Feature  – If you are on horrible terms with your ex or your ex is using Facebook to attack you or taunt you personally…BLOCK THEM.  When you block an ex they can’t see you or anything you do on Facebook.  They can’t even see a comment you make on a mutual friend’s wall or even see a photo.  The only way they can see you on Facebook is if you appear in a photo of a mutual friend and the mutual friend is also in the photo.  Otherwise you are invisible to them.

4. Don’t look up their profile – Blocking them helps make this easy, but don’t be tempted to look up your ex’s profile.  You are usually better off not knowing.

5. Don’t assume it’s about you – Also if you see something on an ex’s profile that says something to the effect of “I am so happy right now in my life I can’t stand it” don’t assume that your ex posted it there to piss you off.  He or she may have, but you have to assume they are not using Facebook as a weapon of your personal destruction.  That is why the BLOCK feature is so handy.

6. Don’t use friends walls for your grief –  If you are going to vent, use your own wall to do so.  Or better yet, think twice about it and don’t post!

7. Don’t create fake accounts to spy – I never did this, but I know people who have.  Sometimes I think there might be a good reason if you have children with your ex, or some other type of pending legal matter.  Otherwise when you have to create phony profiles to see what is up, you are entering place called crazytown.

8. Don’t broadcast new relationships – There is nothing wrong with changing your relationship status, however I did make the mistake while rebounding of putting too much out there about my new and short-lived relationships.  There  is nothing like telling the universe “I found love again!” but you may not get what you are hoping for.  You can scare off the new partner, start a war with your ex, and is it exactly worth it?

9. Beware of Twitter – Don’t follow your ex on twitter unless you have children in common with them.  Also don’t look at their tweets and if you can, lock your own account so that your ex would need permission to see your tweets.  Also be discreet about what you put on twitter, if you have friends in common your ex may know everything you are writing.

10. Shut down your Facebook account temporarily or don’t have one in the first place.  Facebook allows you to shut down your account for as long as you want and start it up again with the same friends and contacts.  I did this on multiple occasions to give myself a break and I found it somewhat wonderful.

Basically you are bound to be slightly insane after a divorce, and you are better off not making matters worse by publicly pulling everyone else into your drama.  Easier said then done, but you will get through it.  Eventually social media will just be another way to talk to friends from high school, not a way to exorcise your demons.   Things will get normal again, it just takes time.

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The Myth of the Magic Vagina

Date: November 11, 2011
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating After Divorce, Divorce, Relationships, Straight Spouse, Uncategorized, Women and Feminism
Comments: 14 Replies

I used to perform as Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty at birthday parties for little girls.  Something about re-telling the stories to these young impressionable females got to me, and suddenly one day I just couldn’t do it anymore.  The high budget films watched repeatedly are far more influential to them, but I still didn’t want to be part of the problem.  We teach little girls that something magical happens when they fall in love.  The monster can be tamed (Beauty and the Beast), the dead can rise from the grave (Snow White, Sleeping Beauty) the poor destitute girl can become a princess (Cinderella) and all the evils of the world can be overcome.  Don’t all fairy tales end with the phrase

“Happily ever after”

Reality and fantasy are worlds apart, yet the fantasy remains firmly entrenched into our cultural psyche.  Every culture has myths and stories, an idealized vision of reality, where good deeds are rewarded and evil-doers are punished. The adult equivalents of fairy tales are films, television, books and stories about celebrities.

One movie that I couldn’t even stomach when I was a teenager, the blockbuster and award-winning “Pretty Woman“ in which a street-walker captivates and wins the heart of a wealthy business man.  A total farce of epic proportions, as in reality a common low paid prostitute would be drug addicted, abused, disease ridden and most of her clients would be lowbrow.  No conversations would occur beyond basics for the transaction and the sex would happen in a car, an alley, or an hourly rate motel, not a luxury suite.    Yet as far-fetched as this film’s premise was, it became an international sensation.  Something about us wants to believe in a story so ridiculous.  The message of the myth is: if you are pretty enough, sweet enough and sexually skilled you can overcome your socioeconomic background and marry a wealthy man despite the odds.  And of course this does happen, but how often?  I call it the myth of the magic vagina.

Not only can a magic vagina get you wealth and security but it can also turn a bad boy good.   For instance the motorcycle mechanic Jesse James repeatedly cheated on his movie star wife Sandra Bullock with multiple random women.  Yet his latest fiancee, Kat Von D somehow thought that even though he has cheated on every other woman in his life, she would somehow be the exception.  Was anyone shocked when she was not?

A serial cheater will inevitably blame the woman he cheated on.

  • She didn’t understand me
  • She wasn’t there for me emotionally
  • She was too concerned about her career.

All of these reasons lead to the end result of his penis finding a new woman.  And yet, he was able to convince a new partner–this time things will be different.  A good rule of thumb I try to follow is the following.

“If he is trash talking all the women who came before you, you will be next on the list”

I have been guilty of this same mistake.  Not so much with serial cheaters but with emotionally unavailable men.  If I just give him enough time he will come around, he is just scared, wounded, and on and on.  Nonsense.  He is just emotionally unavailable and he will remain emotionally unavailable until he decides to change, and he may never change.   The bad behavior will continue no matter what woman is in his life.  The same goes for substance abuse.  An addict will only get clean when they themselves decide to do so.   The bottle or drugs will always win over sex, romance, children, careers, even financial stability.

Many of us have gone through it or at least known a friend who has tried and failed at the same quest,

  • I can change him
  • He is misunderstood
  • He really loves me deep down
  • He understands me, when no one else has

The reality is we are all broken people with flaws and faults.  People should be taken as they are, and not as the subject of your next attempted metamorphosis.  Sexual prowess will not convert him, your never-dying devotion will not turn him around, nothing will change the man he is fundamentally.  Taking care of his every whim, desire and need, will only enable him to treat you worse.  A good manipulator will play into this myth and convince you that you are indeed the one who will cause his transformation.

Although the vagina is a beautiful and wonderful thing capable of sexual pleasure and the beginning of new life, it cannot transform anyone.  The only person who can understand the conflicting emotions and self-destruction is the person self-destructing, and even they can’t understand their own behavior–that is why we have therapists.

Now I am not advocating for telling little girls only harsh fairy tales like “The Little Matchbook Girl”, in which a poor abused child dies of exposure.  Nor would I recommend reading from the crime section of the newspaper for bedtime stories.  But can’t we get past the fantasies once we grow up and realize that the only person we can truly change is ourselves.  As women we have to take responsibility for getting caught up in the myth, bad boys can only survive and thrive if we keep encouraging them.

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Life After Divorce: The Clean Slate

Date: October 17, 2011
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating After Divorce, Depression, Divorce, Gay Husband, New York City, Relationships, Straight Spouse, Uncategorized
Comments: 3 Replies
chalkboard

chalkboard (Photo credit: Charlottes Photo Gallery)

There are few times in our lives when we can simply cut people out of our lives without apology or explanation.  One of the greatest things about my divorce was dumping a large part of my ex-husbands social and professional life in one fell swoop.  When you get married you don’t just have your own life anymore, instead two lives become entwined together.  Like the many tentacles of a squid — family, friends and co-workers are part of the animal, and it is difficult to avoid the appendages when dealing with the head.

Although I loved my husband a great deal, I didn’t always care for his friends or creative partners.  My husband was a clown, and when I say clown, I mean clown – a performer who wears big shoes, puts on white makeup and entertains adults and children alike.  My ex has worked with every major circus in the country and extensively throughout Europe and Asia.  He has also been nominated for two Drama Desk Awards for plays he has co-created.  As I would say all the time

“He is kind of a big deal…if you are a clown”

When we first moved to New York we socialized for the most part with other clowns.  I was treated a bit like a “Yoko Ono” figure.  Even though I had been performing since I was a child and had an extensive resume of creating and performing theater, most of the clowns treated me as a star-struck fan that married my husband in order to enter into the world of clowning.  Absurd as that is to imagine, that is what a lot of them thought.  As clowns tend to take themselves and their art form quite seriously, so any outsider who just married a big shot in their field, was automatically viewed with suspicion.  And as with any couple, sometimes when a conflict arose between my husband and one of his collaborators, I would get the blame.  It was much easier to attack me than to actually have a confrontation with the creative genius.

These relationships were further complicated because my husband encouraged me to go into his line of work, mainly because a lot of his gigs were on the road.  So instead of struggling to get work as an actor, I could instead travel the world as a clown with the man I loved.  It might seem an odd career path but it worked out for us for many years.  We worked on cruise ships and traveled the country for various clients and circuses. Our penultimate performance as a clown couple was at Lincoln center for an audience of hundreds.  I knew this life wasn’t going to make us wealthy but I liked the work and it definitely made my husband happy.

When we split, I pretty much lost most of my income.  I wasn’t formally blacklisted but people kept hiring my ex and they stopped hiring me.   And trying to find other employment was next to impossible with the work history  of “clown” during one of the worst recessions in recent decades.  I openly joked that being a clown was the same as working in the sex industry, it was the stain that wouldn’t leave.

On top of this economic blow was the erosion of my support group.  It came in waves, the first to go were my in-laws.  Although they called frequently and we visited them at least once a year as soon as the marriage ended, they immediately cut me off.  The best I got was a voice-mail from my mother-in-law with no follow-up.  Then came the friends of my husband I never liked but tolerated for his sake — the clowns who took themselves very seriously.   I went on facebook blocked all of their profiles, removed their emails, threw out their addresses and deleted them from my phone.  Then the third wave happened it was the strangest and most painful.  Mutual friends rallied around me at first, sympathizing with my situation, but then some of them dropped off and even started to side with my husband.  They chose to support my ex-husband because professionally it made more sense for them to do so.  It was extremely hurtful for me, but at the same time it made me discover who was a true friend, who was an acquaintance and who was dead weight.  After surviving the excruciating ordeal that was my divorce, I really don’t miss the dead weight

When the dust settled, I formed new friendships that will last a lifetime.  My true friends stuck by me, with no sense of obligation and no sense of duty to my spouse.   In the battlefield of my divorce these friendships were only strengthened.  I especially found myself bonding with fellow divorced friends, as they were best suited to understand the many ordeals that come with a divorce.

I still work as a clown, although I am actively looking for ways out of it.   Instead of Lincoln center I now work in living rooms and instead of being flown around the country I take the subway dressed as my alter ego Lulu.  It is truly humbling but at least now I am completely in charge of my destiny, and I am no longer stuck being treated like a sidekick by a bunch of people I never liked in the first place.   And it gives me great comfort that I will never have to sit through a boring dinner party and listen to artistic theories of clowning — some aspects of divorce are downright exhilarating.

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Dating After Divorce – Rebounds and Supernovas

Date: October 13, 2011
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating After Divorce, Divorce, Gay Husband, Relationships, Straight Spouse, Uncategorized
Comments: 9 Replies
English: Pleiades Star Cluster

Image via Wikipedia

I don’t know why they call them rebound relationships.  When I think of a rebound I think of a ball bouncing off of a wall, which is a fairly tame thing.  I now call the first major relationship after leaving my husband the supernova – a collection of stars exploding all at once vaporizing everything in their path, burning bright, hot and fast.  It was a force of nature – so much bigger than a rebound.

I left my husband when I discovered he was a closeted homosexual.  He had been lying to me and to himself for our entire nine-year relationship.   When I left him I was devastated, although the relationship had grown dysfunctional, I was still deeply in love and a dedicated wife.

My marriage had been celibate for a prolonged period of time, and I desperately longed for a relationship with a straight man.  I found it almost too easily and only four months after leaving my husband.  He was a man who I had known casually in my social group of friends.  He was handsome, charming, and we had a lot of the same interests.  We sort of discovered through mutual friends that we both had a crush on each other, so it seemed inevitable that we would end up together. He even remembered the moment we first met years earlier, which was fuzzy to me, but he could recall it in startling detail.  And he resembled a taller, younger version of my husband.  It was as if I had found the straight version of the man I had just left.

I knew it was a dangerous situation and I avoided getting involved at first.  I had so many fears–Was it too soon? Would this end up making my depression worse? Was it because he reminded me of my ex?

But it happened, the universe finally put us together, and for a brief period in my life it was pure magic.  I thought I was the luckiest girl in the world to have fallen from that complete and utter disaster that was my divorce into something that felt so perfect.  And he seemed just as excited as I was; it felt like the ideal love affair.  But the cracks started to form almost immediately.  I was deeply depressed, a depression that is almost too difficult to describe now.  I couldn’t sleep through the night, had difficulty eating, cried constantly, suffered panic attacks, general anxiety, overwhelming fears dominated my thoughts, and my moods would turn on a dime.  I lost 20 pounds and dropped two dress sizes in a few months, had frequent asthma attacks, and was constantly sick; physically, and emotionally I was falling apart.

I also wasn’t used to dating, I was used to being married.  Dating is not anywhere near being married.  I didn’t know how to make the transition; I was suffocating, smothering and desperate for his affection.  I will never know his motivations but I can’t blame him for walking away from an obvious train wreck.  He had his own problems as everyone does, and I was just a disaster of a human being. When it ended it felt like being dropped off an emotional cliff.  I was already so damaged from my divorce and now my first attempt at love was an implosion of epic proportions.

For months I tormented myself over the whole affair beating myself up for all of the mistakes I had made.  I tried to start another relationship only to have that blow up in my face almost the exact same way.  I kept blaming myself, what if I had waited?  What if I had been healthier?  Would either relationship have worked out differently?  Eventually I convinced myself that it didn’t matter.  I would never know that alternate reality and life doesn’t work with a reset button.  The damage was done; the trust was shattered on both sides and couldn’t be repaired.  Feelings were hurt, egos bruised, expectations destroyed and there was no way I could repair any of it.  And I needed to move forward anyway as the whole affair was just collateral damage of my state of mind at the time.  Being clinically depressed is not the best time to start a relationship.

The real source of my anguish was my divorce, so either it would have been this one painful affair or a series of short meaningless flings, but the outcome would have been the same.  I was eventually going to hit rock-bottom.   After an agonizing eight-hour long anxiety attack and three days of very little sleep, I finally bottomed out, and then I got into therapy, briefly went on antidepressants and little by little, month by month, the horrible twisted vice of depression released its grip and I began to have my mind back.  It took nearly two years from the day I left my marriage to finally feel like myself again.   Friendships tarnished and other aspects of my personal and professional life have been negatively affected, but I try to live with a positive outlook and not look back.  Cognitive behavioral therapy is one tool that worked for me and I try to use its tips and tricks every day.

I say it all the time now to anyone newly divorced and I say it even if they are not listening.  Don’t do it.   Give yourself time to heal before you suck someone else into the personal torment that you are inevitably going to experience.  Of course not every divorced person goes through this, as some are happy to leave their spouse, and for them divorce is a new beginning.  But if a person is emotionally crushed, they should avoid getting involved in a serious intimate relationship for a while.

The most important thing that I learned from my supernova experience is that no one else could save me.  No one person has enough love or strength to pull another out of a free fall, especially in a brand new relationship.  I had to do it on my own.  I couldn’t really be available emotionally to another partner when I couldn’t even take care of myself.

Sometimes a person gets lucky and has a perfect love affair immediately after a divorce, but from my own, and most of my friend’s experiences this hasn’t been the case.  So fight the force of nature, hang out with your friends and work on yourself.  Things will get better, but the main thing that you need is time, not another lover.

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Dating After Divorce – Bad Boys and Psycho Bitches

Date: October 9, 2011
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating After Divorce, New York City, Relationships, Straight Spouse, Uncategorized
Comments: 7 Replies
English: The American actress Tara Reid. Franç...

English: The American actress Tara Reid. Français : Actrice américaine Tara Reid. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

One subject that comes up a lot in the comments section of my articles run along the following lines.

“Well logically most men wouldn’t be as interested in dating a divorced woman in her late thirties for a number of reasons”

Something about the words logic and dating together didn’t sit well with me.  Sure, I understand that generally speaking men might be attracted to younger women with less baggage.  And in theory, both men and women seek out mates that are healthy, mentally stable, and kind.  Logically a potential partner should make us feel good about ourselves, make our lives easier or improve it in some way.   This is all true, but I tend to find many adults don’t always use logic when looking for a partner.

And since dating since my divorce baffles me, I can’t help but think of the following two categories of people who always seem to attract mates–Bad Boys, and Psycho Bitches.

The Bad Boy – Has more than one of the following qualities, if not all of them

  • Unstable income or no income – sometimes wealthy
  • Criminal history
  • Serial Cheater
  • Physically Attractive – although not always
  • Initially charming
  • Children with multiple partners or unknown children
  • Engages in reckless behavior, drug or alcohol abuse, dangerous hobbies, sports
  • Brooding, mysterious and or emotionally unavailable
  • Example – Kevin Federline, ultimate bad boy – Charlie Sheen

The Psycho Bitch – The female equivalent of the Bad Boy

  • Unstable or no income
  • Criminal history
  • Serial Cheater
  • Physically attractive – although not always
  • Children with multiple partners possibly with unknown paternity
  • Engage in Reckless Behavior, drug or alcohol abuse, dangerous hobbies, sports
  • Hyper emotional, dramatic and wild
  • Example – Tara Reid, ultimate psycho bitch – Casey Anthony

Of course a person can have one or more of those traits and be emotionally balanced and healthy, but to have several probably indicates they are a hot mess.   And yet both bad boys and psycho bitches are rarely alone.  What is so attractive about either?  Logically the craziest and cruelest among us should be the least desirable partners, but that isn’t often the case.

I know of one woman who I would put in the “psycho bitch” camp.  She tells somewhat unbelievable tales of her former relationships to anyone and everyone.  Her past couplings have included physical and emotional abuse, police intervention and even attempted murder.  She will also freely admit to past drug addiction, being institutionalized, mental problems, and medical issues so severe that she survives in part, on disability.  She openly advertises her craziness to the universe and yet she hasn’t gone for more than a few months without a boyfriend or husband.  She is not young and beautiful and she is hardly charming.  I don’t get it.  Do these men not see the multiple red flags flying in the breeze as they approach her?  How much louder could she scream “I am a train wreck”

And then there are the ultimate bad boys, men on death row, convicted of horrible vicious crimes finding sympathetic female pen pals.   One of the most disturbing and prolific serial killers of our time, Ted Bundy even had one admirer relocate to Florida to be closer to him during his trial.  She eventually married him and gave birth to his child, while in full knowledge of his stunningly horrific crimes.  And she was only one of many, apparently Bundy received loads of fan mail from adoring women.

I read about a theory into the evolutionary reason to why some women are attracted to “bad boys”.  It was along the lines of bad boys are risk takers, and risk takers were advantageous during the time of hunting and gathering.   Once humans developed agriculture, stable and secure men, were more advantageous and won the upper hand.  I didn’t really buy into this theory since most bad boys I have known, usually lived off of a woman, either a girlfriend, wife or mother — not exactly risk takers.   And so far as I can tell no one has bothered to study why men would be attracted to such volatile women.   Mommy issues?  Masochism?  Love of drama?  I have no idea.

Is it the sex?  Are bad boys and crazy bitches great in bed?  From my own experience and from that of my friends I don’t think that is always the case.  I have heard many tales of seemingly passionate bad boys being a snooze fest and of crazy bitches who just lie there.   So although sex might play a factor in some of the bad boy, psycho bitch success, they are not always incredible lovers.

Does any of this make any logical sense?  For some, taming the wild shrew or the getting a Casanova to commit is the ultimate achievement.  For the people who love dating bad boys and psycho bitches, romance has to be full of pain, drama and passion.

Since the overwhelming disaster of my divorce I crave a  stable and calm relationship.  I don’t need to soothe the raging beast of some wild man-child.  But I keep seeing examples of it all around me in both men and women.  So I have to laugh a bit when someone points out the logic in dating.  Just like so many other aspects of human behavior, who we choose to date isn’t always so logical.

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Weekend Sunrise Interview – Dating After Divorce in a City of Sluts

Date: September 26, 2011
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating After Divorce, Dating Online, Gay Husband, Huffington Post, Relationships, Straight Spouse
Comments: 1 Reply

Below is a clip from an interview I did on Morning Sunrise, Australia‘s #1 Breakfast talk show.  It is their equivalent of the Today Show or so I am told.  They interviewed me based on my Huffington Blog post “Dating After Divorce in a City of Sluts”

The link to the article is here.  It was ridiculously popular having something like 7,000 people “like” it on Facebook and 1400 comments.  I am an unknown, unsigned comedian so the whole thing has been mind-blowing.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/juliet-jeske/dating-after-divorce-in-a_b_944133.html

So they didn’t tell me beforehand that they were going to even mention my ex-husband’s homosexuality.  That was a complete shock to me, they also veered from the script.  I have dealt with the press before so I wasn’t really shocked by that.  The saddest thing is that the interviewer actually says

“In your book”

When in reality it was just one article, no book.  Although I am currently trying to make that happen.  I have no idea how to do it, but I am looking into it.  If I end up getting published you know I am telling everyone on the planet.  🙂

My working title for my book is “Dating in a City of Sluts” or something like that.  I never thought I would write a book in a million years but since I have gotten so much overwhelming positive feedback to go for it, I thought I would give a shot!

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