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Celebrity Crowd Funding: Brother, Can you Spare a Dime for a Millionaire?

Date: July 10, 2013
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Comedy, Entertainment, Uncategorized
Comments: 1 Reply
English: Zach Braff at the Vanity Fair party c...

English: Zach Braff at the Vanity Fair party celebrating the 10th anniversary of the Tribeca Film Festival. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

You are walking down the streets of New York and you see a famous celebrity.  Your heartbeat speeds up as it’s someone you like and admire.  You don’t want to bother him, but his last movie is one of your favorites, despite yourself you go up to him, extended your hand and say, “I really love your work.” a broad smile flashes across his face and he returns with, “Could you spare a few bucks for me then?  I need it to help me finance my next picture.  He reaches into his bag and hands you a brochure complete with all the details. “For $25 I’ll give you a pre-screening invite.  If you give me $100 I’ll throw in a DVD. For a $1000 we’ll include your name in the credits and you can go to one of many after-parties, for $10,000, and I know that’s a lot, you’ll get a small part in the movie! Whadda think?”   As strange as that scenario seems, it’s a new reality.

Crowd funding is a relatively new innovation brought to us by the internet.  Anyone can create a fund-raising campaign by themselves for just about any cause: a sick friend, help with a new small business, playground equipment for a school and just about every type of artistic endeavor.  Theater companies and bands especially rely on these sites to help raise cash.  In return for their monetary gift a donor might get tickets to a show, a t-shirt, backstage access or some other type of premium.

Recently celebrities have joined the crowd-funding bandwagon to help fund their own pet projects.  Zach Braff took to the internet and asked fans to help him raise the money himself, so he could retain creative control.  He ended up surpassing his original goal, eventually raising over $3 million on the website Kickstarter.  After his fundraising ended, he accepted a few additional millions from traditional investors.  So whether they gave him $1 million or $4 million they are sill going to want to have some influence.  The last film he wrote, directed and starred in, Garden State had a budget of $2.5 million but went on to gross $35,825,316 in box office sales.  With a film that successful under his belt, did he really need to resort to begging the public for money?  He is also not a poor man with a net worth estimated at $22 million.

And now Adam Carolla, with an estimated net worth of $15 million, is hoping he will be just as successful raising $1 million for his latest project on  fundanything.com.   His last film, The Hammer, although critically well received grossed only of $442,638 in box office with a $850,000 budget according to imdb.com.  It would definitely be harder to get financing for a film if your last one lost money, regardless of film reviews.

Another thing that makes me a little annoyed by this is that Carolla and Braff are not only multi-millionaires with contacts and relationships in Hollywood we could only dream of having, they are also members of the one demographic with the easiest time getting their stories on-screen – white males.   Women and minorities have a much harder time getting hired as writers, actors, and directors, much less getting movies produced.  It’s not exactly as if Braff and Carolla are trying to tell the life story of an obscure black poet, migrant farm workers, or the women’s suffrage movement.

Of course people can spend their hard-earned dollars however they want, and there is nothing wrong with what Caroll and Braff are doing here.  They have every right to use whatever means necessary to get their projects up and running.  I just don’t understand why anyone would give them money.  A popular incentive is to get a chance to meet the celebrity at an after-party or other promotion.  It might sound exciting, but as a person who has met a lot of celebrities over the years – I’d save my money.

Plenty of directors have completely self-financed their own projects.  Sure it’s risky and maybe they might have to cut back on a few luxuries, but even if their films bomb, they don’t end up bankrupt.  A lot of people make career risks from time to time, but most of us would never dream of asking our friends and neighbors for help.  We usually only ask for help after a disaster or devastating illness.

Instead of donations, would it be unheard of to sell shares in a movie’s profits?  Small investors wouldn’t expect any artistic control, they could still be a part of a project they really love and they might get something in return besides free tickets to a movie they would have paid to see anyway.  Wouldn’t it even make good marketing sense to have thousands of ambassadors around the country begging their friends to see the latest film they have a direct stake in?  It might be an accounting nightmare, but it could be a publicity bonanza. – 7/10/13 A couple of different readers have point out that apparently profit sharing in this way is currently not legal.  I have known a few small companies that have done exactly what I am describing, but it’s not available for something like this.  

Maybe this is the new normal, and soon dozens of small independent films will use this method of fundraising.  After all our media is already saturated with celebrity obsession.  Once a person is famous they shouldn’t have to risk, or take chances when they could just ask their fans to help them out.  In return the fans get a tiny speck of the drug that is elusive and inviting – fame.

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Dating in NYC: Texting – Dating with as little effort as possible

Date: July 3, 2013
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating After Divorce, Dating Online, New York City, Relationships, Uncategorized
Comments: 5 Replies
SMS: Text Messaging Gets Redesigned

SMS: Text Messaging Gets Redesigned (Photo credit: pouwerkerk)

Someone recently said I should write a piece about the type of man that I wanted to date.  At this point, I have honestly completely given up any specifics.  Sure, I tend to like tall lanky men who look like they could use a sandwich or two, but honestly I am not that specific.  I don’t date fellow comedians for obvious reasons and I would prefer someone close to my age.  But when asked, without thinking I wrote simply, someone who follows through on a date and returns text messages.  That’s it.  Just show up and acknowledge my existence.  That’s all I’m really asking for, but it seems next to impossible.  I have had this problem with most of the guys I have attempted to date, even causally date.  They repeatedly cancel on me at the last-minute but then won’t bother to reply to the least committal text messages.

I have a joke in my stand up that once men figured out they could rely on text messages – all phone conversations between men and women would cease forever.  Which is sadly pretty much true.  I don’t call anyone often besides family members.  The telephone is just too personal and it takes too long.  Texting is so much easier.  The problem of course is that a lot is lost in non-verbal communication.  Most of the times my sarcasm is misunderstood.  Or when I am being serious people think I’m joking.   Recently I sent something along the lines of “You should learn how to fellate yourself.”  The man who received this message thought I was kidding.  I did add that he should take some yoga classes, as well as a sword swallowing session or two to help him in that task.  To be honest I was half joking.  What I really meant is that I was not going to fellate him, and he could basically go fuck himself.  He thought I was flirting, until I pointed out that it would be kind of gay for him to give himself oral sex.  He might be sucking his own dick, but he would still be sucking dick.

The recipient can also not really understand tone.  Most men tend to take me way too seriously in that I tend to write in a very blunt manner.   They sometimes think I am upset, when I’m not.  I once sent a “I’m disappointed” type of message to a man who thought I was basically screaming at him, when in reality I was calm and not even remotely angry.  I was in fact, disappointed, not a raving lunatic.

Then there are the guys who don’t realize I am mad, no matter what I send them.  It is almost as if I have to type profanity repeatedly in order to get my point across.  A few fucks, motherfuckers, and are you fucking kidding me?  Texting might be quicker, but the communication has certainly gotten worse.  The abuse of the English language is at an all time high and some misspellings are so poor that I have no idea what the person was trying to say.  Textspeak causes me to physically cringe, especially since now we have little keyboards on our phones and texting is much easier.  My favorite subsitution was “KK” for “OK” I couldn’t help but think, it’s still two letters – have we gotten that lazy?  Text language has gotten so bad, that I honestly think words could one day be replaced with symbols or actual photographs.  We will simply get a photo of a penis, then a vagina, then a home followed by a question mark. We will move on to a form of sexting and hieroglyphics.  When someone sends me a message like “U R Hot? Lol.  Do U want 2 C me 2night?”  I just want to scold them, not get it on.

I can’t help but think if I was someone they wanted more, they would at least return a simple “What’s up?”  My new strategy is to send them nothing.  I try as much as possible to avoid starting a text messaging thread.  I just can’t handle the silence on the other end.  Sure they might be working, or in a situation where they can’t answer a text, but in my mind I picture them looking at their phone, sighing and then debating if they should even answer me.

There are times I almost want to call a man when they send a text.  Not to actually speak, but to scare the crap out of them.  How could they claim they didn’t get my call when they just sent me a text message?  They could say they aren’t in a good position to call me back, but most of the time they can’t think of a decent lie to get out of it.  I just get voicemail, and then I delete them from my phone.  🙂

Of course I can’t help but wonder if they really wanted to see me would they call me?  Would they answer text messages back quickly?  Or is this all part of the disposable culture of constantly having new potential partners.  Why bother with the woman who is blunt when i can find one that won’t challenge me.  I don’t know, but I am waiting for my pictogram cock shot any day now.

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Divorce: When One Half Wants Out

Date: July 2, 2013
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Closet Case, Divorce, Gay Husband, Relationships, Straight Spouse, Uncategorized
Comments: 7 Replies
Divorce Cakes a_005

Divorce Cakes a_005 (Photo credit: DrJohnBullas)

Someone told me a story about a woman who refused to admit that her marriage was over.  It was before the “no fault” divorce laws in New York state.  She decided to legally contest her husband‘s petition of divorce.  The woman felt that her husband had no right to leave her.   In her mind shhe had been a good and loyal wife, and he had no right to end the marriage.  She was also Catholic and believed that divorce was immoral and a sin against God.  A few years later, after spending a small fortune on legal fees and lawyers a judge agreed with her.  The court denied her husband’s petition for divorce.  Even though they were physically separated and no longer a couple they remained legally married.  Desperate, her husband moved to New Jersey with his new girlfriend and started the process all over again.  They couple is now divorced.  As much as my heart goes out to the woman, she should have just let him go.

A failed marriage is kind of like our own personal fairy tale but with a horrible twisted bad ending – one we never would have expected.  Most marriages end when one half of a partnership wants out, not with both sides sitting down and coming to a mutually agreed upon separation.  Sure, those amicable divorces are out there, and some couples have literally tried everything to make their marriages work before they decide to end things.  But since I started writing about divorce I have gotten an avalanche of stories from readers about their own divorce related battles.  In most situations, one side simply wants out of the marriage while the other spouse fights desperately to keep things together.  In some cases the spouse who wants to remain married is simply crushed by the split.  It might take two people to get married, but it only takes one to force a divorce.  Not every marriage falls apart due to constant fighting, any number of things can lead to a divorce:

  • Rampant infidelity – sex with multiple partners over the course of the marriage behind their spouses back
  • Falling in love with a new partner
  • Midlife crisis – suddenly they want to completely rebuild their life – including their spouse
  • Substance abuse – spouse refuses to seek treatment
  • Untreated mental illness – spouse refuses to seek treatment
  • Massive deception – leading secret life
  • Fraud – married for a green card, inheritance, money, etc.
  • Closeted homosexual – married to have “normal” life

What is tragic is that I have met so many men and women who are not accepting that it’s over.  What they tend to say repeatedly are things like:

  • I don’t want to give up on this marriage
  • I grew up in a broken home and I vowed to never let this happen to me
  • I thought if I just worked hard enough that I could avoid divorce
  • How can he/she do this to our family? – It’s not fair

Relationships involve two people, and no one can control the behavior of another human being.  If your spouse wants out, there is not much you can do about it.  We all think if we just sacrifice enough, give up more and more of our happiness we can make it work.  I put up with an emotionally distant man in a celibate marriage because I refused to give up on my vows.  I believed in the sanctity in marriage and believed with all my heart that if I loved him enough and gave up my own hopes and dreams for his, that we would be together forever.  Somehow along the way I missed the point that the marriage was not the source of my happiness.  Just being with another human being does not always give the greatest fulfillment or joy.  I know this now because four years after leaving my husband I am much better off emotionally than I was for the last few years of my marriage.  Unwittingly we buy into the hype that romantic love is the greatest thing in the world to achieve, when I would argue it’s not.

Life isn’t fair for many of us.  Time and time again I have heard stories of one partner horribly betrayed by another.  We didn’t sign up for this.  We didn’t stand in front of our families and vow to give up on our version of a happy ending.  One of the most difficult realities to face as an adult is the willingness to admit we are powerless in certain situations.  No matter how hard we work, we cannot fix something that cannot be mended.

It’s awful and the pain is real and devastating, but just because that our original dream didn’t work out, it doesn’t mean we can’t find a new one.  If your partner wants out and you have tried everything to make it work – let them go.  They might have a change of heart and realize their mistake, but do you really want someone who left you in the first place?  No one is perfect.  There is no single human being on this planet who can complete another.  Even if they are the parent to your children, and even if you thought your life would work out differently.  As hard as it is when our marriages fall apart, we have to forget about the life we envisioned married to our spouse.   We have to instead learn to cherish and love our new reality.  It will get better, every day, week, month and year…just hang in there. 🙂

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Life After Divorce: The Fairy Tale is Dead! Long Live the Fairy Tale!!!!

Date: June 26, 2013
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating After Divorce, Dating Online, Relationships, Straight Spouse, Uncategorized
Comments: 6 Replies
Picture of the castle of Sleeping Beauty in Th...

Picture of the castle of Sleeping Beauty in The Efteling, the Netherlands (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The fairy tales we tell little girls and boys all seem to end with a wedding.  Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White never have to give up anything to keep their prince.   Somehow we are lead to believe that the sanctimonious wedding ceremony seals us for life and if our love is strong enough, everything will work out in the end.  The stories are of course, bullshit.

My fairy tale ended up being a fraud – based on lies and rotten to its core.  Now that I am on the other side of the rainbow, I now realize how much of myself I lost for the sake of that partnership.  Never again.  I urge anyone who has been in my situation to write a list of things that you REFUSE to give up for the sake of another.

  • I get onstage with a microphone – at times I tell a heightened exaggerated version of my life for laughs
  • I am not going to lose or gain weight for anyone – this is how I am – if I want to lose or gain weight it’s my business
  • I am not getting plastic surgery to please anyone – again this is how I am if you don’t like it, find someone else
  • I am opinionated and speak freely – we may not always agree
  • I am blonde, not short, not small and I do not speak softly
  • I tend to make people laugh without trying – I don’t need to be the center of attention but I am not a wallflower
  • I have a lot of followers on twitter, Facebook and this blog
  • I write a blog – sometimes it’s about my life
  • I have two cats and love them like children – I make no apologizes for this
  • I have an unconventional job, odd hours, inconsistent income but I will NEVER rely on you or anyone to pay my bills
  • I live in a crappy neighborhood – hopefully this one will change – I’m working on it.
  • I have a large dysfunctional family – they are very important to me
  • I have eccentric, artistic friends – gay, queer, transgender, polyamorous, and everything in between.  Some get nearly naked onstage for fun
  • I am a talkative person
  • I don’t get drunk often, I am not into drugs
  • I play the accordion and ukulele
  • I read a LOT of books – I’m nerdy and smart and dreadful at all sports
  • I am intense and passionate and have a bit of a temper – I try to control it – Usually comes out onstage
  • I absolutely have to have a creative outlet or I cease to function – sewing costumes, baking, writing, singing, playing instruments getting onstage…etc.
  • I will openly admit I am flawed and often make mistakes
  • I can be forced to watch a sporting event…but the only sport I really understand is baseball
  • I am straight forward and direct – almost too blunt but I have no idea how to manipulate or play games
  • I don’t eat meat and I probably won’t eat it any time soon but I don’t care if you do.
  • I prefer monogamy – I don’t judge other lifestyles but I know what works for me.  I am also very realistic about this subject no one is perfect.
  • I don’t cheat – I just don’t have it in me
  • I am politically left of center and insanely pro-union
  • I adore children – I have no idea if I will get to have any but they are simply amazing
  • Nothing pisses me off more than an unanswered text message
  • Once I commit to another human being I am fiercely loyal

None of these things are negotiable…I refuse to get swept up again into the false reality that a marriage or relationship will save me.  In my new fairy tale, the only person I rely on is myself.  If I end up with a loving partner, great but I will not sacrifice who I am to make that happen.  Write your own list, and don’t look back.  🙂

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Dating in NYC: Sorry stranger, I’m Not Meeting you for Breakfast

Date: June 11, 2013
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Comedy, Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating After Divorce, Dating Online, New York City, Relationships, Uncategorized
Comments: 8 Replies
Egg Sandwich 5of7

Egg Sandwich 5of7 (Photo credit: Food Thinkers)

I have only been single for four years in New York but it seems like forty.  So far in my dating escapades I’ve been stood up, watched as my dates have had meltdowns, broken out into tears, ramble on about an ex, tell me they want to date one of my friends, insult me to my face and expect sex immediately.  I have had a few wonderful dates – only to never hear from the guys again for reasons I will never understand.  What can I say?  It’s been fun.

Lately the trend is a man who I have written about before on this blog – The Coward.  A coward will ask me out only to never actually make the date happen.  It run into cowards more often than actual dates now.  I would say for every date I actually go on, I get about 8-10 men who ask me out, but never follow through.  I tell them when I am free and the claim they are busy.  This goes back and forth a few times until I give up.  The newest ploy  is an invitation to a mid-week breakfast date.  I have gotten such an offer a few times, yet I have never taken such enticing bait.  A typical proposal goes like this,

Well I would love to see you but things are really bad at work for the next couple of weeks.  You seem awesome though, and I really love your pictures.  Do you really play the ukulele?  How about we meet for breakfast sometime next week.   That’s the best I can do.

Even if I had a normal 9-5 job.  It’s not as if New York City is a calm and tranquil place in the morning, and virtually no one has an easy commute.  So what would I have to do?  Get up at 5AM, get ready by 6AM to meet you some place at 7AM so I can rush get a cup of coffee and make it to my place of business by 8:00?  For that to work we would need to work pretty much in the same neighborhood, which is unlikely in a city with five boroughs and 8 million people.

Lets say I don’t have a 9-5 job.  So I am still going to have to get up at 5AM get ready.  Get on a crowded train to meet you near your workplace, where we fight to get a table, then rush to get a plate of eggs.  You go to work, and I go home.  Wow that sounds like fun!  I really don’t get enough time on a rush hour train from Brooklyn to Manhattan.

Or maybe you work in Brooklyn, but in an area that is going to cause me to take the Q train into Manhattan then transfer to an L to then walk several blocks in Williamsburg to meet you for that same plate of eggs and make the trek home.

I seriously want to ask these men.  Has anyone ever done this before?  Has it ever occurred to you why most dates are in the evening and on the weekends?  Do you think your God’s gift to women that I will crawl on hot coals to share a brief time in your presence only to have you decide I live too far away, have a weird job, and I am just not worth the effort.  And lets not get BRUNCH confused with BREAKFAST.  You didn’t ask me for a leisurely weekend morning activity in the East village filled with Mimosas, Bloody Marys and vanilla bean french toast.  Brunch is a morning after a drunken night New York tradition!   You asked me to breakfast – a meal many restaurants don’t even serve because why should they?  No one but tourists goes out for breakfast, unless it is a local place in a residential area of the city, and there is a 90% chance you don’t work on an area with cute little bistros on every corner.  Maybe by breakfast you meant a latte in an impossibly packed Starbucks in midtown, the neighborhood where every Starbucks is ALWAYS IMPOSSIBLY PACKED!

The weekday breakfast date is telling me one thing – I am not worth the effort.  I get it, as we are just strangers and the likelihood that this is going to be some match made in heaven is slim.  So I understand not wanting to jeopardize your job for the sake of a bad date.  Something tells me though you are still finding time to go out drinking with your buddies, and occasionally hooking up with random women.  You keep an OKCupid profile up more to tell yourself that deep down you really are looking for something with more substance.  I get it.  But you are probably going to end up liking one of the random women you hook up with, and you obviously couldn’t care less about some online blonde.  So instead of insulting me with a “breakfast date” just get off of the site and stop wasting my time.  Breakfast is normally the awkward meal you might feel obligated to have AFTER a date, not before!

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Rape Jokes: The Freedom of Expression goes both ways

Date: June 8, 2013
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Comedy, Social Media, Uncategorized, Women and Feminism
Comments: 1 Reply
English: A Sennheiser Microphone

English: A Sennheiser Microphone (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

If you are not a comedian, you may not have heard about a debate swirling like a tsunami of controversy all over the internet.  Is it ever OK to tell a rape joke?  Is it acceptable if the subject of the joke is the rape victim?

This whole thing started about a year ago at Laugh Factory during a set by Daniel Tosh.  A heckler responded to several rape jokes in a row by shouting at that stage, “Actually, rape jokes are never funny.”

Tosh snapped back with, “Wouldn’t it be funny if that girl got gang raped by like, five guys right now? Like right now?  Wouldn’t it be funny if a bunch of guys just raped her?.”

One thing every comedian should remember: nowadays most of the audience have some type of recording device in their hands and can share any joke or interaction with the world.  Comedy sets intended only for a small live audience can now go viral. This is not going to change anytime soon.  I am not a fan of things being taken out of context, or sets being uploaded to youtube without a comedian’s permission, but that is the world we live in.  In this case, Tosh’s interaction spread to the internet.  He eventually apologized saying his words were taken out of context.  Lindy West at Jezebel.com wrote the following article regarding the incident, How to Make a Rape Joke

To directly quote West:

In case this isn’t perfectly clear yet: You can say whatever you want.  You can say whatever you want. You can say whatever you want. You can say whatever you want.  You can say whatever you want.

In fact several times in her article she writes to the effect of, “You (comedians) can say whatever you want.”

West also goes on to show 4 clips of comedians telling rape jokes she thinks actually work – in each case the victim is not the subject of the joke.

Then this May, West wrote the another article about the topic, An Open Letter to White Male Comedians,

“Jokes” about rape and gendered violence are treated like an inevitability instead of a choice; like they’re beyond questioning; like they’re somehow equally sacred alongside women’s actual humanity and physical sanctity. When women complain,however civilly, they’re met with condescension, dismissal, and the tacit (or, often, explicit) message that this is not yours, you are not welcome here. It’s fucked up, you guys. And I’m saying that as a friend with the best intentions.”
 
“Please. You are not being silenced. There is no “thought police.” Your freedom of speech is firmly intact. You are a member of the single most powerful political bloc on earth. Your voices and your perspectives saturate nearly all media. You are fine. We are just having a conversation about your art, and your art is what you care about the most, right? Right?”

Recently West participated in a live debate with comedian Jim Norton about the subject of rape in comedy.  Here is the link: Totally Biased: Extended Talk with Jim Norton and Lindy West

West said a lot of things in the debate but never once called for censorship.  The reaction on the internet was the following.

  • She received threatening emails and tweets
  • Many attacked her personally including her weight and appearance
  • Many comments were sexually threatening

Here is a link to West actually reading some of the threats out loud.

If Comedy Has No Lady Problem, Why am I getting so many Rape Threats?

It all seems like a circular argument.  If comedians want freedom of expression, they have to remember it’s not just a one way street.  Audience members can complain, heckle, boo, walk out, or blog about a joke they found offensive.  Everyone has a right to their opinion.  It is not if holding a microphone makes anyone immune to criticism.  Anyone who works as a stand-up comedian knows an audience will shout out whatever they want during anyone’s set.  The behavior is rude, but it has been around as long as stand-up has existed.  If anything our current navel-gazing lifestyle of Facebook, twitter and blogs has made things worse.

The men threatening West with rape and other sexual violence are actually giving her fuel for her side of the argument.  It is difficult to claim that rape jokes are not endorsing rape, and then turn around and use rape language to physically threaten and intimidate another person.  For all their cries of censorship they are basically trying to silence their critic through bullying tactics and degrading language.  Speech does have power – powerful rhetoric has swayed entire nations to do all sorts of wonderful and horrible things.  Many have paid the ultimate price for exercising their right to free speech and speaking out against those who might harm them.

Comedians are just like anyone else with an opinion.  Politicians face repercussions when they say something that offends people, as do actors, musicians, authors, pundits, and anyone else who voices their opinion publicly.  Instead of trying to ridicule and intimidate the random critic, a comedian should instead listen to their audience.  If night after night they are getting groans, hecklers and boos after a joke – instead of patting themselves on the back and telling themselves they are an edgy genius.  Perhaps they should reconsider the joke.  After all a white comedian can walk into a black comedy club and do nothing but a set of racially charged material but they run the risk of getting booed off the stage.  Women also have every right to respond in kind to a joke they think is not funny or inappropriate.

If we want true free speech we have to take it all forms.  A comedian can make rape jokes, and a blogger can write a critique of those jokes.  A disagreement should not result in intimidation or physical threats.  If a person has to resort to commenting on someone’s appearance, or threatening their physical safety – they don’t know how to make a point, and they don’t know how to debate.  West was never threatening any comedian with physical assault, or rape.  She wasn’t even calling for censorship.  Even West’s opponent in the debate, Jim Norton, has condemned the threats towards West as disgusting.  If white male comedians wanted to prove that they aren’t misogynistic and immature they just accomplished the opposite.  Since I work in comedy I know that these men are the exception, not the rule, but their treatment of West, is making the everyone in comedy look bad.

For instance in my article about Adam Carolla: Adam Carolla So Women Aren’t Funny?. I never once made a nasty comment about him personally, and I certainly didn’t wish for him any physical harm.  I simply disagreed with his point of view, and tried to make my best argument using specific examples.  I don’t know him, he is probably a lovely human being and I assume he is an excellent father.  The debate was about ideas, not about tearing him apart.

If a comedian is really confident in their material they shouldn’t care about a random blogger.  Comedians are always going to have critics.  The best way to deal with our critics is to prove them wrong by getting laughs on stage.  So grab those microphones and go for it.  If you have rape jokes in your set, then make those rape jokes!  Just don’t freak out if someone in your audience or a blogger dares to criticize you for it.  Freedom of speech goes both ways – get used to it!

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Life After Divorce: Do you REALLY have to be friends with your Ex?

Date: May 14, 2013
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Divorce, Gay Husband, Relationships, Straight Spouse, Uncategorized
Comments: 8 Replies

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In some was I was lucky, the conditions of my divorce made my split extremely cauterized.  When I discovered my ex-husband was gay, I wanted out of the marriage immediately.  I saw no hope for reconciliation and had no desire to work anything out.  We had no children so I didn’t see the point in keeping him as a major part of my life.  For the first couple of years it was hard to sever that connection, but ultimately I think it did us both good to move on.  My divorce messed me up fairly badly, and I am still coping with the after effects on a day by day basis.  That being said, I have also found a disturbing and somewhat annoying trend with at least a half-dozen men that I have gone out with since my divorce.  They do the following:

  • Openly talk about their ex for most of the date
  • Admit to buying gifts, presents, for their former spouse – in one case she was already re-married
  • Remain Emotionally connected to a former lover even if they’ve moved on
  • Constantly post loving messages on their former partner’s Facebook wall, Twitter account or other forms of social media
  • Every status update, every twitter post – is somehow about their ex.
  • One man admitted he sabotaged his marriage because he was still not over an ex-girlfriend
  • On guy went so far as to ask me on advice on how to get his ex back – I was on a date with him at the time

Obviously this is a universal problem that effects men and women of all sexual orientations and gender identifications.  I think part of this stems from the relatively new concept, that one has to get along with his or her ex.

If a couple has children, then I totally see the point of wanting to maintain a positive, healthy relationship.  Otherwise, I am not sure it is always best to keep your former significant other as a huge part of your life.  I say this because time and time again I don’t see good outcomes.  Instead of the pain being intense, difficult and swift; the agony gets played out slowly and arduously for one if not both partners – sometimes for years.  One or both partners remain in a state of arrested development.  They might derive sexual pleasure from others, but they remain emotionally connected to someone who is using them, completely over them or toxic to their well-being.

Too many times one half of the union will still rely on the other for

  • Emotional stability – comfort
  • Some type of ego boost
  • A sense of normalcy
  • A place to dump their emotional baggage

Keeping a former love around in your life, even if just in an emotional capacity, can cause a person to not seek out that role in someone new.    I have known some couples that drag on this pseudo non-relationship far too long for anything healthy to come out of it.  Your relationship fell apart for a reason.

  • You constantly fought – damaging each other up in the process
  • You couldn’t agree on major life decisions – where to live, how to spend money, whether or not to have kids
  • You grew apart
  • One if not both of you couldn’t stay honest to the commitment – Infidelity or deception
  • Complete loss of trust
  • Untreated substance abuse
  • Emotional or physical abuse
  • Lack of respect or boundaries

Sometimes all the therapy in the world cannot change the fact that two people are simply not compatible.  Broken relationships are not necessarily a failure.  The damage that occurred in the partnership could be too great to repair.  Instead of holding on to an idealized version of an ex, a person should asses what went wrong, take responsibility for any mistakes or destructive behavior and then move on. Or they should do everything within their power to repair the damage, make up for their mistakes and get their former spouse back.  The middle ground is what can be so agonizing for so many.

In the cases of a straight spouse, sometimes our former spouses are just using us as an emotional crutch after massive deception and betrayal.  It is important to establish strong emotional boundaries so that a former spouse does not end up exploiting your emotions after they have just wrecked your life.   They need to grow up and deal with the consequences of their actions.  I have seen men and women complain about this problem repeatedly in straight spouse chat rooms, and discussion groups.  Our former spouses sometimes act like emotional vampires draining us of what little we have left.  It might feel scary to imagine life without your former spouse, but in the long run you will be better off if you allow some distance.

Relationships do not have to remain static.  It is more likely to rekindle a friendship with a former partner many years after a break up rather than immediately after the fall.  Just because we were at one time in love with someone doesn’t mean we won’t fall in love with someone new, or have a full life without them.  I have been guilty of this as well.  It’s human nature to want to fight for something that we once loved, but sometimes the best thing to do is move forward and not dwell on the past.

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For Some: All Women are Fat

Date: April 30, 2013
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Comedy, Uncategorized, Women and Feminism
Comments: 3 Replies

When my article “Dating After Divorce in a City of Sluts” exploded all over the internet I was strangely picked up by the humor website fark.com.  I have no idea who really reads fark.com but most of the comments seemed written with a 14-year-old male perspective.  I did have some supporters, but the majority of comments were along the lines of “Women aren’t funny” and “This chick is fat“. Someone had re-posted photos from my website.  The glaring evidence of my reckless obesity was this photo.

Schtupp12

My article had nothing to do with my physical appearance   So I am not sure why it was the main topic of discussion.  And when I look at this photo I think I look great, as do the women behind me.  I guess for some because my body is not up to the extreme standards of a photoshopped maxium model or the cartoonish proportions of a porn star I am basically huge.  Physical attractiveness and weight are subjective, but at 5’7″ and a BMI of 21 I am not by any reasonable standards fat or overweight.  A modeling agent would call me large, but they would also tell me the industry standard is a minimum of 5’10” and the highest paid models are extremely young – many in their teens.

When I shared my fark.com story with the women backstage at a burlesque show it unleashed an avalanche of similar tales.  It seemed every woman in the room, regardless of shape or size, had been hit with some completely non-related beauty related insult or remark.   The very thin women complained of getting snide remarks such as,

  • Eat a sandwich
  • You’re anorexic
  • You look sick

Women with plastic surgery have heard,

  • Your body is fake
  • You have a botox frozen face – even if they haven’t had botox
  • Your boobs are plastic

And for some any woman over the age of 35 is simply too old to even appear in public. Tabloids and the media just feed into this.  I am always floored when I see a photograph in a magazine of an actress in her mid-forties with an arrow pointed to a slight bulge in her lower abdomen with the question

  • Baby bump?

She is far less likely pregnant, then simply going through the physical changes of a typical 45-year-old woman.  And can we just accept that slightly dimpled skin is simply part of being female, especially when it doesn’t seem to correlate to a person’s weight, fitness level or even age.  Why does any sign of cellulite warrant panic, fear and terror when about 90% of women have some amount of it.

But regardless of any of this, when was the last time a man speaking to another man decided to unleash the nuclear option in an argument and blurt out a

  • You’re fat
  • You’re ugly
  • You’re old

I can’t think of a single time in my life I have seen that happen.  I have never seen a woman say anything like it to a man, unless the argument was somehow about his weight or age.  Some feel the lowest nastiest thing they could say to a woman is basically – you are not sexually attractive.  As if any of us will just crumble to a pile of low self-esteem dust when someone makes such a judgment call.

I have reached a point in my life where I just flat-out don’t care anymore.  I don’t give a flying f*ck if someone thinks I am fat, unattractive, if my ass is too big, and my breasts are too small.  I don’t care if they think I am too old, my skin is starting to sag on my face, or that I have wrinkles around my eyes when I smile.

I know I am not 25.  No one needs to point out to me the year of my birth.  Being older is not a weakness.  What my age has given me is the wisdom and knowledge to understand there will always be another younger more beautiful and attractive woman just around the corner.  Physical appearance is fleeting, and real perfection is impossible to obtain.  Our real value comes from our hearts and minds, which will live on long after we are at our physical sexual peak.  We either get old or we die, there is no way around it.  So I accept my age, and I don’t try to run or hide from it.

My favorite comeback was once uttered to a wardrobe coordinator on the set of a now cancelled television show.  When she kept making remarks about my weight I hit back with.

“Listen, I can see my ribs through my skin.  I don’t think I’m fat.”

Insults like these are just another way to try to disarm us and to dilute the real point.  We are women with opinions, sexual pride and we are more than the sum of our physical parts.  How dare a woman who is not a size 0 get onstage and take her clothes off in a burlesque show!  How dare a woman without perfect facial symmetry or glowing skin pick up a microphone and speak her mind!  How dare a woman in her late fifties write an article criticizing the status quo!  Shouldn’t we all be trapped in our homes existing on salads and lean proteins while working out three hours a day in the hopes that we will be the youngest, prettiest, thinnest woman in any room?  F*CK THAT!  The next time a man calls me fat, unattractive, or old I will simply turn to him and say.

Thank you sir may I have another!  What does that have to do with anything!

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One Straight Spouse who supports Same-Sex Marriage

Date: March 27, 2013
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Closet Case, Gay Husband, Gay Rights, Same Sex Marriage, Straight Spouse, Uncategorized
Comments: 14 Replies
Same Sex Marriage

Same Sex Marriage (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The current court struggle against the Defense of Marriage Act  in the US Supreme Court  could help decide the fate of same-sex marriage in this country.  If the federal government decides that limiting marriage to one man and one woman is unconstitutional, opportunities for same-sex marriage legislation could open up in states that have banned such unions. Any laws currently on the books in states that violate the US constitution will be basically nullified.  We have seen examples of this same thing in regards to civil rights and access to abortion.  The marriage equality battle has in many ways reached a tipping point.

Opponents of same-sex marriage claim that letting gays marry will cause some sort of destruction of our society.  If we allow gays to marry the institution of marriage will erode and locusts and frogs will drop from the sky, maybe the rivers will run with blood.  Biblical plagues aside, preventing gays and lesbians from entering into legally binding marriages does have real life consequences.  Marriages that are not recognized by the state face all sorts of legal obstacles – child custody, inheritance, citizenship, tax penalties even health insurance.  One group of collateral damage that is largely ignored – straight spouses and their families.

When I use the label straight spouse, most people have no idea what I am talking about.  As a group we are mostly hidden.  A common saying in straight spouse groups is “As our spouses come out of the closet, we go into one.”  We are not small in numbers, according to many sources including the Straight Spouse Network there are approx. two million Americans who end up in a mixed orientation marriage.  It might be hard for many to believe that the problem is so prevalent, but straight spouses exist in every region in the United States crossing every racial, cultural and socioeconomic boundary.  We are everywhere, and a direct result of prejudice and hatred for homosexuality.  Ironically we were all one half a traditional marriage that was wrecked by homophobia.

In most situations a gay man or woman enters into a marriage with a straight partner under false pretenses.  They want children, a stable home life, white picket fences and apple pie dreams.  What they usually end up with are broken families and deeply damaged relationships.  No one can live a lie for an extended period of time and not do great destruction to themselves and everyone around them.  Some are in denial of their true orientation for years, while others actively pursue a full-blown homosexual life for the duration of their sham marriages.  A few mixed orientation marriages are successful.  However they are the exception not the norm.  In most cases both partners knew they were entering a non-traditional relationship.  The vast majority of mixed orientation marriages leave a path of destruction across generations.

No laws are going to stop human sexuality.  Even in countries where homosexuality, promiscuity and adultery are punishable by death the behavior still occurs.  Homosexuality, bisexuality, transgendered identity have been around as long as humans have been on this planet.  Instead of subjugating GLBT people into second class citizens and forcing them to live a life of shame, we should embrace them as they are and end this insane marginalization.  Sexual activity between two consenting adults should not be an issue of the state or anyone.

Had my former spouse, and countless others felt they had the option to marry and raise children with a same-sex partner the plight of many straight spouses like myself, could have been much different.   When opponents of same-sex marriage cry that these partnerships will be a threat to traditional marriage, I have to think of my own wrecked life and question their logic.

The damage that I have suffered as a result of my marriage and subsequent divorce has been devastating.  Even four years after the fact I have difficulty trusting and bonding with intimate partners.  I have yet to have a decent, stable relationship for any length of time.  Yet I am one of the luckier ones: I didn’t contract HIV, I didn’t have to go through a divorce with children, I didn’t lose everything, I didn’t have to bury my spouse from AIDS, and I didn’t commit suicide.

We need marriage equality NOW, so that in a few generations there will be no such thing as a straight spouse.  Every man or woman should have the same expectations for a loving legal partnership that is recognized by the state and society.  Forcing people to live in rigid narrow constraints leads to nothing but suffering.  Gays, lesbians, bisexuals and transgendered people are simply part of humanity.  It’s about time we accept them as full-fledged members of the human race and not buy into bigotry and superstitious nonsense.

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Dating In New York: Anatomy of a Hook-up

Date: March 21, 2013
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating After Divorce, Depression, Divorce, Relationships, Straight Spouse, Uncategorized
Comments: 4 Replies
bed

bed (Photo credit: Quiet Here)

I have been meaning to write this one for months now.  So please don’t anyone get concerned, I am doing fine.  I just wanted to capture in a slightly different writing style than my usual.  Also this is not in reference to any one specific person.  This is a piece of fiction based on my life…the incident that inspired it actually happened several months ago.  So please don’t anyone think I am writing about them again…for the love of Pete! 

I always tell myself – I’m never going to do it again.  It is a poor substitute for what I really need.  I go for months without physical contact from another human – skin touching skin, the warmth of another body, the sound of another heartbeat.  When I was younger it seemed so much easier.  Everyone was so willing to fall so quickly.  Now every man I meet is so jaded, too guarded to let anyone in.  I’m skittish myself, no matter how hard I try it’s difficult to feeling anything.  The men become little more than a body.

I keep hoping that I will find another partner and become entwined with them in every way possible.  The wait lasts forever and nothing seems to change.  When I finally succumb to my carnal desires, not so much desires as a basic human need, I know I am not going to find anything more than a fleeting moment.  All of the bottled up longing and loneliness suddenly explodes.  My body unable to stand it one day longer.

This one seems harmless I think to myself.  I doubt this guy will give me a hard time, stalk me, make my life difficult, hate me or curse my name into infinity, send me hateful emails, dramatically kick me off his Facebook profile or dump me from his twitter,  so I give in.  What is normally a fortress – difficult for most to enter, the lucky devil is given the key to the front door.  I get so sick of always saying no. I am not interested.  You’re too young.  You’re just a player.  I have trust issues.  I don’t do casual things well.

I finally connect and let someone close but it always feels like a faded facsimile of the real thing.  Memories swirl in my head of the last time it meant so much more.  The last time this actually felt real.

As we go through the motions I can still see his face, and smell his skin.  I hear his voice with words so sweet they were like a million sugar cubes dissolving in my mouth all at once dripping down my throat and filling me up in an instant.   Were they lies or was it the truth?  Does it matter? I believed them.

Don’t make me look at you, don’t make me look into your eyes, that’s asking too much.  I’ll do nearly anything you’ll ask, I’ll put up with your sexual theatrics, but don’t ask that of me.  Reenact your pornos, turn me into your sexual doll, but don’t make me try to care about you.  I’m not your true love, I’m not your dream girl, I’m just a hit of drug you so desperately need.  Tomorrow another woman will soothe your demons, calm your soul and get your rocks off.

Your hands replace his hands, your eyes his eyes, your breath his breath.  The ghost of what I once had wraps itself around me, while I kid myself with a stranger.  I wonder who do you think of as you kiss my lips, stokes my hair, and hold the small of my back?  Who is the one still burned in your brain?  I know it’s not me, but I grind away anyway hoping for a savior, or at least a release.

Please don’t cuddle up to me afterward.  Please don’t go on about you day, or tell me your troubles, and by all means don’t tell me about your other women.  Whatever you do just tell me anything about her.  Don’t remind me how insignificant I am.  She doesn’t want you, she has moved on and she is so cruel she shoves it right in your face, yet you can’t let go of her.  You’re a slave to a dead dream.

I get so tired of playing this same game over and over again.  My defenses come back.   I teach myself to become numb again.  Give him no ammunition – I tell myself.  Give him no reason to reject you, reject him first, blow him off, cut them off, do not care or at least pretend to not care.  It is not that he doesn’t  want you.   You don’t want him.

The euphoria lasts sometimes for a few minutes and sometimes hours.  Maybe if I am lucky I get a day or two.  The indifference returns.  In an instant the spaces between hundreds of bricks built on disappointments and broken promises fill with defensive mortar and solidify around me.  The great wall of self-protection is back.   Until the next time when I just can’t take it anymore, and what seems like a bad idea, what I know is a mistake, suddenly has to happen.

I remember when it was so different, when a sigh or touch could melt away the fears and pain.   The glimpse of someone’s eyes could warm my heart and for a moment I could feel something.  I don’t know if I will ever get back there, or if this is the new normal.

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