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Sexual Harassment – Nothing to Brag About

Date: March 21, 2013
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Uncategorized, Women and Feminism
Comments: 5 Replies
sexharass

sexharass (Photo credit: iVoryTowerz)

The first time it happened I was shopping with my mother in a discount department store.  I felt a physical quality that was completely new to me.  It was a fear, almost primal in nature that filled me with an uneasiness and mild panic.  I was drifting in and out of the circular racks of clothing when I felt it before I heard their words,

“Look at blondie.  Someone thinks she’s sexy.  Hey, little sexy girl.”

I was only five years old.  They continued,

“Do you want to come home with us pretty little lady?” as they laughed in a way that caused my spine to ache.

My mother, at first in shock that this was even happening, laid into them in a rare public display of anger.  Her voice strident with all the rage of an animal protecting her young,

“What is wrong with you?  She is a child?  You are disgusting! Get away from my daughter!”

Even with my mother’s objection they simply cackled in her face and walked away.  I wondered what I had done to cause them men to do that.  Was I walking strange?  Did I have a weird look on my face?  Was it something I was wearing?  I knew it wasn’t just the words.  What I felt that day was unseen and startling to me – it was predatory sexual energy.

That incident was the first of many.  Strangers have grabbed me on the street, I have been stalked, cyber-stalked, intimidated, threatened, insulted and fought off more than one would be attacker.  My childhood dentist would make blow job references.  One eye doctor was noticeably aroused in front of me, when I was only 13 years old.  Then there was our parish pastor who simply creeped me out.  A photo exists of me in my first communion dress standing next to him, the rigidness in my back, apparent from my body language.   I am not sure why he made me uncomfortable, I just knew his hand on my shoulder made me queasy.

In the workplace I didn’t fare much better.   It didn’t help that most of my jobs, meant to supplement my acting career, were rife with toxic work environments.  When I worked at a sandwich shop near the Chicago Board of trade my manager had the back room plastered with X-rated porn images.  He would comment on my body and more than once graze up against me.  Was it an accident?  Why did it seem to happen nearly every day?  I needed the job for the summer, I put up with it with the message in my brain. Just one more month, just one more month, just one more month.  I only had one more month until school started and I didn’t have time to quit and find a new job.  I had to pay my rent, so I put up with it.

Multiple food service jobs that I had over the years I dealt with: comments from co-workers, full on gropings and even uninvited kisses.  I would always blow up and chastise the men for their behavior but why did I have to constantly correct them after the fact?  Even in the corporate world it didn’t completely stop.  Once when discussing my tax returns a co-worker implied that my acting and modeling income was the same as working as a stripper or prostitute.  I threatened to go to Human Resources and report him, he immediately apologized.

Recently I shared a story about having to drop out of college and give up on a full ride scholarship due to overwhelming sexual harassment. A peer in a writing class commented that

“I was bragging”

because of this admission and another story about being hit on in a work related environment   He  put the two stories together and decided I was boasting about being sexually desirable.  I was just so floored that a man would view sexual harassment this way.

“I should be proud that “I still have got it!” was his second quote.

Well at the time of the first sexual harassment, in college, I was all of 18 years old.  I think most 18-year-old women have got plenty to attract most men.

When the words came out of his mouth I was just too dumbfounded to actually say much of anything.  Is this really how some men view sexual harassment?  Should women be open and gracious to all sexual advances no matter how unwanted or inappropriate?

Is it really so difficult to understand the concept that sometimes women just want to go to work, get and education or walk down the street without having to feel like the object of some man’s sexual fantasy?  Do these men understand that we don’t want to feel like we must “go along” with comments or actions to keep our jobs, get a good grade or be polite?

Would this same man view a story about rape, attempted rape or child molestation as boasting?  That somehow I was so physically attractive that a man just couldn’t help themselves and decided to force me into a sexual situation.  Harassment is simply a weaker form of sexual abuse.  Rape, molestation and sexual intimidation are all various shades of the same color.  Because that is what harassment is at its core – intimidation.  It is forcing a woman who has no power to speak out or do anything about the abuse to put up with it.  She may have thought she was getting an education, or working at a job, but a man with some power over her, has decided that it is more important that she is a sexual plaything.

As if being intimidated to the whim of an older man with power over my future was somehow something to envy.  It seemed like a classic case of projection.  Perhaps he had a fantasy of an older woman coming on to an 18-year-old version of himself.  What he failed to understand about female and male sexuality is profound.  Perhaps he resents the sexual inequality between the genders.   Woman can get sex easier than most men.  The downside is of course, that woman also have to deal with sexual violence far more often than men.  I wondered if this man had ever had a grade in college determined on whether he would or would not have sex with a teacher.  Would it be OK if the teacher harassing him was a gay man?  Had he ever been pushed up against a wall by a stranger and groped?  Had he ever had a man force himself on him sexually?

Was he implying that sexual harassment is not a real problem?  He even used the phrase

“I was making much to do about nothing.”

It was shocking really.  I walked away from a full ride scholarship because I didn’t want feel forced into a sexual relationship.  Would this man want his daughter to face the same dilemma in her career?  Would he want his mother, sister or girlfriend to put up with this kind of treatment at her workplace?

I baffles me that sexual harassment should even be talked about in this way.  I am more than whatever sexual desire a man wants to project upon me.  I am more than the sum of my body parts.  I am more than my physical appearance.  And when I finally become too old, when my glory days are over.  I won’t look back and miss the feeling that I first felt at such a young age with my mother – like a prey animal about to be devoured by a predator.  I am not bragging when I simply call to light a problem that nearly all women have had to deal at some point in their lives.  I am just sharing what it is like to be female – and our reality is not always so nice.

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Dating in New York: Mr. Spontaneous

Date: February 19, 2013
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating After Divorce, Relationships, Uncategorized
Comments: 3 Replies
Texting

Texting (Photo credit: Joi)

One particular dating archetype that I have heard a lot about lately is Mr. Spontaneous.  I am sure there are women who do this sort of thing, but it is especially a problem with men in New York City.  Mr. Spontaneous is the #1 complaint that I hear from women about dating in the Big Apple.  What defines a Mr. Spontaneous?

  • Text – Late at night – Only on weekends – Expect you to come to their location
  • Refuses or avoids making plans ahead of time
  • When the tables are turned they will not drop everything to see you on a moment’s notice

Most men who do this will claim they are simply living in the moment or being spontaneous.  What they are really saying though is that you aren’t worth even a modicum of pre-planning or respect.  You are a girl on call, probably one of many, ready willing and able to drop whatever you are doing to come over on his terms.   If you already have established a mutually beneficial relationship of late-night, last-minute hook-ups that is one thing.  But if a man is pursuing you, and you don’t have boundaries established, it is extremely rude behavior.  It is not living life in the moment, or being spontaneous, it is just inconsiderate.

A good rule of thumb is to ask yourself

“Would I do this to a friend?” or “Would a friend treat me like this?”

If the answer is no, don’t put up with it from some random guy.  Would you text a friend at 1:30 at night to come meet you at a bar?  Perhaps, but it would probably be someone you know extremely well.  You know they will be awake at that hour, and maybe you have met them for late night drinks before.  If this man is new to your life, he should not be treating you like an unpaid prostitute.  Of course there is nothing wrong with taking the bait and meeting someone for a late-night sex session. Chances are though, the minute you allow this type of treatment, things will not improve.   If you want a no-strings attached sexual relationship, he should at least do the same for you.  You should be able to text him at 2 am and expect him to come flying over.  If he doesn’t drop him like a hot rock and don’t look back.

I really loathe the ridiculous dating guide “The Rules” as it sets up rigid guidelines about when a man should call and exactly how a woman should react to his advances.  I don’t believe anyone should live according to such an exact standard, and some of their advice encourages emotional manipulation .  However, I do think the authors do make a valid point; any man who doesn’t give some notice for a date is not worth your time.

Another sign that you aren’t being taken seriously are the following:

  • He needs a date for a social engagement – He has no interest in seeing you otherwise
  • Doesn’t want you to meet his friends, or meet your friends – Only wants you to come to their place when it is convenient for him
  • Only wants you to attend shows, gallery openings, band performances – Wants a groupie not a date
  • Put zero effort in seeing you on your terms
  • Has no interest in getting to know you better – He asks few personal questions about you.
  • He tells you very little about himself
  • Never move beyond text messages or email in communication – Phone calls are too personal

No woman should expect an instant boyfriend or partner, nor is that a healthy thing to desire.  Every relationship builds at its own pace and neither partner should rush into anything.  You shouldn’t expect everything at once, but you should also not feel disrespected.  If the shady behavior goes on for an extended period of time, there is a reason he is not letting you in.  You are simply a sexual plaything and you will never be seen as anything more.  If you are wanting more of a connection, allowing a man to treat you poorly is not going to get you anywhere.

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Dating Online: The Coward

Date: February 18, 2013
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating After Divorce, Dating Online, Relationships, Social Media, Uncategorized
Comments: 23 Replies
The Cowardly Lion as pictured in The Wonderful...

The Cowardly Lion as pictured in The Wonderful Wizard of Oz by L. Frank Baum (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This particular problem is not relegated to any gender, sexual orientation or age group.  Cowards  in the dating world are sadly universal.  I would bet that even prehistoric men and women scratched their heads over this dating archetype.   What is a coward?

A person who asks someone out on a date, only to then:

  • Cancel last-minute
  • Stand-up a date
  • Constantly reschedule
  • Make themselves consistently unavailable
  • Claim they never made the date in the first place – Act as if it was somehow a misunderstanding

I want to emphasize the distinction here, a coward is the person who sets up the date in the first place, and then blows it off. That is a huge difference, because plenty of people might bail on a date for any number of reasons.  Life is complicated, misunderstandings are common and people really might need to cancel.  They may also not be that interested and bailing on a date is a passive aggressive way of saying as much.  However if a man or woman asks someone out on a date, the need to do everything in their power to follow through.  A coward sends the mixed signal of

I want to go out with you, only I DON’T actually want to go out with you.

I hear these stories all the time from both men and women.  It has happened to me more times than I can count, and I will admit that one gentlemen strung me along like this for months.  I didn’t quite have my post-divorce self-confidence back yet so for reasons I still don’t quite understand, I put up with it.

Over half the men that ask me out on online dating sites do this.  The scenario goes something like this:

  1. They send the first email asking me to go out.
  2. I respond saying I would love to go out with them.
  3. Then they either cancel at the last second, blow me off completely, or never get around to actually planning anything.

I used to give these types the benefit of the doubt, but now I don’t.  If they can’t get it together for one date, they probably aren’t going to get it together for much more.   I used to think it was due to my blog, so I stopped using my name in any correspondence online.  Multiple friends of both genders have said this exact scenario plays out with them repeatedly.  Why do people do this?  I am not sure why but it might be

  • Fear of Failure – They are worried they will be ultimately rejected so they avoid the date, thereby avoiding rejection.
  • Fear of Success – If your date does actually go well, then they might have to deal with some type of dating situation this freaks them out, so they self-sabotage.
  • Intimacy Issues – They would rather have some type of fantasy of you than actually deal with another human being.
  • Seeing someone else – It is all a game to them, you are merely a pawn for their ego.
  • Ego Boost – They asked a person out just to see if they would say yes, never intending to go out with them.
  • Living in a Virtual Reality – A person becomes so accustomed to relationships online social networking etc, that a real one is just too much for them to handle.

Faking out dates is almost rampant behavior nowadays.   It seems completely irrational as asking a person out on a date is a bold move, and makes a person quite vulnerable.  It is such a problem with online dating, I could almost bet half the guys who end up in my inbox will never follow through with an actual date.

Actions really do speak louder than words.  If a person is not making you a priority in their life, then they are letting you know that you are not really that important to them.  Asking you out, only to then flake is rude, inconsiderate and downright baffling behavior.  If someone really wants to see you, they will move heaven and earth to make that happen.  Don’t waste your time on a coward.

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Melissa McCarthy is Obese – So what?

Date: February 8, 2013
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Comedy, Entertainment, Uncategorized, Women and Feminism
Comments: 4 Replies

In his recent movie review for the newly released Identity Theft Rex Reed refers to comedic actress Melissa McCarthy as tractor-sized, humongous, obese and a female hippo.  Rex Reed hated the film, tearing apart the screenplay, the direction and even the very premise.  He has every right to his opinion on the film as a whole; however, he goes too far when he attacks the weight of one of its stars.

According to OutofAfrica.com the average hippo is 15 feet in length and weighs about 3.5 tons, or 7,000 pounds.  Hippos are also incredibly aggressive towards humans making them one of the most dangerous large animals in Africa.  I don’t know Melissa McCarthy’s weight but I would take a wild guess that it is nowhere near 7,000 pounds.  I also doubt that she would be considered dangerous or aggressive.   The average weight of a farm tractor is 18,661 pounds, or roughly 2.5 hippos, so she is not quite as heavy as a tractor either.   His use of the term, humongous is subjective I guess, but it is especially harsh since the origin of the word comes from combining huge with monstrous.

The Center for Disease Control (CDC) defines obesity on a person having a Body Mass Index or  (BMI) of 30 or higher. The CDC lists the average weight of an American woman at 166 lb. with a waist circumference of 37.5 inches.  I don’t know McCarthy’s height or weight, but based on photos I would have to make a guess that she would probably be classified as obese.  The CDC estimates that approx. 35.9% of adult Americans would be considered obese.    Since such a significant portion of the population has a BMI of 30 or higher, is it really so extraordinary that an actress of that size appear as a lead character in a film?  Wouldn’t one-third of the country want to occasionally see someone who represents what they look like on the silver screen?

What does her size matter in this or any film?  It is not like she is portraying a personal trainer, runway model or starving refugee.  In this movie, her weight is about as relevant as her eye and hair color.  If the role specifically needed a slim woman that he might have a point, but in this case her weight might have actually helped her get the part.  She is portraying a common thief in Florida, shouldn’t she reflect the weight of a more common American?  Not every story or character calls for the usual 22-year-old Hollywood waif.

I suspect that McCarthy’s gender may have played a role in being ridiculed for being overweight. Eric Stonestreet best known for his performance of Cameron Tucker in the acclaimed hit television show, Modern Family, is hardly svelte.  Stonestreet is heavily featured in the film’s trailer yet Mr. Reed didn’t see the need to call him a beached whale.  He didn’t even mention him in his review.

Could we just move on from talking about any actresses weight?  The average size of most actresses in American films is alarming slender.  When someone as slim and in shape as the awarding winning actress, Jennifer Lawrence complains about being considered a fat actress by Hollywood standards, clearly the criterion in Hollywood is completely out of whack.  Shouldn’t it be about talent or finding the best actress for any specific role?

Haven’t we had enough already?  Isn’t the success of the film Bridesmaids proof enough that an obese actress can not only be extremely entertaining but help make a movie into a blockbuster.  According to BoxOfficemojo.com the world-wide gross for Bridesmaids was over $288 million dollars.  Somehow I don’t think it would have been as successful without the hysterical McCarthy, no matter what her weight.

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Top 10 Worst Things to Say to a Newly Divorced Person

Date: January 30, 2013
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Divorce, Relationships, Straight Spouse, Uncategorized
Comments: 17 Replies
LOL Just divorced. And no, that's not my car.

LOL Just divorced. And no, that’s not my car. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A friend suggested I write this post, when I mentioned to her some of the things people have said to me post-split.  It’s been three and a half years since my divorce but the hits keep coming!  So I asked some of my divorced Facebook friends to tell me some of the worst comments they have gotten.  Since I have even more readers on this blog, if you have one you want me to add any that I don’t have here, PLEASE SHARE THEM!  More often that not, the rudest most inappropriate comments come from casual acquaintances, not close friends.  Also my friend and fellow divorcee, Carolyn Castiglia has re-posted some of my comments at Babble.com  If you notice any changes in my quotes from this article to hers, it is just because I made edits to my piece in the after she had read it, but before her article got published.  I don’t have an editor over here, so I am constantly revising myself. 🙂

1. You should have tried to keep it together for the kids – There have been tons of studies published about the negative effects of divorce on children. Divorce is never easy on anyone and it usually the last resort for any couple with kids.  Parents know it isn’t exactly healthy to raise children in a combative environment with constant fighting. If one spouse is being physically, mentally or emotionally abusive to another, the abuse could easily spread to the children.  In fact some couples may have divorced for the sake of their kids.  Growing up in an extremely toxic environment can cause a lot more damage than splitting time between two households.  The decision to divorce has probably weighed heavily on the couple for months if not years.  When someone states this obvious fact it is just rubbing salt in a wound.

2. How could you give up that lifestyle?  The money, cars, vacations?  Couldn’t you just put up with it? – So are you a spouse or a prostitute?  For some, it is a fine line, as some men and women marry purely for financial gain.  But for the vast majority of us, we married for love and no amount of money and stability can replace that.  If one partner is treating the other like garbage, the damage to a person‘s self-esteem and sense of well-being is not worth any amount of material wealth.

3. I totally saw it coming – Who are they the divorce Svengali? No one knows what goes on in a marriage besides the two people in that marriage.  No one.  It is one thing if you have confided to your friend that you were having problems.  It’s another thing entirely if you haven’t.

4. You need tons of sex, you should just go out there and get laid, go crazy – It’s not terrible advice, but for some sex can turn into another form of self-destructive behavior,  just like drugs or alcohol.  I suspect that some say this because they are secretly wishing they could “live the dream.”  Being single after a certain age is hardly a sexual paradise.  For many of us it is boring, lonely and quite sexless.

5. You’re in denial – For some divorce is the greatest thing that ever happened to them.  No one should assume that they are denying their real grief.

6. You should change your name back – I just got this one the other day.  I just looked at the woman funny when she said it.  I decided to keep my ex-husband’s surname because I had built up professional credits with it.  I didn’t want to start over and rebuild up everything considering I had lost so much. Legally I can keep his name.  Why anyone would think this is nothing more than a personal decision is baffling.

7. Oh you’ll get married again.  There’s someone out there for everyone – This comment is well-meant, but a lot of divorced people NEVER want to get married again.  Since divorce is hell on earth, for so many of us, why would we want to repeat it?

8. I always hated him/her – Ouch.  When someone says this they might expect a divorced person to immediately agree with them and start ripping apart their ex.  Divorce is sometimes extremely one-sided and a person could still be very much in love, or at least conflicted about their former partner.  When in doubt, don’t go there.

9. I never knew why the two of you were together in the first place – I have no idea why anyone would think this is appropriate to say, yet plenty do.  A statement like this completely invalidates a marriage.  It implies their partnership was a freak show that no one could understand.  A newly divorced person is usually in mourning for what they just lost, a comment like this hits below the belt.

10. You really need to get over this and move past it. – Everyone grieves at different speeds.  No two divorces or relationships are the same.  No one should make a judgment call about another person’s suffering .  The most annoying people who make this comment,  are those who have never even been married.

11. Welcome to Hell – I know this bring it to 11, but I personally love this comment because people also say to people who just got married!  I guess it is a matter of perspective.

12. You gave him the best years of your life – OK now it’s 12 things. But my mother actually said that exact phrase to me for months, in fact she still does.  My mother means well, and I have developed a sense of humor about her morbidity about the failure of my marriage.  I did sacrifice most of my child-bearing years to that partnership, but I still think the best years of my life are yet to come.  So thanks Mom, I know you only want the best for me.  🙂

PLEASE SHARE any comments you have gotten!  🙂 

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Dating in NYC: Sexless and the City

Date: January 22, 2013
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating - NYC, Divorce, New York City, Relationships, Uncategorized
Comments: 14 Replies
Cosmopolitan

Cosmopolitan (Photo credit: penguinbush)

Critics scrutinized the popular HBO series Sex and the City for the unrealistic extravagant lifestyles of its female protagonists.   My biggest complaint with the series, and the myth it still perpetuates, is that I don’t know many single women who have that much sex.  I have lived in New York now for nearly 12 years.  Single for over three years, my existence has been mostly a solitary one.  I only bring up SATC because despite the fact that it went off the air several years ago, it still casts a shadow of the archetype for urban living.  In Lena Dunham‘s dreadful (I don’t care how many awards it wins) Girls one character is completely obsessed with Carrie Bradshaw‘s dream of designer labels, expensive shoes, ridiculously expensive addresses, multiple cocktail brunches and a bevy of sexual partners.   The CW is currently in production of Candance Bushnell’s prequel to SATC The Carrie Diaries.   No matter how fantastical or mythical, this twisted metropolitan fairy tale won’t die.

Other than my low-income, I am close to the living embodiment of the characters on SATC.  I don’t aspire to trendy addresses or designer labels, but shouldn’t I at least have a complicated and active sex life?  Don’t men of all socioeconomic classes need to get their groove on?  Where are all the single straight guys?  Where are all the single gal brunches filled with sordid tales of the size male genitalia, unusual sexual requests and liaisons with wealthy business men who tip us after the fact.

The last time I had brunch with a friend we found ourselves surrounded by families with small children.  No eavesdropping parent would be concerned, as instead of swapping X-rated stories, we both kvetched about how difficult it was to date in this city.  I don’t understand why it is so difficult for me, or any of my friends.  Most of the single women I know are gorgeous, talented, accomplished and fiercely intelligent.  We aren’t searching for Mr. Perfect, but we also don’t like putting up with terrible behavior.    I cannot write from a man’s perspective, but I know many woman have gone through the following:

  • Have a date stand them up or cancel at the last second
  • Have a man lie about being single
  • A date will expect sex only on his terms when he wants it.
  • Never follow through on a date but try to keep us strung along via email or text msg.
  • Flip out and have a breakdown on second or third date
  • Become obsessed with ripping on or tearing apart an ex-girlfriend or ex-wife
  • Become sexually dysfunctional due to a porn addiction
  • Dates with men who are so socially awkward, any conversation is difficult if not impossible
  • Expect sex immediately after meeting you

I haven’t lived all of these examples but I have heard so many stories from female friends it is stunning when any date works out.  I have learned to no longer think beyond the first date or any date. No matter how well I think it went, I may never hear from the man again for reasons that I will never know or understand.

I have completely thrown out the rule book and lowered all of my expectations as I now joke this has been my de-evolution in the dating world.  I started out quite ambitious, when I first left my husband I thought I might actually want to get married again but I quickly changed my tune.  I have gone from the following

  • Fall in Love, get married, start a family or become step-parent to children from a previous relationship
  • Fall in Love, be in a long-term committed relationship if children are part of it great, if not then OK
  • Be in a long-term relationship, not necessarily with a huge commitment
  • Date the same person for an extended period of time
  • Go on more than two or three dates with the same person

I dropped “Fall in Love” quickly into my search.  I am not kidding or joking that I have been in the last category now for nearly three years.  Something happens fairly early on in each budding relationship to muck everything up.   Most of the time it is clear after the first date that it just isn’t a good match.  I have also found a lot of men in my age group, extremely damaged from a past breakup.  Then there are the life-long bachelors, the man-children, the commitment phobic Lotharios.  I honestly wouldn’t mind these men much if they were just more honest about their intentions.  Too often they blur the lines of playing the part of the would-be boyfriend while never really wanting to commit.   When I try to play the casual dating game, I usually screw everything up.  I am simply not used to the rules.   I get told a lot that I am “too nice”.  Some incorrectly think I want some huge major commitment right off the bat.  Coldness seems counter-intuitive towards someone I am trying to get to know better, yet my effusiveness comes across as clingy and desperate.

My friends who seem to have the most active sex lives are polyamorous. That is, people who openly have relationships with more than one partner.  Their lifestyle is a puzzle to me, and I don’t quite understand it, but it seems to work for them.   I guess New York is an all or nothing town.   How did we get here?  And what happened to normal dating?  I refuse to be treated like a doormat by anyone, and I don’t wish to have multiple partners.  I don’t say this necessarily for moral reasons, I simply don’t have the time or inclination to juggle more than one person.

So instead of high priced cocktails and wild affairs, I’ll drink my coffee and go home to my cat.  Maybe I’ll watch the fairy tales about $1600 shoes and a new boyfriend every night.  That is fantasy land, and my life is something all together different.

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Dating Online: Nice Guys of OKCupid – Why it’s Horrible

Date: January 9, 2013
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating Online, Relationships, Uncategorized
Comments: 14 Replies
Loser

Loser (Photo credit: jugbo)

I get a lot of love and hate mail due to things I have written on this blog.   My critics come from every direction imaginable from angry males calling me a man-hating shrew to virulent feminists claiming I am eroding the women’s movement.  I find all of this venom ironic since I average a little over 100 readers a day.  Not that bad for a total unknown blogger, but there are blogs out there that get a lot more traffic than this one.  Men often take umbrage with my articles, and I can understand their frustration.  I write from a woman’s perspective and I have repeatedly explained to many of my detractors that since I am female, I cannot write from a male’s perspective.  If men want to read about other the dating lives of males, they should read a blog written by someone with a penis.  I simply cannot write from an experience I know nothing about.

That being said I openly admit that I frequently make fun of the online dating profiles of men I find on dating websites.  I mock poorly written or pretentious self summaries on my Facebook page, in my stand-up routines and on this blog.  My regular readers like it when I point out the absurdity and arrogance of some of the men I encounter online.  I make no apologizes for it.  I do however go out of my way to protect the identity of anyone I ridicule.   I never include photos or even screen names.  My intent is not to make personal attacks or to public humiliate a man who might not have an inkling on how to write effectively on a dating website.  I have also tried to help men in their quest for love online.  Since I have scrolled through hundreds of profiles, I know what turns most women off.  In my articles Online Dating: Why you get ignored, and Dating in NYC: What to Not do on a First or Second Date I am honestly trying to help men not make the same mistakes I have seen time and time again.I completely agree with the creators of The Nice Guys of OKCupid up until a point.  Most of the men featured on their blog are clueless and have negative views about women.  However the crime of writing a poorly written dating profile should not subject anyone to public shaming.  I have no problem with poking fun at the grandiosity, rudeness or misogyny on any profile.  The Nice Guys of OKCupid crosses the line by attaching images to the poorly written content.  Now these men are no longer anonymous, any number of friends, relatives or co-workers can see personal information that was not meant for all the world to see.  Anyone could easily fabricate a dating profile and submit it to the site, in order to humiliate someone.  There is no way of authenticating if any of the information posted is actually accurate.

We all put ourselves out there when we sign up for a free online dating profile.   Vulnerability is not easy for anyone, especially men that might have limited social skills.  When we bare our souls looking for a possible mate, we also open ourselves up to the darker sides of someone’s psyche.  I have gotten pure hate from total strangers on dating sites.  I am not sure why, but now and then some man decides he needs to send me insulting or disgustingly perverted emails.   There is no joy in making myself open to this kind of negative behavior.   It makes me cringe when men I know tell me they stumbled upon my profile while browsing, or that I came up as a good match. I would rather not have to resort to putting so much personal information on a site for someone else to dissect, decipher and judge.

The whole thing reminds me of a bully finding a love note written by a total nerd to a popular girl and then plastering a high school with photocopies to humiliate the author. Are the men featured on Nice Guys of OKCupid clueless?  Yes.  But do they deserve public shaming for not understanding women?  No.  Do most men understand women?  Do most women understand men?  I don’t claim to know what is going on in the mind of most men and I would hate to see my own photo/profile in a

  • Women who think they are all that of OKCupid
  • Bitches of OKCupid
  • Cougars of OKCupid
  • Future Old Maids of OKCupid
  • Cat Ladies of OKCupid
  • Annoying Women of OKCupid

Will this public shaming do anything to change the behavior of those featured on the site?  I seriously doubt it.  If anything it will just make the men that much more disillusioned with the gender they already don’t understand.  When a person signs up for an online dating website they don’t sign up for another third-party to exploit them.   OKCupid should get the site taken down.  It is surprising that someone hasn’t already threatened the site with legal action.  I don’t think there is anything wrong with making fun of someone’s words  as long as their identities remain private.  Dating online is hard enough, do we have to make it that much harder?

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Dating in New York: A Reformed Man Whore

Date: December 19, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating - NYC, New York City, Relationships, Uncategorized
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42-17843858 (Photo credit: kedai-lelaki)

A good friend of mine recently confided in me his frustration with his man whore lifestyle.  It seems he was now back with his on and off again girlfriend of several years.  I don’t want to reveal his identity so I will leave out a lot of specifics.  After a little back and forth he basically said,  “I really have to get over being a man-whore, I am trying to work things out.”

To which I replied, “Look you aren’t 25 years old, there is only so long you are going to be able to pull off the man whore thing.  You don’t make a ton of money, you aren’t drop dead gorgeous and even if you were, your looks will fade anyway.  Don’t be an idiot.  Try to make this work.  You don’t know until you have lived without it, how painful it is to live without love.  You guys obviously care for each other or you wouldn’t end up back together all the time.  For me it has been over three years, and it feels like I am slowly dying.”

Sex is easy.  Love is hard.  Part of the reason I don’t really get into the hook-up culture is that for most women having casual sexual affairs is like shooting fish in a barrel.  It is simply too easy.  If I want no-strings attached sex from a man I can get it, any night of the week.  The sex might be dull, and the partners unexceptional, but if I just want sex, it is never a problem.  Sexual dynamics have never been equal for men and women.  There are some rare men that are so physically beautiful, charming or wealthy that they have a high success rate with the opposite sex but for the vast majority of men, the hook-up game is much more difficult.

But even when getting sex is easy, it doesn’t always work out.  My last hook-up was a total comedy routine.  It should have been fine.  The man aggressively pursued me at a bar.  He was much younger, didn’t live in New York City and once I relented we both had clear cut expectations.  But he also didn’t realize he was allergic to cats…and since I live with two gorgeous felines…it was all over before it really began.  So much for my New York wild single life.  I tried to warn him before we got here…anyway.

Every time I try these scenarios, I am left wanting more.  It feels kind of like eating a cookie when I am really famished for a meal.  The decadent treat might temporarily satisfy but it does nothing for my deeper hunger.  Plus none of us can survive on a diet of just sweets.   As I tried to point out to my friend, his man whore lifestyle is only sustainable for so many years.  An aging millionaire rock star can still get a 25-year-old when he is in his sixties, a wealthy banker might have a trophy wife and a bevy of mistresses on the side.  For most of us, we get old, we don’t look as hot and we don’t have the economic resources to attract as many partners.  Before we know it we are at the age where we might end up permanently alone.  As I told my friend in my usual overly blunt way,

“Look dude do you want to end up with the kind of woman who would date a poor musician who screwed around for most of his life?  Or do you want to be a man and work at a relationship with a woman who you love, and who loves you.  She doesn’t care that you are don’t make a lot of money, she loves you anyway as you are now…don’t be an idiot.”

Fear of being alone shouldn’t be the primary factor in any relationship, but like I pointed out these two actually do have a strong emotional connection.   My friend is just being neurotic that somehow he might be happier if he is chasing every woman in New York City.  He knows it isn’t true, but being self-destructive leaves him torn between what is good for him, and what feels good in the moment.

I have had to condition myself to live without a partner in my life, and it has been extremely difficult for me.  Even before my marriage I was always a serial monogamist.   Casually dating multiple partners feels like another game entirely and one that I am not very good at playing.  I have dreadful dating skills.  I am nervous, insecure, blather on and reveal way too much.  Avoiding discussing my divorce is especially difficult since my marriage was such a huge part of my adult life.  I simply don’t have the skill set, I was just half of a couple for too long.   I can live by myself and be perfectly happy, but I don’t want to live like this forever.

I honestly hope my would be reformed man whore heeds my advice.  From my perspective he is incredibly lucky to have a woman who will keep trying to make something work with him.  Chasing the next best thing could lead him down a dead-end path with no way out.

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How to survive the Holiday Season – For the Newly Divorced

Date: December 17, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Depression, Divorce, Relationships, Uncategorized
Comments: 7 Replies

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This is a topic I have written about extensively in the past, but since I consider myself a divorce advocate I wanted to re-visit it.  The holidays are rough…hang in there guys! 🙂 

I wanted to write this piece because I really think a lot of the “Advice for Divorced People” websites, books and other resources might be written by people who have never actually been divorced.  Some of the post-divorce holiday advice is extremely helpful, and some comes across as overly chipper, insensitive and a bit clueless.

My first Christmas without my husband I felt completely numb.  I had made the mistake of having an intense rebound relationship before I was ready.   That brief affair ended dramatically less than a month before Christmas.   On the big day itself, I sat in my aunt’s house surrounded by my family and felt nothing.  Everyone looked at me as if I was a ghost.  It had only been six months since I found out the truth about my marriage.  Nine years of my life that I thought was the strongest relationship I had ever had, was now a fraud.   I found it especially painful that I was sharing the holiday with relatives who were in my wedding party.  It meant so much for me to have them a part of that day.  I wanted to go up to each one of them and apologize for letting them down.  We were all actors in a play that had gotten re-written midway.  Instead of a happy ending, it closed with a surprise twist and tragic finale. My loss overwhelmed me with a deep sense of shame.  None of my relatives blamed me, but I couldn’t escape the guilt.  Ultimately, I had picked the wrong partner. Little did I know things for me were going to have to get much worse for me before they got better.  I was about to spiral out of control into an episode of life-threatening depression.

That was three years ago, and much has happened in my life since then.  I haven’t really had much romance, but I have healed and moved forward.  My marriage had been the center of my happiness.  I had made myself co-dependent on one person and I paid dearly for that mistake.  Now I have this crazy network of unique, creative and astonishingly wonderful friends to whom I am eternally grateful.  I never want to go back to isolating myself emotionally to one person.  The trauma of my divorce also helped heal wounds I had with my family.  I feel healthier and happier than I have in years.  But there is always the holiday season, when the gray clouds loom and I find myself fighting back the demons in my head.

If you are newly divorced and reading this, I am not going to sugarcoat your obstacles. Divorce is hell.  It can cause a slew of emotional problems and even trigger mental illness.  The catastrophe of divorce can also fuel substance abuse and any number of self-destructive behaviors.   Anyone who has gone through a divorce understands the added loss of friendships and family members.  Some friends you thought were lifelong will drift away post-split. You might also be worried about your children, or blame yourself for failing them.  For many divorced people the biggest hurdle is overcoming the feeling of shame.

Don’t listen to those negative voices.  Marriages fall apart for all sorts of reasons.  Many couples just fall out of love, or learn they can’t live with each other in a healthy environment.  Other marriages are frauds from day one with partners victimized in green card scams, serial cheaters, or deceitful spouses.  You have every right to feel angry and to express pain, but at the end of the day, it is better to focus on repairing the damage and moving forward.  Regardless of who ended the marriage, both partners experience damage.  You can succumb and spiral downward or you can fight back.   Get help if you need it, either through therapy, counseling or medication.  Don’t let depression or substance abuse take over your life.  It will get better. Your fairy tale may have fallen apart, but you will have another chapter.  Even though it might feel like it, your life is not over.

There is no substitute for time.  However bad you feel now, know that it won’t always be like this. The holiday season is just hyped up to make a lot of people a lot of money.  In the long run it is just a short time out of the year and it will be over before you know it.  A better day to celebrate might be seeing a movie with your kids, or a football game with your dad, or just having drinks with your best friend.  Don’t let the build up of holiday parties and family obligations get to you.  As I have said many times on this blog, no one is fortunate all of the time.  We all have our ups and downs, and if you are recently divorced, you are going through a lot.  Just remember, things will get better, and you are not alone.  Much Love.

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Dating Online: The Liar – A Hall of Famer!

Date: December 9, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating After Divorce, Dating Online, Hall of Fame, New York City, Relationships, Uncategorized
Comments: 15 Replies

pants-on-fire

I am launching a new category on this blog: The Hall of Fame.   Anyone I place in the online dating Hall of Fame will be a person who expresses the most extreme traits of an already established archetype.  To protect this man’s identity  for the purposes of this article I will simply call him, “The Pretty Boy”.

It started out innocently enough.  Tired of my inbox filling up with 22-25 year olds trolling for cougars, and geriatric men who lie about their age, I did a quick match search.  My query was simple, men who live in New York City ages 32-47.  After scrolling through dozens of profiles I ended up emailing exactly two men.  One was an extremely attractive man, almost too pretty for my taste.  Most of his photos were professionally done, and he had one shot of himself holding a guitar in front of a large crowd of what looked like several thousand people.  The caption read “I was a rock star…about 10 years ago”

This photo was the first red flag. I questioned why he would put something like that on his profile.  I also wondered if this man might be promiscuous; as the lifestyle of most professional musicians isn’t exactly one of steadfast fidelity.  My roommate looked at his photos and said immediately.

“He is probably gay, he is way too pretty to be straight”

I disagreed as I have met many pretty straight men.  I was more concerned with, “How could a man this good-looking really have much of a problem getting a date, especially if he was a rock star at some point in his life?”

I have come across many extremely attractive people on dating websites.  However this man was model good-looking.  He was gorgeous, and that is rare on dating sites.  I wasn’t really interested as I am really attracted to bookish nerdy guys or artistic types; but, his profile was so over the top I felt compelled to contact him.

I sent him a brief one sentence asking him for a “drink or something”, to which Pretty Boy responded.

“When you said ‘or something’ did you mean sky diving?  Or a book reading? Something a bit more exciting?”

I found his response rather annoying.  Here I was a total stranger sticking my neck out to ask him out and he is scolding me for not being bold enough in my request.  So I responded…

“No actually I meant just coffee.  I would hate to ruin an experience like sky diving with a total stranger, not to mention it is rather expensive.  If we went to a book reading we wouldn’t get a chance to talk much and well…you are a total stranger so it is better to actually get to know you”

And then the first shoe dropped and I get this response.

“Well I would love to meet for coffee but I actually live in Los Angeles but I will be moving to New York soon…so that is why I have New York on my profile.  I will be in town on Dec. 10th if you want to hang.”

I wish I could say this is the first time I found an inaccurate profile, but unfortunately a lot of guys lie about living in New York.  I guess we New York gals have a bit of a reputation for being fabulous.  I have no idea.  I should have just walked away; but, for reasons I don’t understand, I shot back

“Hey man if you live in LA you should say you live in LA.  And if you are moving here soon, maybe you should focus on moving here before you try to date anyone.  If that is what you are looking for, I am not sure.  Anyway good luck to you, New York is a really difficult city to date in.  I wrote an article about it, trust me it is hell.”

And because I thought this would be the end of the conversation I sent him a link to my #1 hit as it were, “Dating After Divorce in a City of Sluts.”  I have no idea why I did this.  I had never done it before.  I guess I meant it as a nice parting gesture.  I was just trying to give him my perspective on dating in this city. I just forgot how opinionated and worked up people got about that article.

About twenty minutes later I get this long rambling response written mostly in text speech with the letter “u” substituting for the word “you” and some of the worst grammar and spelling I have ever seen in my life.  I would have just ignored it but his tone set me off.  The line that pushed me over the edge “I disagree with the very notion of writing about it in the first place.”

Plenty of people disagree with me, and I don’t mind a healthy debate.  However telling me I shouldn’t write about any subject was incredibly disrespectful and insulting.  It was also incredibly difficult to respect his opinion since he couldn’t write in complete sentences, spell simple words or even make his opinions clear.  My writing is not perfect, but his writing was simply abominable.

I will paraphrase as our correspondence got somewhat heated and long-winded.  My first tactic was to  defend my article.

“Look you may not agree with me, but I have every right to write about whatever I want.  This is my personal experience so you may disagree with my point of view, but I wrote it from the heart.  I got hundreds of new followers on twitter, it was shared thousands of times on the internet, and I even did interviews based on the article.  So you may not agree with me but a lot of people did.  I am not bashing men as this is a universal problem.   As I stated in the article: women, men and people of every sexual orientation and gender identification deal with this predicament”

His next response is when things really got weird.  As he took my attempt at defending my piece as me bragging about my accomplishments.  His response was to try to out-brag me…again paraphrasing for length.

“Look I have sold millions of records, I have been on TV, was voted one of the most beautiful people in the world and I have been married for 15 years I am just on a hiatus and I have four children”

Well this is news now isn’t it?  He hadn’t indicated on his profile that he was MARRIED, nor that he had FOUR CHILDREN!  I was floored, and kept reading. He may have not realized the verb tenses he used but the words “have been married for 15 years” implied he is still married.  Also the use of the word “hiatus” made me feel he was not even legally separated much less divorced. He went on,

“And because of all of this, I have had a lot of experience with women…all over the world”

And I started doing the math in my head.  So if he is 38 and married for 15 years, and is probably still married…if he was screwing a bunch of women 10 years ago when he was in a band, then he was cheating on his wife.  Wow, this man was a catch.

“And so what about your article who cares?  I also know I am attractive.  Why?  Because thousands of people have told me so.  Including millions of readers in a certain popular magazine that called me one of the most beautiful people in the world.”

At this point I started cackling.  Yes this man was attractive, but obviously he had put a lot of his self-worth into what he looked like as I had not brought up his physical appearance.  I realized he misunderstood my defense of my article.  I wasn’t actually trying to brag, just point out that yes my piece was controversial but plenty of people loved it.  Now it seemed he was hoping that I would rue the day that I had snubbed him.  After all he was one of America’s Most Beautiful people, a fact he mentioned twice in his rant. If he only knew how many other pompous beautiful men I have turned down over the years.  I finally ended this madness and wrote.

“Well if you are so famous and attractive, then why have you resorted to online dating to try to meet women?”

And then I blocked him from contacting me.  I was kind of insulting myself  and everyone else on dating website when I wrote that.  I didn’t mean to diss everyone on a dating website as plenty of people find love online.  I just thought it was funny that this man who kept bragging about how he was so beautiful, had appeared on television and sold millions of records was trying to find a date on a free dating website.

I WILL NOT reveal this man’s identity on this blog but after a fairly quick google search I found out he had what looked like one big hit and a couple minor hits about a decade ago.  I didn’t recognize him or his musical partner, nor had I ever heard any of their music.  It was bland light pop and I am sure they had a loyal following for a brief time.

I have been on and off OKCupid now for over two years and I have never found a profile that proved to be so blatantly fraudulent.  He had no mention of children, still being married or living in a totally different city.  He tried to defend his actions by saying he was only looking for “friends and activity partners”.  That was the only honest thing he had written, but  I can’t imagine his wife would be overjoyed if she found his profile.  This was the ultimate liar, and from the looks of his ranting a fairly insecure liar.  Perhaps he should try to find some groupies who might still be starstruck.  He will learn soon enough, most New York women won’t give a damn that a popular magazine called him a beautiful person.  If he wants casual sexual encounters he will have no problem getting them, he just shouldn’t pretend he would rather go skydiving instead.  Had he been honest from the start, he would have saved us both a lot of trouble.

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