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Street Harassment: Why “Cat Calls” Suck Big Hairy Balls

Date: November 19, 2013
Author: julietjeske
Categories: New York City, Women and Feminism
Comments: 1 Reply
Hairy balls

Hairy balls (Photo credit: @Doug88888)

I purposefully gave this article a ridiculously provocative title.  I don’t mean any offense, as some people really enjoy doing a lot of things with testicles.   I just wanted to use heated sexual language directed at men to make a point. Gentlemen, imagine hearing a phrase like that yelled at you all day long.

Some men resent women because they think we have it so much easier when it comes to dating.  In some ways we do.  For instance it’s a lot easier for the average women to get no strings attached sex. Of course, a few men have a lot of luck hooking up with multiple partners, but for the most part, women usually have no problem having casual sexual encounters.  The downside is that women are often the victims of forced sexual advances, sexual harassment, rape and sexual violence. For most of us, unwanted sexual attention comes at us all day long.  This is exactly why cat calling sucks big hairy balls.

Now because men and women do have different realities when it comes to street harassment, I don’t know an easy way to put this.  If you are male and are reading this please picture the LEAST sexually attractive person you could imagine coming on to you. If this real or imaginary human were to overtly make some type of advance, your skin would crawl.  The thought of having sex with this individual makes you want to vomit.  It would be so disgusting, you would never want to have sex again.  Really burn that face into your psyche. Now imagine if nearly every time you stepped out of your apartment or home, there they were…ready to make some graphic or illicit sexual remark directed at you.  They might follow you down the street, prevent you from walking, lean in close, physical touch or intimidate you.

That is what many women deal with, every day, all day long, all year round in nearly every conceivable situation.  Has it hit home yet?  Maybe? OK I’ll try to tell it from a woman’s perspective now.

When I’m walking down the street, I’m usually thinking of the next place I have to go, I’m not thinking I about any number of men:

  • Who I know nothing about
  • Who might be drunk, or flying high on drugs
  • Who might be much younger or older than me
  • Who could get violent at any moment or try to assault me
  • Who chances are I have no physical attraction to whatsoever

Believe it or not lovers of cat calls, street harassment is quite intimidating.  In fact, there have been several cases of rape, and even murder have begun with seemingly innocuous cat calling.  So no, I’m not overjoyed when some stranger treats me like a sexual object when I didn’t want the attention.

In my short 40 years on this planet, I’ve had to deal with the following scenarios of street harassment.

I have had men assume I was a prostitute – They would pull their cars over, open their doors and ask “how much?” – this happened several times when I was going to work at a coffee shop in college at 5AM.  I was always wearing khaki pants, a t-shirt or long-sleeved shirt, tennis shoes and carrying a bag.  I usually also had a hat on, so I have no idea why this read as prostitute.

I been groped by strangers – I wish this wasn’t true but it’s happened at clubs, bars or on the subway. The physical touching wasn’t ambiguous. Men would grab my ass when I was a cocktail waitress – every time it happened a security guard threw them out of the club.

I been followed, threatened and stalked – You name the threat I’ve heard it.  From “I’m gonna cut your head off” or “I’m going to smash your brains in” and the usual “I want to fuck you so hard”

I have had total stranger grab me, or block my path – When this happens I totally blow up at the man, which usually leads to one of the “I’m going to smash your brains in” type of comments.  But honestly why should any stranger physically touch or grab someone they don’t know? No one has a right to touch another person or prevent them from walking down the street.

I had men expose themselves and masturbate towards me – This has happened more than once and both times on the subway in Chicago.  I learned after my first experience to completely ignore the man. The second time it happened I refuse to acknowledge anything was going on, and luckily this strategy worked and he got bored and stopped.  Again before this might sound HOT to any men reading picture the someone you who actually sexually repulses you doing this to you!  Not so fun now is it.

It happens every day, all times of the year, all day long, regardless of what I’m wearing, or how I look. Even mild interactions tend to wear me down.  Here is a typical one.

It was 5:30 a.m.  I was walking down the street dressed in a conservative skirt suit while hauling a rolling suitcase behind me.   A sanitation worker blocked my path on the sidewalk and physically prevented me from moving.  He said simply, “Hey baby.”

I don’t look up, and politely walked around him with my suitcase.  As I walked past him he shouts, “Bitch.”

Was I supposed to make myself late to work, and just start talking to guy who chose to say “Hey baby.”  Should I have smiled back only to invite even more attention?  Why can’t I just ignore it?    This type of attention is grating, annoying and seriously starts to make women angry at the men who do it.  We don’t view as complimentary.  It’s harassment plain and simple and sadly no joke.

If none of this has swayed your opinion and you are man who still thinks street harassment is welcome, picture your daughter, niece or a friend’s defenseless young child walking down the street…now imagine grown men making sexually lewd comments to her.  The first time I was sexually harassed and intimidated I was about five years old.  So it really does start when girls are extremely young.  Would you want your daughter, sister or mother to go through it?  Of course you wouldn’t.  So the next time you think of making a kissing noise at a random woman, or shouting at her about her ass, or blocking a female on the street, stop yourself.   Your tactic not only won’t work, but you are probably making that woman’s day that much worse.  If a woman thinks you are cute, she will probably find a reason to talk to you, but when you scream “Hey baby you look so good I want to fuck you”, you’ve just lost any chance that it will happen.

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Anthony Weiner – Sexual Predator, Carlos Danger or Crazed Narcissist?

Date: July 24, 2013
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Addiction, New York City, Politics, Relationships
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Official portrait of United States Congressman...

Official portrait of United States Congressman (D-NY). (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Anthony Weiner, disgraced congressman is like the joke that keeps on giving.  If you don’t already know the details here are the basic facts.  In 2011 Weiner sent sexually explicit photos to several adult women who were not his wife.  At first Weiner denied the allegations, going so far as to say someone hacked his twitter account.  He also made the ridiculous claim that he wasn’t sure if a photo of his erect penis inside a pair of white underwear was his or not.  I think every grown man knows his penis intimately, so well that they could pick out of a large crowd of penises.  When Weiner finally admitted that he did indeed send the photos, he eventually resigned his seat in congress and issued several public apologies.  He even appeared in People magazine with his wife and infant son, with what seemed like a heartfelt admission of guilt and a vow to stop the behavior.

Now, a short two years later Weiner is the front-runner in the New York mayoral race.  A new woman has emerged with a series of sexually explicit sex messages and a story of a virtual affair that happened in the summer of 2012.  The story almost seems like a parody with Weiner using the alias, Carlos Danger in his correspondence. He even sent her yet another photograph of his penis.  The man must truly think his genitals are something special!  I’m sure his penis has its own moniker but we aren’t privy to that information yet!  The woman involved has remained anonymous and claims she was not compensated for her story.  We have no way of knowing if she is telling the truth, we only have the text messages which are quite hilarious and graphic in nature.

What really stuck me as completely crazy was the way the site The Dirty is handling this story.  The headline by Nik Richie reads “Anthony Weiner is a Sexual Predator Luring his Victims”   Richie makes the following quote.

My source is solid. She really thought Anthony Weiner and her were in love, they spoke on the phone daily multiple times a day for 6 months. Anthony Weiner played with her emotions and mind. Most calls were phone sex. He promised her many things including a condo in Chicago (1235 S. Prairie Ave) where they were planning to meet up to have sex. Anthony Weiner has a shoe fetish, particularly heels.

Calling Weiner a sexual predator is a farce.  It actually trivializes real sexual assault, intimidation and harassment.  The woman in question is 22 years old.  She is an adult and although she is incredibly naive she is not a child.  Weiner was not her employer or teacher and had no direct control over her life.  It wasn’t as if her job or grades depended on her playing ball with his advances.  She also knew he was a married man with a then pregnant wife.  It is hard for me to view a woman who knowingly engages in this type of behavior with a married man as a victim.  The whole thing reminds me of the Tiger Woods scandal when one of his mistresses held a tear filled press conference along the lines of “I thought I was his only mistress”  I guess the sobbing woman just conveniently forgot about his wife.

At 22 years old, Weiner’s virtual mistress is probably a college graduate. Most likely she has dealt with more than one lecherous college professor, a creepy employer or faced some type of sexual intimidation.  I’m sure she had a strong crush on Weiner and found the attention he gave her exciting.   From the texts I have read there is certainly a lot of sex talk but not a lot of fondness.  We don’t know what they said over the phone and more information could come out, but I think this young woman mistook lust and sex for love.   I wish I could have a cup of coffee with her and share some of my dating horror stories or the many I have heard from readers of this blog.  She is not a victim, just a foolish woman who made a few stupid choices.  Since she is anonymous, her life will go on and she might even face much worse men in her future.  The real victim here is Weiner’s wife and young son.

Weiner’s wife will have to live this down, and his son is not only going to have to grow up with an incredibly unfortunate surname but also be subjected to teasing about his father’s behavior.   His wife will also have to question every single word that comes out of her husband’s mouth.  I also lived in denial for years in my marriage and if I could go back in time I would grab myself by both shoulders and yell – GET OUT NOW!

Again the story almost reads like a joke.  A man named Weiner, showing his weiner to the world under the name of Carlos Danger – AFTER he lost his job, damaged his career and publicly humiliated his family – engaging in the exact same behavior.  You honestly couldn’t make it up.  Will the people of New York elect him as mayor?  Who knows?  If he wins the jokes will continue and I suspect the scandals will as well. If he got caught once and kept doing it – I kind of doubt this will be the last time we hear from Carlos Danger and his mighty, mighty penis.

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Our broken Health Care system – My story

Date: June 28, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Politics, Scam, Uncategorized
Comments: 1 Reply

Front entrance of the old Cook County Hospital.

Front entrance of the old Cook County Hospital. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I graduated college at the age of 23.  I was living in Chicago Illinois and working as a stage actress.  My pay was low and my job did not provide health insurance, although it was a professional union theater.  I also had any number of part-time jobs but none of them provided me with health insurance.  Yet I was paying all my bills on time, and completely supporting myself.

My mother took me off of my father’s COBRA plan once I graduated from college.  She thought I could purchase an individual plan with no major problem.  She was wrong.  I applied for Blue Cross Blue Shield for a standard individual plan.  The costs were extremely high even back in 1996.  I was also being charged about double since I was a woman, I thought this was a bit absurd but it was explained to me that since women might need maternity I was paying in for myself and for all women.  A slightly twisted concept I thought since women can only get pregnant with the help of a man yet only women have to pay extra for other women.

I filled out the paperwork and waited, and waited and waited.   Finally after about six-weeks the insurer informed me that I had too many medical problems and they wouldn’t cover me.  I was 23 years old with no chronic conditions.  My asthma wasn’t even diagnosed until years later.  When I demanded to know specifically why I wasn’t covered they said it was because I hadn’t had enough healthy pap smears in a row, and because of a cervical  biopsy I had at the age of 22, I was deemed high risk.  Even though the biopsy showed no signs of disease and I didn’t even have an STD.  My exam was free and clear.  The biopsy was given to me because my pap smear was slightly off due to being on the tail end of my period.

I had only had two pap smears up until that point, which is perfectly normal for a college-aged woman.   Blue Cross said that I need five healthy pap smears in a row before they would consider insuring me.  A woman typically gets a pap smear a year, so what they were really telling me is that I had to wait five years.

I tried to apply for coverage with other insurers, I even went to an insurance broker who sat me down and told me what the real problem was, no other insurer would cover me at any amount.   My paperwork would get “lost”, phone calls were left on voice mails never answered, I would spend over an hour on hold, mail would be returned to me.  The broker told me that I was basically being blacklisted by Blue Cross Blue Shield, and yes he used those very words.  Blacklisted.  Somehow the fact that Blue Cross Blue Shield was denying me was showing up in my medical records and no other insurer would touch me due to the size of Blue Cross.  If an insurer that large wouldn’t cover me, it just made me look extremely high risk.

So we devised a plan.  I was able to get emergency only coverage for six months, that could be renewed but only for two years total.  So I couldn’t use it to go to the doctor, but if I got hit by a bus I could go to the hospital.  The coverage was lousy but better than nothing.   I also decided to get those five healthy pap smears and send them to Blue Shield, but my plan was to do it in half the time.  So every six months I went to Planned Parenthood and explained my problem.  The nurse practitioners sympathized with me and obliged me, even though they thought it was ridiculous.  So after getting and paying for five healthy pap smears in about 2 1/2 years I applied again, and was denied again.  The insurer cited health concerns again, but they wouldn’t give me a specific reason.

Meanwhile during this time I got sick, nothing major but I ended up at Cook County hospital twice.  Cook County was a no frills, bare bones public facility that could turn down no one.  The first time I went to Cook County I waited eight hours to see a doctor, and then got a free prescription, only waiting an hour to get the prescription.  The second time I went it was only a five-hour ordeal.   While waiting to see the doctor I sat in a waiting room of wooden benches along with the poorest of the poor and homeless people.  It was a rattling experience to say the least.  When I applied for the health insurance program through the state of Illinois I didn’t qualify.  Since I did not extend my COBRA coverage I was ineligible.  The cost of extending my father’s COBRA coverage was astronomical once I left college, but according to Illinois state in order to be eligible for their plan I had to extend my COBRA for as long as possible.  Of course I had no way of knowing any of this when my mother opted to stop covering me at the age of 23.

Finally my luck changed a bit and I ended up with a full-time job, at all places the American Medical Association.  When I was filling out my employment paperwork I noticed their health care plan was through Blue Cross Blue Shield.  I panicked, I thought surely they would deny me coverage.  The woman in HR told me that no one had ever been denied coverage.  Of course, they had employees with major chronic health problems, or children with chronic health problems, but in a large group plan it was efficient to cover everyone.   My application went through and I suddenly had insurance.  I went back and asked my friend the insurance broker what exactly had happened.

He explained it like this.   An insurer will most likely lose money on an individual plan.  They have to do the paperwork and claims for one person, a person who is paying their premiums themselves and is probably going to squabble over every charge.  The same person is probably going to use the insurance more often that they are paying a few hundred dollars a month for it.  Whereas a person in a group plan won’t fight over every bill and is more likely to use their coverage less often.   Group plans were just much more efficient and cost-effective both for the insurers and the employers.  That is why the cost of individual plans are so high and why insurers usually don’t want to deal with individual plans.

So given my experience, I can’t really get enthusiastic about a “market based” solution to health care.  In my case the market completely let me down.  I couldn’t get health insurance at any cost.   So my Libertarian friends can rant and send me links to websites denouncing reform, and my Republican friends can call Obamacare socialism and tell me to read this book or that email, but my personal experience is going to trump all of it.  I was a perfectly healthy 23-year-old female with no cancer in my background, no chronic medical conditions and no history of lapsed coverage for more than a few months, yet I couldn’t get coverage.  If an insurance company can deny a healthy 23-year-old, than just about anyone could be denied coverage.

And now that I live in New York state with its much tougher patient protections I don’t want to buy health insurance from a state with less.  New York state is one of the few that a patient cannot be denied coverage for medical reasons.  Some people actually move to New York state after being denied coverage in other states.  I don’t think Affordable Care Act is perfect as it still puts too much power in the hands of health insurance companies and we still have no single payer public option.  But at least now a person who has survived cancer or is born with some type of genetic problem is able to get health insurance.    And a perfectly healthy 23-year-old would be able to buy a plan on their own.  My personal experience has shaped how I view the health insurance fiasco in this country more than any political rant or speech ever could.  I am lucky in that I didn’t get anything serious in those years I went without coverage.   And if I had, I would have ended up in the emergency room with bills that were never paid and probably ended up on Medicaid which would cost everyone that much more.

If you don’t believe my story, then sit down and talk to some of your friends, especially anyone with chronic medical conditions, small business owners or the self-employed.  You are likely to hear similar stories of denied coverage, frustrations over claims, skyrocketing premiums and financial ruin.  I have heard stories much worse than my own with some blaming health insurance companies for the premature death of family members.  After all putting a profit motive into denying coverage can have deadly consequences.  Hopefully we will figure this mess out soon enough, I know I never want to end up without any options again.

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Divorce: My ex-husband the Clown

Date: November 29, 2011
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Clowns, Divorce, Gay Husband, New York City, Relationships, Straight Spouse, Uncategorized
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Joel Jeske

Joel Jeske (Photo credit: Prehensile Eye)

I remember telling my parents when I first met the man who is now my ex-husband.  I started with the positives– he was college educated, worked with the touring company of Chicago’s acclaimed Second City, studied with the Cambridge Footlights in England and had toured the world a few times over as a performer.   Then I finally let the cat out of the bag so to speak and said.

“He is a clown”

My parents were oddly accepting, I think they had grandchild in mind and half-clown grandchildren were better than no grandchildren.

As far as clowns go, my ex was quite accomplished.  He has been nominated for two Drama Desk awards, performed with every major circus in the country and has also performed extensively in Europe and Asia.   I always say

“He is kind of a big deal…if you are a clown”

But being married to a clown, even a semi-famous one is not a barrel of fun.  For starters there were the other clowns, many of which were extremely snobby.  The pecking order went something like this

  • Theater Clowns – Well trained, college degrees or higher, performances not always comical, sometimes only entertaining to other clowns.  Considered the most artistic.
  • Circus Clowns – Some join the circus straight out of high school, have skills such as juggling, stilts, acrobatics, etc, always funny, have a reputation for being rough around the edges
  • Birthday Party Clowns – Derided by Theater and Circus clowns, yet some birthday party clowns make more money than any other type of clown
  • Hobby Clowns – Amateurs who dream of one day becoming circus clowns, a few even follow circuses around like groupies.
  • Gospel Clowns – Clowns who view clowning as a “calling” rather than a job, use clowning to proselytize.  Many don’t believe in getting paid.
  • Rodeo Clowns – Work with animals rather than people:  in a category all their own.

To the rest of the population, a clown is a clown.  So a highly skilled theatrical clown like my ex is the same as a hobby clown named Sparkles–A man wearing a rainbow wig, scary make up, a dirty costume, and plastic shoes who twists balloon animals in the park for tips.

As a result of this common misconception about clowns, the clown world is full of rules and standards.  In order to be a “real” clown one had to study with Lecoq in France or Commedia dell’arte.  Clown college, which was run by Ringling Bros., was shut down in 1997, so any circus clown that came after that time was viewed as having lesser training.

So imagine marrying a highly regarded member of the red nose mafia.  They weren’t exactly the most welcoming group, and what made my situation worse was when my ex decided that I should become his partner-in-crime.  I thought that working as a clown might be better than as a mostly out-of-work actress, so I took the plunge and attended a brief clown school in Manhattan.  I liked the training, but found some of it to be completely inane.  In one class we were told to shout obscenities and throw tennis balls at each other, it was beyond useless.

My ex and I made great clown partners, but for years no matter how many gigs I booked, and no matter how many huge audiences I entertained, I never felt completely accepted.  I often felt treated like the Yoko Ono of clowning.  I was even accused of influencing my husband to not work with certain people or to only work with me.  It was all nonsense.  I never had any aspirations of running away with the circus or becoming a famous clown.  By joining my spouse in his passion,  I was trying to make my marriage stronger, as this art form was so important to him.  But I made a mistake many spouses make and put his dreams before my own.  By subjugating my own desires and needs for his, I was making our lives too interdependent.  His happiness became more important than my own and I would ultimately pay the price for this.   When the marriage fell apart, I not only lost my partner but my ability to earn an income.

Most of the clowns cut me off immediately.  I went from working all the time to nothing.   I tried to get traditional employment but in this competitive job market I had no luck.  I have joked that being a clown for nine years is the same as working in the sex industry, it is the stain that won’t wash off.   And thanks to the internet I can’t hide my past, so I stopped trying to go straight and went back to clowning.  I had to build up my own clients and relationships with new entertainment agents but I am slowly pulling myself up.

Now that it is all over, I am the one with the strange occupation trying to explain to people how I got myself into this line of work.  It is never easy to say to new people, especially potential dates

“I am a clown, my ex-husband got me into it”

A shocked expression usually flashes over their faces, as if I am about to start some type of joke.  Sadly I am not.

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