I should really call this more adventures in NOT online dating because I am online, but I am not really going on any dates.  Why?  Well most of the guys that email me have what I would call not so desirable profiles, live way to far away or are way out of my age range .  Then the men that I send quick “Hey I would love to go for coffee” emails don’t email me back.  Most men and women go through the “email blow off”, I have learned to let it roll right off of me, as it is just part of the game.  But I just had a few men email me in a row that had such crazy profiles I felt the need to share them with my regular readers.

The Liar – A man or woman who is clearly making stuff up out of whole cloth and sticking on their profile, although sometimes reading these profiles are highly amusing.

• No photos
• Photos where you can only see body parts or slivers of their face
• Wearing sunglasses in every single photo
• Their occupations or history seem fantastical
• Their profile it is essentially blank

To be more accurate there are two kinds of liars on-line.  The ones who lie by omission in that they tell you nothing (probably married) or the who create fantasy profiles.  I am going to focus on one of the craziest profiles I found the other day.  This guy was so out-there that I was actually laughing out loud when I read it.

I will change some specifics to protect the man’s identity but he was average looking and claimed to be 30 years old and 5’9″ in height.  He also had photos that looked like professional acting headshots.  The problem was that the headshots appeared about 15-20 years old.  His hair, clothing and the style the photos screamed early 1990’s.  He also had one heavily photo-shopped image of himself dressed as a pilot with no explanation given other than “I am a patriot”. But here I will just breakdown his other ridiculous claims on his profile

Worked as a professional actor for 16 years having done multiple shows and films – OK, so he was some type of child actor since he would have had to start acting at age 14 if that were true or even younger if you believe what he later claims is his current profession.

Worked as a professional model having done several major magazines – Again as a person who knows a thing or two about the modeling industry that is complete horse shit.  He “might” be able to model at 5’9″ if he had an absolutely perfect ripped muscular body, and then he would do underwear or possibly commercial print.  But here is the thing the minimum height for a male model is 5’11”.   Not to mention the guy was hardly good-looking, and he was slightly stocky.  And his terminology was way off, a model wouldn’t say they have done major magazines unless they have done the cover…and how often do you see male models on the cover of magazines?  They are usually on mens magazines and look a lot like the fitness type model I described earlier.  In fact nowadays most magazine covers feature actors and athletes, not models.  If had really booked work modeling he would say ad campaigns, catalog, print work or runway.  He obviously inventing all of it!

I currently work as a Federal law enforcement agent….I wish I was kidding…but no, according to him being a major model and actor for 16 years somehow qualified him to work in federal law enforcement.  I am not sure how you get that lucky break?  Getting a job in federal law enforcement isn’t exactly easy, and there is some training involved that would take time.  So when did he quit modeling/acting?  And wouldn’t it be a huge pay cut?  I mean if he was so successful as an actor/model why quit?  And what is he anyway a SPY?  How daring and bold.

Trained in martial arts for over 25 years…OK so he may have started at age 5 but that seems a little far-fetched given the rest of his profile.

Professional Reflexologist – Which is a person who massages and applies pressure to feet….and then he added that he had a foot fetish.  OK, OK, OK…..gross that he mentioned the fetish ON HIS PROFILE but come on dude, if you really get sexually aroused by women’s feet, then wouldn’t it be sort of impossible to do that for a living?  I mean if it is an actual profession for you, in addition to federal law enforcement and modeling blah, blah, blah…wouldn’t getting an erection all day long make your job kind of difficult.  And again, that would take some training…and how could it fit it in with all the martial arts, modeling, acting and federal law enforcement he is doing!?!  And all at the tender age of 30?  AMAZING!

I am betting this dude lives with his mother and wouldn’t even follow through on a date…and I don’t think it was a joke profile because the email he sent me was very long and equally ridiculous, plus it was on a paid site.   I can’t imagine anyone would spend money for that kind of humor when there are so many free sites out there.   I did send a response as I blocked him basically telling him his entire profile looked like a farce and he might want to try telling the truth if he wants to get a date.

If nothing else these sites are comedy gold.  I just wish they were dating gold!  HA!!!

Related articles

• The upside of online dating: There’s always a funny story to tell (fox4kc.com)
• Timeline: A history of online dating (metronews.ca)
• How the internet has changed dating (stuff.co.nz)
• Shattering Five Myths About Online Dating (madamenoire.com)
• The upside of online dating: There’s always a funny story to tell (cnn.com)
• Adventures in online dating (wyff4.com)

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