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Dating Online: The Coward

Date: February 18, 2013
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating After Divorce, Dating Online, Relationships, Social Media, Uncategorized
Comments: 23 Replies
The Cowardly Lion as pictured in The Wonderful...

The Cowardly Lion as pictured in The Wonderful Wizard of Oz by L. Frank Baum (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This particular problem is not relegated to any gender, sexual orientation or age group.  Cowards  in the dating world are sadly universal.  I would bet that even prehistoric men and women scratched their heads over this dating archetype.   What is a coward?

A person who asks someone out on a date, only to then:

  • Cancel last-minute
  • Stand-up a date
  • Constantly reschedule
  • Make themselves consistently unavailable
  • Claim they never made the date in the first place – Act as if it was somehow a misunderstanding

I want to emphasize the distinction here, a coward is the person who sets up the date in the first place, and then blows it off. That is a huge difference, because plenty of people might bail on a date for any number of reasons.  Life is complicated, misunderstandings are common and people really might need to cancel.  They may also not be that interested and bailing on a date is a passive aggressive way of saying as much.  However if a man or woman asks someone out on a date, the need to do everything in their power to follow through.  A coward sends the mixed signal of

I want to go out with you, only I DON’T actually want to go out with you.

I hear these stories all the time from both men and women.  It has happened to me more times than I can count, and I will admit that one gentlemen strung me along like this for months.  I didn’t quite have my post-divorce self-confidence back yet so for reasons I still don’t quite understand, I put up with it.

Over half the men that ask me out on online dating sites do this.  The scenario goes something like this:

  1. They send the first email asking me to go out.
  2. I respond saying I would love to go out with them.
  3. Then they either cancel at the last second, blow me off completely, or never get around to actually planning anything.

I used to give these types the benefit of the doubt, but now I don’t.  If they can’t get it together for one date, they probably aren’t going to get it together for much more.   I used to think it was due to my blog, so I stopped using my name in any correspondence online.  Multiple friends of both genders have said this exact scenario plays out with them repeatedly.  Why do people do this?  I am not sure why but it might be

  • Fear of Failure – They are worried they will be ultimately rejected so they avoid the date, thereby avoiding rejection.
  • Fear of Success – If your date does actually go well, then they might have to deal with some type of dating situation this freaks them out, so they self-sabotage.
  • Intimacy Issues – They would rather have some type of fantasy of you than actually deal with another human being.
  • Seeing someone else – It is all a game to them, you are merely a pawn for their ego.
  • Ego Boost – They asked a person out just to see if they would say yes, never intending to go out with them.
  • Living in a Virtual Reality – A person becomes so accustomed to relationships online social networking etc, that a real one is just too much for them to handle.

Faking out dates is almost rampant behavior nowadays.   It seems completely irrational as asking a person out on a date is a bold move, and makes a person quite vulnerable.  It is such a problem with online dating, I could almost bet half the guys who end up in my inbox will never follow through with an actual date.

Actions really do speak louder than words.  If a person is not making you a priority in their life, then they are letting you know that you are not really that important to them.  Asking you out, only to then flake is rude, inconsiderate and downright baffling behavior.  If someone really wants to see you, they will move heaven and earth to make that happen.  Don’t waste your time on a coward.

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Dating After Divorce: He’s Just Not that into You…no really he is just not that into you.

Date: September 20, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating - NYC, Gay Husband, New York City, Relationships, Straight Spouse, Uncategorized
Comments: 7 Replies
Cover of "He's Just Not That Into You: Th...

Cover via Amazon

After I left my marriage emotionally scarred and damaged, I have discovered that I am the world’s worst dater.  No really…I am the world’s worst dater.  I am terrible at it.  I talk too much, reveal too much, ramble on and on…and I think I come across as a neurotic idiot.  No, make that a desperate neurotic idiot.  If I am not into a guy I get bored and can’t really hide it, I stop asking him questions and just blather on about any nonsense.  Somehow my brain tells me if I just keep going then maybe something will click, when instead I should just make up an excuse and get out of the situation.  If a man is rude or insulting to me, I don’t think to just get up and leave, even though there were many times when I should have done just that.  And on those rare occasions someone sparks my interest, all I can think of is

“Please like me…please don’t think I am a weirdo…please don’t run away”

And call me crazy, but I think my inner monologue might be projecting…because so far the ones I seem to fancy…run away.

In my never-ending search for dating advice I turn to self-help books.  Books have always been my go-to when I need information about anything.  I own a couple hundred books on various subjects and have an entire shelf dedicated to the subject of “DATING”

One best-selling tome promotes a simple premise “He’s Just Not that Into You” by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo.  From what I know of the back story, a male comedian and writer came up with the premise for an episode of “Sex in the City“.  The episode was so popular that the concept transformed into a book and then a movie.  Millions in sales later it remains as a classic for women to turn to when we get so damn confused by men.

The wisdom contained in the book is simple

  • Men really aren’t that complicated
  • If a man wants you, he will stop at nothing to get you.
  • Don’t chase a man, or pursue them
  • Don’t waste the pretty if a man is treating you badly don’t put up with it.
  • If a man doesn’t want to commit, cut him off, don’t look back
  • There are quality men out there, but it may take a while to find one.

All of this is great advice and will help any woman to stop obsessing about every little move a man makes.  It also helps women to stop giving inconsiderate men second and third chances.

This is all great medicine, but like any medicine it comes with some side effects.  For instance, I have desperately tried to live by its ideals but I rarely go on second or third dates…I am starting to believe that “No one will ever be into you”  I have had to deal with…

  • Men I barely know try to booty call me even though I gave them no indication that I would be game for that
  • Ignored text messages, emails and phone calls
  • I have sent invites to my shows – only to have them ignored
  • Dated men that rarely if ever gave me a compliment
  • Been blown off completely – countless times
  • One man decided an ex-girlfriend was more important to follow on twitter than I was, even though he was emailing me every day…for months.

So when I apply the “He’s just not that into you” philosophy it leads me to the conclusion

  • There is something wrong with me
  • Who marries a gay clown? – A freak does
  • I repel men
  • I am a total weirdo and no one wants to stick around
  • I am a liability or an emotional wreck
  • They saw your blog, videos or stand-up and have decided your are not dating material

These are irrational fears that swirl about in my head, completely untrue but persistent nonetheless.  The more I seem to stick my neck out in the dating pool of sharks, the more I seem to get bitten.  I have honestly given up trying to figure this out, and I think I am finally done with online dating.  We are after all commodities on any dating site, and any potential suitor might think they can always find a shinier less damaged version out there.  I have had friends find the loves of their lives on online dating websites but whatever reason most of my dates end in tears.  If not immediately afterward I usually end up crying days later when I realize I am not going to hear from the guy.  Either I walk away somewhat disgusted or discouraged by the men that I meet or become crushed when I thought there was a connection and then I never hear from the guy again.  I have met some lovely men who were nice but I didn’t have any chemistry with or felt were more compatible as friends, but then that happens to everyone now doesn’t it.

I think I am going to throw the books away, get off the dating sites and hope that the universe releases me from this undeserved penance.  In a fit of self-protection I can feel a thick emotional callous forming around my heart and I don’t like it.

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Dating After Divorce: If my Online dating profile was Realistic

Date: April 23, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Divorce, Gay Husband, Straight Spouse, Uncategorized
Comments: 5 Replies

If my online dating profile was my inner monologue it would go something like this.

Divorced.  I am putting that first because some of you guys can’t handle it.  So there it is.  DIVORCED.  But hey at least I tried marriage, you are 40? 42? and never married?  So what’s up with that?  Maybe you moved around a lot, maybe you got out of something long-term but otherwise…seriously what’s up with that? And I ask because once you find out my story you will judge me, and oh yes you will…so here we go.

My husband was gay.  No really gay.  Yes we had sex, I am not an idiot.  But the sexual relationship became dysfunctional, and to be quite frank it happens in a lot of marriages.  A quick google search of “sexless marriages” will yield plenty.  And no, he didn’t act gay.  No one thought he was gay.  He wore beat-up clothing with stains on it, and cared very little about his physical appearance for the most part.  He was ripped though.  Should I have known from his buff physique and extensive work-out routines he was really on the down-low?

You might think that since I was married to a gay man that I don’t like sex or that I am asexual.  Oh what I won’t tell you, but that is hardly the case.  I am a one-man type of woman in that I like having one partner at at time, and I like to get to know my partners before having sex with them, which is hardly uncommon, especially for women.   I am not frigid or asexual, in fact I had plenty of perfectly normal relationships before I got married.  I was miserable living that way and I never want to go back.

But enough about him…but you will ask about him, because you will probably find my blog.  And then after you do you will freak out.  Look I am not going to write about you.  I dare you to find another person’s name on my blog other than my own….you won’t. I feel like I have to tell you about the blog, after you find out my name, thanks to powers of a google search.

I was a good wife.  Loyal and ridiculously faithful.   I bent over backwards to make my husband’s life as easy, and I was extremely supportive of his career.  Sacrificed my own career ambitions for him and in the process kind of painted myself into a corner.  This is my fault and I take responsibility for it, but I thought that is what a spouse is supposed to do.  I won’t do it again. Not sure if I would ever marry again…the divorce was so horrible.  Haven’t really dated much so the idea of re-marrying seems really crazy…anyway.

I hope you aren’t one of the many socially awkward types that I seem to go out with.  I don’t know why but it seems that most of the men I have been on dates with have difficulty having a normal conversation, so I am forced to blather on and reveal way too much.  Or they sometimes try to impress me with tales from their youth in which they did hardcore drugs.  Well drugs aren’t an accomplishment so much as a bad habit, so the drug stories don’t impress me.  Anyway, I am a bit awkward myself.  Please don’t be intimidated by the fact that I go onstage with a microphone, or the fact that I liberally use the “f-word” both on stage and in my every day life.  Don’t freak out that I wear a pink wig, don a huge pink polyester dress covered in applique and pay a crazed children’s performer for adults named Princess Sunshine.  Don’t lose it when you hear my song “Man Whore” or “Younger Piece of Ass”.  And everyone knows the accordion is the sexiest musical instrument, second only to the ukulele. I play both, how lucky are you!?!

Look I am fortunate in the genes department and I look 10 years younger than my actual age, I am naturally ripped and slender.  If you are into women with huge breasts and a sensuous curves, you will want to keep looking as that is not me.  But if you like an athletic build…I might be your girl.  And yes I am a vegetarian and I don’t drink alcohol often but that doesn’t mean I am an uptight shrew.  I used to cook meat for my ex-husband all the time.  I am so not uptight that I go out all the time to see my friends take off their clothing for fun.  That’s right…burlesque…I perform in that too…but as an emcee, not a dancer.  Not that there is anything wrong with being a burlesque dancer.  Sorry if that freaks you out, it probably does.  What can I say?  I am a total weirdo.

And to those of you who want babies and are worried I am 39 years old.  Well my grandmother had her last at age 42 and my aunts all had lots of healthy children.  No one in my family has had even the slightest problem with fertility.  And to the men who have kids and don’t want more…well I would have to meet yours and we could figure this out.  Kids love me.  Just don’t tell them about the “f*ck” part of my vocabulary or that I play whacked out characters all over New York.

And I am writing a book!  With a literary agent and everything…no deal yet…it is about being married to that gay clown…oh that’s right he was a clown too.  And I am sometimes a clown, trying to get out of it….but it is honestly how I make a portion of my income.  I dress up in a huge red skirt and go by the name Lulu.  Have you freaked out yet?  You probably have stopped reading at this point, or your just doing it out of curiosity.  I am a regular walking freakshow.  I have actually worked at the Freakshow, a few times…mainly as an emcee or comedian…down at Coney Island.

So if you aren’t a socially awkward man, and you don’t mind that I am a starving artist, and I don’t have a normal job.  Or that I was married to a gay man…and that I am out late when I am performing shows and all of that…we could be the perfect match. 🙂

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Online Dating: Advice for Men – How to Pick a Good Photos for Your Profile

Date: March 8, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating - NYC, Dating Online, New York City, Relationships, Uncategorized
Comments: 4 Replies

I am writing this because I just keep seeing the same thing over and over and it is making me crazy. I know most dating websites have general tips and tricks on picking the best profile photos.  I am not sure who is reading the advice given because I just checked my Match.com profile and in one day saw so many great examples of what NOT to do…I felt compelled…the blog must come out.

The absolute first thing you should do before publishing your profile or emailing anyone is: Have a trusted female friend look over your photos, your essay and everything else.  I cannot stress this enough.  Your mother doesn’t count.  You need a woman close to your age who knows you, and has your best interest at heart.  An ex-girlfriend is perfect, as long as you are on good terms.

Here are a few bad photo trends that I see repeatedly:

#1 – Bathroom Mirror Self-portrait – If you are really going to the full cliché then take every photo of yourself without a shirt.  Just make sure we can see the cell phone in the photo, and make it clear that you are in your bathroom.  Some men have nothing but shot after shot of themselves flexing in the mirror.  If you want to look like a Jersey Shore type of douche bag – this is the perfect way to make that happen.

#2 – A photos of yourself with an ex-girlfriend with the woman’s face blacked out –  When there is a big black box over the face of a former lover it speaks volumes. It says a lot about what you think of that person, and what it is saying is not very nice.  The same goes for the artful crop, that is we can tell that you have carefully cropped out a former girlfriend.  It’s fine on one photo but not so cool if all of your photos are like this.

3. Every photo is a group photo. – You would think this one would be obvious.  It says something about you if every single photo is a group photo…and what it is saying is that yes, you have friends..BUT you are hiding something…not good.

4. All of your photos are taken from a far distance. – I don’t get the landscape photos, or photos from vacation that include no humans whatsoever.  A photo of a nice sunset is lovely, but it says very little about what you look like.  When I see this, I just assume the man is married, or hideous.  It seems shady.  Don’t do it.

5. Really old photos – Some guys take this to the extreme, I have seen photos from the 1970’s complete with the yellowed sepia film and obvious hair and wardrobe choices that are clearly not from this decade.  It’s great if you had a wonderful bushy stash in the year in which I was born….but I would like to see what you look like now.

6. Nudity – The only exception to this rule is if you are looking for hook-ups or casual sex and you are making that very clear on the rest of your profile.  Then by all means…show the goods.  But there are sites for that sort of thing.  Generally speaking on most dating sites, nudity will get you kicked off and your photos will be taken down.  It is also probably not going to work as well as you think it is.  Women like a nice looking male body, but you run the risk of repulsing a lot of women.  It’s kind of like going up to a stranger and flashing them.  If you are at a swingers club, this behavior could be extremely welcome.  But if you are just standing on the street – women are libel to just run away from you.  Most women just aren’t wired in quite the same way as the average male. Also your body might not be as smoking hot as you think it is.  When in doubt – show a female friend and she what she thinks.

7. Scuba Gear – I have seen so many profiles in which the majority of photos are a man in scuba gear.  Not one photo, but every photo.  To me that says the man is either married, not confident in what he looks like, or embarrassed by being on an online dating site.   Well get over it and show your face!  Scuba gear gets its own category because it is nearly an epidemic online.  I have no explanation for it, but it drives me crazy!

8. Sports – Sure some women love sports maybe even more than you do, but if every single photo of yourself on your profile is one of you playing a sport, it might be a turn-off for some.  It’s not the worst thing you can do and it does say to any potential date…”I love sports!”  But you might want to throw in a straight shot of yourself just hanging out, instead of having every single shot in tiny running shorts covered in sweat.

9. Ironic boa, dress, women’s clothing – WHY? WHY? WHY do I keep finding these?  It’s just confusing unless cross dressing is your thing.   In one man’s profile,  half of his photos were in full drag, while the other half were in mens clothing.   He was open about being a cross dresser and I had to give him kudos for that.  Sure, he will turn off most women, but for the women who are actually seeking a cross-dresser the profile will be a magnet for them.  I all for honesty!  If you are cross dressing as an ironic joke, women who don’t know you may not get your sense of humor.

10. All Body shots, none of the face – This one just makes me think – married man. I’ve actually found numerous profiles like this where the man explains he is married and cheating on his wife.  One even said he was specifically not in an open marriage, nor was he polyamorous – he was just looking to cheat.  If you aren’t married, then why not show your face?  Nearly everyone tries online dating at some point.  There is no shame in looking for love online, and I have actually encountered a few men online with fairly high profile jobs.  Don’t hide.  If you want to look suspicious having no face shots is an easy way to do it.

11. Pay attention to your backdrop and details – I’ve seen many photos with men still wearing their wedding rings.  They could be old photos, but they are definitely sending a mixed message.  The married man who boasted about cheating on his wife had a baby fence behind him in one of his shots.  Sure it could have been for a dog, but it looked absolutely dreadful.

12. Only one shot – You can’t be bothered. And it increases the likelihood that you won’t look like this one photo.  I have found a good rule of thumb is 5-6 but it never bothers me when a man has 20, as long as 10 of them aren’t landscape shots.

I know men read this blog, because I can tell when they search for it.  Hopefully some of them might re-think their online profile photos after they read this, but maybe not.  I want everyone to find the love of their life out there, so put your best face forward…and please show your freaking face!

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