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Life After Divorce: Just Keep it Simple?

Date: April 6, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating - NYC, Divorce, New York City, Relationships, Straight Spouse
Comments: 2 Replies
I Want a Divorce

I Want a Divorce (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I am adding the following disclaimer to all of my dating related blog posts.  I change details, and create composite characters when I write about dating archetypes such as “Mr. Houdini, Mr. Angry, etc.  I would hate it if someone wrote about a high energy blonde comedian negatively in a blog, so because of that I never include a person’s occupation or anything about their physical description.  I also change enough details that I doubt anyone I am referring to would even recognize themselves if they read one of my articles.   I have split one person into three, or taken several people and put them all into one example.  So simply put, I am very ethical on this blog.

Online dating profiles are a window into a person‘s soul.  Most profiles don’t really tell you that much about a person, but the usually tell you enough to know when to send an email and when to keep moving.  One such profile popped up as a match on my OKCupid.com profile.  The man was generally attractive, age appropriate and seemed obsessed with cycling.  But he also had one overwhelming theme that was repeated throughout and that was

“When it comes to life, I believe in keeping it simple”

He said this around four times, including in the

“You should message me if….you believe in keeping it simple when living life”.

I hate to say it, but that was the final straw for me and I decided not to message him.  Sure we can all keep things simple in that we try to hang out with people who love and support us and avoid self-destructive behavior but if my divorce has taught me anything it is life is hardly simple.  His obsession with this premise just made me think he might be shallow or dim witted, and since I have sat through some fairly painful dates with both shallow and dim witted men I decided against contacting him.

Human relationships are nuanced and full of many shades of gray.  Life is in fact quite complicated, not simple at all.  My relationship with my ex-husband is complex to say the least.  Up until June 21, 2009 I considered him my best friend, my closest confidant, and then in an instant found myself staring at a man I hardly knew.  A bond and trust like that can’t be immediately severed, instead it took months and years for it to morph and change from overwhelming feelings of anger and resentment to a now familiar attachment that is difficult to describe.  What has been actually more troubling are the other relationships I lost when my marriage fell apart.  People I thought were as close as family just drifted away without so much as any real condolences or understanding.  In fact from some of them criticized me for being too hard on my ex.  If they only knew the layers of sacrifice and burden I had to endure for much of my marriage, the deception and betrayal they would never dare say something so profoundly uninformed to me.

As I witnessed many of my friends also go through difficult and painful divorces I experienced the extremely complicated nature of human relationships.  Some of my friends sabotaged their marriages with blatant infidelity or with downright abandonment towards their spouses.  Do I cut those friends off because of the way they treated their marriages?  Or do I understand the relationship was between those two people, and only they understand the torment and struggle they were going through.  Other relationships simply fell apart due to the every day wear and tear we put each other through, and any couple who has been together more than a decade or more knows, sometimes two people simply do grow apart.  And of course I had friends who were subject to cruelty and betrayal on extreme levels from their spouses.  Some of the stories still cause me to tear up when I think about them.  Married for twenty years only to be thrown away for a newer model and to find out the betrayal stretched on for the entire duration of the marriage?  Again anyone in a long-term committed relationship knows how much two people can go through in that time span especially when they have children together.  And then what of the children?  Damaged by the failure of a marriage and scarred up from the feeling of abandonment by one or both of their parents.  Not to say that the children won’t heal and might be better off in a divorced situation rather than a toxic household, but divorce is traumatic for all parties involved.  Or how about instances when one spouse is horribly treated by another then has to manage a healthy co-parenting relationship after the fact for years.  Life is not always so simple, and human relationships are hardly simple.  In fact they are quite complicated, and anyone who has survived a difficult divorce knows this truth all too well.

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Life After Divorce: Fighting off the Dread.

Date: April 3, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating - NYC, Depression, Divorce, Gay Husband, Relationships, Straight Spouse, Uncategorized
Comments: 5 Replies
One Is a Lonely Number

One Is a Lonely Number (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The other day someone I had met once, and really didn’t know at all said the following to me.

“I think there are more divorces in your future, you are going to die alone”

Or something to that effect, I am not really sure exactly what he wrote.  Glad he thinks I am getting married again, personally I can’t see that happening but you never know.  Now again, the person who said this didn’t know me at all.  I had barely interacted with him in any capacity online or in person.  He got upset because he thought it was perfectly acceptable to randomly pick a fight with me on my Facebook wall. It started with a positive comment on my part and ended with him calling me a “c*nt” making that remark and claiming I insulted him, which I never once did.  I simply stated that I didn’t really know him well, had never posted on his wall, and then asked if he even lived in NYC anymore.  I assumed he lived in LA, apparently he lived in NJ and took this as some sort of huge dig.  I thought if he lived in LA that it was weird that he was even bothering as that is just half way across the universe.  That is all I meant by my comment.  But I am just assuming it was the NJ reference as I never called him a name, and I never once insulted him.  I don’t know how I would insult someone I barely knew other than calling him angry and I didn’t even do that, I simply said I found it annoying when people I barely know post inflammatory things on my wall…and it is annoying.  But if he thought that comment would hurt me, he was way off.  As I don’t need random angry white males who know nothing about me making comments like about me when I have my own brain to do it for me.

You will always be alone, you will always be alone, you will always be alone

Sometimes I feel like everyone I have gone out on bad awkward uncomfortable dates with since my divorce is now having absolutely amazing romances.  Maybe they are, maybe they aren’t.  But the feeling of overwhelming dread is a constant fight I battle nearly every night.  In my darker moods, I will walk around the city and play back all snippets of every horrible date I have had in my mind.  Some weren’t so bad but there were still non-productive in that there was no connection and we both felt it.   So the dread creeps in there, usually at night, when I am trying to shut down my engines and finally give my brain a rest, I find it just goes into hyper-drive.

You will always be alone, you will always be alone, you will always be alone.

I know it isn’t rational, and I know it isn’t true but it bounces around regardless in my skull every night as I am trying to calm down.  I just don’t see much of an end.  Since I have started working on my memoir it has only gotten worse.  At least I have the work to distract me but now I am even more isolated than ever.  And I know so many others like myself, both men and women past their peak dating years and single.  I am not going to radically change the person that I am to the core of my being and suddenly start running around pursuing a polyamorous or promiscuous lifestyle.  I am a one-man woman who just feels stuck.  I could go out with someone 10-15  years younger than me, as I get a lot of offers but I find I rarely relate to men that much younger than me.

You will always be alone, you will always be alone, you will always be alone

I know it’s not rational thinking and I know I can control it.   And I try to use my Cognitive Behavior Techniques to try to shut it down.  All or nothing thinking, irrational thinking, of course that is not true, no one will end up always alone.  But then I think about a comment the total jerk made to me and it rings true, not just for me, but for every human on this planet.  As most people don’t actually die with their spouse or significant other.  Unless they are both killed in some type of accident, or die of the same disease at roughly the same time…most of us…do in fact…die alone.  We might spend years even decades by ourselves after a spouse has passed.  Or even if our spouses are alive when we go, most of us don’t always have those hallmark moments with loved ones surrounding us when we leave this earth.  Death comes in all sorts of ways, and many of them are hardly warm and fuzzy.  We might even have to face the horrors of watching our children or nieces and nephews die before us.  That is life, sometimes it is just that brutal.

You will always be alone, you will always be alone, you will always be alone.

So I guess I really shouldn’t dread that voice in my head or the occasional stab from some random stranger.  I put my vulnerability out there in the form of this blog.  I am the proverbial dog who has decided to bare its belly for the world.  So take your stabs, my skin is Teflon at this point.  At least I tried a long-term relationship and it failed.  But at least I am not drinking myself into oblivion every night or thinking I can fulfill myself from an audience because that is dragon chasing its tail if there ever was one.  Or thinking that a better job, more money, more exposure will somehow cure the insecurity inside of me, when it won’t.  Even if that dreadful thought becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy and I hope it doesn’t, it really isn’t so horrible as most of us deal with loss, loneliness and grief.  It is just a part of life, and at least I will admit that I am flawed and damaged without shame.  I have lost, will probably lose again and it doesn’t make me a horrible person, it only makes me human.

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Life After Divorce: Removing the Stigma of Divorce

Date: March 25, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Divorce, Relationships, Straight Spouse, Uncategorized
Comments: 13 Replies

I have heard some buzz about certain politicians advocating for tougher divorce laws.  So I did some research in the anti-divorce movement some of what I found really made my head spin.  For instance in an article of a certain pro-marriage website www.smartmarriages.com I found the following

It is hardly debatable that many of society’s ills can be traced to the continuing high rates of marital distress and divorce.

I would argue that there are plenty of other things contributing to society’s ills, but in order to stay on topic I won’t list them here.  What followed that statement was actually a fairly balanced discussion on the pros and cons of enacting tougher divorce laws.  What I found disturbing however is that in 2012 anyone would debate making divorce less accessible.

Our culture has grown leaps and bounds since the 1950’s and earlier when most of society viewed divorced people with suspicion and derision.  But the stigma of being divorced hasn’t completely gone away.  Every time a divorced political candidate runs for office, the press scrutinizes their marital history as it is somehow indicative of their moral character.   Entertainers and public figures are not immune to this criticism either.  As crusaders of conservative values like Rush Limbaugh who himself is on his fourth wife.  Or Newt Gingrich who can’t seem to stop getting married, then having and affair only to then marry his mistress.  Then there is Jennifer Lopez already over marriage number three at 42 and Larry King on marriage number eight.  And of course we have Kim Kardashian who after a lavish televised wedding for her second marriage, filed for divorce after only 72 days.   Some people seem to have a marriage problem.  And then there is the rest of us.

I married once, and for reasons completely out of my control my marriage ended.  I am not deficient or somehow morally bankrupt as a result.  It was not a weakness on my part that my marriage fell apart.  My husband was a closeted homosexual, I discovered as much and got out as soon as I possibly could.  For many of my divorced friends they also felt like they had no choice but to leave their marriages.  One of my friends found out her husband was a criminal and when confronted with this information he blamed her, even though she knew nothing about his criminal activity.  Another friend married a man who refused to seek treatment for his bi-polar disorder.  A disease he struggled with in the past but had hidden from his wife.  His untreated mental illness made him physically and emotionally abusive to both herself and their child.  Since he refused treatment, she also had no choice but to leave the relationship.   Or in the case of several of my friends, one spouse simply did not want to remain in a monogamous relationship and continually had extramarital affairs.  What is the other spouse supposed to do?  Stick around and put up with the constant deception, open themselves up to possibly getting a sexually transmitted disease, stay faithful to a partner who is not faithful to them?  And in some marriages one spouse becomes overwhelmingly emotionally or physically abusive, constantly tearing down or controlling the other.  Should someone stay in that situation?  I think not.

Are we supposed to feel like failed people because our partners made it impossible for us to stay in our marriages?  Are we emotionally weak or deficient?  Are we morally bankrupt?  Have we committed some horrible crime against society?  When I hear of conservatives promoting laws to make divorce more difficult I want to scream.  Marriage is a personal matter between two people.  Should the government intervene for the sake of society and prevent divorce?  We all know of couples who stay together in a mutually destructive dance of co-dependency, or marriages in which one partner suffers irrecoverably while the other uses them as an emotional punching bag.  Is an injurious marriage preferable to a divorce?

In my case there were no children involved, the only people who have suffered have been my former spouse and myself.  How are we destroying society?  And when children are present, should restrictive divorce laws force them to stay in a painful and destructive household in which one or both parents are miserable?   I can’t imagine that environment could lead to a healthy childhood.

Marriage is just a relationship made more complicated by social and legal ramifications.  If one or both parties want to leave a marriage the government should not force them to stay together for the sake of society.  Of course some individuals do abuse marriage and make both marriage and divorce seem trivial.  But most of us were just doing the best we could, and maybe we ended up with the wrong partner.  Maybe we got married too young, maybe we felt pressured into it, maybe we just made a foolish choice.  It doesn’t matter, most divorced people are not morally bankrupt and we are not the bane of society.  Thank goodness we live in a country where we can legally walk away from these toxic unions, and anyone would prevent us from doing so is the truly morally corrupt person.

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Dating After Divorce: Mr. or Ms. Angry

Date: March 22, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating Online, Divorce, Relationships, Uncategorized
Comments: 3 Replies
Raiva-Ager-Icon

Raiva-Ager-Icon (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I am adding the following disclaimer to all of my dating related blog posts.  I change details, and create composite characters when I write about dating archetypes such as “Mr. Houdini, Mr. Angry, etc.  I would hate it if someone wrote about a high energy blonde comedian negatively in a blog, so because of that I never include a person’s occupation or anything about their physical description.  I also change enough details that I doubt anyone I am referring to would even recognize themselves if they read one of my articles.   I have split one person into three, or taken several people and put them all into one example.  So simply put, I am very ethical on this blog.

We have all been out with someone like this, and I will freely admit that I have been this exact person.  I am writing this in part, because I need to remind myself of this bad dating habit.  🙂  And as always all of my examples will remain confidential and I will change certain details to protect the not-so-innocent.

Mr.or Ms. Angry

  • Usually over 35 (Or any age)
  • Any occupation
  • Any socioeconomic background
  • Any level of physical attractiveness from gorgeous to hideous

Bad behavior

  • Immediately starts complaining about something on a date
  • Bitches about their ex
  • Goes on and on about something negative
  • Gets angry with you over nothing
  • Shows disrespect to a server or another service based employee
  • Says horrible things about their family members
  • Plays the Victim with no shades of gray

I will openly admit that I have been extremely guilty of being a “Negative Nellie” while on dates.  In my case I am more of a Ms. Morbid or Ms. Negative than Angry but they are really just different shades of the same color.  A date with a “Mr. Angry” will usually go something like this…

You meet somewhere for a quick bite or drink and your date immediately starts into a rant about something horrible in his or her life.  It could be one of any of the following, divorce, breakup, finances, politics, mortgage, lease, problems at work, hatred of something, even a former lover.

Mr. or Ms. Angry starts his or her first conversation with a virtual stranger with a complaint of some sort.  Are they justified?  They very well might have plenty of reason to rant, but doing so on a first date is a terrible idea.  I know I have a bad habit of talking about my divorce but it is difficult for me to avoid this topic since I am currently writing a book about it, I blog for the Huffington Post in the Divorce section and has been the single most traumatic and transformative event in my life.  It is difficult to not speak of the elephant in the room.  But try I must, because when I’m meeting a person for the first time and I find myself  just ranting about some injustice the red flags are blowing in the wind and sirens are going off, Danger, Danger…RUN!

One man insisted on calling me before our date.  I hate calling men on the phone I haven’t met, but we had a mutual friends so I agreed to it.  He started our conversation with a 20 minute rant on how much he hated living in Los Angeles.  He then went on about an illegal sublet and an unfair landlord, and spoke at length about his complicated realtionship with his ex-wife.  Which he said and I quote “Any woman is just going to have to DEAL with it, but I still love her!”  Why I didn’t get off the phone is beyond me, but he topped off the conversation by referring to  Kermit the Frog as a “Pig F*cker”.   And he said as much with pure venom.  I won’t get into what this man did for a living to protect his privacy, but his job was sort of related to children’s entertainment.   Most examples of Mr. and Ms. Angry will complain about a former partner, as complaining about an ex seems to make sense to a new potential mate.  I’ve done it myself, but I wish I hadn’t.  As I have said many times on this blog and in my stand-up.

Any man who trashes his ex in front of a new woman, don’t be surprised if you are next on his list.

And of course this goes for women as well.  We have all dated psychos and some of us have experienced extremely bad behavior – cheating, deception, physical violence, disrespect, obsessiveness, controlling or manipulative behavior .  We may feel completely justified in our rants, but listing our grievances presents us in the absolute worst light to a new suitor.  It is also a huge red flag is EVERY former partner of a Ms. or Mr. Angry is:

  • Crazy
  • Psycho
  • Abusive
  • Addict or Alcoholic

You have to ask yourself, what is the other side of the story?  And why does this person keep picking unstable or cruel people as partners? Some are real victims as bad relationships happen to nearly everyone, but if literally EVERY former lover is pure evil…chances are these situations have far more shades of gray then Mr. or Ms. Angry will let you in on.

When Mr. or Ms Angry starts off with a bitch fest, they are also letting you know that any new person in their life is a dumping ground for emotional baggage.  If you end up dating that person, you will become the new rubbish bin.  Of course we all complain about our lives to our friends and lovers but it should only be part of the relationship, not the main part.  Ideally you go on dates to get to know a new person, find things you share in common and if you are really lucky discover the intangible and elusive connection.  Your date is not your therapist, and you shouldn’t let someone treat you like one either.  I outta know, I know of where I speak on this one. 🙂  I have been both accidental therapist AND the ranting lunatic.

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Divorce – The Blame Game and the many shades of gray

Date: January 10, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Divorce, Gay Husband, Relationships, Straight Spouse
Comments: 9 Replies

Marriage

So I am starting this one worked up again, as that is usually what compels me to write.  One of the things that kind of drives me crazy with divorce is the “blame the victim” mentality.  That is, for some there is never a victim in a divorce, that both sides of the conflict must share the blame of the split and they won’t budge from that viewpoint.  Another blogger, who I absolutely won’t mention as I don’t want to give him publicity or attention cherry-picked one of my articles.

This is how he quoted me.

By her third sentences, she regrets having acted as she tells others they should not — “but not completely.” Why? you may ask. No need: Her run-on sentence goes on to say that she was “mad, extremely mad at my husband who had been…” blah, blah, blah.

Those blah, blah, blahs….that he left out were in fact quite important.  I wrote the following.

I was mad, extremely mad at my husband who had been lying to me for years and living as a closeted homosexual. I had nine years of sacrifice and struggle to keep a relationship together that was ultimately a fraud at its core.

My critic also goes on to criticize me for basically taking none of the blame of my divorce.  And to quote him directly, he claims

“I was 100% right and he was 100% wrong” story.

I hate to break it to this self-proclaimed divorce expert, but sometimes…divorces really are that lopsided.  I can think of my example, and most straight spouses.  A straight spouse is someone who was misled by a closeted homosexual into believing that they entered a marriage with a heterosexual partner.  In some cases, the straight spouse may know beforehand that their partner is gay, has gay tendencies or a gay past and they choose to marry them anyway.  However usually the closeted partner will go to extreme lengths to hide their sexuality.  When the truth is finally revealed what is the straight spouse to do to save the marriage?  Continue to live a lie?  Live a non-traditional marriage perhaps having new sexual partners, but remaining in a sham marriage? My ex-husband begged me to stay with him, work out an arrangement, live with him in a fraud, he was willing to do almost anything to keep me.  I didn’t want to live a lie anymore so I left him.

The only exception I can think of is that if a gay partner and a straight partner choose to stay in a relationship and everything is above-board and honest.  I know of a few examples of non-traditional relationships that work quite well.  But in my situation deception was the only thing keeping my marriage together.  And I knew that by keeping my ex-husband in the closet would ultimately destroy him.  Because “the closet” is a horrible, miserable existence.

If anything by leaving my husband I released him from this destructive self-loathing.   So I am not going to take half of the blame for my divorce.  I was fully committed to my husband, I never had an extramarital affair and that was even after my marriage became celibate.   I put up with lies and excuses because I was dedicated to making my marriage work.

There are other examples of blame not going evenly to both partners, such as

  • One partner is physically abusing the other or abusing the couples children
  • One partner is a serial cheater and has not been faithful to their spouse and cannot be faithful to any partner
  • One partner is leading a secret life that puts his or her family in jeopardy.  i.e. criminal activity without the other partners knowledge
  • One partner is mentally ill and refuses to get treatment
  • One partner has a substance abuse problem and refuses treatment
  • One partner marries the other for a green card or other fraudulent reason

I know it might seem impossible for my critic to admit that there charming yet nefarious people out there who have absolutely no intention of keeping their marriage vows, but these situations are quite common.  I blame myself for picking the wrong partner, but I won’t take responsibility for his lies.

In some marriages both parties have made multiple mistakes, or perhaps entered into the union before they were ready.  They may have both been emotionally abusive to one another or had extramarital affairs.  Financial or lifestyle issues and lack of communication might tear them apart.  Or they simply could have grown into two very different people than when they entered the marriage.  In these cases there are many shades of gray.  Even infidelity sometimes occurs because one partner simply wants out desperately and is looking for any excuse to end it.  They have an affair, admit it immediately and their marriage is over.  Not exactly a serial cheater who lied for years, but a desperate person looking for and end to a broken marriage.  I have had friends go through nearly every scenario, and in most cases the reasons for a split is very murky.  Neither side can blame the other without taking some blame themselves.  But when one spouse enters into a marriage with a secret and lies, there is little the other spouse can do to change that.

Human relationships aren’t so neat and tidy or democratic.   So to those who insist that I or any other spouse like myself should accept responsibility for a person who repeatedly lied during the marriage I say they are way off base.  The best thing we can do is avoid picking another deceptive partner and move forward.

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Life After Divorce – The Holiday Blues

Date: December 26, 2011
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Depression, Divorce, Relationships
Comments: 2 Replies

This is just a message to all of my regular readers.  I don’t intend on trying to get this published anywhere else but on this blog.  The holidays were never a gray area for me growing up.  My family had its issues, as every family has problems, but Christmas was always a joyous time filled with great memories.  From year to year I can never recall what I did for my birthday, or how I spent New Year‘s eve.  Since I work in special events I consider it bad luck if I am not working on nearly every other holiday,  but Christmas is something else entirely, I can tell you exactly where I celebrated it, what I gave and got for presents and what I ate.

I didn’t really understand holiday melancholy until I got divorced.  The first Thanksgiving after I left my husband I tried to keep to the same routine.  A couple that had invited us year after year decided to ask me up and Joel spent the day at the Big Apple circus.  Despite everyone’s best intentions in trying to keep my spirits up I felt like a living ghost.  No one knew what to say to me, so I would get looks of pity and little else.  The hostess tried valiantly to connect with me and try to cheer me up and I will never forget her kind gesture, but to everyone else it was if I wasn’t there.  Conversations would swirl around me and I would pick up phrases here or there but my mind kept drifting to a black void of numbness.  I couldn’t focus for anything but that I had sat in the same room with the same people year after year only this time my husband wasn’t with me.  In the middle of the evening I snuck upstairs to call my brother.  I needed a lifeline out of these frozen memories of past good times.  I just desperately wanted my old life back, even if it was a life based on lies more than anything else.  The host took a photo of everyone around the table and my spirit was so crushed at the time, I actually look gray.  It almost looks like I was photo-shopped into the picture, everyone is smiling and then this odd depressed woman in the corner.

That Christmas I went home to Missouri and stayed with my sister.   I was financially ruined, brokenhearted and alone.  I had no hope that anything was going to get better.  What had happened to my life?  What was going to become of me?  On top of the disaster of my divorce, I had just broken off the relationship that I now call the supernova.  It was a rebound relationship that nearly destroyed me.  I was at the lowest point in my life that I had ever been.  About a month after that Christmas celebration I got into therapy and on antidepressants as I had become out of control and suicidal.

It is now two years later and I feel like a totally different person, but the residual effects still linger.  This year a few days before Thanksgiving I felt dark clouds hovering over me, I had to beat them back with constant reminders of how far I had come and all the good things and people in my life.  The best change is that now, I am no longer dependent on another human being or a marriage for my happiness.

If you are going through a rough time and you stumbled on this blog.  It does get better.  Maybe not in the way you think it will, and it may take a long time for it to happen.  Try as much as you can to surround yourself with people who support and love you, and there are always people who support and love you no matter what you may think now.  Life is just a roller coaster and some of us have to stay near the bottom for a long time before it swings back up, and you may never know what direction that upswing will take you.  If you need professional help with your depression, get the help you need by any means necessary.  The mental illness of depression really can become bigger than you, positive thinking is not going to make it magically float away.  You may need an objective third-party to help you  pull yourself up.  Try to avoid anyone who is not taking your situation seriously or making light of it, they probably mean well but they can do more harm than good.  I know when I was drowning in depression having someone flippantly say

“Other people have bigger problems than you do”

“Go out and get over it”

“You should just get wasted and forget about it”

Comments like these were like pouring salt on my wound.  A major loss takes time, and you should instead surround yourself with people who have genuine sympathy for your situation.  Fellow divorced people, or friends who have experienced a similar loss such as a death are the best people to find for support.  A friend who has been through the same thing will understand you better than anyone.

And if you know someone going through a rough time, sit down with them and just listen.  You don’t have to fix their problems, but sometimes just being a person to hear their pain and their story is more important than anything else.  Try to give them the patience they need, as a person in crisis is bound to be a needy emotional mess.  Give them room and allow them their time to grieve.  There are no magic bullets or overnight successes when dealing with loss.  And remember more than anything, before you know it the holidays will be over and everyone will go back to life as usual.

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Life After Divorce – Kiddie Table Banishment

Date: December 7, 2011
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Divorce, Gay Husband, Relationships, Straight Spouse, Uncategorized
Comments: 2 Replies

English: Saying grace before carving the turke...

No one likes to talk about it.  But I have heard from a few friends that post-divorce this problem is quite common.  There is some real estate that is downright coveted come holiday time.  And sometimes post-divorce you lose your stake at it.  And that real estate would be getting a seat at the adult table during holiday meals.  This doesn’t apply to everyone, as not everyone has a huge extended family.  Or if they do they at least have a big enough table so that everyone can sit together.   But for many families, it is simply not possible to put all the adults together and there comes a point when you just don’t want to sit at the kiddie table anymore.

It usually goes like this, when you are married and you come home for the holidays no one would dream of putting you at the kids table.  Just as it is assumed that you will also be expected to send out Christmas or Chanukah cards now that you are a married adult, it is also assumed that your spouse will not be forced to sit and eat with your nine-year old niece.  So things are done, seating arrangements adjusted so that your new addition to the family will not suffer the fate of being treated like a child.  When you get divorced however, everything can change.  Especially when a new member of your generation gets married that year.  Suddenly you find your status lowered.  Much like a single person with no date at a wedding, you are not going to get prime seating.  You instead end up at the table with misfits, and in this case the misfits have bibs, braces or acne.   Or worse yet, it is all of your fellow divorced adult cousins or siblings.  The table of rejects, the table of shame.

Well I say instead of coveting a seat with the adults, look at it this way.  Sure it is the table where wine is openly served but the conversation can drift to octogenarians complaining about their medications and health problems, or a crazy uncle trying to convert everyone to his conspiracy theory political beliefs so look on the bright side.  You now get to sit with the fun crew.  They might even break out into song or start a food fight.

The holidays are horrible anyway when you are newly divorced because even if you wanted desperately out of the marriage it seems every single thing around you is sending a message that you are somehow broken and sad because you are no longer one half of a couple.  Instead of being defeated by your new status of adult child, just think about the perks.

  • No one will expect a holiday card from you this year or one of those annoying family photo cards
  • You get to hang with children where you can openly mock everything without judgment
  • You can bring your own bottle of wine and drink it all by yourself
  • No one will judge you for what you eat or how fast you eat it
  • You can learn about video games, cartoons and comic books
  • Everyone at the kiddie table will eat pie, so just bask in the joy of eating pie with children!

I never understood why people always dreaded the holidays until I got divorced, and now I understand the holiday dread all too well.  But instead of being defeated by it, I am just going to party with my nine-year old niece and bask in the joys of being a misfit at the table of freaks!

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Divorce – It’s more than just a breakup

Date: November 29, 2011
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Divorce, New York City, Relationships, Uncategorized
Comments: 7 Replies
Divorce Cakes a_006

Divorce Cakes a_006 (Photo credit: DrJohnBullas)

One of the most annoying things that I heard repeatedly after I left my husband was the following.

“I just broke up with my boyfriend, I know exactly how you feel”

I know that my friends who told me that were trying to make me feel better.  They were trying to show empathy and a shared experience with mine.  But a relationship even a long-term one with cohabitation is not the same as a marriage.  If it was then same-sex couples wouldn’t be fighting for the right to marry all over this country.  For starters there is the ceremony.  When you start dating someone you don’t throw a “Hey look we just started dating party” you might have a housewarming if you move in together but with a marriage there are usually one or more bridal showers, an engagement party, a bachelorette party and finally the big obnoxious wedding.    I remember mine as if it was yesterday and when I stood there in the dress facing both sides of our collective families turning to watch me walk down that aisle I thought to myself.

So this is why we have weddings, to guilt us into staying together.

All of these parties, rituals and ceremonies add to the sense of permanence to the union.   Your families become legally linked to one another, everything becomes part of the public record.   And although getting married is easy enough, getting out of it can be a quagmire.

For instance I always wanted to say to the person who just broke up with their non-spouse partner.

  • Did you have to go to a lawyer to break up?
  • Do you have any stocks or mutual funds in both of your names?
  • Do you have property with this person?
  • Do you have children?
  • Did you just have to go do your taxes with your ex?
  • Do you live in fear that your ex will financially ruin you before the divorce is final?
  • Do you have to pay alimony to your ex-partner?
  • Is your partner hiding marital assets or income earned during the marriage?
  • Is your ex contesting the split or slowing the process down?

As difficult as a breakup is, even a long-term live-in partner is not the same as a husband or wife.  With some long-term relationships shared assets or children might be an issue but in most cases they are not.  With a boyfriend or girlfriend you can usually just walk away.  You don’t have to go to court, you don’t have to file for legal separation, you don’t have to protect your assets.  The only real legal benefit to being non-married is that if you have your own health insurance you don’t have to worry about losing it when you get divorced.  Because of all of the legal ramifications, especially with those involving children divorces in some states can drag on for years before they are resolved.

I had a non-contested divorce with few assets and my ex and I spent over $2,000 on the divorce and I had to go to court about five times before it was over.  Since I was the one who filed, I was the one who had to appear to drive the paperwork through the system.  I remember waiting in line trying to hold back tears to get my certified copy of my divorce.  I had to get this document to split in half some of our assets and to legally declare to the universe that we were no longer husband and wife.  Our divorce was easy, it only took eight months in NY state, but some of my friends with children are still battling with their exes years later.  Eight months, thousands of dollars and multiple court appearances isn’t exactly the same as moving my stuff out of a boyfriend’s apartment.

But putting all of the legal and financial ramifications aside, there is still a sense of permanence of forever that exists in marriage that doesn’t exist in the same way as it would in a non-legally binding relationship.  There is something about that big day and the hopes and dreams of both of your extended families that makes it feel like it won’t end.  It is why we have big rituals surrounding marriage, it is supposed to be something higher, something larger than just two people living together.  And it is exactly why the fall is much harder.  Of my divorced friends I honestly don’t know anyone who didn’t go through some level of hell.  For some the day of reckoning took a while to show up, and for others it was immediate, but they all went through some major trauma even if they wanted desperately out of the marriage.  Divorce is not just a breakup, so the next time someone tries to tell you that, just nod and smile, they know not what they say.

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Dating in NYC: How to self-sabotage a date

Date: November 15, 2011
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating After Divorce, Dating Online, Divorce, Relationships, Uncategorized
Comments: 13 Replies
English: (ship) half-submerged and sinking.

English: (ship) half-submerged and sinking. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Anyway this is meant as self-deprecating humor.  I am after all a comedian.  I am a lousy dater because for my entire adult life I have been a serial monogamist so I really don’t know how to do the date thing.  I talk to much, I reveal too much, and I am too hyper…but I am hardly nasty and I have heard so many stories from both genders of people being extremely mean or shallow on these dates…so please anyone reading this…the piece was meant as satire, self-parody…don’t take it so seriously!  YIKES! 

Dating is not marriage, dating is one big job interview after another.  Marriage is trying to keep the job you have had for years already have interesting and exciting.  Going from a long-term marriage to the dating pool is rough, I have no idea what I am doing, but I do know when a date is clearly not going to work out.  And to avoid having “the talk” with some guy I barely know, I tend to instead self-sabotage the whole endeavor.   The “talk” is the short brief chat about why I don’t think we are compatible as a romantic couple.  I don’t like getting “the talk” from a man who isn’t interested in me, and I hate giving it.  Since I date mostly men I meet online, it is a total crap-shoot.  I can’t really tell much from a profile, and I have no idea if I will end up having any type of connection with the person.  Most of the time I don’t, and that is not their fault, but merely the nature of the beast.  I don’t get offended or upset when I can tell a man is not viewing me as a potential match.  It is the meeting of two total strangers, it is rare when sparks fly.

I don’t really understand what makes attraction work, but I do know that on a few dates I wanted to crawl over the table and start making out with a guy I had just met.  I didn’t publicly make-out with a total stranger, but in the two times that I have felt that right away, I ended up briefly dating those men.   The two suitors looked nothing alike and had totally different personalities, I can’t explain why both of them were appealing to me, but there it is.  When the initial attraction is not there and the conversation is forced or awkward, then it is time to have “the talk” or resort to self-sabotage.

There are generally two methods of self-sabotaging a date.  The first I call the super clingy needy crazy girl, sometimes the super clingy needy girl act can backfire, and it also makes you look crazier.

  • Talk about marriage immediately
  • Talk about babies immediately, wanting to have babies, your friends babies etc. anything about babies
  • Discuss with your date things that you will do in the far future, things like “I can’t wait to hang with you at Christmas!”
  • Ask way too many super personal questions right off the bat, such as “How many women have you slept with?”, or “How many girlfriends have you had?”
  • Talk about how much you love the man’s neighborhood and would love to live there

The dark torpedo – my preferred method and honestly I do this a bit subconsciously when I don’t even mean to go there.

  • Go on and on about my divorce
  • Talk about being on medication for my clinical depression due to my divorce
  • Ramble on about every ex-boyfriend I have had, or my ex-husband
  • Don’t ask the man any personal questions about himself
  • Discuss politics, history, world wars or something incredibly dark or horrible
  • Lament on all of my family drama and dysfunction
  • Say things like “I really shouldn’t be dating anyone right now”

The torpedo of darkness usually works, and the sad thing is that it sort of comes on me automatically.  It isn’t that I have a master plan and want to be mean, I just don’t watch my bad habits if I am not really into a guy.  And if he isn’t getting the hint I tend to lay it on even thicker.  I would rather have him think that I am broken and not available than to think it is something about him that I don’t like.  Because usually I don’t know why I am not attracted to the guy, I couldn’t tell you if you put a gun to my head.  It is just a quality that can’t be explained, but if it is not there, then it is not there.   I know I have gone through the opposite myself.

Some of my worst dating stories involve the following

  • A date who got noticeably offended and disgusted when I revealed I was from Missouri
  • Another man who bitched about an ex-girlfriend from….20 years ago.
  • A date who said his ex-wife was a bitch in the first five minutes
  • A date who proclaimed  “I don’t get emotionally attached” and then kept trying to steer the conversation to sex
  • A date who told me how much he missed his ex and hoped they would get back together
  • A man who openly told me he wanted to date a friend of mine – and yes this did happen.

If you are stuck in a situation where you think a guy is a decent fellow but you don’t really feel the urge to take the relationship further, use this as a simple guide to drive him away.  So far it has worked every time.  I accidentally learned these techniques from having one horrible date after another and trying to date too soon after I got divorced.   And if you meet a guy you actually want to see again, I strongly suggest you avoid doing any of the above, because you really want to look your best and not like a crazy clingy woman or a dark cloud of doom.

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Dating after Divorce: How NOT to use Social Media

Date: November 13, 2011
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating - NYC, Depression, Divorce, Gay Husband, New York City, Relationships, Straight Spouse, Uncategorized
Comments: 1 Reply
facebook

facebook (Photo credit: sitmonkeysupreme)

I would love to write that post-divorce I handled my online social media profiles with grace, restraint and dignity, but that it would be a total and utter fabrication.  What I did instead was to vomit my personal hell and torment over the internet, and was unapologetic about it.  In some ways I regret it, but not completely as I was mad, extremely mad at my husband who had been lying to me for years and living as a closeted homosexual.  I had nine years of sacrifice and struggle to keep a relationship together that was ultimately a fraud at its core.   The torrent of emotions was overdue and I had this new forum called…FACEBOOK.

This type of  social media is relatively new to everyone and correct Facebook etiquette, manners and rules haven’t been firmly established.  However I have learned quite a bit from my mistakes and I would love to share them.  I didn’t do everything on this list, but from my own and others mistakes I have discovered the hard way what is just a bad idea.

1. Don’t use your Status Updates to seek and destroy – Never post a status update hoping that your ex will see it, or as a direct attack against your ex – they might see it, they might not, but you will just make most of your friends concerned with you and your mental health.

2. Get rid of old Comments – Remove any and all comments that were made on a the profile or photos or your ex of a loving, kind or playful nature.  Comments such as “There is my sweetie!” or “I love my husband” can come back to haunt you when starting a new relationship and the new boyfriends stumbles upon these little notes.   It can also cause problems for your ex and his new relationships.   Basically it is confusing for everyone involved and if you can easily remove things, remove them.

3. Learn to love the BLOCK Feature  – If you are on horrible terms with your ex or your ex is using Facebook to attack you or taunt you personally…BLOCK THEM.  When you block an ex they can’t see you or anything you do on Facebook.  They can’t even see a comment you make on a mutual friend’s wall or even see a photo.  The only way they can see you on Facebook is if you appear in a photo of a mutual friend and the mutual friend is also in the photo.  Otherwise you are invisible to them.

4. Don’t look up their profile – Blocking them helps make this easy, but don’t be tempted to look up your ex’s profile.  You are usually better off not knowing.

5. Don’t assume it’s about you – Also if you see something on an ex’s profile that says something to the effect of “I am so happy right now in my life I can’t stand it” don’t assume that your ex posted it there to piss you off.  He or she may have, but you have to assume they are not using Facebook as a weapon of your personal destruction.  That is why the BLOCK feature is so handy.

6. Don’t use friends walls for your grief –  If you are going to vent, use your own wall to do so.  Or better yet, think twice about it and don’t post!

7. Don’t create fake accounts to spy – I never did this, but I know people who have.  Sometimes I think there might be a good reason if you have children with your ex, or some other type of pending legal matter.  Otherwise when you have to create phony profiles to see what is up, you are entering place called crazytown.

8. Don’t broadcast new relationships – There is nothing wrong with changing your relationship status, however I did make the mistake while rebounding of putting too much out there about my new and short-lived relationships.  There  is nothing like telling the universe “I found love again!” but you may not get what you are hoping for.  You can scare off the new partner, start a war with your ex, and is it exactly worth it?

9. Beware of Twitter – Don’t follow your ex on twitter unless you have children in common with them.  Also don’t look at their tweets and if you can, lock your own account so that your ex would need permission to see your tweets.  Also be discreet about what you put on twitter, if you have friends in common your ex may know everything you are writing.

10. Shut down your Facebook account temporarily or don’t have one in the first place.  Facebook allows you to shut down your account for as long as you want and start it up again with the same friends and contacts.  I did this on multiple occasions to give myself a break and I found it somewhat wonderful.

Basically you are bound to be slightly insane after a divorce, and you are better off not making matters worse by publicly pulling everyone else into your drama.  Easier said then done, but you will get through it.  Eventually social media will just be another way to talk to friends from high school, not a way to exorcise your demons.   Things will get normal again, it just takes time.

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