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Life After Divorce: Do you REALLY have to be friends with your Ex?

Date: May 14, 2013
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Divorce, Gay Husband, Relationships, Straight Spouse, Uncategorized
Comments: 8 Replies

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In some was I was lucky, the conditions of my divorce made my split extremely cauterized.  When I discovered my ex-husband was gay, I wanted out of the marriage immediately.  I saw no hope for reconciliation and had no desire to work anything out.  We had no children so I didn’t see the point in keeping him as a major part of my life.  For the first couple of years it was hard to sever that connection, but ultimately I think it did us both good to move on.  My divorce messed me up fairly badly, and I am still coping with the after effects on a day by day basis.  That being said, I have also found a disturbing and somewhat annoying trend with at least a half-dozen men that I have gone out with since my divorce.  They do the following:

  • Openly talk about their ex for most of the date
  • Admit to buying gifts, presents, for their former spouse – in one case she was already re-married
  • Remain Emotionally connected to a former lover even if they’ve moved on
  • Constantly post loving messages on their former partner’s Facebook wall, Twitter account or other forms of social media
  • Every status update, every twitter post – is somehow about their ex.
  • One man admitted he sabotaged his marriage because he was still not over an ex-girlfriend
  • On guy went so far as to ask me on advice on how to get his ex back – I was on a date with him at the time

Obviously this is a universal problem that effects men and women of all sexual orientations and gender identifications.  I think part of this stems from the relatively new concept, that one has to get along with his or her ex.

If a couple has children, then I totally see the point of wanting to maintain a positive, healthy relationship.  Otherwise, I am not sure it is always best to keep your former significant other as a huge part of your life.  I say this because time and time again I don’t see good outcomes.  Instead of the pain being intense, difficult and swift; the agony gets played out slowly and arduously for one if not both partners – sometimes for years.  One or both partners remain in a state of arrested development.  They might derive sexual pleasure from others, but they remain emotionally connected to someone who is using them, completely over them or toxic to their well-being.

Too many times one half of the union will still rely on the other for

  • Emotional stability – comfort
  • Some type of ego boost
  • A sense of normalcy
  • A place to dump their emotional baggage

Keeping a former love around in your life, even if just in an emotional capacity, can cause a person to not seek out that role in someone new.    I have known some couples that drag on this pseudo non-relationship far too long for anything healthy to come out of it.  Your relationship fell apart for a reason.

  • You constantly fought – damaging each other up in the process
  • You couldn’t agree on major life decisions – where to live, how to spend money, whether or not to have kids
  • You grew apart
  • One if not both of you couldn’t stay honest to the commitment – Infidelity or deception
  • Complete loss of trust
  • Untreated substance abuse
  • Emotional or physical abuse
  • Lack of respect or boundaries

Sometimes all the therapy in the world cannot change the fact that two people are simply not compatible.  Broken relationships are not necessarily a failure.  The damage that occurred in the partnership could be too great to repair.  Instead of holding on to an idealized version of an ex, a person should asses what went wrong, take responsibility for any mistakes or destructive behavior and then move on. Or they should do everything within their power to repair the damage, make up for their mistakes and get their former spouse back.  The middle ground is what can be so agonizing for so many.

In the cases of a straight spouse, sometimes our former spouses are just using us as an emotional crutch after massive deception and betrayal.  It is important to establish strong emotional boundaries so that a former spouse does not end up exploiting your emotions after they have just wrecked your life.   They need to grow up and deal with the consequences of their actions.  I have seen men and women complain about this problem repeatedly in straight spouse chat rooms, and discussion groups.  Our former spouses sometimes act like emotional vampires draining us of what little we have left.  It might feel scary to imagine life without your former spouse, but in the long run you will be better off if you allow some distance.

Relationships do not have to remain static.  It is more likely to rekindle a friendship with a former partner many years after a break up rather than immediately after the fall.  Just because we were at one time in love with someone doesn’t mean we won’t fall in love with someone new, or have a full life without them.  I have been guilty of this as well.  It’s human nature to want to fight for something that we once loved, but sometimes the best thing to do is move forward and not dwell on the past.

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Dating After Divorce: If my Online dating profile was Realistic

Date: April 23, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Divorce, Gay Husband, Straight Spouse, Uncategorized
Comments: 5 Replies

If my online dating profile was my inner monologue it would go something like this.

Divorced.  I am putting that first because some of you guys can’t handle it.  So there it is.  DIVORCED.  But hey at least I tried marriage, you are 40? 42? and never married?  So what’s up with that?  Maybe you moved around a lot, maybe you got out of something long-term but otherwise…seriously what’s up with that? And I ask because once you find out my story you will judge me, and oh yes you will…so here we go.

My husband was gay.  No really gay.  Yes we had sex, I am not an idiot.  But the sexual relationship became dysfunctional, and to be quite frank it happens in a lot of marriages.  A quick google search of “sexless marriages” will yield plenty.  And no, he didn’t act gay.  No one thought he was gay.  He wore beat-up clothing with stains on it, and cared very little about his physical appearance for the most part.  He was ripped though.  Should I have known from his buff physique and extensive work-out routines he was really on the down-low?

You might think that since I was married to a gay man that I don’t like sex or that I am asexual.  Oh what I won’t tell you, but that is hardly the case.  I am a one-man type of woman in that I like having one partner at at time, and I like to get to know my partners before having sex with them, which is hardly uncommon, especially for women.   I am not frigid or asexual, in fact I had plenty of perfectly normal relationships before I got married.  I was miserable living that way and I never want to go back.

But enough about him…but you will ask about him, because you will probably find my blog.  And then after you do you will freak out.  Look I am not going to write about you.  I dare you to find another person’s name on my blog other than my own….you won’t. I feel like I have to tell you about the blog, after you find out my name, thanks to powers of a google search.

I was a good wife.  Loyal and ridiculously faithful.   I bent over backwards to make my husband’s life as easy, and I was extremely supportive of his career.  Sacrificed my own career ambitions for him and in the process kind of painted myself into a corner.  This is my fault and I take responsibility for it, but I thought that is what a spouse is supposed to do.  I won’t do it again. Not sure if I would ever marry again…the divorce was so horrible.  Haven’t really dated much so the idea of re-marrying seems really crazy…anyway.

I hope you aren’t one of the many socially awkward types that I seem to go out with.  I don’t know why but it seems that most of the men I have been on dates with have difficulty having a normal conversation, so I am forced to blather on and reveal way too much.  Or they sometimes try to impress me with tales from their youth in which they did hardcore drugs.  Well drugs aren’t an accomplishment so much as a bad habit, so the drug stories don’t impress me.  Anyway, I am a bit awkward myself.  Please don’t be intimidated by the fact that I go onstage with a microphone, or the fact that I liberally use the “f-word” both on stage and in my every day life.  Don’t freak out that I wear a pink wig, don a huge pink polyester dress covered in applique and pay a crazed children’s performer for adults named Princess Sunshine.  Don’t lose it when you hear my song “Man Whore” or “Younger Piece of Ass”.  And everyone knows the accordion is the sexiest musical instrument, second only to the ukulele. I play both, how lucky are you!?!

Look I am fortunate in the genes department and I look 10 years younger than my actual age, I am naturally ripped and slender.  If you are into women with huge breasts and a sensuous curves, you will want to keep looking as that is not me.  But if you like an athletic build…I might be your girl.  And yes I am a vegetarian and I don’t drink alcohol often but that doesn’t mean I am an uptight shrew.  I used to cook meat for my ex-husband all the time.  I am so not uptight that I go out all the time to see my friends take off their clothing for fun.  That’s right…burlesque…I perform in that too…but as an emcee, not a dancer.  Not that there is anything wrong with being a burlesque dancer.  Sorry if that freaks you out, it probably does.  What can I say?  I am a total weirdo.

And to those of you who want babies and are worried I am 39 years old.  Well my grandmother had her last at age 42 and my aunts all had lots of healthy children.  No one in my family has had even the slightest problem with fertility.  And to the men who have kids and don’t want more…well I would have to meet yours and we could figure this out.  Kids love me.  Just don’t tell them about the “f*ck” part of my vocabulary or that I play whacked out characters all over New York.

And I am writing a book!  With a literary agent and everything…no deal yet…it is about being married to that gay clown…oh that’s right he was a clown too.  And I am sometimes a clown, trying to get out of it….but it is honestly how I make a portion of my income.  I dress up in a huge red skirt and go by the name Lulu.  Have you freaked out yet?  You probably have stopped reading at this point, or your just doing it out of curiosity.  I am a regular walking freakshow.  I have actually worked at the Freakshow, a few times…mainly as an emcee or comedian…down at Coney Island.

So if you aren’t a socially awkward man, and you don’t mind that I am a starving artist, and I don’t have a normal job.  Or that I was married to a gay man…and that I am out late when I am performing shows and all of that…we could be the perfect match. 🙂

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Divorce – The Blame Game and the many shades of gray

Date: January 10, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Divorce, Gay Husband, Relationships, Straight Spouse
Comments: 9 Replies

Marriage

So I am starting this one worked up again, as that is usually what compels me to write.  One of the things that kind of drives me crazy with divorce is the “blame the victim” mentality.  That is, for some there is never a victim in a divorce, that both sides of the conflict must share the blame of the split and they won’t budge from that viewpoint.  Another blogger, who I absolutely won’t mention as I don’t want to give him publicity or attention cherry-picked one of my articles.

This is how he quoted me.

By her third sentences, she regrets having acted as she tells others they should not — “but not completely.” Why? you may ask. No need: Her run-on sentence goes on to say that she was “mad, extremely mad at my husband who had been…” blah, blah, blah.

Those blah, blah, blahs….that he left out were in fact quite important.  I wrote the following.

I was mad, extremely mad at my husband who had been lying to me for years and living as a closeted homosexual. I had nine years of sacrifice and struggle to keep a relationship together that was ultimately a fraud at its core.

My critic also goes on to criticize me for basically taking none of the blame of my divorce.  And to quote him directly, he claims

“I was 100% right and he was 100% wrong” story.

I hate to break it to this self-proclaimed divorce expert, but sometimes…divorces really are that lopsided.  I can think of my example, and most straight spouses.  A straight spouse is someone who was misled by a closeted homosexual into believing that they entered a marriage with a heterosexual partner.  In some cases, the straight spouse may know beforehand that their partner is gay, has gay tendencies or a gay past and they choose to marry them anyway.  However usually the closeted partner will go to extreme lengths to hide their sexuality.  When the truth is finally revealed what is the straight spouse to do to save the marriage?  Continue to live a lie?  Live a non-traditional marriage perhaps having new sexual partners, but remaining in a sham marriage? My ex-husband begged me to stay with him, work out an arrangement, live with him in a fraud, he was willing to do almost anything to keep me.  I didn’t want to live a lie anymore so I left him.

The only exception I can think of is that if a gay partner and a straight partner choose to stay in a relationship and everything is above-board and honest.  I know of a few examples of non-traditional relationships that work quite well.  But in my situation deception was the only thing keeping my marriage together.  And I knew that by keeping my ex-husband in the closet would ultimately destroy him.  Because “the closet” is a horrible, miserable existence.

If anything by leaving my husband I released him from this destructive self-loathing.   So I am not going to take half of the blame for my divorce.  I was fully committed to my husband, I never had an extramarital affair and that was even after my marriage became celibate.   I put up with lies and excuses because I was dedicated to making my marriage work.

There are other examples of blame not going evenly to both partners, such as

  • One partner is physically abusing the other or abusing the couples children
  • One partner is a serial cheater and has not been faithful to their spouse and cannot be faithful to any partner
  • One partner is leading a secret life that puts his or her family in jeopardy.  i.e. criminal activity without the other partners knowledge
  • One partner is mentally ill and refuses to get treatment
  • One partner has a substance abuse problem and refuses treatment
  • One partner marries the other for a green card or other fraudulent reason

I know it might seem impossible for my critic to admit that there charming yet nefarious people out there who have absolutely no intention of keeping their marriage vows, but these situations are quite common.  I blame myself for picking the wrong partner, but I won’t take responsibility for his lies.

In some marriages both parties have made multiple mistakes, or perhaps entered into the union before they were ready.  They may have both been emotionally abusive to one another or had extramarital affairs.  Financial or lifestyle issues and lack of communication might tear them apart.  Or they simply could have grown into two very different people than when they entered the marriage.  In these cases there are many shades of gray.  Even infidelity sometimes occurs because one partner simply wants out desperately and is looking for any excuse to end it.  They have an affair, admit it immediately and their marriage is over.  Not exactly a serial cheater who lied for years, but a desperate person looking for and end to a broken marriage.  I have had friends go through nearly every scenario, and in most cases the reasons for a split is very murky.  Neither side can blame the other without taking some blame themselves.  But when one spouse enters into a marriage with a secret and lies, there is little the other spouse can do to change that.

Human relationships aren’t so neat and tidy or democratic.   So to those who insist that I or any other spouse like myself should accept responsibility for a person who repeatedly lied during the marriage I say they are way off base.  The best thing we can do is avoid picking another deceptive partner and move forward.

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