Archives

On Being a Straight Spouse – The Problem with Sexual Fluidity

Date: January 23, 2019
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Gay Husband, Mixed Orientation Marriage, Relationships, Straight Spouse, Uncategorized
Comments: 2 Replies
clean clear cold drink

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

I am not a sexual therapist or an expert on human sexuality.  I’m a straight spouse.  I’ve lived with the many challenges of being married to a partner who concealed his true sexual orientation.  Since going public with my story I’ve met countless other straight spouses and heard their stories.  One of the most complicated and vexing aspects about being in a mixed orientation marriage is sexual fluidity.

Plenty of people are bisexual, pansexual or any number of variations of sexually fluid.   They are attracted to partners of both genders and in some cases all gender identifications.  There’s absolutely nothing wrong with existing in the space between gay and straight.  Some well-meaning therapists will actually promote the idea that all human beings are sexually fluid and that everyone is bisexual.  That might seem like a healthy attitude towards human sexuality until you consider a closeted person trapped in a mixed orientation marriage.  Not only does this prolong the suffering of both spouses, it makes it more difficult for the gay spouse to live an authentic life.  Telling someone they are sexually fluid when they are really gay could amount to abuse depending on the circumstances.  Just imagine a therapist actively and aggressively influencing a gay person to believe they are truly straight.  Why is it OK to promote the idea of sexual fluidity over other sexual orientations?

Straight spouses often have the concept of sexual fluidity thrown back in our faces.

Well I guess you turned your husband gay.  (Fluidity implies that sexuality can be changed)

If you really loved each other you could work this out, sex is just sex. (Everyone is sexually fluid, you can force yourself to be more accepting)

If you supported her better she would have never turned to women. (Since sexuality is fluid, then an outside force could influence it.)

If you don’t accept your husband is bisexual then you’re projecting your own sexual insecurities on to him.  Open your mind and accept that you’re bisexual yourself.

Today I saw yet another headline that just caused me to roll my eyes.  There’s no such thing as completely straight.  A few months ago I saw another headline which declared “Straight people don’t exist.”

If you read closely nearly all of these articles cite the exact same study.  What appears at first as multiple articles all arriving at the same conclusion.  It’s really just one study repeated in any number of websites and publications.  A lone scientific study is not enough to form a consensus.   If you don’t believe me just google anything about the optimal diet for humans and you’ll see an avalanche of contradictory and competing information.  The leap from a peer-reviewed scientific journal to a pop culture blog is based on click bait more than scientific advancement.  The studies that will garner the most salacious or outrageous headlines will get promoted all over cyber space.  An in-depth investigation about impotence rates in elderly men with dementia is far less likely to end up on Broadly, Cosmopolitan or Jezebel.  A study declaring “Straight people don’t exist.” will get plastered all over the internet.

When I have dared argue against these ludicrous proclamations I’ve been labeled uptight, close-minded or even a bigot or homophobe.

There is one huge glaring flaw with the idea that everyone is bisexual.   Imagine saying the following to a gay person.

Of course you’re straight, everyone is straight.  You have to stop being so close-minded.

The only reason you don’t want to admit that you’re straight is due to a fear of your own sexuality.

It’s uptight attitudes like yours that are oppressing others.  If you are gay then you’re just a tiny minority of people on the far ends of the spectrum.   Nearly everyone is straight, stop being such a bigot.

It’s science, why would you argue against science?  If the science says all women are straight then all women are straight.

Now take those same statements and replace the word straight with bisexual.  Similar remarks were made to me when I dared to disagree with the idea that “Everyone is bisexual.”  The people who made those statements were trying so hard to stand up for bisexuals that they didn’t realize they were completely negating gay people.

No one likes an outsider telling them who they are or how they should identify.  LGBT folks often hear harsh statements regarding their sexuality.  Such as:

How do you know you don’t like men if you’ve never had one before?

I could turn you straight, you could be my project.

The right woman could change you.  She’d get you off those boys for good.

There’s not such thing as bisexual, you’re just gay and trying to figure it out.

How could a person be bisexual?  I just don’t get that.  You’re just straight and want attention.

So where do these bold claims regarding universal bisexuality come from?   One of the ways researchers test sexual arousal is to place sensors on a person’s genitals as they view various pornographic material.  Arousal is then based on the amount of blood flow to the area along with bodily secretions.  The problem with this type of research is that women respond to everything – pornography with men, pornography with women and even images of one nonhuman primate mating on camera.  This has led some researchers to conclude that all women are bisexual.  Other researchers decided that testing women for sexual arousal in the same way that is used to test men is simply unreliable.   To quote “The Problem with Sexual Arousal Studies” by Alice Dreger.

The vagina is not the homologue to the penis. The penis’s homologue is the clitoris. The vagina comes from different embryological tissue altogether, so why should we expect it to behave in a way that is comparable to the penis? The reason the clitoris gets an erection when a woman is sexually excited, the reason most women don’t reach orgasm via their vaginas, is because the clitoris is the organ that corresponds to the penis.

Another method of testing sexual arousal is measuring pupil dilation.  The test is similar, researchers show images and then test the amount of dilation in a person’s pupil.  Simply being aroused by an image doesn’t mean the subject wants to have sex with whatever they’re watching.  Some women inexplicably enjoy watching gay male porn, whereas some straight men enjoy lesbian porn.  Does that mean they are only attracted to gay people of the opposite sex?  I kind of doubt it.

One of the biggest glaring flaws with this type of research is that we don’t live in a cultural vacuum.  Sexualized images are used heavily in the media and advertising to sell everything from shampoo to snack foods.  Nearly all of that sexualized imagery is of women – disembodied legs, breasts, lips, buttocks and silhouettes.  Even though men appear in advertising far more than women do, when women make an appearance they are often young and sexualized.  We have conditioned ourselves to just accept women as sexual objects.  A woman might get turned on by a photo of a naked woman simply because she’s been conditioned to sexualize all naked women.

Sexual orientation is much more than just sexual attraction or sex.  Most human beings can have sex with just about anyone, including people they are repulsed by if the price is right or if their life depended upon it.  In cultures where homosexuality is severely stigmatized many men and women find themselves in miserable scenarios.  They might go through the motions with their spouses while secretly longing to live a very different existence.

The othe shortcoming with any study about human sexuality is that most people do not participate in such studies.  Since volunteers are self-selecting they are far more likely sexually adventurous or have exhibitionist traits.  Not everyone is going to want strangers placing sensors on their genitals or measuring their secretions.  Many adults wouldn’t even want to watch pornography in front of strangers much less have their bodies prodded and probed as they do so.

Even the pioneer of human sexual research, Alfred Kinsey, ran into this problem.  Kinsey couldn’t get the typical housewife or businessman to agree to be a part of his research.  Most of the people who volunteered for Kinsey’s study were sex workers, men recruited in gay bars or prisoners.  As Alan Branch points out in “Alfred Kinsey: A Brief Summary and Critique”

A closer look at Kinsey’s research reveals many problems with his findings. The most glaring problem with his data is the source of his sample. While the sample for Sexual Behavior in the Human Male numbered over 5,000, a disproportionate number came from prison inmates, many of whom were sex offenders.  The Kinsey team interviewed some African Americans, but their data was not included in the tabulations. Furthermore, Kinsey over-sampled people recruited via homosexual-friendly organizations or magazines. College students also represented a disproportionate number of his sample. Jones and Yarhouse rightly critique these problems with Kinsey’s sample and say: “This is obviously not the type of methodology a person would implement if he or she were trying to get a representative outlook on the sexual behavior of the general population.”In many ways, Kinsey’s sample assured he found what he was hoping to find:  statistical confirmation of sexually adventurous behavior.

Now this is not negating Kinsey’s groundbreaking work.  It’s simply pointing out that his results might be skewed towards the more sexually adventurous among us.  Promoting the idea that EVERYONE is bisexual also subtly implies that orientation is a choice. If we truly were attracted to both sexes then we could switch back and forth at will.  Again most gay people would disagree with this assessment.

Another aspect regarding the promotion of the idea that “everyone is bisexual” is that it plays into the fears and paranoia of anti-LGBT hate mongers.  When researchers declare EVERYONE is a little bit gay, it feeds into conspiracy theories and hysteria about a factious gay agenda.  Anti-LGBT crusaders will pick up on the same articles and declare it proves the LGBT community wants to convert everyone to a gay lifestyle.  Click bait headlines tend to elicit histrionic responses.

We should celebrate the many variations of human sexuality that exist on the spectrum between consenting adults.  Sexual orientation is far more than secretions, dilated pupils and flawed blood flow monitors.  When do experts tell others how they should identify anyway?  I thought that was the exact opposite of embracing the many different variants of healthy sexual expression.  The next time someone posts a 200 – 300 word declaration denouncing your sexual orientation you can rest assured that if you were straight or gay before you read it, you’re still very much straight or gay afterward.

If you’re a straight spouse and you’re dealing with what you believe is a gay partner who is still clinging to the idea of sexual fluidity you have my sympathies.  Your spouse might very well be bisexual or sexually fluid. They might also be trapped in denial and terrified to truly allow themselves to fully embrace the fact that they’re gay.  It’s never easy.  Hang in there.  If you feel like your therapist is not listening to you or only focusing on your partner find a new one.  If you think they are pushing an agenda and not actually dealing with your reality find a new doctor.  Ultimately what it comes down to is your own authenticity.   Whatever path you and your partner decide upon should be based in mutual trust and honesty.

Related Articles 

Follow me on Twitter https://twitter.com/JulietJeske

Add me on Facebook Juliet Jeske Facebook Fan Page

From a Straight Spouse: Some People are Gay…Get Over It!

Date: June 17, 2016
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Gay Husband, Gay Rights, LGTB Community, Same Sex Marriage, Straight Spouse, Uncategorized
Comments: Leave a reply

SPAGGOI_edited_1

When I learned that the shooter in the Orlando massacre showed signs of being a latent or closeted homosexual my heart dropped in my chest.  It somehow hurt even more to know that part of what drove him to murder 49 innocent people was his own deep-seated self-hatred. I do not pity the shooter.  I pity a culture that reinforces the notion that being gay is a shortcoming, weakness, defect, perversion or a sin.  I pity his hateful father who admonished homosexuality days after the massacre.  The same man who used to insult his son by calling him gay and taught him to hate himself.   I pity him because he’s a pathetic excuse for a human being who will only be remembered for raising someone capable of such a horrific act.  My deepest sympathies go to the friends and families of the fallen, and every LGBTQ person who will feel less safe as a result of such an attack.

Despite the outpouring of support from people all over the country, I knew there would be a backlash.  It wasn’t enough that worst shooting in US history targeted the LGBTQ community, the critics of homosexuality had to get their digs in before the bodies were cold..  The first blow came in the form of a tweet by Dan Patrick the fiercely anti-LGBTQ Lt. Governor of Texas just two hours after the shooting.

Do not be deceived, God will not be mocked.  A man reaps what he sows.

He claimed the bible verse was randomly selected beforehand but he also posted it on his Facebook account three hours later even after numerous complaints on his twitter feed.

Then there was the video of a fringe Baptist Pastor Roger Jimenez

‘What if you asked me, “Hey, are you sad that 50 pedophiles were killed today?” Um, no, I think that’s great,’ he told his followers, some of whom laughed. ‘I think that helps society. I think Orlando, Florida, is a little safer tonight. The tragedy is that more of them didn’t die. I’m kind of upset that he didn’t finish the job

Twitter was ablaze with homophobic rants and rhetoric.  ThoughtCatalog compiled a list of the worst.

One simply stated

At least it was gays this time and not innocent people

The blood of the victims was probably still fresh on the ground when these comments were made.  I get worked up about this topic because my life has been negatively affected by homophobia.  My ex-husband was a self-loathing closeted gay man who thought he could change himself.  I was unaware of his struggle with his sexual orientation and became collateral damage in his war with himself.   Instead of living his life authentically and honestly, he lived a miserable existence in hiding.  If he felt he could have lived his life happily and fulfilled as a gay man,  we both would have been much better off.  There are millions of other straight spouses like myself, and children who have been through the emotionally wrenching experience of a mixed orientation marriage. The hatred of LGBTQ people extends much further out than just the LGBTQ community.  It hurts their families, friends, and our culture as a whole.  Although LGBTQ men and women have made great strides in recent years, incidents like the massacre in Orlando prove we have a long way to go before true acceptance is possible.

I am not sure if I’ll reach anyone in my intended audience with this article, but I’m just so sick of the hate.  No one wins when LGBTQ men and women are shamed, labeled as sinners or treated like second-hand citizens. Homophobes use all sorts of reasoning to justify their hate, so I’ve compiled the most common ones here and intend to challenge all of them.

Homosexulaity and sin – Everyone has a right to their own religious views, but we live in a country with a multitude of faiths and belief systems..  I won’t break down every religion, religious text or reasoning for the condemnations of homosexuality.  That wouldn’t just be a blog article, it could fill several volumes.  In a secular nation, one person’s religion does not trump another person’s civil rights.   I don’t know how love can be sinful, and I know many loving LGBTQ couples.  Many of them are also devoted parents.  I’m agnostic myself, but it’s hard to imagine how any loving God would be against a healthy, happy, loving relationships between two consenting adults.

Gay people cannot be changed or converted through therapy.  – I could write several hundred pages on this, but instead I’ll just provide this handy link and quote about the widely derided conversion therapy.

To quote the Southern Poverty Law Center 

Conversion therapy – sometimes known as reparative or “sexual reorientation” therapy – is a dangerous practice based on the premise that people can change their sexual orientation, literally “converting” from gay to straight. Conversion therapy has been discredited or highly criticized by virtually all major American medical, psychiatric, psychological and professional counseling organizations.

People who have undergone conversion therapy have reported increased anxiety, depression, and in some cases, suicidal ideation.

Being gay is not a sickness or a mental illness – The medical community hasn’t believed that since 1973.  To quote psychiatrytoday.com 

In 1973 the American Psychiatric Association’s Board of Trustees removed homosexuality from its official diagnostic manual, The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Second Edition (DSM II). The action was taken following a review of the scientific literature and consultation with experts in the field. The experts found that homosexuality does not meet the criteria to be considered a mental illness.

Openly gay people are not a sign of the collapse of society  – LGBTQ men and women have been around since the dawn of humanity and have always been a part of the spectrum of human sexuality.  LGBTQ people have existed even in places where the punishment for homosexual behavior was death.   In some Native American tribes homosexuality and gender fluidity was not only tolerated, it was revered.   To quote http://www.dancingtoeaglespiritsociety.org/

It is told that women engaged in tribal warfare and married other women, as there were men who married other men. These individuals were looked upon as a third and fourth gender in many cases and in almost all cultures they were honoured and revered. Two-spirit people were often the visionaries, the healers, the medicine people, the nannies of orphans, the caregivers They were respected as fundamental components of our ancient culture and societies

Homosexuality is not unnatural. –  A common argument is that since homosexual sex does not lead to procreation then it must be against the laws of nature.  Homosexuality is also expressed in over 450 different animal species on this planet.  Obviously humans aren’t the only species that has non-reproductive sex.

HIV is not a plague sent to wipe out gay men  – Sexually transmitted diseases are not limited to the LGBTQ community. Although HIV rates are higher among gay men than the general population, anyone under the right circumstances can contract HIV.  HIV is also not the killer it once was, as most patients live long lives if they get early treatment.   Daily medications like PreP also can prevent the spread of the virus.   It’s also not the only potentially lethal STD. From the 15th century until the discovery of antibiotics Syphilis infections ravaged Europe.  Even today if left untreated Syphilis can cause disfigurement, brain damage, and eventually death.  HIV isn’t a plague to wipe out any specific group, it is simply another nasty sexually transmitted pathogen.

Gay men are pedophiles who abuse children and turn them gay –  Every time I hear this one I slightly lose my mind, so I’m going to write this in all caps!  THIS MYTH HAS BEEN WIDELY DISCREDITED MULTIPLE TIMES!  IN STUDY AFTER STUDY OVER THE COURSE OF DECADES RESEARCH DOES NOT LINK HOMOSEXAULITY TO PEDOPHILA!!!!!  To quote the Southern Poverty Law Center 

According to the American Psychological Association, children are not more likely to be molested by LGBTQ parents or their LGBTQ friends or acquaintances. Gregory Herek, a professor at the University of California, Davis, who is one of the nation’s leading researchers on prejudice against sexual minorities, reviewed a series of studies and found no evidence that gay men molest children at higher rates than heterosexual men.

The Child Molestation Research & Prevention Institute notes that 90% of child molesters target children in their network of family and friends, and the majority are men married to women. Most child molesters, therefore, are not gay people lingering outside schools waiting to snatch children from the playground, as much religious-right rhetoric suggests.

When children see a same-sex couple holding hands, kissing or locked in a loving embrace it won’t scar them or cause them to turn gay.  – If two adults are showing affection in a fairly conservative way – holding hands, walking arm in arm and kissing – it’s not going to harm anyone else around them.  A child is not going to suddenly think they are gay after observing two gay adults.  Sexual orientation is deeply rooted into a person’s psyche.  If you were to ask most LGBTQ people when they knew they were gay they would answer it’s something they’ve always known.  No event flipped the switch in their heads from straight to gay.  If anything young adults who come out sooner as LGBTQ are less likely to get married to a straight partner.  They are less likely to live a confused and tortured existence.   If a child who will ultimately grow up to be gay sees a loving same-sex couple together, they are more likely to grow up without self-hatred.

There is no “gay agenda” – I can’t even humor this one.  The only “agenda” LGBTQ people have is to live like anyone else.  They aren’t out to recruit the rest of the world or change anyone else’s sexual orientation.

Homophobia claims many victims –  LGBTQ youth are more than twice as likely to try to commit suicide than their straight peers. Studies have shown that 15 to 43 percent of LGBTQ people as well as 90 percent of transgender men and women have faced some sort of harassment or discrimination in the workforce.  In 28 states it’s still perfectly legal to fire someone because of their sexual orientation.  Even in 2016 children are still rejected by their families for coming out.

LGBTQ men and women are not going to go back into hiding.  No amount of hateful rhetoric, bullets or bombs that will stop anyone from being gay.  We need to come out of the dark ages and accept people for who they are.  I want to grab the father of the shooter and every other homophobe by both shoulders, look them dead in the eyes and scream

The real sickness in our culture is not homosexuals but the hatred and bigotry expressed towards them!

All the hate in the world can’t stop love, and sexual orientation is much more than just sex.  LGBTQ men and women love their partners with the same intensity and devotion as any straight person would.   Some people are gay, and the haters should just get used to it.

Follow me on Twitter https://twitter.com/JulietJeske

Add me on Facebook Juliet Jeske Facebook Fan Page