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Unconditional Love – Why it is such a bad idea

Date: February 13, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Depression, Divorce, Gay Husband, Relationships, Straight Spouse, Uncategorized
Comments: 8 Replies
unconditional.

Image via Wikipedia

I have a feeling this post might upset some people.  But I have thought that before and it hasn’t stopped me yet.  As Valentine’s Day approaches I think of the cliché line that is often uttered in Victorian novels, romantic comedies and tales of epic romances.

I will always love you, unconditionally

I find this statement not just unrealistic but downright dangerous.  The only vessels on this earth that should receive unconditional love are children and pets.  For one adult to pledge to unconditionally love another adult is a little fantastical.  As we all have conditions on lovers and their behavior.  Many a lifetime has been destroyed trying to live up to this myth that true love will conquer all, or that somehow no matter what the obstacles love will live forever.  I would agree that if the obstacles and stresses are external that this type of love should be striven for in every intimate relationship.  For instance, if one is stricken with a horrible disease it is noble and inspirational if their partner stays by their side through thick and thin.  That kind of unconditional love is a beautiful thing that we should all hope and strive for in this life.

But what if one partner begins to abuse, damage or hurt the other partner?    What if they have sexual relationships outside the relationship without the other partners consent?  What if one repeatedly puts their own needs before their partners?  What if one weaves a tapestry of lies and deception living a secret life without their partner’s knowledge?  Is it right to love them unconditionally despite this extremely destructive and hurtful behavior?  Abusive behavior should not be brushed aside due to some vow of “unconditional” love.  We should never become a doormat to an idea or notion that is unattainable.  I stayed in my marriage years longer than I should have because I thought that if I loved my husband enough, that it would save the marriage.  But my marriag,e constructed of lies more than anything else, was not salvageable.  I had no hope in keeping it together no matter what I did.

I know of some relationships that take great pride in the length that they have survived as a couple, yet some of these relationships are no more than two co-dependent toxic people who cannot live without each other.  I think of the example of the play Who’s Afraid of Virgina Wolf  in which Martha and George, have been together for over two decades in a relationship of constant bickering, fighting and mutual destruction.   The main forces keeping them together being fear, co-dependence and alcoholism.  Is that “unconditional” love?  We all know couples in our real lives that exist this way and they are nothing to envy.

I also used to find it romantic when a spouse would lose another due to death and then never remarry.  After my divorce I find that notion horribly depressing and sad.  Sad that the surviving spouse was never able to make that same kind of connection with another human being.   They should still love and honor their deceased partner, but with enough time to grieve should try to find someone new to let into their life.  As most partner’s would not want their surviving spouse to remain lonely forever.

Unconditional love  is ultimately self-destructive unless it is unconditional love for ourselves.  I am not saying that we should love ourselves in such a way that we don’t see our short-comings, poor choices or mistakes.  We should never see ourselves as anything but the flawed human beings that we are, but if anything we should have so much love for ourselves that we don’t allow another to treat us in such destructive ways.   And to hell to the silly novels, lame romantic comedies and articles in Cosmopolitan that tell us otherwise.  A healthy adult relationship should have boundaries and conditions.  To love someone who is abusive to you is not love, and it is nothing noble it is a form of self-loathing if nothing else.

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Divorce – The Blame Game and the many shades of gray

Date: January 10, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Divorce, Gay Husband, Relationships, Straight Spouse
Comments: 9 Replies

Marriage

So I am starting this one worked up again, as that is usually what compels me to write.  One of the things that kind of drives me crazy with divorce is the “blame the victim” mentality.  That is, for some there is never a victim in a divorce, that both sides of the conflict must share the blame of the split and they won’t budge from that viewpoint.  Another blogger, who I absolutely won’t mention as I don’t want to give him publicity or attention cherry-picked one of my articles.

This is how he quoted me.

By her third sentences, she regrets having acted as she tells others they should not — “but not completely.” Why? you may ask. No need: Her run-on sentence goes on to say that she was “mad, extremely mad at my husband who had been…” blah, blah, blah.

Those blah, blah, blahs….that he left out were in fact quite important.  I wrote the following.

I was mad, extremely mad at my husband who had been lying to me for years and living as a closeted homosexual. I had nine years of sacrifice and struggle to keep a relationship together that was ultimately a fraud at its core.

My critic also goes on to criticize me for basically taking none of the blame of my divorce.  And to quote him directly, he claims

“I was 100% right and he was 100% wrong” story.

I hate to break it to this self-proclaimed divorce expert, but sometimes…divorces really are that lopsided.  I can think of my example, and most straight spouses.  A straight spouse is someone who was misled by a closeted homosexual into believing that they entered a marriage with a heterosexual partner.  In some cases, the straight spouse may know beforehand that their partner is gay, has gay tendencies or a gay past and they choose to marry them anyway.  However usually the closeted partner will go to extreme lengths to hide their sexuality.  When the truth is finally revealed what is the straight spouse to do to save the marriage?  Continue to live a lie?  Live a non-traditional marriage perhaps having new sexual partners, but remaining in a sham marriage? My ex-husband begged me to stay with him, work out an arrangement, live with him in a fraud, he was willing to do almost anything to keep me.  I didn’t want to live a lie anymore so I left him.

The only exception I can think of is that if a gay partner and a straight partner choose to stay in a relationship and everything is above-board and honest.  I know of a few examples of non-traditional relationships that work quite well.  But in my situation deception was the only thing keeping my marriage together.  And I knew that by keeping my ex-husband in the closet would ultimately destroy him.  Because “the closet” is a horrible, miserable existence.

If anything by leaving my husband I released him from this destructive self-loathing.   So I am not going to take half of the blame for my divorce.  I was fully committed to my husband, I never had an extramarital affair and that was even after my marriage became celibate.   I put up with lies and excuses because I was dedicated to making my marriage work.

There are other examples of blame not going evenly to both partners, such as

  • One partner is physically abusing the other or abusing the couples children
  • One partner is a serial cheater and has not been faithful to their spouse and cannot be faithful to any partner
  • One partner is leading a secret life that puts his or her family in jeopardy.  i.e. criminal activity without the other partners knowledge
  • One partner is mentally ill and refuses to get treatment
  • One partner has a substance abuse problem and refuses treatment
  • One partner marries the other for a green card or other fraudulent reason

I know it might seem impossible for my critic to admit that there charming yet nefarious people out there who have absolutely no intention of keeping their marriage vows, but these situations are quite common.  I blame myself for picking the wrong partner, but I won’t take responsibility for his lies.

In some marriages both parties have made multiple mistakes, or perhaps entered into the union before they were ready.  They may have both been emotionally abusive to one another or had extramarital affairs.  Financial or lifestyle issues and lack of communication might tear them apart.  Or they simply could have grown into two very different people than when they entered the marriage.  In these cases there are many shades of gray.  Even infidelity sometimes occurs because one partner simply wants out desperately and is looking for any excuse to end it.  They have an affair, admit it immediately and their marriage is over.  Not exactly a serial cheater who lied for years, but a desperate person looking for and end to a broken marriage.  I have had friends go through nearly every scenario, and in most cases the reasons for a split is very murky.  Neither side can blame the other without taking some blame themselves.  But when one spouse enters into a marriage with a secret and lies, there is little the other spouse can do to change that.

Human relationships aren’t so neat and tidy or democratic.   So to those who insist that I or any other spouse like myself should accept responsibility for a person who repeatedly lied during the marriage I say they are way off base.  The best thing we can do is avoid picking another deceptive partner and move forward.

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Life After Divorce – Kiddie Table Banishment

Date: December 7, 2011
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Divorce, Gay Husband, Relationships, Straight Spouse, Uncategorized
Comments: 2 Replies

English: Saying grace before carving the turke...

No one likes to talk about it.  But I have heard from a few friends that post-divorce this problem is quite common.  There is some real estate that is downright coveted come holiday time.  And sometimes post-divorce you lose your stake at it.  And that real estate would be getting a seat at the adult table during holiday meals.  This doesn’t apply to everyone, as not everyone has a huge extended family.  Or if they do they at least have a big enough table so that everyone can sit together.   But for many families, it is simply not possible to put all the adults together and there comes a point when you just don’t want to sit at the kiddie table anymore.

It usually goes like this, when you are married and you come home for the holidays no one would dream of putting you at the kids table.  Just as it is assumed that you will also be expected to send out Christmas or Chanukah cards now that you are a married adult, it is also assumed that your spouse will not be forced to sit and eat with your nine-year old niece.  So things are done, seating arrangements adjusted so that your new addition to the family will not suffer the fate of being treated like a child.  When you get divorced however, everything can change.  Especially when a new member of your generation gets married that year.  Suddenly you find your status lowered.  Much like a single person with no date at a wedding, you are not going to get prime seating.  You instead end up at the table with misfits, and in this case the misfits have bibs, braces or acne.   Or worse yet, it is all of your fellow divorced adult cousins or siblings.  The table of rejects, the table of shame.

Well I say instead of coveting a seat with the adults, look at it this way.  Sure it is the table where wine is openly served but the conversation can drift to octogenarians complaining about their medications and health problems, or a crazy uncle trying to convert everyone to his conspiracy theory political beliefs so look on the bright side.  You now get to sit with the fun crew.  They might even break out into song or start a food fight.

The holidays are horrible anyway when you are newly divorced because even if you wanted desperately out of the marriage it seems every single thing around you is sending a message that you are somehow broken and sad because you are no longer one half of a couple.  Instead of being defeated by your new status of adult child, just think about the perks.

  • No one will expect a holiday card from you this year or one of those annoying family photo cards
  • You get to hang with children where you can openly mock everything without judgment
  • You can bring your own bottle of wine and drink it all by yourself
  • No one will judge you for what you eat or how fast you eat it
  • You can learn about video games, cartoons and comic books
  • Everyone at the kiddie table will eat pie, so just bask in the joy of eating pie with children!

I never understood why people always dreaded the holidays until I got divorced, and now I understand the holiday dread all too well.  But instead of being defeated by it, I am just going to party with my nine-year old niece and bask in the joys of being a misfit at the table of freaks!

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Divorce – It’s more than just a breakup

Date: November 29, 2011
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Divorce, New York City, Relationships, Uncategorized
Comments: 7 Replies
Divorce Cakes a_006

Divorce Cakes a_006 (Photo credit: DrJohnBullas)

One of the most annoying things that I heard repeatedly after I left my husband was the following.

“I just broke up with my boyfriend, I know exactly how you feel”

I know that my friends who told me that were trying to make me feel better.  They were trying to show empathy and a shared experience with mine.  But a relationship even a long-term one with cohabitation is not the same as a marriage.  If it was then same-sex couples wouldn’t be fighting for the right to marry all over this country.  For starters there is the ceremony.  When you start dating someone you don’t throw a “Hey look we just started dating party” you might have a housewarming if you move in together but with a marriage there are usually one or more bridal showers, an engagement party, a bachelorette party and finally the big obnoxious wedding.    I remember mine as if it was yesterday and when I stood there in the dress facing both sides of our collective families turning to watch me walk down that aisle I thought to myself.

So this is why we have weddings, to guilt us into staying together.

All of these parties, rituals and ceremonies add to the sense of permanence to the union.   Your families become legally linked to one another, everything becomes part of the public record.   And although getting married is easy enough, getting out of it can be a quagmire.

For instance I always wanted to say to the person who just broke up with their non-spouse partner.

  • Did you have to go to a lawyer to break up?
  • Do you have any stocks or mutual funds in both of your names?
  • Do you have property with this person?
  • Do you have children?
  • Did you just have to go do your taxes with your ex?
  • Do you live in fear that your ex will financially ruin you before the divorce is final?
  • Do you have to pay alimony to your ex-partner?
  • Is your partner hiding marital assets or income earned during the marriage?
  • Is your ex contesting the split or slowing the process down?

As difficult as a breakup is, even a long-term live-in partner is not the same as a husband or wife.  With some long-term relationships shared assets or children might be an issue but in most cases they are not.  With a boyfriend or girlfriend you can usually just walk away.  You don’t have to go to court, you don’t have to file for legal separation, you don’t have to protect your assets.  The only real legal benefit to being non-married is that if you have your own health insurance you don’t have to worry about losing it when you get divorced.  Because of all of the legal ramifications, especially with those involving children divorces in some states can drag on for years before they are resolved.

I had a non-contested divorce with few assets and my ex and I spent over $2,000 on the divorce and I had to go to court about five times before it was over.  Since I was the one who filed, I was the one who had to appear to drive the paperwork through the system.  I remember waiting in line trying to hold back tears to get my certified copy of my divorce.  I had to get this document to split in half some of our assets and to legally declare to the universe that we were no longer husband and wife.  Our divorce was easy, it only took eight months in NY state, but some of my friends with children are still battling with their exes years later.  Eight months, thousands of dollars and multiple court appearances isn’t exactly the same as moving my stuff out of a boyfriend’s apartment.

But putting all of the legal and financial ramifications aside, there is still a sense of permanence of forever that exists in marriage that doesn’t exist in the same way as it would in a non-legally binding relationship.  There is something about that big day and the hopes and dreams of both of your extended families that makes it feel like it won’t end.  It is why we have big rituals surrounding marriage, it is supposed to be something higher, something larger than just two people living together.  And it is exactly why the fall is much harder.  Of my divorced friends I honestly don’t know anyone who didn’t go through some level of hell.  For some the day of reckoning took a while to show up, and for others it was immediate, but they all went through some major trauma even if they wanted desperately out of the marriage.  Divorce is not just a breakup, so the next time someone tries to tell you that, just nod and smile, they know not what they say.

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Life After Divorce: The Clean Slate

Date: October 17, 2011
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating After Divorce, Depression, Divorce, Gay Husband, New York City, Relationships, Straight Spouse, Uncategorized
Comments: 3 Replies
chalkboard

chalkboard (Photo credit: Charlottes Photo Gallery)

There are few times in our lives when we can simply cut people out of our lives without apology or explanation.  One of the greatest things about my divorce was dumping a large part of my ex-husbands social and professional life in one fell swoop.  When you get married you don’t just have your own life anymore, instead two lives become entwined together.  Like the many tentacles of a squid — family, friends and co-workers are part of the animal, and it is difficult to avoid the appendages when dealing with the head.

Although I loved my husband a great deal, I didn’t always care for his friends or creative partners.  My husband was a clown, and when I say clown, I mean clown – a performer who wears big shoes, puts on white makeup and entertains adults and children alike.  My ex has worked with every major circus in the country and extensively throughout Europe and Asia.  He has also been nominated for two Drama Desk Awards for plays he has co-created.  As I would say all the time

“He is kind of a big deal…if you are a clown”

When we first moved to New York we socialized for the most part with other clowns.  I was treated a bit like a “Yoko Ono” figure.  Even though I had been performing since I was a child and had an extensive resume of creating and performing theater, most of the clowns treated me as a star-struck fan that married my husband in order to enter into the world of clowning.  Absurd as that is to imagine, that is what a lot of them thought.  As clowns tend to take themselves and their art form quite seriously, so any outsider who just married a big shot in their field, was automatically viewed with suspicion.  And as with any couple, sometimes when a conflict arose between my husband and one of his collaborators, I would get the blame.  It was much easier to attack me than to actually have a confrontation with the creative genius.

These relationships were further complicated because my husband encouraged me to go into his line of work, mainly because a lot of his gigs were on the road.  So instead of struggling to get work as an actor, I could instead travel the world as a clown with the man I loved.  It might seem an odd career path but it worked out for us for many years.  We worked on cruise ships and traveled the country for various clients and circuses. Our penultimate performance as a clown couple was at Lincoln center for an audience of hundreds.  I knew this life wasn’t going to make us wealthy but I liked the work and it definitely made my husband happy.

When we split, I pretty much lost most of my income.  I wasn’t formally blacklisted but people kept hiring my ex and they stopped hiring me.   And trying to find other employment was next to impossible with the work history  of “clown” during one of the worst recessions in recent decades.  I openly joked that being a clown was the same as working in the sex industry, it was the stain that wouldn’t leave.

On top of this economic blow was the erosion of my support group.  It came in waves, the first to go were my in-laws.  Although they called frequently and we visited them at least once a year as soon as the marriage ended, they immediately cut me off.  The best I got was a voice-mail from my mother-in-law with no follow-up.  Then came the friends of my husband I never liked but tolerated for his sake — the clowns who took themselves very seriously.   I went on facebook blocked all of their profiles, removed their emails, threw out their addresses and deleted them from my phone.  Then the third wave happened it was the strangest and most painful.  Mutual friends rallied around me at first, sympathizing with my situation, but then some of them dropped off and even started to side with my husband.  They chose to support my ex-husband because professionally it made more sense for them to do so.  It was extremely hurtful for me, but at the same time it made me discover who was a true friend, who was an acquaintance and who was dead weight.  After surviving the excruciating ordeal that was my divorce, I really don’t miss the dead weight

When the dust settled, I formed new friendships that will last a lifetime.  My true friends stuck by me, with no sense of obligation and no sense of duty to my spouse.   In the battlefield of my divorce these friendships were only strengthened.  I especially found myself bonding with fellow divorced friends, as they were best suited to understand the many ordeals that come with a divorce.

I still work as a clown, although I am actively looking for ways out of it.   Instead of Lincoln center I now work in living rooms and instead of being flown around the country I take the subway dressed as my alter ego Lulu.  It is truly humbling but at least now I am completely in charge of my destiny, and I am no longer stuck being treated like a sidekick by a bunch of people I never liked in the first place.   And it gives me great comfort that I will never have to sit through a boring dinner party and listen to artistic theories of clowning — some aspects of divorce are downright exhilarating.

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Dating After Divorce – Rebounds and Supernovas

Date: October 13, 2011
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating After Divorce, Divorce, Gay Husband, Relationships, Straight Spouse, Uncategorized
Comments: 9 Replies
English: Pleiades Star Cluster

Image via Wikipedia

I don’t know why they call them rebound relationships.  When I think of a rebound I think of a ball bouncing off of a wall, which is a fairly tame thing.  I now call the first major relationship after leaving my husband the supernova – a collection of stars exploding all at once vaporizing everything in their path, burning bright, hot and fast.  It was a force of nature – so much bigger than a rebound.

I left my husband when I discovered he was a closeted homosexual.  He had been lying to me and to himself for our entire nine-year relationship.   When I left him I was devastated, although the relationship had grown dysfunctional, I was still deeply in love and a dedicated wife.

My marriage had been celibate for a prolonged period of time, and I desperately longed for a relationship with a straight man.  I found it almost too easily and only four months after leaving my husband.  He was a man who I had known casually in my social group of friends.  He was handsome, charming, and we had a lot of the same interests.  We sort of discovered through mutual friends that we both had a crush on each other, so it seemed inevitable that we would end up together. He even remembered the moment we first met years earlier, which was fuzzy to me, but he could recall it in startling detail.  And he resembled a taller, younger version of my husband.  It was as if I had found the straight version of the man I had just left.

I knew it was a dangerous situation and I avoided getting involved at first.  I had so many fears–Was it too soon? Would this end up making my depression worse? Was it because he reminded me of my ex?

But it happened, the universe finally put us together, and for a brief period in my life it was pure magic.  I thought I was the luckiest girl in the world to have fallen from that complete and utter disaster that was my divorce into something that felt so perfect.  And he seemed just as excited as I was; it felt like the ideal love affair.  But the cracks started to form almost immediately.  I was deeply depressed, a depression that is almost too difficult to describe now.  I couldn’t sleep through the night, had difficulty eating, cried constantly, suffered panic attacks, general anxiety, overwhelming fears dominated my thoughts, and my moods would turn on a dime.  I lost 20 pounds and dropped two dress sizes in a few months, had frequent asthma attacks, and was constantly sick; physically, and emotionally I was falling apart.

I also wasn’t used to dating, I was used to being married.  Dating is not anywhere near being married.  I didn’t know how to make the transition; I was suffocating, smothering and desperate for his affection.  I will never know his motivations but I can’t blame him for walking away from an obvious train wreck.  He had his own problems as everyone does, and I was just a disaster of a human being. When it ended it felt like being dropped off an emotional cliff.  I was already so damaged from my divorce and now my first attempt at love was an implosion of epic proportions.

For months I tormented myself over the whole affair beating myself up for all of the mistakes I had made.  I tried to start another relationship only to have that blow up in my face almost the exact same way.  I kept blaming myself, what if I had waited?  What if I had been healthier?  Would either relationship have worked out differently?  Eventually I convinced myself that it didn’t matter.  I would never know that alternate reality and life doesn’t work with a reset button.  The damage was done; the trust was shattered on both sides and couldn’t be repaired.  Feelings were hurt, egos bruised, expectations destroyed and there was no way I could repair any of it.  And I needed to move forward anyway as the whole affair was just collateral damage of my state of mind at the time.  Being clinically depressed is not the best time to start a relationship.

The real source of my anguish was my divorce, so either it would have been this one painful affair or a series of short meaningless flings, but the outcome would have been the same.  I was eventually going to hit rock-bottom.   After an agonizing eight-hour long anxiety attack and three days of very little sleep, I finally bottomed out, and then I got into therapy, briefly went on antidepressants and little by little, month by month, the horrible twisted vice of depression released its grip and I began to have my mind back.  It took nearly two years from the day I left my marriage to finally feel like myself again.   Friendships tarnished and other aspects of my personal and professional life have been negatively affected, but I try to live with a positive outlook and not look back.  Cognitive behavioral therapy is one tool that worked for me and I try to use its tips and tricks every day.

I say it all the time now to anyone newly divorced and I say it even if they are not listening.  Don’t do it.   Give yourself time to heal before you suck someone else into the personal torment that you are inevitably going to experience.  Of course not every divorced person goes through this, as some are happy to leave their spouse, and for them divorce is a new beginning.  But if a person is emotionally crushed, they should avoid getting involved in a serious intimate relationship for a while.

The most important thing that I learned from my supernova experience is that no one else could save me.  No one person has enough love or strength to pull another out of a free fall, especially in a brand new relationship.  I had to do it on my own.  I couldn’t really be available emotionally to another partner when I couldn’t even take care of myself.

Sometimes a person gets lucky and has a perfect love affair immediately after a divorce, but from my own, and most of my friend’s experiences this hasn’t been the case.  So fight the force of nature, hang out with your friends and work on yourself.  Things will get better, but the main thing that you need is time, not another lover.

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Dating After Divorce – Wife Shoppers & Baby Momma Math

Date: September 25, 2011
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating After Divorce, Dating Online, Gay Husband, New York City, Straight Spouse
Comments: 7 Replies
English: A sleeping male baby with his arm ext...

English: A sleeping male baby with his arm extended (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I always thought I would have kids, my husband and I planned to eventually have a family, but at the age of 36 I discovered my husband was a closeted homosexual.  My marriage immediately ended and I entered the dating pool past my prime reproductive years.   I knew it would eventually take time to have healthy relationships again, and I definitely felt like my biological clock wasn’t just ticking but banging loudly like Quasimodo’s bells through my entire body.

Because I am over 35, some men view me as a lousy match if they want to have kids.  I didn’t think it would be this bad, but in my age range I tend to find hook-up artists who never want to settle down, men messed up from a break-up or divorce, extremely socially awkward men with no dating experience and the men I refer to as wife shoppers.   A wife shopper is usually the following

  • Over 40
  • Never Married – No children
  • At the peak of their professional career
  • About to buy property or has just bought property

Wife shoppers are men searching for the future mother of their children.  They make no bones about wanting to start a family and many won’t consider women over the age of 35.  Women do lose reproductive capacity after 35, and in health terms pregnancies in older mothers are deemed higher risk.  Yet none of my extended or immediate family members have had to use any extraordinary means to get pregnant.  In fact, most got pregnant almost too easily, my aunt and my grandmother both having babies in their forties.  So do I have to print out my medical history and that of my extended family and bring it to dates?  Should I put it on my online dating profiles?  Something tells me that bringing up fertility on a first date would cause most men to bolt.

I have discovered most wife shoppers through online dating websites.  Something about online sites just make it too easy for them.  Men can sort of pick the traits they prefer, height, build, eye color, hair color, age, and if a woman wants children.  On dates, a wife shopper will bring up reproducing almost before they have ordered their first drink.  One of the habits I have noticed is something I call baby momma math.  My date will look at me, ask me my age again, and then I watch them adding up how long we would have to date before trying to start a family, and they aren’t exactly subtle about it.  I have also gotten questions right off the bat such as

  • What neighborhood do you think you would want to live in?
  • Private or Public School?
  • How much debt do you have?
  • How many kids would you want to have?
  • Do you have a good relationship with your family?

I don’t remember this ever happening to me when I was in my twenties.  Maybe it’s something about the personality traits of any man who waits until they are at the peak of their career before getting married and having kids.  In their mind they have a checklist and once they have gone down everything else they want to accomplish in life they move on to starting a family.

Having my marriage end the way it did has given me major trust issues to begin with, so the idea of running down the aisle with a man hell-bent on becoming a father is terrifying.  Divorce is hell on earth and the thought of having another divorce only the second time with children is especially nightmarish.  Rushing into a situation in order to have children with a partner I barely know seems like a recipe for another divorce.

Of course women have been doing this sort of thing for ages.  It is almost a cliché of the single woman over a certain age talking about eggs, biological clocks and running out of time.  When I meet a wife shopper, at first I think it is a good sign because at least this man isn’t like the multitudes who just seem to want to get laid and nothing else.  But then I start to feel like little more than a womb.  Keeping a healthy marriage together especially one with children is extremely difficult.  The union between the two adult partners should be the most important thing, communication, lifestyles, goals, and temperaments must work in harmony before the added stress and pressures of children are added to the mix.  I have accepted that having a biological child may not happen for me, as I would rather not bring children into a haphazard marriage situation.  I just wish I could find something in between the hook-up artists and the men who think nothing of ordering up a wife they way they would a sandwich.

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Life After Divorce: Some Basics I try to remind myself of every day

Date: September 15, 2011
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Depression, Divorce, Gay Husband, Relationships, Straight Spouse
Comments: 2 Replies

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This is a blog post from another blog that I used to write, that due to confusion with this blog I am shutting down and moving my better articles over here.  🙂

So I was sort of acting as impromptu counselor for a friend who is facing a separation/divorce.  And I will repeat what I have said numerous times.  Divorce is much different from a regular break up.  You stood before your entire family, you committed your life to another person, you had legal and financial obligations, you had to go to court to actually break up, you have a wedding ring, and on and on and on.   There is just such a perceived permanence to marriage, even with a 50% divorce rate.  If you were betting on a horse, a 50% success rate wouldn’t be so bad, so thinking you might stay together forever isn’t really that far-fetched.

Divorce is hell, I am still over a year from separating from my husband and I still have dark nights of the soul, crying fits for no reason, insomnia, and the occasional panic attack.  I am doing a MILLION TIMES better than I was just a few months ago, but it is still a daily struggle.

But I try to live by these very basic rules every day.  Sometimes I succeed, and sometimes I don’t, but I try and, trying is half the battle. This is sort of what I was telling my friend tonight (who shall remain nameless) and I thought it would be good to write it down.   I get a lot of “Think Positive“ and I think that is a lame way of saying “Be Happy“ for me there is a bit more to it, and I am breaking it down.

1. Don’t Dwell on what You cannot control – Like it or not, we cannot control other people.  I can’t control the main factor that lead to my divorce, so I have to let it go.

2. Get Rid of Crazy People in Your Life – Not exactly crazy people, but people that make me crazy or encourage crazy behavior, especially self-destructive behavior.  Sometimes this is impossible if it is a family member or a roommate but if you can avoid people who make you do crazy things, do it!  They might not even know they make you crazy or are actively trying to make you crazy…..but it doesn’t matter.  People that put you into CRAZYTOWN, should be avoided.

3. Do Not Hurt Yourself – Avoid the trappings that seem like an easy fix to a complex problem, drugs, alcohol, sex with people if it is in a self-destructive way, lashing out at loved ones and friends.  I don’t do any substances and for the most part have avoided dating, but I definitely find ways to mess up my life…..trust me.

4. Surround yourself with supportive people – This one is hard with my crazy schedule but I try, I wish I could do this more often.

5. Focus on the Future not the Past – I think it is important to know your past, but not to dwell on it.  This is HARD especially while in therapy, because in therapy a therapist is usually trying to find a cause to the core problem.  I actually saw my future as a black hole when I left my husband.  I am still extremely uncertain what lies before me, but it is a little less black and more gray now.  🙂

6. Forgive yourself and others for past mistakes – This one is also very difficult for me especially.  I won’t get into it, but because of childhood issues, I have difficulty letting go of things and especially with forgiveness.  My biggest problem is forgiving myself.  I tend to beat myself up over things that I cannot go back and fix.

7. Ask for Help when you need it – This one is beyond hard for me.  It always has been, but I tell myself that I am a weaker person when I DON’T ask for help.  No one is perfect, everyone needs help sometimes.

8. Stop Saying “What if?” –  What if I had not dated so soon after leaving my husband?  What if I had left him earlier?  What if I had never married him in the first place?  Do these questions really do me any good?  NO, they just make me crazy.  And they will never stop, so I have to stop them…..I will never know the answer to WHAT IF?  So I have to stop asking!!!

9. Don’t ignore reality – When I start to spiral I say to myself, I have a great apartment, I am working, I am healthy, I have the best friends, supportive family, and the two world’s greatest cats, and compared to how a lot of people live in this world I have it pretty good.

10. It is going to get better – This has become a mantra I say to myself nearly nightly, although it is usually “It is going to be OK, It is going to be OK”  Life has a way of constantly changing, and even though things are bad now, they could very easily get better soon.

11. Find something that makes you really happy and do it – For me that is performing and more specifically singing and music.  One good thing that has happened through this whole mess is that I have re-found my love for singing that studying music had sort of beaten out of me.  🙂

12. Try to throw away the bad advice and take the good – I can’t tell you how much well meaning bad advice I have gotten.  It is extremely difficult at times to just let this stuff roll off of me, especially comments about my Ex-husband and judgments on myself and my marriage when the people giving the advice are uninformed.

13. When in doubt find my cats – They are pure love, they are furry, they purr, and they never let me down.

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Life After Divorced: Being a straight spouse two years later.

Date: September 13, 2011
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Divorce, Gay Husband, Relationships, Same Sex Marriage, Straight Spouse, Uncategorized
Comments: 5 Replies

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I still remember my wedding day, vividly.   Any day planned and fretted about for months is going to stick in your brain for a lifetime.  Any day built up as the beginning of the rest of your life will burn into your psyche, in the same way horrible trauma sears its pain and anguish deep into your bones.   Try as you might, you can’t shake it the pain becomes a part of your very foundation.  Few positive memories have the same effect.  For whatever reason, our bodies, hearts and minds tend to cling to the negative memories such as: being humiliated in front of your class, not being able to get jeans off in time due a broken zipper and wetting myself at girl scout camp, seeing my father lash out at me in a yet another blinding rage, losing a  job or role for reasons unknown, having a voice teacher tell me I would never be a singer, seeing the face of a lover suddenly go cold and distant, having no one show up to my 13th birthday party….and on and on and on.  The traumas and disappointments get inside of you like a bad virus you can’t shake, but the good memories fade quickly.  The memories replaced instead by just vague emotion.  Instead of specific images they blur into shifting colors through a window.  Instead of the detailed sharp piercing prongs of negative memories happy thoughts become reduced to feelings.  I can’t remember holding my cat for the first time, hugging a friend I haven’t seen forever, the first kiss from a person I adore, winning a competition….they drift, they fade only warm pretty shadows remain in their place.

The memory of my wedding day is now traumatic but still beautiful in my mind, so like the crazy nuanced event it has become, it is now a hybrid of negative crystal clear clarity and blurred fuzzy happiness.   The one image that keeps coming back is the walk down the aisle.  I used to have PTSD style flashbacks of the very event.  I would be sitting on the train or reading a book and for no reason it would flash into my brain as clear as it was actually happening.  The cathedral, with his family on one side and mine on the other, the organ music, with all of these faces turned towards me.  It was so overwhelming, all I could do to get through the ritual was to focus on my soon to-be husband and move closer and closer to him and the rest of my life.  I knew that if I turned to look at people on either side I would start crying and I didn’t want to cry on my wedding day so I kept focusing on the task at hand and that was to get down the aisle without shedding a tear.  My husband was now my new family, the scars and damage from my old one were over and I had chosen this new man to start over and help wipe away the darkness and pain of the past.

Since my divorce, I have had recurring nightmares of being outside of my body trying to run up to myself in the moments while screaming

“Don’t do it, don’t do it, don’t do it”

The sound of my screams echoing through the great hall of marble, but no one looks up, no one even flinches and I still just keep moving forward.   Nothing I can do can stop me, it is like looking at ghosts re-enacting the same scene in a play over and over.

I hate it when people say,

“Well at least your husband was just gay, it could have been a lot worse”

Or anything to the effect of that I have somehow had it easier than a typical divorced person.

I guess in some ways I have, in that the end was so absolute.  There was no reason to second guess why I was leaving my husband, no amount of couples counseling, no amount of therapy or listening skills that would have made anything better, no horrible act of betrayal that I would regret for ending everything.  But on the downside I felt cheated.  I got cheated at a chance at a normal marriage, with a man of the same sexual orientation who loved me like a man is meant to love a woman, in mind, heart and body.

I was cheated of the chance of having children and being a mother.  I know I _might_still have time left, but dating at age 38 is difficult as half of the eligible men already have children and don’t want more.   And in my current state I couldn’t afford to raise a child on my own, as I can barely take care of myself.  There are times on the subway or in the park that even the sight of a young mother with her child will send me spiraling.  Suddenly tears come from nowhere and I can’t make them stop.  Why is she so lucky to have the one thing that I will never get to experience?  I am constantly told that I shouldn’t give up hope but I haven’t been able to sustain a relationship for any length of time and every other man who I find compatible is already a father and doesn’t want more children.  I had to end therapy because literally every single session was the same conflict, the same fear, the same resentment over probably losing the chance to be a parent.   When my therapist suggested I go back on medication, and then tried to get me to justify what I consider a fairly innate human desire to procreate I couldn’t take it anymore and ceased the sessions.

I was cheated of the dream that everyone has when they get married, that despite the obstacles in life and arguments, fights, and petty annoyances I no longer have a partner for life.  I was cheated on the intimacy of an adult human sexual relationship.  It seemed normal at first but it quickly became dysfunctional but because I loved my husband I stuck it out, and now I beat myself up for not leaving sooner.

So over two years have passed, but I am still not right.  I am still not healed and I don’t know if I ever will be.  I am suspicious of every man I meet, and I trust no one, it is so debilitating that I actually stick around in relationships that aren’t fully formed, that aren’t as scary, that aren’t as real…I am scared to have a real one.

But my shattered life has in some ways made me stronger, like a piece of metal cracked and then welded back together, or a bone broken and then reset.  I am no longer the same shape, my insides, my skeleton is not the same, and I don’t react to pain the same way.  I am far more empathetic to another person’s pain especially anyone divorced.  I feel deeply for them, and I cut them a lot of slack for self-destructive behavior or lashing out at themselves or others.  I know they are in a ton of pain and that most of their actions are not directed at me or anyone, but instead directed at the emptiness inside of them.  I have also learned that I have to heal myself before allowing anyone else in.  I no longer have my husband to unload my emotional baggage on.  And friends get tired when I repeatedly do it to them, so I am now forced to deal with it on my own, with just my broken heart and damaged soul to mend myself.  These things have definitely made me a better friend and a better person, but the lack of trust and emotional scars have made me more skittish and more apprehensive about letting anyone new in.   I have become damaged goods complete with certain memories playing repeatedly in my mind.  Hopefully I will one day be able to replace the photo sharp negative ones with more blurry happy thoughts.  But until then, I try to ride the nightmare of the memory of walking to my new life of fraud, deception and loss.  Two years ago I was pushed off a cliff and I survived, now I just need to figure out how to pick of the pieces and start climbing again.

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Dating After Divorce – Do we really need Tough Love?

Date: September 8, 2011
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating After Divorce, Dating Online, Relationships, Uncategorized
Comments: 5 Replies

Since I have been divorced I have tried a number of methods to try to date again, including online dating and speed dating, I recently got the following via email…I won’t mention the company who sent it.  I have edited it for length, but the general premise is still there.

Ever gone on a date that you thought was AMAZING only to this day still wonder why the guy/girl never returned your call for a second date? Meet 10-25 singles at “Tough Love” speed dating, where in the event someone does NOT select you as a “match”, you’ll actually receive feedback as to why via a post-event email summary of each daters constructive and honest comments . At the end of the day, ‘perception is reality’ and ‘knowing is half the battle

There are just so many things wrong with this concept.  For starters, there are _always_problems with market research.  Anyone in marketing can tell you that only a certain percentage of people actually take the time to fill out any survey, and the people who do tend to be skewed to specific personality traits.  Feedback tends to come from customers with an ax to grind.  Customers with the tendency to bitch, moan and complain will be more than willing to fill out surveys or questionnaires to their heart’s content, satisfied customers rarely bother.

Then there is also the concept of people not really knowing what they want until they see it before them.  For instance when surveyed people may say they would hate bubblegum flavored cupcakes, but once given a taste they devour them.  The same goes with dating.  We have all known potential partners who looked great on paper for us, but the minute we met them there was no spark, no chemistry, no reason to pursue them further.  Does this make them inferior and in need of improvement?  Of course it doesn’t, it is just a fact of life.  In the same vein we have all met someone who should have been incompatible for us, and become instantly smitten.  Dating is a strange world full of contradictions and things that simply don’t make logical sense.   We are all like puzzle pieces, some of us fit well together and some of us don’t.

I can’t help but think that a “tough love” speed dating round complete with feedback might attract the very people who like dolling out punishment, and that in a session of brief three-minute dates only the worst criticism would come out.   Some feedback could be useful but most of it would be extremely harmful, lets say out of 15 people you get…

  • You have bad breath – Problem easily solved, so that could be helpful
  • Sloppy or unkempt appearance – Also easily solved
  • You are creepy/crazy – What is a person supposed to do about that?
  • You talk too much or too fast – One man’s chatterbox is music to another man’s ears
  • You don’t talk enough – Not everyone is an extrovert
  • You are too short, tall, thin, fat, old, young – Again it is all relative
  • You aren’t attractive – Imagine getting that feedback from 15 total strangers

Most people in this situation would probably remain vague, especially if they themselves are also being graded and judged.  Most of the cards would probably include things like…

  • He/She isn’t my type
  • No chemistry
  • Not what I am looking for

And that happens to everyone, as if you get 20 people in a room the chances of any one person meeting a person they are attracted to is slim.   So what is the point of this anyway?   Socially awkward people picking apart socially awkward people, my head spins at the thought of such a disaster.  And then the poor man or woman who paid money to try to help increase their chances in the dating world now leaves defeated and broken.  How could this possibly help them?    And imagine going to a speed dating round like this soon after a divorce, and getting negative feedback, as if you needed more rejection and grief.

What I think might work better for anyone out there who is repeatedly going out on dates and can’t figure out why no one seems interested is this–sit down with trusted friends, people who care about you and aren’t making a buck off your misery, and ask your friends and loved ones what they think might help.  Because even the most socially awkward can and will find others who will fit them like a glove.   Your dating problems might be as simple as popping a breath mint, or combing your hair, and you don’t need scorecards from strangers or a “thick skin” to figure that out.

And don’t we all know a couple that is composed of two socially awkward, eccentric or even extremely odd partners?  Maybe instead of improvement or feedback, all they needed was to find another oddball that matched them to a tee.   Sometimes all someone needs to find is another person who really loves their version of being human.  Dating after a divorce is difficult and we all get creative, but personally I would avoid anything as potentially scarring as this.

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