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Dating Online – Why a Young Cub is not always that attractive to a Cougar

Date: April 15, 2014
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating After Divorce, Dating Online, Relationships
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The day I turned 40, something completely surprised me on my online dating profile.  I thought that once I reached my midlife milestone birthday, the amount of email would slow down. I was surprised when I saw more traffic than ever.  The bulk of interest came from much younger men. Suddenly 19 and 20-year-olds were sending me things like,

“What’s up? U R Hot. Do U like younger guys?” – Always hysterical to me, since the young ones often use text speech and insane word substitutions that drive me crazy.

“I really love older women.  We should hang out sometime.  Let’s get a drink” – I’ve gotten these from men who aren’t old enough to legally drink alcohol.  So either he’s got a fake ID, or we’re drinking coffee.  I guess I could take the risk of being arrested for giving alcohol to a minor, that would be living life on the edge!  Maybe they are asking me out BECAUSE I can buy them liquor.  Who knows?

“I know you’re a lot older, but I’m really looking for a serious relationship” – I’m not kidding, I’ve gotten several emails like that one.  Are they serious?  I have no idea.  Do they have Mommy issues?  Probably.

“I’m going to start college in the Fall. I love to go snowboarding, and play video games.  Let’s hang out!” – I assumed he lived with his parents and was still in high school.  So technically he’s legal, but honestly who in their right mind would think that’s a good idea? Someone must have written a self-help book that advises young men to search for women 40 or older on dating sites.  After 40 we’re more desperate, we’ll pounce on a young eager kid.  When I’ve complained about this deluge of barely legal would be suitors, some of my male friends get extremely upset with me.  I hear things like,

  • Well I would dream of getting hot 19 year olds in my inbox
  • Score! You have teenagers hitting on you.  I’d tap that!
  • How could you complain about young guys?

Again I know this might sound shocking to some, but men and women are extremely different creatures.  Most women in their 40’s don’t want to date men over 20 years younger.  Of course there are exceptions and age and maturity don’t always go together.  If two people can find love in this world and they have a twenty year age difference, then more power to them!   But usually most of those 19 year olds I get in my inbox aren’t exactly “hot young studs”.  The really good-looking younger men, probably have a surplus of attractive, hot young women.  And I’m not talking about a 30-year-old with a 45-year-old.  At that point both parties are adults, and although the age difference is great, it’s not the same as a 19-year-old man hitting up a woman who could be his mother. Even though a 19-year-old is legally an adult, most are basically children.  I have theories about why I keep getting these requests, the younger men think an older woman could:

Teach them about Sex – Some women might get off on this, or think this could be a lot of fun.  Personally I don’t want to train anyone. The thought of having awkward or bad sex with someone who doesn’t know what he’s doing is not exactly my idea of a good time.

Take care of them Financially – Some don’t even hide this, and will say it openly.  My favorite was from a 29-year-old.  He somehow just assumed I would was rolling in it because I was a whopping 11 years older than him.  If only being 40 magically brought financially stability. In his case we discovered he was better off than I was.

Take care of them Emotionally – Mommy issues.  Some guys really do feel more comfortable dating someone who takes on a more maternal role in their lives.  To each his own on this one, but not every woman is going to WANT that arrangement.

Need to be Dominated – This is true of men at any age, but the power dynamic does get a bit skewed with a large age gap.  An older woman is probably going to have more life experience and more relationships under her belt.

Drawbacks to younger men

  • Aren’t financially secure
  • Immature
  • MIght live at home or with multiple roommates
  • Have totally different interests and lifestyles
  • He might not get along with your friends, you might not get along with his
  • Probably won’t want kids right away
  • Less likely to stick around long-term
  • Text speak, totally different communication skills – The younger ones don’t call, they text, tweet, IM and Skype.  It’s a whole new world of abbreviated speech that can be a bit unnerving to women who write in full sentences.
  • Porn educated – Sorry boys but this one is so true.  I’ve found with men closer to my age that sex is far less influenced by pornography.  Younger men don’t seem to understand that porn is a FANTASY and that most people don’t try to reenact porn scenes every time they have sex.
  • Lack of sexual experience

Of course age is just a number and emotional maturity and numerical age do not always go together.  I’ve met plenty of immature men in their 50’s and 60’s.  Some May December romances work out beautifully and there are no hard rules to what makes a relationship work.  I have several female friends who are older than their partners. The older two partners get the less an age difference matters.  A 30-year-old with a 45-year-old is something else entirely than a 19-year-old with a 34-year-old.  Once a person is well into adulthood, they know who they are, what they want and have a reasonable level of maturity.  A kid who is 19 or 20 however is just trying to figure these things out, they could be so easily manipulated and crushed by an older partner of any gender. I wish my male friend’s fantasies were true, and the hot young 21-year-old men were lining up in my inbox, but that’s just not the case. Regardless, I want a partner who is an equal, and it’s difficult to see a kid in college as a peer.  So until then, much to the disappointment of my male counterparts, I’ll continue to turn down the young ones who hit me up.  I would rather not be the cougar who devours willing cubs.

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Dating – The Old Carrot and Stick Approach

Date: March 24, 2011
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating After Divorce
Comments: 2 Replies
Carrot & Stick, is an idiom that refers to a p...

Carrot & Stick, is an idiom that refers to a policy of offering a combination of rewards and punishment to induce behavior. Türkçe: Havuç ve sopa, İngilizce deyim. İyi davranışı ödüllendirme, kötü davranışı da cezalandırma anlamına gelir. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So if you are not familiar with the phrase “Carrot and Stick” I don’t know the origin but it refers to the act of getting  a donkey to move by placing a dangling carrot on the end of a stick near his nose to temp forward motion.  The act is somewhat cruel in that the donkey keeps thinking it will get the carrot, but no matter how hard it tries, the carrot is always just out of its reach.

I have really been out of the dating pool for almost a decade, and I can’t say I am doing well in my attempts at dating in any capacity.  I attract lots of age inappropriate men, both too young and too old.  I also attract plenty of men who just want to have a sexually based relationship with as little emotional attachment possible.  And I attract stalker types, which are the most distressing.

But since I have been out of it for so long, one change that I have seen since my twenties is the “carrot and stick” approach so many men use when trying to win me over.  Sometimes there are subtle and sometimes they are not so subtle.

  • I could get you voice over work
  • You know I could open up some professional opportunities for you
  • I could get you a job in my office
  • I could record your demo in my recording studio
  • I would be your sugar daddy (And yes, that was the exact phrase )

Now as someone who has worked in the entertainment industry, I can assure you the casting couch is alive and well.  Sometimes it is subtle such as

  • “I think we need to spend some time together before I take you on as a client, can I take you out for a drink?”

and sometimes not so subtle

  • “If you sleep with me, I will make sure you get a part in my next project.”

Most of western culture has been set up this way for centuries.  Up until recent history women were relegated to little more than another piece of property to barter and trade.  So since women are in some ways still viewed as a commodity, some men think they need to offer up something in return for our companionship and loving devotion.  And women do this too, not only do they play into these informal bargaining agreements, they also openly sell their wares in the form of prostitution or they many variations of relationships that have some direct monetary incentive involved.  Straight women, gay women, gay men, straight men, bisexuals and transgendered there are examples of this across the spectrum.  I don’t judge others actions or life choices.  If this type of situation works out for both parties, then it really isn’t my concern.  But this is not what I want in a relationship.

For me I just see it has a profoundly insecure thing to do on the part of the man.  I mean when do these situations work out well?  And wouldn’t they want a woman to like them for who they are rather than for what they may or may not give them?  Some guys go out of their way to become sugar daddies, thinking that the more money, power and influence they can throw around the more USDA prime pussy they can attract.  But to most of the outside world, the older man with the much younger and more attractive woman is something to pity, not envy.   Even men will comment on how pitiful some of these situations appear.  We can never say what is actually going on in any relationship like these because maybe the woman is indeed attracted to man’s winning personality.  A twenty year age difference? Maybe.  It really does depend on the specific individuals.  But a thirty or forty year age difference?  Isn’t it just obvious that the younger party is in it for something more than the sparkling personality, charm and sex appeal of the older partner?

Typical scenarios include the young widow suing the rest of the family for a larger share of her inheritance, the much younger bride openly carrying on with the pool boy, the younger wife murdering her wealthy husband for the insurance money and inheritance.  The stepchildren annoyed and humiliated by the new spouse who is only a couple of years their senior.  The gold digger who publicly degrades the entire families reputation.  And then there is the celebrity or wealthy businessman that keeps trading in wives every few years for the younger version.

What is a relationship anyway?  Just another extension of our capitalistic based religion of free markets and constant never-ending growth?  Are spouses and partners merely an extension of how well we are doing in the world?

I was briefly what is commonly described as a “trophy girlfriend” many years ago.  At first it was exciting to date someone with a high paying fast-moving career, but then the shine wore off.  After all a trophy is just supposed to sit on the shelf and look pretty.  It isn’t supposed to have a point of view, or talk, or decide its own future, its own destiny or have any obligations whatsoever except to the person who put it on the shelf.  So after that brief relationship I adopted a new rule, a person doesn’t have to be overly ambitious or well off.  My only criteria is that they not be as bad off as myself.  And I make next to nothing, so that includes nearly every man I know.  🙂

I don’t trust the “carrot” and I wish men would stop pulling this crap on me.  I want to make my own money, and control my own life.  Right now I am in a bit of a funk and maybe that is what is really causing this phenomena.  They see a weakness and pounce.  I would rather meet someone who just liked me and supported what I did, and didn’t try to win me over with promises of materialistic and monetary glory.   Don’t we all want that?  Someone who will support us, not overly judge us, and not try to change or mold us into some idealized version of perfection?  Maybe I am just naive in thinking that this isn’t just how things go, or maybe guys in their twenties simply didn’t have anything to offer, and that is why this is all new to me.   In any event I find it rather sleazy.  I want to grow my own carrots and eat them when I feel like, and have a partner that is perfectly OK with that situation.  Is that really so crazy a concept?

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