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Dating in New York: Mr. Spontaneous

Date: February 19, 2013
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating After Divorce, Relationships, Uncategorized
Comments: 3 Replies
Texting

Texting (Photo credit: Joi)

One particular dating archetype that I have heard a lot about lately is Mr. Spontaneous.  I am sure there are women who do this sort of thing, but it is especially a problem with men in New York City.  Mr. Spontaneous is the #1 complaint that I hear from women about dating in the Big Apple.  What defines a Mr. Spontaneous?

  • Text – Late at night – Only on weekends – Expect you to come to their location
  • Refuses or avoids making plans ahead of time
  • When the tables are turned they will not drop everything to see you on a moment’s notice

Most men who do this will claim they are simply living in the moment or being spontaneous.  What they are really saying though is that you aren’t worth even a modicum of pre-planning or respect.  You are a girl on call, probably one of many, ready willing and able to drop whatever you are doing to come over on his terms.   If you already have established a mutually beneficial relationship of late-night, last-minute hook-ups that is one thing.  But if a man is pursuing you, and you don’t have boundaries established, it is extremely rude behavior.  It is not living life in the moment, or being spontaneous, it is just inconsiderate.

A good rule of thumb is to ask yourself

“Would I do this to a friend?” or “Would a friend treat me like this?”

If the answer is no, don’t put up with it from some random guy.  Would you text a friend at 1:30 at night to come meet you at a bar?  Perhaps, but it would probably be someone you know extremely well.  You know they will be awake at that hour, and maybe you have met them for late night drinks before.  If this man is new to your life, he should not be treating you like an unpaid prostitute.  Of course there is nothing wrong with taking the bait and meeting someone for a late-night sex session. Chances are though, the minute you allow this type of treatment, things will not improve.   If you want a no-strings attached sexual relationship, he should at least do the same for you.  You should be able to text him at 2 am and expect him to come flying over.  If he doesn’t drop him like a hot rock and don’t look back.

I really loathe the ridiculous dating guide “The Rules” as it sets up rigid guidelines about when a man should call and exactly how a woman should react to his advances.  I don’t believe anyone should live according to such an exact standard, and some of their advice encourages emotional manipulation .  However, I do think the authors do make a valid point; any man who doesn’t give some notice for a date is not worth your time.

Another sign that you aren’t being taken seriously are the following:

  • He needs a date for a social engagement – He has no interest in seeing you otherwise
  • Doesn’t want you to meet his friends, or meet your friends – Only wants you to come to their place when it is convenient for him
  • Only wants you to attend shows, gallery openings, band performances – Wants a groupie not a date
  • Put zero effort in seeing you on your terms
  • Has no interest in getting to know you better – He asks few personal questions about you.
  • He tells you very little about himself
  • Never move beyond text messages or email in communication – Phone calls are too personal

No woman should expect an instant boyfriend or partner, nor is that a healthy thing to desire.  Every relationship builds at its own pace and neither partner should rush into anything.  You shouldn’t expect everything at once, but you should also not feel disrespected.  If the shady behavior goes on for an extended period of time, there is a reason he is not letting you in.  You are simply a sexual plaything and you will never be seen as anything more.  If you are wanting more of a connection, allowing a man to treat you poorly is not going to get you anywhere.

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Dating in NYC – Potential Girlfriend or just a Piece of Ass?

Date: December 2, 2011
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating After Divorce, Divorce, New York City, Relationships, Uncategorized
Comments: 12 Replies

Erotic butt

This is a question that we all must ask ourselves at certain times of our lives.  Am I a potential girlfriend to this man who I am seeing?  Or am I just a another piece of ass?  These things can get blurry.  It seems men over 35 are less likely to just jump into a commitment right away.  This might appear to go against conventional wisdom as younger men have less responsibility and don’t want to settle down.  But younger men will at least bond quicker, men in their early forties are beaten up a bit and scarred.  Men who have lived a life, have also had their egos bruised, hearts broken, trust shattered so they are less likely to give their hearts and emotions over to a new woman as quickly as a younger man might.

Some men are upfront and tell you right away that they are not looking for a relationship or a commitment.  I respect men who are upfront.  I don’t date them, but I love the honesty.  If a woman wants to get involved with no major commitment, and maybe even see a few other guys on the side, it is her choice.  Not every woman wants a relationship, and this situation might be perfect for both parties.

But then there are men who realize that a woman won’t waste her time with a hook-up artist or a non-exclusive relationship.  This type of guy doesn’t want a relationship, but still wants a woman around.  Instead of being direct he will string the her along.  He’ll never say:

“This is a relationship”

but also never say

“This is just something casual”

Some don’t even realize what they are doing, they just want to keep seeing a woman but with boundaries that are comfortable for them.  So they will dodge and weave to avoid creating a situation that will lock them down or leave them emotionally vulnerable.

I got stuck in a bad relationship that was similar to this.  I hasten to even call it a relationship now.  Instead I say “I tried to date this guy” because honestly that is how it felt.   After what I went through I now look for the following warning signs that I am in that nether region of somewhere between girlfriend and a piece of ass.

  • Refuses to talk about what the relationship is or where it is going
  • Refers to you as a “friend” – even though you are sleeping with him
  • Won’t introduce you to his friends, or get you more involved with his life
  • Won’t talk about anything overly emotional
  • Only communicates via text message or email – no phone calls
  • Doesn’t show you any emotional vulnerability – unless complaining about his ex
  • Keeps conversations and correspondence about surface topics

I thought that my guy was an exception, because when I was actually with him, he was warm, affectionate and he treated me as if I was a girlfriend.  Snuggling up to a piece of ass might seem like a good idea, but it just ends up confusing the woman.  I really liked him, so it took me a while to figure out that is all I ever was, just a sexual plaything that relieved the boredom and gave him a thrill from time to time.  And even though I was corresponding with him on a daily basis, the correspondence was still just surface and it wasn’t emotionally satisfying.   I grew tired of hearing about his daily workout routines, and the occasional bitching about his ex-wife because that was mainly all he was open about.  He never set up dates, he never saw me on my terms and didn’t go out of his way for me in any way shape or form.

He did send me many mixed messages in regards to his two children, whom I never met.  He would tell me that his son liked a photo of me, or his daughter thought a dress I was wearing in a photograph was pretty.  He also kept me clued into their struggles, challenges and joys.  Talking about his kids just gave me a false sense of hope that I might become more important in his life.  What I misunderstood was his kids were important to him, where I was not.

Ultimately I was between the world of a casual fling and girlfriend.  I hated the existence so I broke it off.  I made excuses for this man for months, he was upset from his divorce, he was being overly cautious, he was afraid to get hurt and on and on.  Because I allowed him to contact me when he felt like it, and see me when it worked for him I was enabling his emotionally distant behavior.  I had become my own doormat, and he was walking all over me.

My last relationship lasted nine years.  Since then, I sort of forgot how to date.  The last time I was single I was only 27 and the process seemed so much easier, the men less complicated.  Now that I am older and wiser I have to learn to see these signs sooner and cut my losses.  If a woman just wants a sexual relationship with no strings attached, it is usually not incredibly difficult to find.  I am holding out for something bigger and more meaningful, and I have no idea if I will find it.  I do know though that I am never putting up with being treated like that again.

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Dating After Divorce – Wife Shoppers & Baby Momma Math

Date: September 25, 2011
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating After Divorce, Dating Online, Gay Husband, New York City, Straight Spouse
Comments: 7 Replies
English: A sleeping male baby with his arm ext...

English: A sleeping male baby with his arm extended (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I always thought I would have kids, my husband and I planned to eventually have a family, but at the age of 36 I discovered my husband was a closeted homosexual.  My marriage immediately ended and I entered the dating pool past my prime reproductive years.   I knew it would eventually take time to have healthy relationships again, and I definitely felt like my biological clock wasn’t just ticking but banging loudly like Quasimodo’s bells through my entire body.

Because I am over 35, some men view me as a lousy match if they want to have kids.  I didn’t think it would be this bad, but in my age range I tend to find hook-up artists who never want to settle down, men messed up from a break-up or divorce, extremely socially awkward men with no dating experience and the men I refer to as wife shoppers.   A wife shopper is usually the following

  • Over 40
  • Never Married – No children
  • At the peak of their professional career
  • About to buy property or has just bought property

Wife shoppers are men searching for the future mother of their children.  They make no bones about wanting to start a family and many won’t consider women over the age of 35.  Women do lose reproductive capacity after 35, and in health terms pregnancies in older mothers are deemed higher risk.  Yet none of my extended or immediate family members have had to use any extraordinary means to get pregnant.  In fact, most got pregnant almost too easily, my aunt and my grandmother both having babies in their forties.  So do I have to print out my medical history and that of my extended family and bring it to dates?  Should I put it on my online dating profiles?  Something tells me that bringing up fertility on a first date would cause most men to bolt.

I have discovered most wife shoppers through online dating websites.  Something about online sites just make it too easy for them.  Men can sort of pick the traits they prefer, height, build, eye color, hair color, age, and if a woman wants children.  On dates, a wife shopper will bring up reproducing almost before they have ordered their first drink.  One of the habits I have noticed is something I call baby momma math.  My date will look at me, ask me my age again, and then I watch them adding up how long we would have to date before trying to start a family, and they aren’t exactly subtle about it.  I have also gotten questions right off the bat such as

  • What neighborhood do you think you would want to live in?
  • Private or Public School?
  • How much debt do you have?
  • How many kids would you want to have?
  • Do you have a good relationship with your family?

I don’t remember this ever happening to me when I was in my twenties.  Maybe it’s something about the personality traits of any man who waits until they are at the peak of their career before getting married and having kids.  In their mind they have a checklist and once they have gone down everything else they want to accomplish in life they move on to starting a family.

Having my marriage end the way it did has given me major trust issues to begin with, so the idea of running down the aisle with a man hell-bent on becoming a father is terrifying.  Divorce is hell on earth and the thought of having another divorce only the second time with children is especially nightmarish.  Rushing into a situation in order to have children with a partner I barely know seems like a recipe for another divorce.

Of course women have been doing this sort of thing for ages.  It is almost a cliché of the single woman over a certain age talking about eggs, biological clocks and running out of time.  When I meet a wife shopper, at first I think it is a good sign because at least this man isn’t like the multitudes who just seem to want to get laid and nothing else.  But then I start to feel like little more than a womb.  Keeping a healthy marriage together especially one with children is extremely difficult.  The union between the two adult partners should be the most important thing, communication, lifestyles, goals, and temperaments must work in harmony before the added stress and pressures of children are added to the mix.  I have accepted that having a biological child may not happen for me, as I would rather not bring children into a haphazard marriage situation.  I just wish I could find something in between the hook-up artists and the men who think nothing of ordering up a wife they way they would a sandwich.

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