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You CAN help who you fall in love with.

Date: February 6, 2014
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Divorce, Relationships, Uncategorized
Comments: 3 Replies

Recently a friend found out her boyfriend of less than three months, has a serious drug problem.  He doesn’t think he’s an addict and has refused to get treatment. Despite her misgivings about his substance abuse problem she quipped.

“You can’t help who you fall in love with”

So does love trump all common sense?  Does a strong romantic bond throw all logic out the window?  Do people fall in love after only three months?

Similarly a certain film director who had what most would consider a highly inappropriate affair defended his actions by saying, The heart wants what it wants. There’s no logic to those things. You meet someone and you fall in love and that’s that.  I’m sure he might feel differently if his now wife fell in love with his best friend, but I digress.

Does love trump all?  Is it ethical to use love as an excuse for causing such havoc in the lives of others?  When does common sense, logic and self-control come into the picture?  Is a person allowed to do anything they want in the name of love and not be accountable for their actions?

Love doesn’t always come when we want it, and there are many situations that get morally ambiguous.  Two people may fall in love while both are married to other partners.  Some couples might repeatedly reconcile despite epic fights and constant battles.  And we all know relationships that make absolutely no logical sense, yet endure despite glaring incompatibilities.  Love is this mystical force that can make people do all sorts of irrational things.  Our myths and fairy tales center around characters who literally slay dragons and wake the dead in the name of true love.

But will love conquer all?   Let’s go back to my friend’s example.  She is in her thirties, has never been married but has had long-term relationships.  She doesn’t live with her new boyfriend. They don’t have children together and they have only been dating for three months. His drug of choice is a highly dangerous one that could easily kill him in an overdose.  As a divorced person, I can’t help but scream “Dear God Woman run with all the force that you have in you, don’t look back, get out, RUN!” at the top of my lungs with full force.  Instead of “love” I see the most tragic a love triangles a co-dependent, a drug addict and drugs. Although she won’t admit it openly, she probably thinks she can “save” or at least change him. I would give her much more leeway if she was a younger woman with less life experience, but she really should know better. Three months is hardly a lifetime and she should get out before she gets into too deep.

Then there is the case of the film director.  He was 56 years old when he started an affair with the daughter of his then partner.  Could he not have done the more responsible thing and resisted temptation?  Were there not adoring 19-year-old sycophants eager to jump his bones, who were not related to his children?   People use love to excuse all sorts of selfish behavior – a man cheats on his wife while she is sick with cancer, a teacher seduces her student, a woman sleeps with the husband of a pregnant friend, and on and on. When does free will step in?  Are we powerless to emotions of the heart?  Also when we are on the wrong side of these affairs it’s next to impossible to empathize with our partner’s betrayal.

Then there are the serial disaster daters.  People who will literally destroy their lives for one lover after another.  They don’t just have one abusive, addicted, or cruel ex, they have several who all seem to have the same horrible personality.  Is it love every time or co-dependency?  Is it narcissism. masochism or insanity?

All of us have been in situations were we are strongly attracted to people who were not available.  Do we throw caution to the wind every time to the whim of love? I’ve found myself strongly desiring men I knew were a bad idea and I had enough self-control to not avoid temptation.  I’ve also made mistakes and become enraptured with someone despite the warning signs and suffered major consequences.  And who hasn’t been hung up on a former lover we know is bad for us.   Love has caused me to do things against my own self-interest, well-being or mental health.  I’m obviously not the most rational person – I married a clown.

Is love is a type of magic fairy dust that falls from the heavens, covers us in sparkles and makes us lose sound judgment and our basic sense of self-preservation?  Should we really use the most powerful human emotion as an excuse to absolve ourselves of any pain we cause others? Romantic love is a powerful and wonderful force, but we are not slaves to it.

My divorce has made me a realist.  I’ve seen the empty void on the other side of a romantic relationship gone wrong.   Of course we would all love to have a love so strong that our partners would risk everything for us but sustained love rarely works that way.  A good foundation is built on trust, communication and real life experience.  Love doesn’t always happen in nice and tidy ways, we can avoid major heartache and pain if we let the rational side of our brains take over. My friend could give herself space from her drug addicted boyfriend, the movie director could have at least broken up with his partner before sleeping with her daughter, or he could have slept with someone else. We can’t always save ourselves when we are deep in the throes of love, but we can at least try to avoid a moving train when we see it coming. 

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Anthony Weiner – Sexual Predator, Carlos Danger or Crazed Narcissist?

Date: July 24, 2013
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Addiction, New York City, Politics, Relationships
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Official portrait of United States Congressman...

Official portrait of United States Congressman (D-NY). (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Anthony Weiner, disgraced congressman is like the joke that keeps on giving.  If you don’t already know the details here are the basic facts.  In 2011 Weiner sent sexually explicit photos to several adult women who were not his wife.  At first Weiner denied the allegations, going so far as to say someone hacked his twitter account.  He also made the ridiculous claim that he wasn’t sure if a photo of his erect penis inside a pair of white underwear was his or not.  I think every grown man knows his penis intimately, so well that they could pick out of a large crowd of penises.  When Weiner finally admitted that he did indeed send the photos, he eventually resigned his seat in congress and issued several public apologies.  He even appeared in People magazine with his wife and infant son, with what seemed like a heartfelt admission of guilt and a vow to stop the behavior.

Now, a short two years later Weiner is the front-runner in the New York mayoral race.  A new woman has emerged with a series of sexually explicit sex messages and a story of a virtual affair that happened in the summer of 2012.  The story almost seems like a parody with Weiner using the alias, Carlos Danger in his correspondence. He even sent her yet another photograph of his penis.  The man must truly think his genitals are something special!  I’m sure his penis has its own moniker but we aren’t privy to that information yet!  The woman involved has remained anonymous and claims she was not compensated for her story.  We have no way of knowing if she is telling the truth, we only have the text messages which are quite hilarious and graphic in nature.

What really stuck me as completely crazy was the way the site The Dirty is handling this story.  The headline by Nik Richie reads “Anthony Weiner is a Sexual Predator Luring his Victims”   Richie makes the following quote.

My source is solid. She really thought Anthony Weiner and her were in love, they spoke on the phone daily multiple times a day for 6 months. Anthony Weiner played with her emotions and mind. Most calls were phone sex. He promised her many things including a condo in Chicago (1235 S. Prairie Ave) where they were planning to meet up to have sex. Anthony Weiner has a shoe fetish, particularly heels.

Calling Weiner a sexual predator is a farce.  It actually trivializes real sexual assault, intimidation and harassment.  The woman in question is 22 years old.  She is an adult and although she is incredibly naive she is not a child.  Weiner was not her employer or teacher and had no direct control over her life.  It wasn’t as if her job or grades depended on her playing ball with his advances.  She also knew he was a married man with a then pregnant wife.  It is hard for me to view a woman who knowingly engages in this type of behavior with a married man as a victim.  The whole thing reminds me of the Tiger Woods scandal when one of his mistresses held a tear filled press conference along the lines of “I thought I was his only mistress”  I guess the sobbing woman just conveniently forgot about his wife.

At 22 years old, Weiner’s virtual mistress is probably a college graduate. Most likely she has dealt with more than one lecherous college professor, a creepy employer or faced some type of sexual intimidation.  I’m sure she had a strong crush on Weiner and found the attention he gave her exciting.   From the texts I have read there is certainly a lot of sex talk but not a lot of fondness.  We don’t know what they said over the phone and more information could come out, but I think this young woman mistook lust and sex for love.   I wish I could have a cup of coffee with her and share some of my dating horror stories or the many I have heard from readers of this blog.  She is not a victim, just a foolish woman who made a few stupid choices.  Since she is anonymous, her life will go on and she might even face much worse men in her future.  The real victim here is Weiner’s wife and young son.

Weiner’s wife will have to live this down, and his son is not only going to have to grow up with an incredibly unfortunate surname but also be subjected to teasing about his father’s behavior.   His wife will also have to question every single word that comes out of her husband’s mouth.  I also lived in denial for years in my marriage and if I could go back in time I would grab myself by both shoulders and yell – GET OUT NOW!

Again the story almost reads like a joke.  A man named Weiner, showing his weiner to the world under the name of Carlos Danger – AFTER he lost his job, damaged his career and publicly humiliated his family – engaging in the exact same behavior.  You honestly couldn’t make it up.  Will the people of New York elect him as mayor?  Who knows?  If he wins the jokes will continue and I suspect the scandals will as well. If he got caught once and kept doing it – I kind of doubt this will be the last time we hear from Carlos Danger and his mighty, mighty penis.

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