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Divorce – It’s more than just a breakup

Date: November 29, 2011
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Divorce, New York City, Relationships, Uncategorized
Comments: 7 Replies
Divorce Cakes a_006

Divorce Cakes a_006 (Photo credit: DrJohnBullas)

One of the most annoying things that I heard repeatedly after I left my husband was the following.

“I just broke up with my boyfriend, I know exactly how you feel”

I know that my friends who told me that were trying to make me feel better.  They were trying to show empathy and a shared experience with mine.  But a relationship even a long-term one with cohabitation is not the same as a marriage.  If it was then same-sex couples wouldn’t be fighting for the right to marry all over this country.  For starters there is the ceremony.  When you start dating someone you don’t throw a “Hey look we just started dating party” you might have a housewarming if you move in together but with a marriage there are usually one or more bridal showers, an engagement party, a bachelorette party and finally the big obnoxious wedding.    I remember mine as if it was yesterday and when I stood there in the dress facing both sides of our collective families turning to watch me walk down that aisle I thought to myself.

So this is why we have weddings, to guilt us into staying together.

All of these parties, rituals and ceremonies add to the sense of permanence to the union.   Your families become legally linked to one another, everything becomes part of the public record.   And although getting married is easy enough, getting out of it can be a quagmire.

For instance I always wanted to say to the person who just broke up with their non-spouse partner.

  • Did you have to go to a lawyer to break up?
  • Do you have any stocks or mutual funds in both of your names?
  • Do you have property with this person?
  • Do you have children?
  • Did you just have to go do your taxes with your ex?
  • Do you live in fear that your ex will financially ruin you before the divorce is final?
  • Do you have to pay alimony to your ex-partner?
  • Is your partner hiding marital assets or income earned during the marriage?
  • Is your ex contesting the split or slowing the process down?

As difficult as a breakup is, even a long-term live-in partner is not the same as a husband or wife.  With some long-term relationships shared assets or children might be an issue but in most cases they are not.  With a boyfriend or girlfriend you can usually just walk away.  You don’t have to go to court, you don’t have to file for legal separation, you don’t have to protect your assets.  The only real legal benefit to being non-married is that if you have your own health insurance you don’t have to worry about losing it when you get divorced.  Because of all of the legal ramifications, especially with those involving children divorces in some states can drag on for years before they are resolved.

I had a non-contested divorce with few assets and my ex and I spent over $2,000 on the divorce and I had to go to court about five times before it was over.  Since I was the one who filed, I was the one who had to appear to drive the paperwork through the system.  I remember waiting in line trying to hold back tears to get my certified copy of my divorce.  I had to get this document to split in half some of our assets and to legally declare to the universe that we were no longer husband and wife.  Our divorce was easy, it only took eight months in NY state, but some of my friends with children are still battling with their exes years later.  Eight months, thousands of dollars and multiple court appearances isn’t exactly the same as moving my stuff out of a boyfriend’s apartment.

But putting all of the legal and financial ramifications aside, there is still a sense of permanence of forever that exists in marriage that doesn’t exist in the same way as it would in a non-legally binding relationship.  There is something about that big day and the hopes and dreams of both of your extended families that makes it feel like it won’t end.  It is why we have big rituals surrounding marriage, it is supposed to be something higher, something larger than just two people living together.  And it is exactly why the fall is much harder.  Of my divorced friends I honestly don’t know anyone who didn’t go through some level of hell.  For some the day of reckoning took a while to show up, and for others it was immediate, but they all went through some major trauma even if they wanted desperately out of the marriage.  Divorce is not just a breakup, so the next time someone tries to tell you that, just nod and smile, they know not what they say.

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Dating in NYC: How to self-sabotage a date

Date: November 15, 2011
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating After Divorce, Dating Online, Divorce, Relationships, Uncategorized
Comments: 13 Replies
English: (ship) half-submerged and sinking.

English: (ship) half-submerged and sinking. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Anyway this is meant as self-deprecating humor.  I am after all a comedian.  I am a lousy dater because for my entire adult life I have been a serial monogamist so I really don’t know how to do the date thing.  I talk to much, I reveal too much, and I am too hyper…but I am hardly nasty and I have heard so many stories from both genders of people being extremely mean or shallow on these dates…so please anyone reading this…the piece was meant as satire, self-parody…don’t take it so seriously!  YIKES! 

Dating is not marriage, dating is one big job interview after another.  Marriage is trying to keep the job you have had for years already have interesting and exciting.  Going from a long-term marriage to the dating pool is rough, I have no idea what I am doing, but I do know when a date is clearly not going to work out.  And to avoid having “the talk” with some guy I barely know, I tend to instead self-sabotage the whole endeavor.   The “talk” is the short brief chat about why I don’t think we are compatible as a romantic couple.  I don’t like getting “the talk” from a man who isn’t interested in me, and I hate giving it.  Since I date mostly men I meet online, it is a total crap-shoot.  I can’t really tell much from a profile, and I have no idea if I will end up having any type of connection with the person.  Most of the time I don’t, and that is not their fault, but merely the nature of the beast.  I don’t get offended or upset when I can tell a man is not viewing me as a potential match.  It is the meeting of two total strangers, it is rare when sparks fly.

I don’t really understand what makes attraction work, but I do know that on a few dates I wanted to crawl over the table and start making out with a guy I had just met.  I didn’t publicly make-out with a total stranger, but in the two times that I have felt that right away, I ended up briefly dating those men.   The two suitors looked nothing alike and had totally different personalities, I can’t explain why both of them were appealing to me, but there it is.  When the initial attraction is not there and the conversation is forced or awkward, then it is time to have “the talk” or resort to self-sabotage.

There are generally two methods of self-sabotaging a date.  The first I call the super clingy needy crazy girl, sometimes the super clingy needy girl act can backfire, and it also makes you look crazier.

  • Talk about marriage immediately
  • Talk about babies immediately, wanting to have babies, your friends babies etc. anything about babies
  • Discuss with your date things that you will do in the far future, things like “I can’t wait to hang with you at Christmas!”
  • Ask way too many super personal questions right off the bat, such as “How many women have you slept with?”, or “How many girlfriends have you had?”
  • Talk about how much you love the man’s neighborhood and would love to live there

The dark torpedo – my preferred method and honestly I do this a bit subconsciously when I don’t even mean to go there.

  • Go on and on about my divorce
  • Talk about being on medication for my clinical depression due to my divorce
  • Ramble on about every ex-boyfriend I have had, or my ex-husband
  • Don’t ask the man any personal questions about himself
  • Discuss politics, history, world wars or something incredibly dark or horrible
  • Lament on all of my family drama and dysfunction
  • Say things like “I really shouldn’t be dating anyone right now”

The torpedo of darkness usually works, and the sad thing is that it sort of comes on me automatically.  It isn’t that I have a master plan and want to be mean, I just don’t watch my bad habits if I am not really into a guy.  And if he isn’t getting the hint I tend to lay it on even thicker.  I would rather have him think that I am broken and not available than to think it is something about him that I don’t like.  Because usually I don’t know why I am not attracted to the guy, I couldn’t tell you if you put a gun to my head.  It is just a quality that can’t be explained, but if it is not there, then it is not there.   I know I have gone through the opposite myself.

Some of my worst dating stories involve the following

  • A date who got noticeably offended and disgusted when I revealed I was from Missouri
  • Another man who bitched about an ex-girlfriend from….20 years ago.
  • A date who said his ex-wife was a bitch in the first five minutes
  • A date who proclaimed  “I don’t get emotionally attached” and then kept trying to steer the conversation to sex
  • A date who told me how much he missed his ex and hoped they would get back together
  • A man who openly told me he wanted to date a friend of mine – and yes this did happen.

If you are stuck in a situation where you think a guy is a decent fellow but you don’t really feel the urge to take the relationship further, use this as a simple guide to drive him away.  So far it has worked every time.  I accidentally learned these techniques from having one horrible date after another and trying to date too soon after I got divorced.   And if you meet a guy you actually want to see again, I strongly suggest you avoid doing any of the above, because you really want to look your best and not like a crazy clingy woman or a dark cloud of doom.

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Dating After Divorce – Rebounds and Supernovas

Date: October 13, 2011
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating After Divorce, Divorce, Gay Husband, Relationships, Straight Spouse, Uncategorized
Comments: 9 Replies
English: Pleiades Star Cluster

Image via Wikipedia

I don’t know why they call them rebound relationships.  When I think of a rebound I think of a ball bouncing off of a wall, which is a fairly tame thing.  I now call the first major relationship after leaving my husband the supernova – a collection of stars exploding all at once vaporizing everything in their path, burning bright, hot and fast.  It was a force of nature – so much bigger than a rebound.

I left my husband when I discovered he was a closeted homosexual.  He had been lying to me and to himself for our entire nine-year relationship.   When I left him I was devastated, although the relationship had grown dysfunctional, I was still deeply in love and a dedicated wife.

My marriage had been celibate for a prolonged period of time, and I desperately longed for a relationship with a straight man.  I found it almost too easily and only four months after leaving my husband.  He was a man who I had known casually in my social group of friends.  He was handsome, charming, and we had a lot of the same interests.  We sort of discovered through mutual friends that we both had a crush on each other, so it seemed inevitable that we would end up together. He even remembered the moment we first met years earlier, which was fuzzy to me, but he could recall it in startling detail.  And he resembled a taller, younger version of my husband.  It was as if I had found the straight version of the man I had just left.

I knew it was a dangerous situation and I avoided getting involved at first.  I had so many fears–Was it too soon? Would this end up making my depression worse? Was it because he reminded me of my ex?

But it happened, the universe finally put us together, and for a brief period in my life it was pure magic.  I thought I was the luckiest girl in the world to have fallen from that complete and utter disaster that was my divorce into something that felt so perfect.  And he seemed just as excited as I was; it felt like the ideal love affair.  But the cracks started to form almost immediately.  I was deeply depressed, a depression that is almost too difficult to describe now.  I couldn’t sleep through the night, had difficulty eating, cried constantly, suffered panic attacks, general anxiety, overwhelming fears dominated my thoughts, and my moods would turn on a dime.  I lost 20 pounds and dropped two dress sizes in a few months, had frequent asthma attacks, and was constantly sick; physically, and emotionally I was falling apart.

I also wasn’t used to dating, I was used to being married.  Dating is not anywhere near being married.  I didn’t know how to make the transition; I was suffocating, smothering and desperate for his affection.  I will never know his motivations but I can’t blame him for walking away from an obvious train wreck.  He had his own problems as everyone does, and I was just a disaster of a human being. When it ended it felt like being dropped off an emotional cliff.  I was already so damaged from my divorce and now my first attempt at love was an implosion of epic proportions.

For months I tormented myself over the whole affair beating myself up for all of the mistakes I had made.  I tried to start another relationship only to have that blow up in my face almost the exact same way.  I kept blaming myself, what if I had waited?  What if I had been healthier?  Would either relationship have worked out differently?  Eventually I convinced myself that it didn’t matter.  I would never know that alternate reality and life doesn’t work with a reset button.  The damage was done; the trust was shattered on both sides and couldn’t be repaired.  Feelings were hurt, egos bruised, expectations destroyed and there was no way I could repair any of it.  And I needed to move forward anyway as the whole affair was just collateral damage of my state of mind at the time.  Being clinically depressed is not the best time to start a relationship.

The real source of my anguish was my divorce, so either it would have been this one painful affair or a series of short meaningless flings, but the outcome would have been the same.  I was eventually going to hit rock-bottom.   After an agonizing eight-hour long anxiety attack and three days of very little sleep, I finally bottomed out, and then I got into therapy, briefly went on antidepressants and little by little, month by month, the horrible twisted vice of depression released its grip and I began to have my mind back.  It took nearly two years from the day I left my marriage to finally feel like myself again.   Friendships tarnished and other aspects of my personal and professional life have been negatively affected, but I try to live with a positive outlook and not look back.  Cognitive behavioral therapy is one tool that worked for me and I try to use its tips and tricks every day.

I say it all the time now to anyone newly divorced and I say it even if they are not listening.  Don’t do it.   Give yourself time to heal before you suck someone else into the personal torment that you are inevitably going to experience.  Of course not every divorced person goes through this, as some are happy to leave their spouse, and for them divorce is a new beginning.  But if a person is emotionally crushed, they should avoid getting involved in a serious intimate relationship for a while.

The most important thing that I learned from my supernova experience is that no one else could save me.  No one person has enough love or strength to pull another out of a free fall, especially in a brand new relationship.  I had to do it on my own.  I couldn’t really be available emotionally to another partner when I couldn’t even take care of myself.

Sometimes a person gets lucky and has a perfect love affair immediately after a divorce, but from my own, and most of my friend’s experiences this hasn’t been the case.  So fight the force of nature, hang out with your friends and work on yourself.  Things will get better, but the main thing that you need is time, not another lover.

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Dating After Divorce – Bad Boys and Psycho Bitches

Date: October 9, 2011
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating After Divorce, New York City, Relationships, Straight Spouse, Uncategorized
Comments: 7 Replies
English: The American actress Tara Reid. Franç...

English: The American actress Tara Reid. Français : Actrice américaine Tara Reid. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

One subject that comes up a lot in the comments section of my articles run along the following lines.

“Well logically most men wouldn’t be as interested in dating a divorced woman in her late thirties for a number of reasons”

Something about the words logic and dating together didn’t sit well with me.  Sure, I understand that generally speaking men might be attracted to younger women with less baggage.  And in theory, both men and women seek out mates that are healthy, mentally stable, and kind.  Logically a potential partner should make us feel good about ourselves, make our lives easier or improve it in some way.   This is all true, but I tend to find many adults don’t always use logic when looking for a partner.

And since dating since my divorce baffles me, I can’t help but think of the following two categories of people who always seem to attract mates–Bad Boys, and Psycho Bitches.

The Bad Boy – Has more than one of the following qualities, if not all of them

  • Unstable income or no income – sometimes wealthy
  • Criminal history
  • Serial Cheater
  • Physically Attractive – although not always
  • Initially charming
  • Children with multiple partners or unknown children
  • Engages in reckless behavior, drug or alcohol abuse, dangerous hobbies, sports
  • Brooding, mysterious and or emotionally unavailable
  • Example – Kevin Federline, ultimate bad boy – Charlie Sheen

The Psycho Bitch – The female equivalent of the Bad Boy

  • Unstable or no income
  • Criminal history
  • Serial Cheater
  • Physically attractive – although not always
  • Children with multiple partners possibly with unknown paternity
  • Engage in Reckless Behavior, drug or alcohol abuse, dangerous hobbies, sports
  • Hyper emotional, dramatic and wild
  • Example – Tara Reid, ultimate psycho bitch – Casey Anthony

Of course a person can have one or more of those traits and be emotionally balanced and healthy, but to have several probably indicates they are a hot mess.   And yet both bad boys and psycho bitches are rarely alone.  What is so attractive about either?  Logically the craziest and cruelest among us should be the least desirable partners, but that isn’t often the case.

I know of one woman who I would put in the “psycho bitch” camp.  She tells somewhat unbelievable tales of her former relationships to anyone and everyone.  Her past couplings have included physical and emotional abuse, police intervention and even attempted murder.  She will also freely admit to past drug addiction, being institutionalized, mental problems, and medical issues so severe that she survives in part, on disability.  She openly advertises her craziness to the universe and yet she hasn’t gone for more than a few months without a boyfriend or husband.  She is not young and beautiful and she is hardly charming.  I don’t get it.  Do these men not see the multiple red flags flying in the breeze as they approach her?  How much louder could she scream “I am a train wreck”

And then there are the ultimate bad boys, men on death row, convicted of horrible vicious crimes finding sympathetic female pen pals.   One of the most disturbing and prolific serial killers of our time, Ted Bundy even had one admirer relocate to Florida to be closer to him during his trial.  She eventually married him and gave birth to his child, while in full knowledge of his stunningly horrific crimes.  And she was only one of many, apparently Bundy received loads of fan mail from adoring women.

I read about a theory into the evolutionary reason to why some women are attracted to “bad boys”.  It was along the lines of bad boys are risk takers, and risk takers were advantageous during the time of hunting and gathering.   Once humans developed agriculture, stable and secure men, were more advantageous and won the upper hand.  I didn’t really buy into this theory since most bad boys I have known, usually lived off of a woman, either a girlfriend, wife or mother — not exactly risk takers.   And so far as I can tell no one has bothered to study why men would be attracted to such volatile women.   Mommy issues?  Masochism?  Love of drama?  I have no idea.

Is it the sex?  Are bad boys and crazy bitches great in bed?  From my own experience and from that of my friends I don’t think that is always the case.  I have heard many tales of seemingly passionate bad boys being a snooze fest and of crazy bitches who just lie there.   So although sex might play a factor in some of the bad boy, psycho bitch success, they are not always incredible lovers.

Does any of this make any logical sense?  For some, taming the wild shrew or the getting a Casanova to commit is the ultimate achievement.  For the people who love dating bad boys and psycho bitches, romance has to be full of pain, drama and passion.

Since the overwhelming disaster of my divorce I crave a  stable and calm relationship.  I don’t need to soothe the raging beast of some wild man-child.  But I keep seeing examples of it all around me in both men and women.  So I have to laugh a bit when someone points out the logic in dating.  Just like so many other aspects of human behavior, who we choose to date isn’t always so logical.

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Dating After Divorce – Wife Shoppers & Baby Momma Math

Date: September 25, 2011
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating After Divorce, Dating Online, Gay Husband, New York City, Straight Spouse
Comments: 7 Replies
English: A sleeping male baby with his arm ext...

English: A sleeping male baby with his arm extended (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I always thought I would have kids, my husband and I planned to eventually have a family, but at the age of 36 I discovered my husband was a closeted homosexual.  My marriage immediately ended and I entered the dating pool past my prime reproductive years.   I knew it would eventually take time to have healthy relationships again, and I definitely felt like my biological clock wasn’t just ticking but banging loudly like Quasimodo’s bells through my entire body.

Because I am over 35, some men view me as a lousy match if they want to have kids.  I didn’t think it would be this bad, but in my age range I tend to find hook-up artists who never want to settle down, men messed up from a break-up or divorce, extremely socially awkward men with no dating experience and the men I refer to as wife shoppers.   A wife shopper is usually the following

  • Over 40
  • Never Married – No children
  • At the peak of their professional career
  • About to buy property or has just bought property

Wife shoppers are men searching for the future mother of their children.  They make no bones about wanting to start a family and many won’t consider women over the age of 35.  Women do lose reproductive capacity after 35, and in health terms pregnancies in older mothers are deemed higher risk.  Yet none of my extended or immediate family members have had to use any extraordinary means to get pregnant.  In fact, most got pregnant almost too easily, my aunt and my grandmother both having babies in their forties.  So do I have to print out my medical history and that of my extended family and bring it to dates?  Should I put it on my online dating profiles?  Something tells me that bringing up fertility on a first date would cause most men to bolt.

I have discovered most wife shoppers through online dating websites.  Something about online sites just make it too easy for them.  Men can sort of pick the traits they prefer, height, build, eye color, hair color, age, and if a woman wants children.  On dates, a wife shopper will bring up reproducing almost before they have ordered their first drink.  One of the habits I have noticed is something I call baby momma math.  My date will look at me, ask me my age again, and then I watch them adding up how long we would have to date before trying to start a family, and they aren’t exactly subtle about it.  I have also gotten questions right off the bat such as

  • What neighborhood do you think you would want to live in?
  • Private or Public School?
  • How much debt do you have?
  • How many kids would you want to have?
  • Do you have a good relationship with your family?

I don’t remember this ever happening to me when I was in my twenties.  Maybe it’s something about the personality traits of any man who waits until they are at the peak of their career before getting married and having kids.  In their mind they have a checklist and once they have gone down everything else they want to accomplish in life they move on to starting a family.

Having my marriage end the way it did has given me major trust issues to begin with, so the idea of running down the aisle with a man hell-bent on becoming a father is terrifying.  Divorce is hell on earth and the thought of having another divorce only the second time with children is especially nightmarish.  Rushing into a situation in order to have children with a partner I barely know seems like a recipe for another divorce.

Of course women have been doing this sort of thing for ages.  It is almost a cliché of the single woman over a certain age talking about eggs, biological clocks and running out of time.  When I meet a wife shopper, at first I think it is a good sign because at least this man isn’t like the multitudes who just seem to want to get laid and nothing else.  But then I start to feel like little more than a womb.  Keeping a healthy marriage together especially one with children is extremely difficult.  The union between the two adult partners should be the most important thing, communication, lifestyles, goals, and temperaments must work in harmony before the added stress and pressures of children are added to the mix.  I have accepted that having a biological child may not happen for me, as I would rather not bring children into a haphazard marriage situation.  I just wish I could find something in between the hook-up artists and the men who think nothing of ordering up a wife they way they would a sandwich.

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Life After Divorce: Some Basics I try to remind myself of every day

Date: September 15, 2011
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Depression, Divorce, Gay Husband, Relationships, Straight Spouse
Comments: 2 Replies

IMG_0123_2

This is a blog post from another blog that I used to write, that due to confusion with this blog I am shutting down and moving my better articles over here.  🙂

So I was sort of acting as impromptu counselor for a friend who is facing a separation/divorce.  And I will repeat what I have said numerous times.  Divorce is much different from a regular break up.  You stood before your entire family, you committed your life to another person, you had legal and financial obligations, you had to go to court to actually break up, you have a wedding ring, and on and on and on.   There is just such a perceived permanence to marriage, even with a 50% divorce rate.  If you were betting on a horse, a 50% success rate wouldn’t be so bad, so thinking you might stay together forever isn’t really that far-fetched.

Divorce is hell, I am still over a year from separating from my husband and I still have dark nights of the soul, crying fits for no reason, insomnia, and the occasional panic attack.  I am doing a MILLION TIMES better than I was just a few months ago, but it is still a daily struggle.

But I try to live by these very basic rules every day.  Sometimes I succeed, and sometimes I don’t, but I try and, trying is half the battle. This is sort of what I was telling my friend tonight (who shall remain nameless) and I thought it would be good to write it down.   I get a lot of “Think Positive“ and I think that is a lame way of saying “Be Happy“ for me there is a bit more to it, and I am breaking it down.

1. Don’t Dwell on what You cannot control – Like it or not, we cannot control other people.  I can’t control the main factor that lead to my divorce, so I have to let it go.

2. Get Rid of Crazy People in Your Life – Not exactly crazy people, but people that make me crazy or encourage crazy behavior, especially self-destructive behavior.  Sometimes this is impossible if it is a family member or a roommate but if you can avoid people who make you do crazy things, do it!  They might not even know they make you crazy or are actively trying to make you crazy…..but it doesn’t matter.  People that put you into CRAZYTOWN, should be avoided.

3. Do Not Hurt Yourself – Avoid the trappings that seem like an easy fix to a complex problem, drugs, alcohol, sex with people if it is in a self-destructive way, lashing out at loved ones and friends.  I don’t do any substances and for the most part have avoided dating, but I definitely find ways to mess up my life…..trust me.

4. Surround yourself with supportive people – This one is hard with my crazy schedule but I try, I wish I could do this more often.

5. Focus on the Future not the Past – I think it is important to know your past, but not to dwell on it.  This is HARD especially while in therapy, because in therapy a therapist is usually trying to find a cause to the core problem.  I actually saw my future as a black hole when I left my husband.  I am still extremely uncertain what lies before me, but it is a little less black and more gray now.  🙂

6. Forgive yourself and others for past mistakes – This one is also very difficult for me especially.  I won’t get into it, but because of childhood issues, I have difficulty letting go of things and especially with forgiveness.  My biggest problem is forgiving myself.  I tend to beat myself up over things that I cannot go back and fix.

7. Ask for Help when you need it – This one is beyond hard for me.  It always has been, but I tell myself that I am a weaker person when I DON’T ask for help.  No one is perfect, everyone needs help sometimes.

8. Stop Saying “What if?” –  What if I had not dated so soon after leaving my husband?  What if I had left him earlier?  What if I had never married him in the first place?  Do these questions really do me any good?  NO, they just make me crazy.  And they will never stop, so I have to stop them…..I will never know the answer to WHAT IF?  So I have to stop asking!!!

9. Don’t ignore reality – When I start to spiral I say to myself, I have a great apartment, I am working, I am healthy, I have the best friends, supportive family, and the two world’s greatest cats, and compared to how a lot of people live in this world I have it pretty good.

10. It is going to get better – This has become a mantra I say to myself nearly nightly, although it is usually “It is going to be OK, It is going to be OK”  Life has a way of constantly changing, and even though things are bad now, they could very easily get better soon.

11. Find something that makes you really happy and do it – For me that is performing and more specifically singing and music.  One good thing that has happened through this whole mess is that I have re-found my love for singing that studying music had sort of beaten out of me.  🙂

12. Try to throw away the bad advice and take the good – I can’t tell you how much well meaning bad advice I have gotten.  It is extremely difficult at times to just let this stuff roll off of me, especially comments about my Ex-husband and judgments on myself and my marriage when the people giving the advice are uninformed.

13. When in doubt find my cats – They are pure love, they are furry, they purr, and they never let me down.

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Dating after Divorce – The Fairy Tale is Over

Date: July 30, 2011
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating After Divorce, Uncategorized
Comments: 11 Replies

I tell my mother almost every time we speak.

“Mom, dating is just a different game when you are divorced and over 35″

I left my husband because after a total of nine years together, seven of which were as a married couple, he came out as a homosexual.  I really had no choice but to end the marriage, and one of the worst things since leaving him has been what feels like a life sentence of being alone.  Again, I know that sounds bleak, but dating in New York is difficult, dating in New York after being divorced and over the prime years of your life is next to impossible.

The real differences that I see are in my friends that are about a decade or so younger than myself.  Many of which are now getting engaged, married or moving in together.  They have that youthful giddiness and excitement that is rare in people past a certain age.  Not to say that being 38 is old, because it is not, but it isn’t the same as being 28.  My friends who are approaching marriage all believe that they will beat the odds.  They look at their partners with that look of pure love and adoration in which all of their problems will be solved through this perfect mate.  Both men and women get like this and it is a sweet thing to see.   But the same quality is rare in those of us who have lived a little bit longer, and had what we thought was the relationship to last forever, crumble before our eyes.

Even though I don’t look my age, I openly admit that I am 38 to anyone who cares to know.  I know as a performer I should try to keep this secret, but since my career consists mainly of performing in bars, I don’t really worry about the public knowing the year of my birth.  It’s not like I am losing jobs because of my age, as I am not getting much of anything offered to me to begin with.  And I look at it this way; I have lived a life, I am not a young kid and I don’t hide it.

My problem with dating, is that at first I had the expectation that it would be just like when I was in my twenties.  Men would be more excited and enthusiastic about wanting to date me, they would have higher expectations about the relationship and once committed it might last at least a few months.  But what I have found is men that are too wrapped up in their own divorce dramas, too busy raising children from a previous marriage, too involved in their jobs, or just too jaded to feel vulnerable enough to commit to another person.   I can only speak of my own experience, but I hear the same thing from men about divorced single mothers, or divorced women.

And then of course there are those that I have written about before on this blog.  The men and women who are just not the committed relationship partner type, and never will be.   They are in their early forties and have never lived with a partner much less been married or engaged.  For multiple reasons such as, personal preference, demanding jobs, lifestyle habits, personality problems, or simply the love of being single they will never marry or commit to one partner for any length of time.  Then there are all of those age appropriate men that are married or in a committed long-term relationship and aren’t going to be single any time soon, if ever again.

So given this, I have had to readjust my expectations of dating.  It is an extremely difficult adjustment for me but now when trying to date I have come to expect the following

  • Expect to see the person less, than I would like.
  • Expect the relationship to fall apart with very little warning – It seems the older people get, the quicker they will abandon a relationship they don’t think is working.  At least that has been my observation from my own experience and my friends.
  • Realize that a potential partner might be overwhelmed with caring for children, so much so that I don’t get the attention I used to getting in a relationship
  • Have to help the partner deal with their own sense of loss from a divorce
  • Help the partner deal with anger or an ongoing war with their former spouse or girlfriend.
  • Learn not to rely on a partner for as much emotional support as I was used to in my marriage
  • Expect more guarded, and wounded people in the dating pool

With all of these obstacles it just comes down to a position of how much can a person deal with, and what is worth it for the bigger picture.  So a new guy may not call me every day, but is that so horrible?  And I may only get to see him once a week or even less, but as I am a busy person myself, do I need to see them more?  I have to take every man on a case by case basis, what is tolerable and what is unacceptable.

And honestly when I look around at my circle of friends I tend to see this pattern over and over again.  The younger couples have the excitement I remember from my early to mid-twenties.  While the older couples seem more practical and subdued, they also seem to date less.

It is as if as a divorced person we don’t believe in fairy tales anymore because our own fairy tale for whatever reason was destroyed.  So a partner may not consume our lives and hearts and minds as they did when we were younger.  I no longer expect a man to fall “head over heels” in love with me anymore.  And I don’t know if I necessarily want that anyway, because at one point in my life it is how I felt about my husband.  And that enthusiasm is exactly what blinded me to reality that he kept so carefully guarded.

I know there are exceptions, and some people really do get amazing romances the second or third or even forth time around.  I haven’t seen a lot of evidence that it is going to happen for me and I am not expecting it anymore.  But I can’t completely give up hope, at least I am not looking at the situation with rose-colored glasses.   And as I say all the time

“Dating in your late thirties after a divorce is just a different game”

I just have to learn how to play it.

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Dating Online – Mr. Let’s Keep it Casual

Date: February 5, 2011
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating After Divorce, Dating Online, New York City
Comments: 4 Replies

My article about men that I have dubbed the “Wife Shoppers” was so popular, I thought I would keep it going with their counterpart….Mr. Let’s Keep it Casual. I have also called them “Player Light”

  • Age – Any age, but then tend to be younger…under 35
  • Marital Status – Most have never been married
  • Most have no children – although they come in all types
  • Usually attractive and in shape, but not always
  • Not liberal with compliments towards you in any way – This would give you too much power in their minds, so don’t expect a lot of praise or adoration
  • Emotionally distant

The Introduction – Early into the correspondence, or into the first meeting of “Let’s Keep it Casual” the man will lay his cards out on the table.  A technique that some of my male psychology books call….announcing the exit strategy.  The give you the endgame before the game has even started lines like

  • “I don’t get emotionally involved”
  • “I like to keep things casual”
  • “I am not looking for anything serious”
  • “I am really busy and I don’t have time to commit to one person”
  • “I like to date multiple women at the same time” – At least he is being honest, so if you are OK with that then go for it, just don’t expect it to change.
  • “My ex really messed me up, so I can’t bond with anyone on a deep level right now” – Sadly I’ve encounted a few men who just use this as a line.  Take this one with a grain of salt.

They are all basically saying the same thing.  Look, don’t even think about considering me boyfriend material.  I respect the bluntness and honesty, and they are laying the groundwork for when a woman might push for something more they will say, and mean it.

  • “Look, I told you where I stood before we even got together”

The Plan of Action – They might send a friendly text, always when they are already out, or available, usually in the evening or weekends asking What is up? They don’t ask personal questions, they don’t send personal emails of any length or importance.  Generally they don’t use the phone for anything other than text messages.  Most correspondence is just about getting sex when they want it, and on their terms. They are hoping that you will drop whatever you are doing, meet up with them.  They don’t have to take you out to dinner, or a movie, they don’t have to spend any real time getting to know you, they don’t have to spend any money on you except maybe a few drinks and they get sex when it is convenient for them.  I call them “Player Light” because unlike a player, at least they are fairly upfront an honest about their intentions.   So if you are open to a sexually based relationship with little else….these boys might be for you.

The reality though, is that these relationships rarely work out according to plan.  Now I have plenty of friends that openly live a polyamorous lifestyle of having several lovers scattered all over the city and they are perfectly happy with that situation.  Not everyone is happy in a traditional monogamous relationship, and they aren’t meant to live within the constrains of one.

What tends to happen, is that Mr. Let’s Keep it Casual might end up treating you like a low grade girlfriend.   If a situation like this goes on long enough, the man will ultimately start dumping his emotional baggage either before or after sex.  But he set up such rigid standards on the relationship, don’t expect that he’ll be as open to you doing the same.  Most women engage in soul purging all day long with their female friends so it isn’t exactly unheard of for a woman to treat a man, especially one they are having sex with, in the same way.  Human beings aren’t robots, and our brain chemistry alone goes a bit berserk after an orgasm, so it is natural to bond on a deeper level with a sexual partner, especially after a period of time.   So good luck on keeping things completely unemotional with Mr. Let’s Keep it Casual, unless of course you simply “tap it” a few times and then never again.

If the woman takes the initiative and actually dictates when they “hang out” then Mr. Let’s Keep it Casual might protest that they are being needy.   Because so many times, Mr. Let’s Keep it Casual is really just saying I want what I want, when I want it, and if you aren’t cool with that, then forget it.  It is a selfish and immature way of dealing with a partner of any kind.

The biggest trap when dealing with a man like this is the concept of the magical power of the vagina.  Many think their winning personality and great sex will somehow win a guy over and CHANGE HIM!  Sure this could happen, but it probably won’t.  If a man tells you right off the bat that they aren’t looking for anything beyond a sexual relationship, they probably mean it. He probably will never see you in a different light because you entered the situation with the cards stacked against you.    And just because he starts to bitch about his problems at work or how his ex-girlfriend never understood him, doesn’t mean you have won him over.   If you want a no strings attached sexual partner, these guys might be perfect for you.  But if you want something more….keep looking.

One of the main things that attracts me to a man is his intellect and point of view, so a Mr. Let’s Keep it Casual, really bores me.  They won’t allow me to get to know them on anything but a base carnal level.  So at least for a girl like myself, they don’t really stimulate me all that much.  I like to be intrigued by a man, on a deeper level than simply wondering when the next text message of “What’s Up?“ is going to arrive.  When they use text speck such as “Hey grl what U doing?  R U kk?”  It’s like a million cold showers all at once.  If you are going to try to hook up with me, at least write in full sentences and use proper English.

The other trap is that a man who is in serious relationship or married might seek a casual relationship in order to cheat.  They won’t want to bond with you, because they are just using you for sex.  This has nearly happened to me a few times, luckily I’ve always discovered the truth before I fell for it.

When I’ve found myself on dates with guys like this, I just think of my own exit strategies.  I might make them think they have a shot with me, as it just makes the date much more pleasant.   They don’t know the minute I hear a line like “I don’t get emotionally attached” I have already given up.  The only people I can think of that really don’t get emotionally attached are sociopaths…..and do I really want to date one of those?

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