Archives

Life After Divorce: Removing the Stigma of Divorce

Date: March 25, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Divorce, Relationships, Straight Spouse, Uncategorized
Comments: 13 Replies

I have heard some buzz about certain politicians advocating for tougher divorce laws.  So I did some research in the anti-divorce movement some of what I found really made my head spin.  For instance in an article of a certain pro-marriage website www.smartmarriages.com I found the following

It is hardly debatable that many of society’s ills can be traced to the continuing high rates of marital distress and divorce.

I would argue that there are plenty of other things contributing to society’s ills, but in order to stay on topic I won’t list them here.  What followed that statement was actually a fairly balanced discussion on the pros and cons of enacting tougher divorce laws.  What I found disturbing however is that in 2012 anyone would debate making divorce less accessible.

Our culture has grown leaps and bounds since the 1950’s and earlier when most of society viewed divorced people with suspicion and derision.  But the stigma of being divorced hasn’t completely gone away.  Every time a divorced political candidate runs for office, the press scrutinizes their marital history as it is somehow indicative of their moral character.   Entertainers and public figures are not immune to this criticism either.  As crusaders of conservative values like Rush Limbaugh who himself is on his fourth wife.  Or Newt Gingrich who can’t seem to stop getting married, then having and affair only to then marry his mistress.  Then there is Jennifer Lopez already over marriage number three at 42 and Larry King on marriage number eight.  And of course we have Kim Kardashian who after a lavish televised wedding for her second marriage, filed for divorce after only 72 days.   Some people seem to have a marriage problem.  And then there is the rest of us.

I married once, and for reasons completely out of my control my marriage ended.  I am not deficient or somehow morally bankrupt as a result.  It was not a weakness on my part that my marriage fell apart.  My husband was a closeted homosexual, I discovered as much and got out as soon as I possibly could.  For many of my divorced friends they also felt like they had no choice but to leave their marriages.  One of my friends found out her husband was a criminal and when confronted with this information he blamed her, even though she knew nothing about his criminal activity.  Another friend married a man who refused to seek treatment for his bi-polar disorder.  A disease he struggled with in the past but had hidden from his wife.  His untreated mental illness made him physically and emotionally abusive to both herself and their child.  Since he refused treatment, she also had no choice but to leave the relationship.   Or in the case of several of my friends, one spouse simply did not want to remain in a monogamous relationship and continually had extramarital affairs.  What is the other spouse supposed to do?  Stick around and put up with the constant deception, open themselves up to possibly getting a sexually transmitted disease, stay faithful to a partner who is not faithful to them?  And in some marriages one spouse becomes overwhelmingly emotionally or physically abusive, constantly tearing down or controlling the other.  Should someone stay in that situation?  I think not.

Are we supposed to feel like failed people because our partners made it impossible for us to stay in our marriages?  Are we emotionally weak or deficient?  Are we morally bankrupt?  Have we committed some horrible crime against society?  When I hear of conservatives promoting laws to make divorce more difficult I want to scream.  Marriage is a personal matter between two people.  Should the government intervene for the sake of society and prevent divorce?  We all know of couples who stay together in a mutually destructive dance of co-dependency, or marriages in which one partner suffers irrecoverably while the other uses them as an emotional punching bag.  Is an injurious marriage preferable to a divorce?

In my case there were no children involved, the only people who have suffered have been my former spouse and myself.  How are we destroying society?  And when children are present, should restrictive divorce laws force them to stay in a painful and destructive household in which one or both parents are miserable?   I can’t imagine that environment could lead to a healthy childhood.

Marriage is just a relationship made more complicated by social and legal ramifications.  If one or both parties want to leave a marriage the government should not force them to stay together for the sake of society.  Of course some individuals do abuse marriage and make both marriage and divorce seem trivial.  But most of us were just doing the best we could, and maybe we ended up with the wrong partner.  Maybe we got married too young, maybe we felt pressured into it, maybe we just made a foolish choice.  It doesn’t matter, most divorced people are not morally bankrupt and we are not the bane of society.  Thank goodness we live in a country where we can legally walk away from these toxic unions, and anyone would prevent us from doing so is the truly morally corrupt person.

Follow me on Twitter https://twitter.com/JulietJeske

Add me on Facebook Juliet Jeske Facebook Fan Page

Online Dating: Advice for Men – How to Pick a Good Photos for Your Profile

Date: March 8, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating - NYC, Dating Online, New York City, Relationships, Uncategorized
Comments: 4 Replies

I am writing this because I just keep seeing the same thing over and over and it is making me crazy. I know most dating websites have general tips and tricks on picking the best profile photos.  I am not sure who is reading the advice given because I just checked my Match.com profile and in one day saw so many great examples of what NOT to do…I felt compelled…the blog must come out.

The absolute first thing you should do before publishing your profile or emailing anyone is: Have a trusted female friend look over your photos, your essay and everything else.  I cannot stress this enough.  Your mother doesn’t count.  You need a woman close to your age who knows you, and has your best interest at heart.  An ex-girlfriend is perfect, as long as you are on good terms.

Here are a few bad photo trends that I see repeatedly:

#1 – Bathroom Mirror Self-portrait – If you are really going to the full cliché then take every photo of yourself without a shirt.  Just make sure we can see the cell phone in the photo, and make it clear that you are in your bathroom.  Some men have nothing but shot after shot of themselves flexing in the mirror.  If you want to look like a Jersey Shore type of douche bag – this is the perfect way to make that happen.

#2 – A photos of yourself with an ex-girlfriend with the woman’s face blacked out –  When there is a big black box over the face of a former lover it speaks volumes. It says a lot about what you think of that person, and what it is saying is not very nice.  The same goes for the artful crop, that is we can tell that you have carefully cropped out a former girlfriend.  It’s fine on one photo but not so cool if all of your photos are like this.

3. Every photo is a group photo. – You would think this one would be obvious.  It says something about you if every single photo is a group photo…and what it is saying is that yes, you have friends..BUT you are hiding something…not good.

4. All of your photos are taken from a far distance. – I don’t get the landscape photos, or photos from vacation that include no humans whatsoever.  A photo of a nice sunset is lovely, but it says very little about what you look like.  When I see this, I just assume the man is married, or hideous.  It seems shady.  Don’t do it.

5. Really old photos – Some guys take this to the extreme, I have seen photos from the 1970’s complete with the yellowed sepia film and obvious hair and wardrobe choices that are clearly not from this decade.  It’s great if you had a wonderful bushy stash in the year in which I was born….but I would like to see what you look like now.

6. Nudity – The only exception to this rule is if you are looking for hook-ups or casual sex and you are making that very clear on the rest of your profile.  Then by all means…show the goods.  But there are sites for that sort of thing.  Generally speaking on most dating sites, nudity will get you kicked off and your photos will be taken down.  It is also probably not going to work as well as you think it is.  Women like a nice looking male body, but you run the risk of repulsing a lot of women.  It’s kind of like going up to a stranger and flashing them.  If you are at a swingers club, this behavior could be extremely welcome.  But if you are just standing on the street – women are libel to just run away from you.  Most women just aren’t wired in quite the same way as the average male. Also your body might not be as smoking hot as you think it is.  When in doubt – show a female friend and she what she thinks.

7. Scuba Gear – I have seen so many profiles in which the majority of photos are a man in scuba gear.  Not one photo, but every photo.  To me that says the man is either married, not confident in what he looks like, or embarrassed by being on an online dating site.   Well get over it and show your face!  Scuba gear gets its own category because it is nearly an epidemic online.  I have no explanation for it, but it drives me crazy!

8. Sports – Sure some women love sports maybe even more than you do, but if every single photo of yourself on your profile is one of you playing a sport, it might be a turn-off for some.  It’s not the worst thing you can do and it does say to any potential date…”I love sports!”  But you might want to throw in a straight shot of yourself just hanging out, instead of having every single shot in tiny running shorts covered in sweat.

9. Ironic boa, dress, women’s clothing – WHY? WHY? WHY do I keep finding these?  It’s just confusing unless cross dressing is your thing.   In one man’s profile,  half of his photos were in full drag, while the other half were in mens clothing.   He was open about being a cross dresser and I had to give him kudos for that.  Sure, he will turn off most women, but for the women who are actually seeking a cross-dresser the profile will be a magnet for them.  I all for honesty!  If you are cross dressing as an ironic joke, women who don’t know you may not get your sense of humor.

10. All Body shots, none of the face – This one just makes me think – married man. I’ve actually found numerous profiles like this where the man explains he is married and cheating on his wife.  One even said he was specifically not in an open marriage, nor was he polyamorous – he was just looking to cheat.  If you aren’t married, then why not show your face?  Nearly everyone tries online dating at some point.  There is no shame in looking for love online, and I have actually encountered a few men online with fairly high profile jobs.  Don’t hide.  If you want to look suspicious having no face shots is an easy way to do it.

11. Pay attention to your backdrop and details – I’ve seen many photos with men still wearing their wedding rings.  They could be old photos, but they are definitely sending a mixed message.  The married man who boasted about cheating on his wife had a baby fence behind him in one of his shots.  Sure it could have been for a dog, but it looked absolutely dreadful.

12. Only one shot – You can’t be bothered. And it increases the likelihood that you won’t look like this one photo.  I have found a good rule of thumb is 5-6 but it never bothers me when a man has 20, as long as 10 of them aren’t landscape shots.

I know men read this blog, because I can tell when they search for it.  Hopefully some of them might re-think their online profile photos after they read this, but maybe not.  I want everyone to find the love of their life out there, so put your best face forward…and please show your freaking face!

Related articles

Follow me on Twitter https://twitter.com/JulietJeske

Add me on Facebook Juliet Jeske Facebook Fan Page

Dating in NYC: What Men should NOT do on a first or second date.

Date: February 15, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating - NYC, Divorce, Relationships
Comments: 19 Replies
Texting on a qwerty keypad phone

Image via Wikipedia

I am adding the following disclaimer to all of my dating related blog posts.  I change details, and create composite characters when I write about dating archetypes such as “Mr. Houdini, Mr. Angry, etc.  I would hate it if someone wrote about a high energy blonde comedian negatively in a blog, so because of that I never include a person’s occupation or anything about their physical description.  I also change enough details that I doubt anyone I am referring to would even recognize themselves if they read one of my articles.   I have split one person into three, or taken several people and put them all into one example.  So simply put, I am very ethical on this blog.

A happily married friend suggested that I should write this list because as he put it.

Some men just have no clue

And because I get a lot of men on this blog searching for all sorts of knowledge about dating, I thought I would give it a shot.  So based on my experience and an extremely unscientific poll of feedback from my female friends, ranging in age from early 20’s to late 50’s I came up with this list.  Many of these are obvious and universal as they apply to both genders.  And mind you I am far from the “perfect” dater.  I make every mistake known to man…and then some.  But in the interest of the public good….here we go.

These tips apply to when you are actually on a date with a woman…not before.  Online dating tips are another thing entirely.

Tip #1 – Don’t forget to compliment the woman on her appearance.  You don’t have to say much but you had better believe that whomever agreed to go out with you or meet you for a drink has spent a great deal of time on their wardrobe, hair and makeup.  Even the less is more type of gal is going to want to impress, so a simple, “You look nice” or “You look lovely” will do.  It is always a huge mistake to say nothing, especially on date number one or two when you barely know the woman. When a man says nothing to me, I assume he is not that interested.

Tip #2 – Don’t look cheap – You don’t have to spend a lot of cash, it can be as little as a drink.  Under no circumstances go dutch.  It is just rude, especially on the first date and especially if you were the one asking her out.  You don’t need to buy an elaborate meal, and you don’t need to spend a small fortune.  But at least OFFER, she may decline but it is a nice gesture.   Even if you think that in 2012 you shouldn’t have to do this,  it is simple common courtesy to offer something even just a cup of coffee or a glass of wine.

Tip #3 – Don’t bitch about ex-girlfriends or ex-wives – I am extremely guilty of this one – just don’t do it!  It is best to keep things light.  You might mention the divorce or breakup, but then do not bash your ex or go on and on about her.  It just makes a woman feel completely ignored, and as if she is some type of free therapist…BAD FORM.  When men have done this to me, I might feel sorry for them, but I don’t take them seriously as a potential partner.

Tip #4 – Don’t complain about money, that you have no money, or that you are broke…even if you are broke.  Again, you need not be a Rockafeller to impress your date.  I know of countless lower income men who do quite well with the ladies.  When you bitch about your finances you might make the woman uncomfortable, or feel obligated to somehow take care of you.   It is a lot of pressure and totally inappropriate.  You can bring this up later, but when you first meet someone, it’s generally a bad idea.

Tip #5 – Don’t start talking about sex too soon – Now this one is true in most cases unless you met this woman on a hook-up site or for the express purposes of just having sex with her.  In most cases you will just freak out your date and she will want nothing to do with you. If she brings the topic up first, then its different.  Never assume however, that sex talk will lead to sex.

Tip #6 – Don’t text or talk on the phone in front of your date – If it is a work related or family matter, get to quickly and get back to the date right away.  It’s best to physically walk to the bathroom, or to another area when you do it, then apologize profusely and get back to you date.  Don’t make a habit of it, and don’t constantly check your email or text messages in front of your date.

Tip #7 – Don’t go on a bitch fest – So many times I have sat down at a table with a perfect stranger and they just go off on some rant about their landlord, their job, their neighbors or any number of things.  It makes a horrible first impression and it is best avoided.

Tip #8 – Don’t go down a laundry list of questions – Sure everyone loves to talk about themselves but you can make a person feel interrogated when you simply throw one question right after another.  A date is not a job interview relax, talk about something light like the weather.  Also wait for her answer.  I can’t tell you how many dates I have gone on where a man asks me a question, only to cut me off before I answered it.

Tip #9 – Avoid lightening rod topics – Again obvious, but you would be surprised what I have heard from friends: abortion, politics, rape, religion, avoid anything that might alienate you from your new potential partner.  It is one thing if you already have a good idea of the person’s religious or political beliefs from an online dating profile or if you know you have similar beliefs.  But this is not time to preach or convert, if you never want to see the woman again, then this is a sure-fire way to make that happen.   And don’t ask your date if she wants children on a first date – you are putting her on the spot and it is WAY too early to worry about that yet.

Tip #10 – Don’t ask about her former boyfriends or how many sexual partners she has had – This one is just plain rude.  A general rule of thumb is if you wouldn’t feel comfortable answering something don’t ask another person.  And although men might like to brag about how high their number of partners might be, women are usually the opposite.  There are always exceptions to this rule however as some of my female friends make no bones about having a plethora of partners.

Tip #11 – Don’t take her somewhere where you can’t talk – Movies are terrible as you won’t engage in much conversation, as are many music venues.  Keep it simple, but make sure you get to talk if this person is a relative stranger to you.  You might find that she will like you MORE if you actually talk.  Rather than taking her someplace impressive where you will barely share a few sentences between each other. Again if you are just intending on having a sexual relationship with her and not much more, than go ahead and take her to a loud club.  You might confuse or annoy a woman who is looking for a hook-up if you ask her to go on a traditional date.  She might just want to have sex with you and skip the formalities – but make sure you are both want the same thing, before assuming anything.

Tip #12 – Don’t bring up another woman you want to go out with – Think I am kidding on this one?  It just happened.  A somewhat nervous man trying to forward the conversation openly admitted to correspondence with another woman (one I happened to know) on an online dating website.  She happened to be a comedian.  He said he hadn’t gone out with her yet, but was hoping to eventually meet her because he found her fascinating.  I couldn’t make this one up….NEXT!  I have made the mistake of talking about past men, but never a man I wanted to go out with in the future – that is madness.  It’s also tacky to tell a petite woman how much you have a crush on a celebrity that is tall and curvy, the same goes with going on and on about how hot a tall and slender blonde celebrity is when you are on a date with a shorter curvy gal.  Like it or not she is going to make the assumption that whomever you are describing is what you prefer.  DON’T COMPARE YOUR DATE WITH ANOTHER WOMAN.   After you have been dating a while this kind of talk is fine. But when you are just getting to know someone just don’t go there, unless of course you are describing some celebrity your date happens to resemble then it’s not so bad.  I’m a taller than average athletic blonde, when some guy goes on and on about a curvy brunette who is 5’2″, my heart sinks.

Tip #13 – Don’t force her into a socially awkward situation – Don’t also try to meet up with friends, and then force your date to hang out with them.   Your date is essentially a total stranger to you, shoving her into a social situation with a new person, or a bunch of new people is just going to make her more anxious.  When you make the date, and force your date into meeting more new people because it is convenient for you, you are essentially telling your date that she is not that important.  It is a bad call, rude and it shows you have no game.  A first date is not the time for multitasking, if you blow it, you probably won’t get a second chance.  If you would rather see your out-of-town friends, then don’t plan the date on the same night, or end the date and then go hang out with your old friends.

Tip #14 – Don’t openly criticize your date – Look these situations are strange for everyone, for you and your date.  It might take a minute for you both to calm down and really start talking.  If you make a judgment on your date, she will most likely shut down immediately and just want to leave.  And no one wants criticism like this, especially from a virtual stranger and when they are vulnerable on a date.  If your date is being overtly rude to you, it might be time to just end the date and go home.   But if you WANT to see this woman again, don’t pick her apart.  This might seem like common sense, but it happens more than people think.   I have heard way too many stories and had my own experiences with this one.  Personal pet peeve – Hey I thought you were a comedian, why aren’t you funnier? – Well maybe because I am not ALWAYS working.  If I here that particular question one more time…

Tip #15 – Never assume you are going to have sex – This should be obvious but I thought I should write it anyway.  A woman is under no obligation to have sex with you, make out with you or even kiss you – even if you have paid for dinner and drinks.  You might think the date is going extremely well, while your date might never want to see you again.  Some women will go along on date out of a sense of politeness, some will send mixed signals, and some will be downright confusing – it’s all part of the game.  I’ve heard stories of women grinding into men on the dance floor, making out in bars, or kissing for hours in cars who will ultimately say no to sex. You only get to have sex with a woman if she agrees to it.  This is true regardless of the amount of time you spend with her, the amount of effort you put into the date, or even if you spend a fortune on the date.  No always means no.  If you just want to hook-up with a woman, you should make your intentions clear early on.  She may not want to go out with you on a traditional date anyway. Some women are perfectly fine with just sex, but communication is key.  Never assume anything without consent!

If anyone has more tips for me I will gladly add them.  🙂

Follow me on Twitter https://twitter.com/JulietJeske

Add me on Facebook Juliet Jeske Facebook Fan Page

Unconditional Love – Why it is such a bad idea

Date: February 13, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Depression, Divorce, Gay Husband, Relationships, Straight Spouse, Uncategorized
Comments: 8 Replies
unconditional.

Image via Wikipedia

I have a feeling this post might upset some people.  But I have thought that before and it hasn’t stopped me yet.  As Valentine’s Day approaches I think of the cliché line that is often uttered in Victorian novels, romantic comedies and tales of epic romances.

I will always love you, unconditionally

I find this statement not just unrealistic but downright dangerous.  The only vessels on this earth that should receive unconditional love are children and pets.  For one adult to pledge to unconditionally love another adult is a little fantastical.  As we all have conditions on lovers and their behavior.  Many a lifetime has been destroyed trying to live up to this myth that true love will conquer all, or that somehow no matter what the obstacles love will live forever.  I would agree that if the obstacles and stresses are external that this type of love should be striven for in every intimate relationship.  For instance, if one is stricken with a horrible disease it is noble and inspirational if their partner stays by their side through thick and thin.  That kind of unconditional love is a beautiful thing that we should all hope and strive for in this life.

But what if one partner begins to abuse, damage or hurt the other partner?    What if they have sexual relationships outside the relationship without the other partners consent?  What if one repeatedly puts their own needs before their partners?  What if one weaves a tapestry of lies and deception living a secret life without their partner’s knowledge?  Is it right to love them unconditionally despite this extremely destructive and hurtful behavior?  Abusive behavior should not be brushed aside due to some vow of “unconditional” love.  We should never become a doormat to an idea or notion that is unattainable.  I stayed in my marriage years longer than I should have because I thought that if I loved my husband enough, that it would save the marriage.  But my marriag,e constructed of lies more than anything else, was not salvageable.  I had no hope in keeping it together no matter what I did.

I know of some relationships that take great pride in the length that they have survived as a couple, yet some of these relationships are no more than two co-dependent toxic people who cannot live without each other.  I think of the example of the play Who’s Afraid of Virgina Wolf  in which Martha and George, have been together for over two decades in a relationship of constant bickering, fighting and mutual destruction.   The main forces keeping them together being fear, co-dependence and alcoholism.  Is that “unconditional” love?  We all know couples in our real lives that exist this way and they are nothing to envy.

I also used to find it romantic when a spouse would lose another due to death and then never remarry.  After my divorce I find that notion horribly depressing and sad.  Sad that the surviving spouse was never able to make that same kind of connection with another human being.   They should still love and honor their deceased partner, but with enough time to grieve should try to find someone new to let into their life.  As most partner’s would not want their surviving spouse to remain lonely forever.

Unconditional love  is ultimately self-destructive unless it is unconditional love for ourselves.  I am not saying that we should love ourselves in such a way that we don’t see our short-comings, poor choices or mistakes.  We should never see ourselves as anything but the flawed human beings that we are, but if anything we should have so much love for ourselves that we don’t allow another to treat us in such destructive ways.   And to hell to the silly novels, lame romantic comedies and articles in Cosmopolitan that tell us otherwise.  A healthy adult relationship should have boundaries and conditions.  To love someone who is abusive to you is not love, and it is nothing noble it is a form of self-loathing if nothing else.

Related articles

Follow me on Twitter https://twitter.com/JulietJeske

Add me on Facebook Juliet Jeske Facebook Fan Page

Dating Online – Why you get ignored

Date: January 23, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating Online, New York City, Relationships, Uncategorized
Comments: 34 Replies
Question mark

Image via Wikipedia

This post is more for the men out there than the women.  But if you have spent a lot of time on dating websites you will totally relate to these suggestions.  So thanks to the handy features on WordPress, I can tell what people search for when they stumble upon this blog.  One of the saddest things that comes up a few times a week is something along the following.

“Men on dating websites, Why do my emails get ignored?”

or

“Why do women ignore me on online dating sites”

Well if it makes you feel better, everyone I know gets ignored on dating websites.  From extremely attractive young women to grandfathers looking for age appropriate sweethearts.   EVERYONE GETS IGNORED!

I tend to ignore most obvious inappropriate matches that end up in my inbox because I have found that when I respond, even in an extremely polite manner….the responses I get back are snide, angry or filled with venom.   And I get it, as no one likes rejection even if it is over something like having an allergy to cats.  So don’t sweat it, here are some common reasons why you may not hear from a lovely lady after you have sent her an email.  And think about it, would you really want the reason spelled out?  How would it help you?  The blow-off is just part of the game, don’t take it personally.

Reason #1 – You live too far away (And in NYC it might mean no more than 10-20 miles)

Typical responses – What do you mean I live to far away?  Come on I could drive to your place in 20 minutes, why are you so uptight.  Think outside of the box, Long Island to Brooklyn is really no big deal….and it can go on and on from there with increasing venom.  Look not everyone in NYC drives a car or has access to a car and they may not want to rely on a significant other to get back and forth from their place.  They might also never want to relocate, so you are better off looking locally for your dream woman.  About half of my mail comes from men in other countries and other states, I don’t get it as most men and women aren’t looking for a long-distance relationship with a total stranger.

Reason #2 – You are too old/young

Typical responses – What are you some type of ageist?  Lighten up!  You shouldn’t discriminate on age, I am a great guy and everyone who knows me knows that. (typical from an older guy) or I like older women!  I don’t care if you are 13 years older than me, we can make something happen!  You are so hot baby why do have a thing against younger guys?  And this goes on and on and on….Most women just want to date someone relatively close to their age, as most people do.  It is really not that unreasonable an expectation.

Reason #3 – They are just not attracted to you

I don’t have the heart to tell someone this.  Even though I could in most cases, and I am sure a lot of men look at my profile and think the same thing.  It is just part of dating, some guys don’t like blondes or they don’t like women who are taller than them or they like curvier women.  Personally I never want to know when this is the case, because physical attraction is never the same for two people.  I love to wear makeup, heels, skirts, dresses and sometimes curl and spray my hair.  Some men prefer an all natural woman, so they are not the men for me.  If a woman is just not flat-out attracted to your photos, you really don’t want a response.  Trust me you don’t.

Reason #4 – Lifestyle

A woman reads your profile and thinks to herself, we have nothing in common and seem to have completely different lifestyles I can’t imagine this will work out. If you work 9-5 and the woman you sent an email to works at night just arranging a first date could be hard enough much less trying to see them often.

Reason #5 – General compatibility

This could be anything from pets, religion, having children, never wanting children, political beliefs…anything could scream deal breaker to a potential partner, and they may not know how to tell you.  We are all puzzle pieces just trying to see what fits, don’t take any of this personally.  Would you really want to get a list from a woman of all the reasons she doesn’t think you will be a compatible partner?  I wouldn’t want to get that in my inbox.  Don’t worry about it and move on.

Reason #6 – Your profile is overly negative or nearly blank

Putting a list of what you don’t want or don’t like in a profile might seem productive, but it usually just turns women off.  I think the same goes for everyone.  Ranting and raving about how much dating sucks, or how horrible dating websites are is better to put on a blog than a dating profile…much like THIS blog!  HA!  Just keep your profile simple and positive.  When in doubt have a friend look over what you have written, a female friend is best, before you publish it.  Also some guys have extremely sarcastic profiles and they might work for some, but I know many women who are immediately turned off by them.  But this is no hard rule as I am sure some women love a goofy or sarcastic profile.  And if you haven’t filled out your profile don’t expect a ton of email responses, if you are getting a lot then it is just based on what you look like and you might just waste a bunch of time on dates only to then discover your date isn’t kosher with half of the things that make you, the wonderful and unique person that you are, such as political beliefs, pets, children, work schedules, hobbies….etc.

Reason #7 – Your profile photo is too overtly sexual or revealing

This one freaks out a lot of women, I don’t know what to tell you guys but men and women are generally wired very differently.  A man might find a photo of a gal in a bikini absolutely what they are looking for in a profile.  Yet when a woman looks at a man’s profile and find nearly every photo of a half-naked guy it is sometimes a huge turn-off.  I have no idea how this is for men seeking men, or women seeking women, but generally speaking if you are a straight man looking for a straight woman you are better off with more clothing on than less.  Of course there are always exceptions, some women want to see as much as possible before they meet you.  And if you are just looking for casual sex the half-naked or nearly naked photo could be EXACTLY what you need to find appropriate partners.

Reason #8 – You only have one photo or no photo

This particular one drives me crazy because most of the time, the one photo is partially obscured or taken form a weird angle.  It just makes me think that the guy is married or hiding something.  I never trust a profile that only gives me a sliver of a man’s face.  And any profile with no photo is extremely suspect…it is basically how to look married on an online dating website!  HA!

Reason #9 – The woman you emailed isn’t that active on the site

I don’t really know why I do this but I just get burnt out by the whole thing and stop bothering to check emails, winks and quiver matches etc.  So you might feel dissed, but that woman might be ignoring her entire profile for months and it has nothing to do with you.  Or she might have just entered into a new relationship and isn’t sure where it is going so her profile is still up, but not really active.  There is a huge gray area when it comes to dating.  Again, don’t sweat it.

Reason #10 – The profile you emailed might be phony

I do know of people who put profiles out there as jokes, just to see what they would get.  I am also pretty sure that some dating sites use phony profiles as I have written before about eHarmony sending me “icebreakers” from users when my profile had been shutdown for over a year.  So either the profile contacting me was fake, or they were using my profile without my consent and either tactic is sleazy as hell.

So overall don’t worry about it.  The woman is probably ignoring you to spare your feelings.  No one wants a list of things that are wrong with them when all they sent was a simple “I would love to have a drink” or “Your pretty I would love to hear from you”.  Just let it go, they are not trying to hurt you.  It is hard for everyone and just hang in there.  🙂

Related articles

Follow me on Twitter https://twitter.com/JulietJeske

Add me on Facebook Juliet Jeske Facebook Fan Page

Divorce – The Blame Game and the many shades of gray

Date: January 10, 2012
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Divorce, Gay Husband, Relationships, Straight Spouse
Comments: 9 Replies

Marriage

So I am starting this one worked up again, as that is usually what compels me to write.  One of the things that kind of drives me crazy with divorce is the “blame the victim” mentality.  That is, for some there is never a victim in a divorce, that both sides of the conflict must share the blame of the split and they won’t budge from that viewpoint.  Another blogger, who I absolutely won’t mention as I don’t want to give him publicity or attention cherry-picked one of my articles.

This is how he quoted me.

By her third sentences, she regrets having acted as she tells others they should not — “but not completely.” Why? you may ask. No need: Her run-on sentence goes on to say that she was “mad, extremely mad at my husband who had been…” blah, blah, blah.

Those blah, blah, blahs….that he left out were in fact quite important.  I wrote the following.

I was mad, extremely mad at my husband who had been lying to me for years and living as a closeted homosexual. I had nine years of sacrifice and struggle to keep a relationship together that was ultimately a fraud at its core.

My critic also goes on to criticize me for basically taking none of the blame of my divorce.  And to quote him directly, he claims

“I was 100% right and he was 100% wrong” story.

I hate to break it to this self-proclaimed divorce expert, but sometimes…divorces really are that lopsided.  I can think of my example, and most straight spouses.  A straight spouse is someone who was misled by a closeted homosexual into believing that they entered a marriage with a heterosexual partner.  In some cases, the straight spouse may know beforehand that their partner is gay, has gay tendencies or a gay past and they choose to marry them anyway.  However usually the closeted partner will go to extreme lengths to hide their sexuality.  When the truth is finally revealed what is the straight spouse to do to save the marriage?  Continue to live a lie?  Live a non-traditional marriage perhaps having new sexual partners, but remaining in a sham marriage? My ex-husband begged me to stay with him, work out an arrangement, live with him in a fraud, he was willing to do almost anything to keep me.  I didn’t want to live a lie anymore so I left him.

The only exception I can think of is that if a gay partner and a straight partner choose to stay in a relationship and everything is above-board and honest.  I know of a few examples of non-traditional relationships that work quite well.  But in my situation deception was the only thing keeping my marriage together.  And I knew that by keeping my ex-husband in the closet would ultimately destroy him.  Because “the closet” is a horrible, miserable existence.

If anything by leaving my husband I released him from this destructive self-loathing.   So I am not going to take half of the blame for my divorce.  I was fully committed to my husband, I never had an extramarital affair and that was even after my marriage became celibate.   I put up with lies and excuses because I was dedicated to making my marriage work.

There are other examples of blame not going evenly to both partners, such as

  • One partner is physically abusing the other or abusing the couples children
  • One partner is a serial cheater and has not been faithful to their spouse and cannot be faithful to any partner
  • One partner is leading a secret life that puts his or her family in jeopardy.  i.e. criminal activity without the other partners knowledge
  • One partner is mentally ill and refuses to get treatment
  • One partner has a substance abuse problem and refuses treatment
  • One partner marries the other for a green card or other fraudulent reason

I know it might seem impossible for my critic to admit that there charming yet nefarious people out there who have absolutely no intention of keeping their marriage vows, but these situations are quite common.  I blame myself for picking the wrong partner, but I won’t take responsibility for his lies.

In some marriages both parties have made multiple mistakes, or perhaps entered into the union before they were ready.  They may have both been emotionally abusive to one another or had extramarital affairs.  Financial or lifestyle issues and lack of communication might tear them apart.  Or they simply could have grown into two very different people than when they entered the marriage.  In these cases there are many shades of gray.  Even infidelity sometimes occurs because one partner simply wants out desperately and is looking for any excuse to end it.  They have an affair, admit it immediately and their marriage is over.  Not exactly a serial cheater who lied for years, but a desperate person looking for and end to a broken marriage.  I have had friends go through nearly every scenario, and in most cases the reasons for a split is very murky.  Neither side can blame the other without taking some blame themselves.  But when one spouse enters into a marriage with a secret and lies, there is little the other spouse can do to change that.

Human relationships aren’t so neat and tidy or democratic.   So to those who insist that I or any other spouse like myself should accept responsibility for a person who repeatedly lied during the marriage I say they are way off base.  The best thing we can do is avoid picking another deceptive partner and move forward.

Related articles

Follow me on Twitter https://twitter.com/JulietJeske

Add me on Facebook Juliet Jeske Facebook Fan Page

Life After Divorce – Kiddie Table Banishment

Date: December 7, 2011
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Divorce, Gay Husband, Relationships, Straight Spouse, Uncategorized
Comments: 2 Replies

English: Saying grace before carving the turke...

No one likes to talk about it.  But I have heard from a few friends that post-divorce this problem is quite common.  There is some real estate that is downright coveted come holiday time.  And sometimes post-divorce you lose your stake at it.  And that real estate would be getting a seat at the adult table during holiday meals.  This doesn’t apply to everyone, as not everyone has a huge extended family.  Or if they do they at least have a big enough table so that everyone can sit together.   But for many families, it is simply not possible to put all the adults together and there comes a point when you just don’t want to sit at the kiddie table anymore.

It usually goes like this, when you are married and you come home for the holidays no one would dream of putting you at the kids table.  Just as it is assumed that you will also be expected to send out Christmas or Chanukah cards now that you are a married adult, it is also assumed that your spouse will not be forced to sit and eat with your nine-year old niece.  So things are done, seating arrangements adjusted so that your new addition to the family will not suffer the fate of being treated like a child.  When you get divorced however, everything can change.  Especially when a new member of your generation gets married that year.  Suddenly you find your status lowered.  Much like a single person with no date at a wedding, you are not going to get prime seating.  You instead end up at the table with misfits, and in this case the misfits have bibs, braces or acne.   Or worse yet, it is all of your fellow divorced adult cousins or siblings.  The table of rejects, the table of shame.

Well I say instead of coveting a seat with the adults, look at it this way.  Sure it is the table where wine is openly served but the conversation can drift to octogenarians complaining about their medications and health problems, or a crazy uncle trying to convert everyone to his conspiracy theory political beliefs so look on the bright side.  You now get to sit with the fun crew.  They might even break out into song or start a food fight.

The holidays are horrible anyway when you are newly divorced because even if you wanted desperately out of the marriage it seems every single thing around you is sending a message that you are somehow broken and sad because you are no longer one half of a couple.  Instead of being defeated by your new status of adult child, just think about the perks.

  • No one will expect a holiday card from you this year or one of those annoying family photo cards
  • You get to hang with children where you can openly mock everything without judgment
  • You can bring your own bottle of wine and drink it all by yourself
  • No one will judge you for what you eat or how fast you eat it
  • You can learn about video games, cartoons and comic books
  • Everyone at the kiddie table will eat pie, so just bask in the joy of eating pie with children!

I never understood why people always dreaded the holidays until I got divorced, and now I understand the holiday dread all too well.  But instead of being defeated by it, I am just going to party with my nine-year old niece and bask in the joys of being a misfit at the table of freaks!

Related articles

Follow me on Twitter https://twitter.com/JulietJeske

Add me on Facebook Juliet Jeske Facebook Fan Page

Weekend Sunrise Interview – Dating After Divorce in a City of Sluts

Date: September 26, 2011
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating After Divorce, Dating Online, Gay Husband, Huffington Post, Relationships, Straight Spouse
Comments: 1 Reply

Below is a clip from an interview I did on Morning Sunrise, Australia‘s #1 Breakfast talk show.  It is their equivalent of the Today Show or so I am told.  They interviewed me based on my Huffington Blog post “Dating After Divorce in a City of Sluts”

The link to the article is here.  It was ridiculously popular having something like 7,000 people “like” it on Facebook and 1400 comments.  I am an unknown, unsigned comedian so the whole thing has been mind-blowing.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/juliet-jeske/dating-after-divorce-in-a_b_944133.html

So they didn’t tell me beforehand that they were going to even mention my ex-husband’s homosexuality.  That was a complete shock to me, they also veered from the script.  I have dealt with the press before so I wasn’t really shocked by that.  The saddest thing is that the interviewer actually says

“In your book”

When in reality it was just one article, no book.  Although I am currently trying to make that happen.  I have no idea how to do it, but I am looking into it.  If I end up getting published you know I am telling everyone on the planet.  🙂

My working title for my book is “Dating in a City of Sluts” or something like that.  I never thought I would write a book in a million years but since I have gotten so much overwhelming positive feedback to go for it, I thought I would give a shot!

Follow me on Twitter https://twitter.com/JulietJeske

Add me on Facebook Juliet Jeske Facebook Fan Page

Dating After Divorce – Do we really need Tough Love?

Date: September 8, 2011
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating After Divorce, Dating Online, Relationships, Uncategorized
Comments: 5 Replies

Since I have been divorced I have tried a number of methods to try to date again, including online dating and speed dating, I recently got the following via email…I won’t mention the company who sent it.  I have edited it for length, but the general premise is still there.

Ever gone on a date that you thought was AMAZING only to this day still wonder why the guy/girl never returned your call for a second date? Meet 10-25 singles at “Tough Love” speed dating, where in the event someone does NOT select you as a “match”, you’ll actually receive feedback as to why via a post-event email summary of each daters constructive and honest comments . At the end of the day, ‘perception is reality’ and ‘knowing is half the battle

There are just so many things wrong with this concept.  For starters, there are _always_problems with market research.  Anyone in marketing can tell you that only a certain percentage of people actually take the time to fill out any survey, and the people who do tend to be skewed to specific personality traits.  Feedback tends to come from customers with an ax to grind.  Customers with the tendency to bitch, moan and complain will be more than willing to fill out surveys or questionnaires to their heart’s content, satisfied customers rarely bother.

Then there is also the concept of people not really knowing what they want until they see it before them.  For instance when surveyed people may say they would hate bubblegum flavored cupcakes, but once given a taste they devour them.  The same goes with dating.  We have all known potential partners who looked great on paper for us, but the minute we met them there was no spark, no chemistry, no reason to pursue them further.  Does this make them inferior and in need of improvement?  Of course it doesn’t, it is just a fact of life.  In the same vein we have all met someone who should have been incompatible for us, and become instantly smitten.  Dating is a strange world full of contradictions and things that simply don’t make logical sense.   We are all like puzzle pieces, some of us fit well together and some of us don’t.

I can’t help but think that a “tough love” speed dating round complete with feedback might attract the very people who like dolling out punishment, and that in a session of brief three-minute dates only the worst criticism would come out.   Some feedback could be useful but most of it would be extremely harmful, lets say out of 15 people you get…

  • You have bad breath – Problem easily solved, so that could be helpful
  • Sloppy or unkempt appearance – Also easily solved
  • You are creepy/crazy – What is a person supposed to do about that?
  • You talk too much or too fast – One man’s chatterbox is music to another man’s ears
  • You don’t talk enough – Not everyone is an extrovert
  • You are too short, tall, thin, fat, old, young – Again it is all relative
  • You aren’t attractive – Imagine getting that feedback from 15 total strangers

Most people in this situation would probably remain vague, especially if they themselves are also being graded and judged.  Most of the cards would probably include things like…

  • He/She isn’t my type
  • No chemistry
  • Not what I am looking for

And that happens to everyone, as if you get 20 people in a room the chances of any one person meeting a person they are attracted to is slim.   So what is the point of this anyway?   Socially awkward people picking apart socially awkward people, my head spins at the thought of such a disaster.  And then the poor man or woman who paid money to try to help increase their chances in the dating world now leaves defeated and broken.  How could this possibly help them?    And imagine going to a speed dating round like this soon after a divorce, and getting negative feedback, as if you needed more rejection and grief.

What I think might work better for anyone out there who is repeatedly going out on dates and can’t figure out why no one seems interested is this–sit down with trusted friends, people who care about you and aren’t making a buck off your misery, and ask your friends and loved ones what they think might help.  Because even the most socially awkward can and will find others who will fit them like a glove.   Your dating problems might be as simple as popping a breath mint, or combing your hair, and you don’t need scorecards from strangers or a “thick skin” to figure that out.

And don’t we all know a couple that is composed of two socially awkward, eccentric or even extremely odd partners?  Maybe instead of improvement or feedback, all they needed was to find another oddball that matched them to a tee.   Sometimes all someone needs to find is another person who really loves their version of being human.  Dating after a divorce is difficult and we all get creative, but personally I would avoid anything as potentially scarring as this.

Related articles

Follow me on Twitter https://twitter.com/JulietJeske

Add me on Facebook Juliet Jeske Facebook Fan Page

Huffington Post Readers – Some Questions Answered

Date: September 4, 2011
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Closet Case, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating After Divorce, Gay Husband, Relationships, Straight Spouse, Uncategorized
Comments: 12 Replies

I didn’t want to get into it with the article that I just posted on the Huffington Post, but I am so tired of all of the “blame the victim” comments in regards to my divorce.  Maybe 5% of the readers will end up at my website and then actually go to this blog, but I still want to print this as the Huffington Post doesn’t let me respond to comments.

I plan to take this post down in the next couple of days, as it really doesn’t serve much of a purpose but I would like to clarify one thing before everyone jumps down my throat about how I should have stuck around and tried to make my marriage work.  First off, you don’t know much about me and you don’t anything about my marriage, so it is extremely presumptuous for you or anyone to tell me what I should have or should not have done regarding my divorce.  But I have the absolute best reason to have terminated the marriage.  Drum roll please….

My husband was a closeted homosexual.  I had no idea and he was in denial when we got married, and after nine years together I found hard evidence to the fact and left him.  We are on good terms, all things considered, and he lives openly as a gay man now.  He is much happier living as a gay man, but it has been hard on both of us for obvious reasons.

So to the strangers who feel compelled to lecture me on “giving up on my marriage”…you don’t know enough about my situation to tell me that.   And I mean that with the deepest sincerity.  If the hell that I have been through for the past two years has taught me anything it is to be less judgmental of other people’s divorces.  Because no one ever really knows what goes on in another person’s marriage, and I am living proof of a marriage that most people deemed as ideal, was in reality a total fraud.

Related articles

Follow me on Twitter https://twitter.com/JulietJeske

Add me on Facebook Juliet Jeske Facebook Fan Page