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High School Bullies – It Gets Better

Date: September 18, 2011
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Depression
Comments: 3 Replies
English: Looking northwest across Nostrand Ave...

English: Looking northwest across Nostrand Avenue at Hudde Junior High School on a mostly sunny midday. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’m shutting down another blog of mine and I am moving some of my favorite articles over to this one.  The original date for this post is Oct. 15, 2010  And in honor of my 20th high school reunion which was last night, and I did not attend, I thought it was perfect timing for this one.

I’m not gay. I have no idea what being gay in a world that is so damn homophobic would be like. I can’t imagine having to deal with that on top of other trials and obstacles of adolescence.

I was different from most kids  And I was bullied.  So if there is anyone out there that might read this in the same circumstance then I hope it helps.

Since college I have suffered a bit of an identity crisis.  People tend to assume that I am from a solid preppy middle class background.  Or that I was at least a popular girl.  Some have even asked if I was a cheerleader.  Nothing could be further from the truth.

My father had a blue-collar job, my family life was chaotic and full of screaming fights, money was_always_ an issue as we never had enough of it.   There are also some issues with my family that I don’t feel comfortable printing on a public forum like this, so I won’t, let’s just say there was a tremendous amount of pain in my childhood.   I was an awkward, insecure, beaten down mess, a flat chested girl with wide hips, round thighs and baby fine hair that refused to take a perm or curl.  And this was in the days of_huge_hair!  I was also a little too smart for my own good and the world’s worst athlete.  Gym teachers would make fun of how uncoordinated I was at pretty much_every_ sport.  I also developed chronic and impossible to treat acne.  None of this was helping my poor social skills.  In social interactions I was blunt and too the point, I had no subtly.  I didn’t posses any of the tools of to make or keep a lot of friends.  I was basically a disaster.

The worst of it was in Junior high.  Who doesn’t hate Junior high right?  I really didn’t have any close friends.  I actually had a birthday party when I was 13, and no one showed up.  NO ONE. Even though I had invited about a dozen or so girls who supposedly were my “friends”.  They chose to go to another party on the same day for a popular boy who happened to share my birthday.  Yet none of them had the courage to tell me they weren’t going to come to mine.  So it was all a shock to me when 8 o’clock hit, then 8:30 then 9:00 and still_no one_showed up. I knew I had stiff competition with the other party but I never thought I would be alone on my birthday.

I had decorated my room with balloons and streamers,  bought a cake (in my best friend’s favorite color) and my family had helped get everything together.  It was beyond heartbreaking.  Humiliated in front of my parents and siblings and utterly devastated, I never spoke to any of the girls again.  I cut them out of my life completely and then I was socially entirely alone.  I couldn’t understand why no one wanted to hang out with me or seemed to like me.  I got along better with adults than with kids my age, or with children.  I developed a social numbness that I still deal with a bit today.  My depression was so bad that even my grades fell and I had been in advanced courses before that.  My parents way of dealing with it was to try to shame me into getting my grades up, which only made it worse.

There were multiple other humiliating and degrading incidents that I won’t catalog here.  My senior year being the most absurd.  The first gulf war broke out and my little band of friends and myself were quite vocally anti-war.  We were harassed in the hall ways and my friend had her car vandalized once after school.  A group of people had written anti-peace signs all over her car and “Hippie go Home” and things of that nature.  Then at the end of the year and the war over, when after I had won a competition to speak the benediction at my graduation, I found out that there was an emergency meeting by the student council and they voted me out.  Apparently my anti-war and left-wing politics seemed too risky to allow me access to a mic.  It sounds like an after school special but it actually happened to me!  HA!!!!

My speech in the senior speaker competition didn’t contain anything political.  The speech that I was to read at graduation was written by someone else.   I had no editorial control over its content whatsoever and I had not been planning on using my graduation as any sort of soap box.  I had gone to speech tournaments for years, had won multiple awards and I took public speaking very seriously.  When I found out what had happened and I almost didn’t attend my own graduation because I was so upset. Maybe they had banned me because I tended to hang with the “art fags” or foreign exchange students, gay boys and girls and other artistic types.  We were a tiny band of freaks and we really didn’t make any apologizes for it.

But all of this did do something to me.  I knew I had to get out of Missouri and get out of that community and eventually I did just that.

I have suffered some recent heartache with the collapse of my marriage, but overall I never imagined that I would be living and performing in New York City at any age.  The prospect of coming from a home where I was always told that “We can’t afford it” and “We don’t have any money” to living in the most amazing and expensive city in the country?  The whole prospect seemed insurmountable.

This city is magical to me, and has been since I moved here in 2001.  I am surrounded by friends, really amazing friends who have listened to me cry about my divorce, go on and one about my situation and seen me meltdown multiple times and they were always there to pick me back up.  They didn’t desert me, they stood by me and in doing so they have really blown my mind.  And this is the greatest part, they are all creative people some are film makers, artists, writers, dancers, singers, musicians, actors, directors, sword swallowers, fire eaters, trapeze artists, trick rope artists, burlesque performers, clowns etc. etc. etc.  Nearly all of my friends share the same values, roughly the same politics, similar belief systems.  Instead of being in a tiny little band of freaks who might call themselves LIBERAL or DEMOCRAT, I know have an ARMY of folks that are like me!!!!!!

I don’t even remember the names of people I went to high school anymore.  I only really remember fellow girl scouts, my friends and the other kids in my Advanced Placement classes.  If the bullies and the jerks look me up on facebook, I might friend them.  I don’t really care at this point.   I have toured the country twice, performed on cruise ships, in the Soviet Union, in an Off-Broadway theater in an award nominated show.  I been an “extra” on a whole list of films and Television shows.  Not that being an extra is that exciting, but still shows like Boardwalk Empire, 30 Rock?  How is that not fun?   I never would have thought any of this would happen.  I am not a bitter actor/performer wondering when my big break will come.  I feel like I have already kinda made it, even though I don’t make a lot of money and I own basically nothing except my furniture and my clothing.  🙂

To go from that 13-year-old birthday party where I thought my life had ended to my life today, I never would have thought it would happen.  Or to the bullies that decided to silence my voice my senior year, when I get to go on multiple stages all over this city and speak my mind.  It really does get better.  Those punks have no bearing on my life whatsoever and they never will again!  🙂

So if anyone out there thinks that the cult of mediocrity will always keep you down, know that it is the weirdos and freaks that eventually take over the world.  At least the kind of world that I love living in.

Oh and I just realized that part of my motivation for writing this was a recent incident at a comedy show where another comedian basically said words to the effect of

“Your so gorgeous you don’t have any problems”.

And well I nearly killed her verbally which I regretted, because she didn’t mean anything personal by it, it was actually written into her act.  And well, I am not always so proud of my verbal tirades. But it is another lesson of never judge a book by its cover, not every “pretty” girl has had it easy.  Not in the least.

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Why I just can’t get over it and be happy — Depression is an illness

Date: September 16, 2011
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Depression, Gay Husband, Relationships, Straight Spouse
Comments: 9 Replies
Rethink Mental Illness

Rethink Mental Illness (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This post is originally from July 2010.  I am moving this from my other blog.  It got tremendous feedback and I am sad that I can’t move the comments over as well, but I am very proud of this post.  Depression is a mental illness and should be treated as a serious medical problem, not something that can be easily brushed off as the blues.

My last blog post was so positive!  Well here comes the ANGRY part of my little Miss Angry Girl blog.  The other day had such a beautiful interaction with another human being and then last night……..ARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHH (pirate growl)

Someone gave me yet more unsolicited advice tonight.  Boy, do I hate unsolicited advice!!!

“Why don’t you try looking on the positive side of things for a change?”

Really, I hadn’t thought of that.   Now I am sure that this person had the best of intentions.  They thought they were helping me out, but let me break it down for why it is not so easy to simply “Think positively”

Would you tell an anorexic to just eat some food?  An alcoholic to simply stop drinking?  A drug addict to simply stop using?  A person with ADHD to simply focus?  A person with schizophrenia to simply stop hearing voices?  Or would you even dream of telling a person who is physically handicapped to simply start moving?  Yes stopping the negative behavior is part of the problem, but there’s a reason telling a person suffering from mental illness to THINK BETTER is absolute nonsense.

Just as a physically handicapped person can not suddenly become fully functional after thinking positively, the same cna be said about a person suffering from depression.  I’m suffering from reactive depression.  To quote Psychology.suite101.com

This form of depression is a direct result or responses to a painful or difficult circumstance or event in a person’s life. In reactive depression there is a specific and recognized reason found to be the source of the condition.  Examples of situations which may result in a person suffering from reactive depression include: redundancy, work stress, marital problems, bereavement, loss, problems with one’s children, retirement, moving house, DIVORCE or changing job.

Sometimes it takes longer than perhaps casual acquaintances think is necessary to work through a major life changing event.  I was clinically depressed just a few months ago, so I’m actually doing better off now.  Clinical depression is depression that gets so bad a person cannot normally function.  That is eat, drink, bathe, sleep, get out of bed…..FUNCTION.

Not to mention that I lost not just the primary relationship that I had for nine years. I had to move.  My income has severely dropped as has my ability to find work.  All thanks to a number of circumstances surrounding my divorce.  Even the loss of a regular source of income could lead to depression never mind, the loss of my husband, sense of betrayal, loss of trust in other human beings, damaged sexuality, and destroyed self esteem.

If you are reading this and don’t know me, I found out my marriage was a complete fraud.  My husband has been living a secret life, and has lied to me from day one of our marriage.  It’s been a rough 13 months.

All of this doesn’t even  take into consideration my childhood, my life history or any trauma’s besides my divorce that might also be contributing to my depression.  Trust me, you could sit down with my therapist and we could go over some things in my past that might make your hair turn white.  I’d rather not rehash them here.  :

Depression is an illness.  Depression is an illness.  DEPRESSION IS AN ILLNESS!

It’s not to say that I won’t overcome it, but my brain is sick right now.  Chemicals such as dopamine, serotonin, nor-epinephrine all play a role, and they are real.  It is not simply  a question of “thinking positively”.    I’m not being self-destructive sexually or with drugs and alcohol, and I’m in regular therapy with both a therapist and a psychiatrist.  So I think I’m doing everything that I can to overcome this.

What I am currently dealing with is trying to get off an SSRI (Zolfot) while still trying to figure out how to survive in a ravaged economy with high unemployment.  My life hasn’t exactly stabilized since leaving my husband, especially financially speaking.

Not to say that positive thinking won’t help, of course it will, but I’m dealing with a chemical withdrawal of a drug that altered my natural levels of serotonin.  Just sitting back and trying to think happy thoughts, is not really going to cut it.  What might help is some respect for this MENTAL ILLNESS called depression, and some compassion. for not just me but the millions of other Americans who are currently battling this disease.  Just as a handicapped person cannot simply will themselves to walk, a person suffering from a mental illness needs a little bit more than positive thinking to pull themselves up.    I am not weak because I can’t get over this, I am NOT being self-destructive, I am doing the best I can.

And solidarity to my fellow sufferers of depression, we will get through this and we will be stronger for it.  One day people will understand that we can’t just simply “be happy”.

Read more at Suite101: What is Reactive Depression?: Understanding Common Mental Health Conditions http://psychology.suite101.com/article.cfm/what-is-reactive-depression#ixzz0uCm4pTxr

4/23/11

I wanted to add an an epilogue as it were to this post.  I left my husband nearly two years ago, because he was gay and every aspect of my life much completely collapsed immediately afterward.  Emotionally and financially I was a mess.  If my financial life had been in order, or if I had steady employment that was not tied into what my husband did for a living I would have been much better off.  That being said, I can honestly say that I’m much better off now.  It takes serious time to get over something like a divorce.  I have never gone through anything as torturous in my life, and I really hope I never have to go through it again.   There is hope on the other end of whatever hell is causing your reactive depression.  If you’re suffering from clinical depression due to a recent crisis, please seek help if you feel you need it.  There are so many resources out there, and if you feel like your life isn’t worth living anymore, that’s the biggest warning sign.  Get help.  Depression is not just feeling blue.  I had no idea until I went through it myself, but it’s an actual mental illness that will take over your life.  If you’re experiencing most or a a few of these symptoms seek professional help.

  • Lack of appetite
  • Lack of desire to do anything, get out of bed, shower, eat, drink,
  • Isolation – Refusal to go outside, see friends, etc.
  • Suicidal thoughts – This is not a joke, get help as soon as possible.
  • Waking frequently at night, not able to sleep for more than a couple hours in a stretch
  • Sleeping way too much
  • Poor concentration
  • Overwhelming feelings of guilt and despair
  • Crying ALL the time

Clinical depression is often coupled with anxiety.  And in my case the anxiety was so bad, that is why I knew I had a serious problem I had never had anything like it before in my life.

  • Panic attacks
  • Anxiety attacks – Panic attacks that go on for hours, my worst was 8 hours long and absolutely terrifying.
  • Overwhelming panic and fear
  • Waves of depression followed by waves of anxiety – this is actual textbook depression, and not at all unusual.
  • Inability to sleep that goes on for days.

I’m not here to sell any drug.  Medication doesn’t work for everyone and isn’t always the best option.  I was only on meds for a short period of time, but I believe strongly they saved my life.  Don’t be afraid to ask for help and please get help if you need it.  There’s a light at the end of the tunnel, don’t give up.  🙂  If your first therapist or doctor isn’t working for you, find another one.  Keep looking until you can get the help you need.  Cognitive behavioral therapy is a great resource that I’ve tried and highly recommend.

Also try to find distance from anyone who doesn’t take your illness seriously.  They probably are trying to help, but some well-meaning friends or relatives can actually cause more problems.  As much as the lover or friend will also help you out, there is a limit to what they can do.  Having someone around who is objective and doesn’t know you or want anything from you will really help you in finding the right course to help you with your healing.

Try as much as you can to not self-medicate with alcohol or recreational drugs, they will just make things worse, and could kill you.  Substances are just stretching out the process.  They numb you temporarily, but in the long run they will just make things harder.  The same thing goes for sex, or food, anything that can be used in a self-destructive manner should be avoided.   No one is perfect and you will make mistakes, just try to pick yourself afterward and not beat yourself up too much.

Just my two cents of course, you don’t have to agree with me on any of it.  I just know what helped me.  Good luck to anyone finding this blog, may you get stronger and healthier each day.

I wanted to add this brilliant Lecture by Dr. Robert Sapolsky of Stanford University.  The first time I listened to this it blew my mind, I found out I was suffering from a textbook case of clinical depression.  His explanation of the inability to sleep through the night and weight loss was EXACTLY what I was going through.  It was a PHYSICAL manifestation of my depression, it wasn’t something I could control.

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