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Street Harassment: Why “Cat Calls” Suck Big Hairy Balls

Date: November 19, 2013
Author: julietjeske
Categories: New York City, Women and Feminism
Comments: 1 Reply
Hairy balls

Hairy balls (Photo credit: @Doug88888)

I purposefully gave this article a ridiculously provocative title.  I don’t mean any offense, as some people really enjoy doing a lot of things with testicles.   I just wanted to use heated sexual language directed at men to make a point. Gentlemen, imagine hearing a phrase like that yelled at you all day long.

Some men resent women because they think we have it so much easier when it comes to dating.  In some ways we do.  For instance it’s a lot easier for the average women to get no strings attached sex. Of course, a few men have a lot of luck hooking up with multiple partners, but for the most part, women usually have no problem having casual sexual encounters.  The downside is that women are often the victims of forced sexual advances, sexual harassment, rape and sexual violence. For most of us, unwanted sexual attention comes at us all day long.  This is exactly why cat calling sucks big hairy balls.

Now because men and women do have different realities when it comes to street harassment, I don’t know an easy way to put this.  If you are male and are reading this please picture the LEAST sexually attractive person you could imagine coming on to you. If this real or imaginary human were to overtly make some type of advance, your skin would crawl.  The thought of having sex with this individual makes you want to vomit.  It would be so disgusting, you would never want to have sex again.  Really burn that face into your psyche. Now imagine if nearly every time you stepped out of your apartment or home, there they were…ready to make some graphic or illicit sexual remark directed at you.  They might follow you down the street, prevent you from walking, lean in close, physical touch or intimidate you.

That is what many women deal with, every day, all day long, all year round in nearly every conceivable situation.  Has it hit home yet?  Maybe? OK I’ll try to tell it from a woman’s perspective now.

When I’m walking down the street, I’m usually thinking of the next place I have to go, I’m not thinking I about any number of men:

  • Who I know nothing about
  • Who might be drunk, or flying high on drugs
  • Who might be much younger or older than me
  • Who could get violent at any moment or try to assault me
  • Who chances are I have no physical attraction to whatsoever

Believe it or not lovers of cat calls, street harassment is quite intimidating.  In fact, there have been several cases of rape, and even murder have begun with seemingly innocuous cat calling.  So no, I’m not overjoyed when some stranger treats me like a sexual object when I didn’t want the attention.

In my short 40 years on this planet, I’ve had to deal with the following scenarios of street harassment.

I have had men assume I was a prostitute – They would pull their cars over, open their doors and ask “how much?” – this happened several times when I was going to work at a coffee shop in college at 5AM.  I was always wearing khaki pants, a t-shirt or long-sleeved shirt, tennis shoes and carrying a bag.  I usually also had a hat on, so I have no idea why this read as prostitute.

I been groped by strangers – I wish this wasn’t true but it’s happened at clubs, bars or on the subway. The physical touching wasn’t ambiguous. Men would grab my ass when I was a cocktail waitress – every time it happened a security guard threw them out of the club.

I been followed, threatened and stalked – You name the threat I’ve heard it.  From “I’m gonna cut your head off” or “I’m going to smash your brains in” and the usual “I want to fuck you so hard”

I have had total stranger grab me, or block my path – When this happens I totally blow up at the man, which usually leads to one of the “I’m going to smash your brains in” type of comments.  But honestly why should any stranger physically touch or grab someone they don’t know? No one has a right to touch another person or prevent them from walking down the street.

I had men expose themselves and masturbate towards me – This has happened more than once and both times on the subway in Chicago.  I learned after my first experience to completely ignore the man. The second time it happened I refuse to acknowledge anything was going on, and luckily this strategy worked and he got bored and stopped.  Again before this might sound HOT to any men reading picture the someone you who actually sexually repulses you doing this to you!  Not so fun now is it.

It happens every day, all times of the year, all day long, regardless of what I’m wearing, or how I look. Even mild interactions tend to wear me down.  Here is a typical one.

It was 5:30 a.m.  I was walking down the street dressed in a conservative skirt suit while hauling a rolling suitcase behind me.   A sanitation worker blocked my path on the sidewalk and physically prevented me from moving.  He said simply, “Hey baby.”

I don’t look up, and politely walked around him with my suitcase.  As I walked past him he shouts, “Bitch.”

Was I supposed to make myself late to work, and just start talking to guy who chose to say “Hey baby.”  Should I have smiled back only to invite even more attention?  Why can’t I just ignore it?    This type of attention is grating, annoying and seriously starts to make women angry at the men who do it.  We don’t view as complimentary.  It’s harassment plain and simple and sadly no joke.

If none of this has swayed your opinion and you are man who still thinks street harassment is welcome, picture your daughter, niece or a friend’s defenseless young child walking down the street…now imagine grown men making sexually lewd comments to her.  The first time I was sexually harassed and intimidated I was about five years old.  So it really does start when girls are extremely young.  Would you want your daughter, sister or mother to go through it?  Of course you wouldn’t.  So the next time you think of making a kissing noise at a random woman, or shouting at her about her ass, or blocking a female on the street, stop yourself.   Your tactic not only won’t work, but you are probably making that woman’s day that much worse.  If a woman thinks you are cute, she will probably find a reason to talk to you, but when you scream “Hey baby you look so good I want to fuck you”, you’ve just lost any chance that it will happen.

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Dating Online – Mr. Let’s Keep it Casual

Date: February 5, 2011
Author: julietjeske
Categories: Dating, Dating - NYC, Dating After 35, Dating After Divorce, Dating Online, New York City
Comments: 4 Replies

My article about men that I have dubbed the “Wife Shoppers” was so popular, I thought I would keep it going with their counterpart….Mr. Let’s Keep it Casual. I have also called them “Player Light”

  • Age – Any age, but then tend to be younger…under 35
  • Marital Status – Most have never been married
  • Most have no children – although they come in all types
  • Usually attractive and in shape, but not always
  • Not liberal with compliments towards you in any way – This would give you too much power in their minds, so don’t expect a lot of praise or adoration
  • Emotionally distant

The Introduction – Early into the correspondence, or into the first meeting of “Let’s Keep it Casual” the man will lay his cards out on the table.  A technique that some of my male psychology books call….announcing the exit strategy.  The give you the endgame before the game has even started lines like

  • “I don’t get emotionally involved”
  • “I like to keep things casual”
  • “I am not looking for anything serious”
  • “I am really busy and I don’t have time to commit to one person”
  • “I like to date multiple women at the same time” – At least he is being honest, so if you are OK with that then go for it, just don’t expect it to change.
  • “My ex really messed me up, so I can’t bond with anyone on a deep level right now” – Sadly I’ve encounted a few men who just use this as a line.  Take this one with a grain of salt.

They are all basically saying the same thing.  Look, don’t even think about considering me boyfriend material.  I respect the bluntness and honesty, and they are laying the groundwork for when a woman might push for something more they will say, and mean it.

  • “Look, I told you where I stood before we even got together”

The Plan of Action – They might send a friendly text, always when they are already out, or available, usually in the evening or weekends asking What is up? They don’t ask personal questions, they don’t send personal emails of any length or importance.  Generally they don’t use the phone for anything other than text messages.  Most correspondence is just about getting sex when they want it, and on their terms. They are hoping that you will drop whatever you are doing, meet up with them.  They don’t have to take you out to dinner, or a movie, they don’t have to spend any real time getting to know you, they don’t have to spend any money on you except maybe a few drinks and they get sex when it is convenient for them.  I call them “Player Light” because unlike a player, at least they are fairly upfront an honest about their intentions.   So if you are open to a sexually based relationship with little else….these boys might be for you.

The reality though, is that these relationships rarely work out according to plan.  Now I have plenty of friends that openly live a polyamorous lifestyle of having several lovers scattered all over the city and they are perfectly happy with that situation.  Not everyone is happy in a traditional monogamous relationship, and they aren’t meant to live within the constrains of one.

What tends to happen, is that Mr. Let’s Keep it Casual might end up treating you like a low grade girlfriend.   If a situation like this goes on long enough, the man will ultimately start dumping his emotional baggage either before or after sex.  But he set up such rigid standards on the relationship, don’t expect that he’ll be as open to you doing the same.  Most women engage in soul purging all day long with their female friends so it isn’t exactly unheard of for a woman to treat a man, especially one they are having sex with, in the same way.  Human beings aren’t robots, and our brain chemistry alone goes a bit berserk after an orgasm, so it is natural to bond on a deeper level with a sexual partner, especially after a period of time.   So good luck on keeping things completely unemotional with Mr. Let’s Keep it Casual, unless of course you simply “tap it” a few times and then never again.

If the woman takes the initiative and actually dictates when they “hang out” then Mr. Let’s Keep it Casual might protest that they are being needy.   Because so many times, Mr. Let’s Keep it Casual is really just saying I want what I want, when I want it, and if you aren’t cool with that, then forget it.  It is a selfish and immature way of dealing with a partner of any kind.

The biggest trap when dealing with a man like this is the concept of the magical power of the vagina.  Many think their winning personality and great sex will somehow win a guy over and CHANGE HIM!  Sure this could happen, but it probably won’t.  If a man tells you right off the bat that they aren’t looking for anything beyond a sexual relationship, they probably mean it. He probably will never see you in a different light because you entered the situation with the cards stacked against you.    And just because he starts to bitch about his problems at work or how his ex-girlfriend never understood him, doesn’t mean you have won him over.   If you want a no strings attached sexual partner, these guys might be perfect for you.  But if you want something more….keep looking.

One of the main things that attracts me to a man is his intellect and point of view, so a Mr. Let’s Keep it Casual, really bores me.  They won’t allow me to get to know them on anything but a base carnal level.  So at least for a girl like myself, they don’t really stimulate me all that much.  I like to be intrigued by a man, on a deeper level than simply wondering when the next text message of “What’s Up?“ is going to arrive.  When they use text speck such as “Hey grl what U doing?  R U kk?”  It’s like a million cold showers all at once.  If you are going to try to hook up with me, at least write in full sentences and use proper English.

The other trap is that a man who is in serious relationship or married might seek a casual relationship in order to cheat.  They won’t want to bond with you, because they are just using you for sex.  This has nearly happened to me a few times, luckily I’ve always discovered the truth before I fell for it.

When I’ve found myself on dates with guys like this, I just think of my own exit strategies.  I might make them think they have a shot with me, as it just makes the date much more pleasant.   They don’t know the minute I hear a line like “I don’t get emotionally attached” I have already given up.  The only people I can think of that really don’t get emotionally attached are sociopaths…..and do I really want to date one of those?

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