I wondered when it would happen, then a few months ago, it hit me. After countless bad dates and a dating scene that feels like a wasteland, I’ve finally become comfortably numb. It’s not what I expected. I thought I would be more negative and more jaded, but it’s honestly somewhat comfortable. My expectations have just hit rock bottom.
When I first left my marriage I was completely unprotected. My heart was overly sensitive, my mind ravaged with depression and my instincts set at high alert. I needed to calm the beast, or I never would have survived. I used to cry after bad dates, usually on the subway home. As soon as I would just sit down, I’d mildly lose it. I don’t think I had unrealistic expectations. Multiple bad dates had trained me not to think beyond the first encounter. Then on the rare occasions I had a second date, I taught myself not to get too excited. I’ve only made it to three dates with one man. We had hardly gotten serious, we hadn’t had sex yet when he had a slight meltdown. In his case, I don’t think it had anything to do with me. From what he told me, he had some seriously unresolved issues with his ex. Unresolved issues with exes is just a reality for people over 35.
Some guys would rather remain virtual. I sort of “dated” a guy who just wanted to email. He claimed he wanted to see me, but then created countless obstacles. I lived in Brooklyn and he lived in Manhattan, so it shouldn’t have been that difficult. He also wasn’t over his ex, and I suspect was still trying to get back together with her. I’ll never understand why I kept talking to him, or what was going on in his head. I found out months after I gave up, he found a good match and they are inseparable.
I’ve had a few casual flings. I forced every jealous atom inside of me to stay cool. Hooking up with guys when I knew they had other women in their lives, wasn’t easy. It really took Herculean strength to not react, to tell myself that it didn’t matter, we weren’t serious, this won’t lead to anything. I managed to stay calm, but inside I was miserable.
They haven’t all been bad. I had a strong connection with one guy. We found out on the date we were both straight spouses. His wife left him for a woman, and I thought that maybe our shared experience might work to our advantage. Despite obvious warning signs that he was clearly not over his ex-wife, we made out in his car for over an hour. It was highly unusual for me, as I usually don’t even kiss a guy on a first date. Then he completely blew me off. I guess the situation was too much for him, I don’t know. I can’t remember his name or face.
Now I still have a few men who hover but do little else. They might send a dick pic, or a request for sexting that will lead absolutely nowhere. I’ve learned I’m not the only recipient for their x-rated self-portraits. If I say I’m interested in something more, they tend to bolt. Of course I still get harassed on the street by any number of men of all ages. I guess that might end when I have to use a walker or cane to get around.
The worst was my rebound relationship, something I never should have gotten myself into. It was completely exhilarating, but ultimately soul crushing. I had so many conflicted feelings towards him, at least two years after the fact. Now I don’t see him. I have no idea what’s going on in his life, and I have no desire to find out. I harbor no ill will, but I also don’t want any contact with him.
I’ve become someone I would have never recognized five years ago. But in a way it’s not completely awful. It’s not what I thought it would be. I’m not angry or bitter, just numb. I take everything men say and do with a grain of salt. So what if the guy sent me several texts in a row – It doesn’t mean anything until he backs it up with actions. I rarely text anyone because I can’t stand being blanked back. I would rather just have nothing than the feeling of being ignored.
I just stopped caring. So what if the guy from OKCupid sends me eight emails only to cancel the same night as our date. I don’t even blink if some man rants about his “bitch ex-wife” for half the date. It no longer surprises me, if he insults what I do for a living, or complains about my crappy neighborhood. This is dating after 35 in a city where only the strong survive, and you’ll be judged on everything your job, neighborhood, past relationships, pets, hobbies even your hometown.
Some of my dates have been so rude and so horrible that if I recreated them in a movie, I would be accused of being too fantastical. I try to keep an open mind, stay positive and keep moving forward. My horrible experiences have given me armor. I rarely have crying fits on the subway anymore. I’ve just learned to block the disappointments out. Most divorced people never think they are going to end up like this. Few of us expect this as our future. If we learn more from our failures, I’ll be a genius by the time I finally meet a compatible match. 🙂
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