I have heard some buzz about certain politicians advocating for tougher divorce laws. So I did some research in the anti-divorce movement some of what I found really made my head spin. For instance in an article of a certain pro-marriage website www.smartmarriages.com I found the following
It is hardly debatable that many of society’s ills can be traced to the continuing high rates of marital distress and divorce.
I would argue that there are plenty of other things contributing to society’s ills, but in order to stay on topic I won’t list them here. What followed that statement was actually a fairly balanced discussion on the pros and cons of enacting tougher divorce laws. What I found disturbing however is that in 2012 anyone would debate making divorce less accessible.
Our culture has grown leaps and bounds since the 1950’s and earlier when most of society viewed divorced people with suspicion and derision. But the stigma of being divorced hasn’t completely gone away. Every time a divorced political candidate runs for office, the press scrutinizes their marital history as it is somehow indicative of their moral character. Entertainers and public figures are not immune to this criticism either. As crusaders of conservative values like Rush Limbaugh who himself is on his fourth wife. Or Newt Gingrich who can’t seem to stop getting married, then having and affair only to then marry his mistress. Then there is Jennifer Lopez already over marriage number three at 42 and Larry King on marriage number eight. And of course we have Kim Kardashian who after a lavish televised wedding for her second marriage, filed for divorce after only 72 days. Some people seem to have a marriage problem. And then there is the rest of us.
I married once, and for reasons completely out of my control my marriage ended. I am not deficient or somehow morally bankrupt as a result. It was not a weakness on my part that my marriage fell apart. My husband was a closeted homosexual, I discovered as much and got out as soon as I possibly could. For many of my divorced friends they also felt like they had no choice but to leave their marriages. One of my friends found out her husband was a criminal and when confronted with this information he blamed her, even though she knew nothing about his criminal activity. Another friend married a man who refused to seek treatment for his bi-polar disorder. A disease he struggled with in the past but had hidden from his wife. His untreated mental illness made him physically and emotionally abusive to both herself and their child. Since he refused treatment, she also had no choice but to leave the relationship. Or in the case of several of my friends, one spouse simply did not want to remain in a monogamous relationship and continually had extramarital affairs. What is the other spouse supposed to do? Stick around and put up with the constant deception, open themselves up to possibly getting a sexually transmitted disease, stay faithful to a partner who is not faithful to them? And in some marriages one spouse becomes overwhelmingly emotionally or physically abusive, constantly tearing down or controlling the other. Should someone stay in that situation? I think not.
Are we supposed to feel like failed people because our partners made it impossible for us to stay in our marriages? Are we emotionally weak or deficient? Are we morally bankrupt? Have we committed some horrible crime against society? When I hear of conservatives promoting laws to make divorce more difficult I want to scream. Marriage is a personal matter between two people. Should the government intervene for the sake of society and prevent divorce? We all know of couples who stay together in a mutually destructive dance of co-dependency, or marriages in which one partner suffers irrecoverably while the other uses them as an emotional punching bag. Is an injurious marriage preferable to a divorce?
In my case there were no children involved, the only people who have suffered have been my former spouse and myself. How are we destroying society? And when children are present, should restrictive divorce laws force them to stay in a painful and destructive household in which one or both parents are miserable? I can’t imagine that environment could lead to a healthy childhood.
Marriage is just a relationship made more complicated by social and legal ramifications. If one or both parties want to leave a marriage the government should not force them to stay together for the sake of society. Of course some individuals do abuse marriage and make both marriage and divorce seem trivial. But most of us were just doing the best we could, and maybe we ended up with the wrong partner. Maybe we got married too young, maybe we felt pressured into it, maybe we just made a foolish choice. It doesn’t matter, most divorced people are not morally bankrupt and we are not the bane of society. Thank goodness we live in a country where we can legally walk away from these toxic unions, and anyone would prevent us from doing so is the truly morally corrupt person.
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Thank you for bringing this up!! I’ve been a single mom since my son was 5. He currently attends a prominent college prep school in the Detroit suburbs. I continue to feel snubbed by most of the other mothers because of my divorced status. No matter how much I volunteer and try to be friendly, it never seems to be enough to overcome what I’ve come to call the “divorce cooties”. I think some of it is fear: women just don’t want to think that it might happen to them. Some are threatened. All I know is that I feel excluded and that it is incredibly difficult if not impossible to break into the social circles if you aren’t married. I have intentionally refrained from getting involved with anyone until my son is in college, so I’m resigned with the situation.
I would completely agree with you. It is so sad that we still have to deal with it, but the stigma is real. No one knows how difficult it is until they are faced with it themselves, but I bet if some of those mothers found out their husbands had gotten another woman pregnant, was embezzling money, or had a cocaine habit that they wouldn’t quit…they wouldn’t think twice. My gut feeling is a few of them will join you before your child is in college, mark my words at least a couple will!!!! You won’t be the only one for long.
Agreed! It sounds bad but I am waiting for a few relationships of people I know to finally make it down the drain. And those are the people that are the most judgmental – they judge because they already see it in themselves.
Marriage is hard work, and no one goes in to it wanting divorce. I do think many divorce too easily but at the end of the day, who is t say they are right or wrong as we are not in that relationship or home. In my case, I wish my ex husband would come to his senses but I’m not holding my breath in that one! And really, the way it was couldn’t have lasted when he wasn’t willing to bend, just a little.
Great post!
You will probably be right on some of your hunches. The ones that annoy me the most are the super toxic relationships that are obviously horrible and everyone can tell on the outside, but the couple brags about how long they have been together. I would rather be single than live like that. I know some couples that have stayed together because they were drug and drinking buddies more than anything else….Michael Lohan and his crazy girlfriend come to mind. NO THANK YOU! HA! 🙂
Right on point. I often feel as if I am looked at as damaged goods. Part of it, I admit is my own pessimistic view of life, but I know that many single men (especially those who have not gone through the horror of divorce) shy away. After all, one man couldn’t live with me, I must have been unfaithful, impossible to live with, demanding, dominating. Just fill in the blank. None of this is true, but I know that crosses the mind of many men when hearing I’m divorced (oh, and the 2 kids that come along with the package too).
I know it is hard for everyone but having the label of “damaged” doesn’t help. In so many cases the reason for divorce are so lopsided that to judge one half of a divorced couple is absurd. Especially when one spouse seems to torpedo any chance of making things work, affairs, neglect, abandonment…or my favorite…getting someone pregnant. I mean how does someone stay in a marriage like that? I have no idea.
Right on point. While some of this is my own pessimistic view of the world, I know that some see divorce as equaling damaged goods. I think at some point, many people (especially those who have not experienced the horror that is divorce), wonder why I am divorced in the first place and come up with many reasons in their head. I was unfaithful, impossible to live with, dominating, overbearing, etc. Fill in the blank. They have already judged me and they have no clue as to who I am. Especially potential dates. Oh, and having 2 kids makes it worse. I have been told what I did was a terrible thing to do to my kids, couldn’t I just make it work for their sake? I was told people are just too quick to get out of a marriage and had I tried harder I would have come through it. In other words, I’m tainted. Why not just wear a scarlet D?
Great article. A co-worker last week used the term “broken family” in reference to a child of another divorce situation. I am a divorced mom and I took great (but naturally silent) offense to this comment. My family is no more broken than any other. My kids are happy and well-adjusted and know they are loved. Many “unbroken” families could not make the same claim. I (we) should learn speak up more against this kind of bias and flawed logic.
I would agree completely. We all know families that are “intact” but complete disasters. Constant fighting, abuse and neglect are quite common in many dysfunctional marriages. Sometimes kids really are better off with one parent, or living in between two parents. Very few people want to get divorced but can be the best alternative in many instances. I know with my friend who married the man with bi-polar disorder, that even the court system believes she and her child would be better off divorced and with her ex only getting supervised visits. Life is full of many shades of gray, expecting people to live up to some crazy ideal and forcing two people who don’t want to be together to stay in a marriage is lunacy. We have tried it in the past and it just lead to a lot of suffering.
Great post Juliet and great site in general. I love your honesty in the fears that brought you to this writing adventure and how this fear has opened up so many opportunities for you. I found great inspiration in finding this site today.
If anything where governance is concerned, I feel society should loosen the reigns even more. I am just getting to the mediation part of my separation myself and I am hear to tell you there is enough red tape on all of this already. You can’t file for divorce until you have been a part for one year, yadda, yadda. I am willing to bet these walls are making it so that less and less are chosing to make their marriages official which is a shame because although the anguish of divorce is sometimes overwhelming, I would not take back the very special day that was my marriage almost 7 years ago.
I am not sure I ever will ever marry again but it’s easy to be tough and negative at this point of separation. I hope the romantic in me eventually finds a way to take that leap again one day.
My suggestion to others woudl be to consider joining a dating site very early on in your separation. You don’t have to go on any dates. Just read through all the bios for those in a similar situation as yours. You aren’t alone and that in itself, has helped me a great deal becuase I did feel hopelessly alone. I felt like a failure as both a husband and a father. I still do in many ways but my friends and family are helping me change these views of myself. I beat myself up emotionally the past year and a half.
I am affriad of what might have happend had I not very supportive family and friends and even the support of new friends I met through the dating site that helped me get over the hump as well. Sitting across the coffee table from a woman smiling back at me, sharing our stories of separation and parenthood, releived a pressure on my soul that changed my life. One coffee. One smile, and I finally found the confidence I needed to take the all important next steps.
We need to feel that we are not alone. There is so much judgement in the world. Now is a time more then ever, to separate ourselves from all incidences of this judgement.
Only we know what our hearts are telling us. What is right for us. If government feels the need to make this even harder for us, than we as people fighting the same battles, need to support one another even more.
Great post Juliet and great site in general. I love your honesty in the fears that brought you to this writing adventure and how this fear has opened up so many opportunities for you. I found great inspiration in finding this site today.
If anything where governance is concerned, I feel society should loosen the reigns even more. I am just getting to the mediation part of my separation myself and I am hear to tell you there is enough red tape on all of this already. You can’t file for divorce until you have been a part for one year, yadda, yadda. I am willing to bet these walls are making it so that less and less are chosing to make their marriages official which is a shame because although the anguish of divorce is sometimes overwhelming, I would not take back the very special day that was my marriage almost 7 years ago.
I am not sure I ever will ever marry again but it’s easy to be tough and negative at this point of separation. I hope the romantic in me eventually finds a way to take that leap again one day.
My suggestion to others woudl be to consider joining a dating site very early on in your separation. You don’t have to go on any dates. Just read through all the bios for those in a similar situation as yours. You aren’t alone and that in itself, has helped me a great deal becuase I did feel hopelessly alone. I felt like a failure as both a husband and a father. I still do in many ways but my friends and family are helping me change these views of myself. I beat myself up emotionally the past year and a half.
I am affriad of what might have happend had I not very supportive family and friends and even the support of new friends I met through the dating site that helped me get over the hump as well. Sitting across the coffee table from a woman smiling back at me, sharing our stories of separation and parenthood, releived a pressure on my soul that changed my life. One coffee. One smile, and I finally found the confidence I needed to take the all important next steps.
We need to feel that we are not alone. There is so much judgement in the world. Now is a time more then ever, to separate ourselves from all incidences of this judgement.
Only we know what our hearts are telling us. What is right for us. If government feels the need to make this even harder for us, than we as people fighting the same battles, need to support one another even more.
To add to this, if divorce gets more difficult again, feelings escalate and become even more unpleasant, impactful and even abusive. Sometimes the easier divorce is the way to avoid pain and damage caused by the ending of something both parties thought “should have worked”.
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